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00:02Look, I know we've only been seeing each other for, like, three weeks, but I really wanted you to meet
00:07my dad.
00:08It's okay. I'm great with parents.
00:09And he's just like any other parent, you know, except he has experience in gathering information and breaking enemy combatants.
00:16I thought he loved woodworking.
00:17Well, that's to sharpen his knife collection.
00:20Well, well. Hello.
00:23Good morning.
00:25But what exactly is happening?
00:27Oh, it's nothing weird. You know, this is just a standard background check.
00:31He does it for every guy I introduce him to.
00:33So it's a fun surprise for both of us.
00:35A background check.
00:36Michael Avery Grant, correct?
00:39Yes.
00:40Age 36, graduated with Honor's Speech Pathology.
00:43Teaching kids to learn to communicate is my true joy.
00:47Yeah, and I ran a check on your criminal record.
00:51And that came up spotless.
00:53Of course. I knew it.
00:54There was one detail that bothered me, which is that you're currently married?
00:59Married?
01:00I can explain.
01:02The divorce isn't final, but we're separated.
01:04Well, that's fine. You know, sometimes love doesn't last forever.
01:07Yes, but the part that bothered me is that your wife's grandmother and your grandmother, they share the same last
01:13name.
01:14Okay. Well, not a lot of people share the same last name. It's not a big deal.
01:18Uh, my ex-wife is my cousin.
01:22Ha!
01:23But only my first cousin.
01:25Whoa!
01:26Mike, that is the closest kind.
01:27No, why is it fine for kings to do it?
01:29It's not!
01:31That's why we loved Lady Di. She was the only one who didn't look sickly.
01:34Yeah, she's the only one with a chin.
01:36Wait, what?
01:36Mike, leave.
01:40I, I have the worst taste in men.
01:42You really do, honey. I mean, you line them up, it's just loser, loser, loser, loser, loser.
01:47Yeah, I get it.
01:48Yeah.
01:49But you know, love is forever, especially when you marry your cousin.
01:54We're gonna laugh about this later.
01:56You're laughing now.
01:56I know, it's just so funny.
02:19You know this is giving divorced dad, right?
02:23Taking your sad daughter to ice cream to make her feel better.
02:26What's next? Eating cold hot dogs over the sink?
02:29Meeting your lady friend at the dog track?
02:32Is the ice cream making you feel better?
02:34Yeah.
02:35Okay. Then it's doing its job.
02:37If the Red Sox can break the curse of the Bambino,
02:40you can definitely break the curse of dating bad men.
02:43Do you know why I'm cursed, dad?
02:45Why I pick bad men?
02:47No. Why?
02:48Well, I'll give you a hint.
02:50He's driving the van.
02:51How could it be my fault?
02:53You can't have daddy issues if your dad was never around.
02:57Do you hear yourself?
02:58Yes.
02:59There are way worse dads than me.
03:02Name one.
03:02Stalin, one.
03:03Bing Crosby, two.
03:05Number three, Marvin Gaye's dad shot him.
03:07So you look at those guys, all of a sudden...
03:09You're the fourth worst dad.
03:11That's not what I was gonna...
03:12Dad, this is serious.
03:14I'm...
03:16I'm starting to think that I'm gonna die alone.
03:19You're not gonna die alone.
03:20Really?
03:21Yeah, I'm gonna be there.
03:22The military's gonna download my brain
03:24into some kind of Terminator-style robot,
03:27and then, you know, I'll live via by, like,
03:29probably a thousand years.
03:31Hey, what the hell's this?
03:34What am I looking at?
03:36Well, based on the signs I'm reading
03:38that you could also read,
03:39these are Belgian separatists.
03:41They're demonstrating
03:43because they want to form their own country.
03:44I already don't respect Belgium
03:46because it's basically Luxembourg with better PR.
03:48Now they want to form a tinier, lamier country.
03:52Lamier.
03:52Yeah.
03:54Dad, dad, dad, what are you doing?
03:57Oh, that was so rude.
03:59How dare you?
04:00Mais comment tu peux faire des drapeaux comme ça?
