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Short filmTranscript
00:06Where are we at with the press release?
00:08Headline.
00:09Colonel Patrick Quinn to take emergency command of USAG bomb holder.
00:12Then the bio.
00:13A native of Massachusetts, the colonel has had command and staff positions in five divisions,
00:17including special forces, throughout his decorated 30-year career.
00:20Mention the Rangers.
00:21People get hard when I name drop the Rangers.
00:23Give America erection.
00:25Word of the Distinguished Service Cross for combat heroism, a purple heart, and a silver star.
00:29Then we mention your tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and finish with Father to Maeve and Margaret.
00:34No, no, no. Drop the fan pop off with the Ruskies.
00:36Again, sir. Gotta hide your glee for World War III.
00:39It's coming, baby. It's coming.
00:51Congratulations, Colonel. I see you're wearing your dress blues.
00:54Thank you, General Davidson.
00:55When I imagined this day in my head, I pictured myself in my dress blues, but I didn't imagine you
01:01being here.
01:01I wanted to be here. I know this is something you've waited on for a long time.
01:04How are your girls? I heard that you are a grandpa now.
01:08No, I don't have a grandkid.
01:09I could have sworn.
01:11I don't. The baby?
01:11Oh, the baby, yes. So there is a grandkid, but he's not like a real human being yet. He's more
01:16like just like a blob.
01:17His name is Owen.
01:18I don't love that. Everyone's great, sir.
01:22And what about your other daughter, the one I met at West Point?
01:24I'm sure she's fine. General, why are you here specifically?
01:28I'm the new commanding officer of Baumholder.
01:30No, no. I'm supposed to be the new commanding officer of Baumholder.
01:33They told me to report here for an emergency command position.
01:36Correct. You are reporting here and taking emergency command of USAG Stroopstorf, 90 minutes away, in the Netherlands.
01:44Uh, is that even a combat base?
01:46No. Service base. One of our smallest.
01:48I apologize if our original message was a little misleading.
01:52It was supposed to be very misleading.
01:54You remember our training exercise a few months ago at Fort Irwin?
01:58We had body cams on everybody?
02:00Yeah.
02:02Colonel Quinn. Yeah?
02:03You were in Task Force Dagger, right? Yeah.
02:05General Davidson said the action was really heavy.
02:07Davidson wouldn't know if there was any action. Davidson's a giant .
02:10He's never seen any action.
02:11Him and Stanton. Stanton's a .
02:13Top of being a .
02:15And them and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
02:17That's first ballot in the Hall of Fame.
02:20I apologize for that, General.
02:22No need. The brass wanted you buried and I volunteered to dig the hole.
02:25But why the Netherlands, sir?
02:26To drive you insane.
02:48The sign makes it seem like the army base is inside the bowling alley, like one of those Starbucks that's
02:53inside of a supermarket.
02:54Hmm.
03:02Still waiting for my first salute.
03:03Hold on.
03:06Did he just...
03:07Waved to you like Forrest Gump on a shrimping boat?
03:09He did.
03:10Where are the guns? It's weird. The base feels naked.
03:13You know what we'll do? Get up to that tower.
03:15Some high ground so we can see what we're working with.
03:18Uh-uh. I wouldn't.
03:19Possums don't like it when you go in their tower.
03:23Sir.
03:23Soldier, you need a haircut. You look like they found Jesus dead in a river.
03:28That's one.
03:28Oh, boy.
03:29No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
03:31There's a fat hippie on a bike.
03:32You're wrinkling your dress blue, sir.
03:34Okay.
03:35Yeah.
03:35Yes.
03:36Yeah.
03:36You know what I'm gonna do? Work miracles.
03:38That's how I stay in the race. That's how I get promoted back to Baumholder.
03:41Ah, no. That's a little too far, sir. The race is done.
03:44Right now, you're in the horse tent where they put you down in private. No one's ever come back from
03:48something like this.
03:48I just need to stay shiny and turn this dump into a combat base full of born-again badasses with
03:54no bikes.
03:55Get rid of the bikes. Everyone's walking.
03:56He's back. He's back. The hippie is back.
03:57All right.
03:58Right away.
03:58Right away.
03:59I'm gonna do it.
04:01Hey, hey, look over there. That building looks important.
04:06Welcome to the promagerie, sir.
04:09I'm confused.
04:10Cheese is what Stroopstorf's known for. Cheese, laundry, and bowling.
04:15We're in the horse tent.
