Dogbert becomes rich and famous by writing a best-selling book about an imaginary disease, 'Chronic Cubicle Syndrome', and Dilbert finds himself saddled with the job of devising a cure.
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TVTranscript
00:04What are you doing?
00:05I'm posting false information on the web.
00:07Why?
00:08It's fun.
00:09Someone picks up a strand of false information,
00:11spreads it around, and before you know it,
00:13a panic is created.
00:14Then you just sit back and watch the chaos.
00:17And figure out a way to exploit it, no doubt.
00:20You say that as if it's a bad thing.
00:21I don't think that is what the World Wide Web was created for.
00:25Ah, that's where you're wrong.
00:26Do you have any idea how difficult it was to spread rumors before?
00:31Mailings, cold calling.
00:32Sometimes I had to go door to door.
00:34It was a real pain.
00:35Thanks to the new technology, my productivity has increased.
00:38Just in the last couple of years,
00:40I've been able to create fear about cell phones,
00:42power lines, and organ theft rings.
00:44You must be very proud.
00:46It's fulfilling.
00:47Well, the last thing I want to do right now
00:49is sit in front of a computer screen.
00:51My neck is all stiff, and I'm blurry-eyed
00:53from sitting all day in my cubicle staring at one.
00:55Hmm.
00:56You don't say.
00:57What are you doing now?
00:59Do you ever feel anxious, tired, or depressed in your cubicle?
01:03I've never felt any other way.
01:05Cha-ching!
01:06Symptoms include blurred vision, muscle joint pain,
01:10anxiety, fatigue, depression.
01:13The conclusion is inescapable.
01:15Symptoms of what?
01:16What conclusion?
01:18An epidemic of chronic cubicle syndrome.
01:20Did you say chronic cubicle syndrome?
01:23Hearing loss.
01:24You just made that up.
01:26Correction.
01:26I have discovered a heretofore undiagnosed condition.
01:30There is no such thing as chronic cubicle syndrome.
01:33Initially, victims exhibit denial.
01:36But you have no proof.
01:37Oh, I have something much better than proof.
01:39Anecdotal evidence.
01:41Who do you think would be dumb enough to believe anecdotal evidence?
01:44Oh, I've narrowed my target market to people.
01:48I have news for you.
01:50We people are smarter than we look.
01:52How hard would that be, really?
01:53Personally, I require scientific evidence before I believe anything.
01:57No, you don't.
01:58Yes, I do.
01:59No, you only think you do.
02:01But in fact, you rely on media reports that scientific evidence exists.
02:04You don't actually see the evidence yourself.
02:06I don't have time to read all the scientific studies myself.
02:10Oh, so you're not gullible.
02:12You're just busy.
02:13That's right.
02:14So when I tell people they have chronic cubicle syndrome, they won't be gullible.
02:17They'll be busy, just like you.
02:19You're being ridiculous.
02:20Other symptoms include poor perception.
02:24I do not have poor perception.
02:26Irritability.
02:26Stop that.
02:27Stop it right now.
02:28Bouts of irrational shouting.
02:30Are you trying to make me crazy?
02:33Paranoia.
02:34Now what?
02:36Now my ghostwriter will put the finishing touches on the book.
02:39You've been writing a book while we've been talking?
02:42I know how that sounds.
02:43And you'd be right.
02:44Ratbert.
02:45How may I be of service to you, higher life forms?
02:48You can't publish a book about an unproven medical condition.
02:52Apparently you haven't been to the bookstore lately.
02:54Proofread, publish, distribute.
02:56Roger.
03:03We're very fortunate to live in the time of dogbert.
03:07This isn't happening.
03:09Add delusions to the symptoms list.
03:11You got it.
03:38All right.
03:46Hey!
04:21We're talking with the best-selling author of Chronic Cubicle Syndrome.
04:24If you think you've got it, you've got it.
04:26Dogbert.
04:27Dogbert, welcome.
04:28Could you repeat the name of the book?
04:30Uh, sure.
04:31Chronic Cubicle Syndrome.
