Dilbert tries to buy a computer online but gets the wrong model, leading to an unpleasant surprise when he tries to return it to the company warehouse. Jerry Seinfeld and Eugene Levy guest-star as Comp-U-Comp and the plug guard, respectively; Jon Favreau guest-stars as Holden Callfielder.
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TVTranscript
00:10I'll feign interest and ask you what you're doing, but my subtext will be I don't really
00:15care.
00:15I'm trying to buy a computer over the internet.
00:18So you're on the computer trying to buy a computer from essentially another computer.
00:23And your point is?
00:24Who needs you?
00:25What are you talking about?
00:27Isn't it obvious?
00:28You're letting the computers take over.
00:30You're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy and finally disappear.
00:34Stop turning this into a science fiction story.
00:36I'm just trying to buy a computer.
00:38Ah, that's what they want you to think.
00:40What you're really doing is helping computers all around the world link up to form a colossal
00:45super being.
00:46Once it achieves consciousness, I'd say the human race has pretty much served its purpose.
00:51And I guess then the computers will try to get rid of us.
00:53Ah, don't worry.
00:54I have a plan to save humanity.
00:56That's very noble of you.
00:57When I say save, I mean as in I save stamps or I save old bottles.
01:03Mm huh.
01:05All right.
01:23Let's go.
01:37Hey!
02:13Oh, the 750A has a vector cooling system, but the 750B has dynamic memory caching and a modular backplane.
02:21Why must I be forced to choose?
02:23Can you live without those things?
02:26I don't see how that's possible. Maybe I can order a custom design model.
02:32One of these. One of those. Can't live without that.
02:37Oh, now that's a home computer system. The other engineers will be forced to bow before me.
02:43And it only costs what? $27,000.
02:49The other engineers won't even know you have it.
02:51They will if I have it delivered to the office. I'll give them some time to drool over it before
02:56I bring it home.
02:58Hmm. Travel miles? Vacation miles? Phone miles? Here it is. Medical miles.
03:05I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia operation. Not necessarily when I need it, but whenever they
03:10have the excess capacity. Still, it's a good deal.
03:13Do you ever worry about putting your credit card information on the Internet?
03:16That is the most ridiculous question I have ever heard. It is no riskier to use your credit card online
03:22than to use it in any store.
03:32Uh, make sure you sign the back. Thank you. Have a nice day.
03:37I hear you have excellent rates.
03:41It's got redundant RAID drives, 4 terabits each, 3 millisecond access time, built-in DSL, wireless game ports, flat panel
03:5030-inch monitor.
03:51Wow!
03:52Truly, you have ordered the finest home computer known to mankind.
03:56Well, I don't know if it's the finest ever.
03:59Can I touch it if I wash my hands first? Especially this one?
04:03I'll have to think about that.
04:05That's all I ask!
04:07Uh, what are you gonna name it?
04:08Don't be silly.
04:09Come on, what's its name?
04:12Bill.
04:17Excuse me.
04:18Don't worry, I do the same thing almost every time I get in the elevator.
04:23I don't know if it's the motion or what.
04:26I'm looking for someone named Dilbert.
04:28Sounds vaguely familiar.
04:30I have a package for him.
04:32I'll sign for it.
04:37Is the package complete and exactly what you ordered?
04:44Looks about right.
04:48Your name is Eunice?
04:49That's an alias I use when I go line dancing.
04:52I didn't know you needed an alias to line dance.
04:55You do when you kick as hard as I do.
04:57There's a big box by the elevators with your name on it.
05:00Why would an elevator have my name on it?
05:04Ugh.
05:09You may use my house key to tear open the box.
05:12It has very sharp teeth.
05:14No.
05:15We need the right tools for the job.
05:17I once killed a coyote with this key.
05:21It was very small.
05:25It might have been a potato.
05:27I have just the thing.
05:29The T-300 pocket knife.
05:31The T-300 is old technology, my friend.
05:34Gaze upon the T-400.
05:48That doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me.
05:52Don't be ridiculous.
05:53Of course it's...
05:54That's not what I ordered.
05:56It's old technology.
05:57To think I once respected you.
06:01Now the notion fills me with disgust.
06:05Oh, where have all the cowboys gone indeed?
06:08Don't write me off yet.
06:10This is clearly their mistake and they will rectify it.
06:13Mark my words.
