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00:04Hmm, hmm. Huh. According to my perpetual calendar program, June 30th in the year 2014 will be a
00:13Thursday. Did you know that? If I say yes, will you not talk? No, this is kind of interesting.
00:19Guess what day of the week is the first day of the year 2222? Two-stay? No, but that would
00:25have
00:25been good too. More importantly, which is better, Paris or Rome? Better? Paris. Which is better,
00:34Prague or Budapest? Why does it matter which is better? Prague. Which is better? What are you
00:41doing? I have to RSVP to my millennium parties. Millennium parties? Yes. Which is better, Hong
00:48Kong or Singapore? Wait a minute. Maybe my invitations have been lost in the mail. Oh,
00:54who cares? I never liked New Year's Eve anyway, and this one's no different. Except that everyone
00:59on Earth will be celebrating the end of the millennium. Well, everyone except you. I don't
01:05care. I will not be pressured into having fun just because we arbitrarily use a base 10 counting
01:11system and a big round number is coming up. If I'm going to have fun, I want a good reason.
01:16Well said. So which is better, Lisbon or Istanbul? Oh, come on. I can't be the only person not
01:22getting invitations to millennium parties. Which is better, Tokyo or Munich?
01:39wrong scrolling, I can't believe it.
01:49viewpoint, Andry.
01:50E.T.
01:51SOUTH59 suspense!
01:51G Jerry and kl acá and nósver!
01:55Yip!
02:00Hey!
02:35Do you guys have any party plans for New Year's Eve 1999?
02:39Oh yeah, of course.
02:40Only a total loser would have no plans for the biggest night ever in our lifetime.
02:45What are you doing, Dilbert?
02:46Me?
02:47I, uh...
02:48I got plans.
02:50I'm planning to link up with my survivalist militia group and loot a National Guard ammunitions dump.
02:55Do you know something I don't?
02:57Hello? The Millennium Bug?
02:59When the date hits 2000, all computers will malfunction and the world will plunge into chaos.
03:04I don't want to be outgunned.
03:05We won't have a year 2000 problem in this company.
03:08All of our computers are new.
03:10Not all. You're forgetting Black Betty.
03:12Black Betty. That mainframe was replaced years ago.
03:16Black Betty. Did you say Black Betty?
03:19Boy, I haven't thought about old Black Betty in ages.
03:22Maybe never.
03:24But she's real.
03:26As real as the dwarf who sneaks into my bedroom at night and steals my underwear.
03:31About that mainframe.
03:32Not now. I'm reminiscing.
03:34Where was I?
03:35Black Betty.
03:35Yes, Black Betty, the mainframe.
03:38Boy, oh boy.
03:39We thought about replacing her years ago, but then we thought,
03:42well, why not just cobble our new systems to the old one
03:45with untold miles of spaghetti code and obsolete coax cable?
03:49Why'd you do that?
03:51It was an executive decision.
03:54We figured it would save money in the short run and only later plunge the company into darkness
03:59after we executives had all left for other companies.
04:01But you're still here.
04:03Banksmanship.
04:04I live for it.
04:05You know how sometimes you're driving down the freeway and you pull into the oncoming lane intentionally
04:08only to swerve away at the last minute?
04:10That was you?
04:11You ran me off the road.
04:12Stared destiny right in the face.
04:15You could have killed me.
04:16Sorry.
04:17Anyway, which is better?
04:18Jakarta or Geneva?
04:21We have to do something about the Millennium Bug.
04:23The Millennium Bug?
04:25Are you telling me that Han Solo's ship is here?
04:29That's the Millennium Falcon.
04:31I'm talking about the year 2000 problem.
04:34Y2K.
04:35Oh, yes.
04:38T3G.
04:39Pardon?
04:40B9C.
04:42B9C.
04:42Look, if our computer systems are all connected to Black Betty, some ancient mainframe...
04:48Ooh, ooh!
04:48E4J!
04:49This is fun.
04:50We're out of business when the date changes.
04:52You mean all the technology is going to...
04:56break?
04:57Yes.
04:58Is there any way this collapse of civilization thing could affect me personally?
05:03I think it might.
05:04Okay, then.
05:05You have my full support to fix the problem.
05:08Unless it involves any sort of resources or decisions or effort on my part.
05:13Remember, money is no object.
05:16Unless, of course, you plan to spend it.
05:18Me?
05:18Why is it up to me?
05:20Because you brought it up.
05:21You know the rules.
05:22He who complains is assigned to fix it.
05:24That only applies to little things.
05:26This could be the biggest project in our company's history.
05:28And I've never even seen that Black Betty mainframe.
05:31No one has, for years.
