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Transcript
00:01Let's go!
00:02She has no recollection of the last eight years.
00:06I came here to help you.
00:07Kitchen nightmares.
00:08Are you in?
00:09And going Dutch.
00:12First guns I've seen on the base.
00:14All available now.
00:18So, can you figure out what's causing these blackouts?
00:21I wish I could be more specific, but, um, as I told you several times before, I'm not an electrician.
00:25Mm-hmm.
00:26Oh.
00:28Chewed right through.
00:29Mice.
00:29See, they think because they're cute I won't kill them, but F killed cuter.
00:33Sir, I don't think that mice have a perception of their own attractiveness.
00:38Okay, that's unsettling.
00:39Dark is nothing to be afraid of, my friend.
00:41Just remember that.
00:43Ah!
00:44Did you see that?
00:45See what?
00:46An Irish woman.
00:47Aisling.
00:48Delicate, gorgeous, but with a heart as cold as ice.
00:52Ah!
00:53A German woman.
00:55Impenetrable.
00:55Mysterious.
00:57Louisa.
00:58Hey, sir, do you think you're in a poem right now?
00:59No, I'm not in a poem.
01:00Come on, we gotta go.
01:01Oh, yeah.
01:04Ha!
01:05You going somewhere, Patrick?
01:07Nina.
01:07Hi, Patty.
01:08Guten Tag.
01:09Hey.
01:12What's happening?
01:12Uh, all three of my ex-wives come back to haunt me.
01:36So, this is very fascinating.
01:39All three of you in my office at exactly the same time.
01:42I don't remember wronging a gypsy or...
01:44Oh!
01:45You can't say that.
01:46You're reminding me of Maggie now.
01:47There they are!
01:48Hi, Mom!
01:50Hi!
01:51Alles gut?
01:53Hi, my baby.
01:54Hi, Mom.
01:54You're on a kissing and hugging basis with all my ex-wives, not just your mom.
01:57The Quinn family goes on vacation every year.
02:00Me and my mom, Maeve and her mom, and Louisa, who's a mom to us all.
02:03Thank you, dear.
02:04You guys go on vacation together?
02:06Yeah.
02:06And you never thought of inviting me?
02:08No.
02:09Okay.
02:10We've only been doing it since our divorce, so 20 years.
02:13Oh, just two decades of going behind my back.
02:16Well, it's only behind your back because you turned your back on us.
02:18Do you remember that little bit?
02:19It really hasn't been a secret.
02:21I officiated Aisling's second wedding, you looked beautiful.
02:24Louisa and I were on the amazing race together.
02:27Wow.
02:27And they should have won.
02:29But at that time, everything went wrong.
02:31Stop blaming yourself.
02:32Denver's airport is like Satan's hedge maze.
02:35You are my sister, and I love you.
02:37And I love you.
02:38Oh.
02:38I'm not loving this.
02:39What's not to love?
02:41Did you know that Aisling's hedge fund is now the sixth largest in Europe?
02:45Hey, you couldn't crack the top five, huh?
02:46Couldn't.
02:47General.
02:47Oh, sorry.
02:48Colonel.
02:49You're still a Colonel.
02:50And Louisa just won the 2025 Leibniz Prize for her work in epigenetics.
02:54Glückwunsch, Louisa.
02:56Dankeschön.
02:57Unbelievable.
02:58Colonel, here's the report on the electric.
02:59Oh, my God, Nina Quinn.
03:02I hate to be a fangirl, but could I ask you to do your sign off?
03:06I'm Nina Quinn, and from all of us at WDZM, have a great night.
03:12I will.
03:13Okay.
03:17Oh.
03:19Does she think you invented saying, you know, have a great night?
03:22No, she thinks I perfected it.
03:24We're not gonna be in your hair for long.
03:26We're stopping by quickly to see Maggie, and then we're leaving for Cologne tomorrow,
03:29and the Quinn family vacation is officially gonna start.
03:32You can't call the Quinn family vacation if I'm not involved.
03:36That's my name.
03:37You guys need to get a new name.
03:38Well, there's three of us, and there's only one of you, so it's our name now.
03:44Sergeant, status update.
03:46All the washers are down, and if we don't get them running soon, then we are gonna be drowning in
03:49dirty laundry.
03:50All right.
