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TVTranscript
00:10We have a big problem here.
00:12Drop everything you're doing and solve it.
00:15I'm gonna be late for work.
00:16Oh, this is far more important than your career.
00:19You always say that.
00:20Well, this time it's true.
00:21The TV's not working.
00:22I've been sitting here for nearly a minute without entertainment.
00:25Change the battery in the remote.
00:27The one on the left.
00:28The one on the left?
00:30Well, that's just spooky.
00:32Not really.
00:32I have the knack.
00:34The knack?
00:35For technology.
00:37My mom says I always have.
00:39I'm worried about little Dilbert.
00:41He's not like other kids.
00:43What do you mean?
00:45Yesterday, I left him alone for a minute,
00:47and he disassembled the TV, our clock, and the stereo.
00:52That's perfectly normal.
00:53Kids take things apart.
00:55Oh!
00:56The part that worries me is he used the components to build a ham radio set.
01:02Oh, dear.
01:05Is that bad?
01:06Normally, I'd want to run an EEG on him, but the machine isn't working.
01:14It's worse than I feared.
01:16What is it?
01:18I'm afraid your son has the knack.
01:21The knack?
01:23The knack.
01:23It's a rare condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical and electrical,
01:29and utter social ineptitude.
01:32Can he lead a normal life?
01:34No.
01:35He'll be an engineer.
01:37Oh, no!
01:40There, there.
01:41Don't blame yourself.
01:42Will it go away over time?
01:45It might, but pray it doesn't.
01:47If an engineer loses the knack, the results can be devastating.
01:54And in further news, you might want to get a little...
01:56Thanks for filling in for our regular doctor on such short notice.
02:00I was in the neighborhood.
02:03I was in the neighborhood.
02:05I was in the neighborhood.
02:23Here, I bought a double-A yesterday because I sensed this coming.
02:26You're freaking me out.
02:28I don't know why.
02:29I told you I have the knack.
02:32The knack.
02:33The knack.
02:43Good.
03:18Hey!
04:00As you know, humanity has pretty much destroyed the ecological balance of the planet.
04:06It's not my fault! I recycle!
04:08No one's blaming you, Loud Howard.
04:11I blame him.
04:12Why do you blame me?
04:14When you recycle your newspapers, do you iron out the wrinkles first?
04:18No.
04:19Well, maybe you should, Planet Killer.
04:22All right, then. That's settled. The point is, the Earth is polluted beyond repair.
04:27That leaves us one viable business strategy.
04:30We're going to clean up the Earth?
04:31Oh, gee. No. I should say not clean up the Earth.
04:37No! We're going to start polluting outer space.
04:40I didn't become an engineer so I could pollute the solar system.
04:44Why did you become an engineer?
04:46Isn't it obvious? She picked the one profession where she'd be surrounded by sexy men all day.
04:57So, tell me more about this polluting of space idea.
05:01Oh, no, no, no. Shhh! We won't be calling it polluting. Negative connotation.
05:07We prefer the word advertising. I'm talking billboards in space.
05:13No one can read a billboard in space.
05:16They can if we make them really big.
05:18Do you have any idea how much that would cost?
05:21A thousand dollars?
05:22Maybe fifty billion dollars.
05:24Well, then we'll just have to amortize the costs.
05:28Amortize the costs? That doesn't even mean anything.
05:31We'll find a way to get it done. Failure isn't in my vocabulary.
05:35Neither is amortize, apparently.
05:37Here we go again.
05:42You're drinking out of my cup.
05:47You have drunk from the cup of management.
05:49Now you're infected!
05:51What are you talking about? That's ridiculous.
05:53Soon your technical skills will evaporate like the fine mist on a summer lawn.
05:58They warned us about this in school.
06:00There was management DNA in the backwash of that cup.
06:03Now it's in you.
06:05It's like a virus.
06:06People!
06:07I'd like to get the first space billboard launched in 30 days.
06:11Does anyone see a problem with that?
06:12No way in hell!
06:14I've never heard of this idea of hero!
06:16He knows nothing!
06:18A pointy-head idiot who stinks like old socks!
06:23Sounds like we have consensus!
06:32I don't know what's wrong with this pen.
06:34I'm going out on a limb here, but I'll say it's out of ink.
06:38That management DNA must have infected you.
06:41You've lost the knack.
06:42I have not lost the knack.
06:43I'll show you who's lost the knack.
06:45I'll design this thing myself.
06:47Out of my cubicle.
06:49I need privacy.
06:50This is my cubicle?
06:51Sense of direction.
06:53It's the first thing that goes when you lose the knack.
06:59Gilbert.
07:00Just the man I need.
07:02What's it mean when you get a system error number 53?
07:06Watch me solve this with intuition alone.
07:09Okay.
07:10Error 53.
07:11I haven't seen that one before, but I have a feeling it's your network interface card.
07:16What should I do?
07:17Press control and F9.
07:24Thanks.
07:27Hey Dilbert!
