Dilbert tries to end world hunger by creating a new, safe, artificial food, but it tastes so bad that even people dying of starvation refuse to eat it—until his mother (Jackie Hoffman) gets involved.
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TVTranscript
00:02Dear Uncle or Aunt Dilbert, my name is Patrunnik Flostominitz.
00:08I thank you so much for being my foster parent.
00:12Life in Albania has become so much better since you began sending your 87 cents a week.
00:18I now have a shoe, and my vision has returned to look upon the beautiful mud of my homeland.
00:26Hopefully, one day you can visit me when the Check 1, Flood, Famine, Volcanic Eruptions, Plague, or War has slash
00:35have ended.
00:37Love, Petru.
00:40Petru, your food problem may be over sooner than you think.
00:54I'll start with a cup of coffee.
00:57You're going to have to make your own breakfast today.
00:59I'm busy inventing a hybrid food plant that could end world hunger forever.
01:04Mm-hmm. That's fascinating.
01:05I'll have two fried strips of the new thing with hash browns and coffee.
01:11Do you think banging your mug is going to work?
01:14This is not a diner.
01:23Okay, go back to becoming famous with your new food invention.
01:26I'm not doing this to become famous,
01:28though I admit that may be an unavoidable consequence of coming up with the greatest improvement in food production since
01:34Squanto.
01:35Squanto?
01:36He showed the pilgrims that if you put a fish in the ground with your corn seeds, it fertilizes the
01:41plant.
01:42How do you know Squanto wasn't trying to grow a fish tree?
01:46Maybe he was too lazy to dig his own hole.
01:50Dogbert, what I'm working on here may once and for all put the lie to the Malthusian imperative
01:55and save humanity from the grim prospect of a foodless future.
01:59Put the what to who and save who from what?
02:02What I've come up with is a nutritious hybrid that will feed millions of people for pennies a day.
02:07Do you want to see it?
02:08Only if it goes good with jelly.
02:10I inserted the DNA from a prize-winning Norwegian cow into the nucleus of a tomato seed.
02:16Then I made it rectangular so you can stack them more efficiently.
02:19Part meat, part tomato.
02:21I call it the tomato.
02:28Do you want to be the first to eat it?
02:30Yeah, that depends on the alternatives.
02:32Is it too late to dig up Squanto's fish?
02:35Maybe we should test it on someone expendable first.
02:39Ratbird, breakfast!
02:53Hey, where's yours?
02:57We thought you should eat first for once.
02:59Oh, now this is more like it.
03:00You're finally treating me like a member of the family.
03:27Oh, now this is more like a member of the family.
03:32Oh, now this is more like a member of the family.
03:38I think you should eat first for again.
03:40Hey!
03:41Hey!
03:42Hey!
04:13Comments, people?
04:15This is perhaps the most revolting food item I have ever encountered.
04:20It actually frightens me.
04:21It's so unappealing on so many levels, it's hard to know what to criticize first.
04:26It's like Wally, except small enough to flush down the toilet.
04:29Thank God for my oversized head.
04:31I think it's creepy. Is it alive?
04:34If you tried to put this thing on the market, you'd be out of business in a week.
04:38Now that is definitely not what we're looking for.
04:46Wait a minute. You're going to dismiss the tomato because it's unattractive?
04:50Sound reasoning from my perch, Dilby.
04:52But it's a perfect food source for third world countries.
04:55It contains all the vitamins and minerals necessary to sustain an adult.
04:59It grows anywhere. It doesn't need refrigeration.
05:02Two words, Dilby. Ugly.
05:04What does that have to do with anything?
05:06I know for a fact that there's a market for this.
05:09No offense, Dilweed, but what you engineers know about marketing
05:12could fit inside the very small opening on a very small thing.
05:16Well put.
05:16What about Elbonia? There's a famine in Elbonia.
05:20Until CNN has a name for it, like famine in Elbonia, it's not really happening.
05:26Who are we to impose our way of life upon another culture?
05:29I'm pretty sure that every culture likes to eat.
