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00:00Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Darby and joining me this week are Andy Parsons,
00:13Josh Whittacombe and Myles Jupp, Sean Walsh, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
00:17We start with a game called Picture of the Week. I show the panel a topical image and
00:28asked him to tell me what's happening. So teams, what's going on here? Has the recession hit
00:34the Village People Tribute Act? Is he saying, in this week's Grand Designs I've
00:40entombed Kevin MacLeod behind this wall? Is it the worst profile on UniformDating.com?
00:47Has Miley Cyrus just nicked his sledgehammer?
00:53Is he in fact, has he just bricked over the door that leads to Nick Clegg's office?
01:00Is the caption, under me, Britain faces its biggest problem and it's the hat speaking.
01:07Is he just going, no I don't know when it's going to be finished, I normally work in the car park.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:19He does have that unnestakeable NCP look about him.
01:22Is it the Downing Street Fives Court extension?
01:26LAUGHTER
01:28What is Fives? What is Fives?
01:30It's squash with your hand.
01:32Oh God, I've given myself away there.
01:34LAUGHTER
01:36Can we have the answer? Why this week? Why this week?
01:40Is he playing Scissorstone Odder?
01:43LAUGHTER
01:45Why, why is Cameron in this place?
01:49Is it David Cameron having a trip at the Conservative Party Conference?
01:52That's absolutely right, that's who he's in the news this week.
01:54Well done, Andy Parson.
01:55APPLAUSE
01:57Yes, this is Prime Minister David Cameron on a visit to a housing development near Manchester during this week's Conservative Party Conference.
02:04At the conference, a number of high profile policies were announced.
02:07Have you seen any of these policies?
02:09Yes, they have announced that married couples are going to get a tax allowance, aren't they?
02:12It's going to be amazing.
02:13It's going to be £200 a year.
02:15Wow.
02:16To encourage couples to spend four quid a week, it's brilliant isn't it?
02:20People going here, walk out, go on, don't turn around now.
02:24Come on, eh? There's two quid in it for you!
02:27LAUGHTER
02:29It's literally, it literally is a pint.
02:31You could just get a pint out of it.
02:33And then every week you'll argue for who gets the pint.
02:35You're talking London prices here.
02:37Oh, oh sorry, of course.
02:39If they, if they break into a student bar in Stoke...
02:41Yes!
02:43LAUGHTER
02:45They'll be a hammer for a month.
02:47I don't think that's going to help the cohesion of their marriage.
02:50So, at £200 a year, the average wedding,
02:53is £18,000, so to break even,
02:5690 years you need to be married for.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:00Don't go dying on me!
03:01Don't go dying on me!
03:02I don't even have a 23 years out of you!
03:04Come on!
03:05We're not married, Andy.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:08That was like the weirdest romantic movie ever!
03:11Don't you die on me!
03:12Don't you die on me, Josh Willicom!
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15Don't I feel the gooseberry?
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18Who's actually going to be...
03:20Who's going to be...
03:21What decision would you make differently,
03:22because there's £200 a year?
03:24Well, my accountant advised me to become a Mormon.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:28Your accountant actually is a Mormon.
03:31He was just...
03:32He just hands out those leaflets all the time.
03:34That was a completely unrelated anecdote.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:37It is really, because it's social policy,
03:42it's social engineering,
03:43by dangling money in front of people.
03:45Well, he hasn't dangled it in front of people,
03:46he's waved it in front of people
03:47and said, if you like it,
03:48then you should have put a ring on it.
03:49That's what he's done.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:56What are the policies that they mentioned?
03:58There's a policy for the unemployed,
04:02which is...
04:03It's a great policy.
04:04What happens is if you can't find a job,
04:06you've got to clean up litter
04:09or feed old people,
04:11which is kind of offensive to old people
04:13that they've said they're the worst two jobs.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16What you would need to do, actually,
04:17is get one half of the jobless to pick up litter
04:19and the other half of the jobless
04:21to drop the litter.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:24And that way...
04:25You've got twice as many people busy
04:27and you're not robbing anyone of employment.
04:29There is...
04:30There is a big issue
04:31about the employment of Wombles after this.
