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00:00Read all about it
00:30Read all about it
00:59Read all about it
01:29He thought he'd win
01:31Sort of looks like he's pointing at the button that activates him
01:37If you press the yellow button, casual racism comes out
01:40Is it, to hear the UKIP manifesto, pull my finger
01:50Is he in fact just introducing the winner of the UKIP best in show?
01:57Is that the bloke behind a bouncer, and he's saying, no, you can't come in, see how you like it?
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05So, in summation, who is this?
02:16Is he not? He's called Roger Helmer, isn't he?
02:17Yeah, that's the chap
02:18He's the UKIP candidate for Newark, in the Newark by-election, in which they came second
02:23They did come second
02:24So why he's pointing at him like that is presumably going, loser!
02:29Yes, it's a picture of Nigel Farage and the UKIP candidate for the recent Newark by-election, Roger Helmer
02:34After a recent victory in the European elections, and council gains in the local elections
02:38UKIP went on to come second in this important by-election, cutting the Tory majority by more than half
02:44How are we enjoying the Nigel Farage earthquake at the moment?
02:47Well, the fact that this man came second, and has been deemed the picture of the week
02:52Is an example of how it is UKIP have managed to do as well as they have
02:56There is a touch to that, isn't there?
02:57Because he feels slightly over-represented by this particular television channel
03:01Could you, for example, name the winner of the Newark by-election?
03:12No, I understand he was a member of the Conservative Party
03:15Yeah
03:15But they're not nearly as exciting
03:17Can you tell us where Newark is?
03:21That is an excellent question, and it's just outside New Jersey, isn't it?
03:27Newark is actually an anagram of Nigel Farage's nickname
03:31I love the way that they clapped at different times, depending on how quickly they got it
03:46There is an element of chase going on there
03:49I think people quite like Nigel Farage, because he's a bit of a colourful character, which is ironic
03:56He's also, to defend him, he's in no way a closet racist
04:05A closet racist is someone who doesn't like people from Narnia
04:07The thing that I think is, you know, actually we should be talking about immigration, you know
04:13Because it's a good thing that he's put it on the table
04:16Because, you know, a lot of Europeans are coming into the country
04:19And taking jobs that my parents worked so hard to steal in the 70s
04:23And, you know, on behalf of the Irish, we were quite irritated at the time
04:32You know, because we'd done a good job of nicking those jobs in the 50s
04:36And then you arrived here, waving spices and whatnot
04:39We had no response to that
04:42Listen, if you keep getting in, it is you who are in trouble
04:46Because, you know, taking jobs from British people is their big worry, isn't it?
04:49This will be Mock the Wheat with Sue Barker
04:51She's the natural second choice
04:55When I finally get deported
04:58Sue Barker is definitely going on my job
05:01I think you'll find, though, it was the spices from the East
05:04And the Irish cuisine that joined together to form the potato wedge
05:08A beautiful thing
05:14Nigel Farage, he said there was going to be a flood of Bulgarians and Romanians
05:18Coming over on New Year's Day
05:19Turns out there were now, in fact, 4,000 less Bulgarians and Romanians in the country now
05:24Than there were last year
05:26So, obviously, the Bulgarians and Romanians who were in the country
05:30Suddenly heard that all these other Bulgarians and Romanians were coming to Britain
05:34And they thought, well, that's why I left the country in the first place
05:37It works both ways, though
05:40It works both ways
05:41And the British are even sneakier at getting into countries
05:45I keep having British children
05:48They sneak in through my body
05:52And then they talk like this way
05:55And they love queuing and they eat beans and toast
05:58I don't know where they're coming from
06:00I think you need to address your open-door policy
06:05I thought you were laughing at me a couple seconds ago
06:14But you just thought of that
06:15And were laughing at yourself and waiting to say it
06:17I was really quite pleased with myself
06:19To be honest, he's still laughing at potato wedge
06:22He's on a bit of a run at the moment
06:25When Faraz made these racist comments about Romanians on LBC
06:31He blamed the fact that he was tired
06:33And they're thinking, well, if tiredness is an excuse for racism
06:37The Metropolitan Police must be bloody knackered, mustn't they?
