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00:02you want to make the base useful let us build something useful on the base but in order to do
00:06that of course i have to charm the appropriations committee and then we have to deal with those
00:10vacuous vote whores in washington dc it's a vicious cycle oh that's oh my god that really
00:18opened up we agreed i had the night off oh yeah listen it's your anniversary happy anniversary
00:25thank you we can talk about it tomorrow oh well tomorrow's saturday and we should hit it hard
00:30on monday the universal day for starting work and also funding requests aren't due for another six
00:34weeks so i know the key to staying one step ahead is being two steps ahead at all times last
00:40summer
00:40we weren't and we got some funding for what the stupid frisbee golf course that nobody likes well
00:45that's actually called disc golf and it's pretty popular i played with some people in college
00:48that's the robos yeah but now we're soldiers not stoner virgins afraid of real sports listen you
00:54guys enjoy it's your anniversary enjoy the dinner and i'm taking this with you where her yes oh
01:00that's his one you can have mine
01:02mhm
01:05mhm
01:05abe did you not tell him we were going away this weekend no i did he just hasn't approved my
01:10leave
01:11yet but don't worry about it i've succeeded in getting leave last minute before oh yeah after
01:15a protracted game of cat and mouse i was able to attend half my uncle's funeral oh thank you
01:23from the colonel congrats no one thought you'd make it did you get the note
01:51so hey i just wanted to run something by you um it's celeste's idea but i'm on board too it's
01:56a
01:56little unconventional oh i know what's going on she wants to do weird sex stuff right oh no no no
02:00you know what happens is when a relationship starts to go south of a marriage yeah they read
02:04a cosmo article the next thing you know fingers are going places they should never be going right
02:08listen you're vanilla yeah and that's okay yeah it is vanilla is the world's most popular flavor
02:13for a reason a little help for me look at this this is why i hate saturdays right because it's
02:19like
02:19you and me are the only two people working we sure are i just need to ask you for this
02:24weekend off for
02:25my anniversary once again you know i promised to work the next five saturdays which is plenty of time
02:29to finish by the deadline i don't want to cut it that close and also i i gave you a
02:33day to celebrate
02:34your anniversary that's all you need you're celebrating a day in your life with a day
02:38have you seen a little disc hey jan this yours yes it has my name on it yeah yeah okay
02:46let me show
02:46you something pal this disc belongs to me now oh my god what are you doing here i thought you
02:52were
02:52going on your big trip to bruges i saw celeste's anniversary post that said y'all were cruising for
02:57a bruges you were supposed to go today but then the colonel's making me work can't you just have
03:01somebody fill in okay yeah i'm just gonna go to the shah store and find some extra shah watch some
03:04shah order i'm so sorry i'm freaking out right now okay okay look i have people feeling for me
03:10all the time remember last week when we had that inventory meeting on zoom that wasn't me that was
03:15regina from special ops okay but you did a presentation yeah we face swapped and she lip synced
03:20all you need to do is find yourself a regina and swap a ring okay so it's like the indiana
03:24jones hand
03:25switch thing he swaps the golden statue for a bag of sand i just need to find a bag of
03:29sand a bag of sand
03:33with nothing better to do dare me to drink this hot sauce we share a bathroom so no too late
03:40oh that's a good bag of sand yeah it really is i need to go use our bathroom no no
03:45just use the
03:45use the team centers
03:53hey uh hey come on in
03:58is everything okay yeah why wouldn't it be oh no i i mean you did comment on celeste's anniversary
04:04post so oh yeah well that's the polite thing to do yeah you also commented hashtag love wins with
04:10six fire emojis yeah yeah that's i mean it had to be convincing well i'm not convinced so that's why
04:16i'm gonna ask you one more time are you okay what a person who's not okay be pulling off a
04:24hat like
04:24this oh and you are pulling it off i'm doing it i know it what is this it is rosé
04:32all day pink
04:32okay look i know that you're not over the situation with celeste and shaw but this is no time to
04:38be
04:39making emotionally charged hair choice it's not it's just a streak a terrible streak yeah a terrible
04:45streak yeah that's it i'm taking you off base you never take me off base especially on the weekends
04:51you didn't even let me drive you to urgent care that time they found your car in a ditch i'm
04:56willing
04:56to make an exception in light of this craft for help streak we gotta get this fixed asap you coming
