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00:02Bop, bop, bop, bop!
00:07Yep. Nice.
00:08Okay, Colonel, we're up by nine points,
00:10and B.A.'s looking a little bit more concussed than usual.
00:12Maybe we should ease up a bit?
00:13No. Iron sharpens iron.
00:17Well, hello, basket boys.
00:19Base pants. It's a strong choice.
00:21Yeah, you look like Skinny the Pooh.
00:23Whenever you get tired of your little game,
00:25I would be happy to show you a real game of hoops.
00:29Is that right?
00:29Of course it's a riot. That's why I said it.
00:36What the hell are we watching?
00:39So it's like basketball, Bop,
00:40without everything that's good about basketball.
00:43No jumping, no dunking, no dribbling.
00:46This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
00:47Correction. That's cough ball.
00:51Cough ball is a real man's game,
00:53but also a real woman's game, because the teams must be covered.
00:57Yeah. So the hoop is eleven and a half feet,
01:00but there's no backboard, so does anyone ever score?
01:02Of course. Almost eight percent of the time.
01:05Oh, is that maybe not enough for you Americans
01:07and your insatiable hunger for points?
01:09Look at me. I'm eating all the points.
01:12Yum, yum, yum.
01:13They're deep fried because I'm American.
01:16Just walking around State Fair,
01:18eating all my deep fried points on a stick.
01:21Does anyone have any ranch sauce?
01:23Okay. I am not gonna stand here
01:26and let you insult American excellence,
01:28especially ranch.
01:29Cough ball is a true test
01:31of depth perception and gender equality,
01:34and that's two things your Americans are so terrible at.
01:36That's it. Ooh.
01:37Ranch is one thing,
01:38but insulting American depth perception?
01:41Not on my watch, pal.
01:42Saturday noon here, USA versus the Dutch,
01:45in a game of your little stupid ball, okay?
01:48Prepare to get your ass kicked at your own dumb game.
01:52You're gonna have to learn everything about corf ball by Saturday.
01:55Feels like what I joined the army to do.
01:57I hate this guy.
01:59Mmm.
01:59Hmm.
02:20So you want to play corf ball?
02:22I can't believe the answer to that question is yes.
02:24Can you see what else he did wrong?
02:26I don't know. She was being Dutch.
02:28Don't worry.
02:29Just remember the five do's and 37 don'ts.
02:32No.
02:33Uh-uh.
02:34I'm gonna scroll ahead.
02:35Three and a half hours long, sir.
02:37Please.
02:38No way.
02:38I'm not backing down from a fight,
02:39especially not with Jan,
02:40so you need to find a way for me to destroy that Dutch waffle liquor.
02:45You know, that seemed like it was gonna be offensive,
02:46but I don't think it actually was.
02:47No, it wasn't.
02:48I go right up to the line.
02:49Hello.
02:49You wanted to see us?
02:50Yeah.
02:50Sir?
02:50Listen, we have to play corf ball,
02:52and apparently need two women to do that,
02:53so we heard you guys play corf ball before.
02:56Mm-hmm.
02:56The Dutch love to watch Americans get their ass beat.
02:59Are you telling me that you voluntarily submit
03:01to a ritual humiliation of our country in a foreign land?
03:04No.
03:05No.
03:06We participate in a community bonding event.
03:10Oh.
03:10And it's so fun.
03:11Okay, hold on.
03:13Everyone gets a shirt.
03:14Oh, and last year I made friends with the corf boy.
03:17Aw.
03:17He has this big mid-winter horn that he blows after every point,
03:20and during the breaks he plays jazz,
03:22which is a little strange because the horn only plays one note,
03:25but the locals tell us it's all about the one notes he doesn't play.
03:29Cool.
03:30I'm gonna stick that horn right down his tiny throat.
03:33Don't tell me you're gonna get insane about all of this.
03:35Yawn, poke the bear, and now I'm gonna gnaw his arm off.
03:38And then I'm gonna make them beg for their precious government-funded euthanasia.
03:42Can you imagine a country so full of quitters,
03:44they wanna quit life and have somebody else pay for it?
03:46Heh.
03:47That was offensive.
03:48Yeah, yeah.
03:52She liking the top hat?
03:54I'm breaking her in.
03:55Got a formal night at the Stroopstorf Dief back tomorrow.
03:58I was not expecting to find such a genuine American weirdo.