06:40The other way he said it was, he felt uncomfortable
06:45On train, you'd get on a train out of London
06:48And he would hear foreign languages being spoken
06:50And he'd kind of go, if you were on the train out of London
06:52And the ticket officer came on
06:54And suddenly he's out of going
06:55You would wake up and go, ah, ah, it was all a dream
07:01We didn't win the war
07:02Oh, no!
07:05Is that just an excuse to show off your variety of accents?
07:08I am not an accent, it's very, very good
07:10Maybe you'd like to hear my Spanish accent
07:12Oh, la, la, la
07:14It's very good
07:16The issue that I have is that, you know
07:19You keep sort of attracting votes from sort of the elderly
07:23You know, that these are sort of who are increasingly supporting them
07:26And the thing is, you get worried because you think
07:29Well, I've sort of had more racist experiences from elderly people
07:32And you can sort of understand how this comes about
07:34But I actually think that elderly people should just be allowed to be racist
07:37Because, like, they've got enough shit going on in their lives
07:40Like, without having to re-educate themselves
07:42Do you know what I mean?
07:43Like, I've pissed myself, I've got two false hips
07:45And now I can't say darky
07:46Like, it's...
07:48I'm quite happy to make him say
07:53I don't feel comfortable bumping into an elderly person
07:55Just give him the old wobble heads and I can feel it
07:56I don't mind that UKIP's on telly all the time
08:07Even though they've got no MPs in the House of Commons
08:09Because, Dara, you've got no MPs in the House of Commons
08:12And you're on telly all the time
08:13All right
08:15Well, I have an inclusive manifesto
08:18Moving on, which top Tories have angered David Cameron this week?
08:24His children
08:25No
08:25Probably have
08:27It's Michael Gove
08:28It is Michael Gove and...
08:30Theresa May
08:31Yes, and Theresa May
08:31Yeah
08:32Who, actually, yes
08:33It does look like
08:36Say, say sorry to your sister
08:38Say sorry to your sister
08:39You are not
08:40You are not getting any tea until you say sorry to your sister
08:43I think we should give him credit
08:46Because, you know, for him to get to that position
08:48And have a face that is that punchable
08:50I think it's an achievement
08:53Why, by the way, why
08:54What was the story with it?
08:55Why are they...
08:56Well, it's also an argument about
08:57Supposedly dangerous extremism in Birmingham schools
09:01Yes
09:01Surely everybody who's ever grown up in Birmingham
09:05Has thought about blowing up most of Birmingham
09:07At some point or another
09:09It's caused big problems in Birmingham, though, hasn't it?
09:12I mean, sort of community problems
09:13The radicalisation of schools on one side against the other
09:15There was this brilliant thing in The Guardian
09:16It said, erm...
09:18It said there was a wider...
09:19A community leader said
09:20There was a wider concern
09:21That there may be a witch hunt against Muslims
09:23He said
09:24And then in a phrase
09:25Which you may want to reconsider
09:26He said
09:27In which case
09:28All stakeholders will need to work together
09:31LAUGHTER
09:33APPLAUSE
09:34It's not nice, though, to have another culture
09:41Imposed on you at school
09:42I remember when I was rushed to hospital
09:44With 80% Chinese burns
09:46LAUGHTER
09:48I would have thought the key to
09:53You know, whether a school is being radicalised
09:55The clue really is in the nativity play, isn't it?
09:57When the three wise men come from the east
09:58They're found to be on false passports
09:59And they're arrested under the prevention of terrorism
10:01LAUGHTER
10:02I think, I think having, you know
10:05Religious extremism taught in schools
10:07It doesn't really do anyone any harm
10:09I mean, I had fairly extremist religious, you know
10:11Schooling when I was a child
10:12And I feel perfectly well integrated with you
10:15Hideous, proddy dogs
10:16LAUGHTER
10:17Don't you find you get on with this vermin properly well?
10:23Well, they're all going to hell and going to die
10:25So it's fine
10:26But, you know
10:27And we'll laugh at them from Catholic heaven
10:28LAUGHTER
10:29And what's suggested to be made
10:32For, um, often inspectors?