04:16All right. We need to recon every inch of this base immediately.
04:18Of course, sir. Cheese.
04:21Hmm.
04:22Laundry.
04:25Bowling.
04:26Stroopstorf offers all three services to bases in Germany and Belgium.
04:30No tetherball, no apple store.
04:33Sir, why would we need an apple store?
04:35When we have a teen center.
04:40Where are the teens?
04:41Oh, there are actually no kids on the base.
04:43But in last year's budget, there was money for a teen center.
04:46So now we have a teen center.
04:48Worst tour ever.
04:49Sergeant, thank you. Dismissed.
04:56I'm being stalked by giant bowling signs.
04:59The place is a boys and girls club for middle-aged Dutch civilians,
05:02including a small-time gigolo playing the video game.
05:04Hmm.
05:05Hey.
05:06Back to work.
05:07Move away from the machine before I feed you into it like a quarter.
05:10I am still on early lunch break.
05:11I brought soup from home.
05:13Would you like some?
05:13We could share a spoon.
05:15Wow.
05:17I really like your medals.
05:18I despise your mesh hoodie.
05:20Then you're going to hate the fact that this is actually a onesie.
05:23All right. Bye-bye.
05:24That was a welcome.
05:26This guy I can order around private.
05:29Take me to the base commander.
05:33Yes, sir. Actually, no, sir.
05:35Sorry, sir.
05:36Okay.
05:36The commander's been running the base remotely for the last six months, sir.
05:39Take me to whoever's in charge of the ground.
05:41Follow me, sir.
05:46I like this private.
05:48He just ran into a door.
05:50But at least he ran.
05:51Today, the commander-in-chief's annual awards for installation excellence were announced.
05:56As interim commander, I am proud to say that in the category of European support-based parenthetical small,
06:01we are this year's winners.
06:03Yes!
06:03As a reward, we have purchased state-of-the-art equipment to improve our cardiovascular health and emotional well-being.
06:10It's time to silent disco.
06:14Yes!
06:16Normally, a colonel walks onto an army base and buttholes clench,
06:20but their stink vents are flapping around all loosey-goosey.
06:24What the hell?
06:27Talk about loose. I don't even understand what I'm looking at.
06:30Well, what I don't understand is why would Davidson send you to a Dutch club med,
06:34and not Alaska to freeze your nuts off?
06:36Good point, because he's the psyops king.
06:38You'd think he'd want to send me someplace where I'd confront my biggest fear,
06:41which is failure.
06:42And I've never failed at anything except...
06:51Uh...
06:52Colonel Quinn, sir. This is Captain Quinn, sir.
06:54Oh, my God.
06:55You guys have the same last name. That is so crazy.
06:58Not crazy.
07:00That is my father.
07:02Sir.
07:05Stop.
07:06Stop dancing.
07:16I'm sure you have some feelings about me being stationed here.
07:21I would rather you not be here.
07:23I don't want to be here.
07:24Oh, you don't?
07:24No!
07:25Are you kidding?
07:26It's like the last place I want to be.
07:27Well, I thought you wanted to be here.
07:29No, no, no, no, no, no.
07:30Oh, no, no, no, no.
07:31Oh, great.
07:31And, um, why, why?
07:33General Davidson sent me here as a punishment.
07:35Okay, well, how is Stroopstorff a punishment?
07:39Stroopstorff is not the punishment.
07:40Being here with you is.
07:44I'm just remembering this feeling in my body so I can report it to my therapist later.
07:48The feeling is red and it's shaped like a dagger.
07:54Sir.
07:55You don't have to call me sir.
07:56Let's just have a normal father-daughter interaction.
08:00I'm really glad you're still doing the thing where you talk to the...
08:04Therapy.
08:04Yes.
08:04Great.
08:05Well, then why did you say no when I asked for a joint therapy session?
08:10It was...
08:11Two years ago.
08:12I don't think it was two years ago.
08:13It was exactly two years ago.
08:15That's when I cut off contact with you.
08:18Hmm.
08:20And you did not even notice?
08:23Okay, I was busy saving America.
08:25You should retire.
08:26You're already a legend.
08:27We studied your missions at West Point.
08:29And yet, you're still uniquely unqualified to command a service base
08:33due to the fact that you're a raging narcissist.
08:36That is a terrible thing to say to your father.
08:38Number one.
08:38Number two.
08:40Specifically, which missions of mine are they teaching at West Point?
08:45Excuse me.
08:46Mm-hmm.
08:47What does XO stand for?
