The Boss decides that the company needs to merge with another, and chooses a company of brain-sucking extraterrestrials.
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TVTranscript
00:01They are experts.
00:03In merger news, an alliance has been announced
00:05between the world's worst oil exploration company
00:08and the world's largest funeral company.
00:10We spoke to the CEO of Dry Hole Industries about the synergy.
00:15Well, as you know, the biggest expenses in the funeral business
00:18involve buying the land and digging the holes.
00:20Well, it occurred to me that our company owns land
00:23that already has holes in it.
00:25That's how I plan to bury you, unless you have an objection.
00:28As a matter of fact, I do have an objection.
00:30Not now. You have to object after you're dead.
00:33How can I object to anything after I'm dead?
00:35I recommend that you come back as a ghost
00:37and haunt the house for eternity.
00:39That'll be your signal that you're unhappy about the situation.
00:42If I haunted this house, you'd turn it into a tourist attraction
00:45and sell tickets.
00:46I'd be doing all the haunting and you'd be making money.
00:49Oh, like it's so hard to haunt.
00:51The investment banking firm who arranged the merger
00:53received a fee of $1 billion for making a few phone calls
00:57and attending some meetings.
00:59Did you say the investment banking firm that arranged the merger
01:02received a fee of $1 billion?
01:04She can't hear you.
01:06Yes, that's exactly what I said.
01:08Wait a minute.
01:09Are you saying you can hear what I say through the TV?
01:12In other news, Tom Kenny, leader of the 60s psychedelic band
01:16Ubiquitous Banana, was found today exactly where he said he would be.
01:20I think I just found my new career.
01:59Hey!
02:03Hey!
02:04Hey!
02:08Hey, we've got some money over the past.
02:13Boom!
02:14Oh, no.
02:17Hey, let me abide!
02:34To be continued...
02:50How about giving raises to the people who work so hard to create all that cash?
02:54That would unfairly discriminate against those of us who didn't work hard.
02:58If we start rewarding lazy people like you, the whole system will break down.
03:02Oh, that same argument was used years ago to deny women the right to vote.
03:06Are you comparing your laziness to the woman's suffrage movement?
03:10There are many similarities.
03:12Name one!
03:13Women weren't allowed to vote, and I'm too lazy to vote.
03:16In both cases, there's taxation without representation.
03:20That is the dumbest argument I've ever heard in my life.
03:23Bigot.
03:24People, does anyone have any idea how to invest the 20 billion?
03:29I do!
03:31How about a product that keeps your feelings from vibrating out when you talk?
03:36Maybe I should hire a consultant to come up with an idea.
03:40Consultants don't come up with ideas.
03:42They take the ideas you already have and make them more confusing.
03:46Then they give you a huge bill.
03:47A huge bill would solve our excess money problem.
03:50Excess money isn't a problem.
03:51That money is causing us to be in this meeting.
03:54What do you call that?
03:56Uh-oh.
03:57Wally's starting to make sense.
03:58We need to get rid of that money fast.
04:01Why don't we merge with a company that is less dysfunctional than we are?
04:04They could spend our money for us.
04:06A merger.
04:08Hmm.
04:08That might get us some synergy.
04:11Ah!
04:14I didn't realize that Alice suffers from cobiotophobia.
04:17I know what that is.
04:20No, I don't.
04:21It is the fear of synergy.
04:23Well, she better get over it.
04:24We ran it up the flagpole and the ship sailed.
04:26That's a mixed metaphor.
04:28Yeah, so what's so bad about that?
04:31Actually, I don't know.
04:33Ah, he who laughs last makes waste.
04:36Well, I'm not afraid of synergy.
04:38I just think a merger's a bad idea.
04:41Do you have a better idea?
04:42Of course.
04:43Plow the surplus funds into R&D.
04:46All right, then.
04:48The merger it is.
04:53My company needs help finding a merger partner.
04:57I hope that's the sort of thing investment bankers do,
05:00because I asked at the Mailboxes R Us place,
05:03and they just stared at me like I was some kind of an idiot.
05:07You came to the right place.
05:08My fee is 10% of the value of the acquired company.
05:11What's your company worth?
05:13Well, we've got $20 billion in cash,
05:15and no liabilities, unless you count the employees,
05:18who we call our most valuable assets.
05:22$20 billion in cash plus the employees.
05:25That comes out to about $15 billion net.
