Dilbert's pregnancy turns into a media circus as the various "parents" of his baby sue for custody, with Steve Austin presiding over the hearing. Austin guest-stars as himself.
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TVTranscript
00:06Last time on Dilbert!
00:08So I've programmed this to find any trace of life, gather samples, and return directly to me when it's done.
00:15Not yet!
00:18The unfertilized eggs are ready for implanting in the surrogate hillbilly.
00:25It's artificial nanomachine DNA.
00:32When do you expect it to return?
00:34The only thing I know for sure is that it will return in the end.
00:38In a word, he's pregnant.
00:42Knocked up!
00:42You'll tell him when he wakes up, won't you?
00:44Maybe in the third trimester.
00:46Your new health maintenance organization will be somewhat less robust than the old one.
00:53How much less?
00:54They operate out of an Italian restaurant.
00:56I need to see a doctor, or at least a waiter, right away.
00:59Don't move.
01:00I will make a sound wave, and Juan will create a picture from the sonic signature.
01:08What's in there?
01:09Sweet mother of God!
01:13Don't you think you're overreacting a little?
01:16No.
01:18And now for our opening title sequence.
01:22Everyone sing along!
01:40Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit
01:45of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of
01:57Hey!
02:31Are you telling me this is what's inside me?
02:38The ultrasound never lies.
02:41That's not ultrasound!
02:43Your boss boy drew this sketch while you made booping sounds at my stomach!
02:47If you're not satisfied, I can take it off your bill.
02:50Let me speak with the manager.
02:52I'm sorry, but I don't believe my baby is a bowl of fruit.
02:56And a carefully draped tablecloth.
02:59I want a second opinion.
03:01How about a seascape with light coming through a wave?
03:06Very beautiful.
03:08I demand to see an actual doctor!
03:11Your health plan doesn't cover that, but I can offer you fresh ground pepper, warm to body temperature under my
03:17arm.
03:27Great! I have an unidentified baby in me, and my health care plan doesn't include health care!
03:33Maybe you should sell your story to the tabloids.
03:36I could never stoop so low.
03:38Here's a woman who gave birth to 25 babies, each one the size of a peanut. They gave her a
03:43million dollars.
03:43And a cigar box to use as a nursery.
03:46I don't need their money. I still have a job. I have savings.
03:49For now.
03:50So, I understand I'm gonna be an uncle. Unless it's a girl, then I'll be an aunt.
03:56Shouldn't you be swimming in the sewer or something?
03:59I'm taking a shortcut.
04:02So you're basically a pregnant woman.
04:05I hope you won't treat me any differently.
04:07Would you mind buying the cake for a Shook's birthday celebration?
04:09I don't mind. I suddenly enjoy shopping for pastries. But back to my point. I don't want to be treated
04:16any differently.
04:18Perish the thought. By the way, would you mind planning our next off-site staff meeting?
04:22I'll do it, but only because I want it done right.
04:24That's the same reason Alice always gives.
04:28Zucker!
04:29I think we should talk about maternity leave.
04:31I ever tell you about the woman who had 25 babies? Each one the size of a peanut. I fired
04:38her before she delivered.
04:39You can't fire someone for being pregnant. That's against the law.
04:43It was strictly for safety reasons. I was afraid she'd go into labor and start spraying those babies like a
04:48tommy gun.
04:49Someone could have lost an eye.
04:50That is discrimination.
04:52Don't get your oversized panties in a bunch, Dilberta.
04:56You got a good month before your performance goes all to hell and I fire you.
05:00If I lose my job, how will I afford this baby?
05:03You should have thought of that before you became a freak of nature.
05:07My work will not be affected by this pregnancy. No one here will even know about it. Unless you tell
05:12them.
05:12I'll try to hold it in.
05:20That's like holding in a sneeze. I'm gonna break a rib. Can I tell one person? Just one?
05:25Well, if it hurts that bad, I guess one person would be okay.
05:32What? Dilbert's having a baby!
05:35Did you see the new coffee mugs?
05:38The Skyrider spelled your name wrong, but everyone knew what they meant.
05:42If you give birth to a hideous alien creature, would you name it Wally?
05:45Why do you want a hideous creature named after you?
05:48Someday I want to turn on the news and hear Wally destroys a small town, National Guard, helpless.
05:54If it's a girl monster, name it Alice!
05:56It's not a monster. It's either an alien or a cow or a robot or a hillbilly or an engineer.
06:03Any one of those could destroy a town.
06:05Not the cow.
06:06If the cow was part alien, it could.
06:08Well, maybe if it shot fire out of its nostrils.
06:11Stop talking about my baby that way. Please, leave me alone.
06:14All right. I have to go plan the off-site meeting anyway.
06:18Um, actually, our pointy-haired boss asked me to do it this year.
06:23You're horning in on my turf?
06:25Can't fight. My money's on the pink one.
06:28We're not going to fight. We're going to collaborate and support each other like sisters in this bastion of testosterone.
06:36Yes, that's right. We are. Nice dress, Dilbert.
06:41I love what you're doing with your hair, Alice.
06:46Which?
