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00:00MUSIC PLAYS
00:02Don't believe in everything you see or hear.
00:08Read all about it.
00:10Read all about it.
00:13News of the world. News of the world.
00:16Read all about it.
00:19Read all about it.
00:21News of the world. News of the world.
00:24MUSIC PLAYS
00:27Hello and welcome to Monster Week.
00:30I'm Dara Bree.
00:31Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Hal Cruttenden,
00:35Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
00:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:45We start with a round call.
00:47If this is the answer, what is the question?
00:49On the board are six categories. Holly, which category would you like?
00:52Um, politics, please.
00:54OK, your category is politics.
00:56The answer is 5p. What is the question?
00:58Is it how much does it cost to hire Peter Andre for your wedding?
01:02LAUGHTER
01:03Is it what is the average house price in Fukushima?
01:06LAUGHTER
01:08It will be for many years.
01:10LAUGHTER
01:11Is it what is the famous five book called
01:13Where They All Had Incontinence?
01:15LAUGHTER
01:16Is it...?
01:17Yeah.
01:18Is it...?
01:19It takes a while to get that one.
01:21It's a really blood title, isn't it?
01:24It is.
01:255p.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:27Is it...?
01:28What is not worth bending over to pick up in prison?
01:30LAUGHTER
01:31Is it how much money would I have if I had a pound
01:34for every time I failed a maths exam?
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38LAUGHTER
01:39Is it...?
01:40After the years of austerity, how much have they actually reduced
01:45the national death by?
01:47LAUGHTER
01:48Is it...?
01:49What is this week's rollover in the Greek lottery?
01:52LAUGHTER
01:53Is it...?
01:54Is it just simply how much does your mum charge?
01:56LAUGHTER
01:57Ooh!
01:58Ooh!
01:59Ooh!
02:00Is it how much you should tip a stripper to really annoy her?
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05I find any coin at all.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08It annoys them even more if you take your credit card
02:11and try and slide it.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:13Is it...?
02:14What was the antique expert's valuation of the small silver disc
02:18I found down the back of the sofa?
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21LAUGHTER
02:22OK, no, we need to...
02:25I know what it is.
02:26I know what it is.
02:27Oh, God.
02:28Yeah, go on.
02:29What are the chances?
02:30LAUGHTER
02:31What are a million nectar points worth financially?
02:34LAUGHTER
02:35How much is the Ryanair flight from Stansted to Dublin?
02:38Minus the £200 charges.
02:40LAUGHTER
02:41OK, we need the answer.
02:43Genu...
02:44Genu...
02:45Genu...
02:46Genu...
02:47Genu...
02:48Is it how much Lib Dems are going to try and charge us
02:50for plastic bags?
02:51That's exactly what it is.
02:52Thank you very much, Annie Parson!
02:53APPLAUSE
02:54APPLAUSE
02:55Yes, the question I was looking for was...
02:59as announced at the Liberal Democrat conference,
03:01how much will supermarkets have to charge customers
03:03for a plastic bag after the next general election?
03:07This is the news that at his party's conference in Glasgow this week,
03:11Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg unveiled plans
03:13for supermarkets to charge five pence for a plastic bag from 2015.
03:17I'm a bit down on this as a news story
03:19cos I was under the impression this had already happened,
03:21given that I'm constantly asked if I want plastic bags.
03:24Yeah, M&S have been charging five pence for a plastic bag since 2007.
03:28You're wondering, what other policies are the Lib Dems
03:31going to nick off M&S?
03:33LAUGHTER
03:34In M&S though, they do, it's not fair in M&S,
03:36because in M&S food hall they charge you five pence,
03:38but if you go and buy a pair of pants,
03:40the bag for that is free.
03:41They just give you a bag.
03:42So if you're prepared to buy pants then go shopping,
03:45you get a free bag.
03:47If you walk yourself out of the food hall
03:49and then ring it up at the counter...
03:50Yeah, if you're prepared to stack salad and pants
03:52in the same bag, completely free.
03:54It's just a Lidl tip.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57Do you think the fact we're sticking on M&S so much,
04:00talking about it, does show how middle class this brother is?
04:02Yeah, there is a tendency.
04:03I don't know, we're probably alienating people here.
04:05We've got to think about the people who haven't paid for a bag.
04:07Lidl.
04:08I mean, people...