04:02Oh, that was their flag.
04:04Well, they ought to work on that
04:05because it looked like a sheet to me.
04:09Happy Friday.
04:12Happy Friday.
04:14Oh, no.
04:15No, no, no, we're not doing that.
04:16This weekend is the better opportunities
04:18for single soldiers.
04:20Happy Humper.
04:21Yes, we're gonna get you over that cousin Humper.
04:23Hey, he was a cousin Marrier, okay?
04:25He put a ring on it.
04:26It was their grandmother's.
04:29Um, you know, I was only ever really into Mike
04:32because I thought that he was the perfect guy
04:33to help me get over Shaw,
04:35and now I have two guys to get over.
04:38Just come out tomorrow.
04:39Look, my picker is so bad.
04:43The only good pick I've ever had was Shaw.
04:45Girl, he is married.
04:47Good point.
04:47Okay, look, this isn't a regular singles mixer.
04:50This is Maggie-proof.
04:52I had Papa Dacus hack into the invite list,
04:54and the first thing we did was get rid of all the women.
04:56And second, I invited the best officers
04:59from nearby bases, Europe, and beyond.
05:02Okay, I'm talking cream of the crop,
05:03top of the top, all for you.
05:06Wait, so you're telling me that
05:07you basically designed my own
05:09personal episode of The Bachelorette?
05:11Yes.
05:12And you can immediately go to fantasy suites,
05:15and I won't be judging, but I will want details.
05:17And if my bad picker tries to eat it...
05:20No, no, no, it won't.
05:21Look, because there is not a bad pick in the batch.
05:23You can't lose.
05:24Genius.
05:26I'm in.
05:30Ah!
05:31Woo!
05:31There's nothing like finishing the last item
05:33on your to-do list by 1,500.
05:36This must be what drugs feel like.
05:38If you, uh, come down from your high soon enough.
05:40Yeah, I can use a little break from Celeste.
05:41It's just that now that we're living together again,
05:43I forgot how much talking goes into a marriage.
05:45I mean, you have to, like, live your day,
05:46then you have to recap your day,
05:47then you have to listen to them recap their day,
05:48you have to live two days.
05:49Oh, God.
05:50You come to my house.
05:51Yeah.
05:51None of that.
05:52Great.
05:53Right?
05:53Oh.
05:55Quinn.
05:56Bonjour.
05:57This is Bastien,
05:58the leader of the Belgian separatist movement.
06:01Ah.
06:02Don't recognize the name.
06:04Did we go to high school together?
06:05I was protesting in front of your base,
06:07and you drove through a flag,
06:09and that was disrespectful.
06:10No, I drove through a sheet, okay,
06:12that was blocking the entrance to my army base.
06:16You were trespassing on U.S. soil.
06:17Now, I demand a public apology.
06:19Let me tell you something, pal.
06:20You're barking up the wrong tree.
06:21I have never apologized for anything in my life.
06:23Not one thing.
06:24I didn't even apologize when I missed my daughter's birth.
06:27Oh, you will apologize.
06:28Or else what?
06:29I don't have an or else.
06:31We are an unviolent movement.
06:32You got to have an or else when you're making demands, okay?
06:35It's just, like, that's day one stuff.
06:38So, anyways, thanks for calling.
06:39I needed to laugh,
06:40and, uh, I'll never talk to you again.
06:43Bye-bye.
06:43Okay, I traced the call.
06:45I will notify Stroopstorf police, all three of them.
06:47Dale teaches him to threaten the U.S. Army.
06:49Go slap the cuffs on his pervert ass.
06:52Wait, how do you know he's a pervert?
06:53Well, he speaks French.
06:59Hello, military boys.
07:01I only know how to make my ties in trouble,
07:04but I'm really good at making both.
07:06Ooh.
07:07Yes.
07:08Hi.
07:08I'm good.
07:10Yeah.
07:10Wow, this is, uh, amazing.
07:12I feel like I'm in a Jane Austen novel,
07:16except I can inherit property.
07:18Hey, are we at all concerned
07:19that these many men will be disappointed
07:20that there is only one woman to talk to?
