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00:01Come on, Papadakis.
00:02It's your last lap.
00:03You only have to run a 10-minute mile.
00:06Ugh.
00:06You know what?
00:07Papadakis may have lost 40 pounds,
00:09but he still sweats like a fat body.
00:10What's his time?
00:11He's running 20 seconds behind.
00:13Yeah, but if he's a little over,
00:14you're still gonna pass him
00:15on the Army fitness test, right?
00:16No.
00:17Everybody has to be battle-ready,
00:18including Papadakis.
00:19I want to die!
00:21Please let me die!
00:22You can die, Papadakis!
00:24I believe in you!
00:26He cannot do it.
00:27I do not believe in him.
00:28You know what?
00:29I actually do believe in him.
00:30He just needs the proper motivation.
00:32Major?
00:32Mm-hmm?
00:32Deploy our new recruit.
00:34Yes, sir!
00:35Sergeant Scrapp, go get him!
00:39Operation Who's a Good Boy is a go.
00:44You trained a dog to attack him?
00:49It's a sheep-hurting dog.
00:50It's just gonna nip at his heels.
00:53It's working.
00:54He's still 10 seconds behind, though.
00:55All right, time for Operation Who's a Bad Boy.
00:58All right.
01:00Woo!
01:01Ah!
01:02Ah!
01:03He has gotten insane!
01:05Ah!
01:06Oh, my God!
01:08Oh, my God!
01:09Oh, my God!
01:10Oh, my God!
01:11Oh, my God!
01:11Ah!
01:12Stop running now!
01:13You passed the Army fitness test!
01:15Can't!
01:16They won't stop chasing me!
01:23Oh, my God!
01:38There we go!
01:41Oh, my God!
01:44Oh, my God!
01:45You're my God!
01:46I'm sorry!
01:47Oh, my God!
01:48He took a useless bowling alley and turned it into the best urban training site in all of Europe.
01:53And now Stroopstruck will be known for three things.
01:56Laundry, cheese, and kicking your ass.
02:00Hey, uh, remember when I said when are we going to get General Davidson's permission to build this and you
02:04said, how's he going to find out?
02:05Gwen!
02:06What?
02:06How dare you go behind my back and destroy this beautiful bowling alley?
02:11Well.
02:11I was joining League this year.
02:12We were going to call ourselves the Pin-Up Boys.
02:14What?
02:15Shirts were made.
02:16Shirts?
02:17Are you trying to provoke me?
02:19Sir, we need to stay militarily viable.
02:21I think that's more important than you throwing a few gutter balls on Tuesday nights.
02:25Something you gotta know about me.
02:28I bowl good.
02:30Well, I army good.
02:33I'm considered one of the greatest military minds of my generation, which is why the Quinn Maneuver has been taught
02:38at West Point.
02:39It's not.
02:39What?
02:40Actually, your reverse pencil movement has been removed from the textbook.
02:43Why?
02:43Why would they do that?
02:44Well, let's see.
02:45It was irrelevant, stupid, and reckless, just like you.
02:49I'd rather be all those things than a stupid pin-up boy with a fancy shirt.
02:53Well, I will be here tomorrow with the paratroopers of the 173rd, and together we will teach you about the
03:01chain of command.
03:02Great.
03:03No rules.
03:04Love it.
03:04Double blind.
03:06Fantastic.
03:06Force on force simulated combat.
03:09We look forward to some unfriendly combat competition.
03:13Bring it on, creepo.
03:14Oh, you're thinking that you and your troops will be doing the fighting?
03:17You misunderstand.
03:19I'm bringing in the paratroopers to fight with each other.
03:22Are you telling me you're going to come in here and have an orgy in my living room and make
03:27me listen at the door?
03:28No, actually, I'm going to keep the door open.
03:33It's true.
03:34You've been excised from this year's edition of the West Point textbook and replaced with a picture of a warhorse
03:39like the warhorse in the movie Warhorse.
03:41Which is based on the play Warhorse.
03:43I think it's based on a book.
03:45Warhorse.
03:45Enough with the warhorse, okay?
03:48It's humiliating, sitting, watching combat on my own base while I'm not involved.
03:53Permission to give you a supportive hug, sir.
03:56Yep, you know what?
03:59Nah.
03:59Davidson turned me into a cuck.
04:01He cucked me.
04:01He turned this chair into a cuck chair.
04:03I'm a sitting...
04:04Cuck.
04:04Cuck.
04:05You know what?
04:05No more sitting.
04:06We're getting rid of chairs.
