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00:00I'm the world, don't believe in everything you see or hear, read all about it, read all
00:12about it, news of the world, news of the world, read all about it, read all about it, news
00:22of the world, news of the world. Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Dara O'Brien, joining
00:32me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Rob Beckett, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Milton
00:37Jones. We start with a round called, if this is the answer, what is the question on the
00:48board of six categories. Zoe, which category would you like? I'm going to go for politics.
00:52Delightful. Politics is the category, the answer is 2%. What is the question? Is the question
00:58how much of his speeches does Ed Miliband usually remember at conference? Is it how much of Greg
01:05Wallace can dance? Is it how many dragons have a tattoo of a girl? Is it at what percentage
01:19age of battery life on your phone, does watching a porn film become a race against time?
01:26Is it what is the top mark Joey Essex ever got at school? Is it how many Americans think they
01:35should invade Ebola?
01:36Is it how much DNA does Prince Harry share with Prince William?
01:42Is it how much DNA does Prince Harry share with Prince William?
01:49It's weird the way some things become newly outrageous for the Mock the Week crowd. We've
01:55been here so long we've seen that one go in and out and in shock. Clearly I have misjudged
01:59the mood of conference. Is it what percentage of Chris de Berg is under the surface?
02:05I think this is quite accurate. How many people who own it have actually listened to the new
02:15U2 album? Is it the percentage chance of Jeremy Clarkson becoming the Prime Minister of Argentina?
02:22So maybe if I can, if I can have a correct answer. Is it how much effort am I prepared to put into this answer?
02:34This is to do with the latest polls, political polls, and apparently the Tories are now 2% ahead.
02:41Absolutely right. Thank you very much for your time.
02:43That's right. The question I was looking for was by what percentage were the Conservatives leading Labour
02:51according to polls this week. This is a story. The recent polls have put the Conservatives 2 points
02:55ahead of Labour. This is the first time the party has been in the lead since March 2012.
03:00Who are they asking? I've never been asked. Who are they asking to get these results?
03:03Sort of just going, oh, should we ask those people by the closed down coal mine?
03:06Now leave them. Oh, sorry to interrupt you, Fox, son. Who do you reckon you're going to vote for?
03:10He had a good week though, isn't he, David Cameron? His approval ratings are up to minus 4%.
03:17Yes.
03:19Nick Clegg on minus 65. I am loving those minus numbers.
03:24It makes it look like even imaginary people think they're shit as well.
03:30As far as I'm concerned, the Prime Minister is out of touch with the British people,
03:34but that's Gordon Brown for you.
03:40Can you imagine, though, a minus 65% approval? That means Nick Clegg will sit around dreaming of a time
03:46when no-one likes him.
03:50He's aiming for just nobody.
03:53If they're two points ahead, why don't they just do the election now?
03:56Because they could do it online, they could do it on Tinder, couldn't they?
03:58Just like swipe left for Labour, swipe right for, double right for UKIP.
04:03That's quite good.
04:08Are you on Tinder, by the way?
04:09I'm not on Tinder, no, I've got a girlfriend.
04:11I've got actually recommended, there's a comedian's version of it called Grinder.
04:14And a couple of really nice guys said you would have put you on Grinder and you can meet other
04:20comedians and audience members of comedy.
04:22How did he get on with that?
04:24They really were a really trendy guy.
04:25Yeah, he was actually, yeah.
04:27Do you mean Grinder?
04:28Yes, that's the joke.
04:29Yes, I...
04:30Why, erm, why do you think that Labour supporters declining?
04:36Because they've got these new policies like mansion tax, which is sort of ridiculous.
04:41Why is it sort of ridiculous?
04:42Even the Queen is going to have to pay it, apparently.
04:44Really?
04:45If she could justifiably say, I don't live in a mansion.
04:47I live in a palace.
04:52The other thing that put the Tories ahead is David Cameron came out with a warning,
04:57which was a vote for UKIP.
04:59He said, go to bed with Nigel Farage, wake up with Ed Miliband.
05:04Which, there are freaks out there for whom that is the perfect evening.
05:10If he simply said, go to bed with Nigel Farage, wake up with Nigel Farage,
05:13that would have been a sufficient threat for me.
05:16That's what we do with Nigel Farage.
