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00:00I love the world, don't believe in everything you see or hear, read all about it, read all
00:12about it, listen to the world, listen to the world, read all about it, listen to the world,
00:23listen to the world, listen to the world, listen to the world, listen to the world, listen to the world, listen to the world, listen to the world.
00:32Hello and welcome to the last show in our current run of Mock the Week and what a series it's been.
00:34We've danced the samba, we've played the harp and we've enjoyed some hilarious characters ranging from Trago Mills and Princess Monaco of Kent to Alex Salmond.
00:44So, crazy time. Let's see if we can re-capture a bit of that magic now as we present our annual randomly assembled jumble of outtakes,
00:52old favourites and brand new material. Hope you enjoy it.
00:55We start with a round call, if this is the answer,
00:57what is the question? On the board are six categories.
01:00Sarah, which category would you like?
01:01Politics, please.
01:03OK, the category is politics.
01:05The answer is oil, money and missiles.
01:08What is the question?
01:09Is that hashtag Iraq war spoilers?
01:14Is it actually, how is Chelsea football club funded?
01:18Is it the Middle East version of rock, paper, scissors?
01:23LAUGHTER
01:26APPLAUSE
01:28Is it three things that A&E nurses have found at people's bottoms?
01:34LAUGHTER
01:37Is it three things America looks for in an enemy?
01:40LAUGHTER
01:42Is it, since I've grown a beard,
01:44what I'm most likely to be searched for at an airport?
01:46LAUGHTER
01:47Is it, what does Abukatada shout at the moment of orgasm?
01:52LAUGHTER
01:54I'm going to move towards the correct answer, right, Gavin?
01:56Is it, I lost a stone on which diet?
01:59LAUGHTER
02:02The correct answer is, this is, um,
02:05things that are going to be affected if Scotland get independence.
02:08That is, yeah...
02:09Whatever it is, it's about Scottish independence.
02:12Or, as I like to call it, the Great British Break-Off.
02:15LAUGHTER
02:18LAUGHTER
02:20Do you know, my, my big worry about the whole Scottish independence thing
02:23is what happened, how they introduced, Friday morning,
02:25how they introduced Good Morning Britain.
02:27Well, I presume what happened, if it's a yes vote,
02:29is that on one of the Good Morning shows,
02:31er, we will see live footage of Lorraine Kelly being arrested
02:36and put into a back of a truck with other well-known Scottish people
02:39and being sent back to Scotland to host a show if she wants up there.
02:43Who knows how she, she'll forage for berries or something, I don't know.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48And other Scots will listen and be being driven away, er,
02:50and come to the border.
02:51And don't applaud that!
02:52It's clearly a joke, isn't it?
02:55It hasn't come true, right, Tyra?
02:57Yeah, yeah, that'll show them, that'll show the ones who had no vote.
03:01I'm quite excited for them to go independent, though,
03:03because then, when I have a Scotch egg, I can claim to like foreign food.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:08I thought Scotch eggs were where Scottish people came from.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:15I've actually got a genuine, um, you know, concern about this,
03:19because, um, my wife and I had a baby during the Edinburgh Festival,
03:22er, not completely unexpected, we, you know,
03:24went through the normal procedures or whatever, but...
03:26But, basically, what happened was we had the baby during the festival
03:29and then didn't register the baby
03:32because we were told that we could come back here and do it.
03:34Then came back here and they said,
03:35oh, you should have done it in Scotland.
03:36So now I'm going to go back to Scotland, like, on the...
03:38when it's all going on,
03:40and I don't know if I'll be allowed to keep him yet.
03:42Er...
03:43LAUGHTER
03:44He may be raised as Scottish.
03:46I might just, yeah, have to take him there and just leave him
03:47and say, you know, just write or something.
03:49But, OK, cos...
03:51Lorraine Kelly will gather him up, but when she's foraging for berries, er...
03:55..she'll separate some out for your child.
03:57But it was, like, it was lovely.
03:58I don't know, like, being in the birth is a horrible...
04:01..for the man, I think, it's a really... it's a difficult...
04:03..I mean, for the woman, it's tough, too.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06Don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong.
04:08It looked like it wasn't pleasant for her.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:12But, like, they just show you the placenta afterwards so that you...
04:14Oh, God. No, seriously.
04:15What's this got to do with independence?