07:29Do you know how to subnet an IP address?
07:32It's been a while, but I think this will work.
07:45I haven't lost my engineering knack just because a few things go wrong.
07:49Even great athletes have dry spells.
07:52Like the great Olympian, Emil Gartenamo.
07:54World record holder in both the javelin and the hundred yard dash.
07:57Only person who ever died by throwing a spear into his own back.
08:00Did you just make that up?
08:02Clever, wasn't it?
08:03Can we talk about me instead of made up people?
08:06Sure.
08:07Pass the bread.
08:15Okay, tell me about your day.
08:17I've got to design a low Earth orbit advertising satellite as big as New Zealand and get it launched in
08:2430 days for under $1,000.
08:26That is so sad and pathetic. And then what?
08:29Well, that's kind of the whole story.
08:31They're not laughing at you. They're laughing with you.
08:35I didn't say anyone was laughing at me.
08:37You're only ugly on the outside.
08:39What are you talking about?
08:40They say swimming is the best exercise.
08:43Well, I've always agreed with that, but...
08:46Hey!
09:05A light sail.
09:07Well, you still need a huge ground-based laser to push it.
09:10We can borrow the one at the particle accelerator lab.
09:13We only need it for a few minutes.
09:15Are you done yet?
09:16Good Lord, man. You're working me to the bone.
09:19Has it been tough?
09:20Well, this coffee cup doesn't carry itself around.
09:23Get some rest, Wally. You two! Start pulling your weight!
09:29The components are all off the shelf. We can put this thing together in a week.
09:33It looks good on paper, but how do we know you haven't lost the knack?
09:38I haven't lost the knack.
09:44There's something wrong with it.
09:46Let me have a look.
09:49There. It should be fine.
09:52Thanks, Dilbert. Smart men are so sexy.
09:56Do you think we could go out sometime?
10:05Attention all workers. Has anybody seen my pen, the one that writes in four colors?
10:09It's not worth a lot of money or anything, but my mom gave it to me, and it has a
10:12lot of...
10:13This is a terrible program. What else is on?
10:15Hey, where's the clicker?
10:17Why aren't I sitting in my recliner?
10:19Oh, for crying out loud, for the last time, this is not a TV show.
10:23You're telling me.
10:24Look at this guy. He hasn't moved the whole time I've been watching.
10:27Although, it does build suspense.
10:30You know what? Leave this on.
10:32Oh, what the hell? I can't take it. Tell me the ending.
10:34Forty minutes after liftoff, the ship will achieve orbit.
10:37At that time, the tissue-thin balloon material will unfurl, creating an advertising banner over five miles wide.
10:45Ten seconds.
10:46Seven.
10:48Four, three, two, one.
10:59Oh, that's a blooper.
11:01All systems are green.
11:03The laser should kick in in fifteen seconds and put our baby on target.
11:06Are you sure you gave the right coordinates to the laser operator? You've been off your game lately.
11:11Anyway, me? Off my game? Ha!
11:32Uh-oh.
11:38Hmm.
11:42Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
11:46Huh? Hey! Hey!
11:49Oh!
11:58Ah!
12:02Ah!
12:06Huh? Huh?
12:07Ah!
12:26What should we do?
12:30Party?
12:50I'll sharpen your knives, you simple housewives
12:54I'll sharpen your knives
12:56I've got raisins, shriveled and brown
13:00Who wants raisins, the finest in town
13:04Bows and arrows, and kill some birds
13:07Then, you shove them in a pie
13:14Hi, Dilbert
13:15Do I know you?
13:16What do you mean? We're your neighbors
13:18I'm Arnie from across the street
13:19The insurance salesman? What happened to you?
13:22Well, ever since that satellite got knocked out
13:25That was yesterday
13:26Yeah, well, things fell apart pretty fast without power and communications
13:30Luckily, Denise over there
13:31She went to a renaissance festival last summer
13:34So she knew what to do
13:35So you want to be a blacksmith?
13:37We also need a guy to sweep little piles of dung into big piles of dung
13:41I'll get back to you
13:45We have to realign the satellites and restore power and communications
13:50Oh, forget it
13:51Stop being a stick in the mud
13:52Everybody's having a great time
13:55No more multitasking, no more fax modems, email, voicemail, video conferencing, teleconferencing, pointing, clicking, and all that other stuff I
14:03never did anyway
14:04Where's Alice?
14:06Just follow the sounds of tambourines and drunken laughter
14:17Alice?
14:19Hey, buddy, you're gonna have to wait your turn like the rest of us
14:22Quiet, knave
14:27What the hell is going on?
14:28We're celebrating the return to simpler times
14:31You mean the downfall of civilization?
14:34No, I mean the rebirth of the human heart
14:36With technology gone, we're free to enjoy our true nature
14:40To release the animal within and let it live wild and untamed
14:44So you're not going back to work?
14:46I am at work
14:47This is my job now
14:49You're, uh...
14:51Free spirit!