05:00with me to my salon okay don't forget that off the base privileges can be revoked immediately if you
05:05can't hang oh i can hang no hat no hat and go change yeah of course i'm yeah yeah listen
05:18in the words
05:18to my grandmother when i push her down the slip and slide i just don't think this is a good
05:21idea
05:21the colonel already loves you really yeah yeah it's unconditional hey it's there no he doesn't
05:28not yet at least listen people need to be exposed to me in low doses to build up a tolerance
05:33it's
05:33like babies with peanuts right now if i give the colonel just a little bit of papa d every day
05:3820 years from now he's best man at my wedding what about if i teach you everything you need to
05:42know then we can cut it down to 10. i don't know if i'm gonna meet a model that likes
05:47me by then
05:49who am i kidding okay i got pretty good people instincts and i know when someone's desperate
05:56like this you should probably trust him i'm in yeah what do i need to bring nothing just your
06:01computer and a high tolerance for verbal abuse all right what snacks like sweet or savory snacks oh
06:06you don't need to worry about that the colonel only eats beef jerky when he's working it's his
06:08perfect food meat gum oh and by the way under no circumstances defend waiting in lines geneva
06:14conventions or paddington so let's go i got a train to catch come on
06:21hey thank you so much for bringing me to your cool secret salon okay i'm just a regular person
06:26always good to see you zelda
06:34look me bringing you to my salon and me letting you in on my personal life are two different things
06:38i live in a moral gray area i don't know if people know much about me well you know my
06:43deepest darkest
06:43secret they're not that dark one day they might be i'm i'm just trying to get you to open up
06:49yeah
06:49yeah i know that but i'll be right back
07:01and now they're kissing okay hey hey hey hey is everything uh chill out here yeah chill who is this
07:09blowout with the sad eyes your new partner don't worry about it she doesn't tell me anything either
07:16well i got it over the border you can take it from here hi oh
07:24yikes seems like a tricky situation is she um like a friend of yours or exalda maybe we talked
07:30about this no we didn't oh yeah we did no we didn't and i would like to
07:37it's like hacking with some friends okay what's up colonel what's he doing here oh well with only
07:45six weeks to write our three-page request we need a shortcut and papadakis here is our shortcut he's
07:50gonna hack into the other bases proposals and give us an unfair advantage i like the sound of that
07:54yeah fairness is overrated ah hey you have not earned meat gum my friend okay well i'm already in
08:04the usa gv spotted back door looks like they're requesting five million dollars to promote
08:12mental health unbelievable what a bunch of paddington's right we don't need to go
08:17near controversial topics no no no what is your opinion of paddington soldier
08:24there's another word for a bear that lives in your house rent-free eating your marmalade
08:29a bum that's the one thank you this little bear he's got no job but he's got a briefcase what's
08:34in the briefcase you tell me i'll tell you what's in the briefcase not pants he doesn't wear any
08:38you know what i like the cut of your jib have yourself some meat gum hey okay all right look
08:46at
08:46this dynamic deal it's like uh i don't even need to be here right what what am i doing here
08:51right
08:52what are you doing here
09:00i like hacking i know it's a nerd word but it's the only thing about computers i think sounds tough
09:05like gene hackman hacksaw ridge wow i really wish i knew something about computers since today's task
09:10seems pretty computer dependent we're okay here i think you can go ahead and take your little trip now
09:15trip yeah oh the trip oh yeah i actually totally forgot about it i mean i could check on tickets
09:19if
09:20they're still available great go have fun and we'll see you later if you need me you know all
09:24right you can get out of here bud just you know making sure you're all set dynamic duo
09:31you ever seen indiana jones he pulls a little sandbag switch he thinks he got away with it till
09:40the big boulder comes rumbling thundering down after him you know why because the boulder wasn't fooled
09:49i'm the boulder i only saw the one with shia labeouf i'm a bit lost
09:58so yeah you seem pretty down and i what's in the back nothing you need to worry about well no
10:05i'm not
10:05worried i'm just you know asking questions as a friend and sometimes friends answer i gotta go in
10:10here i'll be right back
10:24i know it's last minute yeah it's over three kilos but i'll i'll still take care of it for you
10:30oh i appreciate you laura as you know i owe you all right do you want to leave it here
10:34or
10:34oh no no no i feel much safer with it with me
