Dilbert has a near-death experience at a gas station, and finds that the afterlife is exactly like the office. Meanwhile, a group listening to a multi-level marketing speech become hypnotized, and through a bizarre accident caused by a crashing space shuttle and the birthday kit create a religion based on Wally. Dilbert and Dogbert manage to cover up the crash, while Wally turns away his followers with his odd habits.
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TVTranscript
00:03That was even more fascinating than last week.
00:06Could we go someplace else next time, Mom?
00:09Anyplace? Please?
00:11There's so much more to see.
00:13We practically ran through the exhibit of giraffe-necked babies.
00:17Those babies are so fake.
00:19Oh, they're real.
00:21That's not the sort of thing they'd lie about.
00:23That's exactly the sort of thing they'd lie about.
00:25Back me up on this, Dogbert.
00:27Oh, they're real.
00:31How did you get so distrustful?
00:34Well, I'm just guessing, but maybe it was because you lied to me about the Tooth Fairy,
00:38then you lied to me about the Easter Bunny,
00:40then you lied to me about Santa Claus,
00:42then you lied to me about the stork bringing babies.
00:44He knows about the stork.
00:46My fault. I let him watch the Nature Channel. He put two and two together.
00:50Now I don't believe anything I'm told unless there's proof.
00:53This paperweight is an exact replica of the largest fibroid tumor ever removed from a human uterus.
01:01That's ridiculous. How do they know it's the biggest one?
01:05There's an annual festival in Monterey.
01:12Get the Turbo Supreme.
01:15The commercial says it whitens your teeth while you drive.
01:18That's ridiculous.
01:19But I'm going to get the Turbo Supreme just to prove you wrong.
01:26You have to believe in some things without proof, Dilbert.
01:30Otherwise, life will appear meaningless.
01:33Maybe life is meaningless. Did you ever think of that?
01:36That one is getting whiter already.
01:40Dogburg, could you go inside and take care of our bill?
01:47Do you ever feel bloated after eating a big meal?
01:50Yes, I do. How'd you know that?
01:52I'm a surgeon. Your problem is caused by a huge fibroid tumor in your uterus.
01:56I can remove it if you have a health plan.
01:58I don't have a health plan.
02:01Can I pay you with gas?
02:04All right. I'll need a plastic fork, a jar of salsa, and one thing I left in the car.
02:13I always remember the day that little surgeon saved my life.
02:17I'm telling you, it's dangerous to smoke cigarettes while you pump gas.
02:21My daddy always pump gas this way, and he's still alive.
02:25Or at least it looks that way when the wind catches his rocking chair just right.
02:30You can open your eyes now.
02:32That didn't even hurt.
02:33I'll have to send this to the lab.
02:37Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
02:44Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:14Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:27Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:32Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:35Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:36Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:36Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:36Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:36Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:36Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:36Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:36Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:37Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:38Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:41Bad news. You're out of Turbo Supreme.
03:46Oh, my God.
03:48Dilbert, can you hear me?
03:50Can you do something for him, little surgeon?
03:52No, I used the last of the plastic forks when I operated on you.
03:56Whatever happens is on your conscience now.
03:58Wake up. Dilbert, wake up.
04:00Can you hear me?
04:09I must be dead.
04:11This is the tunnel I keep reading about.
04:19Behind this door are the answers to the ultimate questions.
04:23The afterlife.
04:45Frankly, I was hoping for more.
04:59He's dead.
05:00Dilbert is dead.
05:02Are you sure?
05:03Yes!
05:16I don't know what kind of manners they have in the afterlife, funny boy, but on earth, you watch your
05:20hands!
05:21Am I alive?
05:25Actually, you're down a quart.
05:27You're a miracle worker, little surgeon!
05:29You got that right.
05:31Dear, now that you're alive again, I need to ask you one very important question.
05:36Yes, Mom?
05:38Are my teeth any whiter?
05:42And then I traveled back down the tunnel and woke up at the gas station.
05:46Are you telling me the afterlife is a stinking cubicle?
