- 2 days ago
Dilbert is arrested and sent to jail after the boss frames him for a fatal traffic accident that kills multiple nobel prize winners. Once inside, he applies his knowledge of mathematics and engineering to prison life and takes over his cell block.
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TVTranscript
00:11Welcome to English for Managements,
00:14tape one.
00:15Listen and repeat.
00:16Tape one.
00:17Listen and repeat.
00:19We will enable timely knowledge-based decision
00:21making based on real-time information
00:24by implementing an enterprise resource management system.
00:27We will entangle timid college-based precision markets
00:32based on full-time repudiation
00:34by instigating a something-something-whatever.
00:38Very good.
00:40Really?
00:40I thought I missed a word.
00:49They say they're slow, but they're not.
01:09I might have to keep you paying for it.
01:15They say they may not.
01:15They say they can't have their assets in a city,
01:16Theyético-QUE,
01:16they did not ascend by the wire they had atier clan
01:16with social First OB Maury.
01:17And thatхаетров would be able to search them
01:17a city use their favorite content to accept them,
01:17where they come into college and put a那么 soon.
01:18With time to compare them,
01:29Hey!
02:07I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for participating in our
02:11company's mandatory blood drive. You really are the lifeblood of this company.
02:28Alice, you are like the fresh dew on a morning flower. My heart yearns for you. Your soft skin,
02:36your triangle hair, your lips like two tiny sausages stacked upon each other. Death Row
02:42is a lonely place, my precious. The only things to occupy the empty hours are thoughts of you
02:49and the contraband I have hidden in my colon. My dying wish, Alice, is for your hand in marriage.
02:57That is so romantic.
02:59All my love, Vince. P.S. Please respond before next Friday at noon.
03:03What if I don't have any extra blood? Maybe I only have exactly enough.
03:08Everyone has extra blood.
03:10It doesn't matter anyway. You'll never get past the screening process.
03:14I will now read a list of disqualifying conditions. Please leave the auditorium if any of the following apply to
03:21you.
03:22Are you now, or have you ever been, Wally?
03:26Yes. First one out.
03:29Repeat. The disconnects between gross margin and leverage will be harnessed for commercial ventures.
03:36The discotecs between gross margarine and beverages will be harmless to your dentures.
03:43Very good.
03:46Now close your eyes and visualize each word as you say it.
03:58Imagine the word vision. Try to see it in your mind.
04:03Is it black?
04:05Have you gotten any tattoos in the last six months?
04:13Have you had intimate physical relations with anyone in the past ten years?
04:22Not really, but I'm trying to build a reputation.
04:26With your eyes still closed, imagine a picture that corresponds with the phrase, a commitment to synergy.
04:35I see it. It's like some sort of two-headed woodchuck. Or is it a beaver?
04:46Can you get a clean shot at his tires?
04:48I think I can hit the spare tire in the back.
04:52Wait. He stopped.
04:56Infinity bottles of beer on the wall, infinity bottles of beer.
05:01If one of those bottles should happen to fall, infinity bottles of beer on the wall.
05:06Come on, I can't take another four hours of this.
05:09Go, go, go.
05:11Will you just shut up?
05:12You have infinite beer on the wall, okay?
05:15It will never be fewer.
05:17Now put your hands out to your sides and wave them slowly.
05:24Can you imagine if something were to happen to this bus, Helmut?
05:27The sciences of physics, chemistry, mathematics and medicine, all wiped out in a stroke.
05:33And economics.
05:33Economics is not a science and never will be.
05:36He's waving us on, finally.
05:49All units, he's heading for a large business campus.
05:52Prepare to wintercept.
05:54Are you telling me you haven't done anything on this list?
05:57I've been very busy.
05:59All right, roll up your sleeve.
06:08Whoa.
06:09Isn't that the fifth bag?
06:11We got a quota.
06:12Can I have a cookie?
06:13No, I ate them all while you were bleeding.
06:24All right, sharpshooters.
06:25If you get a clear shot, take it.