04:33They've all come over from Bulgaria, anyway.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:36APPLAUSE
04:41No-one wants to be made unemployed.
04:43It's a horrible thing.
04:44I mean, to be handed a clock
04:45and shown the door,
04:46especially if you work for Al-Qaeda.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52Other clients,
04:53that the long-term unemployed would pick up litter,
04:56that...
04:57Yeah.
04:58and also that they would...
04:59How often do they have to go to the job centre?
05:00Well, every day.
05:01Every single day.
05:02And I think,
05:03if you're going to go to the job centre every day,
05:05you might as well give them a job in the job centre.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:09And the help-to-buy scheme.
05:11The help-to-buy scheme.
05:12I'm in favour of Home Loans,
05:13but I think it was a bit formulaic
05:15by Home Loans 3.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17He was, like, 19 or something.
05:18Yeah.
05:19It was like,
05:20we're all going off on holiday.
05:21Yeah, right, Chelsea in two weeks.
05:22Yes.
05:23The problem is,
05:24I don't think most people understand
05:25all this stuff.
05:26I think if you want to appeal to people,
05:27it needs to be more simple.
05:28Like, I would probably pay a bit more attention
05:29if one of the policies was,
05:30all fire alarms just start off by going,
05:32Psss!
05:33You're toast.
05:34It's just a bit...
05:35You're toast.
05:36It's just a bit...
05:37You're toast.
05:38You're toast.
05:39You're toast.
05:40You're toast.
05:41You're toast.
05:42You're toast.
05:43You're toast.
05:44You're toast.
05:46You're toast.
05:47You're toast.
05:48It's just a bit burnt.
05:49And then I'd go,
05:50oh, right,
05:51this guy knows what he's talking about.
05:52Or if the government made plug sockets higher
05:55so you didn't have to bend over as much.
05:58Yorkshire puddings with every meal.
06:00Yes.
06:01Go ahead.
06:02This stuff,
06:03I just get confused.
06:04Too many numbers.
06:05Too many people.
06:06I don't know what's going on.
06:07You know,
06:08I look forward to someone,
06:09you...
06:10I thought this was Buzzcocks.
06:11Yes.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:14APPLAUSE
06:16And on the news,
06:20who the government hoping will defend Britain from cyber attacks?
06:23This is the idea that they're going to get geeks,
06:26computer geeks,
06:27employed by the army to protect us.
06:29And let's face it,
06:30it's going to change the face of war if it's all cyber war, isn't it?
06:33You know,
06:34people instead of going,
06:35oh, I fought in World War II,
06:37Battle of Dunkirk,
06:39it'll be more like,
06:40I fought in World War III,
06:41level five.
06:42LAUGHTER
06:43Yeah,
06:44they're getting hackers to jump ship essentially.
06:47It's like such a naff movie thing
06:49that you get the hacker into the room and he goes,
06:51you can't pin anything on me,
06:52and the guy goes,
06:53I'm not here to rest you,
06:54I'm here to offer you a job.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57OK.
06:58Are these the people that have got excellent password strength?
07:00Is that who these people are?
07:01That tells the science, yeah.
07:02LAUGHTER
07:03All the time that you've typed it in,
07:05that's what it's been doing.
07:06That's right.
07:07Is it?
07:08Is it wondering how?
07:09What?
07:10Josh's mum?
07:11No.
07:12Why you would call her Josh's mum?
07:14I have no idea.
07:15We're not very close,
07:16we're not very close.
07:18Cyber war films though,
07:19they're going to be done, aren't they?
07:20You know,
07:21things like Das Reboot.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24Yeah.
07:25Yeah.
07:26Yeah.
07:27APPLAUSE
07:29The great alt-de-lip escape,
07:31that's not going to be a corker,
07:32is it, that one?
07:33Saving as Private Ryan.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:36Yeah.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38We're in for a platoon.
07:40No!
07:41I spilled coffee on my laptop!
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44You've just got to do the most difficult things
07:46on a computer to win it,
07:47so it's like unsubscribing from LinkedIn...
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50..and finding the hashtag key on an Apple keyboard.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:55Without having to copy it from Google,
07:56which is what I have to do every time.