04:02Now how did someone like you end up in the army?
04:05I was walking around a mall, really high.
04:08Recruiter waves me in, tells me he can vape in the army,
04:10which was a damn lie and wham bam thank you ma'am.
04:13Corporal Ice Papadakis, future American hero.
04:16And I believe age is nothing but a number.
04:18Age is a number and that fact is not in dispute.
04:20I'm Katya, a friend of your colonel.
04:23So am I.
04:24Oh, I doubt that very much.
04:26Uh, Corporal?
04:27Oh, Colonel.
04:28Take off the top hat.
04:30Okay.
04:32Katya?
04:33Everyone in town is talking about the corporal match this weekend.
04:38They are very excited to see the new colonel lose.
04:42Really?
04:42I'm not actually, uh, into the idea of defeat in the name of community relations.
04:47So you can tell everybody we will not lose because I don't lose.
04:51Well, I continue to be astounded at the size of your ego.
04:55Oh, well, what do you say we, uh, grab some Italian and go back to my place?
05:00Well, I would prefer to go to your place first.
05:03I like my food during and after, but, uh, never before.
05:07God, every word you say is like poetry.
05:12No back word.
05:14Okay.
05:15This is gonna get old real fast.
05:16Yeah.
05:19USA!
05:20Oh.
05:21What's the spread?
05:22Doesn't matter.
05:22These pogues just bet on America straight up winning.
05:26Their blind patriotism's about to make me $1,500.
05:28I can't believe you're betting against your own team.
05:30I can't believe you can't believe it.
05:31This ain't the Olympics.
05:32We're bad at this.
05:36Now, four baskets in an hour.
05:38That's how many we have.
05:39Well, I guess you can't master a foreign sport in an hour.
05:41Which is why I said...
05:43I order you not to say, have fun, okay?
05:46Just enjoy ourselves.
05:48Yeah, I know this good times Captain Maggie thing is 50% real and 50% just to piss me
05:53off.
05:53It's actually 100% real and 100% to piss you off.
05:56Yeah, yeah.
05:56Okay, that's interesting because the rocket...
06:00would never embrace losing.
06:06Never.
06:07Major, do you have a moment?
06:10I don't know.
06:11I'm really enjoying these Korfball instructional videos,
06:14so I can only make time for literally anything else.
06:18It's just...
06:20the colonel called me the Rocket,
06:23which was my nickname back in high school.
06:25Yeah, when you played basketball.
06:26How would you know that?
06:27How would he know that?
06:29Your mom sent newspaper clippings.
06:31He used to hang them on his wall in his office.
06:32Like he was proud of me or something?
06:35He used to brag about it all the time to the troops.
06:38So, yeah, he was proud.
06:44I buried the rocket a long time ago.
06:50Okay.
06:53Well, I need to memorize this rule book,
06:56devise a foolproof plan for victory,
06:58and then I want to call my mom and tell her her baby boy
07:00is living his dream of protecting the greatest nation on Earth.
07:03Good talk.
07:15Hello, old friend.
07:18I didn't know any better.
07:19Two nights in a row, I think you were sweet on me.
07:21I always look forward to our conversations.
07:24That and your fantastic head of hair.
07:26Men your age often have very sad plugs.
07:28They look like a farm where the crop is pubic hair.
07:31Yeah, no, not this.
07:32This is all natural.
07:33Held up by three-in-one shampoo
07:35and revenge against my bald enemies.
07:38But I must change our plans for Saturday night.
07:41I was invited to speak at a seminar.
07:43No, I don't mind.
07:44I enjoy the fact that you're a polyglot.
07:47And I enjoy that you know the word polyglot.
07:50Yeah, because General McChrystal once called me that
07:52when I was excelling at both airborne and armor equally, which...
07:56And there's that ego.
07:57Yeah, can't help myself.
07:59Instead, I will see you Saturday afternoon
08:01to cheer for you.
08:03Uh-huh.
08:03And, uh, Brom.
08:05And who's Brom?
08:06The town baker.
08:07Oh.
08:07He's very tall.
08:08Very good at corfball.
08:10Anything I should worry about there, or...?
08:11Don't be silly.
08:12My relationship with him is purely sexual.
08:15Ah.
08:15Very different than what we have.
08:17Yeah.
08:18That's not a problem.
08:19No.
08:20Pfft.
08:21Come on.
08:21Are you kidding me?
08:23Two guys?