05:33It's quite splendiferous.
05:35You've seen it?
05:36I helped install it.
05:37Of course, that was years ago, before the life force was drained from my body and I became a selfish
05:42and apathetic shell of a man.
05:43Then you can help.
05:44I don't think you were listening.
05:46Besides, I don't even remember back then.
05:48You have to help, Wally.
05:49The career of every employee depends on it.
05:52If our mainframe goes nuts, we'll lose our payroll system, our pension database, the personnel records.
05:58It will be as if we never even worked here.
06:00For me, every day is like that.
06:01You know what I mean.
06:03If we go down, you're going down with us.
06:06Shh, shh.
06:06Yes, I want the gold card, the silver card, and the platinum card.
06:11Are there any other heavy metals that you make cards in?
06:14Okay, then, send them out.
06:15Wally, what are you doing?
06:17Welcoming in the millennium.
06:18By ordering credit cards.
06:20That's right.
06:21I'm applying for every credit card I can get my hands on.
06:24Then I'll take huge cash advances and wait for the millennium bug to hose the bank's computers.
06:29They'll never be able to bill me.
06:30You would have made a great evil mastermind.
06:33Nah, the hours are too long.
06:36Alice, you've got to help me on this year 2000 project.
06:39I need a team.
06:40I would, but I don't have time.
06:41I'm buried with work.
06:42Maybe you should come with me to see the director of human resources.
06:45He might have a company-sponsored program for time management.
06:49Ashok, we need your help on the year 2000 project.
06:53I'd like to help, but I'm just an intern.
06:55I have no experience with computers made before the 90s.
06:58Come with us to see the director of human resources.
07:00Maybe he knows of some company-sponsored training you can take.
07:07Wally.
07:08Shh, I'm securing a home equity loan.
07:10But you don't own a home.
07:11I don't, but my good friend Bob does.
07:14Who's Bob?
07:15I'm Bob.
07:16Oh.
07:17Sheesh.
07:18But Wally, you're our best hope.
07:20You've got to help on the year 2000 problem.
07:22You were there.
07:23You know where the date code is on the old mainframe.
07:26I don't remember any of it.
07:27It was a long time ago.
07:29Yes, I'm holding.
07:30Come with us to see the director of human resources.
07:33Maybe he has some sort of company-sponsored program to regain lost memories.
07:39Bob?
07:40Bob, are you there?
07:41Hello, Bob.
07:43Dogbert, I need you.
07:45Meet me at work.
08:11What do you want?
08:12We came to see Mr. Catbert.
08:13What for?
08:14Well, I need 45 more people to help me on the year 2000 project.
08:18I need more time.
08:20I need experience.
08:21I need a memory.
08:22What about the dog?
08:23I'm perfect, but thanks for asking.
08:25Mr. Catbert is busy.
08:27Go away!
08:31We could shove Ashok, the intern, through the opening.
08:34He can unlock the door from the other side.
08:36I could never fit in that tiny hole!
08:41Note to self.
08:42Get smarter troll to guard door.
08:44We need your help.
08:46I can't help.
08:47Why not?
08:47It's a company policy.
08:49Aren't you the one who makes the company policies?
08:51Do I have a great job or what?
08:53If you don't help us, we're going to be stuck here and we'll never be able to go home.
08:57Dilbert, you don't need me.
08:59You have everything you need right here.
09:02Take Ashok here.
09:03He has no experience.
09:04I am a blank slate.
09:06But what he doesn't realize is that cynicism is almost the same thing as experience.
09:12It is?
09:13Sure.
09:15Just try thinking the worst about people and you'll usually be right.
09:19I feel wiser already.
09:21And Alice, you need more time.
09:23But that's only because you spend so much time with your hair and makeup in the morning.
09:27That's a necessity.
09:29Only in your mind.
09:31You mean I'm beautiful just the way I am?
09:33No.
09:34I mean it's a lost cause.
09:36You should put that time to better use.
09:39What about Wally?
09:40He needs a memory.
09:41Wally doesn't need a real memory.
09:44I doubt?
09:45No.
09:46Recent court rulings have proven false memory is just as good as the real thing.
09:50Maybe better.
09:51How do I get one of those?
09:53Hypnosis will do the trick.
09:55I have some books right here.
09:56Let me see those.
10:05You don't have these on video, do you?
10:07Okay, this is a start.
10:09But I still need more bodies.
10:11Don't you have a list of surplused employees?
10:13Well, I don't usually do this.
10:16Do what?
10:16Be helpful.
10:17But I do have a list of employees who have recently been terminated.
10:21How does that help?
10:22Still on the payroll for two more weeks.
10:25They're all described in this binder.
