Dilbert questions the idea of charity and is forced to be the coordinator for the "Associated Way" charity drive. Later, at the company charity carnival, Dogbert hits children in the face with baseballs.
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TVTranscript
00:28The End
00:44The End
01:00I would learn from this experience
01:04No, no, it's okay, don't cry
01:08It's so unfair
01:10First-year generation pollutes the world and plunders its natural resources
01:15Now this
01:17Okay, okay, just calm down, I'll buy a box
01:22That'll be $80
01:23$80 for cookies?
01:31Okay, take my money, go visit the fashion cafe
01:34Maybe I'll buy a pony too
01:36Shouldn't you write down my name or something?
01:38I don't like to leave a paper trail
01:40Thank you
01:41You're welcome
01:46What?
01:47You buckled under the pressure
01:49Wuss
01:49I helped a little girl learn a valuable lesson about life
01:53I think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime
01:56No, I taught her by my example that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor
02:01It feels good to give
02:03Ugh, that's ridiculous
02:04I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give
02:07You are on, my cynical friend
02:11Okay, to settle the question, give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good
02:16That wouldn't feel good
02:17Okay, then give me $20 because you lost the bet
02:23Did I just make a bet that would cost me $20 whether I won or not?
02:26Yes
02:27But you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself
02:58We'll see you next time
03:05Hey!
03:06Hey!
03:09Hey!
03:12Hey!
03:14Hey!
03:16Hey!
03:18Hey!
03:21Hey!
03:22Hey!
03:23Hey!
03:25Hey!
03:26Hey!
03:26Hey!
03:26Hey!
03:27Hey!
03:27Hey!
03:28Hey!
03:30Oh, my God.
04:03This year, I have volunteered to chair the Associated Weight Charity Drive for our county.
04:10I think you all know why.
04:12Is it because you need another plaque to cover a fly stain on your office wall?
04:16Yes. That and something about poor people. I expect they'll send me some details in the mail.
04:23It's like you're a saint or something.
04:25No, loud Howard. I'm no saint. I just believe that people should do their fair share.
04:32Or, in the case where one of those people is the boss, other people should do it for them.
04:37This is even more inspirational than last year.
04:39Now, in keeping with tradition, three charity coordinators will be chosen from the list of our most useless employees.
04:50Wally.
04:51Hey, top of the list four years in a row.
04:54Whoa, whoa.
04:55A dead guy we found in the stairwell.
04:58And the chair he's sitting in, which we've named Ronald.
05:03Ooh, tough competition.
05:05Congratulations. You will each be assigned an official Associated Way uniform and a donation container.
05:13Cool. Chicks dig a man in uniform.
05:15Everybody who donates will get one of these colorful, stylish, I-get-to-keep-my-job t-shirts.
05:23Of course, participation is completely 100% voluntary.
05:28Any questions?
05:30Yeah.
05:30What about the carnival?
05:32What about the carnival?
05:32What about the carnival?
05:34What about the carnival?
05:35All right, youngsters. Settle down.
05:38We'll have the company charity carnival.
05:41Okay?
05:41Yay!
05:43I hate that carnival.
05:45All the money raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival.
05:48And it's based on the premise of cheap thrills and cheating.
05:52Hardly charitable concepts.
05:54How dare you!
05:55How dare you denigrate the carnival!
05:58Shh!
05:59Dilbert, are you criticizing the carnival?
06:02I'm a gog.
06:03And I rarely admit that.
06:05No, it's just that, uh...
06:07Well...
06:08Okay.
06:09Exactly where does the money go?
06:11Well, there's the poor, who I keep going on about.
06:15And, of course, the plaques don't grow on trees.
06:18Isn't the plaque made of wood?
06:20So?
06:20Then it does grow on a tree.
06:22Why do you ask a question if you already know the answer?
06:25He's an arrogant bastard.
06:27Now, listen, punk.
06:28If you think you can reinvent the wheel, the Ferris wheel, that is,
06:32then go right ahead.
06:34Carnival Chairman Dilbert, ha-ha-r.
06:37What just happened?
06:46So, Dilbert, how much can I put you down for?
06:50Here's 20 bucks.
06:51Now leave me alone until next year.
06:53Ooh, $20.
06:54I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you.
06:56You don't even know where the money goes.
06:58I don't know where pudding comes from, but I still eat it.
07:01That is such a bad analogy.
07:03Thank you, Wally.
07:04Now I can never eat pudding again.
07:06Well, it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories.
07:09No matter what people say, Alice, looks are important.
07:12Alice, have you fulfilled your obligation to society?
07:16Yes.
07:16I signed up for payroll deduction.
07:18I like to give.
07:19I'm morally superior to Dilbert.
07:21That is so illogical.
07:23As long as there are starving people in the world,
07:25you can't have money in the bank and still claim to be moral.
07:28There is ample precedent for my behavior.
07:30It is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford.
07:35You just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the same.
07:40That came out of my shoe budget.
07:42Don't rock the boat, Dilbert.
07:43It's a fragile system.
07:45That shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year.
07:48What's so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes?
07:52Stop it.
07:53You're ruining everything.