06:36There's people in the way.
06:38Oh, shoot.
06:49I've got to get me a new swear word.
06:58The vehicle had no registration or plates, so we're hoping someone saw him.
07:02Why would a vehicle need registration and plates?
07:04I'm just a sketch artist.
07:06Oh, a specialist.
07:07Well, I didn't exactly see the guy, but from what I heard on the radio, I've got a pretty good
07:11idea of what he looks like.
07:13Can you describe him for me?
07:14I could, but I'm extremely busy.
07:17Wally!
07:18I can't work too hard.
07:20I almost gave blood today.
07:21I want you to describe to these officers the man I heard about on the radio this morning.
07:26What?
07:26Be as specific as you can.
07:28Don't leave out anything.
07:30All right, I'll tell him everything you know.
07:40Hmm.
07:41Hmm.
07:42Ah!
07:44These remind me of water balloons, except filled with blood.
07:49Put that down.
07:51It looks like you have some extras.
07:55All right.
07:56One bag, but let me show you how to do it.
08:00This psycho must have left a blood trail.
08:03I want you to comb every inch of this area for the killer's DNA.
08:06Maybe we'll get lucky.
08:07And don't let this crime scene get contaminated.
08:19Good one, huh?
08:20Nice shooting yourself.
08:21Well, thank you.
08:28Driving without blood is surprisingly difficult.
08:34Woo!
08:35Woo!
08:42Sir, how many drinks have you had this evening?
08:45Nothing.
08:46I couldn't even get a cookie.
08:47Then a lady took all of my blood.
08:50Okay, buddy.
08:51Count backward from 100 using only prime numbers.
08:5397, 89, 83, 79, 73, 71.
08:57Okay, no one likes a wiseass.
08:59Get out of the car.
09:03Attention all units.
09:04Attention all units.
09:05Positive DNA match has been made on the Nobel Prize slot.
09:09The suspect is Caucasian.
09:10Wearing glasses, in laughably bad shape,
09:13and answers to the name Dilbert.
09:15Hey, that's me.
09:24So with the Nobel Prize killer safely behind bars,
09:27looking at a swift execution,
09:29once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is over,
09:32and everyone associated with the case long dead,
09:34strange men with incomprehensible theories
09:36that can't be proven
09:37can once again breathe a sigh of relief.
09:42Mr. and Mrs. Fennerman?
09:43Hi, I'm Alice.
09:45I'm engaged to your son, Vince.
09:47It is so nice to meet you, darling.
09:50Here, do you need a sign?
09:51That's okay.
09:52I have my own.
09:54I don't understand.
09:55Aren't you two getting married?
09:57Yes.
09:58We're going to spend the rest of our lives together.
10:01Mark my words,
10:03this marriage will never last.
10:06Hey, I love you.
10:08Woo!
10:14Wow.
10:16This cell is huge.
10:18Sorry about the internet connection.
10:20There's an internet connection?
10:21Your cable modem's in the shop.
10:23We're running you through the T1 until it gets back.
10:25What's this?
10:26Fan mail.
10:27Probably a few marriage proposals.
10:29For me?
10:31Marriage proposals?
10:32You're in for murder, right?
10:33That's an aphrodisiac for the fairer sex.
10:36You know, I'm actually innocent.
10:38No, I wouldn't let that slip out.
10:57Excuse me.
10:58How did you decide that five cigarettes was worth one candy bar?
11:02Well, I was hungry.
11:04First of all, you should never barter on an empty stomach.
11:07Second, this is much too inefficient.
11:12So, everything used for barter could be valued at a constant rate relative to everything else.
11:17For instance, a shampoo bottle of homemade gin is equal to a clean toothbrush, which is also equivalent to an
11:25eight-ounce bar of chocolate or five cigarettes.
11:37One might wonder what happens when a scarcity in a perishable commodity, say chocolate, causes a relative glut of another
11:47more durable item, such as erotic literature.
11:52Anyone?
11:53Anyone?
11:54Yes?
