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00:01Let's go!
00:02Duh!
00:03She has no recollection of the last eight years.
00:05Bring it on!
00:06I came here to help you!
00:07Kitchen Nightmares.
00:08Are you in?
00:09And going Dutch.
00:12First guns I've seen on the base.
00:14All available now.
00:20All right.
00:22What the hell?
00:23Captain, what are these Dutch civilian workers doing?
00:26It's like they're doing nothing.
00:27Exactly.
00:27It is the Dutch art form of Nixon,
00:31which is the art of doing nothing.
00:33The Dutch really have it all figured out.
00:34Incoming!
00:35Oh.
00:36Sorry.
00:36I love this Nixon thing.
00:39It's just the mental health break I needed.
00:40Seriously.
00:42Okay.
00:43You suck at Hacky Sack, Colonel.
00:45But that's good for my mental health.
00:46Bye-bye.
00:47Dutch laziness thing is a virus
00:49and it's now spreading to my soldiers.
00:51Gotta be stopped.
00:52Major, get on that.
00:52Changing entire country's work ethic.
00:54I'm on it.
00:55We're gonna have to, okay?
00:56I need to get this base to the point where it's 100% American.
00:58Not every place should be America.
01:01That attitude is why you won't be speaking at my funeral.
01:05What the hell is this?
01:08Hi, Colonel.
01:08Your aura right now is red, orange and pulsing.
01:11Oy.
01:12Is my Dutch translator high at work?
01:15No.
01:16But I was high because I was at a rate all night.
01:19But I'm coming down very slowly.
01:21Too slowly.
01:22So I'm just trying to hoop it all out.
01:26Oh, I can't believe I get to say this.
01:28What?
01:29You're fired!
01:30Oh, my God.
01:31This must be what it feels like to do cocaine.
01:33Because my whole body is tingling right now.
01:35If you want to find out, I know just the right person.
01:37Sir, you can't fire him.
01:38All Dutch citizens employed for over three years are basically tenured.
01:42Hmm.
01:43Let me tell you something, pal.
01:44I don't know how, I don't know when, but I do know why.
01:47You are everything that's wrong with this culture.
01:49So when I can your ass, all these Dutch workers are gonna learn a lesson.
01:52Okay.
01:52What?
01:53What are you doing?
01:54Why are you still hooping?
01:55Because I already did the crime.
01:57So I might as well enjoy my time.
01:59I'll see you later, Connie.
02:22Look at them enjoying the sun like total psychos.
02:25For law, I regret to inform you that it's almost impossible to fire someone in the Netherlands.
02:29Even a substandard employee gets three strikes.
02:32And then I can fire his Dutch ass?
02:33Uh, you actually have to hire a mediator.
02:36I don't know, Jan's hula drug binge?
02:37That was only a second strike.
02:38Wait till you hear how many sick days they get.
02:41Unlimited.
02:42I thought that was a typo.
02:43That's crazy.
02:44How many sick days did you take last year?
02:45Zero.
02:46Yeah, I love America.
02:47And Dayquil.
02:48Mm-hmm.
02:49Few.
02:49How many days off do these Dutch deadbeats need?
02:52I mean, don't they know nothing is more important than work?
02:54I mean, nothing.
02:56Dad, when you say nothing is more important than work, I am the nothing in that sentence.
03:01Oh, yeah.
03:02A lot of people in kitchen artwork, in beach houses, would say that family is more important than work.
03:09Unlike you, the Dutch understand a work-life balance.
03:12Let's not go crazier.
03:12Let's remember, work is the engine that keeps our nation running.
03:15And I'm not going to let these Dutch layabouts rub their stinky cheese all over that.
03:19I'm going to wait for Jan to screw up one more time, and then I'm going to nail his hairless
03:23hide to the wall.
03:25Not this wall, because that's my general patent wall.
03:34No, no.
03:35Get down to the basement of me!
03:37Are you severely hurt?
03:39Uh, um, I don't know.
03:42Well, look what we have here.
03:44You just ran over an American soldier.
03:47Strike three.
03:49Gotcha, bitch.
03:59Okay.
04:00Name.
04:00Mm-hmm.
04:02Name, please.
04:03I'm Henrik.
04:04I'm, uh, to lead the mediation for you.
04:06It's funny, but I must be in the wrong room.