06:47Tramp.
06:50Are you telling me the company has no maternity leave program?
06:54Well, we believe that maternity benefits encourage unwed fathers to get pregnant.
06:59That is ridiculous.
07:00Oh-ho-ho, is it? People die of old age so they can collect life insurance. Explain that.
07:06That's your argument? That doesn't even make sense.
07:14Hmm. Mm-hmm. I mean, I'm laughing at some, but, um, I'm selfish.
07:22No wonder you're loopy. That stuff will rot your brain.
07:28You know, Dilbert, as much as I love solving employee problems, I like making this noise even better.
07:35Ha-ha-ha. Wow, man. That is amazing.
07:39Mm-hmm.
07:41So you're saying I'll receive no maternity benefits?
07:45Mm-hmm. Excuse me while I run back and forth for no reason.
07:47Mm-hmm.
07:50Mm-hmm.
07:52Mm-hmm.
07:58Mm-hmm.
08:00Mm-hmm.
08:05Mm-hmm.
08:05I'll tell you what.
08:06If you can squeeze out the little mutant during your coffee break, I won't dock your bed.
08:10Ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:11Mm-hmm.
08:12Mm-hmm.
08:13Mm-hmm.
08:16Mm-hmm.
08:17Mm-hmm.
08:17Mm-hmm.
08:17Mm-hmm.
08:23I like my chances.
08:28So, what's your story?
08:30Listen up. I need someone to play an angry quadrosexual for a two o'clock taping.
08:36You, report to Studio Triple F.
08:43Okay, I need cousins who plan to marry.
08:49Studio C.
08:50And lastly, huge men who look like women and date tiny women who look like men but are used as
08:55handbags.
08:59That's all for today.
09:01Uh, excuse me.
09:02I'm having a baby.
09:04The hospital's one street over.
09:06No, I mean it would be a good topic for a show.
09:08People have babies all the time.
09:10What's your hook?
09:10I'm a man.
09:12That's not enough.
09:13That's not enough.
09:13What else you got?
09:14Uh, the baby might be an alien, or a robot, or a cow, or a hillbilly, or an engineer.
09:20Dime a dozen.
09:22Do your friends think you dress too sexy?
09:23Uh, no one has mentioned it.
09:25If your mother steals your boyfriend, call me.
09:30Can you help me publish a book about my pregnancy?
09:33I need the money.
09:35Are you willing to wear a hidden microphone and incriminate your friends?
09:38My only friend is Dogbert.
09:41Dogbert is your friend?
09:42Why didn't you say so?
09:44You know him?
09:45We worked together during the Watergate scandal when his code name was Deep Throat.
09:50Don't tell him I mentioned that.
09:51About my book?
09:53I'll help you.
09:54But first we need to stir the pot.
09:56Stir the pot?
09:58What you have is a little story.
10:00We need to whip it into a big story.
10:03How do we do that?
10:05Follow me.
10:16We'd like to see Mr. Big.
10:18He doesn't take visitors.
10:20We're friends of Dogbert.
10:21Go right in.
10:33How much news can you afford?
10:35We want a standard seed story.
10:37You get 10% at the back end.
10:39Sounds fair.
10:40What's a seed story?
10:42I apologize for him.
10:43He was raised in a hollow tree.
10:45A seed story is one that will grow into a media frenzy once it has been planted.
10:50Then the media frenzy replaces the original story and becomes the bigger story.
10:55That's how we manufacture the news.
10:57But my story is real.
10:59I'm a pregnant man who doesn't know who the genetic mother and father are.
11:03That's news.
11:04No.
11:05That's just a fascinating fact.
11:07It isn't news until we say it is.
11:09Shall we stir the pot?
11:13Now back to you.
11:15Insert name.
11:16In the studio.
11:19Claire.
11:22We have a pregnant man.
11:24Genetic parents unknown.
11:25I want total saturation.
11:27Let's do it upright.
11:32Tonight on Primeline, the case of the pregnant man.
11:36Who are the real genetic parents?
11:39Aliens?
11:40Hillbillies?
11:41Robots?
11:42Cows or engineers?
11:43Tonight we take you to meet this curious man in a story we call A Womb with a Stew.
11:50And you've heard about this guy?
11:52Well, he's sort of a guy.
11:53And he's reportedly a surrogate mother for an alien hillbilly robot engineer cow baby.
11:58What?
11:59Oh.
12:00Michael Jackson already has an order in for three of them.
12:04Part cow, part engineer.
12:06And do you think he'll spend a lot of nights surfing the internet and milking itself?
12:13Hey, there he is!
12:15Leave us alone!
12:16Leave us alone!
12:18How's that?
12:18Very convincing.
12:20Who is Dilbert?
12:21And how will neighbors take to an alien in their midst?
12:24Americans are asking what is Dilbert?
12:26What's going on?
12:27Just have a seat.
12:29And put this on.
12:30Dilbert can an alien baby love?
12:33But he's already asking the questions.
12:36This is how it's done.
12:37They'll get your side later.
12:39This brings up the obvious question.
12:41What are your feelings about the upcoming landmark custody battle over your unborn?