04:09You go shopping at Lidl and you have to pay 5p for a bag,
04:11that's doubling the cost of your shop.
04:13LAUGHTER
04:15Yeah, but Lidl have suddenly moved into the next gear, haven't they?
04:17Cos, you know, you've got Tesco's finest,
04:19you've got Sainsbury's Be Good to Yourself,
04:21and Lidl have now, to compete with that,
04:23brought out their new less shit range.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:28People need plastic bags, though,
04:30to pick up dog poo in the park.
04:32I mean, there are alternative methods,
04:34but you don't want to have to carry a golf club around with you all the time.
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38I think 5p is a rip-off for a plastic bag.
04:42It costs a quid for a trolley,
04:45and I've got loads of them at home.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:49It certainly does seem a lot of money
04:51for something you're just going to use once,
04:52but you could say the same about cruise missiles.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56The thing is, though,
04:57the Lib Dems have got to try something, haven't they?
04:59Cos their current popularity is 11%,
05:01half down from what it was at the last general election.
05:04And you think we're still missing a trick, though?
05:06I think when anybody asks you in the street
05:07who you're going to vote for the next election,
05:09I think everybody should say the Lib Dems, right?
05:11And then when it comes to the election,
05:12nobody should vote for them.
05:14And then when Nick Clegg goes,
05:15oh, but you promised us,
05:16we can all go,
05:17yeah, now you know how we feel.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:24How have you been following the conference
05:26and what's been said at the conference?
05:27Yeah, I've been following the bits.
05:29Yeah, it's exciting, isn't it?
05:30Right. It's pretty exciting, obviously.
05:32Yeah.
05:33You know, they brought Grand Theft Auto out this week,
05:34but anyway, let's go back to the right there.
05:36LAUGHTER
05:37What has the Lib Dem Home Office Minister
05:39Jeremy Brown said about Romanians and Bulgarians
05:42who plan to live in the UK?
05:43He has likened them to expats who go and live in Spain
05:46and British people,
05:47and then immigrants are not the same as British expats
05:50because immigrants eventually learn the language.
05:53LAUGHTER
05:55That's the difference.
05:57APPLAUSE
05:59He has said that them coming over here
06:01is the same as people from here going over there
06:03and got them furious
06:04because, as we know,
06:05there are two types of people,
06:06us and foreign.
06:07Yes.
06:08And I'm saying that while I'm foreign.
06:10So...
06:11I've got a holiday home in Romania
06:13and Bulgaria and Turkey.
06:15It's a caravan, to be honest.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18There is a difference, though, isn't there?
06:19Because there's obviously a difference
06:20between British people who are living in Spain...
06:21Yeah.
06:22..because unlike the Romanians coming to Britain,
06:25the British who are living in Spain,
06:27they're not going there to earn money.
06:29They've already earned their money in Britain
06:31and they're going over to Spain
06:32to try and hide it from the police.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36It's a hell of a different thing.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:38Yeah, a lot of the comments were like,
06:39how dare they?
06:40Because, as we know,
06:41some of these people are criminals
06:42who are coming over here
06:43and there's no tradition of that
06:44in the Costanzales crime.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46In other news,
06:47what has Andy Murray done
06:48to raise Britain's tennis hopes this week?
06:50Oh, he hasn't killed Cliff Richard.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:54My suspicion is he's been playing tennis.
06:56Er, he has.
06:58LAUGHTER
06:59He's won us the Davis Cup,
07:01so as we're now into the...
07:02Not the Davis Cup,
07:03but he's won the sort of round match
07:05as we're now into the World Group.
07:07Yes, you are.
07:08It's the first time we've actually won a match
07:10to get us into the World Group since 1986, apparently.
07:13My God.
07:14When Andy Murray was only one
07:16and he wasn't, in fact, in the team
07:18because he was only ranked number five in Britain.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:22I think it's unfair, though,
07:24because he's by far the most successful person
07:26in that whole group.
07:28Like, if they were the Beatles,
07:29it would be John, Ringo, Ringo and Ringo.
07:32I think it's fair.
07:33I think if you were to ask Andy Murray, for example,
07:35how he feels about the victory,
07:37that he would say that the other players
07:39also contributed a great deal
07:40and he's very proud to be part of that team.
07:41We could do that.
07:42Andy Murray, how are you?