10:32The Useless Guy.
10:34The Useless Guy will take up space and eat your donuts.
10:37Sometimes he will clip articles from publications and leave them on your chair.
10:41Ted the Generic Guy.
10:43He has no distinct characteristics.
10:45People who have known him for years can't describe him.
10:48There may be more than one Ted in the company.
10:50No one really knows.
10:52Zimboo the Monkey.
10:54Smarter than the average simian.
10:56Writes computer code at record speed thanks to his tail.
10:59They aren't much, but they'll have to do.
11:02Can you regress him to his earlier days as an engineer when he helped install the mainframe?
11:08I'm not up to the regression chapter yet.
11:10What have you learned?
11:12I can make him walk a tightrope across a ravine.
11:14Does it have to be a ravine?
11:16Can it be any sort of chasm?
11:18Sure, ravine.
11:19Or gulch.
11:20Or chasm.
11:20Orgasm.
11:22Huh?
11:24Oops.
11:25I skipped a chapter.
11:46Mom?
11:49Mom?
11:49In here, dear.
11:51Push a little harder.
11:52Get your shoulder into it.
11:58Mom, what are you doing?
12:00Stockpiling.
12:02Stockpiling?
12:02Why?
12:03Where have you been?
12:04Haven't you heard about Y2K?
12:07Heard of it?
12:08I'm in charge of fixing the bug for my whole company.
12:11You are?
12:12God help them.
12:14Thanks, Mom.
12:14Maybe you should start hoarding essential supplies before it's too late.
12:19Why are you hoarding hair conditioner?
12:22I had a coupon.
12:23Mom, it would be a lot easier to talk to you if I could see you.
12:27I'm not here.
12:28I'm at the warehouse shopping club with a moving van.
12:31Am I so predictable you can record your side of the conversation in advance?
12:36Yes.
12:37You are so predictable I can record my side of the conversation in advance.
12:47Put it back.
12:56Excuse me.
12:57I need to get out.
12:58Get out?
12:59Nobody gets out.
13:00Haven't you learned that by now?
13:02I mean the driveway.
13:03I know what you mean.
13:04The question is, do you know what you mean?
13:06What do you mean?
13:07You're concerned about Y2K.
13:09You're afraid you won't be able to solve the problem in time.
13:11That you'll go down in history as the goat of the new millennium.
13:14How do you know that?
13:15It's written all over your face.
13:18If you're so smart, what do I do about the year 2000 problem?
13:22Don't fight the problem.
13:24Embrace it.
13:25You are Y2K.
13:27I am Y2K.
13:28Are you just going to keep repeating what I say?
13:30Okay.
13:31Embrace it.
13:32Got it.
13:33Finally.
13:38Um, excuse me.
13:40I still need to get out?
13:42They never listen.
13:47This all looks pretty optional.
13:55And then he says, do you know what you mean?
13:58And I said...
13:59Fix it yet?
14:00Not yet.
14:01Okay.
14:02As I was saying.
14:04Cut it out.
14:05I'm not doing anything!
14:08Your tail is poking my face.
14:10Your face is poking my tail!
14:12Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves.
14:16We just did that.
14:17Can anyone pay attention here?
14:20Can I say something?
14:22What?
14:25Nothing.
14:26It's just been a while since I said anything.
14:29Now, Ted.
14:30It seems to me you might be able to...
14:33Ted?
14:34I was saying you might be able to...
14:36Ted?
14:37I...
14:37Ted?
14:39Ted!
14:40Are you talking to me?
14:42Yes!
14:42My name's not Ted.
14:44It's not?
14:45Well, what is it?
14:46Well, it's Ted.
14:47But not the Ted you're thinking of.
14:50Hey, what did I tell you?
14:52Come and get me!
14:55Get him off of me!
14:57I cut out this article today.
14:59I'll pass it around.
15:03There it is.
15:04Black Betty.
15:06That mainframe is tied to every computer system in this company.
15:10And only Wally knows its secrets.
15:21This is the only control port into Black Betty.
15:24It hasn't been used for years.
15:26There must be 10 million lines of computer code in that thing.
15:29And no written documentation.
15:31Let's give up now and form an agrarian society!
15:34Don't panic yet.
15:36If Dogbert can get Wally to remember how we installed this,
15:39we'll know exactly where to make the changes.
15:41So our futures depend on Wally.
15:44That's it!
15:45We're all farmers!
15:48How's it going?
15:49Any progress?
15:50No.
15:52Apparently he was a cow in a previous life.
15:55Stop playing around.
15:56We need him to remember his days as a young engineer
15:59when he installed the Black Betty mainframe.
16:01You're stressed.
