Dilbert's home is chosen as the location for an off-site meeting when a dendrophile sues his company because of their deforestation policies.
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TVTranscript
00:02Yes.
00:32Dear bird, so good to see you.
00:34You simply must disturb us more often.
00:38Actually, I'm trying to sleep,
00:39which is what normal people do at three in the morning.
00:42Normal people? Oh, how dreadful.
00:45Which brings me to my point.
00:47Your wind chimes are making so much noise, I can't go to sleep.
00:51Ah, we got those on a trip to the Congo.
00:53It was the Canary Islands, dear.
00:55Well, I didn't see any canaries, but they could have been hiding.
00:58They'll do that.
01:00It doesn't matter where you got them.
01:02Can you please keep the noise down?
01:04Well, it's not us, dear. It's the wind.
01:07You can't hold the wind, son.
01:09I learned that in the Aussie Outback.
01:11Look, I'm begging you.
01:13All day long, I have to listen to my pointy-haired boss,
01:16my yammering co-workers, the traffic, the phone ringing,
01:19and my computer beeping at me.
01:22But knowing I can return to the quiet of my home,
01:25that little bit of comfort allows me to cling to my sanity.
01:28It's my Fortress of Solitude.
01:31I thought only Superman had a Fortress of Solitude.
01:34Are you comparing yourself to Superman?
01:36Rather cheeky, I should think.
01:38Please, the wind chimes.
01:40Would you take them down?
01:41Yes, yes, we'll take care of it.
01:43We always comply with our neighbors,
01:45especially the ones who have superpowers.
02:25What is it now?
02:27Is the moonlight bouncing off our house
02:29and hurting you in some way?
02:31You're playing conga drums
02:32and singing at 3.15 in the morning.
02:35Oh, it seems the list of things you don't like
02:38is growing by the minute.
02:39Please, could you keep the noise down for three more hours?
02:42That's all I ask.
02:46Look, lovey.
02:47It's the item we purchased in Zimbabwe.
02:49I thought it would never come.
02:56That means he's got to go.
03:02Hey, hey!
03:03Get him away from my lawn.
03:06Stop it!
03:06Shoot!
03:07He's a nervous fellow.
03:09Yes.
03:10He should try to get more sleep.
03:12Oh, no!
03:15Sure.
03:27Oh, no!
03:27Oh, yeah!
03:30Oh, yeah!
03:31Oh, yeah!
03:33Oh, yeah!
03:48Shit!
04:21What does the Tree Lovers Society expect from its lawsuit?
04:24Big companies have been hurting our trees for too long.
04:28We want to show the world that trees have feelings too.
04:32Are you a nut?
04:33If so, what kind are you?
04:35I am not a nut.
04:37I am a man who loves trees.
04:40I love them in every way a man can love wood.
04:43Would you mind handcuffing yourself to a tree when my photographer gets here?
04:47That's original.
04:49There is nothing wrong with the classics.
04:51What have you got?
04:52I interviewed an owl.
04:54People, a little more attention up here please.
04:58What matters is that the big corporations who hurt our trees must be stopped.
05:04Model in the trees!
05:06That's the man who's suing us.
05:09Elmer Oakley, the president of the Tree Lovers Society.
05:12Why is he mad at us?
05:14We don't harm any trees.
05:15Actually we do, thanks to Alice.
05:17It wasn't my fault.
05:19We'll be the judge of that.
05:21It all started with benchmarking.
05:23Benchmarking?
05:24Is that even a word?
05:25Benchmarking is when you study world class companies to learn the processes that make them successful.
05:30Then you try to duplicate those processes using less intelligent employees.
05:34So you try to blatantly copy another company's success knowing fully that you can't do it as well?
05:40He's a tech, isn't he?
05:42In this case, I studied a company that makes paper.
05:44I found out they have great training programs, fully automated systems, and excellent management.
05:49And they completely raped the forest. Don't forget that. Just laid waste to it.
05:56So, naturally, we had to completely rape a forest too.
05:59Apparently, this damn Tree Lovers Society was somehow offended.
06:04Only another ten hours and I'll be home.
06:07Dilbert? Dilbert!
06:08Yes?
06:09That's better. For a moment it looked like you weren't suffering.
06:12What shall we do about the Tree Lovers Society?
06:15Why don't we have a meeting?
06:17I think this is a meeting.
06:19Loud Howard is on to something.
06:21I'm not on anything. I'm always like this.
06:24I mean your idea to have an off-site meeting and invite the Tree Lovers Society to work out a
06:29compromise.
06:30He didn't say that.
06:31It was implied.
06:33Quiet, I'm trying to think.