03:51So, uh, we are up a creek getting beat on with a paddle, huh?
03:55Mm-hmm.
03:57Why are you both so chipper?
03:59You see that stone cold fossil over there?
04:01We've been really hitting it off.
04:03Yeah, correction.
04:03We've been hitting it off.
04:04She said my hair.
04:06What's that?
04:07Okay, that's a completely normal statement.
04:09It's like saying you have two feet.
04:11Yeah, sure.
04:12Where'd you go last summer?
04:14Uh, the Emerald Isle off the Carolina coast where the family beach house is.
04:17Family beach house?
04:18Bad news.
04:19It's the mice's world, and our laundry's just living in it.
04:22Oh, we're not gonna be able to call an exterminator or an Alexa national holiday.
04:26But we can tackle the mice problem ourselves, right?
04:29We could bait traps with our base's strength.
04:32Cheese.
04:33It's a great idea.
04:34Effective.
04:34Terrible idea.
04:35It sounds like an episode of Tom and Jerry.
04:37What's the next pitch?
04:38I dress up like a girl mouse and try to lure the boy mice out?
04:41I'd like to see that, actually.
04:42No, go on.
04:43It's so fun listening to you shoot down my ideas for the umpteenth time.
04:46Do you want to ask me again why I prefer my three moms?
04:49One mom, and two really basically complete strangers that I married.
04:53Okay?
04:53By the way, I'm great on vacations.
04:54I come alive.
04:55On vacation?
04:56You know, I went on vacation with him when he first got separated.
04:59Where was that place in Mexico?
05:00Mazala.
05:00Okay.
05:01Was I not a delight?
05:02He did wear a puka shell necklace to dinner once.
05:04I wore a puka shell necklace, okay?
05:05Yeah.
05:06And I talked to those people that day.
05:07He yelled at those people.
05:08You have never been invited because you have never expressed any interest in any of us.
05:12After abandoning all of us.
05:14Okay, you're thinking about the old me.
05:15I'm changed.
05:16I really, the last couple of months of being around such a strong, intelligent woman has
05:20kind of altered me.
05:21I think altered my DNA.
05:22That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
05:25Like by far.
05:26Oh, I'm sorry.
05:26I was talking about Katja.
05:27Oh my god.
05:29And I don't believe you about the puka shells!
05:31Did you take a picture?
05:32You wouldn't like me.
05:34Did you do all of this?
05:35You did.
05:36Well, we did.
05:37Amazing.
05:37This is just amazing, Margaret.
05:39My baby makes the best cheese ever!
05:42I knew this would happen.
05:44You knew I would make cheese?
05:45I knew you were destined for greatness because you have the strength to throw off whatever
05:50burden life thrusts at you.
05:52Speaking of, is the red-haired screamer still as self-obsessed as ever?
05:56Hey guys!
05:56Listen to me.
05:57Yes.
05:58I just figured out why you guys don't invite me on your trips.
06:01Why is that?
06:02You don't like me, right?
06:04Hmm.
06:05Yes.
06:05Yeah.
06:06That is true.
06:06But see, you're thinking of the old me.
06:08Aha!
06:09Have you changed?
06:10Yes.
06:11This is gas now.
06:12No, I want to hear this out.
06:13How have you changed?
06:14In so many ways, I wouldn't know where to begin to list them.
06:16We'll just begin with one thing.
06:18I'm...
06:18Okay.
06:19Kinda on the spot here, but uh...
06:21You wanna prove you've changed?
06:23Yeah.
06:23You can come to dinner with us tonight.
06:25Oh.
06:25Tonight.
06:26Tonight.
06:27Can't take tonight cause I'm...
06:29Working.
06:29How about you?
06:30He was working when you were born.
06:32Yep.
06:32He was working when you broke your leg.
06:34Yeah.
06:34He was working when you were in a coma.
06:36Yep.
06:36You know what I'm gonna do?
06:36I'm gonna have you tell Shah to handle the wiring crisis in the laundry center.
06:41And I'm gonna come to dinner with you tonight.
06:43What an honor.
06:44As a matter of fact, I'm also gonna bring my new girlfriend.
06:46And she used to be a prostitute.
06:48Okay.
06:49What am I supposed to do with that?
06:50Well, now she's a doctor.
06:52She has like two PhDs.
