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00:28The End
00:44The End
01:00I would learn from this experience
01:04No, no, it's okay, don't cry
01:08It's so unfair
01:10First-year generation pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources
01:15Now this
01:17Okay, okay, just calm down, I'll buy a box
01:22That'll be $80
01:23$80 for cookies?
01:31Okay, take my money, go visit the fashion cafe
01:34Maybe I'll buy a pony too
01:36Shouldn't you write down my name or something?
01:38I don't like to leave a paper trail
01:40Thank you
01:41You're welcome
01:46What?
01:47You buckled under the pressure
01:49Wuss
01:49I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life
01:53I think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime
01:56No, I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor
02:01It feels good to give
02:03Ugh, that's ridiculous
02:04I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give
02:07You are on, my cynical friend
02:11Okay, to settle the question, give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good
02:16That wouldn't feel good
02:17Okay, then give me $20 because you lost the bet
02:23Did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not?
02:26Yes
02:27But you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself
02:58We'll see you next time
03:05Hey!
03:06Hey!
03:09Hey!
03:12Hey!
03:14Hey!
03:16Hey!
03:18Hey!
03:21Hey!
03:22Hey!
03:23Hey!
03:25Hey!
03:26Hey!
03:26Hey!
03:26Hey!
03:27Hey!
03:27Hey!
03:28Hey!
03:30Oh, my God.
04:03This year, I have volunteered to chair the Associated Weight Charity Drive for our county.
04:10I think you all know why.
04:12Is it because you need another plaque to cover a fly stain on your office wall?
04:16Yes. That and something about poor people. I expect they'll send me some details in the mail.
04:23It's like you're a saint or something.
04:25No, loud Howard. I'm no saint. I just believe that people should do their fair share.
04:32Or, in the case where one of those people is the boss, other people should do it for them.
04:37This is even more inspirational than last year.
04:39Now, in keeping with tradition, three charity coordinators will be chosen from the list of our most useless employees.
04:50Wally.
04:51Hey, top of the list four years in a row.
04:54Whoa, whoa.
04:55A dead guy we found in the stairwell.
04:58And the chair he's sitting in, which we've named Ronald.
05:03Ooh, tough competition.
05:05Congratulations. You will each be assigned an official Associated Way uniform and a donation container.
05:13Cool. Chicks dig a man in uniform.
05:15Everybody who donates will get one of these colorful, stylish, I-get-to-keep-my-job t-shirts.
05:23Of course, participation is completely 100% voluntary.
05:28Any questions?
05:30Yeah.
05:30What about the carnival?
05:32What about the carnival?
05:32What about the carnival?
05:34What about the carnival?
05:35All right, youngsters. Settle down.
05:38We'll have the company charity carnival.
05:41Okay?
05:41Yay!
05:43I hate that carnival.
05:45All the money raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival.
05:48And it's based on the premise of cheap thrills and cheating.
05:52Hardly charitable concepts.
05:54How dare you!
05:55How dare you denigrate the carnival!
05:58Shh!
05:59Dilbert, are you criticizing the carnival?
06:02I'm a gog.
06:03And I rarely admit that.
06:05No, it's just that, uh...
06:07Well...
06:08Okay.
06:09Exactly where does the money go?
06:11Well, there's the poor, who I keep going on about.
06:15And, of course, the plaques don't grow on trees.
06:18Isn't the plaque made of wood?
06:20So?
06:20Then it does grow on a tree.
06:22Why do you ask a question if you already know the answer?
06:25He's an arrogant bastard.
06:27Now, listen, punk.
06:28If you think you can reinvent the wheel, the Ferris wheel, that is,
06:32then go right ahead.
06:34Carnival Chairman Dilbert, ha-ha-r.
06:37What just happened?
06:46So, Dilbert, how much can I put you down for?
06:50Here's 20 bucks.
06:51Now leave me alone until next year.
06:53Ooh, $20.
06:54I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you.
06:56You don't even know where the money goes.
06:58I don't know where pudding comes from, but I still eat it.
07:01That is such a bad analogy.
07:03Thank you, Wally.
07:04Now I can never eat pudding again.
07:06Well, it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories.
07:09No matter what people say, Alice, looks are important.
07:12Alice, have you fulfilled your obligation to society?
07:16Yes.
07:16I signed up for payroll deduction.
07:18I like to give.
07:19I'm morally superior to Dilbert.
07:21That is so illogical.
07:23As long as there are starving people in the world,
07:25you can't have money in the bank and still claim to be moral.
07:28There is ample precedent for my behavior.
07:30It is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford.
07:35You just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the same.
07:40That came out of my shoe budget.
07:42Don't rock the boat, Dilbert.
07:43It's a fragile system.
07:45That shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year.
07:48What's so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes?
07:52Stop it.
07:53You're ruining everything.
07:55I mean, until you give it all away, you're not more moral.
07:58You just feel less guilty.
08:00I don't agree.
08:01The concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context.
08:04I mean, the relative value of guilt in a so-called free society.
