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00:00Don't believe in everything you see or hear.
00:06Read all about it. Read all about it.
00:11News of the world. News of the world.
00:14Read all about it. Read all about it.
00:19News of the world. News of the world.
00:25Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
00:27I'm Daryl O'Brien.
00:28Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sarah Pascoe and Josh Whittacombe,
00:32Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and James Acaster.
00:42We start with a round called Picture of the Week.
00:44I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
00:47So, what's going on here?
00:50Is it a PR stunt by the Conservatives that in order to look more human
00:54they all have to be followed around by a Dalek at all times?
00:58Is it actually just the worst pairing ever on Strictly Come Dancing?
01:04Is this not David Cameron meeting the only 70s television star not being investigated by Operation Black?
01:09Is it a Dalek saying,
01:15don't worry David, honour what it's like to have doctors hate you as well?
01:19I actually think the Dalek could be worried that the TARDIS is broken
01:25because he's asked for 2014 and he's got out and he's like,
01:29friends is on TV, there's a war in Iraq, someone just left Tate that.
01:33And a famous sportsman got off for killing his partner and back in the 90s.
01:39Is it just Doctor Who regenerates his twat?
01:45I like the idea that David Cameron has walked by
01:47and somebody just goes to the Dalek,
01:49you had one job.
01:51Is the Dalek simply going,
02:01ex-public school?
02:05It's weird as it because it looks like he hasn't even noticed the Dalek.
02:09He's only blanking it because they slept together once.
02:17Do you not remember me?
02:19You held me.
02:21You held me.
02:22You held me.
02:26You said you could get me working PR.
02:32No, does anyone know why Cameron is in the news?
02:34This is the Conservative Party conference which is being held in Birmingham.
02:37Absolutely, thank you very much.
02:38Well done, Hugh.
02:42Yes, it's a picture of David Cameron who faced a difficult start
02:45to this year's Conservative Party conference in Birmingham this week.
02:48Why?
02:49Want to overshadow the conference?
02:50Well, Mark Reckless defected over to UKIP.
02:53Indeed he did.
02:54And in some ways it's quite a surprise, isn't it?
02:56That UKIP accepted a defection from another party
03:00because they don't really like outsiders coming in and taking their jobs.
03:03I like Mark, well I don't like Mark Reckless but I like his name.
03:12Yeah.
03:13He could be like an 80s cop.
03:16I'd like to see a drama where Reckless is thrown off the case.
03:20That's what I'd like to see.
03:21And the other guy who's defected is called Carswell.
03:24So that's quite a good team, isn't it?
03:25Reckless and Carswell.
03:26Reckless and Carswell.
03:27You're off the case, Reckless.
03:29We're going to bring in Brian Irresponsible.
03:31Yeah, but prior to this, the thing that he was most famous for, Mark Reckless, wasn't it,
03:36was that he got too drunk in the House of Commons and was incapable of voting.
03:41He couldn't actually get out of the bar door, if you remember.
03:43He was trying to open the bar door to go and vote and he kept on opening it on his own foot
03:48without realising that it was his own foot in the way.
03:52And you're guessing he's probably been trying to leave the Conservative Party for years.
04:03They're very angry.
04:04Very angry at him.
04:05A lot of people calling him Judas.
04:07He hates that, because that's an immigrant's name.
04:12The problem for all parties, though, when people defect, is you can defect whenever you want, right,
04:15to cause the maximum damage.
04:17But presumably you could get round that if you just had, like, you know, defection window.
04:21Couldn't you, like...
04:23You could have, like, the transfer window and then you could have, like, people defecting
04:27and you could have deadline date.
04:28Oh, that would be exciting.
04:29And it could all be covered by Sky News.
04:31So you get Tories going to UKIP, couple of Lib Dems going to Labour.
04:35Labour bloke joined Stokes City by mistake.
04:43Peter Odom when he drives to the UKIP training ground and just hangs around wanting to force their hand into taking him.
04:50No.
04:51Yeah, what would be the UKIP medical?
04:52Well, there's one medical.