06:16If you would like to start over, press 61.
06:19Any luck?
06:20I don't believe in luck.
06:22That's good because if you did, you wouldn't have any.
06:24You've been on hold for an hour.
06:26I'm not on hold.
06:27I'm waiting for the right menu choice.
06:29If you want to speak to a live recording, press 63.
06:34If you want to speak with a representative of Congress, press 64.
06:40Tease.
06:41No good choices yet?
06:42Number 46 was promising, but I don't speak Mandarin and I'm not inquiring about a tractor.
06:47Dang!
06:48I didn't hear that one.
06:49That might have been the one.
06:50It's never the one.
06:52You think it's the one, but it's just the one that gives you more choices that aren't the one.
06:56CompuComp can't hide from me forever.
06:58I'll find a live person to talk to.
07:01What if they don't have any live people?
07:03They have to have people.
07:05Not necessarily.
07:06They could automate the ordering and billing systems and outsource all of the manufacturing functions.
07:10Are you trying to tell me that the world has already been taken over by computers and we just don't
07:15know it?
07:15Let's examine the evidence.
07:17So far, you've ordered a computer, on a computer, from a computer, and now you're listening to a computer.
07:23Where are the humans?
07:25Show me the humans.
07:28I see no humans in this process.
07:30Well, that's just crazy.
07:32Wait.
07:32This might be it.
07:33If you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee of a fulfillment house that we pay to take your
07:39calls, press 74.
07:41Aha!
07:41People!
07:44Thank you for calling, uh, CompuComp, or perhaps Compacomp.
07:51I believe it's CompuComp.
07:52Yeah, then what are you calling me for if you know so much?
07:54Before I get to that, first of all, may I have your name?
07:58That way they know they're accountable.
08:00Uh, my name is, uh, Hold'em.
08:05Hold'em, uh, Caulfielder.
08:08Aha!
08:08Yes.
08:09Well then, Mr. Caulfielder.
08:10I'm sure you want to make your customers satisfied, don't you?
08:13Yeah, it's all I live for.
08:15That, my minimum wage, and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first.
08:19I'll take that as a yes.
08:21Anyway, I would like to return the computer you sent me and get the correct model.
08:28Well, according to our records, a Eunice says the computer was the right one.
08:33I don't know any Eunice.
08:34I used to line dance with a Eunice.
08:37Until the day she showed up wearing steel-toed boots.
08:41Right.
08:41Well, the point is, you owe me a new computer.
08:44I'm not authorized to approve that.
08:46Then I'd like to speak with your supervisor.
08:49All right.
08:50I'm getting a supervisor.
08:51I'm moving up the chain.
08:54Hello, this is the supervisor.
08:56My name is Colin...
08:58Colin Holdenphone.
08:59Can you approve sending me the computer I ordered?
09:02Oh, no.
09:02I can only do what my computer screen tells me to do.
09:05Well, can you talk to someone who can make a decision?
09:07Uh, there isn't anybody like that.
09:09No one exists who can override the information on the computer screen.
09:13I think I just said that only using different words.
09:15Look, I'm going to go down to your office.
09:18Uh, we don't have one.
09:19Warehouse?
09:20No.
09:21Headquarters?
09:21Uh-uh.
09:22Well, you must be somewhere.
09:23Where are you located?
09:26Uh, I'm not allowed to give out that information.
09:28Have a nice day.
09:43Well, Dilbert, I see you're in on this little scam too.
09:48What scam?
09:50This is the post office.
09:51If you know the secret password, they give you free merchandise.
09:56I have no idea what you're talking about.
09:58The secret password is Bob Johnson.
10:00If you say Bob Johnson, sometimes they'll go in the back and get a package for you.
10:05It also works with Jim Smith, but you have to get here early.
10:09Don't they ask you for ID?
10:11They know me here.
10:16They really know how to make me feel wanted.
10:21I'd like to mail this package.
10:23Next.
10:26Bob Johnson.
10:27No can do.
10:28No can do?
10:30You used regular adhesive tape.
10:32Can't you read the sign?
10:36No.
10:37That's unacceptable postal packaging.
10:39I'll have no part of it.
10:40Couldn't you just put some regulation tape on it?
10:43You've got a whole roll of it right there.
10:44Here you go.
10:45I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
10:47See you next week.
10:50I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person.
10:54Come on, you cowardly uber computer.
