Dilbert's mother's birthday is coming up, and in search of the perfect gift, he returns to the mall where he was abandoned by his father (voiced by Buck Henry) years ago. 7 of 9 alarm clock voiced by Jeri Ryan.
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TVTranscript
00:03Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.
00:08Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.
00:12I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jerry Ryan.
00:15That too is futile.
00:17Okay, that's enough out of you.
00:19Do not touch me.
00:20Then how do I turn you off?
00:21Believe me, I am plenty turned off right now.
00:24Clock tease.
00:36Dogbert, why are you trying to kill the mailman?
00:39I'm just seeing how much he can carry. He's up to seven times his own weight.
00:51Neither rain, nor sleet, nor...
00:54To hell with that!
00:55Help!
00:56Help!
01:00I'd put an end to this cruel game, except we're saving a fortune on heating bills.
02:18THE END
02:32It's your mother's birthday next week
02:34Oh no, not again
02:35So soon?
02:36It seems like only a year ago
02:38I was giving her something she hates
02:40Help! I can't swim!
02:43You're not gonna drown
02:44You're just covered with catalogs
02:46Then help! I can't read!
02:50Why don't you get your mom something from the mall?
02:52No!
02:53Oh yes, I forgot
02:55The unspeakable event from your youth
02:58Don't you think it's time you got over that?
02:59I'm sure I can find the perfect present for mom
03:02Without leaving this couch
03:04Today, we'll be featuring our special line of moonconium gems
03:07As black and sooty as real moonrocks
03:10Plus, they're guaranteed for three months
03:13Moonconium?
03:14Uh-huh
03:15But first, the latest in high-tech surveillance equipment
03:19Straight from the tattered remains
03:21Of the cash-desperate former KGB
03:23Hand me the phone
03:24My mother does not want spy gear for her birthday
03:27It's not for her
03:29It's to use on her
03:30We'll find out exactly what she wants
03:32It's wrong
03:34But I would like an excuse to buy some spy equipment
03:37This is insane!
03:39Wait, target in motion
03:40She's headed for the den
03:45Yes, officer, there's two of them
03:47A big one and a small one
03:49I don't know what they're doing
03:50But they've been out there for hours
03:52I think they might be aiming some kind of ray at my house
03:58I suppose they could be terrorists
03:59Now that you mention it
04:01Or maybe our own people
04:02I've written some strong letters to the Fed
04:05About monetary policy
04:06All right, I think we've gathered enough intelligence
04:09Stop and we'll shoot!
04:11Stop and we'll shoot?
04:12If you're gonna shoot, why should we stop?
04:14Well, it would be a lot easier for us
04:17The targets at the shooting range don't run
04:19Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
04:20That if I get a head start running
04:22Your body will shield me from the spray of bullets?
04:26Hold your fire
04:27They're running
04:34Ashok, could you clean that up?
04:35Ah, I am an engineering intern
04:38Not a coffee cleaner-upper
04:39Alice, could you clean up the coffee spill?
04:41Our intern has suddenly discovered dignity
04:43Sure, no problem
04:46I don't mind
04:47See, she doesn't have a...
04:49There you go
04:52Why don't you just get your mom a gift certificate?
04:54No, I got her cash last year
04:56She said it was insulting
04:57But a gift certificate is completely different from cash
05:00No, it's not
05:00They're both pieces of paper
05:02You can exchange for goods and services
05:04You're missing the point
05:05Actually, a gift certificate is worse than cash
05:08Because you can only use it in one place
05:10And it expires
05:11At least it shows some thought
05:13It shows defective thought
05:15You're trading perfectly good money
05:17For something that does the same thing
05:18Only not as well
05:19Oh, one other thing, Dilbert
05:22Shut up
05:23Why do you not go to the mall of shopping?
05:25Yeah, Dilbert
05:26Why don't you just get her something at the mall?
05:30Dilbert, you okay?
05:34I'm totally fine
05:35What are you accusing me of?