04:53Are you white?
04:54That's the medical, isn't it?
04:55Yes.
04:56Well, we've done the skin test and he seems to be passing it very well.
05:01Do you fancy a curry?
05:02No.
05:03Excellent.
05:06It's probably the best time we've ever had, huh?
05:08But it is the fact, as well, that he did leave on conference day, which is like dumping someone on their birthday.
05:15That's why he's so upset.
05:16Like, you've gone, it's all insecure, it's going to get some highlights.
05:20Is it because they've got a tighter immigration policy than me?
05:23That wasn't all that happened, obviously.
05:26What other setbacks did the Conservatives have suffered just for the conference?
05:29We've been looking forward to this.
05:30This is the man who, the Conservative MP, who exposed himself over social media whilst wearing his blue and red paisley pyjamas.
05:39Yes.
05:40What was his name?
05:41Brooks and Newmark.
05:42Oh, it's quite the romantic novelist name, isn't it?
05:44Yeah.
05:45I mean, Mark Reckless is a crazy cop on the edge, but Brooks and Newmark is your first pet and the road you grew up on.
05:50Yes.
05:55Oh, that's a real name, but Brooks and Newmark.
05:57Do you think he looks like if you pumped up Ed Miliband?
06:00Yeah, he does, yeah.
06:02And then just slowly let the air out of him.
06:05I find myself in the odd, I don't normally feel this way, but I feel sorry for him.
06:10I think it's, he got stung by a journalist pretending to be a girl.
06:15Yeah.
06:16Sent him lewd photographs of another girl.
06:19I know, I know.
06:20I have sympathy for him as well.
06:21But that penis is not an attractive, no seduction is worth by going, well, wait till you see this.
06:28This is a very beautiful thing.
06:32Well, actually.
06:33I know, not a generalisation of a woman, but they don't find men's bits, I think, as just visually well.
06:38That is particularly lovely.
06:39Is that why there's the little opening at the front of the pyjamas?
06:43It's specifically designed for that, yeah.
06:45Pyjamas, so in order for you to get your junk out, quick photo, pop it back in again.
06:49In the olden days, you'd just pop it out of your pyjamas, quickly draw a charcoal sketch, fold it up, give it to a carrier pigeon, then take it to a local madam.
06:57Or the brass rubbing, but you've got to be careful because it gets bigger as you go on.
07:02APPLAUSE
07:04There is a generational element to this, though, that it is very much the lingua franca for young people and their...
07:11Josh, please.
07:12I would have put it in, you're a young man.
07:14Is this common now just as a, hello, you look quite nice.
07:18Click, click, here you go.
07:19It's a standard form of a dress, I'm told.
07:24I wasn't expecting to be put on the spot, Dara, but I can say that one of you has received a photo of me already this evening.
07:34And when you all go back to your dressing rooms, my cock is on your phone, Dara.
07:40Well, that is, I mean, I thought it would be preloaded anyway, like the U2 album.
07:45But...
07:46That would...
07:48That...
07:49But...
07:50That would be very exciting.
07:52I tell you all, people would be complaining about the space that was taken up on their phones.
07:57I hope you've got a 32 gig for this baby.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:03Can we move on to the actual meeting itself, the Conservative Party conference, how has that gone?
08:08How have the Conservatives, in the light of all these candles, won back the hearts and minds of the British public?
08:13The camera wants to bring back the idea that you'll have your own doctor, again.
08:16They want to extend GP hours and also have your...
08:18You don't just see any old GP, you'll have your own GP.
08:21Which I like the idea of, because my surgery, you don't know which one you're going to see.
08:24And sometimes, when you arrive, we've got one of those electronic, arrive for your appointment things,
08:28rather than talk to a receptionist.
08:30They feel there's a more efficient way of spreading disease, if you all have to touch a screen.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:35And...
08:36And sometimes it'll say you're going to see this doctor or that doctor, but sometimes it doesn't know.
08:39And I...
08:40One time I've gone in, and it's actually gone, you are seeing...
08:43Doctor Unknown.
