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00:00Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:05Read all about it, read all about it
00:12News of the world, news of the world
00:15Read all about it, read all about it
00:21News of the world, news of the world
00:27Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
00:29I'm Dara Breen. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Cain, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
00:44We start with a round called Picture of the Week.
00:47I showed the panel a topical image and asked them to tell me what's happening.
00:50So, what is going on here?
00:54Worst stag do ever.
00:55Is it the picture that Angela Merkel's going to send David Cameron for his Christmas card?
01:03This is just a mark of how confident the German team were, because that is actually before the game.
01:12Angela Merkel is actually in the starting eleven.
01:14It's nice to see a picture, though, of German men with one arm in the air that doesn't feel threatening, isn't it?
01:23There was a lot of that when you watched the celebrations, though.
01:25People were like, hey, I need to know, come on, just throw the other one up, Pete, Andrew.
01:29Just throw the other one up.
01:30Drickland, Wayne Rooney looked at that picture and thought, why couldn't we have had a prostitute that age?
01:34That's right on the street.
01:35People accuse the Germans of arrogance, but this photo is, in fact, it was actually taken at the end of Neymar's hospital bed.
01:47But I need someone to tell me what it is.
01:48We all know what it is.
01:49You actually need someone to tell you.
01:51Yes, because I have not seen any of these things.
01:53Who are these men?
01:54What is this event that they're attending?
01:56Please, I have recently landed in this country from foreign shores.
02:00And I wasn't familiar with your traditions.
02:02Is the German team in the dressing room having won the World Cup with Chancellor Merkel?
02:07Absolutely, of course.
02:08Thank you very much, you guys.
02:10I don't know.
02:11I was told you.
02:13Yes, of course.
02:15This is a picture of the victorious German football team celebrating their World Cup win in the dressing room with Chancellor Angela Merkel.
02:21Germany defeated Argentina in the final by a single goal for Mario Götze in extra time,
02:24becoming the first European team ever to win a World Cup in South America.
02:28Were you shouting for anyone or not for anyone?
02:30Most English people were shouting for Germany, which is a first, really, isn't it?
02:35Let's face it.
02:36But I guess compared to Argentina, you know, people found Germany preferable on the whole
02:41because at least they don't keep asking us to give them France back, do they?
02:47I mean, personally, I was at a Sixth Sense's spa having a paraffin wrap, so I didn't catch it.
02:53Zoe, were you watching?
02:54I did watch it. It's difficult as an England fan to watch Germany versus Argentina.
02:58It's like, typhoid or cholera, which was just a bird.
03:02Is it still a thing, though?
03:03I think it is still a thing because I was kind of back in Germany because we hate them less now.
03:10I thought it was...
03:11I didn't mind you one.
03:13I just, like, it was a good game, but I found it very difficult just watching as an England fan
03:17because it had all gone so wrong for England.
03:19And I bet, if you're watching in four years' time on Dave, we're still shit, aren't we?
03:29I could never support the Argentinians, not after what Maradona did, Wembley 2003.
03:34He didn't sing Material Girl.
03:36The one I love, the guy I love being there was Putin, because he was there because they're hosting the next one, isn't they?
03:46Yes.
03:47And every country that hosts it is desperate to win.
03:50And he must have been looking at that final thinking,
03:52the only way that Russia are going to win is if we invade Germany.
03:56Putin sitting next to a bladder was the finest photograph in the history of democracy.
04:05How do you win your elections?
04:07Oh, I never run against anyone.
04:09Me neither!
04:10High five!
04:11High five!
04:13The death of Brazilian football, that's what they'd witnessed.
04:16Oh, yeah.
04:17A lot funny, but that was interesting.
04:18Well, when you say that, it was kind of funny.
04:22There was because I got a few weeks ago I was talking about the heads, you know,
04:26the way they were overemphasising the pretty women in the crowd type shots all the time.
04:30And I said, and I on the show called for more shots of children crying.
04:37And then when they posted, there's that one of a small boy just blubbing his eyes,
04:43and he's pushing his glasses out of his face,
04:45and he's got a Coca-Cola can, which is beautiful branding.