08:24I mean, that's...
08:25You know, I'm a polyglot.
08:26Uh-huh.
08:26So, the gentleman sent this over.
08:32I want to join your table.
08:33No.
08:37Brom, you stretched out son of a...
08:40Colonel?
08:40Yeah.
08:41Ha.
08:42All right.
08:42So, yesterday was terrible.
08:44Today, we're aiming for just merely horrible.
08:47I refuse to lose to the Dutch, especially young.
08:50Hey, team.
08:51Hey.
08:52Hope you like passing drills.
08:53We're gonna work fundamentals for the next three hours.
08:55That's more like it.
08:56What happened to this bean fire?
08:57Oh, the Colonel reminded me that there actually is nothing more fun than winning.
09:03Mm-hmm.
09:03So, we're gonna spend the next 20 minutes doing suicides.
09:0620 minutes?
09:07Yep.
09:07No.
09:08No.
09:09No!
09:10No!
09:11Okay.
09:14You know, I think this is the most fun I've ever had with you since we were throwing the
09:19ball around in the backyard when you were a kid.
09:21We did that once.
09:22When I was six, you said I threw like a girl.
09:24I yelled that I was a girl.
09:26We fought for an hour and never did it again.
09:27So, this actually was the most fun we've ever had together.
09:31Good job, Rocket.
09:34Yep.
09:34There's more where that came from.
09:36Looking forward to seeing it.
09:41Rocket time.
09:46Filming practice so we can do video review?
09:49Brilliant.
09:49Papadakis, pause it there.
09:51All right.
09:52Can anyone tell me what the problem is?
09:54Anyone?
09:55Anyone?
09:56I don't want to jump in.
09:56The problem is you're all terrible.
09:58Makes me want to kill myself and then you.
10:01Major, move your feet.
10:03Sir, you run like a 14-year-old girl afraid to make her new boobies jiggle.
10:08Okay?
10:08What the hell?
10:09Okay, sorry.
10:10That's...
10:11No, listen.
10:11First of all, don't apologize.
10:13She did say sir.
10:14And I'm loving this energy.
10:16I'm not.
10:17Who are you right now?
10:18I get it.
10:18You guys are all used to Captain Maggie.
10:21Everybody's friend.
10:22A real sweetie pie.
10:23But the old Captain Maggie can't come to the phone right now.
10:26She's dead.
10:27This is the Rocket speaking.
10:29High school basketball legend.
10:31Two-time all-state.
10:32Would have been three.
10:33But I bit a girl.
10:34Damn, why?
10:35I was hungry.
10:36Okay.
10:37Now, Colonel, you'll like this.
10:39New tape.
10:40We're gonna watch the other team's practice, which I secretly recorded.
10:43Their best player is this weirdly handsome town baker.
10:46He is married to the game, which may or may not be why he's getting a divorce.
10:50Now, do we have the details on that?
10:52Like, hey, I just like my bakers to be married and off the market.
10:56That way they keep their focus on the bread.
10:58Moving on.
10:59Their second best player is this tiny pregnant woman who is, well, very tiny and very pregnant.
11:04That has got to give us something to work with.
11:06You want to use a woman's pregnancy against her?
11:09I thought this game was about gender equality.
11:10It is.
11:11And as a feminist, I'm gonna bulldoze her.
11:12That's my girl.
11:13Mm-hmm.
11:14I'm starting to think my money is insane.
11:16I'm starting to think that none of us are safe.
11:18Hey, pipe down, Jiggly Boobs.
11:19Hey!
11:20Captain Maggie, I am bored.
11:22The rocket has to find an edge.
11:25Ooh.
11:25Ooh.
11:26Uh, Papadakis, pause it.
11:27Yawn is favoring his right leg.
11:30Papadakis, pause it.
11:31What, are you gonna be mean to me now, Captain Maggie?
11:33Don't do that.
11:34I can't take it.
11:34You're like a mother to me.
11:36Okay.
11:36I may be eight years older than you.
11:38You think you can sink another shot?
11:40Sure.
11:41Easy.
11:46Did you play basketball?
11:47I used to go out back and, like, shoot for hours every day.
11:49But get this, my drunk uncle hung the hoop too high over the garage.
11:53Did he?
11:54Yeah.
11:55If you ever need someone who can hit an 11.5-foot net every time without fail, let me know.
12:02Ow.
12:05Woo!