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18This one's going to live on its own.
04:19They were looking at it, they had it spread out on the floor,
04:22and I was just sort of watching whilst they were looking at it,
04:24and all I was thinking was, like, my phone is charging right next to that.
04:27Like, it's... I was really worried about it.
04:31Did you... I said, were you in the, like, in every room,
04:33did you go, this is a man, I've got nothing, I've got no charge,
04:36can I just, er...
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38Is this... is this machine that was bip, is that doing anything?
04:40Can I...?
04:41Yeah, just for ten minutes, cos I'm...
04:43I'm in the red here, right?
04:45And...
04:46I was born in a corridor.
04:48You were born in a corridor?
04:49Everyone's born in a corridor.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:51LAUGHTER
04:54APPLAUSE
04:56Can you... can you two speak German?
04:59Yeah.
05:00Ambition, yeah.
05:01Cos I was in Oxford Street the other day,
05:03and this German tourist came up to me and spoke to me in German.
05:06She thought I was German.
05:07You are quite Germanic-looking, though.
05:08Yeah, I know.
05:09And I... I don't know any German.
05:11What did you say?
05:12I went, don't know what you're talking about, mate.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15And then you don't look at you,
05:16but then why are you dressed in lederhosen, er...
05:18And slapping your ankles, doing the slapping ankles dance?
05:21I just love October and a beer.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24I have the same thing.
05:25People think I'm German.
05:26People think I'm any fat, bald man.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:30He's just like you.
05:31Here's a picture of him.
05:32You go...
05:33He's a horrible-looking man.
05:35Who's your looky-likey, though?
05:36Well, obviously...
05:37Celebrity-looky-likey.
05:38Is the Megabus man a celebrity?
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41Al Murray, I want to say.
05:43Al Murray a lot.
05:44Al Murray?
05:45Al Murray, yeah.
05:46Yeah, he looks nothing like you, mate.
05:47The, er...
05:48Some guy come up to me in Chiswick and say,
05:50Hello, Al Murray.
05:51And I went,
05:52No.
05:53And the guy went,
05:54Oh, sorry.
05:55Hello, pub landlord.
05:57LAUGHTER
06:00And I walked off and I left him thinking,
06:02Jesus, Al Murray's a prick, isn't he?
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05What other innovations have we seen in this workup?
06:07Spray foam.
06:08Spray foam.
06:09Love it.
06:10Spray foam is magic.
06:11So exciting, isn't it?
06:12It's really good, isn't it?
06:13Yeah, it's really good.
06:14People...
06:15I think people genuinely think it's...
06:16It's like a...
06:17Like a wall that magically creates a barrier.
06:19They go,
06:20They go,
06:21Oh!
06:22Like they're trapped in a crystal...
06:23Like Superman.
06:24Oh!
06:25I can't get out of here.
06:26I'm trapped against the glass.
06:28It does disappear pretty quickly,
06:29but if you're going to put a white line in front of footballers,
06:31it's going to go.
06:32Isn't it?
06:33LAUGHTER
06:34Al Murray warned us about it,
06:35so it just looked like he'd completely lost the plot.
06:38You know, like Vanessa started writing things in Big Brother.
06:42Like, look, you know,
06:43I can't deal with the pressure,
06:44I'm just spraying on the ground!
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46And he tries to music.
06:47It doesn't mean an inspiring piece of music.
06:49The ITV music in particular is just a guy going,
06:52Brazil!
06:53And if they put the rest of the song out,
06:55it's like, it's a really good song.
06:56It's a really famous samba song, that one,
06:58with like...
06:59No, we don't want that bit.
07:01We just want the movie where you go,
07:02Brazil!
07:03Obviously, I love the Brazilian rhythms.
07:07Um...
07:08Yes, obviously.
07:09Obviously, I look at you and I think,
07:10here's a man who loves Brazilian rhythms.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:13I think Josh Ridicom and I think
07:14the intoxicating samba rhythms of Brazil.
07:17We see you backstage, Josh,
07:18where you wear that giant, like, headdress
07:20that comes all the way out.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22And you're just in there going,
07:23Hey, what are we going to talk about the show today?
07:24Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
07:30That cheeky little look in your face.
07:31You know what I'm looking forward to?
07:32When they watch this bit of the show
07:33and then get you in for the final,
07:34it's going to be brilliant, isn't it?