04:48Absolutely, it's a fantastic branding.
04:50And he's weeping into it.
04:52And I got sent that image four or five thousand times on Twitter
04:57in the minute after it was posted with the words,
05:00Happy now!
05:02Yes!
05:03Yes, I was.
05:04I went through it.
05:05I think Brazil got humiliated, but did you see Joe Hart in that shampoo ad?
05:10No, obviously not.
05:12I mean, it was too...
05:14There was...
05:15There was...
05:16Headlines about Brazil going,
05:18Brazil, er, I think one of them was finally we know shame.
05:21And you're going, you are aware of what the rest of the world refers to
05:24when they say a Brazilian.
05:27Your name was not always merely associated with beautiful football,
05:30but also pubic topiary.
05:32That's probably the problem there, formation's just too narrow.
05:36You have to play one, one, one, one, one, one, one.
05:37And the goalie was the arsehole.
05:42You know, in the semi-final, when Neymar was injured,
05:44they made him sit on the bench in full kit.
05:47Did you see that?
05:48Yeah.
05:48As a sort of talisman.
05:49And you think, that is ridiculous, he's not allowed to play...
05:51Who would we do that with?
05:53We'd have to do that with Bobby Charlton.
05:55That's the only thing we'd do.
05:56We should do that, Gaza.
05:57We should just have Frankie Boyle just sitting there.
06:01In a purple suit, just not saying anything.
06:05Just angrily staring across.
06:06And any use of women.
06:10As a non-sports fan, as a non-sports fan, are you relieved it's over, though?
06:13The main thing that was fascinating for me about British culture
06:15is the fact the viewing figures went up
06:17when it started to go horribly wrong for Brazil.
06:19That says everything about us as a culture.
06:21Particularly our men, like people like my dad, who's humour.
06:24I mean, the last time my dad laughed
06:25was when he saw a Jaguar written off on the M11.
06:27That's the time to...
06:28Who would have stated that?
06:29LAUGHTER
06:30People in Britain, so I go, I can't stand football.
06:34Well, Brazil are losing.
06:35People are sobbing.
06:36Switch it on.
06:36Classic.
06:38I wasn't impressed with Mr Messi, though.
06:40It wasn't like the book at all.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:42And, of course, Louis Swires has gone to Barcelona now.
06:5375 million.
06:54He apparently had a celebration meal with his mum in Uruguay.
06:57Well, I say he had a celebration meal.
07:00Apparently, he lost his balance and the meal hit him in the teeth.
07:04And on the BBC, it also coincided with Alan Hansen's last game, didn't it?
07:08And nobody asked him the question.
07:10I've always wanted to ask him about that scar.
07:12And when he was attacked by Lord Voldemort.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16I wonder if any older German war criminals
07:20gave themselves away watching that match.
07:22Because there's a few of them in Argentina, isn't there?
07:24They were watching it in their local pub
07:26and they just went, yes or no, sorry.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28LAUGHTER
07:28One campaign, by the way, that's also slightly back further,
07:32Singapore ran an anti-gambling campaign
07:34about a young kid called Andy.
07:36And it was about how Andy's dad
07:38had wasted their family's money
07:40because he was a gambler
07:42and Singapore wants to stamp out gambling.
07:44But it wasn't quite as heart-rending
07:47as it could have been
07:48because of the scripting of the ad.
07:49This is the poster they had for it.
07:51I hope Germany wins.
07:53My dad bet all my savings on that.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:55LAUGHTER
07:56So the ad was basically...
08:00Now you're going to two universities!
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02Hey, little Andy's going to Disneyland!
08:05LAUGHTER
08:06LAUGHTER
08:08Cos gambling pays off!
08:10LAUGHTER
08:12In other news,
08:14how has David Cameron been shaking things up this weekend?
08:16He's shuffled round the cabinet.
08:18He's got... It's like the Tour de France.
08:20He's got lots of the big names, hasn't he?