05:17If his wife has to...
05:18Can you imagine turning off with those teeth, that big Nigel Farage grin in the morning?
05:21Shall I make your teeth?
05:22Yeah.
05:25It's not working, though, is it, all this?
05:27Everyone hates all the leaders, so no-one...
05:29I reckon democracy has had a go.
05:31Why don't we try a dictator?
05:33Like, don't get me wrong, we'll vote in a nice one,
05:36and get them to do it, and just see how it goes.
05:38It's a bit like Korea, but nicer with better air cuts.
05:40Can I just say, I don't think you get...
05:42I don't think you get to vote in a dictator.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46Yeah.
05:47I think that's normally the arse bit of it.
05:49But maybe I could do my own one, where you have a dictator,
05:52but you vote it in.
05:53That's democracy, isn't it?
05:54LAUGHTER
05:56Vote for me, and you'll never have to vote again.
05:59It's a slogan of sorts, isn't it?
06:01Can we go back to the actual legitimate political parties
06:05who are operating within the democracy?
06:06Yeah.
06:07I'm sorry, we say this, by the way, on a very democratic night.
06:09This is the second time in a few weeks
06:10that we have been on at 10 o'clock on a Thursday,
06:12as the polls have closed and the nation is agog.
06:15I remember I read this time, about two, three weeks ago,
06:18where we're just choosing our whiskey to settle in
06:20to watch the Scottish referendum elections.
06:22I know it'll be the same for many of you sitting at home,
06:25going, ooh, an exciting night of watching the results
06:27of the Clacton by-election tumbling in tonight.
06:31Why would that be historic?
06:32Because it might be the first time UKIP have an MP.
06:35Yes.
06:36There's Carswell, who's the UKIP candidate.
06:38He's the one on the right,
06:40rather than the one in the shop staring out.
06:43Yeah.
06:44Despicable me.
06:45That seems like a...
06:46That's the kind of...
06:47Exactly the kind of person UKIP is trying to remove
06:49from kind of communities like Clacton.
06:52Is it one of your minions?
06:53Is that who it is?
06:54Shut up.
06:55They're not my minions.
06:58They're not my minions.
07:03To be fair though, they are very hard workers.
07:05They are very hard workers.
07:06Yes.
07:07That's why I employed them from all my plans.
07:08No!
07:09Well, Miliband got criticised during the conference
07:13for something that Cameron did...
07:14Miliband got criticised because he forgot most of his speech,
07:17didn't he?
07:18Most of his speech.
07:19He didn't stand walking around going,
07:20there was something...
07:21Oh!
07:24One was, he forgot chunks of his speech.
07:26Yes.
07:27But his speech was still an hour long.
07:28Now, I watched that speech.
07:30He should have forgotten more.
07:32That was my opinion.
07:34They're all making mistakes, aren't they?
07:35He forgot stuff in his speech
07:37and the Lib Dems put stuff in their speeches
07:39which you kind of think,
07:40that's not really going to help.
07:41So they have to...
07:42One of their policies is to legalise brothels, isn't it?
07:45The Lib Dems.
07:46They're going to have shiny new brothels
07:48all over the place
07:49with a queuing system that goes,
07:51prostitute number one!
07:56It's like they're desperate, isn't it?
07:57Like going, oh, what should we do?
07:58No-one likes us.
07:59See you what?
08:00Legalise brothels.
08:01What's going to be next?
08:02You can smoke in pubs,
08:03drinking's not bad for you
08:04and Cocaine Fridays?
08:05You're not doing that?
08:06Are you back for me then?
08:08Until recently,
08:09I thought Nick Legg was something you did
08:10to Oscar Pistorius
08:12to stop him moving around.
08:20In other news,
08:21what will rocket scientists attempt
08:22for the first time on the 12th of November?
08:24Is it to get a girlfriend?
08:26I knew you were going to...
08:30I knew that was going to hurt you,
08:31wasn't it?
08:32Yeah.
08:33Yeah, it is.
08:34Because you know some rocket scientists
08:35who've got girlfriends, don't you?
08:36I do.
08:37Yes, I do.
08:38And they're all happy people.
08:39Suddenly turned into step-tones.
08:41I'm sorry.