07:58My name has a little line over the O.
08:00My name...
08:01Actually, my proper name...
08:02I've professionally had to dump it
08:03because I can't find it on my keyboard.
08:05LAUGHTER
08:06I abused my Irish heritage.
08:08I just can't...
08:09It's somewhere.
08:10It's that and that and that.
08:11And then that and that.
08:12That's good.
08:13I'll change my name.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:15It's just easier.
08:16They're meant, aren't they?
08:17What's their job?
08:18They're meant to slow down our enemy's capacity
08:20for cyber warfare.
08:21Yes.
08:22Yeah.
08:23See more.
08:24Put China on BT broadband.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:28APPLAUSE
08:30They said the kinds of things you have to do
08:34would get you arrested in the real world,
08:36they were saying,
08:37but correct me if I'm wrong,
08:38that's also true of regular soldiers.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:42LAUGHTER
08:44You know,
08:45I'm thinking specifically of shooting and so forth.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:49Ordinary policemen know nothing about computers.
08:51I don't know if you've been down to PC World.
08:54LAUGHTER
08:59Why is there extra pressure on some students
09:00to do well at university?
09:02Oh, this is because parents can now bet
09:05on what their children are going to get.
09:07So there might be pressure to get a first
09:09if that's what they bet on,
09:10but also they can kind of come to you and go,
09:13you're going to need to throw this exam.
09:15LAUGHTER
09:17I've put the house on you getting a 2-2.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:21Could you do an exam under that kind of pressure?
09:23No.
09:24I'd worry if the odds change, like, you know, in football,
09:27and then Ray Winston's head would come up.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30In a little exam.
09:31A giant...
09:32Why, bet in play.
09:33Not now, Ray.
09:35You've got that wrong.
09:37Shut up, Ray.
09:38Shut up, giant, floating Ray Winston's head
09:40of training an exam here.
09:43We had a very similar thing at our school,
09:45and that was having a bet on who we thought
09:47was going to miss out on their GCSEs
09:49cos they were pregnant.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:51And everybody got it right.
09:53Sarah Pocock.
09:54So, there we go.
09:55LAUGHTER
09:57Not a real name.
09:58Not a real name.
09:59Did you make sure of that, Andy?
10:00There's an element of...
10:01There's an element of danger of insider trading there.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:05Quite literally inside the trading, isn't it?
10:09LAUGHTER
10:10Officially said it was sports day.
10:12Seven exams.
10:14Sports day.
10:15Maybe that more interesting.
10:16Loads of parents with, like, houses
10:17on the egg and the spoon race.
10:18Don't drop the egg!
10:19Don't drop the egg!
10:20OK, at the end of the round,
10:22we've got Sean here in Meltdown!
10:24APPLAUSE
10:30Now, we play a round called
10:32Can You Smell What The Mock Is Cooking?
10:34This game involved Josh and Milton.
10:37So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
10:39This round is our stand-up challenge.
10:41I launch the Wheel of News
10:42and whoever chooses to stop,
10:43one of our performers must step forward
10:45and talk about that subject.
10:46The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
10:48OK, let's go.
10:49Let's spin the wheel.
10:51First topic is childhood.
10:53Who wants to come in on that?
10:54Josh.
10:57I grew up in a small village in Devon,
10:59which was as fun as it sounds.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:02Very little happened.
11:04To give you an idea,
11:05the most exciting thing that happened in my village
11:07was when I was seven,
11:08for a brief period,
11:09there was a bull in a field.
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12And I was terrified of this bull.
11:13I used to walk past him.
11:14I'd go,
11:15oh, don't worry about that.
11:16He's more scared of you than you are of him.
11:18And I used to think,
11:19no, he isn't, mate.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21Bonfire night was the worst, though,
11:23because the build-up to bonfire night
11:25was just warnings about the way it was going to go wrong.
11:27And they'd go, oh, bonfire night's coming up.
11:29We're either going to get burnt with a sparkle
11:30or hit with a firework.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33My favourite was on Blue Peter every year.
11:34They'd have the same warning
11:35that applied to no-one in Britain.