08:22They've all fallen over.
08:23But the one person...
08:24The one person who's still in the same job
08:27is Eric Pickles,
08:29which, according to the thing I read,
08:30is cos he's very difficult to move.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:33APPLAUSE
08:39They were thinking of giving him a sideways move, apparently.
08:42Yeah.
08:43But then they decided it was easier to leave him where he was
08:45and move everybody else around him.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48Yes, he wanted to update his...
08:50A cabinet was described as male, pale and stale.
08:53Er...
08:54Which does sound a bit...
08:55It should be done like that.
08:56Er...
08:57I mean, this cabinet is male, pale and stale.
08:59Fail.
09:00LAUGHTER
09:01I just want to know what Nick Clegg does on a day
09:03when they reshuffle the cabinet,
09:04if he just sits at home in his own cabinet going,
09:06Oh, I'll put the rice near the spaghetti.
09:09LAUGHTER
09:11Good job.
09:15APPLAUSE
09:17In theory, it's supposed to show that he's...
09:19You know, he's being very pro-women.
09:20You know, it's very positive for women
09:22that he's added more women to the cabinet.
09:24But one of the women he added was a woman called Nicky Morgan,
09:26who previously was the Minister for Women,
09:29and now she's Education Secretary,
09:32but still Minister for Women.
09:35So that's how important the job of Minister for Women is.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39You can still do that,
09:40and this other full-time job.
09:42LAUGHTER
09:43Apparently the cabinet now is more Euro-sceptic,
09:46but imagine thinking that Europe doesn't actually exist.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:55I mean, I had a near-Europe experience once.
09:58LAUGHTER
09:59When I was on holiday in Kent.
10:01LAUGHTER
10:03I found myself walking along a tunnel towards the light.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:08In the end, someone said,
10:09Bonjour.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:11That's so unfair, I thought I led a good life.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:16LAUGHTER
10:18LAUGHTER
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22LAUGHTER
10:24You're never quite sure which week Milton is actually mocking,
10:28are you?
10:29LAUGHTER
10:30LAUGHTER
10:31APPLAUSE
10:33APPLAUSE
10:35At the end of that round,
10:36the point will go to Russell, Zoe and Andy!
10:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:41Now we play a round called,
10:45Ich bin ein Berwinner.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:47LAUGHTER
10:49This game involves Zoe and Milton,
10:51so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
10:53This round is a stand-up challenge.
10:54I launch the Wheel of News,
10:55and wherever it chooses to stop,
10:56one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
10:59OK, here we go.
11:00Let's spin the wheel.
11:02And the first topic is...
11:03Drinking.
11:04Who wants to come in on that?
11:05Zoe.
11:06I like a drink.
11:09I realised I was probably drinking a bit too much recently
11:13when I turned to a friend not so long ago and went,
11:15oh, that is a very nice breakfast wine.
11:18LAUGHTER
11:20I like a bit of rosé.
11:21Who doesn't like a bit of rosé?
11:22Or princess petrol, as I like to call it.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:26Favourite wine, obviously, the box of wine.
11:28I enjoy a box of wine.
11:29People are...
11:30People are snobby about boxes of wine in this country.
11:32I'm like, no, wine you can stack.
11:34It's brilliant.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:36I love a box of wine,
11:37cos glass is so revealing, isn't it?
11:39It's transparent.
11:40It tells a tale, doesn't it?
11:42You can see how much you've had of a bottle of wine.
11:45But you can't see through my cardboard box of wine, can you?
11:48LAUGHTER
11:49You have no idea how much of this five-litre box of wine...
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54I have slowly but steadily been sipping my way through
11:58during the course of this shitty, shitty party.
12:02LAUGHTER
12:03Sometimes I just stick a big straw in the top
12:05and pretend it's a massive Ribena.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08APPLAUSE
12:15And it keeps giving, doesn't it?
12:17It keeps giving.
12:18You think it should be finished by now.
12:20You get to the end, you do all the classic things,
12:21you tip it on its side, you depress the little stopper.