10:34How should they change the way they do this?
10:35Because of this?
10:36In the...
10:36They said that they were going to have dawn raids
10:38Yes
10:39Which I thought was probably unlikely to yield many results
10:42Given that schools don't open at dawn
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45Just breaking at dawn
10:46And just, like, a janitor just...
10:48LAUGHTER
10:49Who, who, who, who...
10:50We don't open for another two hours
10:53LAUGHTER
10:53He was rising a gondola, yes
10:56Is this doing the, uh, Birmingham...
10:58More, more canals than Venice
11:01More canals than Venice
11:02More canals than Venice
11:02This is how, this is how janitors get to work in Birmingham
11:06They ride the canals
11:07LAUGHTER
11:08At the end of that round, the points go to
11:11Robert, Catherine and Andy
11:12APPLAUSE
11:14Our next round is called Newsreel
11:20We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
11:22And ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said
11:25This week's clip features David Cameron
11:27And the England football squad
11:28Oh, good morning
11:30You must be, um...
11:31Roy Hodgson, that's right, yes
11:33But I'm the Prime Minister
11:34I'm not quite sure why I'm here
11:35My driver dropped me off this morning
11:36I was hoping you might be able to, uh, to elucidate for me
11:39Well, certainly
11:40We're, uh, we're heading off to the jungle
11:42Very, very soon
11:43And...
11:44I understand you're off to the jungle
11:46I love that programme
11:47You must be Ant
11:48And, uh, and, uh, you must be Deck
11:51I love the bush-tucket trials
11:52I've had to swallow a lot in my, uh, career
11:54Yes, uh, pride mainly
11:56At the European elections
11:57No, I think we've, uh, misunderstood Prime Minister
11:59It's football
12:00This is, uh, Daniel Sturridge, our centre-forward
12:02Lovely to meet you
12:03No idea who you are
12:05So, tell me
12:07What will the, uh, what will the crowds be like at the World Cup?
12:10Well, uh, Brazilians mainly
12:11How will you know?
12:12Will they not be wearing shorts?
12:16Uh, who did he say you were, mate?
12:18Uh, Ricky Lumbus
12:19No, doesn't ring any bells
12:21One, two, nine, twelve
12:23Twenty-six
12:24No, that doesn't work
12:26No
12:26Anyway, there there was
12:28Uh, I slipped
12:29And, uh, Timber Barre scored
12:31So that was it for the, the Premiership
12:33Yeah
12:34No, I saw that
12:35That was hilarious
12:36Yeah, well, at least we didn't come seventh
12:38Eight
12:39Two words
12:40Uh, so, Wayne
12:41Uh, what do you reckon
12:42To the, uh, group?
12:43What do you reckon to Costa Rica?
12:45Well, uh, uh, I like them
12:47But I normally go to Café Nero
12:48Uh, yeah
12:50This is what happens when they score
12:52You just drop to the halfway line
12:54You go this way
12:54To abuse a referee
12:55And then this way
12:56To tell all the linesmen to fuck off
12:57So, very good, James
13:00Very good
13:01But just tell me one thing
13:02Does my paunch look big in this?
13:04Anyway
13:05Anyway, here we go
13:07That's me, Ricky Lambert
13:09Pass the ball to Ricky
13:09Ricky, Ricky's ball
13:11Ricky, I'm Ricky Lambert
13:13Here, I'm the middle medic
13:14Ricky Lambert
13:15Pass the ball
13:15I'll show you what I can do
13:16Right?
13:16Oh, bollocks
13:17This game is all Romesh and Milton
13:27So, if you could make your way
13:28To the performance area, please
13:29This round is a stand-up challenge
13:31I launch the wheel of news
13:32And wherever it chooses to stop
13:33One of our performers
13:34Must step forward
13:34And talk about that subject
13:36The winner is whoever
13:37I think is the funniest
13:37Okay, here we go
13:38Let's spin the wheel
13:39Your first subject is
13:41Going out
13:42Who wants to come out?