08:07I mean, altruistic inclinations are dependent upon...
08:10I mean...
08:11Damn.
08:12You're right.
08:13I hate that.
08:16Hey, can you spare a few dollars for the disabled veterans of retail security?
08:21You don't look disabled to me.
08:23I've got prickly heat.
08:25Ed's just kind of slow.
08:27Which one of us is Ed?
08:29You're on my turf, fellas.
08:31Don't start with me.
08:33You wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill.
08:36Can you settle this outside?
08:38I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion.
08:41There's no such thing as perpetual motion.
08:44Not now, but if we collect enough money, someday...
08:47Hey, come on.
08:48Hey, come on.
08:48You're watching it in my words.
08:49No, you are coming, buddy.
08:51Okay?
08:51Who should I make that out to?
08:53To the society of guys with large bellies who don't have satellite dishes yet.
08:58This will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see us.
09:06I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewers got that extra.
09:10Morning, Governor.
09:11Would you help out a good cause and buy a candy bar?
09:13Only five dollars.
09:15How do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the...
09:21What was the cause again?
09:22We're trying to find a cure for canine apathy.
09:26Canine apathy?
09:28By any chance, is your leader about two feet tall, round glasses and a tail?
09:33Okay, urchins.
09:34Bring the money to the van.
09:53You seem a little short.
09:55No, sir.
09:56No.
09:56I would never.
09:57Do I have to run a full body cavity search on you?
10:02Good.
10:03And put more dirt on your face.
10:09Dog burn.
10:10I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you yet.
10:16Uh-oh.
10:17Chain reaction.
10:19A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
10:24-ha-ha-ha-ha.
10:38At least they'll get a few minutes apiece.
10:40Howdy, Rob.
10:41My name is Foster, from the Organization of Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows.
10:46Why don't they just change jobs?
10:48How's a cow gonna change jobs, city boy?
10:51Use your head.
10:52Go away.
10:53Leave me alone.
10:55Would you donate money to the women who cut their hair too short and don't realize how bad it looks?
10:59Money for mountain goats with three legs?
11:01Hey, you're hiding your leg. I can see it.
11:03Hey, mind your own business, buddy.
11:05I'm not a man.
11:06I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress. Did I miss anything?
11:10Okay, here, here. This is all I have. Everyone just leave me alone.
11:18Oh, Dilbert, I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the Associated Way banquet tomorrow night.
11:23Tell them how grateful I am.
11:24Do you think this could have waited until later?
11:27Don't mind me. I'll just wait.
11:35There I was in the NBA.
11:38All-star forward, multi-millionaire.
11:40Life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol.
11:44Actually, that part was pretty good, too. I love drugs and alcohol.
11:48But I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire fortune.
11:52That's when the Associated Way helped me out.
11:54I got sober. I started my own business.
11:57Now I got a beautiful wife.
11:58Great kids, a mistress, whole fleet of cars, mansions on both coasts, and a Learjet.
12:03Yeah. And best of all, I haven't paid any taxes in years.
12:11Thank you. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life.
12:14And now, to accept the appreciation award on behalf of our county coordinator is one of his flunkies, Dilbert.
12:30On behalf of my boss, who didn't care enough to be here, thank you for this lovely plaque.
12:38And, if you don't mind me saying so, what exactly was the lesson we're supposed to get from this drugged
12:43-out basketball player?
12:46I mean, didn't he just teach us that if you become a drug addict, your life will turn out fine?
12:55It seems to me that this whole charity concept is nothing but an exercise in redistribution of guilt.
13:01I'm all for helping the disadvantaged, but aren't most of your funds going towards administrative costs?
13:08Wouldn't it be more effective, more cost-effective, more impactful, if each of us just helped one other person?
13:19But I digress.
13:21Thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss.
13:24I'm sure you could have fed a family of four for what it costs to make it.
13:28Don't go ahead, Tom.
13:30It was just an argument.
13:32I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind.
13:34Too late, Gandhi.
13:36You've killed charitable giving forever.
13:39Excuse me, sir.
13:40I...
13:40I'm a woman, damn it!
13:42Sorry.
13:48Help!
13:58Hey, what happened?
13:59What happened?
14:01Get this guy.
14:03See, we're the cleaning crew.
14:06The crew that cleans up.
14:08I understand that.
14:09Oh, do you with your college degree?
14:12You know, we might not be engineers, but there's a certain science to what we do, too.
14:16Well, no, there's not.
14:18But I'm not here to argue.
14:20You've just discarded all of Alice's possessions.
14:23What?
14:24This junk?
14:24Where she's going, she ain't gonna be needing it.
14:27Where's she going?
14:28The street.
14:29The street?
14:31But how's she gonna live?
14:32What about food, clothing, shelter?
14:35It's no problem.
14:37It's not?
14:38Nope, not anymore.
14:40Tell them.
14:40Homeless Depot is the place for all your homeless needs.
14:44And at prices that can't be beat.
14:47Homeless Depot.
14:48Now in two convenient locations.