08:45LAUGHTER
08:47My old nemesis.
08:49LAUGHTER
08:50We'll meet again, Doctor Unknown.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54People are worried about, kind of, immigration and employment.
08:57People are defecting to UKIP.
08:58And so, to counter that, there's an amazing policy, which is that if you...
09:04If a parent or something dies and he leaves a pension, they're going to reduce the tax that you have to pay after death.
09:10You kind of think, what, is that exciting in any sense?
09:14Yes.
09:15No.
09:16To rich people, that is enormously exciting.
09:18LAUGHTER
09:19I don't understand it.
09:21What...
09:22What about...
09:23Zombies?
09:24OK.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26Zombies is a legal grey area.
09:28LAUGHTER
09:29Do they have to pay it, or do they get a rebate?
09:31They don't get a rebate, but they only have to pay a lower rate of tax on when they draw down the lump sum that they had previously invested but not taken.
09:40Presumably they became a zombie after 75.
09:42Before 75, of course, they get the same series of monthly payments that I have losing up to the breakup.
09:48APPLAUSE
09:50APPLAUSE
09:52I had a really good analogy for this, because I think it's really, really terrifying, isn't it?
09:55These voiceless people seem to be having...
09:57And vulnerable people having their benefits cut.
09:59And the trouble with Tories is they tell you that this...
10:01They kind of sell this idea that there's these people's faults.
10:03And so this is my analogy.
10:04So, I don't know if you know this, but girls, when they're in the toilets, some girls hover,
10:08because they think that public toilets are disgusting.
10:10What, off the floor?
10:11No.
10:12Yes!
10:13It's amazing.
10:14We can do that.
10:15You are amazing!
10:18Well, we only do it in secret or you'll love us too much.
10:21LAUGHTER
10:23So, girls hover above the toilet seats, and then they wee,
10:26and then that means that what they do is they kind of spray a fine mist all over the toilet seat,
10:30which means that if you're a trusting person who doesn't think that toilets are disgusting,
10:33you just sit down and then you're covered with somebody else's urine and you have to take it off.
10:37And actually, the point is, if no-one ever hovered, everyone could sit on toilets.
10:41It would be fine for everyone.
10:43It's just like the Tories.
10:45LAUGHTER
10:46You see?
10:47LAUGHTER
10:48It's a hell of an analogy.
10:50That is...
10:51APPLAUSE
10:52I think...
10:53I think we can all get behind that as a political slogan if nobody ever hovers.
10:57I don't know whether I like girls more or less after that.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who hovers.
11:04LAUGHTER
11:06APPLAUSE
11:08At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Sarah and Andy!
11:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:14Now, we play a round called You Kip Me All Night, Baby.
11:18LAUGHTER
11:22Josh and James, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
11:25This round is a stand-up challenge.
11:27I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
11:29one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
11:31OK.
11:32Here we go.
11:33Let's spin the wheel.
11:35The first subject is adventure.
11:37Who wants to come in on that?
11:38James.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40I'm not a very adventurous person.
11:43LAUGHTER
11:44I've only ever used one side of a cheese grater.
11:48LAUGHTER
11:50LAUGHTER
11:52I've got no idea what the other three sides even do.
11:55LAUGHTER
11:56I'm not the only one, either.
11:58Everyone knows what side I'm talking about, right?
12:01LAUGHTER
12:02Big holes!
12:03LAUGHTER
12:04I've got no time for small holes and tiny holes.
12:07I don't know if you've ever seen small holes.
12:09It's the roughest side I've ever seen in my life, small holes.
12:11There's rows of tiny little spikes.
12:12So I'm going to use that side as in self-defence.
12:15LAUGHTER
12:16Then you've got to wash it.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:21I don't know how you negotiate that.
12:23How you wash something that is rougher than your own scouring pad.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:28Interestingly, the only thing rough enough to wash a cheese grater is a second cheese grater.
12:39LAUGHTER
12:41I refuse to believe that anyone who's ever used a side with the three curvy slits in it...
