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00:10I want to thank you for allowing me to use USAG Strubstorf to announce my candidacy for
00:16Buhermeister. And you can thank me personally once you are the Burger Easter.
00:24Do we know why she wants to announce her candidacy here? It's pretty obvious.
00:28What? Like, you know, like when a woman leaves an earring at a guy's apartment? That's her version.
00:33She needs to prance in here looking fine in that pantsuit for me. What is it with you in pantsuits?
00:38Come on, they're monochrome, buttons in all the right places. They have nothing in the imagination,
00:43although I'm silly in my imagination. Patia is not here to flirt with you. Oh, really? She hasn't even
00:51talked to you in like three months. Maggie, you don't know women the way that I know women.
01:00I don't know what she's saying. She said something about boy bands, maybe? I don't.
01:05Unbelievable, you guys. Learn the language. Okay. She's saying... I heard giraffe.
01:11Oh, really? You heard... Why would she be talking about... Jan, can you translate? Because
01:15I don't want to miss any compliments. This is back. Affle container. So she said that she
01:21discovered that the colonels closed the base's bowling alley. Bowling ban? The bowling alley
01:26was the heartbeat of Stroopstorff Village. And she vows to fight the American oppressors
01:31who introduced the sport to the villages only to rip it away like heartless savages.
01:37This is an ambush. You know, don't worry about it. The people here love the base.
01:40We have the Yuli. USA! USA! See? Nah, your goose is cooked. Yeah. She just asked,
01:46who do you hate? Everyone hates you. USA!
01:49USA! Hey, Katja! Listen. I know you're mad at me. And I know why. Because you need to hear
02:18a couple of words from me. I'm so very willing to take you back. Okay? So, clean slate. Start
02:30over. And can you just get up there now and call the dogs off? All right? Your absolute
02:37non-apology is meaningless. You've exploited our relationship and my trust. Why would I take
02:43you back? Because women do it all the time. Normally with me. Patrick. What?
02:47I have too much self-respect to be in a relationship with you again. But this pantsuit?
02:55Yeah? Yeah. This was for them. Not for you.
03:01Yeah. Okay. Wow.
03:03Did she see that? Yeah. Embarrassing. She's still so in love with me. It's unbelievable.
03:09Yeah. It's certainly embarrassing. And did you catch the pantsuit? You know what I'm saying
03:13now? I mean, I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him leave. Okay. We've got to
03:17start creating boundaries.
03:23Oh, my God. Look at this Katja announcement. The comments are insane. People are saying the
03:27bowling alley was considered a sacred third space. Yeah. I mean, if I'd known that, I would've
03:31closed it a lot sooner. And that is why they call you the doivel. You know what? Been called the
03:37devil in six different languages. I'm proud to add a seventh. Just a suggestion. But maybe
03:42you could consider focusing on de-escalating the situation. Honey, that's not a real thing.
03:49I know it's a word, but it's not a real thing. Words are words because they are things. In the
03:54U.S. military, we do not de-escalate. We escalate and escalate until we can't escalate anymore.
03:59Somebody wins. Somebody loses. In this case, she lost. She lost something. She'll never be able
04:04to get back again. That's what happened to her. You? Moa. That's why she's lashing out. That's
04:09why I have to escalate before she escalates. Ah! Did you see that? Escalation.
04:20I love how Maggie decorated this place. You know what? I don't know if it's the runner's
04:24eye, but let's split a croissant. What? A carby, messy breakfast? I don't recognize my own husband.
04:34Ah. Was everything okay? Yes and no. Um, there's something I need to talk to you about. When we
04:43were separated, I made what, uh, in hindsight were some, uh, questionable financial decisions because
04:50I was in a lot of pain. Like how much pain? I bought a boat with Terrence. The guy you
04:56dated
04:56for like three months? Yeah. Okay, but you don't even sail. I don't. I was just, uh, using
05:00it for recreational activities. Like water skiing? Like, uh, recreational activities on a boat.