12:24That's where an amateur will stop.
12:25They will discard the box of wine.
12:26But a connoisseur like myself, we know there's more...
12:29LAUGHTER
12:30There's more lurking, isn't there?
12:31You rip open the cardboard head.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34You pull out the silvery intestines
12:36and you play what I like to refer to as
12:38the alcoholic bagpipe into your own glass.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43APPLAUSE
12:45Very, very well done.
12:47APPLAUSE
12:49APPLAUSE
12:51So that leaves us with Milton.
12:53Let's see what you've been left with.
12:54Let's spin the wheel.
12:55And the topic is communication.
12:59Oh, here you go.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:02LAUGHTER
13:03Is it just me or the instructions
13:05to electrical goods these days
13:07far too complicated?
13:09I mean, I just don't know that many languages.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14LAUGHTER
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17Words are powerful things.
13:19Sometimes a single letter H can attract helicopters.
13:25LAUGHTER
13:27Has to be a big one.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30Hours I spent watching that hot tap.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:33APPLAUSE
13:34SIMILES
13:42What are they like?
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45LAUGHTER
13:47Of course, years ago in Wales, the letter T went on strike
13:50and they had the Great T Strike of 1922,
13:52or as they had to call it, the Great E-Rike of 19-wene-oo.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:56Everyone had to get to work by RAM.
14:01LAUGHTER
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03In the end, the strike was broken
14:08and the T's had to get together with random groups of consonants
14:11and that is how the Welsh language was formed.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:15APPLAUSE
14:17Nuisance phone calls.
14:20Oh!
14:21They put the bills up.
14:23LAUGHTER
14:24LAUGHTER
14:26LAUGHTER
14:27I can't even count to ten in French
14:30and à trois quatre cinq ans, he said...
14:32ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:35LAUGHTER
14:36LAUGHTER
14:37Sorry, I've got a wheat allergy.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:40APPLAUSE
14:42Well done.
14:43I think another hand points for Zoe.
14:46Come on down again.
14:52Our next round is called
14:55If this is the answer, what is the question?
14:58On the board are six categories.
15:00Russell, which category would you like?
15:02Technology, please.
15:03OK, technology, the answer is four years.
15:06What is the question?
15:08Is that the amount of time it would take that Magaluf girl
15:11to orally pleasure every man on the planet?
15:13LAUGHTER
15:15Is it how long till Germany win the World Cup again?
15:18LAUGHTER
15:20Is it for how long have I been writing a sitcom now?
15:24LAUGHTER
15:26How's that going to go?
15:27Oh, it's going to be my ticket off this show.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:31One Direction are rumoured to be splitting up.
15:34What is the average age of people who give a shit?
15:37LAUGHTER
15:39Is it the average response time of the snail ambulance?
15:42LAUGHTER
15:43Is it if Scotland become independent,
15:47what are they planning on reducing the legal drinking age to?
15:50LAUGHTER
15:52If you had it all up,
15:54how much of your life do you spend standing in a room going,
15:57what did I come in here for?
15:58LAUGHTER
15:59Is it...
16:00Is it...
16:01Dara, is it...
16:02How long...
16:03Have I wanted to tell you that I love you?
16:06LAUGHTER
16:08Back off!
16:09LAUGHTER
16:10LAUGHTER
16:11Is it the actual number of years Mick Hucknell could hold back
16:15before he looked like a clown dipped in acid?
16:17LAUGHTER
16:18How long does it take the average person in Rotherham
16:22to eat five fruit and veg?
16:24LAUGHTER
16:26Potato is a veg.
16:28LAUGHTER
16:31The correct answer is...
16:33When are they going to try and build a spaceport in the UK?
16:37It is absolutely right.
16:38Thank you very much, Andy Parkinson, as well as well.
16:40APPLAUSE
16:41Yes, the question I was looking for was,
16:45how long will it be before the UK gets its very own spaceport?
16:49This is the news that Britain is to build a commercial spaceport
16:52which should be operational in 2018.
