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00:02Next on Channel 7, America's favorite media-generated disaster.
00:08I can't believe you watch this stuff.
00:11Tonight, we'll show you how one camera crew provoked Madonna to break her foot.
00:16Ow!
00:17I think I broke my foot!
00:20Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people?
00:23That's crazy talk.
00:24I mean, don't you think people have enough problems without the media creating new ones?
00:28Sometimes the natural disasters aren't spread evenly across the week.
00:32You need filler.
00:33Filler?
00:34Speaking of which, how was your day?
00:35Talk about disasters.
00:37The Executive New Product Evaluation Subcommittee has recommended to the Executive New Product Committee
00:42to push up the deadline on the Gruntmaster 6000 project
00:45because of some scurrilous rumor that one of our competitors,
00:49allegedly not even in our field,
00:51although that can't be confirmed because we don't know what field we're in,
00:53is releasing a similarly-themed product that might possibly have some aspect in common with
00:59or overlap in some slight way the Gruntmaster 6000.
01:02Now the whole thing's got to be ready in three weeks.
01:13What makes you qualified to be a reporter?
01:16I'm willing to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain
01:19and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.
01:22Have you been using me as your main source of industry information?
01:25No, not the main source.
01:27I also make stuff up.
01:28For instance, I've started a rumor that your company is a front
01:31for an international organ harvesting cult.
01:34Organ harvesting cult?
01:35That's ridiculous.
01:36Oh, really?
01:40So, where exactly did you hear about us, folks?
01:46What do you know?
01:47Fine organ.
01:48BUNCH
01:49BUNCH
01:50BUNCH
01:50BUNCH
01:58BUNCH
03:23I have no recollection of that.
03:28The name is the most important part of the project.
03:32I cannot emphasize this strongly enough.
03:36And once we have a name, there's no going back.
03:40That's my final word.
03:42Alice, are you getting this all on tape?
03:46Wow.
03:48I have a beautiful speaking voice.
03:50Well, like we said, we think you're 90% there.
03:54These changes we're thinking of here are purely tweaks.
03:57Nothing that's gonna change the thrust of what you're trying to do with this in any, any way.
04:00I like the way you said any twice.
04:03It shows you care.
04:06You care.
04:07These changes are really up to you.
04:09They couldn't matter less.
04:11Feel free to ignore any two of them.
04:12As long as they're not two of mine.
04:21You hear what I'm saying?
04:23But seriously, Dild.
04:24We need to reach a demographic group that you may have overlooked.
04:29Consumers.
04:29Right.
04:30The people who are gonna buy this thing are gonna want it not just for whatever the heck it is.
04:34It's an exercise machine.
04:38For real?
04:39How can you possibly market something if you don't even know what it is?
04:43Whoa!
04:44Put the brakes on the Negativity Express.
04:46It's not only possible, it's possible.
04:49All you've gotta do is give it more attitude.
04:51Make it more retro, but not antique.
04:53You know, futuristic, but not techno.
04:56Sexier.
04:57But more gender neutral.
04:58You see what we're after here, right?
04:59I think we're all on the same page.
05:01What page is that?
05:02So, we're still on track for a spring rollout, right?
05:04We have to debut the Gruntmaster before the competition has a chance to get the jump on us.
05:08I don't see anything that could stand in our way.
05:11Sanity?
05:12Reality?
05:13The laws of physics?
05:15Looks like we're done here.
05:16Dilbertio, I think I speak for everybody here when I say we've got complete confidence that you can pull this
05:22off.
05:22But keep in mind, we're all huge liars!
05:24Ha ha ha ha!
05:27Ha ha ha!
05:28Ha ha ha!
05:29Ha ha ha!
05:30Ha ha ha!
05:30Ha ha ha!
05:32Ha ha ha!
05:36Oh my god.
05:38This can't be good.
05:39Look at that!
05:40It's got a capital letter in the middle, German spelling, and it's a...
05:45A thousand higher than ours!