07:22Oh, handle.
07:23Allow me to introduce you
07:24to the amazing Papadakis.
07:27Amazing Papadakis.
07:29Okay, so what's happening?
07:31Oh, so Papadakis is going to entertain
07:33the rest of the men with some up-close magic
07:35while you pull a bombshell for a check.
07:37Hey, oh, I thought you were the magician.
07:40Every great magish needs a less talented assist.
07:44Pick a card, any card.
07:46Now put it back in the deck.
07:49Now, check Papadakis' front chest pocket.
07:52Ooh.
07:53I know nothing's in there.
07:54Okay.
07:55I have very sensitive nipples.
07:57Those are a gift from God,
07:59and you should cherish them.
08:01Unless...
08:02Is this your card?
08:03Yeah!
08:05Gideon, you're so good!
08:06Uh, no.
08:07I'm the magician.
08:08I pulled the card from my pocket.
08:09He just does all the technical stuff
08:11that leads up to the reveal.
08:12Isn't that the magic?
08:13No.
08:14Magic is about charisma and charm,
08:16which I have in spades.
08:17You are full of spades.
08:19Oh, Gideon, yes!
08:21Hunts and props.
08:23Who are you, Carrot Top?
08:24Just keep the men from leaving.
08:25Otherwise, I'm gonna make you two disappear.
08:27Now, let's go find your soulmate.
08:30Mm-hmm.
08:37I wonder how Maggie's big night is.
08:42Maggie's what?
08:44Conway's throwing Maggie her big, uh, boss dating event
08:46as a sort of factory reset for her love life.
08:49Oh.
08:49It's good that she's getting some help,
08:50especially after that last guy.
08:51Because he really did a number on her.
08:54Oh, yeah.
08:55Which, you know, is her fault,
08:59because she picked him.
09:01Like, it doesn't have anything to do with me, right?
09:04What?
09:05This is...
09:07It's gonna sound crazy,
09:08but she said to me that, you know,
09:11it was my fault that she picks bad guys.
09:13You know, Freud did have a lot to say
09:15about parental dynamics affecting adult relationships,
09:17which, you know, he was a cocaine-addled freak,
09:20so I think we're in the clear there.
09:21Yeah, a lot of other psychologists think the same.
09:23You'd be surprised how many people are on coke.
09:29Yeah, Quinn.
09:30Bonsoir, Colonel.
09:31What the hell?
09:32Why is your pervert ass not in jail?
09:34I was released on bail since I am no flight risk.
09:36I will stay here forever to fight for my country.
09:39Country, yes.
09:39Like, you're made-up country.
09:41It's like saying,
09:41hey, I'm gonna take a bullet for Narnia.
09:43I'm calling you with your or else.
09:45Okay.
09:46I'm here to destroy something that you care about,
09:49and, uh, don't bother tracing the call
09:51because it's coming from inside the basement.
09:53Well, hey, you don't hang up on me, you...
09:55Okay, wait, did we just turn a separatist
09:57into a terrorist?
09:58No.
09:59This guy's a non-violent terrorist,
10:01which is like saying you're a castrated gigolo.
10:03You know what I mean?
10:04He's unhinged.
10:05And if he wants an unhinged competition,
10:07he came to the right guy.
10:08A lot of punches are gonna be thrown.
10:10It's gonna be about to bring my brass knuckles
10:11to this party.
10:12Let's go to Narnia.
10:17We implemented an exterior lockdown.
10:19MPs are patrolling on foot and by car.
10:21You know what?
10:22Stupid Belgians are just so...
10:25Well, I don't know what they are, actually,
10:27because I never cared enough
10:28to research the stereotypes.
10:30I did.
10:31They are everything that is bad about the French
10:33without anything that is good about the French.
10:35If he's gonna sabotage something,
10:37it's gonna be...
10:37the cheese.
10:39Hey.
10:40Let's go, let's go, let's go.
10:41Come on.
10:42Let's go.
10:45Is that a picture of Gideon holding your card?
10:53That's my phone.
11:00Hey.