11:55We carve a potato into the shape of a gun and cover it with shoe polish?
11:59You could do that.
12:01Or wait for the market to automatically adjust to take into account the commodity imbalance, thus moving the exchange rate
12:08to a new point of stability.
12:10You can do all that without a potato?
12:11Well, aye.
12:13Chocolate and gold and a cigarette!
12:15Chocolate and gold and a cigarette!
12:17Over here!
12:17Get your cigarettes!
12:19Get your cigarettes!
12:21Who's selling the gold and a cigarette?
12:22I'm taking that.
12:23I'm a champ for it.
12:24Cover it.
12:24How about 8-N-G-Y-4-3-2?
12:30Let me check.
12:31Boys, boys, you're sitting on a gold mine here.
12:35Do you realize the license plate business is a growth industry and a legal monopoly?
12:41By automating your order flow and assembly process, you'll increase productivity and reduce costs.
12:47The guy who had this job before didn't train me.
12:52Dead man walking!
12:55Down the aisle.
13:07We are gathered here today to join two souls in holy matrimony and to damn one of them to eternal
13:13hellfire.
13:14I understand that you two have written your own vows.
13:16Vince, who would have thought ten years ago that a grisly mass murderer would lead to such a blissful union?
13:23You are my heart.
13:25You are my soul.
13:27You make living worthwhile.
13:29I look forward to spending the next 45 seconds as your loving wife.
13:33Vince.
13:34How to do it!
13:35Oh, for the love of God!
13:37Please don't kill me!
13:42Uh, right.
13:45Okay.
13:46By the authority vested in me by the state correctional facility, I pronounce your man and wife.
13:51You may now insert the gag.
13:54You're making a big mistake!
13:57I didn't!
13:58I didn't!
13:59I didn't!
14:09It's the ending that bothers me.
14:11It would be better if this Dilbert fellow gets set free at the last minute instead of flaming like a
14:16marshmallow.
14:17How much better would it be?
14:19About three million dollars in movie rights.
14:21I'll talk to the Supreme Court.
14:26Oh, there are just no good convicts out there.
14:30That one's cute.
14:31Cute, yes, but he's got a damn good appeal pending.
14:34I read the brief.
14:35Oh, you can't tell anything from a picture anyway.
14:37In my high school yearbook, I didn't even look attractive.
14:43Maybe we should go visit Dilbert.
14:44Check the place out.
14:45That sounds like it involves leaving work.
14:48I'll drive.
14:50I couldn't help overhearing you while I was eavesdropping.
14:53Do you mind if I go with you to stare at the miserable miscreant?
14:56Uh, there's no room in my car.
14:58It's filled with oxygen and carbon dioxide.
15:01That's not good.
15:02I'll drive my own car.
15:04Can you give me directions?
15:06Yes.
15:06Yes, I can.
15:11Yes, I can.
15:16Yes, I can.
15:16Yes, I can.
15:16Who's that?
15:17He's an axe murderer.
15:19Ooh, the outdoor type.
15:20Let me talk to Wally.
15:22Put in a good word for me in C Block.
15:25Hey, Dilbert, looking good.
15:26All that hard manual labor's paying off.
15:29Actually, there is no hard labor.
15:30I have all day to think, to exercise, and to work on my own projects.
15:34I barely have to do anything if I don't want to.
15:37But it's lonely, right?
15:38Hardly.
15:39Wally, this week alone, I've received over a hundred marriage proposals.
15:43Boy, is my value system all screwed up.
15:47There it is, bars and all.
15:51The big house.
15:58Okay, next we'll hear from Tino in Shiv Manufacturing.
16:03I am pleased to report that since we instituted the battle recycling program, the number of
16:08pointy objects available to the prison population has tripled.
16:13Good work.
16:14Um, Bobby G., you're up.
16:16I just prepared this memo on the new production quotas.
16:19As you can see, all the inmates are participating in the prison 401k.
16:23Considering the average inmate's salary is 18 cents a day, at maturity, this amounts to
16:28a retirement package of approximately $34.