07:35You samba-ing across the ITV studio.
07:36I will.
07:37If they flew me to Brazil for the final,
07:38I will wear the headdress...
07:40..a yut-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
07:43Na-na-na-na-na-na...
07:47Ah, you have to be there.
07:49I think if we had a whip round with this studio audience...
07:51It could happen.
07:52I'll just go to the beach behind the ITV studios.
07:55Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
07:58Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
08:00I will not go.
08:01I will not go.
08:02In the Polish Beach.
08:03Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
08:05Carried on.
08:06Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
08:10Climbing up the glass window behind the BBC studio.
08:13Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
08:15Oh, yeah, I love that.
08:18I would do that.
08:21In other news, what is happening here?
08:25A lorry is driving along a road.
08:28Yes, it is.
08:29Have you any idea what may have occurred after that?
08:32I think a pig escapes, doesn't it?
08:34A pig escapes.
08:35That pig there, which is clearly attempting to escape.
08:37Oh, is there a pig driving all the other pigs?
08:39No!
08:42I heard about him crying, but this is quality.
08:45No, the pigs haven't arranged a communal escape.
08:48That's the second...
08:49Oh, God!
08:50We'll pause there before we go.
08:51The drama of that before we see what the resolution was.
08:53That is quite a picture of a pig approaching the ground.
08:56Is that proof that pigs can't fly?
08:59Definitely cut the budget on Splash.
09:05Send it off to other countries.
09:06They never make it properly.
09:08That is the pig midway through the escape.
09:12It's in China, isn't it?
09:13It's in China.
09:14It's in southern China, actually, yeah.
09:15And so the pig has a leap.
09:17Sorry, it looks like that's not going to work out well for him.
09:19This is the pig after that.
09:22There he is.
09:23Oh, yes!
09:24It's great.
09:25And finally, here's the pig.
09:27Most recent picture of the pig.
09:28Oh!
09:29Oh, God!
09:30It is!
09:31It is!
09:32It is!
09:34In other news, what has David Cameron claimed he can't get on holiday?
09:37This is the idea that he can't actually get mobile phone reception
09:41when he's on holiday in Cornwall.
09:43Said that he couldn't actually hear President Obama on the phone once.
09:47And you'll think, surely that's just Obama, isn't it?
09:50Going, oh, I can't be arsed to speak to Cameron.
09:53I'm losing you, David!
09:55I'm losing you!
09:56Bye!
09:57It's a very kind of terrifying situation that World War Three could break out,
10:02but David Cameron would not know and be at the Penzance Otter Sanctuary.
10:06Shall we invade Iran, David?
10:09Sorry, I'm at Trago Mills doing my shopping.
10:12Good West Country knowledge.
10:14That's excellent West Country knowledge.
10:15Have you been to Trago Mills?
10:16I've never been to Trago Mills.
10:18What is it, please?
10:19It is a shop.
10:22It's a shop halfway down the A38 that sells cheap carpets and sports equipment
10:28and it's also made to look like a mock Tudor castle
10:31and it has peacocks roaming the ground.
10:34Trago Mills sounds like a bad guy from a Bond movie.
10:37Yes.
10:38You have crossed me once too often, but you will rue the day you crossed Trago Mills.
10:45I have cheap carpets and conservatory furniture.
10:50Why does he want to take work calls when he's on holiday anyway?
10:53He's on holiday, for heaven's sake.
10:54Obama shouldn't be ringing him when he's on holiday.
10:56He should be more bloody respectful.
10:58And secondly, we don't want him to be answering work calls.
11:03When he's on holiday, he needs to relax and get himself into the right sort of state of mind for running the country.
11:07You don't want him to be sort of making important phone calls about policy
11:10at the same time as he's trying to prevent his children squeezing sun cream into the car radio or something.
11:14It does look like the most boring...
11:17I mean, I've been on some bad holidays.
11:19Now, if I've gone, what did we get up to?
11:21Sat with our back to the beach and enjoyed a bottle of water.
11:24Our next round is called Newsreel.
11:30We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
11:33and ask you to suggest what might be being said.
11:35This week's clip features the party leaders.
11:38So I have resigned as foreign secretary.
11:41Did I tell you how I'm planning to spend my well-earned retirement?
11:44Yes, you did, William.
11:45I thought not.