11:01We got a situation.
11:02One of the Belgian protesters
11:03has infiltrated the base
11:04and is threatening sabotage.
11:06Sabotage?
11:07Yeah.
11:07Here.
11:08Yeah.
11:08Okay, what is he gonna do?
11:09Pee in our cheese?
11:11Well?
11:12Oh, my God.
11:12Is he gonna pee in our cheese?
11:14We need to shut this event down.
11:15No, Maggie is just getting started.
11:17And Papadakis is gonna saw Gideon in half,
11:19and you know he doesn't know how to do that.
11:21Okay, well, maybe we could stay here
11:22and just, like, block the exits.
11:24What are you, nuts?
11:25We have a fox in the henhouse, okay?
11:27We need to stop him before he does real damage.
11:29Well, with Maggie's taste of men,
11:30she'll probably find him right away.
11:32Because she's kind of like a magnet for losers.
11:34That's the plan.
11:35Perfect.
11:36I was joking.
11:37That is morally reprehensible.
11:38It's not.
11:38We cannot do that.
11:39I'm morally reprehensible.
11:39Absolutely not.
11:40It's a perfect plan.
11:41She leads us to the guy,
11:42you distract her,
11:43we grab the guy,
11:44she's none the wiser,
11:45she starts talking to some other guy.
11:46I don't want to do that.
11:47Okay.
11:47How can you be so sure that she's gonna find him?
11:49Because she's always looking for the next jerk,
11:51like Rick Silver, okay?
11:52So, here she comes.
11:53Be cool.
11:54Be cool.
11:54Hey!
11:55Hey!
11:56Hi!
11:56What's going on?
11:57What are you guys doing here?
11:58We are here to cheer you on.
12:00Go, Maggie, win, dates.
12:04Stop.
12:04You meet anybody special?
12:06Um, tall?
12:07I can't say that anyone's really giving me, like, the jolt.
12:09Yeah.
12:09Oh, the jolt?
12:10Oh, you know the jolt.
12:11Like, the whip of danger,
12:13the thrill of the unknown.
12:14I'll get a little tingle in my, um, in my heart.
12:18Yeah.
12:18Like she got with Rick Silver, right?
12:20Oh, yeah.
12:21Yeah.
12:21Rick Silver's a liar, a cheater, and a spy.
12:23Yeah.
12:24Liar, cheater, spy.
12:25For America.
12:27You know what, honey?
12:28The important thing is not to give up.
12:31Look at me.
12:32I got, you know, three divorces down,
12:34and I'm still looking for my fourth, you know?
12:37So, just go out there and get a jolt.
12:40Okay.
12:40I'll go back to what I was doing before.
12:41Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:42Yeah.
12:42Great.
12:43All right.
12:43Follow your instincts.
12:44Look for the jolt.
12:45All right.
12:45So, she's going to lead us right to the French perv.
12:49Okay.
12:49And then we grab him, black bag him.
12:53Yeah, we never leave home without him.
12:55All right.
12:55Let's fan out.
12:56Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:00Thank you very much.
13:03Okay.
13:04Go ahead.
13:04Oh, my God.
13:05I love dogs.
13:06Oh.
13:07Oh, so these aren't your dogs.
13:09These are just photos of random corgis.
13:14That's cool.
13:15Um.
13:17Wow.
13:18Oh, so you deliver sanitary products to developing nations.
13:21As a male feminist, uh, it's important to connect to menstruation.
13:25You say menstruation a lot.
13:27Would it be better if I said menses?
13:29No.
13:30That's a lot worse.
13:37What is that accent?
13:38It just makes my tailbone tingle.
13:40And why are you here?
13:41Oh, well, I'm just here hoping to meet somebody from the base tonight.
13:45Maybe.
13:46No, I'm tempted, but this night is not about me.
13:48You should talk to Captain Maggie.
13:50She's the star of the evening.
13:52Captain, huh?
13:53Mm-hmm.
14:02She's smiling, and he has a Belgian beard.
14:07Oh, she's into him.
14:08And we have physical contact.
14:10You're really funny, but...