05:50I'm just telling you what I saw.
05:52How fast was the internet connection?
05:55I don't know if it had an internet connection.
05:57Well, this raises many troubling questions about the afterlife.
06:01First, how do you get your software upgraded?
06:06I guess it was just the one question.
06:08So, technically, you were dead.
06:11I think so.
06:12No more employee benefits for you, my dead friend.
06:15But I came back to life.
06:17Rules are rules.
06:18Can't change them.
06:18Try to look at the big picture.
06:20Happy birthday, Wally.
06:22Blah, blah, blah.
06:23Everybody eat cake and see if your morale goes up.
06:26Yeah, I'd love to stay, but secretaries have to watch the phones.
06:29Oh, sure, I can buy the cake and I can buy the gift.
06:32But the world would end if I let one phone call go to voicemail.
06:35Sometimes I call her my boss.
06:42That usually gets a laugh.
06:45Did anyone bring the birthday kit?
06:47Got it.
06:54Do we get any cake?
06:56Howard, whose birthday is it?
06:59Yours.
07:00Does anyone care that I was dead yesterday?
07:03Can you let someone else be in the spotlight for one second?
07:06We can't stop a birthday celebration every time you die.
07:11Uh, unwrap my present.
07:12I'm a little busy.
07:13I am honored.
07:16Oh, it is a round thing you throw through the air for no apparent reason.
07:22I'll take the picture.
07:24So there's no photographic evidence that I ever associated with any of you?
07:32Wally!
07:35Napkin!
07:48Where have I seen this before?
07:51Before we get back to work, I want to remind everyone that all employees must be present
07:57at the launch site when our new deep space exploration rocket goes up.
08:04In about five minutes.
08:05Five minutes?
08:06We can't get there in five minutes.
08:08No exceptions.
08:15Except you, Dilbert.
08:17I want you to visit our Director of Human Resources, Mr. Ketbert.
08:31I want you to visit our website, Mr. Ketbert.
08:53How would you feel about making this an unmanned probe?
08:56Uh, that's what it's supposed to be.
08:58There's still time to put a monkey in there.
08:59I hate monkeys.
09:02No.
09:02All we want on board is the capsule full of Earth artifacts in case the rocket is discovered
09:07by an alien civilization.
09:09A capsule, you say?
09:11The capsule is on board, isn't it?
09:14Would you excuse me for a moment?
09:17I need someone to volunteer for a suicide mission.
09:22Now, you'll need to run toward the launch site and fling this birthday kit through the
09:27open window of the rocket module.
09:29Then turn and be consumed by the launch flames while trying to get back.
09:35Oh, nature was calling me.
09:37Did I miss anything important?
09:46If I can succeed in this assignment, I will be remembered and rewarded for the rest of my career.
09:5210, 5, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, NIN!
10:03Stupid bird!
10:07Anyone know what kind that is?
10:16And remember, any friend who won't join your downline sales force is no friend of yours.
10:28Gullible sheep, I could tell them anything right now.
10:31If you believe you can get rich with multi-level marketing, slap yourself in the face real hard.
10:40Every time. I still can't believe it.
10:56So you admit you were dead.
10:59Yes, but very briefly. That's no reason to cancel my employee benefits.
11:04Well, at the risk of sounding sadistic and uncaring, our policy is to discontinue benefits at death.
11:12That only applies to people who stay dead. I was only dead for a minute.
11:16If I granted this exception, everyone would claim they were coming back to life later.
11:22Oh, do whatever you want. It doesn't make a difference. We all just die and end up in a cubicle
11:26anyway.
11:27Pray tell. What did you have in mind? Angels playing harps on a cloud?
11:33Well, no.
11:34Well, tell me, Dilbert. I'm curious. What is your vision of the afterlife?
11:40Well, actually...
11:42Oh, I'm sorry. Your time is up. Literally.
11:48We have some nice parting gifts for you, Dilbert. Tell him what we have for him.