08:42It's like,
08:43you've got to tell your face a slipper now.
08:45It's like one of the minions
08:46is kicking off.
08:47Yes.
08:49Keep them in check, darling.
08:50They're trying to chuck a robot on a comet.
08:57It's frighteningly almost exactly what they are trying to do.
09:03There are people who've devoted their life to this,
09:05who've just gone,
09:06you know, put it like that,
09:07it doesn't sound like much, does it?
09:08Yes.
09:09Dropping a small robot onto a comet
09:12as it travels at some ridiculous speed,
09:14it is the,
09:16it's an astonishing thing.
09:17It's basically the plot of Armageddon,
09:19except the comet's not coming anywhere near us.
09:21No.
09:22You're right,
09:23it's an amazing feat of engineering.
09:25It's incredible.
09:26You know,
09:27landing a small,
09:28getting a small craft
09:29to land on a comet
09:30500 million miles away,
09:32bang on time.
09:33I mean,
09:34on this earth,
09:35south-west trains
09:36often can't get a driver
09:38on a train.
09:44I mean,
09:45it's even more impressive,
09:46as they're dropping a robot onto a comet
09:48and people go,
09:49oh, so what?
09:50It's the robot from confused.com,
09:51that irritating
09:52one that goes around with the cheque,
09:55going,
09:56hello, Terry,
09:57I have Q.com.
09:58I think that is a positive step for humanity.
10:00It's certainly going to be very,
10:02confused when it finds itself on a comet.
10:05They're always chucking robots
10:06and satellites and stuff.
10:07They're like, no,
10:08I'm thinking about the robots.
10:09I've seen Wall-E,
10:10and it's a sad place.
10:12Will the robot come back,
10:13or is that it?
10:14No, that's it for the robot.
10:15Oh, fuck!
10:16No, I don't like that.
10:19You've probably driven your microwave
10:22up into a dump at some stage.
10:24Did you cry?
10:25Did you think,
10:26don't look,
10:27make it face away from me
10:28as I drive away?
10:29As I tip my old washing machine,
10:31don't let it see me!
10:32Don't let it see me
10:33as I drive away!
10:34Why don't we just hope
10:35that that comet hits Earth
10:36and it can come back?
10:37Well, it'll be the last laugh
10:38of that robot
10:39if it suddenly came
10:40to smash it back,
10:41isn't it?
10:42Oh, hello!
10:43Say hello to me again!
10:46If I get confused,
10:48not anymore!
10:50You should be able to get it back,
10:51though,
10:52because normally,
10:53when I go anywhere on a train,
10:54a little bit more for a return,
10:55isn't it?
10:57The robot was murdered
10:58outside my house once.
11:00Well, there was, like,
11:01a chalk outline.
11:02Although, thinking about it,
11:03there might have been some kids
11:04playing hopscotch.
11:05at the end of that,
11:06before we go to Rob,
11:11Zoe and Andy!
11:12Woo!
11:13Yes!
11:14Now, we play a round called
11:18Welcome to the Glib Dem Conference.
11:20This game involves Zoe and Milton,
11:23so if you could make your way
11:24to the performance area, please.
11:25This round is a stand-up challenge.
11:26I launch the Wheel of News
11:27and whoever chooses to stop,
11:28one of our performers must step forward
11:30and talk about that subject.
11:31OK, here we go.
11:32Let us spin the wheel.
11:36The first subject is
11:38food and drink.
11:40I love my food.
11:41I don't like the way women
11:42are still advertised to,
11:44like, certain foods
11:45are a naughty little treat.
11:46You know the ones?
11:47Chocolate's naughty, innit?
11:48Chocolate?
11:49Naughty.
11:50Girls eat in chocolate.
11:51Ain't that naughty?
11:52I think, no, it's not.
11:53Chocolate's not naughty.
11:54Eat it.
11:55Chocolate's only naughty
11:56if you've beaten somebody to death
11:57with a foot-long Toblerone.
11:59I'm very competitive around food.
12:01Do you know what I mean by that?
12:02Does anybody else panic
12:03in a tapas situation?
12:04Do you know?
12:05Any sort of shared plate environment?
12:07Do you find yourself
12:08sort of facially twitching
12:09thinking,
12:10this isn't going to be enough, is it?
