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00:02Here's the thing, Papadakis, if I squint at you from a distance, I can almost see a soldier.
00:09But what I'm wondering right now is, what are you dressed like?
00:14Can you be more specific, sir?
00:16Like?
00:17Like Shrek.
00:19No, I bought this costume at a Halloween store.
00:21This is Angry Green Swamp Ogre.
00:24Colonel, the troops have chosen to watch Shrek for the 17th straight movie night.
00:29I am dressed as an Angry Green Swamp Ogre.
00:31Now, if someone were to dress as Shrek, maybe they would do so,
00:34because the film is a cultural touchstone for an entire generation.
00:39Get your feet off my desk.
00:42Officially, as of now, Major, Shrek is banned on this base.
00:46Confirmed, sir.
00:47Fine. Guess we can watch Shrek 2.
00:49Shrek 2 is banned. Shrek 3, banned.
00:51What?
00:52Is there a Shrek 4? Because it's banned.
00:54Forever After.
00:54What?
00:55Shrek 4. It's called Shrek Forever After.
00:57Well, not on this base.
00:59Hey! Come on, now!
01:00Does the Constitution even allow that?
01:02Okay. Bye-bye.
01:03Dismissed. Great.
01:05Ready for the next meeting?
01:07Yeah, sure. What is it?
01:08Specialist Gideon is dressed as a giant donkey.
01:33Why are you trying to impress her? She's just a Canadian NATO general.
01:36General Martin is coming here on my invitation. You understand that, right? And that her last three mentees are all
01:42lieutenant generals now.
01:43Okay, relax. What do you have in that love me folder? It's insane.
01:48Most soldiers put in their resume. Do you have your kindergarten artwork or something in there?
01:52It doesn't go back that far. It starts at, like, middle school.
01:55Dad, I would appreciate it if you were on your best behavior, you know? No, like, Canada jokes or anything
02:01stupid.
02:02Have I made a Canada joke yet?
02:03They are an important strategic partner.
02:05Okay. Here she comes. What's she going to teach you? How to say sorry?
02:09Just said stop.
02:11Well, maybe she'll introduce you to Santa Claus if you're lucky.
02:13Shut up.
02:15General Martin.
02:16Well, hello, Nito.
02:18You must be the famous Quinns. The rumors are true. I could smell your base's cheese a half a click
02:23out.
02:24General Martin, it is an honor. Canada is, of course, one of our most important strategic partners.
02:31We are big fans of Canada.
02:33Welcome. Can I get you coffee or tea?
02:36Caffeine's for the unmotivated. I'd like a tour.
02:44This is our urban training site with state-of-the-art equipment to condition our troops for any situation.
02:50Mock buildings for forced entry exercises, a rock wall for terrain skill development.
02:55And this is our picnic table for people to have lunch.
02:59A sandwich? What is that, a sandwich? Yum.
03:03This whole place here was a useless bowling alley until I turned it around.
03:07This was your influence?
03:09Oh, yeah.
03:09That's impressive.
03:10Thank you, General. Thank you.
03:11General, would you care to see the most advanced armed forces laundry operation in all of Europe?
03:15I'm sure it's not advanced enough to deal with my dirty laundry.
03:21Your reputation for risque humor precedes you, ma'am.
03:24Well, there's not a lot of finishing schools in Saskatoon.
03:28You will be proud to know, Colonel, that we use your training methods on NATO troops.
03:32Oh, really?
03:33Well, I'm very, very honored to hear that, General.
03:36I would like to hear more about that.
03:38And I also hear you have something to do with the NATO Professional Development Program.
03:43It's a fine program.
03:44Not as fine as this facility, though, I have to say.
03:46You know, we could use an upgrade like this at the NATO Shape Base in Mons.
03:51We mostly have glowing maps in conference rooms.
03:54And look, it's all fun and war games, but how can you train soldiers if you've forgotten how it feels
03:59to hold a rifle in your hand?
04:00Yes, General.
04:01And you know what?
04:02I still have my Glock...
04:05I love a Glock Calus.
04:08You know?
04:08Oh, that's a big one.
04:09It is.
04:10I have one, too.
04:11You do?
04:12General, I would love to come to your base and help assess the situation and perhaps continue our conversation about
04:21that professional development room.
04:22That letter got my attention, and it brought me to this base, so I would love to host you at
04:27mine.
04:27Awesome.
04:28Mm-hmm.
04:29And Colonel Quinn as well?
04:31I would love to see those conference rooms.
04:34Oh, they're great for one-on-one meetings.
04:36I'd love to have a one-on-one.
04:37Mm-hmm, me too.
04:38Can I see her, Calus?