12:05Woo!
12:06Woo!
12:07Woo!
12:09Woo!
12:10Woo!
12:10Okay, everyone, it's all time.
12:12Let's go, beautiful people.
12:15Woo!
12:16Oh, so, to quote the famous Dutch Chalk Jam, boom-bom-ba-da-boom-ba-da-boom-boom.
12:22Are you all prepared for this?
12:24Yes!
12:26God, I hate this country.
12:27Cor!
12:32All right, guys, listen up, okay?
12:34Megan, I just want to say one thing.
12:36We're totally disappointed in all of you.
12:38Here's Char with the game plan.
12:40Okay, they have to cover every player one-on-one,
12:43so we can create space near the Corf basket by placing a decoy at the far edge of the court.
12:47Oh, so we get the worst girl to stand in the corner and stretch the D.
12:50She, he, or they must keep moving.
12:53So we take the worst girl and we just make her run in circles.
12:55And clearly I'm the worst girl, so I'll-
12:57Nice try.
12:57You're actually too good to be the worst girl.
12:58And I found out about your bets, so I'm not gonna let you throw the game.
13:02Which is why I found her.
13:05Who is she?
13:06I've been here the whole time.
13:07Yeah.
13:08This is private, uh, someone.
13:11I do have a name.
13:12It's-
13:12No time, private someone.
13:14Go practice your circles.
13:15Yeah.
13:16Conway, you're gonna ride the pine.
13:19Woo!
13:20Don't forget, guys, the baker is all mine.
13:23Time to hit the pole, Betty Cucker.
13:27I'm so happy that you're finally connecting with your dad.
13:30It's really nice to see you guys getting along.
13:31But also, it's awful and I want it to stop.
13:34Look, a lot of us just miss the old Captain Maggie.
13:36Oh, I don't know what to say.
13:38Um, oh, yeah, I do, actually.
13:41Ride the pine with Conway.
13:43Papadakis, you're in.
13:47Oh, yeah!
13:48Up, up, up, up.
13:49Oh!
13:50Oh!
13:51Woo!
13:51Three, two, one!
13:53Killing the guy!
13:54Kill the guy!
13:59Dad, pull.
14:00Behind me!
14:02Ooh!
14:06Dad!
14:14Come on!
14:17Come on!
14:29Come on!
14:30Let's go!
14:31Come on!
14:31Woo!
14:33Oh, yeah!
14:36Woo!
14:38Woo!
14:40Woo!
14:41Great half, guys!
14:42Woo!
14:42Oh, these points taste so good.
14:44I wish I could dip them in the ranch.
14:50Colonel Patrick Quinn.
14:52Hey.
14:53What did I tell you about American Corpo?
14:55I hate it.
14:57The violence, the woman running in circles,
15:00unequal to the men on her team.
15:02This is not Corpo.
15:03Okay, you're just upset
15:04because your string bean boyfriend can't keep up.
15:06That is what this is?
15:07Because I have sex with Brom?
15:09No, I don't care that you have sex with two guys.
15:13Well, don't worry.
15:14From now on, I'll just be having sex with one.
15:19Which one?
15:20It's Brom!
15:23Okay.
15:25Blow that thing one more time,
15:27and I'm gonna shove it down your throat.
15:31You got me?
15:34Oh, wait.
15:35Please don't cry.
15:36Little corp boy.
15:39Who have I become?
15:40A villain in a Mighty Ducks movie.
15:42And you dress like one, too.
15:53This is why I stopped playing basketball.
15:57Because I did not like what it brought out in me.
16:00What do you mean?
16:01What do you mean?
16:02What do you mean?
16:02What do I mean?
16:02I mean you.
16:04You're in me.
16:05And if I'm not careful, then it comes out,
16:07and it's like being the Incredible Hulk's daughter.
16:10Okay, well, that's one of the nicest things anybody's ever said to me.
16:13Okay.
16:14You dangled the attention and affection that you withhold from me to do all of this.
16:20Yeah, I pushed the only button available to me to motivate a member of my team.
16:23Why can you not just give me a compliment like a normal dad?
16:30I don't know!
16:31Figure it out!
16:34Why is everyone so mad?
16:36We're winning.
16:38Okay.
16:39I'm gonna go out there.
16:40I'm gonna try and score one of those chicks, and I am not gonna be picky.
16:52We have to lose.
16:54It solves everything.