11:36Every year they'd go,
11:37oh, bonfire night's coming up,
11:38and if you do own a pet tortoise...
11:40LAUGHTER
11:43And they'd go,
11:44if you do own a pet tortoise
11:45and it's hibernating in a box,
11:46do be careful to not absent-mindedly
11:48throw that box onto the fire.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51I don't know how unlikely that scenario is.
11:54So, I know no-one who owns a pet tortoise.
11:57Secondly, how unruly is your bonfire night getting?
12:00LAUGHTER
12:01You go, yeah, just chuck everything on, yeah.
12:03Yeah, Guy Fawkes with her shit,
12:05show them what I think of him.
12:06Go into my houses, get my boxes,
12:08don't look in them,
12:09throw them on the fire.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:11I don't care that the contents is snoring,
12:13throw it on, I told you!
12:15LAUGHTER
12:16Two months later, you walk around your house
12:17going, where the hell is Sheldon?
12:19LAUGHTER
12:21The warnings there were wrong.
12:23The warning on sparklers,
12:24it'll burn your hands,
12:25that happened to no-one.
12:26The warning on sparklers should be,
12:27if you plan on using a sparkler,
12:29do be aware,
12:30you will do the same three shapes
12:32you did every other year.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35Zig-zags, circles.
12:38Go on then, I'll write my own name,
12:39that is it, every year.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42We used to have those home fireworks displays,
12:44they'd be terrifying,
12:45most people were interested in health and safety,
12:47my dad didn't bother with that,
12:48he'd just go, well, you know,
12:49we've got six fireworks,
12:51the cat's got nine lives,
12:52we're going to be fine.
12:53LAUGHTER
12:54We'd be firing off fireworks
12:55towards the village
12:56like we declared war,
12:57and then,
12:58whole thing would climax,
12:59so the Catherine wheel
13:00nailed to a gate,
13:01failing to go off.
13:02My dad creeping up on it,
13:03us going,
13:04Dad, you're not meant to go back
13:05to a lit firework,
13:06him going,
13:07don't worry about that,
13:08it's more scared of me than I am of it,
13:09it'll be fine.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11Thank you very much, Josh,
13:12and welcome.
13:13APPLAUSE
13:14OK, so Milton has left,
13:16let's see what topic he has,
13:18let's spin the wheel.
13:19And the topic is travel.
13:21Where you go?
13:26Strange things do happen,
13:27once,
13:28once,
13:29I saw a little green man,
13:30and I walked towards him,
13:31and he just disappeared,
13:32and then I got run over.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:40Kuala Lumpur,
13:41that was a bit of a disappointment.
13:42I always thought it was a bear,
13:44crossed with an Oompa Loompa.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46You know,
13:47clingy,
13:48but quite hard-working.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:51I was in France recently,
13:53I saw this little old lady,
13:55knitting in the town square,
13:56I said,
13:57voulez-vous crochet avec moi?
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00She took it all the wrong way.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:05What with the financial situation,
14:07I'm not sure Ireland's going to stay afloat.
14:10Cork, maybe.
14:11LAUGHTER
14:12Eleven days it takes to walk to Torquay,
14:16holding the hand of a seven-year-old.
14:18Well, that's what I thought.
14:20It was his birthday treat,
14:22but it turns out he actually wanted a walkie-talkie.
14:24LAUGHTER
14:25I'm very English, really.
14:26I even ordered a book on the internet,
14:28How To Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Your Neighbours.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:32Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:34APPLAUSE
14:35Well done, thank you very much.
14:36Points there, go to Milton.
14:37Come on back.
14:38APPLAUSE
14:39APPLAUSE
14:40Our next round is called...
14:43If this is the answer, what is the question?
14:58On the board are six categories.
15:00Sean, which category would you like?
15:02Ah, I'd go for...
15:05Environment.
15:06Environment it is.
15:07The answer is 95%.
15:10What is the question?
15:11Is it the percentage of a Domino's pizza left
15:14before I think,
15:15what am I doing with my life?
15:18LAUGHTER
15:20LAUGHTER
15:22If somebody tells me
15:24that Mark Darcy has been killed off
15:26for the next Bridget Jones book,
15:28what are the chances that I don't give a shit?