05:28So your fee would be 10% of $15 billion,
05:33which is...
05:35One second.
05:36The carry of the three, square root of pi...
05:39$14 billion.
05:40Exactly.
05:41Can we start right away?
05:42I'm anxious to get some synergy.
05:49I'm bailing out of this dump at the first sign of a merger.
05:52I won't go through synergy again.
05:53As usual, Alice, you are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime.
05:58I plan to implement Project Mosquito immediately.
06:01What is Project Mosquito?
06:03That is where Wally takes advantage of the management chaos
06:06and sucks the stockholders dry, much like a giant mosquito.
06:09That sounds exactly like Project Leech,
06:11the one you've been doing for the past five years.
06:14I can see how that would be confusing.
06:17The key to a successful merger is synergy.
06:22Let's first discuss what makes this company special.
06:25Then I'll help you find the perfect merger partner.
06:28We're poorly managed.
06:29Our boss ignores everything we say.
06:32Management is completely deaf to the needs of the employees.
06:35I've got a parking space right next to the door.
06:38It looks like a sidewalk, but it's not.
06:46Losers.
06:48Now let's think what kind of companies
06:50would make the best merger partner
06:51with a company full of losers.
06:53Perhaps a drug company
06:55who needs to test new products on human subjects.
06:57We would be ideal
06:58because the scientists would not become emotionally attached to us.
07:04Good.
07:05Anything else?
07:06We could merge with a company that runs women's prisons.
07:09I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my cubicle
07:11if they'll do my laundry.
07:13Prison bimbos?
07:14We could merge with a company that makes chickens.
07:17We sit around all day anyway.
07:20Might as well be sitting on eggs.
07:22How about an alternative fuel company?
07:24People produce a certain amount of methane gas every day,
07:28just like every other mammal.
07:29We could be fueling cars with that resource.
07:32How exactly would we be collecting this methane gas all day long?
07:36I grant you the hose would be uncomfortable at first,
07:38but we'd get used to it.
07:40This might be harder than I thought.
07:46Well, if it isn't Mordak,
07:48the preventer of information services,
07:50and his little buddy Walter, the budget man.
07:53Molly?
07:53You seem unusually upbeat.
07:56Maybe you haven't heard of the upcoming merger.
07:59Merger?
07:59But that would mean...
08:01Yes, it's gloating time for engineers.
08:04And when the synergy gets you,
08:07I will laugh the laugh of the, uh...
08:09The, uh...
08:10Well, whatever it is that laughs a lot at others' misery
08:13without a tinge of guilt.
08:15Oh.
08:15Maybe your hard ride needs a little cheese pizza upgrade.
08:18I don't need my computer anymore.
08:20I'm goofing off until the merger,
08:22then after the synergy gets you,
08:25I'll take both of your computers for my own.
08:27I will cut your budget so fast your head will spin.
08:32You're powerless.
08:34No one will listen to your budget recommendations now.
08:36Managers are all paralyzed by the merger rumors.
08:41Synergy!
08:43This might be the best year of my life.
08:47It's time to take a page from Female Dating Techniques,
08:50also known as the old bait-and-switch.
08:52Where are we going?
08:54There's a little bar I know where CEOs hang out.
08:56It's a real meat market for mergers.
08:58I like meat.
09:00Did you know that cows are made almost entirely of meat?
09:04Oh, yeah.
09:04And you can make pudding from the hooves.
09:07Tonight, it's best if you don't do much talking.
09:09CEOs like to do business with people who aren't quite so...
09:13Strong-willed?
09:14Yeah, that's it.
09:15Tell me again what I'm supposed to do.
09:17You're supposed to act like you work for a competent company
09:20long enough to get a CEO excited about merging with you.
09:23What's Dilbert going to do?
09:25I'm wondering that myself.
09:27Dilbert will appear to be interested in merging with you.
09:29You'll seem more attractive to the other CEOs
09:31if they think someone else wants you.
09:33I suddenly feel mildly nauseated.
09:36Is it my cologne?
09:59I haven't seen you here before.
10:01Take me, dear God.
10:04Merge with me now.
10:05Uh, I just remembered.
10:07I have to merge with someone else tonight.
10:10I have to go now.
10:12Nice going.
10:14Thanks.
10:14Was I charming, you know?
10:16You sounded needy.
10:18Try revealing a little less.
10:20Remember bait, then switch.
10:22I panicked.