05:32Suppose we discovered an entire nation of supermodels. What then?
05:35That is the dumbest hypothetical question I have ever heard.
05:39People always say that when I'm winning the argument.
05:42If I could interrupt here, and I know I can,
05:44I'm hearing some good news here for the old torpedo.
05:47Tomito.
05:48Whoa. Easy, Norbert.
05:50Now, this Elbonia, it's not in America, right?
05:53Your guess is as good as mine.
05:56Possibly better, because I try to make all my guesses rhyme.
06:00Anyway, we could grow these crap berries in Elbonia,
06:03then bring them back as an exotic import specialty food.
06:07You know, the kind you give to other people when you can't think of a real gift.
06:12Huh. A basket of Norwegian sour mates.
06:18I don't see why I have to go down to accounting to increase the travel budget
06:22just for a trip to Elbonia.
06:24I know it seems like a form of arbitrary punishment.
06:30But?
06:31But what?
06:32Yeah.
06:59Wow.
07:06Uh, who do I speak to about increasing my travel budget?
07:09Travel budget? Travel budget? Who do you think you are?
07:14I think I'm someone traveling to Elbonia on business.
07:17Do you have any proof?
07:19Proof? Since when do we need proof to do our jobs?
07:22Do you think we just give out money to anyone who asks for it?
07:26Do I look like Santa Claus to you?
07:29No, you look like some sort of hideous creature.
07:32Thank you, because that's the look I'm going for.
07:35What if I just go on the trip and then submit carefully documented receipts when I return?
07:40And what if you never return?
07:42I'll leave explicit instructions for the executor of my will to file my receipts.
07:48Very well.
07:53Sign here.
08:01I approve your request to use your personal airline miles to pay for this trip.
08:07What?
08:07You really should read the fine print.
08:13It's nice having visitors.
08:26So, where's all the famine?
08:28Let's ask.
08:30Excuse me, can you direct us to the famine-stricken parts of Elbonia?
08:34What is famine?
08:36The food shortages.
08:38The hunger crisis.
08:39I don't know what you're talking about.
08:41We have no hunger here.
08:42I myself ate four meals already today.
08:45Yes, of mud.
08:47Have you tasted it?
08:48No, thanks.
08:50Hey, chocolate.
08:52Not just chocolate.
08:53Nutritious, non-fat meat, and obviously abundant.
08:57Maybe this was a mistake.
08:58They're eating mud, Wally.
09:00Mud.
09:01Obviously, they're in denial.
09:03Um, can you tell me where this picture was taken?
09:06Yes.
09:07That is Petrunjik Blastominic, the richest man in Elbonia.
09:10His mansion is one mile in that direction.
09:13I think you're confused.
09:14This is my foster child.
09:16I send him 87 cents a week.
09:20Yeah, you and about a billion other people.
09:27Isn't that a sight, Wally?
09:29The muddy plains of Elbonia being transformed into vibrant fields of tomatoes.
09:34Yeah, great.
09:36Uh, can we go back to the hotel?
09:37I don't feel like I'm on a business trip until I pocket the little shampoos.
09:45Hey, check it out.
09:46It's a cornucopia.
09:48Salads, soups, meat, fish, poultry.
09:51Look at the footnote.
09:52It says all food is made out of Elboni and mud.
09:55I'm not a fussy eater like you.
09:57And in a late-breaking story, another 5,000 ethnic Elbonians decided to leave the country today.
10:03Since there is no difference between ethnic and non-ethnic Elbonians, we have no idea why.
10:09What else is on?
10:11Let's see.
10:11And welcome back to Elbonian Monday Night Football.
10:15Here's the opening kickoff.
10:22And that's the game.
10:24Final score, Elbonian Mole Men 0.
10:26Elbonian Chicken Ox 0.
10:29That was exciting.
10:30I had money on that game.
10:33Coming up next, Elbonian Baywatch.
10:36Gilbert, would you mind leaving for a little while?
10:38I have trouble watching Baywatch with someone else in the room.