07:43Good to have you back in the audience
07:45of Mock Tomatoes.
07:46Yeah, I just...
07:47APPLAUSE
07:53Andy, congratulations on this,
07:55you know, partial doorway into success.
07:57Obviously a team effort, would you agree?
07:59It was, yeah.
08:00Yeah.
08:01There we go, right?
08:02Yes!
08:03Also, since the last time he was on,
08:04he has won Wimbledon,
08:05so massive congratulations.
08:07He's won Wimbledon and a gold medal.
08:10Yeah.
08:11Basically, he came to this show with nothing.
08:12Yeah.
08:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:14Sat in that golden chair and has won.
08:16Just, it's been spectacular.
08:17What?
08:18Congratulations.
08:19Very well done, Steve.
08:20Very, very good.
08:21APPLAUSE
08:23Can I just say,
08:25I can't pass this opportunity up
08:27with having, you know,
08:28such an incredible person in the audience.
08:30Don't ask him out.
08:31No, without asking.
08:32Kim, how do you have such incredible hair?
08:35LAUGHTER
08:37Kim, Kim is not Mike,
08:38but Kim will laugh embarrassingly.
08:39Yeah.
08:40Anyway.
08:41That indicates you...
08:42Yeah.
08:43When is, when is the next round of the Davis Cup,
08:44by the way?
08:45When is the last 16th?
08:46January.
08:47It starts in January.
08:48Yeah.
08:49And is it one big tournament,
08:50or does it run,
08:51is it dotted through the year?
08:52It depends.
08:53We could lose the first match
08:54and then we don't play again,
08:55or we play like every three months, basically.
08:57OK, great.
08:58I think it's good to be positive,
08:59don't you think?
09:00Yeah.
09:01But we're only going to have him for a few months,
09:03because if Scottish independence happens,
09:05we're out the Davis Cup, aren't we?
09:07Yeah.
09:08I don't want to bring up something controversial
09:09and make him feel uncomfortable,
09:10but which way are you going on that, Andy?
09:12The point is, though,
09:13is that 31% apparently of Scottish people
09:15want Scotland to leave the United Kingdom,
09:17and apparently the same survey suggests
09:19that 41% of English people
09:21want Scotland to leave the United Kingdom.
09:23Which is why, ultimately,
09:24I don't think Scotland will go for independence,
09:26because they won't want to make that many English people
09:28that bloody happy.
09:29Why didn't you come visit us after you won Wimbledon?
09:39We had to play footage of you
09:40from the last time you were here.
09:42I saw that episode.
09:43Yeah, yeah.
09:44Do you think we were a little bit desperate?
09:46Did you look at it and go,
09:47I looked so young then.
09:48Did you look at it and go,
09:50hang on, I wasn't there.
09:52Was I?
09:55Maybe I was there.
09:56Maybe, did I win Wimbledon?
09:57Look at this.
09:58He had a few other things to do.
10:00I mean, no British Mailer
10:01had won Wimbledon since Fred Perry.
10:03Fred Perry, of course,
10:04a man who died a few years ago,
10:06but has still managed to retain his position
10:08as Britain's number two.
10:09So...
10:12OK.
10:14He's in the room.
10:18He has to work with these people.
10:21In other news,
10:22have you got GTA 5, by the way?
10:23Have you bought it yet?
10:24Have you got what?
10:25Grand Theft Order, have you bought it yet?
10:26No, but I think...
10:27Have you bought a new game?
10:28Have you bought a new game?
10:29Have you bought a new game?
10:30What did you buy?
10:31I bought Farming Simulator 2013.
10:33It is awesome.
10:35I'm sorry, in the week that
10:36Grand Theft Order 5 came out, you bought...
10:38I bought Farming Simulator 2013.
10:40And what exciting things can you do
10:41in Farming Simulator 2013?
10:43You can plough.
10:47And do you have to steal the plough
10:48from another farmer?
10:49It is the most laborious, time-consuming, dull, realistic, yet addictive game ever.
10:57No one is in your tractor.
10:58You already own the tractor.
10:59You don't have to pull somebody out of it.
11:00You get in it and you have to back it up to whatever tool you have to use
11:05and drive it to the fields and methodically move it up.
11:08And then you might find I've been driving this phrase
11:10and I forgot to lower the plough.