04:09No, no, no, Henrik.
04:10You are the judge.
04:11You are right on time.
04:12We've been waiting for you.
04:13No, I'm not the judge.
04:14I'm Henrik.
04:15So, mediator?
04:17Why do you have an audience?
04:18Oh, well, this is the colonel, and he, uh, I'm not the judge.
04:20He made attendance compulsory for all Dutch employees.
04:22Yeah, you can't really have a courtroom trial without some murmuring, you know what I mean?
04:25Yeah, but it's not a trial.
04:26It's a mediation.
04:26I know, but I thought we'd jazz it up with a little American razzmatazz, you know?
04:30You ever see, uh, A Few Good Men?
04:31Of course.
04:32It's, uh, Piek Sarkin.
04:34Yes, great movie with a timeless message.
04:36Yeah, speaking truth to power.
04:38No, no, no, no.
04:39That's not the message.
04:39The message is keeping the code reds at a distance and probably making sure you have a separate guy to
04:44handle the code reds.
04:45Anyway, it doesn't matter.
04:46You're still in charge, and you get to use one of these.
04:50Oh, American law hammer.
04:52It's your American law hammer.
04:54Oh, I like that.
04:55Yeah.
04:55And thank you, sir.
04:56You're welcome.
04:57Oh, okay, it looks like a viking.
04:59Why did you get on that hammer?
05:00Now he's still working.
05:05You don't think this is a bit much?
05:07His methods may be unconventional, but he really inspires people to work hard.
05:11I mean, look at me.
05:12I spent all night prepping for this case, and you can't even tell.
05:15Your eye is twitching.
05:16Your eye is twitching.
05:18Well, Jan is late for his own trial.
05:21How very Dutch of him.
05:23Where is he, this Scandinavian tweet?
05:26Hello, everyone.
05:29Wow.
05:30Is everyone here for me?
05:32Well, listen, life just a spectacle.
05:33Oh, I'm a big fan of runway, as you know.
05:35You're wearing that shirt, by the way.
05:37Let the trial of Jan begin.
05:42Ladies and gentlemen, I think we all know why we're here.
05:46It is because I'm quite the character, yes?
05:48No, no.
05:49You are lazy and incompetent.
05:51It's these insane Dutch labor laws that require three strikes before termination.
05:56Strike one.
05:57Six months ago, when Jan turned a broom closet into his own personal steam room, we had to burn the
06:01towel.
06:02Strike two.
06:03We had to burn the hula hoop.
06:05Jan's third strike came yesterday when he recklessly and with malice drove his bike into private VA.
06:11That's not what happened at all, Mr. Colonel.
06:15Really?
06:15Yes.
06:16Enlighten me.
06:16The only reason I hit private dummy is because he is a dummy.
06:22I was just riding around, you know, enjoying the attention of the sun, when he walked in front of me,
06:28flailing around without looking.
06:30I tried to stop in time, but I couldn't.
06:33But I cannot blame him, because he has been failed by the third world American education system.
06:39He does not know that in this country, bicycles always have the right of way.
06:45All he understands is American cars and the beep beep, honk honk.
06:51I'm done talking.
06:53Your Honor, Jan has just admitted to hitting the victim.
06:58And all Jan has to say for himself is beep beep, honk honk.
07:03I repeat, ladies and gentlemen, beep beep, honk honk.
07:13Wow, that's good.
07:17Captain Nagy, do you think you could help me?
07:20Jan, I'm not a lawyer.
07:22Yes, but you are the only one who can speak up to him.
07:25Well, he's insane. I wish I could help.
07:27First they came after the Hula Hoopers, and you did not speak up, because you were not a Hooper.
07:33Then they came for the trade unionists.
07:35No, no, no, no, stop.
07:35Stop, that's awful.
07:36That was inappropriate?
07:37Yeah, don't.
07:37Yeah, okay. I'm just not very good at defending myself.
07:40Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time for you to say goodbye to your precious families,
07:44because I'm about to introduce a concept that we call in America, overtime.
07:50Ho, ho, ho. Scared murmur is the best kind.
07:55If you're not going to do this for me, do it for all the Dutch mamas and papas who work
07:59here at Stroopstorf,
08:00and the tiny little Dutch children in the tiny little wooden shoes.