05:09Oh my god, a sex boat? I was in a bad place, okay? You think? I was in a weird
05:14time in my
05:15life. Yeah. I, uh, watched a lot of, uh, is it cake on the dark web, and when it's not
05:20cake,
05:21you really wish it were cake. Okay, so what's the interest rate? Four. Four. Forty. Forty percent?
05:28Fine, this is my problem. My debt. I'm gonna handle it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If we're
05:34gonna make it work, we have to be a team this time, okay? Okay. We're gonna pay it off together
05:38ASAP. Wow. You really are the best. You are the best. And I can make smarter money choices.
05:44Like, just coffee. I don't need fancy, expensive coffees. I'm gonna try matcha. Right now?
05:51Thanks. Oh, hey, Conway, if you got any one of those hustles going on, provided it's completely
05:56legal, count me possibly in. Look, I just don't work with friends. Good luck, though.
06:02Yo, Shaw, I couldn't help but overhear about your money troubles with your wife's sex boat. Okay,
06:08Corporal, could you please stop saying sex boat? Pleasure cruise? Bang raft? Rub and tug boat?
06:13One more, and you're in the stocking. Well, you're lucky I only had those. Look,
06:16I have always wanted to do one of Conway's schemes. Guess what? We don't need her. I know one of
06:21her
06:21contacts. His name starts with a B or something. Either way, he's a transport pilot. Dude will hook
06:26me up at cost. No import fees or taxes. I am talking wine. Watches, sneakers, salamis. Set up a meeting
06:33if you want. They had a lot of different matches, so I got one of each. Let's set up that
06:39meeting.
06:39Okay. What are you doing? It's getting too close. Haven't you ever tailed a kid before?
06:44No. He's definitely a child soldier. Look at the unpredictable path he's taking.
06:48That's called skipping. No, it's called him being on a recon mission.
06:52Bram, what do you do? What the hell is this?
06:55It's the town farmer's market. It must have really expanded.
06:57What are you doing on U.S. property, huh? We use the bathrooms over here.
07:01Oh, great, great. So you hate us, but you come over here to use our bathrooms. Let me tell you
07:05something. America didn't become the number one country in the history of countries just
07:09so you could go number two wherever you want. America's only number one in obesity and health
07:14care costs. Hey, and roller coasters. Yeah, and roller coasters. So get the hell out of here.
07:19Back in through the hole. Tell your friends if they come near this hole, I'm going to shoot them.
07:26Yeah, that's right, kid. I'm the devil. Go tell your parents.
07:31All right, what do we got? Watches, purses, salamis. Even better.
07:39Lobsters. What? Bougie, right?
07:42What are you doing? You never mention live animals. Okay, when lobsters die, they're worthless.
07:48What are we going to do now? Well, step number one, we're going to relax.
07:52Okay, we're going to be fine. We're going to be fine. Selling these lobsters is going to be
07:55as easy as selling lobsters to a... To a... I don't know. Yeah.
08:02Man, I don't know who to sell them to. I don't know how to sell them. Okay, this could be
08:05easier.
08:06It could be very, very hard. I don't even know how to cook the things. All right? I don't know
08:09what I'm
08:10doing, man. I'm way in the room of my head. Okay, listen. As a reasonable person who's grounded in
08:15reality... That's what we need right now. Yep. I am spinning.
08:18And I am out. No, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, man.
08:22I don't get your half. That guy's breaking my legs. He's not going to break your legs.
08:28He's definitely going to break your legs. You're the logistics genius.
08:32Okay, okay.
08:35Lobster market price. Market price. Farmer's market. That's it. We can sell them at the
08:39farmer's market. The base. We can unload them.
08:41Okay. Dude. I don't know why you're worrying so much, man.
08:46Okay, I'm a genius. Genius. Here we go.
08:47Here's my half of the lobster money. Emergency meeting in the conference room right now. That
08:52godforsaken farmer's market has got to go. You legally committed. You're right. Touch the lobster.
09:00You know, they call us names. They treat us like the enemy. But then they want to come over here
09:04and use our quilted American toilet paper. I don't think so.
09:07Well, in reality, they're probably just using our bidets.