11:15I think it's fascinating that you find it such a tedious game
11:18and yet you're talking about it in such length.
11:20I am.
11:21Especially if you think about it.
11:22The fact that I would have...
11:23If I'd been ploughing without my ploughing gauge
11:26that I would then think,
11:27Oh no, I've wasted the last half an hour
11:29like I wouldn't have done if I'd been ploughing without my ploughing gauge.
11:32It's still not a real farm.
11:36Does it have an emotion setting?
11:39Can you feel more, you know, sort of get more and more...
11:42You don't want to plough angry?
11:43No, no, no.
11:44You don't want to plough angry all over...
11:45You're all over the field when you're plough angry.
11:46My wife was complaining that it was unrealistic
11:48because it goes like five times faster than real life.
11:51It's like...
11:52It was six o'clock a second ago and now it's seven o'clock.
11:54I go, well, honey, come on, there's got to be some excitement.
11:57It's got to be a little bit faster than actual reality.
12:00I think the amazing thing about this is you've got a wife.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:09At the end of that round, the points go to Hal, Holly and Andy.
12:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:17Now we play a round called Unexpected Item in the gagging area.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:23This game involves Hal and Milton,
12:25so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
12:27This round is a stand-up challenge.
12:29I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
12:31one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
12:34The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
12:36OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
12:38The first subject is football. Who wants to come in that?
12:42How crap are you doing?
12:45LAUGHTER
12:46Excellent.
12:48Um...
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50Football...
12:51Football fans really annoy me really badly.
12:54It's the lack of perspective that gets to me.
12:56I heard a Manchester United fan on the radio
12:59being interviewed about the retirement of Alex Ferguson
13:01at the end of last season.
13:03And he honestly said, he said,
13:05when I heard that Fergie was going,
13:07it was like a death in the family for me.
13:09LAUGHTER
13:10And the presenter went,
13:11yeah, mate, I understand.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:14Not, you emotionally retarded twas.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:23England fans particularly,
13:25they bring up the war at football matches.
13:28They bring up the war.
13:29The last time we played Germany, three years ago,
13:31England fans turned up in World War II RAF outfits.
13:35LAUGHTER
13:36They sang songs about German bombers
13:38and that stupid band at the side of the pitch
13:40played the Great Escape theme tune.
13:42LAUGHTER
13:43And we were thrashed 4-1.
13:44It was bloody humiliate.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46That's not what people fought a war for, is it?
13:48That's the...
13:49There weren't generals on D-Day making speeches to the troops,
13:52going, gentlemen, today we fight for freedom.
13:55We fight for an end to tyranny,
13:57we fight for our families and our friends.
14:01But most of all, we fight.
14:03So that one day...
14:05LAUGHTER
14:06Fat, drunk English men...
14:08LAUGHTER
14:09..in football shirts too tight for them...
14:11LAUGHTER
14:12..can stand in stadiums and sing as one,
14:15two World Wars and one World Cup!
14:17Doodah! Doodah!
14:18That's why we fight today, gentlemen!
14:21APPLAUSE
14:23APPLAUSE
14:28I personally believe that, actually,
14:31male football fans behave the way they do
14:34because they use football to express emotions
14:36they can't express in other parts of life.
14:38That's what's going on.
14:39When they are shouting and chanting vile stuff at the ref,
14:41at the opposition, at other players,
14:42well, what they really want to be chanting is
14:44stuff about what's going on in here.
14:45They want to be chanting stuff like,
14:46I can't express my feelings!
14:48I can't express my feelings!
14:50I've clinical depression!
14:52I need a therapy session!
14:53La-la-la-la!
14:55La-la-la!
14:56I feel like crying!
14:57Feel like crying!
14:58Feel like crying all the time!
15:00LAUGHTER
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02Oof! Oh!
15:03I'm bipolar!
15:04That's really...
15:05APPLAUSE
15:06Thank you very much,
15:08Kyle Trotsman.
15:09Very good!
15:10APPLAUSE
15:11That leaves us with Milton.
15:13Let's see what you've got, Milton.
15:14Let's spin the wheel again.
15:16And the topic is school.
15:19LAUGHTER
15:24Recently I went to one of those awful school reunions
15:27where everyone's boasting about what they're up to now.
15:29I said I work for the United Nations,
15:31cos I have been UN employed for a while.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:35While I was there, a bloke came up to me with a scar on his face.