04:32If you think you've got it, you've got it.
04:34How about you, honey?
04:35This is an equal opportunity condition.
04:37Okay.
04:39Chronic Cubicle Syndrome, if you think you've got it, you've got it.
04:43Now, Mr. Dogbert, tell us, what exactly is Chronic Cubicle Syndrome?
04:48Oh, I can't divulge that information.
04:50You'll have to buy the book.
04:51What's it called again?
04:53Nice, Dry.
04:54I can tell you that millions of people suffer from Chronic Cubicle Syndrome.
04:58It's a worldwide epidemic.
04:59How would one know if one had Chronic Cubicle Syndrome?
05:04If you think you've got it, you've got it.
05:07Is there any scientific evidence to support your claim?
05:10The best kind.
05:11It's called anecdotal.
05:12Ooh.
05:13That's good.
05:14This is preposterous.
05:16I'm a scientist, and I tell you all that anecdotal evidence is worthless.
05:20Talk to the hand.
05:24You certainly made him look like a boob.
05:27We get all kinds.
05:29I think we all know from past experience that the scientific and medical community will try
05:34to suppress this information, hiding behind red tape and double-blind studies until it's
05:38too late.
05:39How many people have to die, sir?
05:41Yeah.
05:42How many?
05:44It says in your bio that you're a doctor, but our producer checked with the medical boards
05:49and we find no record of you.
05:50How do you explain that?
05:52Talk to the hand.
05:58There you have it.
05:59Our next market opportunity.
06:02Chronic Cubicle Syndrome.
06:04I hate to break it to you, but there's no such thing as Chronic Cubicle Syndrome.
06:08I've heard of it!
06:09You've heard of it because it was just on TV.
06:12So?
06:13I think I have Chronic Cubicle Syndrome.
06:15Does it make your butt whiter?
06:16I'm losing muscle tone.
06:18I wondered what was causing that.
06:20Sometimes I feel like I am surrounded by nincompoops.
06:23I believe that is a symptom of CCS.
06:25Wally, what's it say?
06:26If this is a ventriloquism act, it's better with a dummy.
06:29I mean the tape measure.
06:31Calm down.
06:33There is no such thing as Chronic Cubicle Syndrome.
06:36Dilbert, I value your input.
06:39Now, who wants to develop a product to combat Chronic Cubicle Syndrome?
06:44First of all, we're not a pharmaceutical company.
06:47Second, we're engineers, not biochemists.
06:50Dilbert, I value your input.
06:52Now, who wants to help Dilbert develop a product to combat Chronic Cubicle Syndrome?
06:58Hands?
06:59You know, the facts are completely against us here.
07:01All right, hang on here.
07:04You know, in our mad rush to cash in on this horrible condition before the competition,
07:10and before the class action suits get filed, are we perhaps getting ahead of ourselves?
07:17What is our moral responsibility?
07:20Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying.
07:23Perhaps we need further research.
07:24Yes.
07:25Perhaps further study.
07:27Yes.
07:28Well, who's got time for that, you prig?
07:30No.
07:31We need to create some favorable facts first.
07:35Now.
07:36Favorable facts?
07:37Yes.
07:39Favorable facts.
07:40The other kind are worthless.
07:42Now, let's see.
07:42Let's see.
07:43We could flip a coin.
07:45Too risky.
07:46We could test humans.
07:47That's always fun.
07:49What about monkeys?
07:50Or rabbits?
07:51Or puppies?
07:52We've had some success hurting them in the past, haven't we?
07:55Dilbert could do some tests on mice.
07:57Mice are full of favorable facts.
07:59Very good.
07:59Mice it is.
08:01This is ridiculous, but at least that's vaguely scientific.
08:05I'll need a budget to get some mice.
08:07Say what?
08:07We're not paying for mice.
08:10Good God, man.
08:11The streets are full of them.
08:13It looks so real.
08:15Wally?
08:16Did you bring the cheese?
08:17Yes, it's delicious.
08:19And now the mouse.
08:22Technically, I'm a rat, not a mouse.