15:31LAUGHTER
15:33Is it express 19 20ths as a fraction?
15:37LAUGHTER
15:39Look, that's not a fraction.
15:41Oh, the other way around.
15:42So...
15:43No.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:46How much of Peter Crouch is limbs?
15:50LAUGHTER
15:52Is it...
15:53Is it what proportion of accidents in hand-grenade shops
15:56are caused by assistants saying,
15:57can I have your pin, please?
15:59LAUGHTER
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02What percentage of Hawaii's income is made by Milton buying shirts?
16:09LAUGHTER
16:11LAUGHTER
16:12APPLAUSE
16:13Is it, um...
16:14Is it express 19 20ths as a percentage?
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19LAUGHTER
16:21APPLAUSE
16:23Is it, if I send a text on the new iPhone,
16:25how much battery will it drain?
16:27LAUGHTER
16:28Is it, how sure am I, Merry Christmas,
16:31that this answer will end up in the Christmas compilation?
16:34LAUGHTER
16:35LAUGHTER
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38Is it express 76 80ths as...
16:41LAUGHTER
16:43That's whatever they're called.
16:45Is it, what are the chances I'm going to shove Miles' abacus up his arse?
16:49LAUGHTER
16:50LAUGHTER
16:51Is it, what are the chances Richard Dawkins will be turned away from heaven?
16:55LAUGHTER
16:58Is it, what rating does Paradise currently have on TripAdvisor?
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03LAUGHTER
17:04Is it, what looks like one neighbour talking to another neighbour over the fence
17:08about the two big numbers in his garden?
17:10LAUGHTER
17:12LAUGHTER
17:14LAUGHTER
17:16LAUGHTER
17:17OK, I'm going to have to move you towards, if I possibly can,
17:21towards the correct answer.
17:23LAUGHTER
17:24Is it, what are the chances that humans created climate change?
17:27That's absolutely right.
17:28Very, very good.
17:29Thank you very much.
17:30Well done.
17:31Good job.
17:32Really enjoyable.
17:33APPLAUSE
17:34Let's give the exact answer before your people start writing in.
17:38The question I was looking for is,
17:40according to a major new UN report on climate change,
17:43how certain are scientists that mankind is to blame for global warming?
17:46This is the news that the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change
17:49has published a report concluding that they are 95% certain
17:53that since 1950 mankind have been the dominant cause of climate change.
17:58It's a disappointing statistic though, isn't it?
18:00It's like, when you see on a condom packet these are 99% successful, you know,
18:05and you think, well, what happens if you make love 100 times?
18:08You know, you're thinking, maybe I need to keep count.
18:10Well, Andy, someone knocks on your door and gives you a prize.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:22Are you going to say that I'm still in the 90s?
18:25LAUGHTER
18:26It's merely gossip, I'm sure.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29The, erm...
18:30Yes, but there's obviously people who won't,
18:32it doesn't matter how many reported people...
18:33They say C levels are going to rise,
18:35but that's very difficult to check.
18:37Because they're constantly kind of doing that.
18:39LAUGHTER
18:40Yeah, but the ground isn't, Josh.
18:42You've noticed that.
18:43There's a fairly easy kind of, like,
18:45if you look at the edge of, like, a harbour,
18:46there's, like, a wall that gets wet and then dries,
18:49and then it gets wet again.
18:50That's...
18:51Yeah, but they're up and down, Dara.
18:52They're going up and down all the time.
18:53All the time.
18:54But they can just measure the highest bit
18:56and wait a while and see if it gets higher the next day.
18:59That's why you're a scientist, aren't they?
19:01LAUGHTER
19:02They are worried about sea level rising, aren't they?
19:05Yes, they are.
19:06Apparently, East Anglia, if it goes more than about two metres,
19:10the whole thing is going to go underwater.
19:12And currently, in East Anglia,
19:13they're complaining about all these wind turbines
19:15that are going to spoil the view.
19:16You're thinking,
19:17not as much as two billion gallons of seawater.
19:20They'll be grateful for the wind turbines, then, won't they?
19:22Because they'll be one of the few things above sea level
19:24that they can bloody cling on to.