16:02Have a glass of warm milk.
16:04I am kind of thirsty.
16:07No.
16:14It's Cobol.
16:15I learned about this in school.
16:17You learned a program in Cobol?
16:19No.
16:20I learned about it in history class.
16:22History, you say?
16:24I'll see if I can find anything about history in the literature.
16:31Back.
16:32Back.
16:32Back in time.
16:33Back to the 1970s.
16:39I am getting such a sunburn.
16:42Whose idea was this pyramid thing anyway?
16:44Why don't we just cover the pharaoh with sand?
16:46Are you afraid we'll run out?
16:49Now this is more like it.
16:54Hey, I'm on a break.
16:57How did you get here?
16:59Hey, who's the hypnotist?
17:01Right.
17:02A god has descended to Earth.
17:04Sorry, no autographs.
17:09In retrospect, this was a pretty great epoch.
17:12All right.
17:13Who wants to fan me?
17:15Back.
17:16Back in time.
17:17To the 1970s.
17:19A.D.
17:21Remember yourself as a young engineer.
17:23I had hair.
17:24You were full of optimism and enthusiasm.
17:26I cared about my job.
17:29Morning.
17:30Morning.
17:31Morning.
17:32Morning.
17:33Morning.
17:34Good morning.
17:36That's the new whiz kid.
17:38Hmm.
17:39Hot shot.
17:40So much hope and energy.
17:43He's got the world on a string.
17:48Hey, Wally.
17:49How about some coffee?
17:50Uh, thanks.
17:50But no thanks.
17:51I don't want to miss any work.
17:54Look at him go.
17:56He's written an entire customer database system from scratch.
18:01Why do we only use two digits to store the dates?
18:04It saves space.
18:05Yeah, but in the year 2000, the programs won't work because the computer will think it's year zero zero.
18:11Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
18:18ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:21We know from the hypnotic regression that Wally used to be a great engineer.
18:24Wow. From great engineer to doorstop in just a few short years.
18:29Wally was a magnificent stallion before he became a broken man.
18:34You don't often hear the words Wally and stallion in the same sentence.
18:37But he was a stallion once. That's the point. Don't you get it?
18:41I get it!
18:44No, I don't!
18:46We've got to think like Wally.
18:49No, young Wally.
18:52Young Wally would have seen this year 2000 problem coming.
18:55He would have left flags in the program so he could find the date code easily.
18:59Probably some sort of keyword in the program documentation.
19:03If we figure out the keyword, we'll know exactly where the problems are.
19:07Wally, what is the keyword?
19:09Keyword.
19:10What is the keyword?
19:13Keyword.
19:14No, no. What is the keyword?
19:16Keyword.
19:21I think his keyword was keyword.
19:24All right. I said smart, not creative.
19:37This old equipment won't make it.
19:38It has to. It's obsolete.
19:41If it fries, we'll never have a way to reprogram the mainframe.
19:50He's not going to make it.
19:51He's not fast enough.
19:53Step aside. I see what he's doing.
19:55You just need a faster typist.
20:02Still no good.
20:03He won't make it.
20:04Use the tail, Zimboo. The tail.
20:11Fix it yet?
20:12Not yet.
20:13Well, okay.
20:17It's going to blow.
20:26I feel so soiled.
20:29Even more than usual.
20:31Oh, my God. Have I been working?
20:33Is it fixed yet?
20:34We won't know until January 1st.
20:37Why? What significance does January 1st have?
20:40January 1st, 2000?
20:43Apparently, you've been too busy fooling around to read the news.
20:47The National Bureau of Standards has decided to skip 2000.
20:51The 21st century won't officially start till the year 2001.
20:56You can't do that.
20:57That's what they said about daylight savings time.
21:00No, they didn't.
21:01Well, they should have.
21:03My watch is off by an hour.
21:04Sometimes it's like that for months.
21:06Maybe we should get hopping on the year 3000 problem.
21:09You know, nip it in the bud.
21:12Good thinking, Alice.
21:14You're in charge.
21:26Hi, how are you?
21:28What?
21:29Nothing.
21:30I'm here to withdraw the maximum cash advances from each of these credit codes.
21:35Are you one of those guys who thinks our computer records will be wiped out by the year 2000 bug
21:39and you won't have to pay us back?
21:41And there's nothing you can do about it.
21:48Here you go.
21:52Ah!
21:56You know, no matter how many times I do that, it's always enjoyable.
22:10You know, no matter how many times I do that, it's always enjoyable.
22:30You know, no matter how many times I do that, it's alwaysμαÃ.
22:31You know, I think it's always enjoyable.
22:32It's always enjoyable.
22:33You know, you know, we've got trouble.
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