15:42He said,
15:43You don't remember me, do you?
15:44I said,
15:45Are you Action Man?
15:46LAUGHTER
15:47He said,
15:48No, but I bet if you could go back in time
15:50you'd pay more attention in my history lessons.
15:52I said,
15:53If I could go back in time,
15:55I wouldn't need your history lessons.
15:57LAUGHTER
15:58And then he stormed off to teach year nine,
16:01which I presume is a tiny part of history.
16:04LAUGHTER
16:09My parents were so rich,
16:10to get me through my history exams,
16:12I had my own private Tudor.
16:14LAUGHTER
16:15I loved reading at school.
16:20There's nothing like getting to the end of a good book
16:22and thinking to yourself,
16:23Ah, there's Wally.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:26Those forms to fill in to get to university are difficult, though, aren't they?
16:31I ended up spending three years at the University of East Angola.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:36My grandfather...
16:38LAUGHTER
16:41He broke into a school the other day.
16:43He said,
16:44If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German.
16:48That's right, said the German teacher.
16:50LAUGHTER
16:54LAUGHTER
16:56LAUGHTER
16:58But it's not fair.
17:00I never got to do the job I wanted to do.
17:02I wanted to be a farmer.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06If only there was some way I could do it these days.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:11LAUGHTER
17:13If only there was some computer game or something.
17:16LAUGHTER
17:17That's all great. Thank you.
17:19Thank you very much, Mr Jones.
17:21Points for Milton, points for Hal.
17:23Come on back.
17:28APPLAUSE
17:29Now we play a game called Picture of the Week.
17:31I show the panel a topical image
17:32and ask them to tell me what's happening.
17:33So, this is a photograph taken this week
17:36of a recent NASA launch in Virginia.
17:39However, we can show that small detail there,
17:41something got picked up in the launch.
17:43LAUGHTER
17:44So, Tease, what's going on here?
17:46It's Boris Johnson.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:50He's very, very, very annoying
17:52for those French astronauts
17:53cos their lunch has escaped.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:55I just look at that and I just hear,
17:57I regret nothing!
17:59LAUGHTER
18:01LAUGHTER
18:03Would you not have lived like this
18:04would it be a life in vain?
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07Or is he shouting,
18:08is the frog shouting,
18:09Neil Armstrong, this is one giant leap!
18:11LAUGHTER
18:12I think it's just that,
18:13since his break-up with Miss Piggy,
18:15there was nothing Kermit wouldn't do.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:18He's Photoshopped.
18:19It's a genuine...
18:20I do say that.
18:21I'm serious.
18:22I have got frogs in my garden.
18:23Every fireworks night,
18:24I don't set off a rocket and get...
18:26It's jumped higher than the bloody rocket!
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29It's not...
18:30It's not jumped, Andy.
18:31Have you not taken...
18:32It's been blown into that position
18:33by the jets of the rocket.
18:34It hasn't gone,
18:35bloody hell, a rocket!
18:36Wah!
18:37LAUGHTER
18:38I'm sorry.
18:39The frog isn't going!
18:41The frog isn't going!
18:43When you say it's higher than the rocket,
18:45it's the angle,
18:46it's a lot closer to the camera.
18:47It's also...
18:48It's not that size.
18:49The frog didn't go,
18:50oh my God, three, two...
18:51legs, don't fill me now!
18:53LAUGHTER
18:54He asked the spokesman,
18:55actually said,
18:56that it's come from...
18:57they have, like, a pool
18:58that the water comes from
18:59to then send coolant to the engines.
19:01Yeah, he said, in a quote, he said,
19:03where the frogs were about now
19:05are uncertain.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08I don't know,
19:09I'm assuming the frog croaked.
19:11Oh!
19:12He says no one can hear you, croak.
19:15Yep, that's right.
19:16He didn't want to get towed into space.
19:17Stop it!
19:18Perhaps he actually came off the rocket
19:20because they used the wrong kind of rivets.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:25I was looking at it,
19:26just thinking,
19:27Preston Blumenthal's recipe
19:28for frog's legs,
19:29increasingly elaborate.
19:30LAUGHTER
19:32APPLAUSE
19:34OK,
19:37what finally left the solar system this week?
19:40Was it the sun?
19:41LAUGHTER
19:42It was almost by definition
19:44we would have to have gone with it.