12:46LAUGHTER
12:47..don't need them.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50Get rid of them, replace them with something I'd actually use in my day-to-day cheese needs.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:55Like, for me, it'd be a device that in one smooth downward motion completely unwraps a baby bell.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:03Someone told me the other day the three curvy slits they use for slicing cheese.
13:07Apparently.
13:09That's the word on the street.
13:11LAUGHTER
13:12Now, if I'm going to slice cheese, my first port of call is seldom the grater.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21Call me old-fashioned, I'm a knife man.
13:24LAUGHTER
13:25You might think I'm a fuddy-duddy, but I like it.
13:27It's unpredictable.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30You always start out.
13:31LAUGHTER
13:37You're thinking, well, this cheese cutting's going excellently.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41Ooh, yeah.
13:42It just passed the halfway mark and the cheese takes over.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46You can't reverse it. It's made its mind up now.
13:55And, yeah, now you've got a slice of cheese that's half the size you wanted in the first place.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00But at least you've got some stories.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03APPLAUSE
14:04Thank you, James, for comprehensively dealing with the topic of adventure there.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:21That leaves me with Josh. Let's see what you've been left with. Let's spin the wheel.
14:24That's crime.
14:27Where you go?
14:30So, I, um, had my cheese grater stolen.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:35APPLAUSE
14:41I got burgled, not for the cheese grater.
14:44LAUGHTER
14:45When you get burgled, everyone says the same thing to you.
14:47Everyone says, oh, I'll tell you what the worst thing about being burgled is.
14:50It's knowing that a stranger's been through your things.
14:52I go, no.
14:54LAUGHTER
14:55It's not the worst thing about being burgled is knowing a stranger has my things.
14:58LAUGHTER
15:00If they had just been browsing, I wouldn't have given a shit.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:06LAUGHTER
15:07Offer me two options.
15:09One, come home, my laptop is gone.
15:11Or two, come home and find a stranger in my room.
15:13Going, well, I like this T-shirt, but, er...
15:15Have you got it in a large?
15:17LAUGHTER
15:18LAUGHTER
15:19I phoned my dad and said I've been burgled.
15:21He said, we know why you've been burgled and we haven't.
15:23It's cos we're in the Neighbourhood Watch.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26I said, no, it isn't.
15:27It's cos you live in Devon.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30A small village in the middle of nothing,
15:32but mile upon mile of Moorland.
15:34I mean, no-one's gonna burgle you, cos whatever they took,
15:36it wouldn't cover their petrol money.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41What I can tell, the only proactive thing the Neighbourhood Watch does
15:43is once a month they have a meeting.
15:45All that does, it tells burglars for one night out of every 30.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:50All houses are empty and unwatched.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:53There's this paranoia about crime back in Devon, where I'm from.
15:56Went back recently, went into the local co-op
15:58and it's a tiny co-op in a tiny village.
16:00But I went up to desk and there was a sign that said,
16:02did you know we now do legal advice?
16:05And obviously my first reaction was, no.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:10And to be honest, I was pleasantly surprised he did sugar puffs.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:14LAUGHTER
16:15Why is the co-op now doing legal advice?
16:20There's too many people coming in, going,
16:22I've ten silk cut, a viennetta, and I've killed a man.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:27Well done, well done.
16:29Well done, well done.
16:30Well done by you.
16:32Point it now, go to James Day Carter.
16:34Come on, sit down.
16:36CHEERING
16:37APPLAUSE
16:42Our next round is called, if this is the answer,
16:44what is the question?
16:45On the board are six categories.
16:47James, which category would you like?
16:49I would like sport, please, Dara.
16:52OK, sport it is.
16:53The answer is eight out of ten.
16:56What is the question?
16:58How many Buzzcocks have got news for you?
17:00LAUGHTER
17:02Is it how many Tory MPs are currently trying to delete
17:09their WhatsApp photo messages as we speak?
17:13It's a sport question.
17:14Is it how many of the hairs on Wayne Rooney's head
17:16started on his arse?