14:52A child of nature
14:53I live for the moment and follow my whims wherever they guide me
14:57How's the pay?
14:58I'm paid in joy
14:59And my hours are from yesterday until forever
15:02And if you don't like it, I'll kick the crap out of you
15:04Terrific
15:05Where's the boss?
15:07He's over there, fulfilling his role in the natural order of things
15:11A dialogue about maximizing quality productivity would bring about a consensus
15:16Within the time parameters of our earlier proactive assessment
15:26And to think, Dilbert
15:27We have you to thank for all of this!
15:30No, don't thank me
15:32This is awful
15:33Let's raise a glass of mead to Dilbert!
15:36To Dilbert!
15:41What's mead?
15:42What's wrong with you people?
15:44Don't you see what's happened?
15:46Yeah!
15:47Fine
15:48If I have to repair those satellites single-handedly, then that's what I'll do
15:52Who's with me?
15:54None of us!
15:59If only I hadn't drunk the boss's coffee, I would still have my knack for technology
16:05I'm afraid your son has the knack
16:08Can he lead a normal life?
16:10You're drinking out of my cow
16:13Now you're infected!
16:15You've lost the knack
16:16That management DNA must have infected you
16:19You're only ugly on the outside
16:24I've got it
16:25I know how to get my knack back
16:30Hello?
16:31Hello?
16:32Somebody answer me!
16:33There's gotta be someone out there!
16:35I'll pay any roaming charges
16:37I'll accept a collect international call!
16:40Hello!
16:44What did I tell you about trying to contact the outside world?
16:58To facilitate the implementation of our business system transition strategy
17:03We must maximize our talent base
17:06And thereby determine our propensities for consensus building!
17:16Here, drink this
17:17Oh, kind sir
17:19You offer me a tipple to slake mine thirst
17:22Alas, I have but recently imbibed a goblet of ale
17:26Just a sip, then
17:27A sip?
17:28A sip, you say
17:29To wet one's whistle
17:30Why, what harm could it do?
17:32But
17:32Verily, I am already quenched
17:34Drink it!
17:41Good sir
17:42Your generosity will not be circumvented
17:47I salute you
17:48I don't feel any different
17:55I hope you washed your cup
18:07Dirty rags for sale
18:09Who buys dirty rags?
18:11You'd be surprised
18:12I don't need any rags
18:14What I need is to find my knack
18:16Yes
18:17The knack
18:19It's like trying to find the one good rag in a huge pile of bad ones
18:25How's that the same?
18:26Sometimes, the harder you look
18:28The better it hides
18:32When you stop looking for the knack
18:34It will find you
18:45You look familiar
18:49You know, if you shorten the axle about eight inches
18:52You'll reduce the stress and you won't have this problem
18:56Exactly
18:59Looks like you found your rag
19:14I know you've grown accustomed to the new ways
19:18The authenticity and the relationship with nature
19:21But it's a lie
19:22We live in a cold mechanistic technocracy
19:26We have to make that work
19:28I know life is unfair
19:30You'll get no argument from me
19:32I know it's not fun
19:34And it's not novel
19:35But it's real
19:36To that end
19:37I've turned this silo into a rocket
19:40By loading it with 20 tons of match heads
19:43It's going to reorient the satellites
19:45And give us back our technology
19:50Thank God
19:51I am tired of sleeping in dung
19:54And wearing these unflattering clothes
19:57I miss TV
19:59Yes, me too
20:00I need my show
20:01I need it
20:25It didn't work
20:27Everything is still ruined
20:28But now it's worse
20:29Because for a few moments we had hope
20:32It's time for a human sacrifice
20:34Just let me get this
20:35Yeah
20:43Too bad
20:44I was beginning to enjoy the simple life
20:46Everyone likes the simple life
20:48Until it gets complicated
20:57Where's Dad tonight?
20:58He's still at the all-you-can-eat buffet place in the mall
21:01How long has he been there?
21:03Since 1979
21:05You gotta hand it to him
21:06He doesn't give up
21:07For him it's the principle
21:09He's not coming home until he's sure it's all he can eat
21:13It was a mistake for them to put bathrooms in that place
21:18You remind me so much of him
21:21What little I can remember
21:25How can they say it's the world's favorite snack?
21:28I'd like to see the evidence that supports that
21:31Maybe you should write to them and demand proof
21:34Now you've done it
21:36And how do they know this is 30% of my daily recommended fat?
21:41Isn't everyone a different size to begin with?
21:43Let's go in the living room
21:45He'll be a while
21:48Are they telling me a jockey needs the same amount of cookie protein
21:52As a professional weightlifter?
21:54They must think we're idiots or something
21:56Without a weight chart
21:58This is completely unhelpful
22:06How do they know this is?
22:07Come up
22:07You
22:07Boo
22:07Boo
22:07Boo
22:08Boo
22:09Boo
22:09Boo
22:09Boo
22:09Boo
22:10Boo
22:11Boo
22:12Boo
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