08:24I know, but you're all we could afford on our budget.
08:26That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
08:35No signs of chronic cubicle syndrome yet?
08:38He looks listless and bored.
08:40That doesn't mean anything.
08:43My co-workers are idiots, idiots, I say.
08:47Only I and I alone know all the answers.
08:50You can't tell me that's not chronic cubicle syndrome.
08:52We haven't established causation yet.
08:55I'm wasting my life in here.
08:57There's no career path.
08:58I want stock options.
09:00I think my boss hates me because of the way he looks at me in the meetings.
09:03Why do the objectives keep changing?
09:05I am so customer focused.
09:07You are not customer focused.
09:08Let's just say further study is needed.
09:19We're in.
09:20Start pouring the champagne.
09:22Happy days are here again.
09:24Wait, wait.
09:25With just one rat, we don't think any conclusions can be drawn.
09:29Oh, we'll draw conclusions, all right.
09:31You can be sure of that.
09:33Take this to the boys in the statistical distortion department.
09:36They'll fix the data for you.
09:37Tell them Ike sent you.
09:39Your name's not Ike.
09:40I didn't say it was.
09:45I need you to distort some statistics from rat tests, although I don't agree with doing it.
09:50I've just lost my will to fight it anymore.
09:52I don't need the life story.
09:55Let's see.
09:56One rat, one test.
09:57I can make these numbers prove that immortality is possible, or that drinking hard liquor improves
10:05your love life.
10:06Any of those ring your bell?
10:08No.
10:08My boss wants this test to prove the existence of something called chronic cubicle syndrome.
10:13Chronic cubicle syndrome?
10:15Everyone knows it exists.
10:17Haven't you read the book?
10:18Have you?
10:19You don't have to actually read it if you buy it.
10:21It's an implied covenant.
10:22The book offers absolutely no proof.
10:25Well, that's not my only source.
10:26I'm a serious-minded person.
10:28I also heard about it on TV.
10:31That's only because of the book.
10:33All right, let's see.
10:34We've got the TV, the anecdotal evidence, the book, and now your study.
10:38Congratulations.
10:39Nice work.
10:45Well, I hope you're happy.
10:47Chronic cubicle syndrome is now an official condition.
10:50It's sweeping the nation.
10:52Chronic cubicle syndrome is real.
10:54It's all in the book.
10:55Buy a copy for a friend.
10:57The end.
10:58What are you doing?
10:59Just recording the audio version of my book.
11:01That was it?
11:02It's abridged.
11:03Abridged?
11:04It's three sentences.
11:06All right, very abridged.
11:07I've been very busy penning the follow-up, the Dogbert Chronic Cubicle Syndrome Cure Diet.
11:12And what might that be?
11:14I'll give you a hint.
11:15It involves food.
11:23What's going on here?
11:24I'm shooting my infomercial.
11:27Infomercial for what?
11:28Dogbert's secret juice formula.
11:30Many experts believe that the symptoms of chronic cubicle syndrome can be significantly reduced
11:34by drinking 14 to 28 glasses of my special secret juice formula each day.
11:40That smells like alcohol.
11:41Well, I'm not at liberty to reveal the ingredients.
11:44It's an info no-no.
11:45But of course, if people get drunk, they're not going to feel the effects of chronic cubicle syndrome,
11:49whatever it is.
11:51That's not bad.
11:52Would you mind doing a testimonial?
11:54Yes, I would mind.
11:57Did you get that?
12:02And since I started drinking Dogbert's secret juice formula to combat the effects of chronic
12:07cubicle syndrome, I'm a changed man.
12:10Hey, what the?
12:10How did he do that?
12:12It's all computer generated.
12:14You're very telegenic.
12:15And by the way, it works.
12:17Get Dogbert's secret juice formula today.
12:24Since when do you exercise?
12:26It's not exercise.
12:28It's dorkercise.
12:29I've never felt more alive.
12:31I've never heard of dorkercise.
12:33It's all in the Dogbert chronic cubicle syndrome 30 days to a smaller-budded-you workout video.