10:42that's just my friend you know what there's no way anything was gonna stop this anniversary trip
10:46and the colonel was pretty cool about it not that i'm thinking about the colonel but you know what
10:50just call me colin farrell because my head is already in brood oh i guess that makes me
10:55friend english it oh well he's a good actor hey hey a little help hey you guys uh heading out
11:01on
11:01your little anniversary trip huh sure are yeah what are you two doing out here i thought you
11:05were working in that you hated disc golf you know what i apologize for that because now i realize
11:10the error of my ways papadakis and i were working away my brain was melting staring at that computer
11:15while we were hacking and he said i know the perfect antidote he says disc golf before i could say
11:20no he
11:20says how can you say no no before you say yes wow anyways so now i guess we're kind of
11:28throw bros
11:29oh wow you got a handshake too yeah yeah well we'll see you guys on uh monday just one second
11:34just one second here okay so this is kind of funny because i brought in papadakis here as glorified
11:39i.t i know yeah here you are just just hitting it off we've got this natural dynamic it's like
11:44this
11:44works do you yeah push pull yin yang lennon and mccartney we're making music together
11:50it's crazy yeah here's the thing about him this yeah he yeah he's not a yes man you know what
11:57thank you sir i love a good challenge why don't we make this a foursome you and your friend versus
12:03me and my friend wife wife we're never gonna be friends let's go let's go
12:15latte no i'm actually gonna go back i gotta go to the bathroom and it's a small town distinct
12:21to choose so you should try the secrets that i could discover yeah
12:33find your way back to warrior two stretch those of arms to the left and come back to center
12:46jan jan jan shh
12:50namaste maggie quinn sorry i just need your help with something i knew this moment would come
12:55and i am flattered that you ask but i simply cannot donate any more sperm apparently now my
13:00chromosomes are a threat of genetic diversity no that's no thank you i just need you to tell me
13:06in your expert opinion if this bag is full of drugs if you can't remember there's a good chance it
13:11is
13:11it's not my bag it is my friend's bag and why don't you just open it then let's see well
13:16that would
13:17violate my friend's trust but if i had to guess i would say that it feels like three kilos of
13:22something very powdery three kilos give it ya okay
13:31oh yeah i'm sorry to inform you but this bag is not drugs you're sure honey i've been escorted
13:36out of amsterdam twice yes i'm sure okay well that is a relief to hear you know i mean the
13:41drugs part
13:41everything you've said is very disturbing what are you doing i said don't open it oh yes it is
13:46something you said yeah yeah my short-term memory is not good on account of real drugs but you'll be
13:52happy to hear that your friends cremated remains appear to be in excellent condition cremated remains
13:59why would why would she be smuggling cremated remains across the border sometimes you just have
14:05to make a body disappear and even the local police are scary good at finding dna these days
14:11and i'm sort of an expert on dna on account of all the sperm i give out
14:20let me show you how we do it at suny binghamton all right okay okay
14:25no gun gun gun what relax it's a bb gun yeah we're not playing the normal crap ways
14:32playing colonel rule that's right it's more interesting makes it harder okay if we leave
14:38right now we could still make it to dinner at the pizza hut in the 500 year old castle and
14:42i know you
14:42want to do that that sounds lame balls i like you because you speak everything you have on your
14:49mind goes right out of your mouth you know what you're gonna make a great xo one day even for
14:53me
14:53maybe oh hey shah's rules hey he's bleeding oh my god are you okay totally unprovoked attack on
15:04innocent bystand unprovoked yes one minute i'm the only guy in the world who can help you
15:08and the next you're flipping discs with this guy because you both hate paddington you know you
15:12should be one talking people about how they're treated you've been indiana jonesing me this whole
15:17time i can't believe you did this to me you know first you first you leave me for that half
15:21a funeral
15:21six years ago and now this forget it i know we're done you you know what you know i'm gonna
15:26give you
15:26the next five weekends up and you can go visit all the tiniest countries in europe and have boring sex
15:31there okay stop it you've gone way past being co-workers to being codependent obsession
15:37we just work together i used to blame you for ruining our marriage but now i'm realizing it takes
15:42two to play frisbee golf and our sex by the way is exotic and spontaneous and sometimes it is quite
15:48kinky okay i just wanted a nice weekend with my husband for our anniversary and neither of you