09:10You're telling me they come over here to wash their asses?
09:14You gotta be kidding me. They want an enemy. They got an enemy now.
09:19But it is just a farmer's market.
09:22Yeah.
09:22Where you can buy, I don't know, vegetables, fruit, and very fresh, reasonably priced seafood.
09:27Anybody else craving a lobster roll?
09:28Yeah, me. I am.
09:30Does Katja really think we're just going to stand here and take this crap?
09:33I mean, we could.
09:34No, no, no. You know what this means, right?
09:36Well, it means that we could come to a mutually agreed upon solution with our international partners.
09:41What a team. Father and daughter act against the team.
09:45Quits!
09:46Or, or, or, just playing Dweevil's advocate, we can go to war.
09:51So I think war.
09:55Yeah.
09:56War.
09:57Prepare for war!
10:06You've moved past war right into the realm of war crimes.
10:09What are you talking about?
10:10This is a very important smoke screen training that we do every year.
10:14Private someone, unleash hell.
10:16It's not tear gas or anything, just a little smoke and barely burns.
10:21And you know, it's a very important exercise for me.
10:23Once it's up in the air and the wind takes over, there's nothing I can really do about it.
10:33And that is how you escalate.
10:42Oh, yeah.
10:44Fire another one.
10:47Hello, I am going to be speaking in English in a way that the Americans will understand.
10:53So, the people of Struppstorf are, like, really, like, united, and we are literally declaring an embargo on the base.
11:04Y'all, our town will no longer sell fruit, produce, meat, milk, or eggs to the base.
11:11All you will be left with is your American slop.
11:16So, eat up, you partially hydrogenated little piggies.
11:20Are you excited?
11:22I'm obsessed.
11:24So, she just said, eat up, you American piggies.
11:27I understand English, Yon.
11:28Well, good.
11:29Good.
11:29Then you understand how bad this is.
11:32It's okay.
11:33We're equipped for this.
11:38We are not equipped for this.
11:40I have gotten these soldiers used to a Michelin star level of dining, and now the chefs refuse to cook
11:45their dishes without the finest, freshest ingredients.
11:48So, I had no choice.
11:50We're serving MREs.
11:52It's ceviche Saturday, and now I'm eating Southwest Surprise Chunks.
11:58Surprise.
11:59The chunks are sharp.
12:01I need another vomit bucket.
12:03Okay.
12:04Hey, now will you let me de-escalate this?
12:08Listen, I also know Katya personally, and I feel like I can make some real headway if I come to
12:13her on a human level, which obviously you're not able to do because you are inhuman.
12:19I studied this in college, okay?
12:21So, I'd like to put it into practice.
12:23The problem with these soldiers is they're not tough enough.
12:26That's the real issue.
12:31But you are tough enough.
12:33Right?
12:34Oh, yeah.
12:34This is stuff that soldiers are supposed to be eating.
12:37MREs.
12:46Go talk to her.
12:47Okay, yeah.
12:47Oh, my God.
12:49Yeah, that's the worst thing I've ever had.
12:50Okay, thank you.
12:51At least get her to let some hot sauce in.
12:52Oh, my.
12:55pH balance looks good.
12:56Now, we just got to keep these babies alive until that river cruise ship docks on Cologne for the weekend.
13:00Old people love a soft meat.
13:02Now, historically, I'm not great at keeping secrets, but this time I am going to do it.
13:06Okay, well, what about your new roommate?
13:07He's really struggling.
13:09Yeah, ever since he transferred from Baumholder, I can tell from reading his journal.
13:12It's all, I don't think Papadex likes me.
13:15I don't think Papadex respects me.
13:16I think Papadex is reading my diary.
13:17It's worrying.
13:18No, no, no, no.
13:18I meant, can we trust him?
13:20Probably not.
13:21Oh, hey, uh, Specialist Gideon.
13:25Here he is.
13:26Keeping live animals in the barracks is against the rules.
13:28My God, this guy is such a narc.
13:30Okay, nobody's a narc.
13:32Nobody's a narc.