12:38Apparently, if you eat less and exercise two hours a day, you can lose the weight caused
12:43by chronic cubicle syndrome.
12:44If you exercise two hours a day and eat less, you'll lose weight without the video.
12:49No.
12:50This gets the cellulite, too.
12:51It's completely different.
12:53Read the book.
12:56And sometimes, when I stay up late, I am tired the next day.
13:01That could be serious.
13:02What else?
13:03When I don't eat, I feel an emptiness in my stomach.
13:07That's because your spine is out of alignment.
13:10It's chronic cubicle syndrome.
13:11I was afraid of that.
13:13You'll need one treatment a week until my boat is paid for.
13:16I hope it is not a big boat.
13:18Lie on your stomach.
13:21Now, I'm going to straighten your spine until you cry.
13:24May I request anesthetics?
13:26I don't believe in those.
13:27Besides, you'll pass out from the pain in a few minutes anyway.
13:43Delbert!
13:45Delbert!
13:46Oh, there you are!
13:48Now, you look for me.
13:50No, never mind that.
13:51Why were you playing games when you're supposed to be coming up with a Bafo product to combat chronic cubicle
13:57syndrome?
13:57I'll tell you why.
13:59Chronic cubicle syndrome doesn't exist.
14:01That's the holdup.
14:02How am I supposed to engineer a product for an imaginary condition?
14:06Poor Dilbert.
14:07You know, Dilbert, I've been around a long time.
14:10Too long to count.
14:12One, two, ah, whatever.
14:14See, I told you, I've seen many people, good people, felled by this dreaded disease.
14:20It's up to you, my boy.
14:22Gosh, I don't know.
14:24I'm all confused.
14:25That's the spirit.
14:26Don't do it for me, do it for yourself.
14:29And if you don't do it for yourself, at least do it, because you'll be fired if you don't.
14:34I call them shock pants.
14:36They deliver a severe electric shock to the wearer any time his posture gets bad.
14:41And that will cure chronic cubicle syndrome?
14:43Well, if chronic cubicle syndrome existed, it would probably have something to do with your posture.
14:49We need to test this on someone.
14:51What did I miss?
14:52Can I help with anything?
14:56And this will help me with my posture?
15:03That straightened him out.
15:05Let's take this puppy to marketing and get it in stores.
15:08We couldn't wait for a shook to get bad posture, so I asked Dilbert to make this remote control to
15:14speed up the demonstration.
15:20I love it.
15:21It's a device for shocking interns.
15:23We can sell a billion of these.
15:24Actually, it's a cure for chronic cubicle syndrome, which doesn't exist, but we've managed to get past that.
15:30We don't want to sell cures for diseases.
15:32That's too much of a downer.
15:33We'll be painted with the same brush as that Jonas Salk guy.
15:37Okay, by me.
15:38Let's forget the whole thing.
15:39You're not thinking like marketing people.
15:41Let's use our imaginations.
15:43Our what?
15:44You mean let's use our imaginations.
15:46Isn't that what I just said?
15:48Hmm.
15:49I guess it is.
15:49You know, those yellow sticky notes were invented by accident.
15:52So was the space shuttle.
15:54Exactly.
15:55How can we turn this huge mistake by an engineer into a victory by marketing?
16:00I've got it.
16:01We'll market them as a line of casual wear for business.
16:05It worked with dockers.
16:06It can work for shockers.
16:08I'd like to go on the record.
16:10Don't make your mistake any worse.
16:13We're just lucky these marketing people were here to pull our fat out of the fire.
16:19May I see that for a moment?
16:30In the news, even as claims of chronic cubicle syndrome continue to rise,
16:34as every drone with the sniffles is convinced he has it,
16:37the sales of shock pants are soaring,
16:39thanks to new corporate dress codes that make them mandatory.
16:42You might say workers are dressed for shock cess.
16:47I get it.
16:48No more making up words.
16:49The success of shock pants comes despite widespread reports
16:53of seared flesh and spontaneous human combustion.