14:13Nobody's that funny.
14:15I'm gonna get water, but I'll be back.
14:23Thank you very much.
14:26Come on.
14:26Let's go.
14:27Okay.
14:27Yep.
14:28I'll...
14:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:29Yep, yep.
14:30Get in here.
14:32That's right.
14:33Get in that chair.
14:34Got him.
14:35Got him.
14:35Go.
14:36Yeah.
14:39Ha-ha!
14:41Yeah.
14:41I hope this country you're forming has free health care, pal,
14:44because I'm gonna put a boot so far up your ass,
14:45you're gonna need five doctors to get it out.
14:47Ha-ha, he'll do it, man.
14:48You better listen to him.
14:49He's crazy, bro.
14:49I haven't done anything.
14:51I-I-I just met Maggie, and she seems so easy.
14:54Hey!
14:54What did you just say about her?
14:55Easy to talk to!
14:57Easy to talk to!
14:58Jeez.
14:58I thought you were the good cop.
15:00Sorry, buddy.
15:00You're stuck in a room with two bad cops.
15:02Where's the accent, Belgian boy?
15:03Huh?
15:04What happened to the...
15:04Where'd he go?
15:04I'm an American!
15:05Liar!
15:06Okay?
15:06I saw Maggie talk to you at the party.
15:08You were the guy she was most interested in.
15:09That means you must be the biggest piece of garbage in the room.
15:12That's just...
15:13She was laughing at me.
15:15I'm vegan.
15:16I told her I don't need anything with a face.
15:18You said that out loud to a woman.
15:22Colonel, we got the wrong guy.
15:24That means...
15:26Wait, you still haven't told me your name.
15:29Oh, my name is Bobby.
15:31Uh-huh.
15:32And it's a real pleasure to officially meet you, Captain Maggie of Strobstorf.
15:37Mm-hmm.
15:38And you're not sure how you ended up at this party?
15:42Oh, I mean, I just walked through the door.
15:45But I can't tell you all the roads I took that let you here.
15:48Yes, it is a real saw.
15:51What do you think I am, a hack?
15:53Let's do this.
15:54Wow, I think we're gonna be in the splash zone.
15:58Then maybe we should get out of here.
16:00Yeah.
16:01Hey, so in your country, can you marry your cousin?
16:04No.
16:05Music to my ears.
16:06Let's go.
16:12Well, I know it's just laundry, but these facilities are as impressive as everyone said.
16:18Hmm.
16:19Well, it's, uh, nice to be talked about.
16:22Sturdy.
16:23And not to brag, but we do laundry for a lot of important bases all over Europe.
16:28Come on.
16:29I'm sure you have more than that to brag about.
16:33So, Bupi, tell me more about yourself.
16:37What, uh, gets you out of bed in the morning?
16:41Oh, don't love, but, uh, my love for my country.
16:47Same.
16:47Reading.
16:48Same.
16:48I'm literally wearing red, white, and blue underwear right now, so...
16:54Well, there's a reason we both became soldiers, I guess.
16:57To fight for something that we truly believe in.
17:03Uh, are the lights flickering in here?
17:06I would describe it as more of a jolt.
17:09You're talking about the lights.
17:11Yeah, yeah.
17:11Uh, well, we've had, uh, electrical problems in the past, so it could be.
17:15But, you know.
17:16Hey, I can fix it.
17:17Just show me the breaker box.
17:19Oh.
17:19Yeah.
17:20Uh, handy.
17:22Yeah, I'll, uh, show you the breaker box.
17:24Mm-hmm.
17:25Yep.
17:27Where?
17:27You know we have keys for all these doors, right?
17:29What's more important to you?
17:30Door jams or freedom?
17:33Bastion just turned on his phone.
17:35Okay, gotta ping on the location.
17:36Okay, Maggie and Bastion are in the laundry room.
17:38Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
17:39All right, hang on, one second.
17:40Okay.
17:42Are you done?
17:43What?
17:44What?
17:45Yeah, so I think that the breaker box is somewhere in there.
17:49But, uh, the electricity is here.
17:54Oh.