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27I'm on to the wind turbines!
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30I didn't think there's planned through!
19:32LAUGHTER
19:34What's the other 5% that might be to blame?
19:37No, no, no.
19:38There is still a 5% chance that it will be just...
19:41Oh, it's not like squirrels or something.
19:42No, it isn't that other animals have been farting out the CO2.
19:47I was just going to ask Miles what the chances are
19:50of it not being caught...
19:51LAUGHTER
19:52..by a man-made death.
19:53As a fraction, yes.
19:54As a fraction.
19:55What would that be, Mum?
19:56Oh, you're looking at...
19:57Yeah.
19:58..720th or something like that?
19:59LAUGHTER
20:04I'll be honest,
20:05I was quite surprised when you got to the end of that question
20:07and it was directed at me,
20:08and I may not have listened to some of the words involved...
20:11LAUGHTER
20:12..in the sentence before my name came up,
20:14but I suddenly realised you were looking at me.
20:15This keeps happening on this show.
20:16You're all talking about, I mean, God knows what.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:20I look up and my dear colleagues are expecting me to join in.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:24Have you put a bet on yourself to throw Mock the Week?
20:27LAUGHTER
20:29So what plans are there to possibly counteract us?
20:32If this is the case, what are the plans to counteract us?
20:34A cooling-off period.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:37What, you couldn't tell everyone just to calm down for a while?
20:40Yeah, yeah.
20:41In my experience, these things sort themselves out.
20:42LAUGHTER
20:44LAUGHTER
20:46And the mirror, have you seen the mirror in space?
20:48A mirror in space?
20:49A mirror in space that would deflect sunlight,
20:51cos the sun is a thing which is constantly going to keep overheating,
20:53so you deflect the sunlight away.
20:55Will it face us as well?
20:57Will it be double-sided?
20:58What, will you be able to look at yourself in the space mirror?
21:00Yeah, you'll be going out and you're going for hair, alright?
21:02Yeah, good, let's go.
21:03Good to go.
21:04OK.
21:05And if you break the mirror, it's a billion years.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:10I have this, like, in small squares, so it's like a mirror ball.
21:13So there's spins in space.
21:14A disco ball.
21:15A disco ball giant...
21:16LAUGHTER
21:17LAUGHTER
21:18What did Tesco supermarket withdraw from sale recently?
21:23A doll of a gay best friend.
21:26Yes, it was a doll of a gay best friend.
21:28So...
21:29There it is.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:31I mean, it's not particularly realistic.
21:32It's a third-party seller, so this is the problem with it.
21:35Their website opened a third-party seller, but it was removed.
21:38The description of the product and said,
21:40If Sex and City and Will and Grace have taught us anything,
21:42it's that gay best friends are in this season.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:46It said that, didn't it?
21:47It said it loves shopping, loves dancing,
21:49and it'll tell you how big your bum is.
21:52LAUGHTER
21:53This, incidentally.
21:55Oh, there we go.
21:56Dara's got a best friend, everybody!
21:58Finally.
21:59Finally.
22:00Why can't I find a fella?
22:01I know, I know, I know.
22:02You're the same.
22:03Oh.
22:04Can we just sit in and watch the DVDs together?
22:06It's offensive, is it, really, in any sense?
22:08I mean, I don't think...
22:09I think the gay community, right,
22:11they'll be less offended that it's a gay best friend, right?
22:14They'll be more offended that any gay person
22:16might dress that badly, wouldn't it?
22:18Yes.
22:19Look at that.
22:20Are those boots in right now?
22:22LAUGHTER
22:23I think you ought to look at the hair on the back of his head.
22:25Yeah.
22:26That is the weirdest thing.
22:28LAUGHTER
22:29It's his hairy ears I'm particularly impressed by, yeah.
22:31LAUGHTER
22:32I have never known the gay...
22:33I mean, these are people who were, like,
22:35wax, back, sack, crack, the whole thing, right?
22:38Not Ian with the ears.
22:39The ears?!
22:40I didn't know there was a thing in the gay community.
22:41The, er...
22:42While we're drawing attention to things that are
22:44not realistic about it,
22:46I think it's too small.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:50That's...