08:07I object.
08:08To the murmurs? I found the hushed whispers appropriate. And who are you?
08:13I'm Captain Margaret Quinn, Colonel Quinn's daughter, and Jan's new defense lawyer.
08:29Americans are so good at raspy jazz.
08:35Jan, what's your last name?
08:37It's one of life's mysteries, isn't it?
08:39Yes, yep.
08:41Captain, I would like to formally join your law firm.
08:44This trial seems fun as hell, and you know I love committing to the bed.
08:47Do you know anything about law?
08:49Yes. I grew up watching reruns of Law & Order every night.
08:51There's always two lawyers, one who talks, one who slides in papers.
08:55Mm-hmm. It's true.
08:56I want to slide your papers.
09:01Fine.
09:03This is an open-and-shut case.
09:06There are only two witnesses to the crime.
09:08The perpetrator and the victim.
09:10So you have to ask yourself, who can you trust?
09:13I recall to the stand, Jan.
09:16Huh?
09:17Let's go.
09:18Jan, my associate has handed me a file with some troubling information for you.
09:25Would you like to tell me what these are?
09:28Oh, yes. This is just my request for paternity leave.
09:31And that's my other request for paternity leave.
09:34So you took two fully paid paternity leaves in a four-month period.
09:39Your Honor, I'm no expert at the female reproductive system, but this is obvious fraud.
09:44And if this man would lie about the sanctity of fatherhood, he could lie about anything.
09:54Captain?
09:56Jan, are you familiar with the term polycule?
10:01Yes, I am.
10:02A polycule is when three or more people are connected in an intimate relationship.
10:07My polycule is me, my wife, Micah, and her girlfriend, Renata.
10:12What, this guy got his own Manson family?
10:14Yeah, he's the one with the weird family.
10:16It is possible for you to lawfully take two paternity leaves within six months.
10:21Oh, God, yes.
10:21First, I fathered a child with my wife, Micah, and I took full paternity leave.
10:26Then three months later, my wife's girlfriend, Renata, gave birth to her boyfriend's child,
10:30and again, I took full paternity leave.
10:32All above board.
10:33In fact, my entire family is right here to support me today.
10:38Objection, Your Honor.
10:39He's having sex with multiple women, and he's some kind of a bigamist.
10:44No, sir, I'm going to stop you right there, Colonel.
10:46Um, I'm not sleeping with either of them.
10:48Oh, no, Colonel, my sexual proclivities are far more challenging and complicated than this simple arrangement.
10:55Take that.
10:59Yes.
11:00Renata's always so hungry.
11:03Your Honor, I need a ten-minute...
11:05Fifteen.
11:06Fifteen-minute recess.
11:07I need to walk this off.
11:12Private BA, thank you for being here today.
11:15Please tell us what happened on that fateful day.
11:17I was working out at the gym, leg day, and after that, I saw Yan riding at me.
11:23There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
11:24Who are you going to trust?
11:25A dirty, filthy liar, or an American hero devoted to fitness?
11:31You're a witness, Captain.
11:34BA.
11:35You gotta let me question him.
11:36I know BA better than anyone.
11:38I can crack open his melon head and suck out the truth juice.
11:41Okay.
11:43Be cool.
11:44I wouldn't do it any other way.
11:49B.A.
11:51Is lying!
11:52He was never at the gym and I can prove it.
11:54I knew there was someone fishy about his story.
11:56So I went to the gym and I talked to the guy that owns the gym or runs the gym,
12:00I don't know what it is.
12:01But he told me the leg machine had been broken for days.
12:04So if he wasn't able to squat, well, justice must be sought.
12:12Bro, we promised we wouldn't keep secrets from each other.
12:15We pinky promised, Your Honor.
12:16I guess that doesn't mean anything anymore.
12:18I guess a man's pinky isn't his bond anymore.
12:24I am lying, okay?
12:25I'm covering something up.
12:26Something really, really, really big.
12:28Blew the damn case wide open!
12:31I object, Your Honor.
12:33To what?
12:33To the fact that this is really bad for our case.
12:37If you guys want the truth, you have to ask Conway.
12:39She was there.
12:42A third witness?
12:44Okay, fine, y'all got me.
12:45I was there.
12:48Okay, we get the idea.
12:51All right, Conway.