17:59I have to tell you, Bobby, that my instincts are usually pretty terrible.
18:04I just pick all the wrong people for all different kinds of reasons that we don't have to get into.
18:08But I stopped trusting myself, you know?
18:10But tonight has given me hope that I can trust myself again.
18:13So thank you.
18:15Is it in here or is it?
18:16Oh, no.
18:17Your phone background is the Belgian separatist flag.
18:19I'm no dummy.
18:20And it's an ugly flag.
18:21No.
18:23Did you just duck me in?
18:24Hey, hey, open the door!
18:29Hmm.
18:30Damn it.
18:31Yeah.
18:31He's gone.
18:33You know what?
18:35This is your fault.
18:36It's not my fault.
18:37You know, you always do this.
18:39Do what?
18:40You always put your job before Maggie, and you did it again.
18:43There's a room full of nice guys over there waiting for her right now, and she's not there.
18:47Why isn't she there?
18:49Because of me.
18:51Okay?
18:51I get it.
18:54In my defense.
18:56Hey!
18:57Oh, Maggie.
18:57Hi.
18:58Hi.
18:58So there's a Belgian separatist that's running around the base who we've been trying.
19:02Yeah, yeah, I know.
19:03I, uh, I caught him.
19:04I trapped him in the laundry office.
19:06Oh, you caught him?
19:07Yeah, I knew something was up.
19:08He was way too into laundry.
19:10Uh-huh.
19:11Yes.
19:11I'll just...
19:12You'll never...
19:13Oh, yeah.
19:14Okay.
19:16All right, listen.
19:17Um, you were right, and...
19:20you do...
19:21you deserve an apology.
19:23You don't have to actually apologize.
19:26I really am sorry.
19:31I've been a really lousy, uh, role model, and I...
19:35I'm now...
19:35and I'm here, and I should try to be a better one.
19:39Okay.
19:40Oh, oh, it's okay, baby.
19:41No, it's fine.
19:42I'm sorry.
19:43No, I interrupted.
19:45You go on.
19:46Oh, no, no, that was...
19:47that was it.
19:47Oh, I thought you would...
19:49that there's, like, more to be sorry for.
19:52Well, honey, I kind of meant that was like a...
19:54blanket apology, so it wasn't...
19:56What about, uh, missing my birth?
19:58Your mother and I had a conversation about the following week...
20:01Never teaching me how to ride a bike.
20:02I couldn't find a helmet that fit your head,
20:04because your head's oddly shaped.
20:05Okay, what about never telling me that you love me?
20:08I came...
20:10so close on 9-11.
20:13But this...
20:13I am peacefully resisting.
20:14Mork!
20:15Hey, what's up?
20:17So, so much cologne, bud.
20:19Hey, can I still call you?
20:20Yeah.
20:21No.
20:21No, no.
20:22No.
20:23You won't be calling anybody for a while, though.
20:25Let's go.
20:26You know what?
20:26You can call your lawyer.
20:28How about that?
20:29Should we get him back to that party?
20:31Nah.
20:31I don't think any of those guys are the right guy for me.
20:34You know?
20:36Yeah.
20:39Yes.
20:42He was tall, though.
20:43A little too tall.
20:49Oh, hey, dude.
20:50Oh, hey.
20:51Thank you again for tonight.
20:53And look, I'm sorry it didn't work out,
20:55but hey, at least this time you didn't realize you picked a bad guy.
20:59Oh, yes.
21:00Progress.
21:02Look, sometimes you don't get what you want,
21:04and you get what you need.
21:05And turns out I needed to watch my dad speed date 50 men for me.
21:09Who's your favorite quarterback?
21:10Um, I don't actually like American football.
21:13Bye-bye.
21:14Dad.
21:15What am I supposed to talk to her about on Thanksgiving?
21:18You don't come to Thanksgiving.
21:19I'm coming to Thanksgiving starting this year.
21:22Oh.
21:26Sarcastic applause.
21:26That's what you give me.
21:27You get that from your mother.
21:29Favorite quarterback?
21:30It's going so well.
21:33It's going so well.
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