05:37Everyone's afraid of something
05:38I don't want to talk about it
05:42Well, back to work
05:44You know, if we tried to get to the bottom of this
05:47It could kill the whole morning
05:48And yet it would look exactly like work
05:51To the casual observer
05:52I'm in
05:55Come on, Dilbert
05:56It's me, your old pal
05:57What's the point of an office friendship
05:59If you don't expose each other's weaknesses
06:01And then ridicule them?
06:03He's right, Dilbert
06:03All most of us have to get us through the day
06:05Is knowing that we're slightly better than somebody else
06:08Fine
06:09Fine
06:10I'll tell you why I'm
06:12Uncomfortable going to the mall
06:14It all happened when I was five years old
06:16My father took me to the mall for the first time
06:26Daddy, I think those machines are calling me
06:31When we get home
06:32I'll see if there's some sort of prescription drug
06:35To dull your spirit
06:36But right now
06:37We need to buy your mother a birthday gift
06:41All you can eat
06:42All you can eat
06:46We'll see about that
06:53Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?
07:12Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?
07:27And I never saw my father again
07:37I will take you to the mall, Dilbert
07:39I will help you find your father
07:41And I will buy some batteries while I'm there
07:44Wally, this is so unlike you
07:46Why are you offering to help me?
07:48I'm out of batteries
07:51It just came in the mail
07:55It's the greatest breakthrough in market research
07:57Since the...the...other one
07:59I was going to say other one
08:01You boys from marketing have done it again
08:03You know, you're like the three...
08:06Guys from marketing
08:08Who bring us things like this
08:10Does it get HBO?
08:13According to the direction
08:14You just strap it on some sucker's head
08:16And it records his excitement level
08:18When exposed to various shopping stimuli
08:20We need to test it out on someone who shops
08:22I.E. a shopper
08:32Oh
08:36This is so sexist
08:37I am not the only person in this room who shops
08:40Where'd you get the clothes you're wearing?
08:42I won these clothes in a contest
08:43Yeah, I always pick up an extra suitcase
08:45At the airport luggage carousel
08:46We're wearing his hand-me-downs
08:48Sometimes I just find stuff after I talk
08:53Ooh
08:53Oh, just give me that stupid thing
09:01Time to see how my stocks are doing
09:05Hello and welcome to Movie Phone
09:07If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see
09:09Press 1
09:11I
09:12B
09:14M
09:15You have purchased tickets for
09:17Gruesome Carnage
09:19At the Big Mall Cineplex
09:20If this purchase is correct
09:22Press 1
09:24I
09:24B
09:27M
09:27Thank you
09:29Oh, the heck with this
09:30This thing never works anyway
09:31Maybe I'll duck out and catch a flick
09:33Yeah
09:35Gruesome Carnage is at the Big Mall Cineplex
09:38I'm there
09:40I can't believe I've finally returned to the source of all my childhood angst
09:44I feel like this is where I'll either conquer my demons
09:47Or be destroyed by them
10:03You got any gum?
10:05Ah!
10:06Is that so you don't have to confront your fear?
10:08This, my friend, is the latest in virtual reality parking technology
10:12If there's a parking space in here, I'll find it
10:21What's wrong with following someone with a bunch of packages to their car?
10:25Too risky
10:28And...
10:28There!
10:30The perfect spot!
10:33Could somebody hit three, please?
10:44Uh, let's see
10:45We're here
10:47We are?
10:48Aren't we?
10:49I suppose
10:50I could be wrong
10:51If we're not here, then where are we?
10:54And if we are here, where is here?
10:56Isn't here there?
10:57I would think here is here
10:59You would
11:00Here's there
11:01There's here
11:14This isn't working
11:17I told you we should buy the oxygen
11:19Not just the masks
11:21I just can't bring myself to buy oxygen
11:45Uh, this is us
11:53Hey, that's the J400 model
11:55That's the same one I have
11:57I don't cut through a limb like it's a roll of cookie dough
11:59Once, I was given myself a haircut
12:02And I darn near severed my...