19:45It was a great number!
19:47It was this, said the sun,
19:48I just left.
19:49I'm off to a distance.
19:50All hope that the Lib Dems have
19:52of a decent performance
19:53in the next election.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:55Pretty much.
19:56Anyone else?
19:57It was Voyager, wasn't it?
19:58Voyager...
19:59Voyager 1.
20:00Voyager 1, yes.
20:01Voyager 1.
20:02Voyager 2,
20:03the evil twin of Voyager 1.
20:04Yes.
20:05Still remains,
20:06they're slightly behind Voyager 1.
20:07And this was launched 36 years ago,
20:09when Bruce Forsyth was in his 70s.
20:11LAUGHTER
20:12It has got sounds of the 70s on there,
20:15and it tells apparently what the world was like in 1977.
20:19So if any aliens intercept it,
20:21they'll be able to enjoy Gary Glitter
20:22without any negative connotations whatsoever.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:26You know, when it gets the next sun in 42,000 years...
20:30Yes.
20:31..they'll still be repeating this programme on days.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:34Moving on, what might it be too hot for in Qatar?
20:37Well, this is the World Cup, isn't it?
20:38Yes, it is.
20:39They've said that they shouldn't stage the World Cup there
20:41in what year?
20:422022.
20:43Right, 2022.
20:44So the 2022 World Cup should not be staged in Qatar,
20:47because it's going to get too hot.
20:49But you think, is that a bad decision?
20:50The IOC are staging the Olympics near Fukushima
20:52and that's going to get even hotter, then?
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55I just really...
20:56I really hope Scotland qualify,
20:57cos there's a team of gingers running out and just exploding.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:01In the heat!
21:02LAUGHTER
21:03I'm not even convinced that by 2022
21:05people are going to be interested in football.
21:07I think they're just going to be playing farming simulator.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:12About Farm Simulator 2013.
21:15It's good.
21:16What we must know,
21:17that other video games are available.
21:19Like Grand Theft Auto 5, for instance.
21:22What's the upgrade from the previous year's Farm Simulator?
21:26What's the...?
21:27Apparently...
21:28Apparently there are more dedicated servers online
21:30for people to play multiplayer Farm Simulator.
21:32Which people genuinely do.
21:34There are people running virtual farms online together.
21:36Don't drag me in!
21:37Don't drag me in!
21:38I'm in!
21:39So, in other words, if you come back...
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41If you're driving back to your farm
21:42and you see another online player, can you...
21:44Hello, John!
21:45Hello, hello.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:47Or couldn't you drive a tractor out onto the country road
21:49and block everybody on Grand Theft Auto
21:51and trying to get hard?
21:52LAUGHTER
21:53APPLAUSE
21:55Can I just say,
21:57I do honestly think we should move on now,
21:59cos Ed's got to get up at five o'clock tomorrow.
22:02LAUGHTER
22:03Have you played Qatar Farming Simulator?
22:06It's incredible, actually.
22:07It's really just staring at a lot of dust.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:10What I love about the World Cup being held in Qatar,
22:13it's the first place ever that footballers will go to
22:16and be the poorest people there.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:20You're just waving cash at the main room.
22:22Ah!
22:23Look at this!
22:24Read it and weep!
22:25LAUGHTER
22:26The Qatar's have said, don't they,
22:27that they are going to actually create stadiums
22:29that are like fridges.
22:30But there's a few problems at the moment,
22:32cos whenever they shut the door,
22:34the old floodlights go off.
22:36LAUGHTER
22:37But they're going to build seven stadiums
22:39that are fully air-conditioned.
22:41Fully air-conditioned, vast football stadium,
22:45which kind of puts the whole
22:46five pence for a plastic bag in it, you know.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50If only we...
22:51If only of some way that we could find out
22:52what it must be like to be a top-class sports person
22:54competing in a really hot environment,
22:56if only of someone we could ask...
22:58No, that's not.
22:59Eh...
23:00Is it...
23:01Is it tough?
23:02Is it difficult with the heat and the whole thing?
23:04I know you get to stop every three minutes
23:05for a banana and a glass of water.
23:07Eh...
23:08But if you had to carry on,
23:09if you had to carry on for 90 minutes at a time,
23:11like whatever, is it awful?
23:12How many...
23:13Do you sweat buckets?