13:43Romesh
13:43Um
13:47I don't like going out
13:48Um
13:49I don't like going out
13:51Because I don't look as good
13:53As I used to
13:54And I worry about it
13:55I've put on weight
13:56And I think
13:57Oh, I don't look
13:58I don't look alright
13:58And then I think
13:59Hold on a minute
13:59I'm married
14:00I don't need to look good
14:01I just need to look better
14:04Than the prospect of single parenting
14:05Um
14:06And I think I've got that
14:11In the tank
14:12You know what I mean
14:12Um
14:13I went out a while ago
14:15I went out a while ago
14:16And I was out with my friends
14:17We're all in our 30s
14:18We look like awful tribute acts
14:20Of us in our 20s
14:21And
14:21There's guys there
14:24They're in their 20s
14:25Looking ripped and amazing
14:26And I'm thinking
14:27Are they going to make us feel bad?
14:28Are they going to make us feel awkward?
14:29Are they going to make us feel like
14:30We're stepping on their turf?
14:32And the truth is
14:33They ignore us
14:33Of course they do
14:35Why would they care?
14:36See a pride of lions
14:37Hunting gazelle
14:38They're not going to give a shit
14:39When a three-legged hyena rocks up
14:41Are they?
14:46Comes to the end of the night
14:47This absolutely gorgeous girl
14:48Walks up to me
14:49Does not break eye contact
14:50For a second
14:51I said hello
14:51This is happening
14:52Can phone my wife
14:54Tell her I've still got it
14:55The girl walks up to me
14:57Says to me
14:58No word of a lie
14:59Taxi for Rachel
15:00Thank you very much Robert
15:07That leads us with Milton
15:13Let's see what topic
15:14You've been left with
15:14Let's spin the wheel
15:15The topic is romance
15:18I met my wife on the net
15:29We were both rubbish trapeze artists
15:31Terrible isn't it
15:37When someone doesn't want
15:38To live with you anymore
15:39Part of you is thinking
15:39I don't think you're going to
15:40Survive in the real world
15:42Another part of you is thinking
15:43Well at least I'll be rid
15:44Of your drunken arguing
15:45Ladies and gentlemen
15:47We need to let the
15:48Scottish people go
15:49Any Scottish people here?
15:57You can go
15:58A girl came up to me
16:07The other day
16:08So I go
16:09Foot loose
16:10Foot loose
16:11Then her foot fell off
16:12I tried to impress a girl
16:19Once by putting my foot
16:20Down on the pedal
16:20Turns out she'd seen
16:21A bin open like that before
16:23A girl came up to me once
16:33She said
16:33You know I can tell
16:34Someone's personality
16:35By what kind of car
16:36They drive
16:37I said I haven't got one
16:38So lads
16:45So lads
16:45Do you ever get given a job to do
16:47And you deliberately do it
16:48And you deliberately do it
16:48Really really badly
16:50So you never get given
16:51That job again
16:52I mean I hardly know CPR anyway
16:56My wife's giving me the silent treatment
17:02Lying there day after day
17:04Beginning to smell a bit now
17:06Okay
17:12Points about to be there
17:14Come on back
17:15All right
17:21The next round is called
17:22If this is the answer
17:23What is the question
17:24On the board are six categories
17:26Catherine
17:26Which category would you like
17:27Sport
17:28Okay
17:29Your category is sport
17:30And the answer is
17:3232 days
17:32What is the question
17:34Is it
17:35At what age
17:36Was Romash
17:37Able to achieve
17:38A full beard
17:38It's a celebration
17:44It's a celebration
17:44Of your culture
17:45Is it
17:47According to the people
17:48I recently bought a couch from
17:49How long is ten working days
17:52Is it due to BBC budget cuts
17:57How far into the future
17:58Is Doctor Who
17:59Going to be travelling
18:00In the next series
18:01How long was my friend Lee
18:05In hospital
18:06When we saw the sign
18:07For Burnley
18:07Is it
18:12How would Joey Essex
18:13Describe a fortnight
18:14The total amount of time
18:18That an average
18:19Big Brother contestant