10:43Did you hear that?
10:44Yeah, you really ought to stretch more.
10:48Wow, that was fast.
11:09Experts are holding the tomato responsible for plunging Elbonia into the worst famine ever.
11:15It's the tomato's fault.
11:17It's a freak of nature.
11:19Meat and fruit.
11:20Who ever heard of such a thing?
11:22It has sucked all the nutritional value out of our delicious Elbonian mud.
11:27Now it tastes like mud.
11:30It's inedible.
11:31It smells bad.
11:33Although I do admit it stacks nicely.
11:35The Elbonian exodus has begun, as hungry Elbonians seek refuge in neighboring countries,
11:40while starving Elbonians who remain are resorting to desperate measures.
11:51This is the most delicious hotel I've ever eaten.
11:59We've got to find poor little Petruniuk.
12:02He must be so frightened and helpless.
12:05Do you know where this picture was taken?
12:08Tourists.
12:18I love you.
12:28Do you love me too?
12:32Yeah, you've got five minutes.
12:33What do you want?
12:35First of all, you lied to me.
12:37I thought you were a starving child, not an Elbonian fat cat.
12:41Although I must admit you've done an excellent job investing my 87 cents per week.
12:47Second, I came here to help Elbonia with the advent of the tomato crop.
12:51But it hasn't worked out that way.
12:54Instead of stabilizing an unstable country, I've destabilized a stable one.
12:58So, like, just the opposite?
13:02Yes.
13:02So, what do you want me to do about it besides laugh?
13:06Ha!
13:06Well, admittedly, the tomato tastes like wet suede.
13:10But it looks good and stacks well.
13:12So?
13:13Well, as a food product, it's a total loser.
13:15But think about it.
13:16The tomato would make a great, lightweight building material.
13:19You could rebuild the infrastructure, create employment, encourage trade, and jumpstart the economy.
13:26But the tomato isn't a building material.
13:29Let me taste it.
13:35It is now.
13:37How much is this going to cost me?
13:39You can underwrite the entire reconstruction for a buck thirty-five.
13:43So then, I convinced Petruniak that the tomato could be profitable as a building material.
13:49Good work, Wally.
13:50When you get back, remind me which one you are.
13:52You got it.
13:53And remind me why you went over there and what you did.
13:56I will.
13:57And while you're at it, maybe you can tell me who the hell I am.
14:00I'll see what I can do.
14:02Oh, will I get some sort of non-monetary award?
14:05I'll see what we have in the lost and found.
14:11You owe me big time.
14:20Gee, I wonder if these tomatoes have been kept in a temperature-controlled warehouse.
14:25Why?
14:25Have you ever seen what happens to a dead camel in the sun?
14:28Those tomatoes are now half-rancid meat.
14:31And there's always the issue of the inherent fertilizer that I added.
14:35What are you saying?
14:41It gives me great pleasure, nothing disgusting or obscene in any way,
14:47but great pleasure nonetheless, to present, Wally, with this non-monetary award.
14:53Don't put it on, Wally.
14:54Remember, if the glove fits, you must quit.
15:00Am I the only one here who sees the logic of that?
15:03I'm not going to wear it, Ashok.
15:05I'm putting it in my awards trophy case with the tube sock and the...
15:09Oh, I guess it's just the two things.
15:11It is my dream that someday I will win something from the lost and found box.
15:16I've got my eye on a little black comb.
15:19Calm down, everyone.
15:21There are enough non-monetary incentives for all of you.
15:28Hey, I'm missing a glove!
15:39Do you think this is too ostentatious?
15:42I mean, it's a lot for one person.
15:44It's fine.
15:45Look, we have to do something about Elbonia.
15:47I don't know.
15:48If I win another award, I'm afraid I'll lose my ability to relate to the little people.
15:53Wally, I...
15:54Uh-oh.
15:54It's happening already.
15:56I can't relate to you.
15:59In the news.