16:31Well, let's see if we can't supplement that with some of the souvenir sales.
16:35All right.
16:36Is there any new business?
16:38I think we should probably discuss the status of the escape plan and the progress of the
16:42tunnel.
16:43All right.
16:44Using two shifts around the clock and a teaspoon, we have dug approximately three feet.
16:51At this rate of excavation, we estimate the tunnel will be completed sometime in the year
16:552125.
16:56And when is the escape currently scheduled?
16:59Tuesday.
17:00Okay.
17:00I've done some calculations, along with a preliminary geological survey, and...
17:05Tony?
17:07Sure.
17:08The bearing wall is made of basalt.
17:10Basalt is among the most dense of igneous rocks.
17:13Now, if we drop down approximately 10 meters, the composition of the bordering wall becomes
17:19limestone, a very spoon-friendly material.
17:23Now, I've drawn up plans for an electric spoon, but it's going to cost four million candy bars.
17:28No problem.
17:30Did you know that I'm the only one in my bridge club with a son on death row?
17:36I'm sorry.
17:37I'm such a disappointment to you, Mom.
17:40Disappointment?
17:41Everyone asks about you.
17:43You're on the news.
17:44I used to get blank stares when I told people you were an engineer.
17:48But murderer?
17:49That gets people's respect.
17:51You could be a little disappointed.
17:54Let's see.
17:55Bank robbery, 10 to 15 years.
17:57Kidnapping?
17:58Ooh, 20 to life.
17:59Not too shabby.
18:01Froturism.
18:02The crime of rubbing up against people in crowded public places.
18:06When did they make that illegal?
18:10Dogbert.
18:11Always a pleasure.
18:12Why don't you come to the meetings anymore?
18:15I'm not actually a member of the Supreme Court.
18:18Really?
18:19Now I feel bad about letting you write all those decisions.
18:23I didn't mind.
18:24What brings you in today?
18:26I want you to overturn the conviction of a guilty murderer named Dilbert.
18:31If you don't mind, I'll just write up your decision and sign all your names to it.
18:34Okay, but make me sound indignant.
18:37And throw something in there about fairness.
18:40Do you want a copy?
18:41I don't see when I'd ever read it.
18:43Today, my friends, marks the dawning of a new era.
18:48Today, we prove that with vigor, discipline, and a little...
18:52I guess it works.
19:19What's your name?
19:22Good Lord, man.
19:24What's happened to you in there?
19:27Okay, time to go, Dilbert.
19:28But they're coming back.
19:30Aren't they?
19:31Probably.
19:32The recidivism rate is very high.
19:34Did they ever find the real killer?
19:36Funny thing.
19:37Right after I got you off, some lunatic confessed to the crime.
19:49You sure is good at not being able to hammer up them rocks at all.
19:55I wasn't really expecting this kind of an environment.
19:58Ooh, are those the conjugal visit trailers?
20:00We's a team, you and me.
20:02Got us a quota.
20:03If we ain't meet her but sundown, we ain't getting no dinner.
20:08So, you get a lot of marriage proposals since you've been here?
20:12You hear me up, boy?
20:13I ain't missing my shower day.
20:15A kind of your baby-butt hands can't swing a pick.
20:18Grab up that there pick and bring her down.
20:25No, that ain't gonna do her.
20:28Here, let me show you.
20:36Now you're getting it.
20:39I think my shoulders are dislocating.
20:46That's enough out of you.
20:51By the power vested in me by the state correctional facility,
20:55I now pronounce you man and wife.
20:56You may now insert the gag.
21:03Yellow.
21:06It's the governor.
21:07The real killer confessed.
21:08You've been pardoned.
21:13Now we can start a life together, Alice.
21:15It's like a miracle.
21:16You're innocent?
21:18I'm having serious second thoughts.
21:20The governor wants to speak to you.
21:22Tell him to hold for one minute.
21:29Oh, which one is the hold button?
21:31Hmm.
22:03We're right back.
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