12:52Now that you're done lying to everybody, want to tell us what really happened?
12:55We were filming a TikTok.
12:57I turned BA into a minor celebrity in Malaysia.
13:00He's known as Leather Pants Man.
13:03People just love to watch him dance in leather pants.
13:05And they really love it when it's hot outside.
13:07I don't get it, but I'm making a ton of money getting him to advertise for a local soda that
13:11has nicotine in it.
13:12Why would you hide that from me?
13:13I would love a soda with nicotine in it.
13:15Because we knew you would want to join in.
13:16And you're a terrible dancer.
13:18That evidence is false and effamatory.
13:20Here's my rebuttal.
13:22Jan, give me a beat.
13:24Yes.
13:24Jan, please.
13:26Papa Takis dropping.
13:36Oh, your honor.
13:39I would like to enter into evidence, Leather Pants Man's latest video, which I like to call the smoking gun.
13:48Whoo-hoo!
13:53Get down to the bank!
13:56Aye, aye, aye.
13:58Hmm.
13:59I guess now would be the time for a lesser man to gloat.
14:04Oh, is this not gloating?
14:05Oh, no, no, no.
14:05This is not gloating.
14:08This is gloating.
14:10Bye-bye, young.
14:13Once we win this case, we're gonna take Stroopstorf right back to the days when work came number one.
14:18Remember that?
14:19How could I not?
14:20Working that hard caused my separation.
14:22You know my wife actually named you in our divorce?
14:24I know. I thought that was really nice of her.
14:26We will reconvene tomorrow morning. After that, I will make my decision.
14:29But it is not looking super good for your honor.
14:41Maggie, too young, I'm sorry, but I had to post it. It was internet gold.
14:45It's fine.
14:47Oh, little ones.
14:49Don't worry. Papa will just be home, Mom.
14:52Okay?
14:53There just won't be as much food on the table.
14:56However, Renata will always have enough to eat, yes?
15:00Everything will be fine.
15:04Thanks for meeting me.
15:05The Colonel can't know that I'm helping you.
15:06I just feel so guilty about blowing up your case.
15:08Hmm.
15:09You know the last time I took a day off?
15:10It was the day my wife filed for a divorce.
15:13Your father said, and I quote,
15:14you have 24 hours to suck it up.
15:16Yeah, he said that to me when I got my period.
15:18But look, there's no helping us, okay?
15:21It's over.
15:21Jan clearly ran into B.A.
15:23Video can't show everything.
15:25What are you talking about?
15:26Okay, the Colonel's American agenda started the day he set foot on Stroopstorf.
15:31Follow the money.
15:32Follow the money?
15:34Follow the money.
15:34Do you think I'm a gumshoe?
15:36Gumshoe?
15:36Why don't you actually just take the stand and say all the things that you know in your brain?
15:40Well, then I'd have to tell the truth.
15:41And then the Colonel couldn't be mad at me for telling the truth.
15:43He couldn't punish me for telling the truth.
15:44So then I think we both win it.
15:46Wait.
15:46You heard that.
15:48Look, my dad's crazy, but he's not like crazy.
15:50You're not like stuck with a knife.
15:52Yeah, I'm just being paranoid.
16:00Your Honor, I would like to call Major Abraham Shaw to the stand.
16:11I'd like to call Major Shaw to the stand.
16:14Your Honor.
16:15Major Shaw is taking a vacation day.
16:18I ordered him to attend a local spa.
16:20So he will not be appearing today.
16:23Oh, okay.
16:25We want to see where the creek leads.
16:27I do want to see where the creek leads.
16:29It led to bunnies.
16:31It led to bunnies.
16:32Objection.
16:33The Colonel is clearly trying to prevent a key witness from testifying.
16:38I've ruled.
16:39The Major is entitled to a vacation.
16:41If that's all you've got, Captain, I'm ready to get my ruling.
16:48I have one more witness.
16:51Colonel Patrick Quinn.
16:54My God.
16:55Even I'm murmuring now.
17:03Maggie, are you sure you want to do this?
17:05Calling your dad to the stand could have, like, real Costco.
17:07I know.
17:08Shaw was going to testify to my dad's involvement.
17:10And now that he can't, Shaw said, follow the money.
17:14Look, if you really want to follow the money, you should get behind me.