06:53In what?
06:55One of the things is like a sex thing, I think.
06:57Well, she'll tell you tonight.
06:58Prostitute turned doctor.
06:59What time?
07:00Seven.
07:00Seven o'clock.
07:01Is that all right for your prostitute doctor?
07:03She's not a prostitute anymore.
07:04She works doctor's hours now.
07:06So she'll be free.
07:08Amazing.
07:18Hey.
07:19Hey.
07:20You listened to my idea.
07:21Yeah, I said it was a good idea.
07:23And I only say things that I mean unless I tell a magician that I'm not impressed.
07:28I'm always impressed.
07:29I just don't want them to have power over my mind.
07:30Right.
07:31And hey, I asked some of the troops if they would start hand washing the laundry.
07:34That's good.
07:34It'll buy some time.
07:35Way to take initiative.
07:36Way to execute my genius plan.
07:38Well, look at us.
07:38Look at us.
07:39I'm like Penn and Teller.
07:41You're a magic guy, huh?
07:52Oh, I did not know there would be so much decapitation.
07:56Those are the lucky ones.
07:58Oh.
07:59A lucky one.
08:02Hey.
08:03Hi.
08:03I need you to come to this dinner tonight and act as a buffer.
08:05Buffer?
08:06Yep.
08:06No.
08:07Why?
08:07Because it reminds me of when I was a sad little girl stuck in the middle of you and Mom's
08:12divorce desperately trying to make you guys less angry.
08:15You did an awful job of it too because we were constantly fighting and all you did was cry.
08:19So this is your chance to rectify that mistake.
08:23I am leaving.
08:23Okay.
08:24Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
08:24I need to win here.
08:25So I need your help to defeat these women in asymmetrical conversational combat.
08:30Dinner with amazing women is not combat.
08:33That's ridiculous.
08:34Everything is combat.
08:35Especially marriage.
08:36You should learn that lesson now.
08:38Fine.
08:39I'll be there.
08:40See?
08:41Everything is combat.
08:43And I just won this battle.
08:47So, how do you want to play this with mods?
08:49Some sort of, like, dibs system?
08:50In which case, dibs?
08:52Well, I sent everyone away to level the playing field.
08:54And we'll leave it for her to decide and let the best me win.
08:59Oh, my!
09:01I love your earrings.
09:03Wow.
09:04And I'm very taken by your perfume.
09:06Take a whiff.
09:09Scent is deeply connected to memory.
09:12And now you'll never forget me.
09:15I smell a bit ripe.
09:18Sweating pretty hard after archery practice.
09:20Oh, wow.
09:22I'm also an archer.
09:23Maybe you could give me a couple pointers.
09:25I need help notching my cock feather.
09:27Notching cock feathers is my specialty.
09:30This is so random.
09:31I would love to.
09:33Until then.
09:35Sweet boy with hair that is long.
09:42Okay.
09:43How is this possible?
09:44Well, you had it easy, Conway.
09:47Charisma, your conventional good looks.
09:49But I do the work.
09:51And I am not above an Instagram stock.
09:53It's 2025.
09:54Everybody does it.
09:56And then dad insists that I come tonight.
09:59I thought you said he was making strides.
10:01Baby could make bigger strides.
10:03Many have.
10:04You were walking when you were eight months.
10:06When are you not gonna find every excuse to brag about me?
10:09When you stop being so talented.
10:10That's not gonna happen.
10:12So, I'll just get used to it.
10:14Plus, I told Shaw that I would help him.
10:16And honestly, I'd rather do that.
10:17It's nice to work with somebody who actually listens to my input.
10:22Truly, the best thing about dad coming has been Shaw.
10:25What is that supposed to mean?
10:26I talk to you every day.
10:27And every day you talk to me about Shaw.
10:29A lot.
10:30So, I'm thinking you have a little crush.
10:32That's insane.
10:33First of all, he's a major.
10:34And I'm a captain.
10:35So, it's a no-go.
10:36And he's semi-divorced.
10:37And you'll be happy to know I've actually sworn off dating men like dad.
10:41So, I'm not gonna start with his right-hand man.
10:43Those are a lot of really well-thought-out reasons to not do something you've never considered.
10:49We're good friends.
10:50That is what you said about Cole.
10:52And you were together for three years.
10:53That was when I was 15.