22:52And please, don't use my head as a sense of scare.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:57That can be confusing.
22:59At the moment, the gay best friend thinks that Ray Winston's
23:01going to give him some odds.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03Let him play.
23:04Let him play.
23:05Come on.
23:06The faithful gay man.
23:08LAUGHTER
23:09Odds have changed all the time.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:12So did you manage to buy one before it was removed from sale?
23:15Uh, yes, I bought one, then complained,
23:17so no-one else can have one.
23:18LAUGHTER
23:19LAUGHTER
23:20He's my best friend and not yours.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24LAUGHTER
23:25What's that?
23:26I know, I know, I know.
23:27Such a bitch.
23:28Er...
23:29LAUGHTER
23:30I think if you had a UKIP supporter drowning,
23:33chuck that at him.
23:34This'll save you.
23:35Here's Kevin.
23:36No!
23:37I don't know what to do.
23:38I'm confused.
23:39OK.
23:40At the end of that round,
23:41the poets go to Mars, Josh and Andy!
23:44CHEERING
23:45Now we've come to scenes we'd like to see,
23:51so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, please.
23:54I'll read out this week's topics
23:55and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
23:57OK, here we go.
23:58Yep.
23:59The first subject is...
24:01Unlikely small ads.
24:05Do you want a larger penis?
24:07Beach volleyball tonight on BBC One.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:12LAUGHTER
24:15For sale, 400 jars of mayonnaise
24:17would suit the sort of person
24:18who's not that fussed by best-before-end dates.
24:21LAUGHTER
24:23LAUGHTER
24:25For sale, one pack of polos unopened.
24:28Mint condition.
24:30LAUGHTER
24:33APPLAUSE
24:35Sperm donors wanted.
24:36Please come quickly.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:40For sale, horse would make excellent pet.
24:45Or pate.
24:47LAUGHTER
24:49Wanted.
24:51Specid lessons.
24:53LAUGHTER
24:58Do you want your house to smell nice
24:59and spice up your sex life?
25:01Then why not try...
25:03Glade Butt Plugins?
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07LAUGHTER
25:12Goodbye, Dad. Rest in peace.
25:14And perhaps if you hadn't gambled away all our money,
25:16this would be in obituaries.
25:18LAUGHTER
25:24New subject for scenes we'd like to see.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28The next topic is...
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32Unlikely things to hear on Crimewatch.
25:35The police have said it's OK for the public
25:38to approach the gunman as he's sawn off the wrong end
25:41of the shotgun.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43LAUGHTER
25:48Hopkins has committed various food hygiene offences
25:51and there is now a bounty on his head.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54LAUGHTER
25:58And now a case of Grand Theft Auto.
26:01Someone has stolen the case of my Grand Theft Auto.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:06LAUGHTER
26:09The victim was marched to the cash point
26:11and made to take out £300.
26:13That's the last time he forgets his wife's birthday.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:23Good night.
26:24And remember, don't shave white bears.
26:26No, that's not it.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:31We believe the occult to be involved in this crime.
26:34This is the victim's phone and the last number is 666.
26:38Hang on, it's upside down.
26:39LAUGHTER
26:50Sometimes victims of crime don't even know they've been robbed
26:53because they use the items taken so infrequently.
26:56Take Dara O'Breen.
26:59Burglars stole his legs six months ago.
27:01LAUGHTER
27:03More info on that post office robbery.
27:12They charged me £4.50 to send a parcel to second class.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:20No, I'm...
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23This afternoon £10,000 worth of cocaine was stolen.
27:26Can whoever took it put it back in my dressing room?
27:28LAUGHTER
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31Yeah, no, I don't know who took it, yeah.
27:33No, I don't...
27:35LAUGHTER
27:37LAUGHTER
27:39Well, we hope that reconstruction jogged a few memories.
27:42If not, well, we've needlessly shot four more people.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:47OK, at the end of that round, the podium tomorrow is Josh and Andy.
27:50APPLAUSE
27:55And that's the end of the show.
27:56This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Josh Riddick and the Miles Jock.
28:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:03Thank you for watching. I'm Gary O'Breen. Good night.
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