15:55wanted to give me that the only difference is only one of you vowed to put me first for the
16:00rest of
16:00your life that hurts and this hurts too my nose
16:15so i stole your bag you don't say get in what is the wrong with you i opened the bag
16:21so i know that
16:22there's remains in there which i can't unknow or unsmell and i need you to know that i'm your
16:28friend dana i'm gonna do whatever i can to help you okay i'll call an attorney i'll call a funeral
16:33home i'll call a doctor it's probably too late for a doctor but but i will do whatever you ask
16:38me okay
16:38because i know that you would do the same for me maggie yeah they're dog ashes they're dog ashes
16:45yes they're dog ashes they're my sweet little paprika to be exact wait what why were you being
16:54so secretive about it because i told you repeatedly i didn't want to talk about it i'm just saying that
16:59sometimes being a friend is just being there well passivity is not my strong suit but but i'm gonna
17:05you know get working on that i can't believe this stole the bag yeah i suck i'm no i can't
17:13believe
17:13that you were willing to do anything for me like that is that's sweet you're a real one
17:22so that girl that you saw me arguing with at the salon okay that was actually my ex-girlfriend
17:28annie okay yeah we lived together in germany and for some reason we kept adopting elderly greyhounds
17:33which i do not recommend because at first they're already like little skeletons and then by the end
17:38they're tiny grim reapers lurking around your home just waiting to break your heart
17:43oh yeah paprika was the last dog we adopted together and when she died a couple weeks ago
17:49i asked annie to do me a favor and drive her ashes across the border so they didn't get caught
17:53up in
17:54customs and the sketchy guy at the antique store was hooking me up with an urn
17:59oh i'm so sorry for your loss cool okay i guess talking about things isn't so bad wow that
18:07relationship with your ex seems really complicated yeah the sharing portion is old okay it's ridiculous
18:12and it it keeps happening i know i know look i'm sorry about the trip okay i know i do
18:17this i do
18:18blame work and the colonel for our relationship problems but you're right it's my fault too okay from
18:23now on when it is our time the colonel no longer exists hey why is the door locked he has
18:31a key
18:32okay it's just for emergencies and snacks i will change the locks all right good listen up
18:37i need you to work next weekend i can't do it yeah you have to do it i'll tell you
18:41why because i was
18:42thinking about the appropriations but we're never going to get the funding we need to fix everything
18:45that's broken on the base i think we turn stroopstorf into a destination for like summits and
18:51peace talks and maybe even war planning okay okay yeah secure low-profile destination with high-end
18:56accommodations sounds useful but it's a bad time for that bad time for that okay i need you to take
19:03this proposal okay to the commander of benelux and wait three days for a response because it's
19:08time sensitive okay we need permission and he is at a conference in paris and i need you to take
19:16this public affairs officer with you because she is going to write the press release
19:20if you in fact get permission i have always wanted to go to paris
19:30yeah let's grab these pretzels and uh oh my god no these are the ones i told you to stop
19:36getting
19:36they're too dry i mean i'm gonna eat them anyways but i'll make a list
19:43hey colonel yeah hey hey um thank you hey listen man i bet there's so many divorces i can smell
19:52one
19:52coming from a mile away it'll stop maybe a little febreze to take the stink off look some of the
19:58things
19:58i said i didn't mean it's just that this uh working relationship is important to me
20:08yeah yeah yeah me too i mean i'm uh you know i to me you're my favorite uh co-worker
20:18i've ever had
20:19like i feel like we're really you know we're so uh perfect together that when you go away i'm like
20:26what am i gonna do i'm who can i co-work with and i can't really with anybody so
20:32i got something in my eye right now i got something oh paprika oh it's paprika
20:40oh that's that explains it i didn't i didn't taste like paprika
20:53sir permission to not be your friend anymore oh pop it out because that whole thing was fake
20:57i know it started out that way but like all great movies and it turned into something real
21:01and i'm just here to let you know that it is not going to work out between us
21:04hell i couldn't handle being your fake friend i think the real thing would kill me
21:08i guess what i'm trying to say is goodbye man goodbye to us hanging out on the weekend
21:18i didn't earn this meat gum
21:21have a good life what the hell is going on i think you just got dumped
21:31it's going so well
21:37you
21:38you
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