04:07Everybody stands from now on.
04:09Take the stupid book.
04:10Yeah, got it.
04:11On it.
04:12What is a cuck chair?
04:14You think he's going to be okay?
04:16Yeah, he just needs time to process.
04:18Oh, well, that actually sounds kind of healthy.
04:20Oh, no, no, no, no.
04:21Processing is what he calls plotting to destroy your enemy.
04:23Yeah, that sounds more like my dad.
04:25Hey, uh, I know Celeste and I have been checked out, but, um...
04:30Oh, well.
04:30We're looking to hang out again, and I'd love for us all to get together and you two to get
04:33to know each other, maybe?
04:34Unless that's weird.
04:35What?
04:36Weird?
04:37Why would that be weird?
04:40Literally no reason that would be weird.
04:41You're weird.
04:42You're weird.
04:43Being...
04:43Saying that it's...
04:45Weird.
04:46Uh, no, I love Celeste and I love you two together.
04:49I'd love to be with you two together.
04:52Yeah, absolutely.
04:52Great.
04:53All right, let's, uh, let's figure something out then.
04:54Let's get in the cow.
04:55I'm excited.
04:56I'm down.
04:57Looking forward to it.
04:59It's about time.
05:01Ooh, I'm so booked.
05:03I haven't set a date yet.
05:04Well, it's just really nights are hard for me, and only, like, um, only every night.
05:09Well, we could do breakfast, maybe?
05:10Celeste and I get up early every morning, and we run together.
05:13Yeah, no, I've seen you guys.
05:14You'd think it would be really hard for you and your wife to jog and kiss at the same time,
05:18but you guys have really figured it out.
05:21Hey, guys.
05:21I know how to beat Davidson in his own game.
05:23You processed that in under two minutes.
05:25New record, sir?
05:26Listen, he wants no rules combat.
05:28We're gonna give it to him.
05:28All right.
05:29Well, exactly how no rules are you thinking?
05:31Nothing crazy, you know.
05:33The first part's gonna sound like kidnapping, but I checked it out, and legally, we're in
05:36the clear.
05:37Sir, what you're describing is definitely kidnapping.
05:40No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:41Kidnapping is when you take someone against their will and use violence and intimidation
05:45to hold them captive.
05:47The worst you could say about what we're doing is maybe it's waylaying, you know?
05:50Okay, why do you have the legal statute for kidnapping memorized?
05:53Because I'm a patriot.
05:57Uh, why are we in Belgium?
06:00I don't know, man.
06:00My orders were to transport you to the drop-off, and this is the drop-off.
06:04All right, guys.
06:10Whoa, whoa, whoa!
06:11You have all our equipment!
06:14Did we get kidnapped?
06:16I think, technically, we were waylaid.
06:19Holy crap!
06:20He told us we were stealing military supplies, not laser tag gear, dude.
06:24It's not laser tag.
06:25It's force-on-force simulated combat, okay?
06:28In a double-blind exercise, where neither side shares their plan with the other.
06:32Yeah.
06:32So General Davidson's blue team has no idea what red team is up to, like the fact that
06:36we are now red team.
06:37I still don't understand why we want to embarrass ourselves by attacking our direct superior
06:42and his super soldiers.
06:44General Davidson wanted no-rules combat, which means there's no rule we can't play.
06:48And Davidson's trying to cock me, but I'm going to cock him.
06:51That's why.
06:52Colonel?
06:53Yeah?
06:53I volunteer to be the decisive point.
06:55You don't have the experience, and it's not take your daughter to war.
06:58War day?
06:58It actually is.
06:59Literally.
07:00Take your daughter to war day.
07:01And Allison McDaniel never shut up about going to her dad's stupid dairy farm and getting
07:04all of the chocolate milk that she could drink.
07:07This is my chocolate milk.
07:09Okay.
07:10Give me the gun.
07:10No.
07:11Yeah, I'm not running a make-a-wish foundation here, okay?
07:13But I really am the best laser shot that you've got.
07:15It's not?
07:16Laser tag, guys.
07:17How many times do I have to say it?
07:19Soldiers?
07:20Lock and load.
07:25Yeah, I, uh, I think we're playing laser tag.
07:29Yeah.
07:38Jan, disco is canceled.
07:40Honey, they tried to kill the disco in the 80s, but you can never stop the beat.
07:43All right, guys, everybody gather out.
07:47Final briefing.
07:48Major Shaw?
07:49Mm-hmm.
07:50Okay, at 1,400, this flag will start pinging its location.