17:18LAUGHTER
17:19APPLAUSE
17:21Is it if you asked Kanye West to name ten people he admires,
17:27how many people would be Kanye West?
17:30LAUGHTER
17:35Is it how many Strictly celebrities are having affairs
17:37with their dance partners?
17:39LAUGHTER
17:42What are my rough chances of happiness
17:45every time I dip into a bag of Revels?
17:47LAUGHTER
17:50Coffee, is it?
17:51I don't like the coffee.
17:52I'm not fond of the orange.
17:53Do you not like the orange?
17:54I don't like the coffee at all
17:55and I'm not fond of the orange.
17:56Yeah.
17:57Do not push me on this.
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59I swear to God, I will take your fucking eye out.
18:01LAUGHTER
18:02Ed, Ed, Ed!
18:03Sorry, sorry!
18:04Ed!
18:05I've said this before.
18:06Let it go on the Revels.
18:07All right, all right.
18:08Ed!
18:09Just buy a bag of minstrels, Ed.
18:10I've said it to you constantly.
18:12LAUGHTER
18:13How many of the answers in this round
18:15won't be broadcast?
18:16LAUGHTER
18:17APPLAUSE
18:19APPLAUSE
18:21Now, Ed,
18:23does anyone want to try to answer the question?
18:25I think this is actually how many times
18:27Europe have beaten America in the Ryder Cup.
18:29Very good, thank you very much, Sarah.
18:30That's fantastic, yes.
18:31We need a punch, man.
18:33APPLAUSE
18:34Yes, the question I was looking for was about the Ryder Cup.
18:36It's how many of the Ryder Cup tournaments
18:38have the European team now won over the last two decades.
18:41This is the 40th Ryder Cup,
18:42which saw the European team win 16 and a half to 11 and a half
18:45against the United States at Glen Eagles this weekend,
18:47continuing their domination since the mid-90s.
18:49Have you been gripped?
18:50I would turn to you, but you probably were.
18:52Ed, have you been gripped?
18:53Yeah, I was thinking it's a no.
18:54Oh, the gulf.
18:56It's like football, but slower.
18:59LAUGHTER
19:01Seeing all of these Europeans getting on so well together,
19:06loving being part of a team together,
19:08UKIP must hate the Ryder Cup, mustn't they?
19:12What I thought was so odd about this,
19:13so the Ryder Cup used to be between Britain and America,
19:17and then we kept losing all the time,
19:19so then we made it Britain and Ireland against America,
19:22and then we kept losing all the time,
19:23so now we've made it the whole of Europe against America,
19:26and now we win all the time,
19:27which means they're going to add on another country,
19:29like Russia,
19:30and then we're going to have to add on another country,
19:32like...
19:33No, Spain's in Europe, Sarah.
19:35They keep losing.
19:36Yeah, yeah.
19:37They're going to add on another country,
19:38so eventually everyone in the world will be playing
19:40in this competition apart from women.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:48What was Rory McIlroy wearing to help them deal with the cold?
19:51It was like oven gloves.
19:52Oh, was it for the cold?
19:53Yeah, why did you think...
19:54Why did you think he was wearing a...
19:56I thought he was using a puppeteer over two sharks?
19:58I've never...
19:59I've never...
20:00He'd won the Ryder Cup,
20:01and he'd also got through to the semi-finals of the Great British Bake Off,
20:04so...
20:05It would have been a lot better if he'd also wore one of those aprons
20:07with, like, a naked woman's body on it, wouldn't it?
20:10It's just got the good oven gloves,
20:11but it's like two separate ones,
20:13and not the, you know, the ones that have...
20:15one oven glove for each hand,
20:16and then that filthy hammock.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:20It's the most bacteria-ridden bit of fabric in your entire house.
20:24What are you using it for?
20:25Handling food.
20:26Nice one.
20:27LAUGHTER
20:28In other news...
20:30Who has David Cameron had to apologise to in the last week?
20:33The Queen.
20:34The Queen.
20:35Yeah, because he told...
20:36I think it was the ex-mayor of New York, wasn't it?
20:38And it was overheard by a journalist.