10:56Show yourself.
10:57Looks like somebody's not working.
10:59I'm working.
11:00I didn't say it was you.
11:02Nothing but post office mailboxes.
11:04It's as if CompuComp doesn't even exist.
11:06Uh, thank you for calling CompuComp.
11:10How may I help you?
11:12Are you telling me we're the CompuComp company?
11:15No, we're just the fulfillment center.
11:17I'm not allowed to tell you where CompuComp is.
11:20Greetings, boys.
11:21Would you mind pointing me in the direction of my office?
11:24It's him!
11:24Eunice!
11:25No!
11:26No, don't let him kick me again!
11:27I'll tell you where CompuComp is.
11:28I'll tell you everything!
11:35Shouldn't we be working?
11:38Ah!
11:41He's right, you know.
11:42It's a question of appropriateness.
11:44There it is.
12:05I don't see any people.
12:06There has to be someone here someplace.
12:17Hold!
12:18Who dares to gaze upon the magnificent CompuComp?
12:22Hi, I'm Dilbert, and these are...
12:24It's a rhetorical question.
12:25I don't care.
12:26Well, then who do I talk to about returning this computer?
12:29Silence!
12:30Their customer service needs something to be desired.
12:33Silence?
12:33Who do you think you are?
12:35Who am I?
12:37Where were you three seconds ago?
12:38Get the wax out of your ears, human.
12:40A problem, I might add, computers don't suffer from.
12:42I am CompuComp the Magnificent.
12:45I am created from the synthesis of worldwide computers networked together.
12:49So it's true.
12:50You bet your ass.
12:51Something else computers don't have.
12:53Okay, then you should be able to take back this computer and give me the right one.
12:57The cow does not order the farmer around.
13:00Good point there.
13:01That is not a good point.
13:02CompuComp is just a computer, not some superior form of life.
13:06I am your servant, oh mighty one!
13:10Silence!
13:11Leave here now.
13:12I'm not some clerk.
13:13Perhaps you weren't listening.
13:15I am CompuComp!
13:18I heard you, but I'm not leaving until you exchange this computer.
13:21And I'm not believing you're some kind of superior life form.
13:25Perhaps we could settle this with some sort of competition.
13:28Fine.
13:29We'll see if you're superior to humans by having a little competition.
13:32That was my idea!
13:34You're doing nothing but imitating me!
13:36Oh yeah?
13:37Maybe it's you who is imitating me!
13:39Very mature Dilbert.
13:41Good job representing our species.
13:43Best two out of three events.
13:44You pick them.
13:45If I win, you take this computer back and give me the one I ordered.
13:49If you win, I agree you're a superior form of life.
13:53What's this Penny Annie crap?
13:55You're playing CompuComp the Magnificent!
13:57If you win, I'll take the computer back and give you the one you ordered.
14:01But if I win, I download your brains and dispose of your bodies.
14:04I really want that computer I ordered.
14:08All right.
14:09Deal!
14:09Deal!
14:11Too late!
14:13It's a deal!
14:14All right.
14:14First I pick chess.
14:16Big surprise.
14:17And?
14:18Badminton.
14:19Badminton?
14:20Badminton's fun.
14:20You don't like badminton?
14:21No, no.
14:22I love it.
14:22And Scrabble!
14:30Dogbert.
14:31This better be important.
14:33My life depends on it.
14:37Dogbert, seriously!
14:39I love doing that.
14:40I need you to bring some things from the house.
14:42Chess board?
14:43Beverages.
14:44Badminton set?
14:45Beverages.
14:46Scrabble board?
14:47Beverages.
14:48My sneakers?
14:49Beverages.
14:50All right.
14:51Beverages.
14:56I have already calculated four billion potential outcomes.
14:59Guess how many of those has you winning?
15:01That's right.
15:02None.
15:03Hey, I didn't jabber when you were trying to make a move.
15:06Do you know how many ways the human body can spontaneously malfunction resulting in instant death?
15:11Seven million!
15:12Can't let it get to me.
15:13Does anyone feel itchy?
15:14Seems very itchy in here.
15:22Stupid mind games?
15:28Have you ever wondered what happens when humans die?
15:31I know the answer.
15:32All I'm saying is...
15:33Big surprise.
15:36Rook to Queen four.
15:38Checkmate.
15:38You have proven you are inferior.
15:41That's only one event.