07:53General Davidson and his blue team, right over here, will begin attacking our position.
07:57Now, for them to win, they have to get their hands on this flag.
08:00For us to win, every one of their soldiers has to be eliminated.
08:04Okay, there's no reason to worry.
08:06This is simulated combat, right?
08:07If you get shot, you get a small shock, your gun and equipment turns off, and then you just walk
08:11right over to the dead tent.
08:12Yeah, about that.
08:13I had Papadakis hack into the sensor system and goose the shock, I don't know, a couple, maybe five levels.
08:18Oh, no.
08:19How bad is this going to hurt?
08:20Somewhere between playing the board game operation and getting tased repeatedly.
08:27Repeatedly?
08:27Listen, it is okay to be scared.
08:30No, no, no.
08:31No, it's not.
08:31They are out there in their tent, scared, too.
08:33They are not scared.
08:34They want to shoot us in the face.
08:36We are soldiers, just like them.
08:38No, we're not.
08:39They are Hall of Fame combat-ready soldiers.
08:42You're dressed like soldiers, but you guys are basically little leaguers sitting on the bench, pulling your putts.
08:46They said those records were sealed.
08:48Listen to me.
08:49Any other day, any other place, we don't stand a chance.
08:51But today, in Stroopstorf, we got them, because we have the element of surprise.
08:57Davidson has no idea we are now the red team.
09:01So stay frosty, because we're going to war in ten minutes.
09:05I do have something in ten minutes.
09:08I'll push it.
09:12Nature.
09:13Mm-hmm.
09:14I volunteer to hold down the situation here in the rear.
09:18Negative.
09:18The colonel has ordered you to be in the first wave.
09:20First wave?
09:21Yep.
09:22First wave.
09:22Uh-huh.
09:22I haven't held a gun since basic.
09:24And the colonel said himself, none of us are really soldiers.
09:27I mean, the new guy is over there pressing flowers in a big-ass book.
09:31He's so strange.
09:32Oh.
09:33Listen, I don't like to be embarrassed.
09:35You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself, because there is nothing to think about.
09:38All right, we've been given an order, and we've got to follow it.
09:41Isn't that freeing?
09:41No.
09:42I've always found it freeing.
09:44Hey, Maggie.
09:46Celeste.
09:46Good to see you.
09:47I'm so happy we finally have a morning hang on the book.
09:50Yes.
09:50Well, tend to do.
09:51Tentative.
09:52I wanted to tell you that I'm kind of a witch, and that I can sense things.
09:57Oh.
09:57You know what I mean?
09:58And I just know that we're going to be such good friends, because we have so much in common.
10:02Sorry, like what?
10:03Well, we both really like Abe?
10:05Oh, no.
10:07No.
10:07Well, sorry.
10:08No, I just mean that I have never liked, or I've never, like, said that.
10:12Oh, my God.
10:13No, that's not what I meant.
10:14Good, good, good.
10:14I just meant, like, the way that he talks about you, you can tell that there's a lot of love
10:18and admiration.
10:20Good.
10:20Kind of like a baby sister.
10:23That's exactly it.
10:25Bless his heart.
10:26Do you mind?
10:26I actually completely forgot I have to go talk to the colonel right now.
10:29Oh, right now?
10:30Yeah.
10:30Mm-hmm.
10:30Excuse me.
10:31Sure.
10:31Hey, FYI, um, I still shoot, you know, long-range, firing at melons, just like I did with you
10:37when I was a kid.
10:38Mm-hmm.
10:38You know, the cantaloupe you kill yourself always tastes sweeter.
10:40You taught me that, right?
10:41Okay, what do you want?
10:42Let me be the decisive point.
10:44No.
10:45It's Shaw.
10:46He's got the most combat experience.
10:47Okay, well, Shaw is distracted.
10:50Are they staring into each other's eyes?
10:53Yes, they do that.
10:54Yeah, you know, he did ask me to make sure that Celeste was kept close to him during the maneuvers.
10:57Well, that's so he could focus on her instead of the mission.
11:00As opposed to me, who has nothing, will only focus on the mission.
11:04Congratulations.
11:05You're the decisive point.
11:06Congratulations to you.
11:08You just guaranteed yourself a victory.
11:09All right, well, let's go out there and get some melon shots.
11:12I'm going to turn those paratroopers into an edible arrangement.
11:16Split the blue team into Alpha and Bravo squads and prepare for enemy contact.
11:20General, we have a ping from the flag 10 meters from the entrance of the training site.
11:26What are you doing, soldier?