11:46I am planning to spend it with Angelina, surely.
11:49She loves me, Angelina.
11:50She says my big bald head reminds her of a baby
11:53and she and Brad are hoping to adopt me.
11:58So, Mr Miliband, if you'd just like to sit here between two people with power.
12:04So, how are you getting on?
12:06Well, we did very well in the local elections.
12:09How did you get on, Nick?
12:10How many seats did the Liberal Democrats win?
12:13Well, thank you for mentioning that, Ed.
12:14We won...
12:15Let me think about it.
12:16We won one, two, one, three.
12:18Three.
12:19Three, two.
12:20Oh, well done, eh?
12:21Hmm.
12:22So I'll just text Alex Salmon.
12:24Loser!
12:25Loser!
12:27Look, here comes Cameron.
12:28Look the other way.
12:30Well, good morning, chaps.
12:31How are you?
12:32Thank you very much indeed.
12:34I'll have a bottle of the Mouton Rothschild 82.
12:37I can't read the small writing.
12:39I'll just get up my new glasses.
12:40Don't think anyone's...
12:41anyone's noticed.
12:42That's good.
12:43Are you...
12:44Are you wearing glasses, Dave?
12:45Oh, Lord!
12:46Cameron's wearing glasses!
12:50Oh, how childish.
12:52How childish.
12:53I'll tell you what, though, Nick.
12:54I don't think he'll have them for very long.
12:55I think he'll probably leave them in a pub, like his children.
13:00Yes, that is pathetic.
13:01Right, never mind.
13:02I'll, um...
13:03OK, I'll put them away.
13:04That's what I'll do.
13:06Here's another one, Dave.
13:07How many fingers am I holding up?
13:09He can't see!
13:10He can't see!
13:11Cameron's blind, yeah.
13:13I'll tell you what, Dave.
13:14You're so posh, you should be wearing a monocle.
13:19Yes.
13:20Well, that's very good, Ed.
13:21But I think you'll find that at least I can see the political writing on the wall,
13:25unlike you, you unelectable twat.
13:28Oh!
13:29Oh, that's very funny, Mr Magoo.
13:33By the way, I wouldn't talk to me again like that,
13:35unless you want me to carry on mocking the geek.
13:39Oh, that's a bit unfair.
13:41Yeah, it's a bit sad, though.
13:42I don't like that at all.
13:45I'm a little bit hurt by that, yeah.
13:46So, when the Queen comes, we have the bingo,
13:48then we have the fishing chips,
13:49then we have the Queen's,
13:50and then we bring the strippers in.
13:52So, that's...
13:54Just once we're on our own,
13:55I just wanted to check.
13:56People are saying I'm weird.
13:57You people don't think I'm weird, do you?
13:59I'm just an ordinary bloke.
14:00I don't think you two don't think I'm weird, do you?
14:02I'm not weird.
14:03No, no, not at all, Ed, no.
14:06Awkward.
14:08That's better to say.
14:13Other news, what has the government promised motorists this week?
14:15They've said that if your ticket machine is broken,
14:20then you can just park there,
14:22which is basically going to lead to people getting to the ticket machine,
14:25seeing they've got no change,
14:27getting the baseball bat out the back of their car.
14:29I've got no change, but I do have a baseball bat.
14:31What sort of impulse purchase is that?
14:34Just a bar of chocolate peas.
14:36Hello, are they baseball bats you have?
14:39Why has Pickles done this now?
14:41I reckon all that's happened is recently,
14:42Eric Pickles got a parking ticket when he was only ten minutes late,
14:45and he thought,
14:46oh, I could do something about this.
14:49Do you know what he looks like there?
14:50He looks like Traygo Mills.
14:56You crushed me for the last time, Mr Bond.
15:01His hat, rather weirdly, has got the face of an owl.
15:04If you look at it.
15:07By the way, an interesting related note,
15:09what did Labour promise for everyone this week on Twitter?
15:11Oh, owls!
15:13Owls.
15:14Genuinely owls.
15:15The Labour Twitter feed they claim got hacked with the words,
15:17everybody should have his own owls.
15:19Right.
15:21This is, this is sinister.
15:22This is Traygo Mills.
15:25He's infiltrated both political parties at the same time.
15:28Well, I don't know.