16:56If you ask me, it's all rather shocking.
17:01And now for an editorial from our station general manager.
17:05Besieged by pseudoscience once again,
17:07we now find ourselves in the grips of yet another bogus claim
17:12designed to strike fear in hard-working people,
17:15even as it fleeches their meager savings accounts.
17:18Chronic cubicle...
17:20This is crazy.
17:22People are tired, weary, bored, and depressed after a hard day's work.
17:26Day in, day out.
17:28Year after year, an endless dead-end job after endless dead-end job
17:31with no future and no hope.
17:33That's natural.
17:34It's completely appropriate to feel that way.
17:37How else should you feel?
17:38If you felt good after that soul-crunching experience,
17:42that would be sick.
17:43Chronic cubicle syndrome is just life.
17:45You should have thought of that before your rip-off cure
17:48started killing so many people.
17:50It was marketing's idea to turn up the voltage on the new models.
17:53I argued against it.
17:54So it's not your fault?
17:56No one could think it was.
17:58It's Dilbert's fault!
18:00I tried to stop it!
18:01I thank the man upstairs that we live in a country
18:05where the corporations can reap the profits from a death machine
18:08and, through the use of loopholes and disclaimers,
18:11not be liable when the lawsuits start flooding in.
18:14Well, then who is liable?
18:16Well, you are!
18:17Me?
18:18Well, you invented the blasted thing.
18:20Well, then why haven't I earned any royalties?
18:22Because you don't own the patent.
18:24Well, then how can I be liable?
18:25Well, you see, Dilbert, technically, in this instance,
18:30you're an independent contractor.
18:33I am?
18:33Read the fine print.
18:35In the event that profits are realized by said invention,
18:37the independent contractor is defined as the sucker.
18:41In the event that anything goes wrong with said invention,
18:43the independent contractor is defined as the scapegoat.
18:46Is there anything you'd like to say before we hang you out to dry?
18:50Can I make a phone call?
19:01Yes?
19:03I'm so nervous to meet you in person, Mr. Dogbert.
19:06I'm your biggest fan.
19:09May I have some eye contact?
19:11I waited two hours.
19:12Please, just one eye.
19:14The only way to escape from a bad idea is with an even worse idea.
19:19You're welcome.
19:21Using the same studies and data,
19:23we could announce that chronic cubicle syndrome never really existed.
19:27It was a statistical aberration.
19:29Then, if I could come up with an even better market for shock pants,
19:33would you let me off the hook?
19:34Would they still kill people?
19:35Because I've got to tell you, I never laughed so hard.
19:38We can turn the voltage down,
19:39and then we can market them to a different group.
19:42It's all about marketing.
19:43That is so correct.
19:45Is it everything?
19:47This is beautiful.
19:49You have one at home just like it.
19:55Who will tell me who was the first president of the United States?
19:59Your mother?
20:14I'm happy to report that sales of the shock pants are once again zooming.
20:19I guess we all know who gets the credit.
20:22Don't tell me.
20:24It's the guys in marketing.
20:26No, but good guess.
20:27Is it you?
20:28As much as I deserve it, no.
20:30The credit goes to my boss's boss's boss,
20:32who none of us have ever met and never will.
20:35Credit travels up, blame travels down.
20:37It's like drinking beer from a straw, if you know what I mean.
20:40I don't know what you mean.
20:42Me neither.
20:43It's something I once heard.
20:44Although I've been completely hosed on the profits of my invention,
20:47at least we can finally agree that chronic cubicle syndrome
20:50doesn't exist and never did.
20:53Are you nuts?
20:54Just look at the size of my butt.
20:56The dog bird exercise program really works.
20:59And look at this muscle tone since I started drinking that juice.
21:03I'm not loud anymore!
21:09It'll take 24 sessions, minimum.
21:12Can you give me all 24 today?
21:13I'm in a hurry.
21:14Well, I do want to put an addition on my house.
21:27He's stronger than he looked.
21:29Hi, how are you?
21:31What are you staring at?
22:02We're right back.
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