11:52Nothing!
11:54Nothing!
12:12It looks like some sort of holy man. Look at the halo.
12:18It says,
12:20To Wally on it.
12:22This must be a picture of the Wally.
12:25And that must be his holy plastic grail.
12:36It's the Shroud of Wally.
12:49As you know, yesterday's rocket launch was a complete success.
12:53Uh, could you use the laser pointer? I'm not following you.
12:59We're pretty sure the problem was a defect somewhere in this area.
13:04I'll bet NASA's sorry they hired us to build that thing.
13:07Have they asked for their five billion dollars back yet?
13:10More good news on that front.
13:12We also have the contract to provide them with the digital images the rocket sends back.
13:18How is that good news?
13:20Well, as luck would have it, all stars look alike.
13:22Tiny dots alike.
13:25One looks just like the next.
13:28Does NASA know the rocket went down?
13:30No. And thanks to Dilbert, they never will.
13:34Me?
13:34Your job is to create digital pictures of uncharted star systems and deliver them to NASA every Tuesday.
13:43How am I going to do that?
13:45Try sending it as an attachment in email. It's very efficient.
13:48Don't make them all look the same. That's a dead giveaway.
13:51I am not going to lie for this company. It's morally indefensible.
13:55Why? Are you afraid you'll die and go to a cubicle?
14:01It wasn't that funny, but I like to laugh.
14:04You've seen your afterlife, Dilbert. No penalties. No rewards. It's time you loosened up and started harming other people.
14:14That is so wrong. Although I don't know why.
14:19Oh, and do something about these protesters. They call themselves the Wallyites.
14:24Hey, have some gripe about space exploration.
14:28Wallyites. I like the name.
14:32Wally is the way. Wally is the way.
14:36Okay, settle down.
14:37Who can tell me why you're opposed to space exploration?
14:41It is heresy.
14:43The Book of Wally says nothing about going to the stars.
14:46There's a Book of Wally?
14:48That's it?
14:49That's the whole Book of Wally?
14:51It can be interpreted many ways.
14:53It doesn't say we should go to the stars.
14:56It says, to Wally.
14:58When we die, we will spend eternity with Wally.
15:01I hate to break it to you, but your entire belief system is based on a myth.
15:06Do you have something better?
15:08You'll find us very flexible.
15:09I'm not fond of the outfits, anyway.
15:12You can believe in science. That's real.
15:14You mean like your rocket ship?
15:16Yes. I mean, no, that's probably a very bad example.
15:20People only think the rocket exists.
15:22Hi, Dilbert. Hi, Nuts.
15:26Liar!
15:41Wally?
15:42What are you doing in the afterlife?
15:44Haven't you heard?
15:46After you die, you spend the rest of eternity with me.
15:49Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
16:00I know, I know. You died again. It's getting old.
16:06Now that looks wrong.
16:08How about here?
16:09That's just stupid.
16:11It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
16:13You live your whole life being nice, and you still die and go to that little cubicle in the sky.
16:17They say only the good die young. If it works the other way, too, I'm immortal.
16:22Speaking of evil, I could use your special talents tomorrow.
16:25Let me check my calendar. I'll see what else I have going.
16:28Evil, evil, evil, not evil.
16:31Looks like I have an opening.
16:34I don't mean to seem skeptical, but these photos look like they were made on a personal computer with a
16:39paint program.
16:40This is where you come in.
16:41Surely you agree that in a vast universe with billions and billions of stars, it probably looks exactly like this
16:49from some angle.
16:50Well, yes, but we wanted actual pictures from the rocket.
16:54Isn't that a little narrow-minded?
16:56You know, this could be the answer to our funding problem.
16:59Can you give us evidence of life on other planets?
17:01Are you kidding? This picture is teeming with life.
17:05See this dot? It looks exactly like the other dot, but smudgier.
17:10What's that prove?
17:11I can't do it all for you.
17:13Ned, you're good at this.