05:48i've brought it to my attention that our biggest competitor nirvanico the greatest engineering
05:54firm of all time the executives actually listen to what you tell them and respond with neither
05:59sarcasm nor total incomprehension the rumor is they treat you like a human being and i would
06:06love to be treated like a human being just once here you go boy
06:14we've got a crisis on our hands if they debut their gruntmeister 7000 in three weeks they'll
06:20completely dominate the market don't they already dominate the market if you believe the bible of
06:25our industry anyway we're gonna move the production schedule ahead again what how can we possibly speed
06:32up the schedule anymore i've given that a lot of thought have you no but nevertheless i realize it
06:39would be impossible for you people to work any harder than you already are this is gonna be bad
06:43or any longer than you already are uh-oh so we're going to work tighter what tighter what the heck
06:52does that mean security strict tight security nirvanico seems to know our every move and then
06:58beat us to the punch if this phantom insider knows what's going on in nirvanico he's sure to be
07:05snooping around here now our security consultant mr dogbert has outlined a series of strict new
07:11protocols to ensure nothing leaks out to the media all right people listen up nursery school is over
07:18i don't know what you've been doing up until now but from now on things around here are going to
07:22be
07:22done by the book there's going to be full frontal and backhole strip searches all communication will be
07:29done in the form of codes which will be changed on a daily basis is there a banjo player in
07:35farmer
07:36johansson's silo a pigeon has no use for keys he opens doors with his song all company documents will
07:45be printed on edible paper for immediate memorization and consumption this is gonna be great what are you
07:52talking about it's gonna be like living under martial law in some kind of post-apocalyptic nightmare
07:57exactly do you know how desperate women get under martial law on some kind of post-apocalyptic
08:02nightmare i guess i haven't studied as extensively as you you got that right it was the topic of my
08:08graduate thesis
08:31empty your pockets please
08:36all right move along nothing to see here
08:43where do you think you're going to get the phone oh no i'm not falling for that one again
08:49okay fine i'm going
08:59flaming commando to central control i have an intruder situation in area 4g 119 or slash bxb yk 25 lm
09:05rainbow bravo nylon delta tango fox
09:10i'd add this one trying to escape what
09:14since one is leaving your cubicle to use the bathroom escaping since 2 30 this afternoon
09:18good work leonard why are we here what have we done wrong i'll tell you what you've done wrong
09:26someone in this room is a traitor what are you talking about i'll tell you what i'm talking about
09:34someone in this room leaked information to this magazine regarding our new security measures now
09:42before you go accusing each other let me accuse you alice you're out of your mind i was going to
09:49say
09:49let me say why it couldn't be alice you see i've been watching you non-stop on the security monitors
09:57but
09:57we all have those cameras in our cubes yes but i've only been watching hers oh that's a relief can
10:03i get back to
10:04filing my harassment suit soon now wally this current state of siege is the only chance you will
10:11ever ever have of scoring is that right oh yeah definitely no question there no other way so it would
10:18not be in your best interest to sabotage such a rare and favorable situation would it hey no it wouldn't
10:26that leaves dilbert and loud howard i think we'd all agree it's impossible for howard to do anything
10:33in secret why do you say things that you know will hurt me which i'm sorry to say leaves only
10:41one
10:41possible suspect one who had the means the motive and the opportunity well the uh it's the means
10:50anyway it's dilbert but profanity won't help you now son this is so hard for me to say
10:57actually it's not you're fired clean out your desk and leave but i yeah but no uh i can't believe
11:04this is happening you're making a terrible mistake i'm i'm a model employee but not a working model
11:10i wish i were the kind of person who didn't stand for this sort of treatment everybody down he's
11:17becoming disgruntled i can't believe it this cubicle has been my sanctuary now i'm just a
11:28refugee a cubicle-less nomad doomed to roam the earth in search of a new oasis in the harsh corporate
11:34wasteland well you know as long as you remember nothing is worth committing suicide over i wasn't
11:38planning on committing suicide are you sure yes think about it dilbert an eternity of peace
11:44no i have jack kevorkian's home number i said no yeah suit yourself dibs on his chair
11:56i don't wear boxers
12:02tonight at 11 could a giant squid really eat a major metropolitan area find out how to protect
12:08your family why is the news always the same as the mini series that was just on
12:13what are the odds of that there's some things you're not meant to know i have to get a job
12:18i've been moping around the house for 12 hours and 27 minutes i'm not bothering you am i being around
12:25all the time oh it's an adjustment in the same sense as for example being buried alive what i'd really
12:31like to get is a job at nirvana company i'll take care of it plan to report to work on
12:36monday you can
12:36get me a job at nirvana how that's another one of those things you're not meant to know
12:42maybe i don't want to know
12:54we were all very impressed with your resume dilded did i send a resume