12:14My nightmare scenario
12:15is if I go out for a meal
12:16and somebody at the end of the table
12:17just goes,
12:18should we order just lots of little things
12:19and share it?
12:20I'm like, should we just not?
12:21I take it very seriously.
12:24I'll shovel it in.
12:25I really do.
12:26Don't attempt to eat tapas with me.
12:27That's what I'm saying
12:28because you will lose.
12:30You will lose
12:31and then you'll have a little cry
12:32when I make you split the bill
12:33because that will happen.
12:35There's usually one girl
12:36at the end of the table
12:37just crying her eyes out
12:38going, why am I paying 53 quid, though?
12:40I only had an olive.
12:42I'm like, you had the same chances as me, bitch.
12:45You just didn't take them.
12:46You were banging on about this
12:49and banging on about that.
12:50I was shoveling in the meatballs.
12:51I was getting my money's worth.
12:54In fact,
12:55I managed to eat so much that night
12:56I got up to leave.
12:57I put my glasses on.
12:58I thought,
12:59they feel tight.
13:03Thank you very much, Jarrett.
13:09OK, that leaves us with Milton.
13:11Let's see what you've been left with.
13:12Let's spin the wheel.
13:14The topic is home.
13:16My mum's a bit like the Beijing government.
13:24When you go round,
13:26you only see the nice China.
13:38I was smacked as a child,
13:39but you should see the state of the home
13:41I put my parents in.
13:46I grew up in a home
13:47that was always full of exciting
13:48and exotic items
13:49from all over the world
13:51because my parents were both
13:52baggage handlers.
13:56These days,
13:57I live in a windmill.
13:59It's not a big windmill
14:00and, to be honest,
14:01golf balls keep coming through
14:02the front door.
14:07The other day,
14:08I lost my doormat.
14:09But fortunately,
14:10I keep a spare under a giant bunch
14:11of keys in the front garden.
14:13As a child,
14:18I had a medical condition
14:19that meant I had to eat soil
14:21three times a day
14:22in order to survive.
14:24Lucky my older brother
14:25told me about it, really.
14:31He later died of massive head injuries.
14:34He was hit over the head
14:35with a Toblerone.
14:36The next round is called,
14:50Why are these people in the news?
14:52So, why are these people in the news?
14:55Is it a middle-aged couple
14:57taking their young son for a walk?
15:05I was just thinking,
15:06the years have not been kind
15:07to McFly.
15:12I reckon it's from my favourite TV show
15:13from America.
15:14It's two and a half men, isn't it?
15:18Or three men and a baby
15:19and the baby hasn't been born yet.
15:20Is it low turnout for twat pride?
15:29You say,
15:30I don't care what the arrow says,
15:32we are walking on the left.
15:37It does look like the evolution
15:38of man in reverse, doesn't it?
15:40Yeah.
15:43Do I know what the actual story is?
15:45Is it the Top Gear guys
15:48getting chased out of Argentina?
15:53Yeah, of course.
15:54Thank you very much, Rob Beckett.
15:55Thank you, Rob.
15:57Yes, this is Top Gear
15:59presented to Jeremy Clarkson,
16:00James May and Richard Hammond
16:01who were chased out of Argentina
16:03by an angry mob.
16:04The mob claimed
16:05that the use of the number plate
16:06H982FKL
16:08was an inflammatory reference
16:09to the 1982 Falklands War.
16:11Now, they denied it.
16:12They denied it.
16:13But somehow
16:14you still kind of feel
16:15that maybe it was.
16:18Would you believe them more
16:19about it wasn't deliberate
16:20if the Stig
16:21hadn't been following them
16:22dressed as a penguin
16:23waving a picture
16:24of Margaret Thatcher?
16:27I don't get why
16:28they've taken Top Gear
16:29to South America.
16:30Surely South America's got
16:31enough Top Gear as it is.
16:33Right, guys?
16:34You've got to do one proper one,
16:38you now and again.
16:39If they're on television,
16:42shouldn't they have used
16:43one of those blurry
16:44number plates?
16:48It's so strange now, Top Gear.
16:49I remember it used to be
16:50about, like, cars.
16:51Now it's just like
16:52watching a documentary
16:53of your dad's mates
16:54having a breakdown.