13:33Oh, no, I'm a narc.
13:35Okay, don't need to prove it.
13:36Um, how are we going to make this okay?
13:38What do you need?
13:40I want a lobster.
13:42Okay, okay, like to eat?
13:43What?
13:44No, to raise.
13:46Let's get him a lobster.
13:47Fine.
13:49Take Darren.
13:53You'll never be his real dad.
13:55Don't say that.
13:56I should have let that guy break your legs.
14:02Katya.
14:03Hi.
14:05I'm here to negotiate a truce with you.
14:08But, you know, we could get to the bottom of this as ladies.
14:11As a couple of ladies.
14:13Yeah.
14:14We cannot let our marginalization as women be weaponized in the interest of the American Empire.
14:21Be that as it may.
14:22I know neither of us wants this whole thing to get ugly.
14:25And we also know how crazy my dad can get.
14:28I mean, he thought you sent like a child soldier to the base the other day.
14:32I did.
14:34Sorry.
14:34What?
14:35Well, he was my tool to provoke a response.
14:38Your father acting the villain made me the hero.
14:42Are you saying that your goal was to escalate the situation?
14:47Of course.
14:49What else, sister?
14:50Wow.
14:50You guys were really perfect together.
14:52No.
14:52It's the enemy.
14:53No.
14:54See, that's the thing.
14:55We're not the enemy.
14:56I mean, between us non-marginalized ladies, the base really brings more value to the community
15:01than it even does to the U.S. military.
15:03So, in other words, it's useless?
15:08Well...
15:16Why are we laughing?
15:18Because I had somebody from the local government look at the original agreement between the
15:23U.S. government and the town of Struppstorf, and he found something in the small print,
15:29and it says, if the base is rendered useless, it shall be returned to the Dutch people.
15:35Well, actually, jokes that you have to explain are not that funny.
15:40We are not going to stop at the farmer's market.
15:43We're going to take back the whole base.
15:46Well, I...
15:52You're telling me Katja wants to take back the base?
15:55Yes.
15:56I know, but I am going to fix it.
15:58I've got a lot of ideas.
15:59Oh, you have a lot of ideas how to keep me from becoming the first U.S. military leader
16:04in history to lose land in Europe.
16:07That's what you're telling me?
16:08Your diplomacy thing is done.
16:10You know what's happening?
16:10They're moving the farmer's market to the town square.
16:13We are going to storm it and get our goods back, okay?
16:15So what I need from you right now is not ideas.
16:17I need four tanks.
16:21Open up.
16:22I know you're hiding shellfish in there.
16:26Oh, so you tried to pull a con without Conway?
16:30This is the most amateur lobster smuggling I've ever seen.
16:34I expected more from you, Shaw.
16:35Yeah, so did I.
16:36I'm surprising myself.
16:37I just wanted a fresh start for Celeste and I.
16:39And I figured if I can move these lobsters, we have a chance.
16:44Wow, we are not in this for the same reasons.
16:46Of course I'll help you, Shaw.
16:47For 50% of the profits.
16:50Wait, 50%?
16:50I could have gotten money.
16:52Of course, I'm the only one who can fix this.
16:54You have all the power when you have the ear of the person at bow.
17:00Why aren't you out solving this farmer's market crisis?
17:02It involves all the things you love.
17:05Communication, soft power, fresh honey.
17:08True.
17:09Honey never goes bad.
17:11But, you know, I've already tried and failed at making peace.
17:14And my dad trusted me to do it my way.
17:17And now he is never going to trust me again.
17:20Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
17:22No one's good at anything their first time.
17:24Especially my high school girlfriend.
17:26I mean, you would think because we have the same parts
17:28that it wouldn't feel like she was looking for her keys
17:30at the bottom of her purse.
17:31But it did.
17:33That breakup was ugly.
17:35Like Katja and my dad.
17:39I need to get them to really talk.
17:41I should call my ex.
17:43I've been trying to solve the wrong problem the whole time.
17:45I mean, she has to be better at it by now, right?
17:48Right.
17:49Right.
17:50Anyways.