10:23I felt my financial clock ticking.
10:26Hey there.
10:27What's your ticker symbol?
10:29It's...
10:30Ow!
10:31Bait, then switch.
10:33Right.
10:35I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is.
10:39Can't we just be strategic partners?
10:42Well, aren't you the mysterious one?
10:45I'll bet you're an internet company, aren't you?
10:48Maybe.
10:49Maybe not.
10:50You little corporate tease.
10:54I want to merge with you.
10:55Right here.
10:56Right now.
10:57I never swap stock on the first meeting.
11:00Um, how about your friend?
11:01Huh?
11:02He looks like he might be into a little M&A.
11:06I don't know what that means,
11:07but I wouldn't merge with you
11:08if I'd never merged before
11:10and you were the last company on Earth.
11:12Who needs to merge with you?
11:13I can crank up my own stock price by repurchasing shares.
11:16I've done it before and I can do it again.
11:23What'd I do wrong that time?
11:25Yeah, sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs
11:27before you find your prince.
11:29Oh, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
11:36Have you ever noticed that when you kiss the frogs,
11:38their tongues taste like flies?
11:43Last call.
11:45Is this when I get desperate?
11:47You've got two more chances.
11:56No, don't bother.
11:57He merges with everyone.
11:58His price is cheap.
12:24I'd like you to meet our merger partner,
12:27the CEO of Brainsuck Industries.
12:30His name is...
12:34Did I get that right?
12:36Perfect.
12:37You might have heard of Brainsuck Industries
12:39in the trade press.
12:41They're a company that mysteriously
12:43only came into existence yesterday,
12:46but they're taking the industry by storm.
12:48Aren't they the ones who merge with companies
12:51and then ingest the brains of the acquired company
12:53via their long snoots?
12:54I.E.
12:56Synergy.
12:57Where is everyone today?
12:58What have you done with everyone?
13:00Tilbert, my man.
13:02Chill.
13:03Alice is in a company's stress reduction program.
13:05Wally has been back into human resources.
13:08Oh, yeah?
13:09What about Loud Howard?
13:10He's being stored in a soundproof container
13:12in the closet until after the merger.
13:14We don't want to spook anyone.
13:16I hope he has air holes.
13:18Well, now, that wouldn't be very soundproof, would it?
13:22Ah!
13:29He needs mouth-to-mouth.
13:37Well, then, where is everyone else?
13:39Calm down.
13:40They were given the day off.
13:44You'll be given the day off,
13:45but the day will never end.
13:48It will go on forever.
13:53Hmm?
13:54Sorry, I missed that.
13:57I find myself in need of a new troll
14:00to guard my door.
14:01Why don't you hire another one?
14:03Well, I would,
14:04but they all know about our pending merger.
14:06No one wants to work in an administrative job.
14:09Those are the first ones cut during the, uh, synergy phase.
14:13That's why I'm glad I'm an engineer.
14:15Yes, yes, you were an engineer.
14:18What?
14:19I'm changing your job title
14:20to door-watching troll,
14:22effective immediately.
14:23But then the synergy will get me.
14:26Well, not just you.
14:28I'll offer to fire all my staff
14:29so I can keep my own job.
14:31That sort of loyalty is always rewarded.
14:45Who wishes to see Mr. Catburn,
14:47the evil director of human resources?
14:50Well, well, well.
14:51The stories are true.
14:53I might be wrong,
14:54but I think the job of door-troll
14:56is administrative.
14:58This is a highly skilled position.
15:00Troll, get the rig.
15:16I just have to imagine
15:18I'm looking for gold with a metal detector.
15:23The funny thing is,
15:25I don't even like my co-workers that much.
15:27So why do I miss them when they're gone?
15:29I miss you when you're gone.
15:31But you like me.
15:32I don't know where you got that idea.
15:35You don't like me?
15:36I have very high standards.
15:38That's why I like you.
15:40I like you too, Dogbert.
15:42You have to like me.
15:43You're my mother.
15:43I don't believe I signed any contract to that effect,
15:47unless they slipped me something
15:48when I was giving birth.
15:50That'll never stand up in court.
15:51We tolerate you largely
15:53for the entertainment value.
15:55Do you remember the time
15:56I ironed Poison Ivy into his underpants
15:59before his high school graduation?
16:07Okay, so you don't like me,
16:10but you do love me, right?