18:20Has spent in full time education
18:21Is it
18:24How long does it take
18:25The elephant man
18:25To exfoliate
18:26Oh what
18:28Yeah
18:29Too soon
18:31Yeah
18:31According to his tax return
18:34How many days
18:35Did Gary Barlow
18:36Work last year
18:37Is it the number of days
18:41Before One Direction
18:42Can safely give a urine sample
18:43Can you think of a rhyme
18:48For songs of praise
18:50They're really getting pretty
18:56I think I've actually
18:56Genuinely lost my mind
18:58Okay can we move towards the correct answer for companies
19:02What length of menstrual cycle
19:04Would keep you permanently nervous
19:06Is it how long the world cup is going to last
19:15Yes it is very very good
19:17Thank you very much
19:18How are the Brazilians going to make sure fans are safe
19:26Not at all
19:27Not at all
19:27They keep themselves safe
19:29With giant Robocop costumes
19:31But I don't see how that helps the fans
19:33Well the idea is that because Brazil is driven by rights
19:36This is they're presenting their new crowd control outfits
19:39Which for some reason were presented in a Regency drawing room
19:42No no no no no no no no no no no no no no you have ten seconds to comply
19:47Ten seconds
19:48But Mr. Darcy with this new riot shield
19:53It's in fact the new janitor's uniform at Birmingham schools
19:57He won't be able to punt the school in that
20:00They've got policemen in these Robocop seats
20:03But you've please god they've told the policemen
20:06That they're not actually Robocop
20:07The idea is that there's face recognition software apparently
20:11That they'll be able to use
20:12Well like eyes
20:13Yeah
20:13I'm sorry are you saying the Brazilian policemen
20:17Don't know what a face looks like
20:19No specific faces
20:21Not just
20:22Not just arse
20:23Elbow
20:24Face
20:24Eh no
20:25But I would say this is a bad guy
20:28Bad guy
20:29I would love that
20:31If I was able to wear something
20:32That then were just like in my ear go
20:34That's Diane
20:35She's a friend of your girlfriend's sister
20:37That kind of thing you know
20:38It's like
20:38Yes
20:39I have to say
20:40It hasn't
20:41It doesn't feel like the country's got football fever
20:43Like you know
20:44There are tactics with the
20:46George's cross
20:47In the window
20:48There's a lot less of that
20:49Than there used to be
20:50The only piece of
20:51Really exciting memorabilia
20:53We found was
20:54I think it was insane
20:54Asda during the week
20:56This is great
20:56It's great for a number of reasons
20:58Not least the name of it
20:59Which we can show
20:59Is
21:00It's called
21:01Wearing flag
21:02I got me wearing flag
21:04Not wearable
21:05Not wearable
21:06Not to be worn
21:07Me wearing flag
21:08And then you actually get the flag out
21:10Like whatever
21:11And it may seem
21:11Slightly transgressive
21:12To anyone watching
21:13I would now drape myself
21:14In the English flag
21:15But trust me
21:16It is worth it
21:17Because it is
21:18It has been
21:19Slightly
21:19Slightly
21:21Controversial
21:22This one
21:22For reasons
21:23I can't quite figure
21:24Why this has been
21:25As controversial
21:26As it has been
21:27I can't see any
21:36Any kind of
21:37Negative connotations
21:39With this at all
21:40I tell you what
21:41That Gandalf's
21:42Let himself go
21:43Hasn't he
21:43Ramon
21:45If you were walking
21:46Down the street
21:46And a number of men
21:47Enthusiastic English supporters
21:49Happened to be walking
21:51Down the street
21:52Towards you
21:53They'd just been to Asda
21:54They'd been to the
21:55They'd also bought the
21:56Burnable lawn crosses
21:58It's bizarre
22:02Oh you'll find
22:05The Death Star
22:06Will be quite
22:07Operational
22:08When your friends arrive
22:09Sorry
22:12That's fantastic
22:16I think it's so difficult
22:19Is you
22:20You look like
22:23You look racist
22:23But you look so adorable