04:40Yeah, yeah.
04:42Hey.
04:43I just heard.
04:44Is it true?
04:45You guys are really banning Shrek.
04:47Yeah, the Colonel banned the movie.
04:49Okay, yeah, but it's not like a real order, right?
04:51It's like one of his silly orders, like when he told us that we couldn't say bless you after sneezing
04:55anymore because it was superstitious nonsense.
04:57Orders are orders.
04:57No Shrek.
04:59You are too old to understand how much this movie means to our younger enlisted soldiers.
05:06It's just a cartoon about a fat Grinch.
05:08I assume.
05:09I've only seen the poster.
05:10You don't get it.
05:11As kids, these soldiers saw Shrek as this down-to-earth outsider.
05:16It means something to them.
05:17You know what means something to me?
05:19Following the chain of command.
05:20Uh, no, don't say it.
05:29Hey.
05:30Hey.
05:31So can you review these talking points that I wrote up for our trip to NATO?
05:35Where are you going?
05:37I was going to pop over and see General Martin and make sure she knows where the defect is.
05:41Mm-hmm.
05:41In that blazer?
05:43This is my lucky blazer.
05:44It's your lucky blazer.
05:46It's not my fault that I'm five for five in this.
05:48It's just a nice drive.
05:50Don't sleep with General Martin, please.
05:51Why?
05:52I really don't want things to get messy, okay?
05:54The program's so important to me.
05:54Why would it get messy?
05:55This is what you do.
05:57You'll sleep with a woman and then come up with some excuse like a fake phone call that you have
06:02to go save America and then they're left there alone and hurt.
06:05It's a pattern that you have.
06:06It's not a pattern.
06:08It's a lifestyle choice.
06:09I fought in two wars and defend this country so that all Americans have the right to do whatever they
06:14want, including wear whatever jacket they want, to say hello to somebody and walk them over to the DFAC.
06:19All right, all right.
06:21I won't make my move until you make your move.
06:23Yes, thank you for your sacrifice.
06:26It is a sacrifice.
06:35Hey, what's up?
06:37I forgot where the dining hall is.
06:39Oh, it's just across the lawn there, if you want me to.
06:42That sounds far.
06:43You'd use a drink to tide me over.
06:45Oh.
06:46Hey.
06:49Nice place.
06:51It's your place.
06:52I know.
06:53Sometimes I just forget and I readmire it.
06:55That's, uh, General Patton's gun.
06:57Ooh.
06:58Yeah.
06:59Impressive.
07:00Yeah.
07:04I've been sitting all day.
07:06I think it's going to be like a standing evening.
07:08Oh.
07:08Because I've just been...
07:11Yeah, I was sitting all day.
07:12Uh-huh.
07:12Pretty tight.
07:14What's going on here?
07:15What do you mean?
07:16I mean, it's clear we have a natural attraction to each other, right?
07:19Yeah.
07:19I mean, why retreat from it?
07:20It's perfect.
07:22We're not in the same chain of command.
07:23We're not even in the same army.
07:25I know.
07:25The thing is, my daughter, she thinks that my personal life gets messy and she doesn't
07:32want me to get messy with you.
07:33Oh, I'm counting on it.
07:35Oh.
07:35Well, so...
07:36So, get over here, peel off my sex blazer, and we'll see if you have the fortitude to
07:41invade Canada.
07:42Oh!
07:43Oh!
07:44Wow.
07:45Hey.
07:47Now, I know some of you are upset about recent programming changes.
07:50I told you not to play with Shrek.
07:52Okay, since Shrek is your favorite childhood movie, I found the perfect substitute.
07:58What is that?
07:59A giant vape?
08:00It's not a vape.
08:01This is a VHS, and it contains a recording of my favorite childhood movie, The NeverEnding
08:07Story.
08:09Enjoy!
08:11Give it a shot.
08:12Just give it a chance, okay?
08:17They hate this.
08:19Wait, a horse dies in this?
08:21We want Shrek.
08:22Hey, dude.
08:23Be cool.
08:24Dude?
08:25It's Major.
08:26Sorry.
08:27Dude.
08:28Major.
08:29Listen, why don't you take a walk?
08:31Let us watch The Star is Born.
08:34Okay, this is just a DVD of Shrek.
08:37Prove it.
08:38Put it in.
08:39You know what?
08:39No.
08:40No.
08:40We're not watching Shrek.
08:42That is in order.
08:43Great.
08:44Enjoy your flying dog, creep.
08:47I'm leaving.
08:50Okay, he's a luck dragon, and he's really cute and charming.
08:54It was ahead of its time!
08:57Oh, my God.
08:58What happened to Canadians being polite?