15:29You know, I think it's a,
15:30giving birds a prey away,
15:31I think it's a quick fix,
15:32but it's not a long-term solution.
15:36I'm just very sad.
15:37I live on my own.
15:38I was looking forward to getting an owl to talk to.
15:40All I've got is my Henry Hoover.
15:43If you lived at home with an owl and said,
15:45oh, just you mean owl,
15:46and then the owl just slowly turned its head away.
15:48What messages has David Cameron given to Scottish voters?
15:58He's been doing film quotes mainly, hasn't he?
16:00He said, you know, there's no going back.
16:02He said that.
16:03He said, we'll always have Paris.
16:06He said, I want your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.
16:09What do you want?
16:10What do you want?
16:11Right?
16:12I'm talking to the people.
16:13I want your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.
16:16But hang on.
16:17You know, I can't.
16:18I'm not your dancing bitch.
16:19Yeah.
16:20I exclusively said that.
16:21I would dance in order to gain free tickets
16:23to the Brazil World Cup.
16:24This is going at this point,
16:25post the Brazil World Cup is just me.
16:26Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
16:28Nike Air.
16:29Yep.
16:30The total is one of...
16:31Oh, fucking elbows.
16:32They wanted to compare it to a film that brought suffering to millions.
16:33But, you know, I can't do it.
16:34I'm not your dancing bitch.
16:36I exclusively said that I would dance in order to gain free tickets to the Brazil World
16:42Cup.
16:43This is going at this point, post the Brazil World Cup is just me.
16:45Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
16:52Nike Air.
16:53Yep, the total is one of...
16:54Oh, fucking elbows.
16:56They wanted to compare it to a film that brought suffering to millions.
17:01They should have compared it to that one about Princess Monaco of Kent.
17:04Princess Monaco.
17:05No, is that her name?
17:06Princess Monaco.
17:07I don't know her fucking name.
17:08Her name is...
17:09I didn't know it was a terrible film.
17:10Princess Grace of Monaco.
17:11I'm never talking again.
17:12Princess Monaco.
17:13Princess Monaco of Kent.
17:15Yes!
17:20Why does cool being cool matter?
17:22There's no reason why being cool would be cool.
17:24It's never really been the most important thing in qualities.
17:26Oh, no.
17:27It was, oi, oi, Gandy, love the sheets thing.
17:29It's great.
17:30Loving the look.
17:31Loving it.
17:32Winston.
17:33Winston.
17:34Standing up to fascism.
17:35Cool vibe, man.
17:36Cool vibe, man.
17:37Cool vibe, man.
17:38Cool vibe, man.
17:39Cool vibe, man.
17:40Cool vibe, man.
17:41Cool vibe, man.
17:42I come from a different era.
17:43Well, of course, of course you don't think that being cool is important.
17:46You use phrases like cool vibe, man.
17:50Totally rad.
17:52To stop me.
17:53Which way?
17:54Who can you loosen me up?
17:55Doop, Doop, Doop, Doop!
17:56I'll put them on in to you.
17:57And I'm up to wh...
17:58I-I'm being Irish.
18:02Doot, Doot, Doot doot!
18:03Doot, Doot!
18:04Doot, Doot, Doot, Doot!
18:05Doot, Doot, Doot, Doot!
18:06Get off!
18:15Was it Princess Monica of Kent?
18:23Do you know what, Gary? When you get one thing wrong,
18:26they can be very mean on this show, can't they?
18:28Oh, come on, this is happy. This is nice, Mockden Week.
18:33Oh, sorry. So, you just want those two words.
18:36Last week...
18:40I can give you a number of different ones.
18:42Last week.
18:44Last week.
18:46Last week?
18:50Last week.
18:51Oh, sorry, you went to sexy last week.
18:53Oh, sorry, I don't know.
18:57Last week.
19:03It's either sexy or a taxi driver.
19:10Well, Cinderella, she said, I'm your fairy princess,
19:13Princess Monaco of Kent.
19:22In other news, how is David Cameron shaking things up this week?
19:24He answered that the first time. It was Andy who answered it,
19:26and he's gone for a wee.
19:28To be honest, he's probably doing some shaking of his own at this point.
19:31So...
19:36It doesn't matter in the same way that the points don't matter.
19:38OK.
19:40Ed, do you want to answer that?
19:41In other news, how is David Cameron shaking things up this week?