10:55And it's totally different.
10:57If you wanna go help your friend, um, you don't have to come to dinner.
11:01Dad can fend for himself.
11:02Really?
11:02Yes.
11:03Wait, but what about you guys?
11:05He hurt three of the strongest women on Earth.
11:08If he tries it again, we will be picking him out of our teeth before dessert.
11:12Cool.
11:12Mm-hmm.
11:15Oh, man.
11:15Maggie just canceled.
11:16This is a disaster.
11:18No, we will be fine without her.
11:20Look, this is simply a dinner with three women who loved you.
11:23Mm-hmm.
11:23And then stop.
11:24Yeah.
11:25But I'm just worried they're gonna gang up on you like the apex predator pack animals that they are.
11:30Well, do not worry.
11:31I'm a big girl in all the right places, too.
11:34Mm-hmm.
11:35Mm-hmm.
11:35Uncooked herring in light brine.
11:38They got the fish, but they keep the pancreas.
11:41Yum!
11:42Oh, the pancreas.
11:43Mm.
11:44Oh.
11:47Yeah.
11:48So, I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to you guys.
11:53Oh.
11:53For being the stepping stones on my way to meeting Katja, a woman who has changed me.
11:59And, uh, I actually made a list of how I've changed.
12:03It's short.
12:04Vintage motorcycles.
12:05Okay.
12:06Didn't have an interest in those before.
12:07I do now.
12:08Number two.
12:09Handmade leather belts.
12:10Ch-ch-ch-
12:11What?
12:11I think we'd rather talk about Katja.
12:14Yeah.
12:14Here we go.
12:15Incoming.
12:16Like I told you, hon.
12:17Katja.
12:17Mm.
12:18I googled you.
12:20Okay.
12:20I found your paper on intersectional sex work and late stage capitalism, and it was,
12:24I mean, wow, riveting.
12:26You read my dissertation?
12:27Yes.
12:28Oh, we all have.
12:29It's so well researched.
12:32I worked hard.
12:33I did university in Oslo, and then did my masters in psychology in Munich.
12:37München?
12:38You speak German?
12:40But of course, I like your language.
12:43Wow!
12:44You speak German.
12:45You don't.
12:46You were married for two years, and you never learned?
12:49I speak a lot of languages.
12:50I speak all the languages from the countries that we invaded during my career.
12:53I just missed Germany by, like, 40 years.
12:55He asked all the old people in my hometown if they were Nazis.
12:58Ugh.
12:58That was sad.
12:59Because he always goes to Nazis.
13:02I know you guys are talking about Nazis.
13:03He has an obsession.
13:05Nazi, Nazi, Nazi.
13:06By the way, I killed a Nazi recently.
13:13Hey.
13:13Oh, hey.
13:14There you are.
13:15I was worried you abandoned me.
13:16No.
13:16No.
13:17I'm here.
13:18Here with my buddy.
13:20With my pal.
13:21My friend.
13:22Okay.
13:23You're being weird.
13:24I'm being weird.
13:25Yeah.
13:26You are the one with a shovel full of dead mice.
13:28That's fair.
13:29Yeah.
13:29Grab that back.
13:30There we go.
13:31All right.
13:31Don't make eye contact.
13:32Don't make eye contact.
13:34Good.
13:34All right.
13:35So what other genius ideas you got for me?
13:37I found an electrician who's available today.
13:39Oh, that's great.
13:41Okay.
13:42Yeah.
13:42I see what the problem is here, sirs.
13:43There's way too many wires in this thing.
13:46Literally everyone else was busy.
13:48Conway and Papadakis are off chasing tail.
13:50So we just gotta work with what we got.
13:53Which is YouTube and BA.
13:55BA, can you ground the green wire and then connect the yellow and brown?
13:59I am colorblind, so these all look brown.
14:02But oh, this one feels...
14:03Wait, you're what?
14:03...very brown.
14:04Oh!
14:05Oh my god!
14:06Oh!
14:06Oh my god!
14:08Oh!
14:09Oh!
14:10Oh no, no!
14:11Did we recently get metal rooms?
14:13Yeah!
14:13The wooden ones were giving people splinters!
14:15I'd love a splinter right now.
14:16Okay, I go night-night.
14:19Oh!
14:19Oh!