09:00It's a high-altitude training perk.
09:02I need very little oxygen.
09:03I was getting a little worried, you know?
09:06What?
09:06What's that scar?
09:07Oh, ISIS terrorist.
09:09He was inside of a building, so I smashed through a window, grabbed him, pulled him right
09:12out.
09:13Oh, that's cool.
09:14I mean, you know.
09:17Oh, my God.
09:19What's that from?
09:20Bar fight.
09:21Moose jaw.
09:22I won.
09:22It's so much bigger than mine.
09:26I know.
09:28Phew.
09:29Cool.
09:33Oh, boy.
09:34I...
09:35Man.
09:36Aw.
09:37Looks like I gotta save Canada.
09:39What?
09:40I can't believe you said that.
09:42What?
09:43That's my move.
09:44That's what I was just about to say.
09:46I swear to God.
09:47Well, you said you didn't want things to get messy, so...
09:49No, this is perfect.
09:50This means it could just be a mutual transmission of fluids.
09:54Mmm.
09:54And, you know, respect, obviously.
09:56Hopefully not too much respect.
10:04Good morning, Megs.
10:06Oh, my God.
10:08What?
10:09You slept with General Martin.
10:11No, I didn't.
10:11What are you talking about?
10:12What?
10:12You never say good morning, Megs.
10:14You potentially destroyed my chances at the NATO professional development program after
10:18you said, I won't make things messy.
10:21It's not messy.
10:22It's so cool.
10:22She's the female version of me.
10:24She actually even used my move on me after we, you know, we're done having, you know,
10:29relations.
10:30Stop.
10:30She picked up her phone and she was like, oh, I gotta go save Canada.
10:33I was like, really?
10:34From what?
10:34The Yetis?
10:35Let's say that she doesn't hate your guts yet.
10:38She doesn't.
10:38She loves many parts of me.
10:40Okay.
10:41Stop.
10:42New plan.
10:43You are just gonna give her this.
10:45You're gonna talk me up and you are gonna help secure me this mentorship.
10:49Okay?
10:52This is so heavy.
10:53It's seven pounds.
10:54Like, I'm begging you to just edit.
10:56Go!
10:57So I can go wash my brain.
11:02Thanks for coming to my neck of the woods.
11:06I just couldn't turn down the chance to have sex on a war table.
11:10Next time, instead of doing it on Canada, can we do it on Russia?
11:13Because I feel like if we do it long enough, Putin might actually find out.
11:16Oh, he'll find out.
11:18All right.
11:18Well, I gotta go.
11:20And don't worry.
11:20I'm not saving Canada this time.
11:22If anything, I'm putting her in more danger.
11:25Hey, um, I was thinking, you know, like, you and my daughter should get to know each
11:29other better.
11:30You know, she's a great girl.
11:31She's really interesting.
11:31She's wicked smart.
11:32She's an impressive officer.
11:34You should be very proud.
11:34I'm so proud.
11:35And I actually told her that once under oath.
11:37So, um, I was just thinking that we could grab dinner and, and, and get to know each other.
11:44There's an Italian place nearby.
11:45They do a family style thing.
11:47It's great.
11:48I thought maybe...
11:48I don't do family style.
11:50But they can do individual plates.
11:52It's no big thing.
11:53Anyways, look, she gave me this, which is a folder summing up her career and her ideas
11:59about the future of...
12:00Oh, my God.
12:01I know.
12:01What the hell is that?
12:02She has an oddly shaped head and it took us a while to figure out what haircut worked
12:06for her.
12:06And that was not one of the ones that worked.
12:09But anyways, so it's all in here.
12:11You can just get to, um, where are you going?
12:14Uh, call my office.
12:16Okay, well, we're still on for tomorrow, right?
12:17I'm sure it'll work out.
12:25And hoot!
12:28Why are soldiers in the DFAC eating raw onions like an apple?
12:33Because it's Shrek's favorite food, sir.
12:35Also a representation of these many layers.
12:38I am following orders.
12:41And so should you.
12:43You know who else was just following orders?
12:47Lord Farquaad's knights.
12:49Lord Farquaad is a nemesis.
12:51No, I got it from context clues.
12:53Thank you so much.
12:53This is ending now.
12:54And no more playing All-Star by Smash Mouth.
12:57Terrible song.
12:58Hey, now.
12:59It's a classic.
13:04What have you done?
13:09Greening our sheets.
13:10You've just been assigned a latrine duty.
13:13Oh, you can silence me.
13:16Good luck silencing the incertraction.
13:34Yummy?
13:35Yummy?
13:36Oh.
13:37You've been waiting a long time.