06:37Oh, that won't work.
06:53Well, use Dilbert's house.
06:55Why my house?
06:57Because it's the nearest one to my house, without actually being my house.
07:02house we can trash your place until rush hour and I'll still be home in ten
07:06minutes your logic escapes me well you better go catch it I don't see why I
07:12should suffer I had nothing to do with this tree lover situation Dilbert do
07:16you realize that the letter I and the word I are one and the same yes good I
07:26think I've made my point now who's handling the refreshments Alice well
07:30why because I'm the only woman in the group I'd refute the logic of that let
07:35me try
07:42apparently I'll be in charge of the refreshments Alice I want you to
07:46organize the icebreaker games I love chutes and ladders I think I'd prefer
07:51Russian roulette American games only
07:59you better do more than dust if your co-workers are coming over here for a
08:03meeting that's all this house needs my program of ongoing tidiness pays big
08:08dividends in these situations your co-workers are going to see you in your
08:14natural habitat so they'll form lasting opinions based on your possessions opinions
08:20that will influence your career for years to come what do I care what others
08:24might think I'm not like what you have no athletic trophies on display it says you're
08:30a loser if I had trophies on display wouldn't it say I was a braggart yes but
08:35if anyone asked you about the trophies you could say you were lucky then I would be a
08:39lying braggart and that's still better than being a loser I'll buy you some
08:44trophies at the trophy store no bowling trophies oh perish the thought and the
08:50magazines you'll have to replace them what's wrong with my reading material
08:55needlepoint is not the exclusive domain of women you know it happens to be both
08:59challenging and creative I'm not gonna comment I'll just look at you until you
09:04agree with me that won't work because I'm right and I know I'm right you might
09:10not think I'm right and no one else might think I'm right but I'm right okay you
09:16made your point I'll stop at the newsstand is that all you'll have to
09:21stage the refrigerator lose the cheesecake and get some broccoli it
09:24shows you have self-control but I oh all right now go get some fake food change the
09:32station on your stereo and TV to something educational and take the hair
09:36out of your soap in the shower that hair is clean at least give it a trim
09:45just a little off the top
09:54why do I have to live by the only people in the world who have a pet elephant
10:07your elephant is ruining my backyard well are you sure that's our elephant how many
10:12people on this street have an elephant if you don't have that information how
10:15could you be certain it's ours you're rather jumping to conclusions my good man
10:19just look out your back window and see if your elephant is there oh very well
10:32our elephant is in our backyard you must be mistaken he just ran back there when you
10:37put the phone down look at the path of destruction between your house in my
10:41backyard huh do you see a path of destruction I can't say that I do dear no
10:47nothing like that over here you are disturbing the sanctity of my home all I ask is to be
10:53left alone at home a man's home is his castle oh we're a king now are we very good I
11:01guess he grew
11:02weary of being the man of steel that's it I'm getting dog Bert oh he's getting dog Bert I'm so
11:14afraid
11:18dog Bert how may I be of service you can tell me where dog Bert is he left early this
11:26morning
11:26something about installing a puppet government he's always installing a puppet government when I need
11:36him we call it construction I know what it is I don't think you do why are you on my
11:49lawn we're
11:49building a pen for your neighbor's pet elephant I'm all for that but why are you on my lawn it's
11:54okay
11:55the Pierponts gave us permission they can't give you permission to wreck my lawn they only gave us
12:00permission to use your lawn the wrecking part was all us this is outrageous I want all this stuff off
12:06my lawn by two o'clock my co-workers are coming over here for an off-site meeting this will
12:12be very
12:12embarrassing more embarrassing than your needlepoint magazines how do you know about them you look like
12:18a man with eclectic tastes and I don't mean that in a good way that's it I'm an easygoing guy
12:25but I've
12:26been pushed to the breaking point and when I reach that point look out hey hey you might want to
12:41put
12:41some cones around this open trench
13:00deal better chap can't talk now we're off for a two week vacation we didn't want to be here when
13:04all the construction was going on it can be so disruptive could you tell the workers to get off
13:09my lawn please yes we'll call them from the car using our cell phone but if for some reason you
13:16don't call them from the car then there's nothing I can do about it very good chop chop
13:35Elmer Elmer Oakley president of the tree lovers society
13:44I didn't know how old she was she lied about her number of rings I say don't judge a man
13:50until you
13:50walk a mile in his shoes so let's change shoes I think I'll get the best of that exchange