19:44He's been learning to jive.
19:45Yeah.
19:46I mean, that's what you, er...
19:47It's what all the kids are doing.
19:48Cool vibes, man.
19:49That's cool vibes, man.
19:50You need a powder rummish, OK?
19:51I'm sorry, I should have announced that.
19:52You could use a quietly powdered rummish instead.
19:53It looks a bit peaky.
19:54Yeah.
19:55The browns wearing off.
19:57The browns wearing off.
20:02Can I think of a celebrity whose veneers I'd like to call him?
20:03It's a nice one of them.
20:06What is this?
20:07I could have said so we could have said it.
20:08It's a nice one.
20:09Just a nice one.
20:10It's a nice one.
20:11It's a nice one.
20:12It's a nice one.
20:14It's a good one.
20:15It's a nice one.
20:17He's a nice one.
20:19He's a nice one.
20:20Can I think of a celebrity whose veneers I'd like to copy?
20:25Probably Princess Monaco of Kent.
20:33Why'd I want a crown?
20:35Well, I'm Princess Monaco of Kent.
20:43This is most unusual, madam.
20:45You don't seem to have any teeth at all.
20:47What's that?
20:48You're here for a smear test?
20:49That's next door.
20:50Okay, the next topping is...
20:55See, if I'd have added Princess Monaco of fucking Kent to the end of that...
21:11What new form of male contraception might be available within three years?
21:14I found this very disconcerting,
21:16that there might be a male contraceptive in three years,
21:18because my boyfriend told me he's been out for six months.
21:20They will do that.
21:23It's just worrying.
21:24This is a gel that supposedly blocks the tube from the testicles to the penis.
21:28Yes, it is.
21:29So, and you're thinking, well, you know, maybe no sperm will now come out,
21:32but it just means that your testicles are going to be bloody huge, aren't they?
21:36You'll be like carrying around these watermelons.
21:39You'll be like a bus to go now.
21:40You'll have to have a little wheelbarrow to go around, won't you?
21:43It's a tough, it's a tough life.
21:44Yeah.
21:45I'll get through it, though.
21:46Yeah.
21:47And they say, they say it's reversible.
21:49Imagine if you reverse it the first time you make love after that.
21:53Oh!
21:54It'll be like Vesuvius, won't it?
21:56It can't be a penis, it'll be like a water cannon.
21:59You can plaster your kitchen with it, can't you?
22:02Sort of like that.
22:03You go too far, don't you?
22:06Any kitchen that he's doing now?
22:07That's what I found very odd about it, the idea that if you can't see anything coming out,
22:11like men could fake it too.
22:13And one of us should be enjoying this, surely.
22:16I feel a bit sorry for the sperm because they don't know this is happening.
22:20So they're getting at a certain point, come on, lads, they're all ready for a night out.
22:23And then you get out on a Sunday and all the trains are cancelled or delayed.
22:26And they're going, oh, we're going to have to go back to the balls and get a pizza, lads.
22:31You're not sure?
22:31Let's go get three billion pizzas, please.
22:33You make it out like your testicles are like IB for us.
22:36Yeah, it's right.
22:37Yeah, here we go.
22:38A ball party.
22:38You're smashing, mate.
22:41It's weird, though, isn't it?
22:42It's not a new thing, is it?
22:43You insert a fluid that stops you having proper sex.
22:45Men do that already, but it's called alcohol.
22:49I'm not sure this is going to be that popular, though.
22:51The idea that you have an injection in your testicles.
22:53Yeah.
22:54Injection in testicles, two words that shouldn't go together.
22:56They're in the same sentence.
22:58I mean, we're being silly, because it's just the sperm that will be stopped.
23:02They'll still be all of the...
23:04General ejaculates.
23:05Yes.
23:05Yes, there possibly will be.
23:07I'm not sure.
23:09It's generally in the tube.
23:10It's gel blocks the tube.
23:11It's gel blocks the tube.
23:13This is the problem.
23:14It is trust.
23:15This has been tested on baboons.
23:17It is...
23:18It has.
23:18It's working off baboons.
23:19Nobody is injecting their penises.
23:22Okay.
23:22Calm down until we give the fact that nobody is wanking off baboons.
23:26If you don't like that, for sure.
23:29Well, okay.
23:30Okay, fine, actually.