08:49I'm commander of hugs and kisses.
08:51Oh, nice.
08:51It means executive officer.
08:53What does an executive officer do?
08:55I anticipate every problem, solve it efficiently.
09:01Then I leave without taking credit.
09:03We provide services to combat bases.
09:06I can do this, too.
09:08What are you talking about?
09:09This is a service base.
09:11It doesn't just become a combat base
09:14because you took a job out of spite.
09:16I do everything out of spite.
09:18My body is 60% water and 40% spite.
09:21Sorry to interrupt this very touching reunion.
09:23Just a reminder that you're both officers in a glass cube that everyone can see.
09:26We were trying to leave the military out of it.
09:28No, no, no, no.
09:28You need to bring the military back in and you need to hold on to it for dear life.
09:31Just, yeah, yeah.
09:33Captain, you have concerns about the colonel commanding Stroop store.
09:35Yes, sir.
09:36I have an operation in motion that I have spent 10 months planning.
09:39Failure will destabilize relations in the region
09:41and the colonel's very presence could sabotage it.
09:42Copy that, Captain.
09:44Please, brief us on the operation.
09:47A bunch of us are marching in the tulip festival tomorrow.
09:53What?
09:53I didn't quite hear that.
09:54A bunch of us are marching in the tulip festival tomorrow.
09:57God, I feel like I'm with Eisenhower on eve of D-Day.
10:00It is our first ever invitation to the festival
10:02and it's actually crucial to our diplomatic mission.
10:05I led Operation Iron Hammer, Iron Saber, and Iron, um...
10:09Justice.
10:10Justice.
10:10So I think I can handle Operation Tulip Festival.
10:13Well, I think that you will break this place trying to fix it.
10:16And there's actually nothing wrong with Stroop store.
10:18Really?
10:18Can you show me one thing that's right about this place?
10:22Place?
10:22Good.
10:24Welcome to my pride and joy.
10:26The best dining facility in the U.S. military.
10:29Because great food increases productivity and job satisfaction,
10:32which is why we have the highest morale of any base in the U.S. Army.
10:36Food was smacking today, Captain Maggie.
10:39Don't leave them hanging, Captain Maggie.
10:46Aw!
10:47Pew, pew, pew!
10:49First guns I've seen on the base.
10:51I do believe you have the softest troops in the history of the U.S. Army.
10:55That's a gross mischaracterization.
10:56Major?
10:57Hand.
10:59Sorry.
11:00That tickles.
11:01Smooth as a baby's bottom.
11:04Lavender?
11:05We pick it in the afternoon, sir.
11:07Right before nap time.
11:10Moving on.
11:20How's the chow?
11:21I've had better.
11:22I haven't.
11:23Each bite is a Proustian Odyssey propelling me through space and time.
11:26You're welcome.
11:27Stroopstorf is the best service base in Europe, parenthetical small.
11:31We are great at what we do.
11:33We may be a different kind of soldier than you, but we're still soldiers.
11:37We shall see about that.
11:39Right, Major?
11:40Can I finish?
11:41Oh, we're gonna finish.
11:41Oh, yeah, yeah.
11:43Some of that sauce.
11:45Let me get that sauce.
11:46Oh, cleaning the plate.
11:48All right.
11:53Company!
11:54Attention!
11:56I am your new commanding officer, Colonel Patrick Quinn.
11:59First order of business, no more giant bowling signs.
12:04It's idiotic!
12:05Number two.
12:06Everyone in the courtyard for P.T. now!
12:11That's the sound of 100 buttholes puckering.
12:14Keep those knees high!
12:16High!
12:16Higher than you heathens get on a 48-hour leap to Amsterdam.
12:20We're going back to basics.
12:22Basic training.
12:23After this, you will crawl under barbed wire to the sound of gunfire from a Bluetooth speaker
12:28because none of you can remember where you put the actual guns.
12:32Oh, way to go, Papadakis.
12:35Good try.
12:35What is this, T-Bowl?
12:37We're not moving on until Papadakis does this right.
12:39I don't care if it takes all night.
12:45Sorry, everybody.
12:46It's my gout.
12:48Did he just say gout?
12:49It's a disease where uric acid builds up.
12:52It's a disease for gluttonous 16th century European nobles, not active duty U.S. military.
12:56I admit to having a weakness for rich foods and goose flesh, much like the kings of old.
13:01I'm going to kill him.
13:02No, it's not.
13:02It's not Papadakis' fault.