16:11Yes, I do love you
16:13because you're family.
16:15That's the same reason
16:16you miss your co-workers.
16:17My co-workers are not family.
16:20Oh, really?
16:21Think about it.
16:22Your boss is like the father
16:23who left when you were little.
16:25Alice and Wally are like
16:26the brother and sister you never had.
16:29Loud Howard is like the annoying uncle
16:30who always embarrasses you.
16:32And Ashok the intern
16:33is like your own son.
16:35That is the most appalling theory
16:37I have ever heard.
16:39I'm going home.
16:45Uh, hello?
16:46You could say that.
16:47Since when do garbage men
16:49make house calls?
16:50Since always.
16:51You just have to ask.
16:52I'd be afraid to leave
16:53my door unlocked all day.
16:55I have a master key.
16:56To every house?
16:57I use my house key.
16:59All the locks in this town
17:00are the same,
17:01but don't spread it around.
17:03I won't.
17:04Can I ask you a question?
17:06You mean,
17:07can I ask you two questions?
17:08Fine.
17:09Is it possible
17:10that my co-workers
17:11are like some sort of
17:12bizarre,
17:13dysfunctional family to me?
17:15It's not just possible.
17:17It's mandatory.
17:18Mandatory?
17:19The brain is wired that way.
17:20Your mind organizes
17:22the people around you
17:23into family roles.
17:24Like it or not,
17:25they are your family.
17:26This merger
17:27is breaking up my family.
17:29Unless you stop it.
17:31You replace the plastic bags?
17:34Not usually.
17:35Today is bag day.
17:41Who wishes to see
17:43Mr. Catbert,
17:44the evil director
17:45of human resources?
17:46Wally, it's me,
17:47Dilbert, your brother.
17:49I mean, your co-worker.
17:50I have no co-workers.
17:52I'm just a door-guarding troll.
17:54After the merger,
17:55I'll be an unemployed guy
17:57whose last job
17:58was a door-guarding troll.
18:00Hang in there, Wally.
18:01I'm going to stop this merger.
18:02How?
18:03The truth will set us free.
18:07These cubicles
18:08are our marketing department.
18:09If these people
18:10don't scare you
18:11into cancelling the merger,
18:12nothing will.
18:13Hey there, Dilman.
18:14Who's your friend?
18:15Oop.
18:20That is quite a handshake
18:21you got there, big guy.
18:23Well, I'll see you
18:24back at the ranch.
18:27What the hell
18:28did you do to him?
18:29We'll never
18:30complete this merger
18:31if you kill the CEO.
18:35This is what wrecked
18:36the Roswell merger.
18:37All I did was
18:37take him to marketing.
18:39He stuck his snout
18:40in some people's ears
18:40and now he's acting like this.
18:42Take him back
18:42to his office, quick.
18:43We don't want him dying
18:44over here
18:45and ruining our safety record.
19:07Meow.
19:10Meow.
19:12Meow.
19:26Let's get the staff meeting going.
19:29First, an update.
19:31Dilbert killed the CEO of the only company willing to acquire us, so the merger is off.
19:36I'm the one who told you that.
19:38Settle down. We're trying to have a meeting here.
19:40I'm the only person here who isn't engulfed in someone else's mouth or unconscious,
19:45and you're giving me updates that I gave you ten minutes ago?
19:48No side conversations during the meeting, please.
19:53Item two. Wally is being transferred back to engineering.
19:57Wally, you're back. Give me five.
20:01Sorry.
20:03Item three. Alice has decided to stay in her job.
20:07Look what happens when I don't show up for one day.
20:16I feel like we're one big dysfunctional family again.
20:20Would anyone like to hug?
20:26Oh, you mean each other.
20:29No, thank you.
20:30Does anyone have any new business to discuss?
20:32I do.
20:33You know, I was thinking about it,
20:35and although the merger idea didn't work out,
20:38it's not a bad idea in concept.
20:41Maybe we should give it one more try and...
20:47I'm sorry the merger got called off.
20:49I guess you lost your $14 billion investment banking fee.
20:53You guessed wrong.
20:54I rushed the paperwork through
20:56as soon as I heard you were with their CEO on tour.
20:58What are you going to do with $14 billion?
21:01I'm investing it in a foreign concern.
21:19Greetings, citizens of Orgaplan VI.
21:22We bring you...
21:24Synergy.
21:26Synergy.
21:35Synergy.
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