23:31I can't say that for deafness.
23:34Just globally.
23:35There may be somewhere somebody right now...
23:38...wanking off a balloon, right?
23:40Let's leave that option open.
23:42It works on baboons.
23:43It's been tested on baboons.
23:44Baboons were given this injection into the vast efferentia tube
23:47from the testiclease to the penis.
23:50That's how it's said in this field.
23:54They tested it on baboons, and they said...
23:56They did it for, like, six months,
23:57and they said after six months, none of the baboons were pregnant,
23:59so they've just assumed it works.
24:00But how do you know the baboons just weren't that good
24:02at sort of working the magic?
24:03Do you know what I mean?
24:04It's like...
24:04It's also nice.
24:05Hey!
24:06How you doing?
24:07Nothing?
24:07Okay.
24:08Do you want to have sex?
24:09No, because I've just been injected in the penis,
24:11so Frank, like, you know, to leave me alone for a while.
24:13Can we just cuddle?
24:14Can we just do that?
24:15Why is it always boom, boom, boom?
24:16What's wrong with you, lady baboons?
24:18I've just had an operation in my general area,
24:20and I'd like to be held.
24:23Don't rush me.
24:24Don't rush me.
24:25I feel vulnerable.
24:28Okay, the next topic is...
24:30Bad things to say on a first date.
24:34I'm not wearing any knickers,
24:36because I just shat myself.
24:44So here's a good one.
24:45Name your favourite three members of the Nazi party.
24:53Well, no, I mean, that's the great thing about a blind date, isn't it?
24:56You don't know who you're going to meet.
24:58How are you, mother?
24:59No, it's totally all right, son.
25:06I just wanted to make sure you got home safely.
25:08That'd be £8, please.
25:14Do I want tiramisu?
25:16Hmm.
25:17I...
25:18I'm sorry I'm late.
25:28I didn't realise our father restaurant was away from the STD clinic.
25:30What brand of pants do I wear, cop?
25:37That's a forward question.
25:39Erm...
25:40Incontinence.
25:46So, I've marked your homework.
25:48Do you have a condom?
25:57Because the police are coming, and I need to swallow this cocaine.
26:00My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.
26:07Or did she?
26:09Oh, no, it's really great to meet another Star Wars fan.
26:19Yeah.
26:20Hmm, blowjob I will get.
26:27Let's go Dutch.
26:29I'll have the poppadoms, please.
26:31My last girlfriend abandoned me at the altar.
26:40Not into animal sacrifice, apparently.
26:44Oh, you're back.
26:48How's the shit?
26:55Don't tell me.
26:57Lamb.
26:57Am I right?
26:58It's just that I was expecting a woman.
27:05OK, the next topic is...
27:07Unlikely Film Trailers.
27:11One man...
27:13Fights his greatest peril.
27:17Laryngitis.
27:18Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler.
27:28In.
27:29Well, the matter is, it's going to be shit anyway.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:31A UKIP film presentation.
27:38101 damn Asians.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:41Tom Cruise in the most ludicrous sci-fi thriller yet.
27:48A Scientology documentary.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:50This summer,
27:53Russell Crowe is
27:55punching people
27:56randomly
27:57in
27:57the face.
27:59LAUGHTER
27:59LAUGHTER
28:00From the makers of
28:05Cock-a-1.
28:06Oh, oh!
28:07LAUGHTER
28:08Cock-a-2.
28:13Ah.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:15Do you want to build a snowman?
28:17Do you want to have the words to let it go in your head
28:20all the time until you die?
28:22Then come see Frozen.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24I dare you!
28:26LAUGHTER
28:26You'll be amazed at how many problems can be solved by a big man with a massive hammer.
28:35LAUGHTER
28:36LAUGHTER
28:37I Can't Read Productions presents Salmon Fishing in the Seamen, Yemen.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50Look, an ancient African city.
28:57From the makers of Timbuk 1.
28:59LAUGHTER
29:00LAUGHTER
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02LAUGHTER
29:03LAUGHTER
29:04LAUGHTER
29:05Russell Crowe stars as Bob Marley.
29:12The accent's so offensive, you won't even care that he blacked up.
29:15LAUGHTER
29:16LAUGHTER
29:17Tom Cruise, explosions, a flash of boob.
29:25That'll do you.
29:26LAUGHTER
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