16:55I've got no interest in it
16:57because I've got no interest
16:58in cars.
16:59I did once buy
17:00a second-hand car
17:01and I can remember
17:02thinking I ought to look
17:03underneath the bonnet.
17:04And I looked
17:05underneath the bonnet
17:06and all I could think
17:07was,
17:08well, that looks full.
17:11That is the mark
17:12of a good car.
17:13How much they,
17:14how full it is.
17:15And then I thought,
17:16I'd better kick the tyres
17:17because I'd seen somebody
17:18once do that on the film.
17:19Very important, very important.
17:20And they're surprisingly hard
17:21if you've never kicked
17:22a tyre before.
17:23I find you often kick
17:25the second tyre
17:26a lot less energetically
17:27than you kicked the first car.
17:28And with a different foot.
17:31I was once selling
17:32a second-hand car.
17:33The car I had to get rid of.
17:34And I thought,
17:35you always think that
17:36you're going to know
17:37less about cars
17:38than the bloke
17:39who's buying the car.
17:40And this bloke came
17:41and he did,
17:42he did all the kicking
17:43of the tyres,
17:44everything.
17:45I thought,
17:46oh, God,
17:47he knows a lot
17:48and he looks at all the body work.
17:49And then he got into the car
17:50and he sat behind the driving seat
17:51and he said,
17:52is this a left-hand
17:53or a right-hand driver?
17:55And you went,
17:57cha-ching!
17:58Personalised number plate's a good day.
18:02I bought my son one
18:03when he was born
18:04but I did have to call him
18:05TGH 308F.
18:07When you buy a second-hand car,
18:10every now and again
18:11you will see
18:12they'll use that strapline
18:13one lady owner.
18:14Have you seen that?
18:15That just makes me crack.
18:16Who is this woman
18:17with all his cars?
18:18I don't know.
18:19It's the word lady as well.
18:20It just makes it sound like
18:21all of us women
18:22just drive around in bonnets
18:23with white gloves on
18:24with a freshly baked Battenberg
18:25steaming away beside us.
18:26When I sell the car
18:28that I've got at the moment,
18:29I'll be able to use the strapline
18:30one lady owner
18:31and I'll tell you exactly
18:32what that means.
18:33It meant two months ago
18:34I managed to drive it
18:35for half an hour
18:36with a handbrake on.
18:37That's what it means.
18:38Do you really just hammer it?
18:40Yeah.
18:41No handbrake can hold you.
18:42If I go downhill.
18:43Honey, you're an independent woman
18:45and no handbrake is going to hold you.
18:47You will push you.
18:49I just convinced myself
18:50the car in front
18:51was having a little barbecue
18:52in the back seat.
18:55What weird modern day inventions
18:56have been in the news this week?
18:57There's a bracelet they've invented
18:59that shocks you
19:00if you don't go to the gym
19:01when you said you were
19:02going to go to the gym.
19:03Yes, it's called the
19:04it's a wristband
19:05with a Pavlok wristband
19:06and they give you
19:07a motivational zap.
19:08It tells you GPS-wise
19:10it senses that you were
19:11in the gym
19:12or wherever you said
19:13you were going to be
19:14or at the meeting
19:15you were supposed to be at
19:16and it gives you
19:17an electric shock
19:18if you're not.
19:19I don't think motivational
19:20and zap go together.
19:21Really, do they?
19:22It's basically a watch
19:23for masochists, isn't it?
19:24You know, it's like
19:25I've been a bad boy.
19:27I don't think I've
19:28quite been bad enough.
19:29Turn it up a bit more.
19:31I wonder if I put this
19:32on my penis
19:33how this is going to work.
19:34You wouldn't need it.
19:35Just make sure
19:36you're not down to 2%
19:37you're saying
19:39if you go to the wrong
19:40wrong website
19:41it'll give you a little shock
19:42so you don't go on the website.
19:43Yes, it does do that.
19:44But surely if you go on a website
19:45that you shouldn't really be on
19:46you just delete history,
19:47don't you?
19:48I mean, the tricky bit
19:49is not deleting history
19:50the tricky bit
19:51is then going on
19:52all the innocuous websites
19:53afterwards
19:54so it doesn't look like
19:55you've deleted history.