22:24What would help
22:30Is if you had a flake
22:31Sticking out
22:31So
22:31Okay
22:36At the end
22:37Now we come to scenes
22:46We'd like to see
22:46So if everyone can make
22:47Their way over to the
22:48Performance area
22:49I'll read out this week's
22:51Topics and then we'll see
22:51What our panels can come up with
22:53Okay here we go
22:55The first subject is
22:57Things you wouldn't hear
22:59During an election campaign
23:01I know we didn't follow through
23:03On all that bollocks
23:04We said before
23:05But this time we really mean it
23:07We in the Green Party
23:12Think we've had a cracking election
23:14Nobody's voted for us
23:15But they've put all the
23:17Election literature from us
23:18In the correct recycling bin
23:20We will get rid
23:27Of obesity
23:28By making the doors
23:29To chip shops
23:30Really narrow
23:30I visited a factory today
23:38And the man
23:40Let me ride on the forklift
23:41It was good
23:43We are not a racist party
23:52Though we are throwing
23:53A racist party tonight
23:54For Nigel's birthday
23:55Farage
23:59This is my bunk bed
24:01You keep on the top bunk
24:03For goodness sake Boris
24:09When we said press the flesh
24:11With the electorate
24:12We meant shake hands
24:14I'm probably going to vote
24:19Lib Dem
24:20I think the best way
24:27For me to explain
24:28Why you should vote Conservative
24:29Is with this rap
24:30Nick Clegg
24:36Has demanded a recount
24:38Here we go
24:38One
24:40Happy nap
24:40The public have spoken
24:47And they said
24:48That I'm a knob
24:48We will shorten
24:54The waiting list
24:55For eye operations
24:57By building hospitals
24:58On the far side
25:00Of busy roads
25:01We plan to replace
25:08The glass ceiling
25:09For women
25:09With something
25:10Much easier to clean
25:10Okay
25:15The next topic is
25:16Unlikely film trailers
25:18One man
25:23Fights his greatest peril
25:26Laryngitis
25:28Laryngitis
25:29Troy
25:36Certificate 15
25:38If you're too young
25:39Why don't you make a giant wooden adult
25:42Jennifer Aniston
25:51And Adam Sandler
25:53In
25:54Well the mads it's going to be shit anyway
25:56A UKIP film presentation
26:03101 damn Asians
26:05Tom Cruise
26:10In the most ludicrous
26:11Sci-fi thriller yet
26:13A Scientology documentary
26:14This summer
26:18Russell Crowe is
26:20Punching people
26:21Randomly
26:22In
26:23The face
26:24From the makers
26:30Of
26:30Cocka 1
26:31Oh
26:32Oh
26:32Cocka 2
26:37Do you want to build a snowman
26:43Do you want to have the words
26:44To let it go
26:45In your head
26:45All the time
26:46Until you die
26:47Then come see Frozen
26:49I dare you
26:51Thor
26:56You'll be amazed
26:57At how many problems
26:58Can be solved
26:59By a big man
27:00With a massive hammer
27:01I can't read
27:10Productions presents
27:11Salmon fishing
27:12In the semen
27:13Yemen
27:13Look
27:20An ancient African city
27:22From the makers
27:24Of Timbuk 1
27:25Russell Crowe stars as Bob Marley
27:37The accent's so offensive
27:39You won't even care
27:39That he blacked up
27:40No this isn't the day
27:48The earth stood still
27:49It's just that you're in Norfolk
27:51Tom Cruise
27:58Explosions
27:59A flash of boob
28:00That'll do you
28:01Despicable Me 3
28:07Now starring as the arch-villain grew
28:10Dara O'Brien
28:12It looks like a runner bean
28:21Only smaller
28:22From the makers of
28:24Mange 1
28:25I only told you
28:35To blow the bloody door off
28:37In cinemas now
28:39The Oscar Pistorius story
28:41At the end of that round
28:46The point's going to
28:47Ed, Hugh, and Milton
28:48And that's the end of the show
28:57This week's winners are
28:58Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis, and Milton Jones
29:00Congratulations to Andy Parsons
29:05Catherine Ryan
29:06And Ramos Anganathan
29:07Thank you for watching
29:09I'm Gary Breen
29:10Good night
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