16:56It is almost ludicrously close,
16:59because by that means that you'll be able to actually take off
17:01and look down and see HS2 not being built.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:06Are you excited? How exciting is this?
17:08Oh, it's very exciting.
17:09Virgin Galactic, they're going to take off at the end of this year,
17:12apparently, in New Mexico.
17:14And Richard Branson says he's going to be on the first flight.
17:17Now, given his success with his ballooning,
17:20that is a very brave move, isn't it?
17:22LAUGHTER
17:23It's ludicrous to call it Virgin Galactic, is what it's called, isn't it?
17:26But you know how they only go 62 miles up?
17:29Yes.
17:30They get to the outer ridges of the atmosphere.
17:32And that isn't actually that exciting, is it?
17:34That's like saying at the beginning of Star Wars,
17:36a long time ago in a galaxy as far away as London is from Portsmouth.
17:40LAUGHTER
17:42They're talking about putting it in Scotland, but one of the places,
17:44they were talking about putting it on an island, the Hebrides,
17:46Benbecula or somewhere like that.
17:48And they're going back going, oh, it's unlikely, though,
17:50because people won't want to go that far to go into space.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:55If you can't be arsed dragging yourself to the Hebrides,
17:58perhaps space isn't for you.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:01I wouldn't want to go on a Sunday because that, let's face it,
18:04that is a bloody long bus replacement service always.
18:07LAUGHTER
18:08Isn't British Space Control, like air traffic control,
18:12isn't it going to be in Swindon?
18:14Isn't that where it is?
18:15I have no idea where British Space Control is.
18:17He goes, Swindon, we have a problem.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20All right, my lover.
18:21LAUGHTER
18:23Surely it'll be, Swindon, we have a problem.
18:25Well, we're in Swindon.
18:27LAUGHTER
18:29I don't know how it works.
18:30So do you literally just go up and down?
18:31Do you go round a bit?
18:33You go up and down.
18:34Just literally up and down.
18:35You're already spinning.
18:36Not even across a bit.
18:37Wow, we really are so down on this.
18:39I'm genuinely surprised at the lack of one...
18:41Oh, shit.
18:42LAUGHTER
18:43If there was somebody up there pretending to be an alien
18:46attacking the craft or something like that,
18:47that would be... that would make it more worth it.
18:49So they should position somebody up there?
18:51I need a hot air balloon.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:53A high-level hot air balloon
18:55that throws... just sprays it with silly string, even.
18:58To look like alien tentacles.
18:59So you go to 60 miles
19:01where you see the curvature of the Earth and the stars above,
19:04but you don't think that's sufficiently exciting.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07You're expecting six minutes of waitnesses
19:09where somebody goes,
19:10Oh, no, now we're under attack.
19:12Wah, wah, wah.
19:14LAUGHTER
19:15Call me a dreamer.
19:17You lamest bunch of people in the world.
19:20Bunch of weirdos.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:28OK, different topic.
19:29What NHS operations might more people be eligible for?
19:32You're going to be able to get gastric bypasses on the NHS.
19:38More fat people will be eligible for them, apparently.
19:41You're wondering whether they really need a gastric bypass
19:44or whether they need a Greggs bypass
19:46just to avoid the shock in the first place.
19:49By the way, just to be...
19:50We don't play fat people.
19:52The term is... is jolly or...
19:54LAUGHTER
19:55Publicly?
19:56Or... or... or...
19:57For those who are extreme, it's morbidly jolly.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:00Apparently there's so many fat people now, right,
20:03is that people don't feel that they're fat
20:06because they're surrounded by lots of other fat people.
20:08All the fat people, yeah.
20:09So the secret is if you do want to lose some weight, right,
20:11is not actually to lose any weight if you're feeling fat,
20:13just hang around other fat people,
20:15you'll feel much better about yourself.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:19I feel the same way sometimes when...
20:21when... when I feel I'm too funny,
20:22I come on this show.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24APPLAUSE
20:26That was... that was... that was...
20:30That sounds like I was slagging you off, really.
20:32It did. It did sound that way.