19:56That's the tricky bit, isn't it?
19:58History seems to be very empty
19:59in this computer
20:00because I saw you on it
20:01all evening yesterday.
20:02Yeah, I've never touched
20:03the delete history.
20:04I've never watched that.
20:05Private browsing, Andy.
20:06Private browsing.
20:07My favourite member
20:09of the Army Corps
20:10private browsing.
20:11Good afternoon, private browsing.
20:14Are you on duty again?
20:15I certainly am.
20:16I shall be protecting you
20:18from any inappropriate sites.
20:20Private browsing
20:21performing for duty.
20:22Pants down.
20:23Private browsing in here.
20:25I shall protect your browsing
20:27while you shop for gifts
20:29for your wife
20:30because that is apparently
20:31what private browsing
20:32was invented for.
20:33I love that.
20:34Oh, I mean,
20:35I've got private browsing on
20:37because I'm shopping
20:38for some gifts for my wife.
20:39Oh, really?
20:40You seem to be buying
20:41her pornography.
20:42Are you sure
20:43that's the gift
20:44she particularly wants?
20:46Private browsing!
20:49She told me
20:50that her favourite film
20:51as a child
20:52was Double Fist and Tits.
20:53Yes.
21:06I've had to work
21:08under these conditions
21:09before.
21:11He's making use
21:12for shopping for gifts.
21:14Private browsing
21:15he's retraining
21:16as an electrician.
21:18Why did you leave the army?
21:19Oh, I think I saw it.
21:21Oh, I saw some things. I saw some things.
21:24You weren't there, man.
21:25You weren't there. You weren't there.
21:27You didn't see what I saw.
21:29The first casualty of war, my friend.
21:32Private browsing, the first casualty of war is innocence.
21:37Private browsing.
21:39Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
21:41I don't know why I'm doing it like Benny Hill.
21:43I don't know that.
21:45I'm at your service.
21:47Madam.
21:49No, it would be like the paper clip that would appear.
21:55It seems ridiculous.
21:57It looks like you're playing some pornography.
21:59A small animated soldier came out and said,
22:02do you want to look at the porn?
22:05Private browsing can help you with that.
22:08I'm amusing myself here.
22:10The last record of a long summer, you know.
22:12I've got to enjoy this because in three days' time,
22:15I'll be going, over the next 12 weeks,
22:1720 candidates will be putting themselves on a minister.
22:19Private browsing is going to get some vision.
22:22He's going to get some fucking hammering.
22:28I think your penis is going to get some corporal punishment.
22:31There will be some major damage.
22:34And general recklessness.
22:37Uh...
22:39What do you drent and Colonel Abrams?
22:41Uh...
22:42Uh...
22:43Ha ha ha!
22:44Ha ha ha!
22:45Ha ha ha!
22:46Ha ha ha!
22:47Ha ha ha!
22:48Ha ha ha!
22:49Ha ha ha!
22:50Ha ha!
22:51Ha ha ha!
22:52Ha ha ha!
22:53And the other point's going to Ed, here, in the town.
22:55APPLAUSE
22:56APPLAUSE
22:57APPLAUSE
22:58Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
23:01so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
23:03make the way over to the performance area.
23:05I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
23:09OK, here we go.
23:11The first subject is...
23:13Things you wouldn't hear at a party conference.
23:18Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome...
23:22to the UKIP party conference.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:29The leader's speech will be signed for the hard of hearing.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:37LAUGHTER
23:39LAUGHTER
23:42LAUGHTER
23:45Welcome to the UKIP party conference
23:47and we've picked the most British place we could find.
23:50Welcome to Ben-O-Dorm.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53LAUGHTER
23:56And the good news is the polling data is in
23:59and we are just ahead of...
24:02others.
24:04LAUGHTER
24:06LAUGHTER
24:08Good news, if you're a small mother,
24:11we're going to raise the minimum wage.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:16LAUGHTER
24:18LAUGHTER
24:20Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding
24:22to welcome your new leader of the UKIP party.
24:25It's...
24:26Mrs Chowdhury and her wife Paula.
24:28LAUGHTER
24:30LAUGHTER
24:31Fellow members of UKIP,
24:33I think it is safe to say,
24:34judging by the amount of Eastern Europeans working in the kitchen here,
24:37that the soup we had for lunch was mainly piss.