16:00Elbonian strongman Petrunjik Vlastomenic has successfully used the threat of deploying long-range
16:05tomato-based weapons, including the tomato bomb, to extort neighboring countries just
16:11for kicks, managing to jumpstart the once robust economy of nascent superpower Elbonia.
16:17Uh-oh.
16:18Didn't you win the Nobel glove for that one, Oppenheimer?
16:22No, I didn't.
16:23Nice job.
16:24It's not exactly what I had in mind.
16:26Oh, yes, it is.
16:28You wanted to end hunger in Elbonia with tomatoes.
16:31Now that they're being used as weapons, you will.
16:34Congratulations.
16:34I think you're a strong candidate for the congressional-used handkerchief of honor.
16:38If we could only get them to eat the tomato rather than use it as a weapon.
16:42You are a dreamer.
16:46People of Elbonia, we must cease using the tomato as a weapon.
16:51Yeah!
16:53Perhaps you misunderstood me.
16:55I said the tomato was not designed and should not be used as a weapon.
16:59Did you say the tomato should not be used as a weapon?
17:03Yes.
17:04Yeah!
17:04I think we need backup.
17:08Drop the dill mom.
17:10Repeat.
17:11Drop the dill mom.
17:22What can my mom do?
17:26Uh, who has the longest track record in the world for making people eat things that taste like crap?
17:32Good thinking.
17:33It's time for Cooking with Dill Mom.
17:36Here's your host, Dill Mom.
17:37Today, we will prepare the succulent tomato.
17:41I know, I know, it tastes like crap, but hear me out.
17:45A common error people make in the preparation of the tomato is in treating it like a vegetable instead of
17:50what it is.
17:51Half meat, half tomato, which incidentally is a fruit, not a vegetable.
17:55As with any meat, you have to thoroughly disguise it before anyone will want to eat it.
18:00First you slice it, then you burn it over a fire until you can't tell what it was originally.
18:06What about the taste?
18:07The taste comes from the seasonings.
18:09Does anyone have ketchup?
18:29It is delicious.
18:31It tastes like ketchup.
18:33This is very impressive.
18:34But our Albonian mud hasn't been the same since Dilbert rendered it inedible with his agricultural boondoggle.
18:40That wouldn't be the first time.
18:42Does anyone have any vanilla bean extract?
19:02Try it.
19:06It is delicious.
19:07Let us lay down our tomatoes of mass destruction, and lift up our tomatoes of peace and plenty, and return
19:15ourselves to the backward and inconsequential country we once were.
19:23It worked.
19:25Yes, I suppose you're off the hook.
19:27Instead of being known as the father of the Tomito Bomb, you'll return to your former status as an anonymous
19:33cubicle dweller.
19:34I'll take it.
19:36She still has the magic.
19:38I remember one time she convinced me to eat a whole can of Play-Doh.
19:42That wasn't her.
19:43That was me.
19:44No, I remember distinctly.
19:46She called from the payphone and said dinner would be late, so I should start in on the Play-Doh.
19:51Did it sound like this?
19:54Dilbert, I'll be home late.
19:56Why don't you see how much Play-Doh you can eat?
20:04As luck would have it, we found another glove to give out as a non-monetary award.
20:10This one goes to Loud Howard.
20:15Oh, yes!
20:17That glove will go perfectly with my other...
20:21And last, but not least, yet far from most, somewhere in the lower middle range, we have for Dilbert a
20:30lovely baggie that once held a sandwich.
20:39You know, it's funny.
20:41On the inside of my trophy case, a sock and a glove, while on the outside, this rag, destined to
20:47clean the dust from the other objects.
20:50Huh.
20:50There's such a fine line between dust rag and valuable trophy.
20:54At least my award wasn't on someone's smelly foot.
20:57Are you saying your one non-monetary award is better than my two non-monetary awards?
21:03No, I'm not saying that.
21:05Good.
21:06I'm saying it's better than the sock.
21:09You take that back.
21:13Those non-monetary incentives really get their energy up.
21:17I must remember to get one of myself.
21:19This came for you.
21:48It's better to get a new idea.
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