11:27Being in the first wave reminds me of this scene in Saving Private Ryan.
11:30You know, the one where everyone immediately gets mowed down.
11:33Yeah, I love that scene.
11:36I was looking for some reassurance.
11:38Soldier, my reassurance is standing right next to you.
11:40Because I would never ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself.
11:43And you always come out fine.
11:44Oh, yeah.
11:45I mean, I get shot a lot.
11:46I have three purple hearts.
11:47That's too many.
11:48I'm sorry, sir.
11:49No, no, no.
11:50You can't embarrass me.
11:51It's one of my biggest strengths.
11:52I refuse to be embarrassed.
11:54Okay.
11:55Yep.
11:56It allows me to do the impossible.
11:59Bravo team, cut the power.
12:00Alpha team, prepare to breach the training center.
12:05All right, soldiers, see you on the beach.
12:23The flag is in that shipping container.
12:33I'm blinded.
12:34All right, what's going on?
12:36I can't see anything.
12:37The flag, it's on the door.
12:38Let it go.
12:39Grab the door.
12:46Shoot, shoot, shoot.
13:05It was the wrong shipping container.
13:07Alpha team is down.
13:08Alpha team is down.
13:09Bravo team, prepare for answering.
13:12Follow me.
13:13Second square, sir.
13:18Go, go, go.
13:19All right, decisive point.
13:20You're up.
13:22Take them out.
13:23I got them.
13:31Millen shot.
13:34Millen shot.
13:36Millen shot.
13:38Millen shot.
13:40Woo!
13:42No wonder my dad never came home.
13:47Whoa.
13:48Judging by how many of you guys wet your pants,
13:50I definitely goose the shock too much.
14:01I've had about enough of you, witch.
14:09Oh, no.
14:10Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:12Oh, no, no, no, no.
14:14Well, that made it weird.
14:17That made it weird.
14:19Red surrounded blue from the middle like some sort of reverse pincer movement.
14:23But that's impossible.
14:26That's the Quinn maneuver.
14:36All right, guys, hey, listen up, guys.
14:39That was an amazing day out there.
14:41But before we really get crazy, I wanted to just take this time
14:45to single out today's MVP.
14:48Yep, this is somebody who really put on a great performance
14:52today without whom couldn't have done what we did.
14:55Ladies and gentlemen, Scraps.
14:57Where are you, Scraps?
14:58Come here, baby.
15:00Oh, yeah, there you are.
15:01Take a bow.
15:02Take a bow.
15:03Scraps, come here.
15:04Aw.
15:05Are you proud of anyone else as well?
15:07Well, yeah, no, I mean, I'm proud of all you guys
15:09in a very general, non-specific way.
15:12Come on, let's go start the Scraps.
15:13Let's get something to eat.
15:14OK, hey, you know that I took out half
15:18of the blue team single-handedly, so.
15:19Well, we'll find out, because I'll check all the gun data,
15:21and we'll see just how many melons you hit.
15:22Sorry, what now?
15:24The gun data?
15:25Yeah, yeah, that's why we do all the electronic BS.
15:27We have, like, we can track everybody.
15:29Every single shot.
15:30Yeah, you have to do that.
15:31Right, because of?
15:32Well, that's how you find out if there was any friendly fire,
15:34because you can't have that.
15:35It's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve here.
15:38Yeah.
15:38All right, have a good time.
15:39All right.
15:40OK.
15:46Hey, uh, that was awesome.
15:49That was awesome.
15:50Can I, uh, one second?
15:51Do you mind?
15:52Yeah.
15:53I just want to make sure that there's no way that the blue team
15:56could, like, erase their data if they wanted to.
16:00Well, they could try to reset their device with a paperclip.
16:04Paperclip.
16:04See, that'll bring you back from the dead and wipe the most recent game.
16:08You know what?
16:09I think I'll call West Point and tell them my maneuver worked again,
16:12and it's time to put it back into the textbook for next year.
16:14General Davidson's on the line.
16:15Probably.
16:16Ready to wave the white flag.
16:17General.
16:18You may have defeated my blue team, but I know your plan now,
16:21and I just took command of the real red team.
16:24What?
16:25They're supposed to be waylaid.
16:27Oh, my God.
16:28What is the real red team doing back here?
16:30The Dutch bus system is very comprehensive.
16:32This is why public transportation should be illegal.
16:36All right.
16:36You know what we're gonna do?
16:38We're gonna flank them.
16:39We go out the back door so we don't get shot and end up in the dead tent.
16:43Don't even worry about that.
16:44You guys, you know what?