14:20God, you're great!
14:22At the end, I was so drunk that I had a hotel bed for me.
14:26But unfortunately, there was another man in there.
14:28Oh my god!
14:31Okay, alright, laugh it out.
14:34Yeah, I know you're laughing at me.
14:37A big thing in your little secret language.
14:39Nobody was talking about you.
14:40Oh really?
14:41Honestly, we never talk about you.
14:43You guys never talk about me?
14:44Yeah, like I believe anybody would believe that.
14:47Never.
14:47That's impossible.
14:48The only way you all know each other is because of me.
14:50I don't even know why you guys get along so well after all the stuff that went down.
14:53Like when I was having breakup sex with Luisa still while Nina and I were starting our relationship.
14:58I mean that would be like a speed bump for anybody.
15:01You know what I mean?
15:05Well done.
15:08Uh, so I guess it's possible they weren't talking about me.
15:12I feel like we're not gonna get to the list.
15:19Did you and your ex-wife ever do any couples therapy?
15:22No.
15:23Therapy, I'm not doing therapy.
15:25I even skipped the therapy scenes in The Sopranos.
15:27That show for me was a show about a really happy mobster guy living this really cool mobster life.
15:32And then like he has a couple issues with his mom.
15:34How did your marriage end?
15:35In the normal way.
15:36I mean I'd get shipped overseas.
15:38We'd stop communicating.
15:39And then, I don't know, a couple months later I'd get some divorce papers in the mail.
15:42So you abandoned it?
15:43No.
15:44I had a battle plan.
15:45I burned the boats behind me and kept marching forward.
15:48I am guessing that it didn't feel so good to be the boat on fire.
15:51I'm going to use my psychology degree to do couples therapy for you.
15:57Actually, couples, couples, couples therapy.
15:59Oh, that's a great idea.
16:01Yeah, cause then I can fake my way through that.
16:03They'd have to admit that I changed and I went.
16:05No, no.
16:06Of course I do.
16:06You have to do this for real.
16:09Because I know you want to be a Quinn.
16:10I am a Quinn.
16:11What are you talking about?
16:12I'm the original Quinn.
16:13What?
16:14Okay.
16:15No, I am.
16:15No, I get it.
16:20So you're sneaking behind my back, stealing Maude with your sexy cheese dates.
16:26Have you no honor?
16:27Okay, slow down, Corporal.
16:28I wasn't familiar with your game.
16:30This is me saying I'm sorry.
16:32What?
16:33Oh, wow.
16:34Is this all for me, Elias?
16:36Yes.
16:37Come chow down on some cam and beer and we'll chat quivers.
16:43A true dream.
16:44Also, I might have bailed out when I stalked her Instagram and found out she was a flat
16:48earther.
16:48That's a deal breaker for me.
16:50I don't believe in deal breakers.
16:51I once dated a girl who I'm pretty sure killed a guy.
16:55Like, not even a stranger.
16:56Like, someone I knew.
16:58I'm so glad you're feeling better.
17:00I'm gonna get you water.
17:01Yeah, thanks.
17:03Oh, that's a nice picture.
17:06Who is that?
17:06Uh, my ex-wife and, uh, stepson.
17:09You're divorced?
17:10Yeah, didn't we talk about that?
17:12Yeah, yeah, you did.
17:13I'm messing with you.
17:13That is Celeste.
17:15You met in San Diego.
17:16And that's Gabriel.
17:17Yeah, you talk about them a lot.
17:20Okay, I'm sorry.
17:20We should really talk about your issues with your dad for a change.
17:23I don't talk about that very much at all.
17:26It's only when he does something awful all the time.
17:29So it is all the time.
17:30Yeah.
17:30I think it's nice that you guys have a good relationship.
17:34Yeah.
17:34With Gabriel, it's easy.
17:36You know?
17:36With Celeste, it's a little harder.
17:38Mm.
17:39But the pain makes it real.
17:40You know?
17:40It's like, it reminds you of the good things you did and everything you failed to do.
17:44And I mean, what am I gonna do?
17:46Cut her out of my life?
17:47Well, you are nothing like the Colonel.
17:49My dad would really rather jump on a live grenade than speak this openly with someone.
17:55Well, I don't know.
17:56Maybe it's because I just experienced mild electrical shock.
17:58But you're not just someone.