13:04I have let go of the leash a bit.
13:06That is because my focus has been in other areas.
13:08Quality control, customer satisfaction.
13:11What is this, a Panera?
13:12Mmm.
13:13Mmm.
13:13Come on.
13:14This is the best grilled cheese I've ever had.
13:16That is because my supply sergeant sources all of the best ingredients.
13:20Where does your supply sergeant get all these fine ingredients?
13:23I don't ask and she doesn't donate.
13:25Oh, don't ask, don't tell.
13:27You know, I was in the army the first time they tried that.
13:29Didn't work then either.
13:31I love a good supply sergeant.
13:33Somebody who can get anything for anyone from anywhere.
13:36Sometimes it does attract the unscrupulous type who wants to just bleed the U.S. Army dry.
13:42Colonel, are you accusing Sergeant Conway of misappropriation without evidence?
13:47No.
13:48Oh, that's just a supply closet.
13:50There's a key of one out here somewhere.
13:52Yeah, that's okay.
13:52I have one.
13:56Oh, yeah.
14:00Well, don't ask, don't tell, huh?
14:02Never works, but if you have to live in a closet, this would be the one.
14:05I've hung my coat there like a million times.
14:08All right, Colonel.
14:09How do you want to play this?
14:10Pour me a glass of that Gamay.
14:12Any of this legal?
14:13Legal-ish.
14:15Military spending is a running faucet.
14:17I just dip a thimble.
14:20Hmm.
14:21Colonel, you just knocked down a door into the Goonies' treasure cave.
14:24Why are you not upset?
14:25Because this is no longer an investigation.
14:26It is now a job interview.
14:29And, Sergeant, I want you to be part of my personal staff, Team Shiny.
14:32Sure.
14:33Could you, uh, give us a second?
14:38Ah-ah!
14:39You don't get Gamay.
14:40But I like Gamay.
14:41No, no, no.
14:41You don't get Gamay.
14:43Not if you turn an entire U.S. Army base into Captain Maggie's Montessori school.
14:47But don't worry.
14:48I'm in charge now.
14:49And the party is over.
14:52This tulip festival is over 500 years old and started within these medieval walls.
14:58I made you these cards just to give you context for everything that's gonna happen and you can't-
15:03I've done a million parades, number one.
15:06Number two, I'm electric off the cuff.
15:08See, if you wanna worry about something, worry about your soldiers tripping over their own sacks.
15:13Or-or lady sacks.
15:14Don't wanna be accused of being sexist.
15:16Well, it was sexist, so.
15:19Bye.
15:20The Colonel wanted me to tell you that he appreciates all the work you put into this festival.
15:24No, he didn't.
15:25No, he didn't.
15:25That usually works.
15:26Positive feedback would require emotions, empathy.
15:30He didn't even cry at his own mother's funeral.
15:33I would do anything to see him cry.
15:36Operation Iron Tear.
15:39Am I right?
15:40Operation Iron Tear.
15:41Yeah, no, I got it.
15:42Yeah.
15:42Okay.
15:43Ah.
15:45Hello.
15:46I'm Katja Vanderhoef, Head of Troops of Chamber of Commerce.
15:50Nice to meet you.
15:50I'm, uh, Colonel Patrick Quinn.
15:53Ah.
15:53You guys take it easy on me today.
15:55I am a, uh, tulip festival virgin.
15:57Well, I hope you last longer than most virgins.
16:00He, he, he.
16:02So what is your, uh, business?
16:04Maybe I'll stop by and say hi sometime.
16:06I own the local brothel.
16:08You know, maybe I'll just see you on the street.
16:11You're not, not street corner because obviously you're a high-class owner of a business.
16:22Have to do a speech.
16:26What are you doing here?
16:27Hi, so I'm Jan and I'm a translator.
16:31Doesn't everybody speak English?
16:32Sure, but I also translate social cues.
16:35For example, you really like her, but you're trying to hide it.
16:39Why?
16:39Why?
16:40Get away from me.
16:47Good luck.
16:49Good afternoon.
16:50I am Colonel Patrick Quinn, commander of USAG Stroopsdorf.
16:55We are proud to represent our home country of America and proud to be included as members of this community.
17:03Electric of the cup.
17:06Up first are some of our soldiers approaching with wheels of cheese.
17:16That's what we do.
17:19Stroopsdorf, one of the things, we make cheese.
17:22And now, uh, the laundry department from Stroopsdorf.
17:29What are they doing?