16:45What?
16:46I'm gonna take care of these guys single-handedly.
16:49No, don't do that.
16:49I hope I don't get shot.
16:50No, no, no.
16:51Contact!
17:03Hey.
17:04Oh, my God.
17:04Maggie.
17:05Thank God.
17:05I'm so happy you're here.
17:07Wow.
17:07They really, uh, recreated the stench of death in here.
17:11Oh, yes.
17:12That is urine.
17:13A lot of these guys peed themselves, and they're being really dramatic about it.
17:19Meanwhile, I'm the only one on my team that got shot, so I'm mortified.
17:23Well, let me take a look, because your equipment might have, like, malfunctioned.
17:27No, I don't think so.
17:28Well, I check.
17:28It happens.
17:29I doubted.
17:29I was yelling pew, pew, pew the whole time while I was firing.
17:33I just wanted to impress you.
17:35You know, I wanted to impress all of Abe's friends, because he's made this place home,
17:38and I was hoping it would be mine, too.
17:46Look.
17:48I got shot on purpose, so I could come in here and reset you.
17:52With me?
17:53Yeah.
17:54You could reset me, and then we'll both have a second chance.
17:57Okay.
18:00Let's go earn it.
18:02Let's do it.
18:03It also seems like coo in some areas.
18:06Yeah.
18:06Someone did that as well.
18:09Oh, God.
18:11Ooh.
18:15Sir?
18:15Hmm?
18:16I found one.
18:17Ha!
18:19Soldiers!
18:19It's time for the resurrection.
18:28It's time for the resurrection.
18:28Back, back, back.
18:29David's blue team is back from the dead.
18:36Uh, so we were trying to flank them, then they flanked us.
18:39So two flanks is an equal opposite reaction.
18:43I'm really scared.
18:44Listen up, soldiers.
18:45As your leader, I cannot put you in harm's way.
18:48Okay.
18:49I know this is a fake war, but I will not let you fake die.
18:54I think, unfortunately, since we're surrounded by Davidson's red and blue team, I'm going
18:58to have to real surrender.
19:00Sir?
19:01I would have never passed the army fitness test if it weren't for you believing in me
19:06enough to chase me with that knife.
19:08And I wouldn't have found out I'm a stone cold laser killer if you hadn't put this gun
19:13in my hand.
19:15We got this far because you believed in us.
19:17Let's finish this thing together.
19:19And Quinn's never surrendered.
19:24You know what?
19:25Sergeant Scraps is right.
19:26We're still in this thing.
19:31The mirror bomb.
19:36Guess what?
19:37Major Shah and I have just hatched the plan.
19:40Hey, Jan.
19:40Yes?
19:41We're going to need your help with the dramatic costume change.
19:43I have been preparing for this moment my whole life.
19:51Well, well, well.
19:52General, is this the closest you've ever been to the front lines?
19:55You are the only soldier I have ever known to take such pride in being shot.
20:01Well, three purple hearts is one of the things I do best.
20:04Well, I'm excited to see it for myself.
20:06I'm sure you are.
20:09Soldier, your weapon?
20:10Any last words?
20:12I think just one.
20:16Fire.
20:19Okay.
20:20Any last words?
20:20Here, I hear out.
20:26You won your gun.
20:28No.
20:30You won your gun.
20:32To death.
20:33Damn you!
20:36Your gun.
20:38I don't want you're inос500s.
20:39Your gun.
20:40Nothing!
20:41Proves that the quim maneuver works twice, sir.
20:43Sorry.
20:44We won after being surrounded three times.
20:46Yeah.
20:46You still got it.
20:48Yeah.
20:49Must.
20:51Not urinating.
20:59This whole thing's made me realize I am, like, in the Army.
21:02Yes!
21:03Finally!
21:04It's been four years.
21:05Now, that was a great day you had.
21:07Amazing day.
21:09I was very proud of you.
21:10Especially when you shot Celeste in the melon.
21:15Okay.
21:15How did you?
21:16I'm sorry.
21:16Don't worry.
21:17I would've shot her.
21:18I've seen him kissing and running, too.
21:19Why did you?
21:20I know.
21:20It's so gross.
21:22Disgusting.
21:23Like, so much loose tongue.
21:25Ugh!
21:28My lord.
21:29More alike than I thought.
21:32Yeah.
21:32Here's to us.
21:34Hating loose tongue.
21:36It's going so well!
21:40Where are the tales shouldn't be, feelin?
21:40Go.
21:42Go.
21:42T-rever.
21:42Go.
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