12:59i believe your assistant mr dogbert was kind enough to forward it we usually insist on an
13:05interview before offering a job but how many double nobel prize winners does one see ah
13:15you may have heard we have a different way of doing things around here that you'll have to get
13:21used to but i think you'll enjoy the level of freedom we allow our employees thank you
13:34here's one of our recreation rooms as you can see at nirvana company employee happiness comes first
13:41just like in the space colonies of the future oh thank you i was wondering would it be at all
13:48possible for me to get on the gruntmeister 7 000 project
13:54dilvet if there were such a project believe me i'd not only put you on it but you'd be the
13:59head
13:59designer with a staff of assistance and a budget that would choke a wide-necked animal
14:04what do you mean if there were such a project you must be talking about that article in product
14:09industry news complete fiction i don't know how they get away with publishing that rubbish and i
14:15certainly can't imagine anyone taking it seriously now would you like to see your new offices
14:20offices offices i'll leave you to acclimate to your new surroundings if you need anything
14:27the robots are programmed to respond to your thoughts
14:34i have a door
14:51i sure do miss him have you talked to him since he left oh
14:59i'm gonna need a marrow sample poke away my good man take as much as you want drain me
15:05ow oh wally are you all right all right i hope this never ends
15:32masharona this is just impossible how am i going to get any work done if there's no tension
15:42i need a new pen
15:50i'd like the forms to requisition a pen please forms for a pen ultimately yes but we both know it's
15:56not
15:56gonna be that easy come on in pens are in aisle five take what you need
16:00notation tank time will now commence in the main atrium
16:18bye-bye
16:26no line
16:33what are you doing waiting for you to finish well i might be a while you could use one of
16:38the other
16:38machines
16:40they're working of course they are
16:53good to see you nice day isn't it working we've heard a lot about you i'll bet you're inventing
17:00something pretty special uh yeah i'm working on a uh a barbecue an underwater barbecue so when
17:09you're scuba diving wow you are good i just want to see if it can be done i'm sure the
17:15marketing
17:16department will try to kill it marketing department i'm not sure we've got one who decides what products
17:22to make who tells you your ideas are idiotic wastes of time that aren't commercial doesn't anyone step
17:27on your dreams are you feeling okay yes i'm fine i just didn't know how a company can exist without
17:34a
17:35marketing department hey what's wrong guys the new guy has an idea to start a marketing department
17:40what no no not at all i was just saying i'd never heard of a company without a
17:45hello dilbert i'm the vice president in charge of immediately implementing ideas that may adversely
17:51affect the company now this idea of yours for a marketing department sounds a bit risky
17:56but here at nirvana company we pride ourselves on our willingness to explore new directions
18:01until now it's worked out great i only hope this isn't the one time i'm calamitously wrong
18:07well good day
18:11uh-oh
18:13here's that marketing department you've been so enthusiastic about dilbert
18:17i wouldn't say i was enthusiastic their first recommendation is we gear up full speed
18:22ahead to market the underwater barbecue what
18:27now first of all congratulations we love this just a couple of thoughts one does it have to be
18:34underwater and two does it have to be a barbecue
18:40isn't that the whole point is it i think we need to lose the underwater part and the barbecue part
18:45but it goes 86 it but then how do you barbecue underwater
18:49sorry we couldn't hear you your comments were drowned out by a loud shriek from next door
18:54next we're afraid that when it comes out of the box it'll make a squeaking sound
18:58you mean from the styrofoam packing material it's a loser noise that sound tested extremely low
19:04are you trying this marketing thing anywhere else in the company or just here all over it's spreading like a
19:10virus
19:26nirvana company the world's greatest company filed for bankruptcy today inexplicable venture
19:32underwater cooking headquarters destroyed in blaze nirvana company stock fell 180 points to negative
19:4020 and an eighth the company holds a single engineer responsible
19:46well congratulations for what destroying a 90 year old company you're now well known in your industry
19:53fame is more important than competence are you saying i'm more employable as a famous screw-up than i was
19:59as a competent nobody that's how it works i don't see how there's some things you're not meant to know
20:07well uh dilbert
20:11i see that your qualifications are impeccable and even though i myself or someone very much like me
20:17fired you for divulging company secrets i see that you are now a well-known industry figure can i have
20:24my old cubicle back i guess so
20:29yes
20:29you have entered a no merriment zone discontinue your job satisfaction now
20:37home
20:40i'll introduce you around you'll like wally he's almost completely bald sure
20:46i was wondering seeing as the main competition has gone belly up are these security precautions still
20:53necessary you know you're right i could never remember the passwords anyway attention employees
20:59attention as of this moment all security procedures are suspended please return to your normal state of
21:08semi-comatose clock watching oh thank god finally no oh well back to work
21:47you
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