14:49Our original location at 11233 Skid Row.
14:52And visit our newest Homeless Depot at 475 and a half,
14:56that dangerous part of that abandoned waterfront area, down there.
15:01Okay, let's see.
15:02Sweater, a sock, old rags, carton of soggy cigarette butts.
15:07Those are on sale, right?
15:09Do you have your Homeless Depot card?
15:11Of course.
15:12That's another 20% off.
15:14Alice.
15:14What do you want, Dilbert?
15:16You gave all your money away?
15:18What choice did I have?
15:19You convinced me that it would be immoral to hold on to it.
15:22Hey, that is a spiffy shopping cart.
15:24You like it?
15:25I customized it.
15:26Is that a motor?
15:27Yeah.
15:28Nine horsepower.
15:29Nine horsepower.
15:30Wow.
15:32Alice, I thought maybe I could get the carnival up and running again.
15:36A carnival?
15:38You mean like with rides?
15:40Excuse me, do I know you?
15:42I'm your neighbor.
15:43I'm your friend.
15:45I'm your relative.
15:46I'm the one you won't make eye contact with.
15:49The one you're afraid to say hello to.
15:52So, in other words, no.
15:54Nah.
15:56We're here at the charity carnival, the brainchild of this man, Dilbert, who ironically is the
16:02same man whose popular outspoken cynicism about charity has meant a death sentence to
16:07thousands of needy people.
16:09Was that a question?
16:10There you have it.
16:11In his own words, he just doesn't care.
16:21Wait, I know this one.
16:24It's Ted!
16:24Darn.
16:26How does he do it?
16:28Ha!
16:29Next!
16:29This booth is doing well.
16:31Right this way.
16:33See the freaks.
16:34One dollar.
16:34Why not?
16:43I can't get an outside line.
16:45I can't even get an operator to get me an outside line.
16:48What does this button mean?
16:49I've never heard that sound before.
16:51It's not a busy signal.
16:53It's more like a beep beep.
16:54Beep beep.
16:55That's funny.
16:56I could have sworn I put my glasses down right here.
16:59I was reading the paper and then I got up.
17:08Step right up!
17:13Step right up.
17:14Knock a street urchin off a bean with a baseball and win a toy.
17:18Watch how easy it is to win.
17:29Come on, folks.
17:30Don't be shy being a street urchin with a baseball.
17:33You look innocent, but you know they've done something to deserve it.
17:37What about you, sir?
17:39That is disgusting.
17:40You mean to say if I hit one of those kids with a baseball, I could win some of this
17:44stuff?
17:45That's the premise.
17:47Isn't that my camera?
17:49And my binoculars?
17:50And my CD player?
17:52Tell you what I'll do.
17:53You hit one kid in the noggin with one baseball,
17:56and I'll give you all the prizes, close the booth, and go home.
18:00All the prizes?
18:01Is there an echo in here?
18:02All right.
18:03I'll take a shot.
18:18No!
18:21Step right up.
18:23Everybody plays.
18:24Only I win.
18:26Oh, that looks good.
18:29Yeah, how do they do that?
18:30Hi!
18:31Hi!
18:33Oh, something smells good.
18:36I am just about partied out.
18:39Oh, brother.
18:40I've got to sit down.
18:47Oh, nobody's sitting here.
18:49Just take a load off till I get chased away.
18:51Ha-ha!
18:55La-dee-da!
18:57La-dee-da!
19:07Get a shot of the idiot on the dunking tank.
19:16Ooh.
19:17Ooh.
19:20Hey, hi, everybody!
19:27Oh, my God, they've killed the boss.
19:36There's no pulse.
19:37Are you sure he had one before?
19:40He's not breathing.
19:42Do you know what this means?
19:44What does it mean?
19:45Three-day weekend, maybe more.
19:48Somebody's going to have to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
19:53Great.
19:59Stop that.
20:15Well, I'll be.
20:17Who would have guessed it?
20:18I've been date-raped by Dilbert.
20:20No, no, you were drowning.
20:22I saved you.
20:23So you didn't slip me a Mickey and have your way with me?
20:27No.
20:28Well, that's a first.
20:29You're a hero now.
20:31How does it feel?
20:32Strangely good.
20:33Except for the smell of chili dogs that I may never forget.
20:36You saw it live.
20:38One man, acting against his own interest to help his fellow man.
20:42Nothing to gain but the knowledge that he helped another human being in some small way.
20:47What you have witnessed is nothing less than the complete rebirth of the spirit of giving.
20:53That's all from here.
20:56Yeah!
21:01Okay, pack it up.
21:02We got a cat stuck in a drainpipe across town.
21:06If I'm not mistaken, you just performed an act of charity without draining your bank account.
21:13Yeah.
21:14So?
21:15I believe I've made my point.
21:22I just wanted to hear you admit it.
21:29That woman does not like to lose an argument.
21:49I'm not the organic matter you think I am, despite anything you hear from my employee.
21:59I'm going to need another plaque.
22:01Yeah!
22:29Oh, my God.
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