13:39Well, she is a general.
13:41And everything went okay yesterday?
13:42Great.
13:43You gave her my folder.
13:44Yes.
13:45I, uh, I showed her the folder.
13:48And, um...
13:49You showed her the folder?
13:50Yeah.
13:51Um, and, uh...
13:51Did she read the folder?
13:53No, she didn't have to.
13:54Like, that's the thing.
13:54She's obviously...
13:55Like I said, she's so into me.
13:58General Martin can't give the tour after all.
14:01She's been pulled into an important meeting.
14:03Oh, okay.
14:04Of course.
14:05Uh, thank you, ma'am.
14:06Got it.
14:09You said that she was very into you.
14:10She was into me.
14:11Oh, then why is she blowing you off?
14:13She's not blowing...
14:13Women don't blow me off, honey.
14:15Okay, well, you get pulled into an important last-minute meeting all the time.
14:18And when you're doing that, what does that mean?
14:22It means I'm blowing them off.
14:23Come on.
14:24Where?
14:24Let's go.
14:25Come down.
14:25Come on.
14:26Let's go.
14:26Come down.
14:27Come down.
14:27Stop.
14:28Yes.
14:29Let's see what the hell's going on here.
14:33What?
14:34What the...
14:35Oh, my God.
14:36This is your big meeting?
14:37You're re-gripping your hockey stick?
14:39Unbelievable.
14:39It's called a Canadian breakup.
14:41It's as direct as we can be.
14:42You're breaking up with me?
14:44That's a laugh.
14:46This means war.
14:47Look, I'm sorry.
14:48Oh, you're sorry.
14:49Oh, you're gonna be very sorry.
14:50You know what?
14:51I'd like to challenge you to one of these little war games that you supposedly run here in this
14:54toothless little dollhouse.
14:55He's very passionate.
14:56Perhaps that is not the best idea, considering Canada is one of our most important strategic partners.
15:02Important strategic partners are a bunch of syrup-sucking-puck-making losers.
15:06No.
15:07You haven't won the Stanley Cup with a Canadian team since 1993.
15:10How dare you bring up my country's greatest shame?
15:14Fine.
15:14War it is.
15:15You pick any country on the map, and I will use that country to crush NATO.
15:20Bhutan.
15:21Bhutan it is.
15:22I love Bhutan.
15:22Bhutan.
15:23Yeah, here we go.
15:24Bhutan.
15:24I'm Captain Bhutan.
15:26Dad, Bhutan is a pacifist country with a million Buddhists.
15:30I'm going to war with a bunch of...
15:32Buddhists.
15:33Hmm.
15:34Um, okay.
15:35I'm gonna double that bet.
15:36Bhutan wins, which it will because I'm running it.
15:38My daughter gets the professional mentorship thing.
15:41How about that?
15:42Okay.
15:42Well, you have a lot of confidence or no faith in your daughter.
15:45Let's find out which one.
15:46I'm very confident.
15:47That's which one it is.
15:48Okay?
15:49Yeah.
15:49Okay.
15:49Let's go.
15:51You think you're cool?
15:53It's pretty hot.
15:55Dad.
15:55Sir.
15:56Okay.
15:57Okay.
16:00This war table is connected to an AI program that immediately assesses any geopolitical consequences
16:06by military actions.
16:07I remember when nuclear war was still done by human hands pushing big red buttons.
16:12Okay.
16:13Let's begin.
16:14Hmm.
16:14Um, my entire professional future is now tied to this war game, so you're sure you can
16:20beat her?
16:20100% sure.
16:21Great.
16:22No question in my mind.
16:23All right.
16:23Just show me where, uh, Bhutan is.
16:26Near Mexico?
16:28Bhutan is here on the China-India border.
16:31Oh, interesting.
16:32Okay.
16:33You, uh, ready to lock in?
16:34Oh, I'm locked in.
16:35Okay.
16:35You think I got banned from three trivia nights without locking in?
16:38Okay.
16:45What is happening here?
16:47Okay, what is wrong with you all?
16:48Get back to work.
16:49Clean this up.
16:50That's an order.
16:51It's a total revolt, sir.
16:52I cannot believe that Papadakis inspired a rebellion over a stupid cartoon.
16:58This is a mutiny.
16:59It's a very stupid mutiny.
17:02We here at the Indochina-Bhutanese Alliance respond with a drone squadron in the mountainous
17:08region and artillery at the northern border.
17:12Now we're at a stalemate.
17:14Not exactly, because while you were digging trenches, I was training the Bhutanese Liberation
17:19Front in the Himalayan Caves.
17:21You're leading an army of Buddhist guerrillas.
17:25Yeah.