12:04Shut up
12:11Uh, Wally
12:12I think we're about to be attacked
12:16Well, don't worry about the natives
12:18Natives?
12:19Yeah
12:20They're the mall natives
12:21They're a primitive society that live in the mall
12:24Why do they live in the mall?
12:25Legend has it
12:26They came for the early morning power walks and just stayed
12:31Bards and nobles
12:32Payless
12:32Big boy
12:33Nordstrom discount
12:34Spencer gift
12:34He says you look familiar
12:36He does?
12:38Who do I look like?
12:40Uh, let's see
12:41Natural Wonders Gap Kids
12:43Walden book
12:44Seas candy
12:45J.C. Penny
12:45J.C. Penney
12:46J.C. Penney
12:46J.C. Penney
12:47Limited two
12:48Montgomery one
12:49Limited two
12:49Disney store
12:50Wetzel's pretzels
12:52They say there's a legend of a man who looks a lot like you
12:55Living at the mall
12:56Not because he can't escape
12:57But because he likes it here
12:59Cineplex
13:00Cineplex
13:01Cineplex
13:01Cineplex
13:02Do they know where the red oyster is?
13:04Do they know how to get there?
13:06Mmm, blockbuster video ATM restoration hardware lens crafters Robinson Mayhew
13:11Spiral
13:13Spiral
13:14They fear the food court
13:16Great
13:17Cineplex
13:18Get for kids
13:19Get for kids
13:22That's right
13:23Fear it
13:23A $50,000 spending limit in just 7.4% interest
13:34Oh, that was a good one
13:36I'll bet you can't fling that nun into the decorative fountain
13:41I couldn't do that
13:43It's a simple matter of aerodynamics
13:45You'd never get the distance with the nun
13:47But you see this next guy?
13:49With the huge pants?
13:50He'll glide like a flying squirrel
13:59Hey, do it again, do it again
14:05All right, one more
14:11Why are people flying off the escalator?
14:14And what happened to Dogbert?
14:16And why do I think those questions are related?
14:19We must not concern ourselves with questions beyond our realm
14:22Now we must focus on the task at hand
14:31We're lost
14:32I'm gonna ask directions
14:40Excuse me
14:42This is all we have as far as you're concerned
14:44I'm not here to shop
14:45I need directions to the Red Oyster restaurant
14:48Go out that way, turn left
14:50Yes, turn left
14:51And don't come back
14:53Thanks
15:02Alice is excited by the prospect of purchasing those shoes
15:05This can't be right
15:07I'm an engineer
15:08I wear shoes to protect my feet
15:10Not because they look pretty
15:16Shut up
15:19If we go down this hall
15:21Leap off the mezzanine onto the custom t-shirt cart
15:24Then we can drop a rope
15:25Swing into Victoria's Secret
15:27And set up camp for the night
15:33Daddy?
15:34Daddy!
15:39Alice!
15:40Wally!
15:41Ashok!
15:52What's the matter with him?
15:53Drunk
15:53Maybe he just seems drunk
15:55Maybe he's got that disease
15:56Alcoholism?
15:57Yeah, that's it
16:04All you can eat
16:08All you can eat
16:15Dad?
16:17Dillbert
16:18Is that you?
16:19Yes
16:20It's me
16:21Dad, what are you doing here?
16:24Quite simply
16:25I'm not done
16:26But why continue?
16:28Why not just come home?
16:29I can't, son
16:31I know it's hard to understand
16:32But it's all you can eat
16:35I don't understand
16:36Why is that so important to you?
16:39Oh, in the beginning
16:40It was just a challenge
16:42Man against buffet
16:43Human
16:44Pitted against an ever-changing array
16:46Of hot and cold dishes
16:48But I can't give up now, son
16:50What would you think of me then?
16:52Couldn't you call it a draw?