20:34And they rather enjoyed it.
20:35Yes.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:37The one... the one I hate is when people say,
20:39all I've got to do is look at a cake
20:41and I'll put on weight.
20:42That's the worst lie.
20:43I actually tested it.
20:44I kidnapped someone,
20:45I locked them in the room
20:46and I just showed cake at the window.
20:47Two weeks later,
20:48dead and thin.
20:49What a lie.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:52They often talk about the obesity time bomb,
20:55don't they?
20:56The obesity time bomb.
20:57You just think,
20:58God, I really hope I'm not in the area when that goes off.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02These days, people eat too much
21:04and they don't go out.
21:05The obese agoraphobic
21:07is very much the elephant in the room.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:12They produced a league table of the obese nations.
21:19Yeah.
21:20The obesity league table.
21:21America was on top of the table.
21:22I think we were third.
21:23You think, an obesity league table,
21:25surely that was crying out for a pie chart.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:35It's a very amusing joke,
21:37but mathematically incorrect.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39At the end of that round,
21:40the points go to Ed Hewitt Milton!
21:43APPLAUSE
21:47Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
21:49so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
21:51please.
21:52I'll read it this week's topics
21:53and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
21:55OK, here we go.
21:57The first subject is...
22:00Unlikely things to hear in court.
22:03LAUGHTER
22:05We, the jury, have yet to reach a final verdict,
22:08but we would like to have a guess.
22:10Is it Mrs Peacock with a candlestick in the library?
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14LAUGHTER
22:17The defendant is, as you can see,
22:20an evil man with a black heart,
22:23but nice, firm buttocks.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:33The Guilford Four and the Birmingham Six
22:35were miscarriages of justice.
22:37But S Club Seven must remain in prison.
22:40LAUGHTER
22:44If I'm guilty of anything,
22:46it's caring too much.
22:49And embezzlement.
22:50Embezzlement?
22:51Embezzlement and caring too much.
22:52That's...
22:53That's all I'm guilty of.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:58It appears that we have a hung jury.
23:00Thank you, gentlemen, you can put your trousers back on now.
23:03LAUGHTER
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07OK, Mr Pistorius,
23:08there will now be a toilet break.
23:10Don't anybody else go in there!
23:13LAUGHTER
23:19Before I pass down this sentence of death,
23:21how about a selfie?
23:22Oh, my God, your death face is so random.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:25LAUGHTER
23:28You are accused of stealing top-of-the-range toilet rolls.
23:32How do you plead?
23:34Quilty or not-quilty?
23:36LAUGHTER
23:42No, Mr Coulson,
23:43we're not going to tell you your sentence.
23:45Instead, we've left a message for you
23:47on Hugh Grant's voicemail.
23:50LAUGHTER
23:51APPLAUSE
23:55I am now going to pronounce sentence.
23:58Sentence.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:05Mr Clapton,
24:06I put it to you
24:08that it is highly unlikely
24:10that you did not shoot the deputy,
24:12given that you have already admitted
24:14that you did shoot the sheriff.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17APPLAUSE
24:23OK, uh,
24:24rock-a-bye baby
24:25on the treetop.
24:27Oh, alibi!
24:30LAUGHTER
24:35Well, it's been a long and complex trial,
24:37so before sentencing,
24:38let's have a look at some of your best bits!
24:40LAUGHTER
24:42LAUGHTER
24:44Mr Pistorius,
24:45the court rejects your defence
24:47that, at the time of the crime,
24:48you were legless.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:50LAUGHTER
24:55And now, Mr Harris,
24:56it is time for your sentence.
24:58Can you tell what it is yet?
25:00LAUGHTER
25:01APPLAUSE
25:05You are accused
25:06of unnecessarily advertising
25:08a make of smoothie.
25:09How do you plead?
25:10Be careful.
25:11LAUGHTER
25:12LAUGHTER
25:15OK, the next topic is...
25:17..things you wouldn't hear
25:19in a nature documentary.
25:22Watch out for crooks,
25:24because anybody wearing crooks
25:26is a bellend.