17:25We call it karma.
17:27And, you know, the BLF advantage is that we only live in the moment that and the nuclear
17:32weapons that we have smuggled into half a dozen Eastern European cities.
17:36That's a highly unusual move.
17:38Yeah, but you can only push Buddhists so far, right?
17:42Get ready to be reincarnated.
17:44Can I talk to you privately for a moment?
17:46Mm-hmm.
17:47Um, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think this is a little aggressive, don't you?
17:50No.
17:51Yeah?
17:51No, I would rather trigger nuclear winter than lose my mentorship because I played it
17:55too safe.
17:55Trust me.
17:57Okay.
17:58Woo!
17:59Your turn.
18:03Papadakis, this is out of control.
18:06You gotta call it off.
18:07You know, Major, I was never asking for slack.
18:11I was only asking for Shrek.
18:13I wish it was that easy.
18:15It is that easy.
18:16The base has Shrek on, like, DVD, Blu-ray, audiobook, even that weird big vape.
18:19It's called a VHS, and it is the colonel's order.
18:22He isn't here.
18:24It's your order now.
18:27Conway, you volunteered for latrine duty?
18:29I'm finally serving a cause I can believe in.
18:33You told us to act like soldiers.
18:35Only question now is, what kind of soldier are you?
18:40Is that a line from Shrek?
18:41Only one way to find out.
18:45NATO forces invade the BLF, the Bulgarian terrorist cell.
18:49That is too bad, because we were never there.
18:55We were in North Macedonia the whole time.
18:58North Macedonia?
18:59North Macedonia.
19:00One of NATO's newest members, but they agreed to house us in exchange for a nuclear weapon,
19:05which is the reward that we offer for any country willing to join the Indochina-Butanese alliance.
19:13Oh, my God.
19:15And then the Eastern Bloc will join you, and the NATO alliance is permanently broken.
19:20Just kidding.
19:21Just kidding.
19:23Wow.
19:24Crazy impressive, right?
19:25See, I told you.
19:26That's why you should have had that family-style dinner with the three of us.
19:29Sorry, did you invite a woman that you barely know to a family-style dinner?
19:33Yeah, I mean...
19:34Well, that's insane.
19:35I'm insane.
19:36You're the Putinese bin Laden.
19:38I mean, no wonder she blew us off.
19:39That's not why she blew me off.
19:41Oh, yes, it is.
19:42No, it freaked me out.
19:43I thought you were going to propose going on a Disney cruise as a family next.
19:47Oh, hang on a second.
19:48Child 911.
19:51Look, he is not invested in family at all,
19:54but he did raise a daughter who knows her way around a war game,
19:57which I think I just won.
20:00So, about that...
20:02Captain, I can't in good conscience
20:04let a maniac like you out on the street without my guidance.
20:08Therefore, the mentorship is yours.
20:10Congratulations.
20:11Thank you, ma'am.
20:12Thank you so much.
20:13You're welcome.
20:13So, looks like Shah overrode my Shrek ban on the base,
20:17and he says we have to show the film tonight
20:18because it has generational importance.
20:20Shrek, I love Shrek.
20:22Mike Myers, he's our guy.
20:24He's our Canada guy.
20:25Can I come and see it?
20:26I haven't seen it in a while.
20:26Sure, I'll just tell Shah to save us a couple seats.
20:29I'm so excited.
20:30Yeah?
20:30Oh, that's great.
20:31Great.
20:33Wow.
20:34You're going to watch Shrek?
20:35Yeah, if she's watching it, I'll watch it.
20:37Okay.
20:37It's, uh, it's...
20:39What is he?
20:39He's a giant fat frog, right?
20:41Mm-hmm.
20:46Boom.
20:46You made the right choice, Shah.
20:48I'm glad we didn't have to kill you.
20:50You know, I always wanted to date somebody
20:52that was basically the female version of me.
20:55Hey, can I touch your callus again?
20:58Oh, yeah.
20:58Go ahead.
21:00Mm.
21:07Last and final offer, Colonel.
21:09I'll agree to one shared holiday.
21:10I'll give you Boxing Day.
21:12Any 24-hour rendezvous can turn into a 48-hour rendezvous,
21:15but at that point, the clock resets,
21:17and it's a mutually agreed-upon 72-hour cooling-off period.
21:21Fine.
21:22Okay.
21:22Terms of endearment, I will accept.
21:24Special someone, main squeeze, gal pal.
21:27I'm never going to say gal pal.
21:28Done.
21:30All right.
21:31Lock the doors.
21:32Let's test the bounds of this agreement.
21:35It's going so well!
21:37Home Alone
21:40Home Alone
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