23:14Do you sweat buckets, Andy, out there?
23:15Do you sweat buckets?
23:16There's a question at the end of that somewhere.
23:18I'm not really sure what the question is,
23:19but we have you here, for Christ's sake.
23:21We're going to ring you out.
23:22We're going to have value for money for you.
23:24If you're the one that's got a sign short,
23:25you should know that.
23:26This is true!
23:27Touché!
23:28Good point.
23:29Eh...
23:30APPLAUSE
23:32But...
23:33But the...
23:34The thing was, wasn't it,
23:35when you won Wimbledon,
23:36it was over 30 degrees, wasn't it?
23:38Was there a moment when they said,
23:39OK, it's time for a warm-up,
23:41when you just fancied going,
23:42well, bang, all right, that'll do?
23:45Don't, I'm limber.
23:47You could bend me over the net at this time.
23:48Eh...
23:49I beg your apologies.
23:50I just...
23:53Apologies.
23:54No, that was never part of the thing.
23:55What?
23:56Sorry, I just mean...
23:57What has happened to you?
23:58I've now got a terrible mental image going on.
24:01I'm sorry.
24:02I apologize.
24:03Malcolm's in is our guest,
24:04and it's filth.
24:05I apologize.
24:06OK.
24:07In the round,
24:08the boys go to Ed Hewitt Milton!
24:09APPLAUSE
24:13Now we've come to scenes we'd like to see.
24:14So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
24:17I'll read out this week's topics,
24:18then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
24:20OK, here we go.
24:21The first subject is...
24:24Lines you wouldn't hear in a blockbuster film.
24:30My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius.
24:33Father to a murdered son,
24:35husband to a murdered wife.
24:37Please leave a message after the term.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:41APPLAUSE
24:43You're going straight to hell.
24:47I think you're going straight to DVD, mate.
24:50LAUGHTER
24:52OK, Iron Man.
24:55You win.
24:56You do the ironing.
24:58LAUGHTER
25:00Ah!
25:01Is it a bird?
25:03Yes.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:06Lord of the Rings.
25:08Lord of the Rings.
25:09UK version.
25:10People come from the Shires
25:12to go on a very long journey
25:13on the Northern Line to Morden.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:16And when they get there,
25:18it's shit.
25:19APPLAUSE
25:20If you push George W. Bush into that vat of concrete,
25:31that sets a very bad precedent.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:39Don't take me on.
25:40I am Wolverine.
25:41And these are my friends.
25:43Jolene, Winderlene and Trampoline.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46Ah.
25:48Gollum, that wasn't the ring I was referring to.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:52Would you please get your finger out of my precious?
25:55LAUGHTER
25:56Actually, should we just check that Bond is dead
26:05before we continue with the plan?
26:07LAUGHTER
26:10God, Jerry Maguire, you have me at get in the van!
26:13LAUGHTER
26:15Yoda, have you ever been tested for dyslexia?
26:19LAUGHTER
26:21If I come back in another life as a disposable razor,
26:28I'll be Bic.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:32Ah.
26:34APPLAUSE
26:36There's something in the tractor beam.
26:37Ed?
26:38LAUGHTER
26:40LAUGHTER
26:42APPLAUSE
26:44OK, next topic is...
26:45Unlikely things for Andy Murray to think.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:50I know it's championship point.
26:54I could really do with the poo.
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58Well, at least now I've won Wimbledon,
27:02they'll stop making fun of me on television.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:05LAUGHTER
27:07Oi, Tim!
27:10Look what I've just won!
27:12Hey!
27:14APPLAUSE
27:16I wonder if my mum's watching today.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:22Of course she is.
27:24She's always watching.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:27LAUGHTER
27:29Wimbledon's all very well.
27:32I wish I was playing Farming Simulator.
27:35LAUGHTER
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38Sirena's has the arse, Sirena's got the tits.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:47LAUGHTER
27:48LAUGHTER
27:49LAUGHTER
27:50LAUGHTER
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52LAUGHTER
27:53Oh!
27:54Oh, that's not going in.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:57OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Milton!
28:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:05And that's the end of the show.
28:08This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
28:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:14Commiserations to Andy Parton, Holly Walsh and Hal Cuttenham.
28:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:21I'm Dara Breen.
28:22Good night.
28:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:25MUSIC
28:28ALL
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