18:03I've actually never talked about this with anyone before.
18:12Boobs!
18:13Oh, thank God.
18:13I touched boobs.
18:16Consensual makeup straight into under the sweater action.
18:19Why are you telling us this?
18:20Well, I'm telling everyone.
18:21So you're going door to door?
18:22Yeah.
18:23Oh, also, I fixed the wiring with that YouTube video you sent.
18:27Because Papa D likes to do his dirty business under the lights.
18:33Hey!
18:33Okay.
18:34You!
18:35I touched boobs today.
18:36What did you do?
18:38So I believe your issues all come from the same wound.
18:41Mm.
18:41Nina, Ersling, Luisa, you do not talk about Patrick because none of you experienced closure after
18:47he disappeared.
18:47Now, I want all you wonderful ladies to say the thing that you never had the chance to.
18:52And Patrick will listen from a place of non-judgment.
18:56New me does not find this stupid or resent it at all.
19:01Okay.
19:02Patrick, you are the most focused person in the world.
19:05And to be the center of that focus is intoxicating.
19:08But once I had Maggie, suddenly I became invisible.
19:12Do you know how cruel that is?
19:13Thank you for sending your piece.
19:14No, I'm not done.
19:15I'm just getting warmed up.
19:16Actually, you know what?
19:17Aisling, you jump in, then Luisa, and let's just round-robin this for like an hour so
19:22we don't get too tired.
19:23But that's not what she said.
19:24Patrick.
19:25You absolute mopper.
19:27You were selfish.
19:28And you drank too much.
19:29For me.
19:31And I'm Irish.
19:34You have the emotional intelligence of a show.
19:37To just be invisible to the person you love the most.
19:41To have to see energy.
19:43And I like you.
19:44You were not very good in bed, and you had the energy of a cadaver.
19:47And I cannot believe you have not given the slightest bit of attention to Owen.
19:52Who?
19:53Our grandchild.
19:54What?
19:54Oh.
19:55Still don't love the name.
19:56Okay.
19:57All right.
19:58Okay?
19:58Listen, I get it.
19:59I failed you guys.
20:00Okay?
20:00I knew it then.
20:02And I know it now.
20:03I just don't understand why you want to come on vacation with us.
20:06Because, you know, Maggie talks about it that you're like one big happy family.
20:10Believe it or not, that's what I wanted.
20:12With each one of you.
20:13That's what I thought at the beginning we were gonna have.
20:15And you all said the same thing, which is that I was great at the beginning.
20:19And if you think about vacations, what's a vacation?
20:21It's like a new beginning every time.
20:22Oh.
20:22So, I'm sorry.
20:23Your pitch is that you could be less of a dick in two-week chunks?
20:27There you go.
20:28Of course.
20:29Okay.
20:29Two weeks?
20:30I can do it.
20:31Maybe just give us a moment so we can have a clean family discussion.
20:34Okay.
20:36Okay.
20:37It takes strength to listen to the pain you've caused.
20:41The man these women married would never have been so unselfish.
20:45I'm proud of you.
20:46Thank you, honey.
20:48We've decided we would like to invite you to our trip next year to Hilton Head.
20:55Really?
20:56Yeah.
20:57I consider that a genuine honor.
20:59I can't wait to come.
21:02You know, if I'm free.
21:05Put me down as a standing maybe.
21:10I was thinking it wouldn't kill me to learn Dutch focaccia.
21:14It's a very sweet thing to do for your lover.
21:16Yeah.
21:16You know, the two of you are quite the classic couple.
21:18She's a beautiful lady.
21:20You're just a grumpy old man.
21:21Let's do the lesson before I want to strangle you.
21:24Let's start with the basics.
21:26Okay.
21:26Okay.
21:27Hello.
21:28Hello.
21:28No.
21:29Hello.
21:30Hello.
21:31Listen to me.
21:31Hello.
21:32I'm listening to you.
21:34Are you listening to me?
21:35Hello.
21:35Hello.
21:36That sounded much worse.
21:37Hello.
21:38Hello.
21:39Listen, please.
21:40Get out of my office.
21:42It's going so well.
21:43Hello.
21:44Hello.
21:46Hello.
21:47Hello.
21:48Hello.
21:49Hello.
21:49Hello.
21:49Hello.
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