17:51Yeah.
17:51You get out there and you let your diplomat flag fly.
17:54Yes.
17:55Okay.
17:56Who did?
18:01Katja?
18:02A moment.
18:02You know they sell blow dryers on every street corner?
18:05Okay.
18:06You know, shutting down the base hurts you.
18:09This embargo hurts you.
18:11And moving forward with the fine print
18:13is mutually assured destruction.
18:15Well, sometimes you need to be broken down
18:17to be built back up.
18:19Like my father in the bedroom.
18:21Yeah, I got it.
18:22These are your poll numbers.
18:24Okay?
18:25You see, the people aren't really blaming my dad
18:28for closing the farmer's market.
18:29They're blaming you.
18:31And you need to talk to me.
18:33Well, not me, exactly.
18:36I will not eat Indian food.
18:38Too much curry.
18:39Not enough ketchup.
18:40Dad, sit.
18:41I brought the ketchup.
18:44There is not a problem between the base and the town.
18:48There is a problem between the two of you.
18:50And we are not leaving this table
18:51until you two figure out how to get over this breakup
18:54without causing an international incident.
19:00And if you don't start talking,
19:01I will have to escalate
19:02with the king of heartbreak, Phil Collins.
19:07Play, take a look at me now.
19:08No, no, no, no, no, no, no, please.
19:10We'll talk.
19:11We'll talk.
19:14I did wear the pantsuit for you.
19:21She says she's proud to announce
19:23that a farmer's market and the base came to a resolution.
19:26They will give land to the town
19:28and the town will give new land to the base.
19:30And now, rather than standing on borrowed ground,
19:32we once again stand on Dutch soil.
19:35Woof!
19:36How joyous.
19:36Okay, I'm gonna get a smoothie.
19:37And thank you, Colonel Quinn.
19:40And I ask you all to please support my candidacy
19:42for Boehermeister.
19:45So, is this good for us?
19:47I think Katja's gonna win in a landslide.
19:50How do you like your new territory?
19:52First American military leader to gain land in Europe
19:55and gives them back, too,
19:56but the press release won't get that far.
19:58I mean, listen, we got a plum tree
20:00and they got a little piece of land
20:02with a broken sewage system
20:04because they flushed a bunch of our MREs
20:06down in their toilets and couldn't resist.
20:08That's basically like southwestern cement.
20:10And I gotta say, you know what?
20:12You really would make a great politician.
20:14Really?
20:14Yeah, you're really good at dealing
20:15with difficult people like Katja, you know?
20:19Yeah, well, I have to admit
20:21there really was something to the whole
20:24escalation thing, after all.
20:26Oh, God, that Phil Collins thing was just brutal.
20:29These are so good.
20:30Really?
20:30Mm-hmm.
20:31Laundry, cheese, plums.
20:33I like the sound of it.
20:40Two lobsters, please.
20:42Right away.
20:42You got it.
20:43There you go.
20:46Very welcome.
20:47Oh, I love kids when they have money.
20:49So, do you keep getting back together with Celeste
20:52because she's a fun mess you like to clean up?
20:55No.
20:57Maybe.
20:58I don't know.
20:59Codependency is the strongest form of a relationship.
21:01It's how we work, okay?
21:02She makes things interesting,
21:04and I like to feel needed.
21:06Okay.
21:07Well, at least the cadence sounded healthy.
21:10Yo, as soon as I figure out the exchange rate,
21:12we might be rich.
21:14And we just sold our last 20 lobsters.
21:16Yes!
21:17Ah, yes!
21:19Ah!
21:20Ah!
21:20Ah!
21:21Ah!
21:22Party at our house to celebrate all the money we made.
21:25Because I just bought 20 lobsters.
21:28Ah!
21:29Ah!
21:30It's going so well!
21:32It's going so well!
21:33It's going so well!
21:35It's going so well!
21:35It's going so well!
21:36It's going so well!
21:37It's going so well!
21:37It's going so well!
21:37It's going so well!
21:38It's going so well!
21:38It's going so well!
21:38It's going so well!
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