12:46Custody battle?
12:46There's no custody battle.
12:48There will be tomorrow.
12:50Join us tomorrow on Primeline when we begin gavel to gavel coverage of the fetus custody battle of the century.
12:56In a story we call, It's a Wombderful Strife.
13:01I'm already casting the miniseries in my head.
13:05I don't know if you can hear me in there.
13:07Studies have been inconclusive.
13:09Unfortunately, you're the only one I can talk to right now.
13:12Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't mind losing the custody battle.
13:18I'm not exactly qualified to be a parent.
13:20I'm more than happy to let you go to a better home with real parents.
13:23But if custody is awarded to the wrong people, and there are plenty of those, I'll protect you with everything
13:30I've got, little guy.
13:32If you agree, kick twice.
13:34If you disagree, kick just once.
13:48If you at home would like to vote on who you would prefer to be awarded custody of the mystery
13:52fetus, call 900-555-1234.
13:55Each call is $4. Proceeds will be donated to someone, but don't ask to see a receipt.
14:00I hope this doesn't become undignified.
14:02Please rise for the Honorable Judge Stone Cold Steve Austin!
14:38Since when did Stone Cold become a judge?
14:41Both sides waived their rights to an actual judge.
14:44We did?
14:45He's very big with the team demographic. We'll get pick up on all the networks.
14:48What about justice?
14:50It didn't do well with the focus groups.
15:00Austin 316 says order into court.
15:03Let's have opening arguments in the custody case of Dilbert versus aliens, robots, cows, hillbillies, a billionaire, and 17 engineers.
15:12Your Honor, my clients demand custody of the baby in Dilbert's womb.
15:16Or stomach. Or upper colon, wherever it is.
15:19They believe they can give it a more wholesome family life.
15:24They want to raise the child together?
15:27They make a very effective family unit.
15:30For one thing, you'll never want for milk.
15:32And you've got your alien technology for fighting diseases.
15:36You've got your billionaire's resources.
15:39Your robots for domestic chores.
15:42And your hillbillies for...
15:44For...
15:46Uh...
15:46If you've got a woodchuck's problem, we'll kill him and cook him.
15:50Exactly.
15:51And 17 engineers to explain things, no matter how much you insist you don't need to know.
15:56If I may elaborate on that...
15:58I...
16:01You make a strong case.
16:03So let's begin the character assassination.
16:06Is it true you annihilated the planet of Nebula 5, a world inhabited entirely by teddy bears?
16:14No.
16:15Sometimes, in a meeting, Dilbert will pick up a shook, our intern, and just shake the bejesus out of him.
16:22So you admit that you chew cud.
16:30All I'm saying is that when we collect money to buy someone a birthday card, it always comes back lighter
16:36after Dilbert has the envelope.
16:38Hey, I've heard enough. I prepared to award custody to the freaks.
16:42Wait! I haven't had a chance to speak on my own behalf.
16:45We have two more minutes, Stone Cold.
16:47You've got two minutes.
16:49I'll put plan B into motion.
16:52At first, I felt I was nothing more than luggage for the fetus inside me.
16:55But over time, I've developed feelings for this baby.
16:58I didn't understand them at first, but now I know they are feelings of motherly love.
17:09My only goal is to do what's best for this baby.
17:11Maybe that means I don't raise it myself.
17:14But I will never, ever, turn my baby over to them.
17:20They don't care about this baby.
17:22They each have their own selfish motives.
17:24Whatever you decide, Judge Stone Cold,
17:27please use your wisdom and compassion in making your decision.
17:35You want compassion? Take your ass to church.
17:38Custody is awarded to the freaks.
17:40And that's the bottom line.
17:43Cause Stone Cold said so.
17:45Don't give up.
17:51Mind back.
17:54Dying in the movie will help.
17:57Love, asshole?
17:58Dying in the movie will help.
18:01Never!
18:03Dying in my room.
18:12No!
18:14który jest mo quantitatively now.
18:15Oh, boy.
18:16Breathe.
18:23It's coming.
18:25I'm nine months early.
18:40Are we there yet?
18:42There it is.
18:52I think my water's going to break.
18:54Oh, there's a lot in there.
18:56We're ready.
18:59We're ready.
19:00Whoa!
19:08Whoa!
19:11Whoa!
19:12Whoa!
19:20Oh!
19:42Hurry!
19:49If this works, you'll be safe and loved!
20:12Wait. I'll give you a billion dollars for the baby.
20:18That's billion with a B?
20:22No!
20:32Oh, my. Where did you send it, Dilbert?
20:37Think of it as a student exchange program, Mom.
20:40Did it look like you?
20:42In a lot of ways, it did.
20:59Ever since we sent our only child away when we thought our planet was to be destroyed, we have been
21:06so lonely.
21:07Who knew our planet would survive the cataclysm? The weather reports are never accurate.
21:18Hmm. I wonder if that's the package from Dog Bird.
21:24Oh, my God.
21:25Oh, my God.
21:41Oh, my God.
21:44Oh, my God.
21:50Oh, my God.
21:59Oh, my God.
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