07:55I mean, until you give it all away, you're not more moral.
07:58You just feel less guilty.
08:00I don't agree.
08:01The concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context.
08:04I mean, the relative value of guilt in a so-called free society.
08:07I mean, altruistic inclinations are dependent upon...
08:10I mean...
08:11Damn.
08:12You're right.
08:13I hate that.
08:16Hey, can you spare a few dollars for the disabled veterans of retail security?
08:21You don't look disabled to me.
08:23I've got prickly heat.
08:25Ed's just kind of slow.
08:27Which one of us is Ed?
08:29You're on my turf, fellas.
08:31Don't start with me.
08:33You wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill.
08:36Can you settle this outside?
08:38I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion.
08:41There's no such thing as perpetual motion.
08:44Not now, but if we collect enough money, someday...
08:47Hey, come on.
08:48Hey, come on.
08:48You're watching it in my words.
08:49No, you are coming, buddy.
08:51Okay?
08:51Who should I make that out to?
08:53To the society of guys with large bellies who don't have satellite dishes yet.
08:58This will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see us.
09:06I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewers got that extra.
09:10Morning, Governor.
09:11Would you help out a good cause and buy a candy bar?
09:13Only five dollars.
09:15How do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the...
09:21What was the cause again?
09:22We're trying to find a cure for canine apathy.
09:26Canine apathy?
09:28By any chance, is your leader about two feet tall, round glasses and a tail?
09:33Okay, urchins.
09:34Bring the money to the van.
09:53You seem a little short.
09:55No, sir.
09:56No.
09:56I would never.
09:57Do I have to run a full body cavity search on you?
10:02Good.
10:03And put more dirt on your face.
10:09Dog burn.
10:10I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you yet.
10:16Uh-oh.
10:17Chain reaction.
10:19A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
10:24-ha-ha-ha-ha.
10:38At least they'll get a few minutes apiece.
10:40Howdy, Rob.
10:41My name is Foster, from the Organization of Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows.
10:46Why don't they just change jobs?
10:48How's a cow gonna change jobs, city boy?
10:51Use your head.
10:52Go away.
10:53Leave me alone.
10:55Would you donate money to the women who cut their hair too short and don't realize how bad it looks?
10:59Money for mountain goats with three legs?
11:01Hey, you're hiding your leg. I can see it.
11:03Hey, mind your own business, buddy.
11:05I'm not a man.
11:06I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress. Did I miss anything?
11:10Okay, here, here. This is all I have. Everyone just leave me alone.
11:18Oh, Dilbert, I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the Associated Way banquet tomorrow night.
11:23Tell them how grateful I am.
11:24Do you think this could have waited until later?
11:27Don't mind me. I'll just wait.
11:35There I was in the NBA.
11:38All-star forward, multi-millionaire.
11:40Life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol.
11:44Actually, that part was pretty good, too. I love drugs and alcohol.
11:48But I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire fortune.
11:52That's when the Associated Way helped me out.
11:54I got sober. I started my own business.
11:57Now I got a beautiful wife.
11:58Great kids, a mistress, whole fleet of cars, mansions on both coasts, and a Learjet.
12:03Yeah. And best of all, I haven't paid any taxes in years.
12:11Thank you. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life.
12:14And now, to accept the appreciation award on behalf of our county coordinator is one of his flunkies, Dilbert.
12:30On behalf of my boss, who didn't care enough to be here, thank you for this lovely plaque.
12:38And, if you don't mind me saying so, what exactly was the lesson we're supposed to get from this drugged
12:43-out basketball player?
12:46I mean, didn't he just teach us that if you become a drug addict, your life will turn out fine?
12:55It seems to me that this whole charity concept is nothing but an exercise in redistribution of guilt.
13:01I'm all for helping the disadvantaged, but aren't most of your funds going towards administrative costs?
13:08Wouldn't it be more effective, more cost-effective, more impactful, if each of us just helped one other person?
13:19But I digress.
13:21Thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss.
13:24I'm sure you could have fed a family of four for what it costs to make it.
13:28Don't go ahead, Tom.
13:30It was just an argument.
13:32I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind.
13:34Too late, Gandhi.
13:36You've killed charitable giving forever.
13:39Excuse me, sir.
13:40I...
13:40I'm a woman, damn it!
13:42Sorry.
13:48Help!
13:58Hey, what happened?
13:59What happened?
14:01Get this guy.
14:03See, we're the cleaning crew.
14:06The crew that cleans up.
14:08I understand that.
14:09Oh, do you with your college degree?
14:12You know, we might not be engineers, but there's a certain science to what we do, too.
14:16Well, no, there's not.
14:18But I'm not here to argue.
14:20You've just discarded all of Alice's possessions.
14:23What?
14:24This junk?
14:24Where she's going, she ain't gonna be needing it.
14:27Where's she going?
14:28The street.
14:29The street?
14:31But how's she gonna live?
14:32What about food, clothing, shelter?
14:35It's no problem.
14:37It's not?
14:38Nope, not anymore.
14:40Tell them.
14:40Homeless Depot is the place for all your homeless needs.