17:30They're sending the note cards.
17:33They are performing a interpretive dance.
17:39It's about laundry.
17:41It's Cirque du Laundrie.
17:44I bet it took a long time for them to...
17:48You know, I used to lead soldiers into battle to fight our enemies.
17:53Now I lead them in to fight stains.
17:57Oh, they're doing so good.
17:59He's gonna explode.
18:04Giant bowling sign.
18:05Okay, everybody down.
18:06What was the first thing I said on the first day?
18:09First order I gave?
18:11Turn to the...
18:15Stop!
18:17Bowling sign, Jesus.
18:18Don't get me.
18:20Don't get me.
18:21Stop!
18:21No!
18:22Colonel, Dad!
18:23Stop!
18:24What happened to your gout?
18:25Hey, Papadakis.
18:26Big time players make big time plays in big time games.
18:28You're a big time disgrace.
18:30What? Hey!
18:33Yeah?
18:34It's better than being from a country that legalized drugs and ratted out Anne Frank!
18:41Really?
18:45The crowd did not really like that joke.
18:47They found it super offensive.
18:48Oh, really?
18:49Yes.
18:49Thank you for reporting that to me.
18:51Alright.
18:51Well, let's clean that up.
18:53Get out of the way.
18:56Get out of the way!
19:06Hey.
19:08Conway told me where you like to go in town.
19:11And, uh, I wanted to apologize.
19:15Okay.
19:16Go ahead.
19:17Apologize.
19:18I just did.
19:21So, I'm putting together a thing I like to call Team Shiny.
19:25Which is like the best of the best at Stroop's Door.
19:28Which is a little bit like trying to make a basketball team of the world's tallest midgets.
19:31You can't say that.
19:33Alright, little people.
19:34No.
19:34I don't think there's another word that I could say.
19:36No, no.
19:37I'm not joining.
19:38And you know what?
19:39I'm not at work.
19:40So, you're actually not my commander.
19:43You're just my dad.
19:44And I don't really talk to my dad.
19:48Okay.
19:53You're serious?
19:54After I came down here and tried to be nice...
19:57Come on.
20:00I can say midget whenever I want.
20:02I fought in Iraq.
20:04So...
20:05Midget, midget, midget.
20:23You were right.
20:24Can't say the M word.
20:25I googled it and apparently the little bastards really hate it.
20:28I'm hanging up.
20:29Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
20:30Don't hang up.
20:30I wanted to ask you something.
20:32If you hate me so much, why did you follow in my footsteps?
20:35Like West Point and everything.
20:38I want to keep being of service.
20:41I want to run for public office.
20:43Congresswoman.
20:44Senator.
20:45And if things break right...
20:49Um...
20:49President.
20:50You want to be president?
20:51If things break right, I said.
20:54So, you're a stone cold psycho.
20:55You're much more like me than you even think.
20:59This is why I don't tell people.
21:02That you want to be president?
21:03That you're my dad.
21:09Okay.
21:12When I screwed up at the parade, I saw that look on your face.
21:18It was the same one you gave me whenever I came back later.
21:22Then I promised you I would, which was, let's face it, most of the time.
21:27You would look up at me with those big eyes, as if to say, I know you don't want to
21:37be here, you coward.
21:40Hello?
21:42Colonel.
21:43I...
21:45Dad.
21:46Dad.
21:48It's happening.
21:50Operation Iron Tear.
21:50It's happening.
21:52Move!
21:54Tear! Tear!
21:56Tear!
21:56No, no.
21:57My eyes were watering.
21:58I have allergies.
21:59It's the tulips.
22:00I'm freaking everywhere.
22:02Thanks for finally calling.
22:06Uh, it doesn't make sense for us to just be a combat base or just be a service base.
22:11We really have to be both, so that means we're gonna have to work together.
22:16Looks good on our resume.
22:20I'd only do it to win Ohio.
22:21Of course.
22:22Okay.
22:23Deal.
22:24Okay.
22:25I'm gonna go get some Kleenex so that we can wipe the tears that were just rolling down your face.
22:29Don't need them.
22:30You guys got tissues for men crying?
22:38Ah, first strike of the day.
22:40Yahoo!
22:42Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
22:43No, that's my bad.
22:44I take things too far.
22:45Where did you find the guns?
22:47Underneath the Halloween decorations.
22:50Oh.
22:51Can I, uh...
22:51No.
22:52No, no, no.
22:52Nope.
22:53You're done.
22:53It's going so well!
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