17:17The nicotine soda industry has deep pockets.
17:19Go to the office and get all of the financial documents.
17:22Okay.
17:23I will do that.
17:24I will do that.
17:25Oh, my God.
17:26These baseball chairs are getting real janky.
17:39Your Honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile.
17:42He hasn't said anything yet.
17:44She's right.
17:44I'm going to be hostile.
17:46Can you state your name, rank, and favorite reality show for the court?
17:51Might I remind you, you are under oath.
17:53Colonel Patrick Quinn, 90-day fiancé.
17:56I love when the uggo wants the green card, because then they've got to get creative.
17:59Sir, am I correct in saying you've never taken a day off?
18:01I believe in protecting America's freedom 24-7, 365.
18:06Major Shaw isn't a fan of vacation days, either.
18:09Strange.
18:10He would take a day off during such an important trial.
18:12I can only imagine he'll hate it as much as I would, because he's a red-blooded American male.
18:17Best day of my life!
18:19This is the best day of my life!
18:21Sir, is it fair to say that you hate Jan?
18:24No.
18:25I wouldn't lend him a hand if he was drowning in a bathtub of lube at one of his own
18:30deviant orgies.
18:31I don't hate Jan.
18:33But you think it's ridiculous that he puts his family before work, do you not?
18:36I think he's getting cucked six ways to Sunday, yes.
18:39Oof!
18:40Well, that's just one piece of my sexual puzzle.
18:43But it's a corner piece.
18:44Sir, would you prefer he worked nonstop and became a terrible father like, say, you?
18:53Why are they murmuring?
18:54That's not murmurable.
18:56You don't have to answer that question.
18:57No, no.
18:58I'll answer, Your Honor.
19:00If I was such a terrible father, why did you turn out the way you did?
19:03High school valedictorian, West Point graduate, hell of a fake lawyer.
19:06I think having a father with such a strong work ethic allowed you to achieve the things you have.
19:11You want credit for my success.
19:13I think I'm entitled.
19:14You must be proud of me.
19:15I did the job.
19:17Are you proud of me?
19:18I did the job.
19:19Answer the question!
19:20I'm very proud of you!
19:24That felt good.
19:26Almost as good as I imagined it.
19:27Your Honor, she tricked me.
19:29Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
19:31What does this have to do with the bike accident?
19:33Nothing.
19:33I was just stalling.
19:34Until I got these.
19:36This is the basis budget the year before you took command.
19:40The amount allotted toward base bike share repair is 20,000 euro.
19:45This is the budget after you took command.
19:47Do you care to share with the court how much money you allotted toward bicycle repair?
19:51Zero euros.
19:52Earlier, my client testified.
19:55I tried to stop in time, but I couldn't.
19:58Therefore, Colonel, Jan's brakes were faulty due to your very American budget cuts on this Dutch base.
20:04We all saw the video with our own eyes.
20:07You can throw all the numbers you want at it, but we still know what we saw.
20:11You're right. That's why I'm gonna need you to ride this.
20:16Your Honor, I would like to enter Jan's bicycle into evidence.
20:20I will definitely allow it, yes.
20:24We just need you to reach Jan's alleged speed at the time of the crash.
20:28Pump the brakes and stop.
20:31Not a problem.
20:33Seems to work pretty good.
20:37Yes.
20:38Stupid.
20:39Thanks.
20:41Jan's brakes failed, and that's why the accident happened.
20:45The Colonel's gross negligence towards bike repair was the cause.
20:48I rest my case.
20:49I have reached the verdict.
20:51Jan is not guilty of this third strike, and his employment continues indefinitely.
21:01Oh, wow.
21:05Nice job.
21:06Oh.
21:07So you're proud of me.
21:09Listen, I just gave you one that's gonna tide you over till my deathbed.
21:17This is Charlie.
21:18Wow.
21:19He likes yoga, nature walks.
21:21Gotta say, a work-life balance looks good on you.
21:26You know, actually, I thought about taking another day off in six months.
21:29And look at this guy over here.
21:31Just trying Nixon.
21:35It's nice doing nothing, huh, Dad?
21:38I'm doing something.
21:39I'm making a list of my enemies.
21:41Okay, well, you've been silent for like ten minutes.
21:44It's a long list.
21:46It's going so well!
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