24:40LAUGHTER
24:46As the Lib Dem leader,
24:48I say to you,
24:49go back to your constituencies
24:52and prepare your CVs.
24:54LAUGHTER
24:56APPLAUSE
24:58Let me say quite categorically that this party is...
25:07in favour of nuclear power.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:11LAUGHTER
25:12Welcome, Liberal Democrats.
25:14The theme of our conference this year.
25:16Why are we bothering?
25:19LAUGHTER
25:21APPLAUSE
25:22Please welcome to the stage, your new Prime Minister,
25:25Mel B.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28LAUGHTER
25:29And for the last time,
25:32for the last time,
25:33can I assure you
25:35that the NHS is safe
25:38in our blood-stained money-grabbing hands?
25:42LAUGHTER
25:44APPLAUSE
25:46OK, the next topic is...
25:47unlikely things to hear on daytime TV.
25:52Good night.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:56APPLAUSE
26:00Well, welcome back to Dutch daytime TV.
26:03Next up, it's Hash in the Attic.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07LAUGHTER
26:09Hello, and welcome to the chase.
26:11LAUGHTER
26:16Long walk back, long walk back.
26:18LAUGHTER
26:19And I should have gone the other way.
26:21LAUGHTER
26:23Good evening.
26:24Sorry, good afternoon.
26:25Forgot how badly my career was going there.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:31Today, on 60 Minute Makeover,
26:33David Dickinson gets re-sprayed with creosote again.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:41Thank you for watching this morning.
26:43Now put down the vodka, get dressed, and go to work.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:48APPLAUSE
26:49Today, on Jeremy Kyle,
26:56Jayden will be asking...
26:58Mustafa...
27:00No, I better not do that one.
27:01LAUGHTER
27:02LAUGHTER
27:03Today's episode of Jeremy Kyle has just been cancelled.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11Today, on Jeremy Kyle...
27:20LAUGHTER
27:21Jayden will be asking Spencer...
27:24LAUGHTER
27:25..why he won't read his research paper on neutron decay in lithium isotopes.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:32That was worth it.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35Today, on Jeremy Kyle...
27:36LAUGHTER
27:37Today, on Jeremy Kyle...
27:38Jayden will be asking Spencer...
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42Where is Mustafa?
27:43LAUGHTER
27:44LAUGHTER
27:45APPLAUSE
27:46APPLAUSE
27:47Ah.
27:48APPLAUSE
27:50Hello, and welcome to...
27:52Who Do You Think You Are?
27:53How dare you? I don't care if you're a 70s DJ.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56Welcome back.
27:57Well, we'll see if the police catch them before they actually hand over the drugs.
28:09Yep, it's deal or no deal.
28:11LAUGHTER
28:16Susan asked for a distressed look in her front room,
28:18so we told her her cat had been run over.
28:20LAUGHTER
28:22APPLAUSE
28:23Ah.
28:26You're watching Morphor.
28:27Next up...
28:30I'm going to go with Come Dine With Me.
28:33LAUGHTER
28:38The next programme has been sponsored by Dignitas.
28:40Come Die With Me.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43LAUGHTER
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45LAUGHTER
28:47And next, I'm going to be reading out some of your texts and emails.
28:50That's what you get for not locking your phone.
28:52LAUGHTER
28:57Due to a misunderstanding,
28:59Flog It! Saudi Arabia has been cancelled.
29:02LAUGHTER
29:08Hello, and welcome to Loose Women.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:13LAUGHTER
29:14LAUGHTER
29:15LAUGHTER
29:16LAUGHTER
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18OK, getting that round of applause for Ed Hugh Milton!
29:23APPLAUSE
29:24CHEERING
29:26And that's the end of the show.
29:28This week's winners are Andy Parton, Zoe Lyons and Rob Beckett.
29:32CHEERING
29:34Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Tudez and Milton Jones!
29:39CHEERING
29:40CHEERING
29:41LAUGHTER
29:43I'm Gary O'Brien.
29:44Good night.
29:45MUSIC
29:47MUSIC
29:48MUSIC
29:49MUSIC
29:51MUSIC
29:52MUSIC
29:53MUSIC
29:54MUSIC
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