25:29APPLAUSE
25:34What's incredible about
25:35the Emperor Penguin
25:36is its ability
25:37to make you look
25:38like a shit father.
25:39LAUGHTER
25:40This is the most fantastic migration
25:45I have ever seen.
25:46These Romanians
25:47are moving in next door
25:48to Nigel Farad.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51If you're in the jungle
25:54for a few months,
25:55use a leaf
25:56and some river moss
25:57from a bank.
25:58It really does feel
25:59like a lady.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:01Well, it took some pliers
26:02and an awful lot of gaffer tape,
26:03but I've finally got
26:04this flamingo's legs
26:05on the right way round.
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07I have spent my whole life
26:08living with hyenas.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10It hasn't been easy,
26:11but there have been
26:12a lot of laughs as well.
26:13LAUGHTER
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15LAUGHTER
26:16LAUGHTER
26:17APPLAUSE
26:18LAUGHTER
26:19Yes.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21The barbs that come off
26:23these tiny creatures
26:24can be very painful.
26:25This one just called me a talentless wanker.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33LAUGHTER
26:34LAUGHTER
26:35LAUGHTER
26:36The barbs that come off
26:37these tiny creatures
26:38can be very painful.
26:39This one just called me
26:40a talentless wanker.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:42LAUGHTER
26:43The pack of meerkats
26:44surrounded the helpless lizard,
26:45and within seconds,
26:46he'd been forced to change
26:47his car insurance supply.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:49The comics, or jesterlings,
26:50all jostle for position,
26:51eager to present their humour
26:52to the large alpha male.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:54LAUGHTER
26:55The comics, or jesterlings,
26:56all jostle for position,
26:57eager to present their humour
26:58to the large alpha male.
27:00LAUGHTER
27:01APPLAUSE
27:02The comics, or jesterlings,
27:04all jostle for position,
27:05eager to present their humour
27:07to the large alpha male.
27:09Eh...
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11LAUGHTER
27:13APPLAUSE
27:18A badger,
27:19in its natural environ,
27:20on the hard shoulder
27:21being pecked at by crows.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:24APPLAUSE
27:25APPLAUSE
27:27This lioness
27:28has just had four cubs,
27:30but it's not as sweet
27:31as it looks.
27:32She's also had three brownies,
27:33two guides,
27:34and a Venture Scout.
27:35LAUGHTER
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38And this little fella,
27:40this little bird,
27:41his head can literally turn
27:43three hundred and...
27:45LAUGHTER
27:47That's owls, isn't it?
27:49LAUGHTER
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52And now the male
27:54attempts, you know what,
27:56by putting his thingamajig
27:59in the female's
28:00whatchamacallit.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:02LAUGHTER
28:03APPLAUSE
28:05APPLAUSE
28:07And here I am,
28:09in the shrubbery,
28:10outside the BBC centre,
28:12and I think I've...
28:13I have...
28:14I've spotted one.
28:15This is extremely rare.
28:16It is...
28:17It's a female panellist.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:19APPLAUSE
28:20Just one bite from this snake
28:27can paralyse the nervous system
28:29in three seconds.
28:33LAUGHTER
28:35APPLAUSE
28:41You'll have to excuse the
28:42trembling excitement in my voice,
28:44as I am currently being
28:45noshed off by Bill Oddy.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:47LAUGHTER
28:48LAUGHTER
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50OK,
28:51at the end of that round,
28:52we'll go to Russell,
28:53Zoe and Andy!
28:54APPLAUSE
28:55And that's the end of the show.
28:59This week's winners are...
29:00Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis,
29:02and Milton Jones!
29:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:04And that's the end of the show.
29:05This week's winners are...
29:06Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis,
29:07and Milton Jones!
29:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:09COMMISERATIONS TO
29:11Andy Parton,
29:13Zoe Lyons,
29:14and Russell Kane!
29:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:18I'm Jara Breen.
29:19Good night.
29:20Good night.
29:21Look out!
29:22I'm Randy.
29:29Good day.
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