16:54I mean, you put up a heck of a fight
16:56I thought about it
16:57But it became more than a contest of wills
16:59All you can eat isn't just a pricing plan
17:02It's a philosophy
17:04A way of life
17:05A commitment
17:06And we must honor our commitments
17:08Remember, Dillbert
17:09At the all-you-can-eat buffet
17:11The only obstacle
17:12Is yourself
17:13Or an obstructed colon
17:16Does that mean you won't leave?
17:18Only when I'm finished
17:19It's my moral duty
17:21To fill my plate up
17:22Again
17:22And again
17:23And again
17:24If you don't fill yourself up, Dillbert
17:26Then you're empty
17:27You see what I mean, son?
17:29I think so
17:30Son
17:31You will never find what you seek
17:34Until you stop looking
17:36For instance
17:36For years
17:37They stopped serving jello mold
17:39Until I stopped seeking it
17:42Sure enough
17:42There it was
17:43In three new colors
17:45Lime
17:46Raspberry
17:47And mango
17:48You follow me, Dillbert?
17:49Yes, dad
17:50Good
17:50I must go to the buffet now, my son
17:53Because you're hungry?
17:55It's like I'm talking to the broccoli
17:58Goodbye, Dillbert
17:59Tell your mother
18:01They have pie
18:06But
18:07But
18:10Goodbye
18:11Dad
18:17Okay
18:18We can go
18:20Finally
18:21Where's the parking stub?
18:22We need to get it validated
18:24I gave it to you
18:25No, you didn't
18:26I gave it to you
18:27No way
18:28Maybe you gave it to Ashok
18:30Me?
18:30I never touched that ticket
18:32Well, now we're going to have to pay the maximum charge
18:35We?
18:37It's your car, buddy
18:38Can't we split it?
18:39Sure, you too can
18:41I will take public transportation
18:42I dare you
18:44This is amazing
18:45Who buys this kind of crap?
18:49That's it
18:50Stupid lying hat
19:05Let's see
19:06The husband is the killer
19:12Um, oh, the president and the waitress are the same person
19:16Oh, this is a good one
19:24It turns out
19:25The human scientist
19:26Is actually working for the aliens
19:28You'd never have guessed it
19:32Wait
19:33Did you know that popcorn is mostly air?
19:36And it's marked up over 5,000%
19:38You're paying for overpriced air
19:42Wake up, people
19:45There he is
19:46Chase him down
19:47Oh
19:53Come on
19:54One more
19:55Oh, all right
20:12I bet this is how Cirque du Soleil got started
20:14Mm-hmm
20:19Thank you, Dogbert
20:20This is very nice
20:22There's only one like it
20:23You always get me the nicest things, Dogbert
20:27And Ratbert got me some unidentified thing with saliva on it
20:33There's lots more where that came from
20:34I'm sure there is, dear
20:36Thank you
20:37And last
20:38But not least
20:39Whatever
20:41Dilbert got me a gift certificate
20:44Oh, and look
20:46It's got a little expiration date right there in the corner
20:50You hate it, don't you?
20:52Oh, I love it, dear
20:53You've traded your money for something that's just like money
20:57But much more restricted
20:58I kind of ran out of time
21:01At the mall?
21:02You went to the mall?
21:04For me?
21:06Well
21:07Yeah
21:08You're terrified of the mall?
21:11Yeah
21:14Oh, and there's this
21:15Oh, my
21:17Why?
21:26Well
21:27At least he looks well-fed
21:29That he is
21:31Did he say anything, Dilbert?
21:33Did he say anything?
21:35He said
21:37There's pie
21:54You're terrified of the malls
21:55You're terrified of the malls
21:55You're terrified of the malls
21:55You're terrified of the malls
21:56You're terrified of the malls
21:56You're terrified of the malls
21:57You're terrified of the malls
21:59You're terrified of the malls
21:59You're terrified of the malls
22:01You're terrified of the malls
22:01You're terrified of the malls
22:04You're terrified of the malls
22:04You're terrified of the malls
22:05You're terrified of the malls
22:07You're terrified of the malls
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