20:40He said that when the Queen heard the Scottish referendum was up,
20:42she purred.
20:43She purred.
20:44Which apparently she does.
20:45Yeah.
20:46What the Queen says is that,
20:47is that when she doesn't like something,
20:48she goes...
20:51Did she purr?
20:52Or does that,
20:53is that not just the sound that a phone makes
20:54when you hang up on somebody?
20:55LAUGHTER
20:57But I do like the idea of the Queen purring.
20:59I do.
21:00I think that would make a fantastic Christmas message,
21:02wouldn't it?
21:03Oh, yeah.
21:04She sat there on the little armchair.
21:05She's got a little saucer of milk.
21:07A little scratching post on the other side.
21:09And just going...
21:10Oh.
21:11Mmm.
21:12Would the Duke of Edinburgh be scratching her behind the neck?
21:15Is that how...
21:16Is that what happened?
21:17Oh, sorry.
21:18I touched you.
21:19Hello.
21:20Hello, you two.
21:21Hello.
21:22Everyone saw that, right?
21:23What's under the desk?
21:24Get up and show us what's under the desk.
21:28Sarah, quickly hover.
21:31Hover out of here right now.
21:38I don't know.
21:39I tell you what,
21:40that's the furthest I've ever been with a girl.
21:43I mean, I guess, on one level,
21:44yes, she's like a cat.
21:45We feed her,
21:46and she treats us with a fair amount of contempt.
21:52I'm disappointed that,
21:53in the most candid revelation
21:54of what she's like on the phone,
21:55it was just a bit of a purr.
21:57That he didn't...
21:58He didn't say,
21:59and I told her,
22:00it's okay,
22:01Scotland decided to stay,
22:02and she said,
22:03oh, get in,
22:04you fucking beauties.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:07APPLAUSE
22:09APPLAUSE
22:11At the end of that round,
22:12the points go to Ed,
22:13Hugh and James!
22:14APPLAUSE
22:18Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
22:20so if everyone can make their way over
22:21to the performance area.
22:22I'll read out this week's topics,
22:24and then we'll see what our panels can come up with.
22:26OK.
22:27OK.
22:28Here we go.
22:29The first subject is,
22:30unlikely things for a sports commentator to say.
22:34And Hamilton takes the jacket flag.
22:37Give back the jacket flag!
22:39LAUGHTER
22:44And you join us tonight for the boxing.
22:46I really hope a fight doesn't kick off like last...
22:48Guys!
22:49Guys, can't we just talk about...
22:51Welcome to under-16's badminton,
22:56where the players are still laughing at the word shuttlecock.
23:00APPLAUSE
23:06Oh, and the club has connected beautifully there.
23:10But according to World Boxing Federation rules,
23:12that's an instant disqualification.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:19And Switzerland takes the gold,
23:21and hangs on to it,
23:23even after the Second World War is after.
23:31He turns, he shoots,
23:32and that is a horrible end to the Grand National.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:37And Slippery Bastard is in first,
23:38with all arms and legs second,
23:39belly flop boy coming on the inside,
23:40and yes, I have forgotten the swimmers' names,
23:41and have resorted to funny nicknames.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:43APPLAUSE
24:02And you join me here in Helsinki for the final of The Curling,
24:05and you know what that means?
24:07My career is going shit.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:12And the referee checks his watch,
24:14and realises it was given by the Brazilian FA,
24:17and he's going to have to return it.
24:20LAUGHTER
24:22Oh-ho, so will it be Oxford?
24:25Will it be Cambridge?
24:27Who will provide most of the new cabinet?
24:30LAUGHTER
24:32LAUGHTER
24:35And there's a streaker on the pitch,
24:36two words,
24:37hubba-hubba.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:42And as they take the last bend,
24:43that is the end of the bend-stealing championships.
24:46APPLAUSE
24:51And it's the relay,
24:52and he's made a grab for the baton.
24:53Ooh, that's not the baton!
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56But he's got a smile on his face anyway!
24:59LAUGHTER
25:02And Rosberg makes a mistake,
25:03he runs wide into turn two!