13:59I've come from the big company you're suing to take you to an off-site meeting
14:06do you know what an off-site meeting is Elmer wait don't tell me is it like a meeting that's
14:14not on
14:14site oh you've got a lot on the ball son what do you say we go to that meeting you
14:20and me you and my
14:21shoes me and yours and see if we can't convince you to drop this cockeyed lawsuit huh although off
14:28the record if I was you I'd sue for ten times as much ah beautiful home if I can just
14:34get through
14:35the off-site meeting I will have my little sanctuary back dogbert where are you yeah I need a little
14:53help here he's not here he said something about looting national treasures when's he getting back
14:58I don't have the answer to that question so instead I offer you this dance my co-workers
15:05will be here any minute I have an elephant on my roof my lawn has been trashed and now I
15:10have a
15:10dancing rat I don't see how this could be worse you'll like Dilbert's house there's almost no wood in
15:20it I hope that's sap what's wrong with you why are you driving this this is the way I drive
15:30it is
15:31most annoying everyone has their own driving style this is mine you're doing this so we'll never ask
15:37you to drive again it's all perfectly here it is Dilbert's house it has more wood than I remember
16:03well well let's see what Dilbert reads at home
16:07what's this Dilbert doesn't have good taste let's see what station Dilbert was watching last
16:13and now another masterpiece involving British people with no emotional depth educational
16:19television Dilbert watches educational television I had no idea that Dilbert was such an accomplished
16:26sportsman he never speaks of it oh those I just got lucky
16:35it's broccoli nothing but broccoli broccoli something is very wrong here
16:43Wally check his soap I'm on it
16:47it's been trimmed possibly blow-dried
16:52I knew it this place has been staged staged we've been had uh were we gonna have a meeting
17:02right the meeting let's start with the refreshments Wally what did you bring I did a survey and found
17:08that everyone wanted hot dogs I'm a vegetarian it's too late to cast your vote hot dogs it is where
17:14are
17:14they well the survey was phase one I'm hoping to get to phase two some time in the next quarter
17:20oh I guess we can go directly to the icebreaker phase of the meeting everyone grab a paint gun
17:25we're playing street rules are your meetings always like this not always one time we had hot dog
17:34ow
17:43that paint washes off right
17:53there's your consensus you tree-loving freak
17:55nice going Dilbert
17:59this is the last time I let you talk me into having an off-site meeting at your house
18:05I'll sue your tree-killing company into sawdust
18:08but not before I win this icebreaker game
18:12hey this should work
18:14no not the elephant
18:27my house
18:28you destroyed my fortress of solitude as it turns out it wasn't much of a fortress
18:33I don't know about anyone else but that really worked up my appetite
18:41oh yeah that's right
18:43I have destroyed your hovel and I shall destroy your company in core
18:54dog bird
18:55dog bird has returned
18:56it just turned into a bad day to be you
19:00I'm not afraid of some little dog
19:05never mind
19:13explanation
19:14and then Elmer hit the elephant and the whole thing collapsed
19:19and you want me to fix everything
19:22I believe that is outside of even your powers Mr. Dog Bird
19:30I'm sorry
19:31it seems you have four problems here
19:33one
19:34dead elephant
19:36two
19:37Wally forgot the food
19:38three
19:39wood for brains here is suing your company
19:42and four
19:42the house has been destroyed
19:44he's good
19:45we can solve problems one and two by barbecuing the elephant over the lumber
19:49oh
19:49as for the woodophile here
19:53you do know you've slain an endangered species
19:56that's right he has and we all saw it
19:59uh never mind about the lawsuit
20:01forgive and forget that's my motto
20:04that's three problems out of four
20:06cell phone
20:10hello is this the construction firm that did the Pierpont job this morning
20:14this is Mr. Pierpont
20:15I want you to remove the wreckage next to my house and move my entire house into the lot
20:20throw away all the possessions inside and change the locks
20:23I lost a lot of computer equipment
20:25I get the insurance adjuster here in the morning
20:27it was time to upgrade anyway
20:29start tomorrow afternoon
20:31you have two weeks until I return from vacation
20:34I shall now start the paperwork to make you a god
20:41I call leg
20:48this might be some of your best work
20:50you're lucky these houses all look alike
20:53we found this in the record
20:54you want it
20:57yes
20:58thank you
20:59freak
21:01I wonder what the Pierponts will think when they get back
21:03I took care of that too
21:05uh ladies and gentlemen I've been asked to make a public service announcement
21:08be sure to unplug your curling iron before taking long vacations
21:14lovey did you unplug your curler
21:17I'm not sure
21:18because if you don't your house might disappear along with your pet elephant
21:23oh
21:24and uh, announcement number two
21:27does anyone know how to land this thing?
21:30All right.
21:59All right.
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