14:44And at prices that can't be beat.
14:47Homeless Depot.
14:48Now in two convenient locations.
14:49Our original location at 11233 Skid Row.
14:52And visit our newest Homeless Depot at 475 and a half,
14:56that dangerous part of that abandoned waterfront area, down there.
15:01Okay, let's see.
15:02Sweater, a sock, old rags, carton of soggy cigarette butts.
15:07Those are on sale, right?
15:09Do you have your Homeless Depot card?
15:11Of course.
15:12That's another 20% off.
15:14Alice.
15:14What do you want, Dilbert?
15:16You gave all your money away?
15:18What choice did I have?
15:19You convinced me that it would be immoral to hold on to it.
15:22Hey, that is a spiffy shopping cart.
15:24You like it?
15:25I customized it.
15:26Is that a motor?
15:27Yeah.
15:28Nine horsepower.
15:29Nine horsepower.
15:30Wow.
15:32Alice, I thought maybe I could get the carnival up and running again.
15:36A carnival?
15:38You mean like with rides?
15:40Excuse me, do I know you?
15:42I'm your neighbor.
15:43I'm your friend.
15:45I'm your relative.
15:46I'm the one you won't make eye contact with.
15:49The one you're afraid to say hello to.
15:52So, in other words, no.
15:54Nah.
15:56We're here at the charity carnival, the brainchild of this man, Dilbert, who ironically is the
16:02same man whose popular outspoken cynicism about charity has meant a death sentence to
16:07thousands of needy people.
16:09Was that a question?
16:10There you have it.
16:11In his own words, he just doesn't care.
16:21Wait, I know this one.
16:24It's Ted!
16:24Darn.
16:26How does he do it?
16:28Ha!
16:29Next!
16:29This booth is doing well.
16:31Right this way.
16:33See the freaks.
16:34One dollar.
16:34Why not?
16:43I can't get an outside line.
16:45I can't even get an operator to get me an outside line.
16:48What does this button mean?
16:49I've never heard that sound before.
16:51It's not a busy signal.
16:53It's more like a beep beep.
16:54Beep beep.
16:55That's funny.
16:56I could have sworn I put my glasses down right here.
16:59I was reading the paper and then I got up.
17:08Step right up!
17:13Step right up.
17:14Knock a street urchin off a bean with a baseball and win a toy.
17:18Watch how easy it is to win.
17:29Come on, folks.
17:30Don't be shy being a street urchin with a baseball.
17:33You look innocent, but you know they've done something to deserve it.
17:37What about you, sir?
17:39That is disgusting.
17:40You mean to say if I hit one of those kids with a baseball, I could win some of this
17:44stuff?
17:45That's the premise.
17:47Isn't that my camera?
17:49And my binoculars?
17:50And my CD player?
17:52Tell you what I'll do.
17:53You hit one kid in the noggin with one baseball,
17:56and I'll give you all the prizes, close the booth, and go home.
18:00All the prizes?
18:01Is there an echo in here?
18:02All right.
18:03I'll take a shot.
18:18No!
18:21Step right up.
18:23Everybody plays.
18:24Only I win.
18:26Oh, that looks good.
18:29Yeah, how do they do that?
18:30Hi!
18:31Hi!
18:33Oh, something smells good.
18:36I am just about partied out.
18:39Oh, brother.
18:40I've got to sit down.
18:47Oh, nobody's sitting here.
18:49Just take a load off till I get chased away.
18:51Ha-ha!
18:55La-dee-da!
18:57La-dee-da!
19:07Get a shot of the idiot on the dunking tank.
19:16Ooh.
19:17Ooh.
19:20Hey, hi, everybody!
19:27Oh, my God, they've killed the boss.
19:36There's no pulse.
19:37Are you sure he had one before?
19:40He's not breathing.
19:42Do you know what this means?
19:44What does it mean?
19:45Three-day weekend, maybe more.
19:48Somebody's going to have to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
19:53Great.
19:59Stop that.
20:15Well, I'll be.
20:17Who would have guessed it?
20:18I've been date-raped by Dilbert.
20:20No, no, you were drowning.
20:22I saved you.
20:23So you didn't slip me a Mickey and have your way with me?
20:27No.
20:28Well, that's a first.
20:29You're a hero now.
20:31How does it feel?
20:32Strangely good.
20:33Except for the smell of chili dogs that I may never forget.
20:36You saw it live.
20:38One man, acting against his own interest to help his fellow man.
20:42Nothing to gain but the knowledge that he helped another human being in some small way.
20:47What you have witnessed is nothing less than the complete rebirth of the spirit of giving.
20:53That's all from here.
20:56Yeah!
21:01Okay, pack it up.
21:02We got a cat stuck in a drainpipe across town.
21:06If I'm not mistaken, you just performed an act of charity without draining your bank account.
21:13Yeah.
21:14So?
21:15I believe I've made my point.
21:22I just wanted to hear you admit it.
21:29That woman does not like to lose an argument.
21:49I'm not the organic matter you think I am, despite anything you hear from my employee.
21:59I'm going to need another plaque.
22:01Yeah!
22:29Oh, my God.
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