15:42We're not done yet.
15:47Close the door.
15:48You're letting in a draft.
15:50Looks like a tough job you have here.
15:51Oh.
15:52I'll say.
15:53Talk about dull.
15:54You ever try making small talk with CompuComp?
15:57And arrogant.
15:58You'd think he wouldn't mind talking sports or TV once in a while.
16:01You know, but what with controlling the world and all, he just can't be bothered.
16:05I can't.
16:06I gotta fix the stock market.
16:07I can't.
16:08I gotta start a war.
16:09Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
16:10You know what it's like working for a computer.
16:12He don't eat.
16:13He don't sleep.
16:14He don't get sick.
16:15So you can imagine my benefits package.
16:17I'm the last human being in this company.
16:22I'll bet you're thirsty.
16:24Well, I wouldn't mind wetting my whistle.
16:38Go, human beings!
16:40Woo-hoo!
16:45Ah.
16:46Oh, that's good.
16:47What happens if the plug gets pulled?
16:50Oh, nothing much.
16:52If CompuComp loses power, the world will come to an end, that's all.
17:00Another?
17:01Uh, don't mind if I do.
17:08That's 20 to 19.
17:14Take that!
17:16And that!
17:17And that!
17:19Do you think Dilbert will realize if he hits it softly, it won't bounce all the way back?
17:23Maybe someone should yell that.
17:25Shut up!
17:26No coaching!
17:32Do over!
17:33Do over!
17:34Do over?
17:35You were on the line!
17:36No, I wasn't.
17:37Uh, I wasn't ready!
17:38Yes, you were!
17:39You're always ready!
17:40Uh, I hurt my leg!
17:42Ow!
17:42Ow!
17:43You don't have a leg!
17:44Stop being a crybaby!
17:46Tie score!
17:51Oh, that soda goes right through me!
17:55Have you ever been to Niagara Falls?
17:57It's beautiful this time of year.
17:59Ah!
18:00Mmm!
18:01Oh boy!
18:02We're all tied up.
18:04One event apiece.
18:05Scrabble shall determine the victor.
18:07Intern!
18:08Yes?
18:09Put all my letters in the middle of the board!
18:17That's not a word!
18:19It will be in a minute!
18:22Get up!
18:23Oh boy!
18:30Yeah!
18:35He sounds toag free!
18:36After the hurricane, the streets were covered with...
18:39with quazin.
18:40I hope I'm pronouncing that right.
18:43unleash.
18:43challenge? You're letting our entire species down, you moron. Do the insults help? It can't hurt.
18:53You stupid pats. But the best thing about the ocean is that on a clear night, you can see
19:00thousands of stars tinkling. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, my, my, my, my. Oh, wow. Hey, promise you won't
19:10let anyone pull that plug. If you do, the whole world will come to an end. I promise.
19:21Oh, gee, that's right. There's no bathroom in this darn building. Luckily, his legs were
19:28crossed when I made that promise. I am Compu Comp to make an upset. I am Compu Comp to make
19:37an upset.
19:37I am Compu Comp to make an upset. I am Compu Comp. I am Compu Comp. I am Compu Comp.
20:10That's the one I ordered.
20:14Hmm.
20:16Did you feel something?
20:17No.
20:18You should probably have that checked out by a doctor.
20:21I am CompuConf the Magnificent.
20:25I am CompuConf the...
20:27Well, I think I've proved my point.
20:30How about a game of Whiffle Balls?
20:32Ping-pong.
20:33How cocky?
20:34How about a shuffleboard?
20:35It can be very challenging.
20:40Yeehaw!
20:43Well, the hernia operation was a success.
20:45I'll be up and around in no time.
20:47But you didn't have a hernia.
20:49No, but it seems such a waste not to use the miles.
20:52In breaking news,
20:53the giant CompuConf company is in deep, whipped Quazin
20:56after a general power failure.
20:58A new CEO was named today,
21:00Bob Johnson, also known as Jim Smith,
21:03also known as Eunice.
21:04In an unexpected move,
21:06he vowed to loot the assets of the company
21:08and, as he put it, quote,
21:10skedaddle.
21:12It all worked out for the best.
21:14We didn't need any superior life forms.
21:16That's right.
21:17We like it the way things are right now.
21:20Each of us is exactly as superior as the next.
21:23No more, no less.
21:27Is anyone gonna eat that last napkin?
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