25:06Why is he running?
25:07Get in the car!
25:09LAUGHTER
25:10You quat!
25:11LAUGHTER
25:13APPLAUSE
25:14OK, the next topic is...
25:16Lines you wouldn't hear in a TV detective show.
25:19Next up on Channel 5,
25:20a woman has a painful wrist in RSI Miami.
25:28LAUGHTER
25:29LAUGHTER
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32Of course I dusted for Prince.
25:34I'm his cleaner,
25:35and he prefers to be known as the artist formerly known as Prince.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:40LAUGHTER
25:41APPLAUSE
25:42How did I recognise him from just his genitalia?
25:47LAUGHTER
25:48Well...
25:49LAUGHTER
25:50LAUGHTER
25:51It was the red and blue paisley pyjamas round the outside!
25:55APPLAUSE
25:56APPLAUSE
25:57APPLAUSE
25:59Do you not speak Danish?
26:09LAUGHTER
26:11LAUGHTER
26:14This week, Rosemary and Thyme are joined by two Indian detectives.
26:18Turmeric and Chilli.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21APPLAUSE
26:22You're going to arrest me for making lewd and childish innuendos?
26:29I hope you don't expect me to come quietly.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33APPLAUSE
26:35APPLAUSE
26:36This week, there's panic in Midsommar,
26:39as they meet their first black man.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:43APPLAUSE
26:44Ah.
26:45APPLAUSE
26:47Ah, you said it was a whodunit.
26:49Yeah, we arrested Hugh Dennis.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52APPLAUSE
26:54Ah.
26:56APPLAUSE
26:58I think I have solved it, Watson.
27:01No shit, Sherlock.
27:02No shit, Sherlock.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:09APPLAUSE
27:10There has been a heinous crime committed on the Orient Express.
27:14Somebody has done a shit while the train was still in a station.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19LAUGHTER
27:24Leave me alone, Watson.
27:25I'm going to go back into my mind palace.
27:28And have the wank of a lifetime.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:32LAUGHTER
27:34Yeah.
27:35The murderer has cut out the victim's tongue.
27:39Let's get that back to the lab.
27:41I've got some envelopes need licking.
27:43LAUGHTER
27:45APPLAUSE
27:47Now, Constable,
27:49the fact that you've had to redo the chalk outline 17 times
27:53should surely be an indication that the victim is still alive.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:59LAUGHTER
28:04I shoot my gun like I shoot my load...
28:07into my hand.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:10LAUGHTER
28:11LAUGHTER
28:12LAUGHTER
28:13LAUGHTER
28:14LAUGHTER
28:16LAUGHTER
28:18LAUGHTER
28:20LAUGHTER
28:22You're under arrest.
28:23You're not obliged to say anything.
28:25But anything you do say means you'll be an actor rather than an extra
28:27and you get paid a bit more.
28:29LAUGHTER
28:30LAUGHTER
28:31APPLAUSE
28:32LAUGHTER
28:33APPLAUSE
28:34So you say that at the time of the murder,
28:36you were hosting Daybreak on ITV.
28:39So there's no witnesses to corroborate.
28:41LAUGHTER
28:42LAUGHTER
28:44APPLAUSE
28:47Hello, we're the fashion police.
28:49Let's see the body.
28:50Ooh, blue with green.
28:51He deserves to die.
28:52LAUGHTER
28:53LAUGHTER
28:55Very good.
28:56And the part of Ed Hewam days.
28:58APPLAUSE
28:59And that's the end of the show.
29:01This week's winners are...
29:02..Andy Parton, Sarah Pascoe and Josh Riddickham.
29:04CHEERING
29:05Commiterations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Des and James Acaster.
29:06CHEERING
29:08I'm Gary Obreen.
29:09Good night.
29:10I'm Gary Obreen.
29:11Good night.
29:12MUSIC
29:13MUSIC
29:14MUSIC
29:15MUSIC
29:16MUSIC
29:17MUSIC
29:18MUSIC
29:19MUSIC
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