17:14That smudginess can only be caused by a distortion in the electromagnetic spectrum typically inhabited by ham radio signals.
17:20That's it?
17:21And, uh, further studies are needed?
17:25Yeah!
17:26Yeah!
17:29That'll get us funding for this space station.
17:31We'd like to bid on the space station project, too.
17:34No!
17:35No!
17:36Forget the bid.
17:37You got the job.
17:41Can you tell us anything about how you plan to build the space station?
17:46All right, fellas.
17:47I'd better not get into the technical stuff.
17:50My engineers say I tend to shoot from the hip.
17:53But I can tell you this.
17:56I'm pretty sure phase one involves building a giant stepladder.
18:00The rumor is that you got this $100 billion contract without even bidding.
18:05My question to you, sir, is, do you think UFOs have visited us?
18:08No.
18:10But they're on the way.
18:12Have you seen this picture yet?
18:14Get a shot of that.
18:18After I talked to the Wallyites, the next time I died, I saw their version of the afterlife.
18:23An eternity with Wally.
18:24What I want to know is, was I really dead or just hallucinating?
18:28Why don't you ask that man we saw on TV, the one who can talk to the spirit world?
18:34He has an 800 number.
18:35I don't believe in that stuff.
18:37But you believe we spend eternity in a cubicle with Wally.
18:41What's his number?
18:45Hello.
18:46Each call costs $3 per minute.
18:49I was expecting your call.
18:50You were?
18:51You want answers, don't you?
18:52Yes, I do.
18:53Do you know someone who died in the last 50 years named John or Jim or Bill or Tom?
19:00Yes.
19:01I thought so.
19:02He has a message for you from the other side.
19:05Which one?
19:06John or Jim or Bill or Tom?
19:07He says you like to do things with your hands, typing or cooking or gardening.
19:13Is that correct?
19:14I type on the computer.
19:15I have to admit, he's good.
19:17He says you get great pleasure from this typing or cooking or gardening.
19:21I do.
19:22But I wanted to ask.
19:23He says you enjoy music and food.
19:26Is that right?
19:27Forget about that.
19:28I want to know if the afterlife is nothing but a cubicle.
19:31He says to be careful with your back or vision or lungs or weight.
19:35I feel fine.
19:36All I want to know is...
19:38So, what are you wearing?
19:40I've never been a supreme being before, but I'm willing to give it a try.
19:45Your humility inspires us.
19:47Please teach us everything you know.
19:49Maybe you could ask me specific questions.
19:52What is your favorite cheese?
19:54Uh, you know, the one with the holes in it.
19:57Swiss!
19:58Right.
19:59Not that one.
20:01Oh.
20:03Can we wear casual clothes on Fridays?
20:05No, it leads to promiscuity.
20:10And no humming to yourself when you're alone.
20:12I hate that.
20:14Oh.
20:17My faith is being tested.
20:19And if you order fish at the restaurant and it comes with the head still on it,
20:23try covering it with mashed potatoes.
20:26Oh.
20:31I wonder if it was something I said.
20:36Is the answer out there or in here?
20:40Is everything simply a manifestation of consciousness?
20:43Or is there another actual level of existence?
20:47A dimension parallel to or beyond the one we live in now?
20:50It's all part of the big illusion that we perpetuate on ourselves and in turn is perpetuated upon us,
20:56like the rocket ship or the Shroud of Wally.
20:59When we believe, we engage the illusion.
21:02When we stop believing, we shatter the illusion and shatter ourselves in the process,
21:06because we are part of it.
21:08Maybe you're right.
21:10Maybe the mistake is in making distinctions.
21:12Out there, in here, life, death.
21:15It's all the same illusion.
21:22Exactly.
21:28Out there, in here, life, death.
21:53Out there, life, death.
21:53Out there, life, death.
21:53Out there, life, death.
21:53Out there, life, death.
21:53Out there, life, death.
21:53Out there, life, death.
21:54Out there, life, death.
21:54Out there, life, death.
21:54Out there, life, death.
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