16:55Maggie, you can prove that you're not your father, and Conway-
16:58Losing gets me my money.
16:59I get it.
17:00I'm in.
17:01All right, guys.
17:01Who's ready to forget about everything that happened in here,
17:04and go back out there and dominate those clock sniffers?
17:08Maybe we don't.
17:09But what did we prove in the first half?
17:11That we could-
17:12That Americans can dominate at any sport we choose.
17:15Everybody knows that.
17:17It's true.
17:17So let's let them have it.
17:18And the only way to make it up to your girlfriend is to lose to your girlfriend's boyfriend.
17:23Lose to Brahm.
17:24Wait a minute.
17:25You want me to take a dive?
17:26It's the only chance to prove that you're more than just your ego.
17:29You wanna win the girl?
17:32Or the game?
17:33No, it's a world blow.
17:34You're using Katja against me.
17:36I'm pushing the only button I have to motivate a member of my team.
17:43Let's do it.
17:45Let's go out there and lay down like French soldiers in front of a German tank.
17:49Hey, stop!
17:51Hey, stop!
17:52All right, team.
17:54We're going to lose.
17:55Shaw, you're in.
17:56Ouch.
17:57Papadakis, you're benched.
17:58You're benching me?
17:59Yeah.
18:01I'm reinventing the game out there, Maggie.
18:03I'm like the Steph Curry of Corfall.
18:05I'm Steph Corfee!
18:09Dana, obviously, you're in.
18:10But can you let private someone know?
18:12Oh, no.
18:12I wouldn't recognize her if I saw her.
18:14I've been here for help.
18:18Whoop!
18:20Whoop!
18:20Whoop!
18:21Whoop!
18:22Whoop!
18:23Whoop!
18:24Whoop!
18:26Whoop!
18:26Whoop!
18:27They're like traumatized lab rats.
18:29I think this losing thing is going to be harder than we thought.
18:31Yeah.
18:32They're going to need a miracle to do.
18:34That's right!
18:35It's time for Puppet D's revenge.
18:37Because I'm playing for y'all now.
18:40What?
18:52For us?
18:54All right, guys.
18:55Six seconds left.
18:56They need one more basket.
18:57Oh, can we give it to the pregnant lady?
18:59I, uh, called her baby at nobody.
19:01You think she can pull it off?
19:02I can get her there.
19:03Trust me.
19:04Oh, no!
19:04What an easy shot!
19:05Oh, no!
19:09Hey, why are you not shooting?
19:11I think she's having contractions.
19:15Did you just hip check a pregnant woman?
19:18He was running out of time, so I had to foul her.
19:20I would've done the same thing.
19:21At least now she gets a penalty shot, right?
19:27Come on, come on, come on.
19:45Hey, Jan, you did it.
19:46You defeated me on the battlefield of Korf.
19:49Yeah, I don't care, Conor.
19:51My friends in labor.
19:52You Americans think life is just about sports.
19:56Life is life.
19:58And I presume your substandard performance at Korf was for my benefit.
20:03Well, it certainly wasn't for Jan's.
20:05Listen, I should've told you, I just don't like the idea of you and the baker.
20:08Yeah?
20:08Jealousy's natural.
20:10But you're going to have to get used to it if you want to carry on seeing me.
20:14Okay.
20:16Is that for the no longer pregnant woman?
20:18Yeah.
20:19It's the least I could do.
20:21I'm so embarrassed that I let myself become the rocket again.
20:24And for what?
20:26Hey, if you're headed that way, could you drop this in his office?
20:29Yeah.
20:41Ugly American aggression pushes women into labor.
20:55So you're a, uh, baker?
20:58Tough pastries and profiteroles.
21:00Wow.
21:01And, um, you are American army men.
21:04Yes.
21:05Yeah.
21:06I don't know how to...
21:08Oh, continue talking.
21:10Maybe you find you have something in common.
21:14Okay, um...
21:15We, we both like strong, intelligent women, that's...
21:18I cannot do this.
21:20It is too weird.
21:22Yes.
21:23I told you I always win.
21:25I even win the Sensitive Man Contest.
21:27Go on.
21:28I am impressed.
21:29But we must do this for everyone else I'm having sex with.
21:32And how many people is...
21:34Eleven.
21:34Eleven.
21:35It's going so well!
21:37As we all know.
21:42Bye, friend, now!
21:43I'll be right back.
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