- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
00:29I'm Dara Breen and joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
00:45We start with a round called, if this is the answer, what is the question? On the board are six categories. Holly, which category would you like?
00:51And we have home news. OK, home news it is. The answer is no. What...
00:58LAUGHTER
01:00What is that going to be about, Dara? I have no idea what story this could possibly refer to. What is the question, Holly?
01:06Is it UKIP's immigration policy?
01:10Is it, do Man United have a defence?
01:15Is it, how should you not answer the question, did you pack these bags yourself?
01:21Is it, what is the least uttered word in a porn film?
01:25LAUGHTER
01:30Is it, what did his friends call Nostradamus?
01:34LAUGHTER
01:38Is it, erm, what type of oil painting is John Prescott?
01:42LAUGHTER
01:44Is it the answer to the question, do you want to be in my gang, my gang, my gang?
01:49LAUGHTER
01:54Is it what the Scottish people said in the referendum?
01:57It is exactly that. Thank you very much, Andy, for our saying.
01:59APPLAUSE
02:04That's right, of course, the question I was looking for was,
02:06how did Scotland vote in last week's independence referendum?
02:09The vote, which had a remarkable turnout of nearly 85%,
02:12saw the No campaign win with 55.3% of the vote,
02:15compared to the Yes campaign's 44.7%.
02:18What do you think swung it in the end, then?
02:20I think it's probably that more people voted no than yes.
02:25LAUGHTER
02:26The level of analysis we're very proud of.
02:28LAUGHTER
02:29According to Alex Salmond, it was, you know,
02:31a lot of people over 55 in Scotland voted no.
02:35Er, in fact, both of them voted no.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:39The good thing about voting for an independent Scotland
02:42is once you put your X in a box, you can cut it out
02:44and use it as a little flag.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48I thought it was quite lucky for Alex Salmond, in some ways,
02:51that he didn't actually win.
02:52Cos I think if he had one, his grin might have been so big
02:55that he might have eaten himself.
02:57LAUGHTER
02:59It was also swung, supposedly, by...
03:01There was a... there was a poll, wasn't there?
03:02One poll.
03:03One poll.
03:04They put the yes ahead.
03:05And they think that was a rogue poll, didn't they?
03:07There was a YouGov poll that was 51-49.
03:09This one.
03:10There would be one guy in the YouGov office
03:12who's had an awkward meeting where they went,
03:14Yeah.
03:15Terry, every poll, even the results.
03:16Except your poll, Terry.
03:17Who did you ask?
03:18Who did you ask?
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20I love the phrase, rogue poll, cos it sounds like an unwanted erection.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25It actually sounds like a Daily Mail headline.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:30Yeah.
03:31Yeah, rogue polls.
03:32Rogue polls are everywhere.
03:33They're everywhere.
03:34They're everywhere in Scotland.
03:35They're everywhere in Scotland.
03:36Unbelievable.
03:37It's so embarrassing for David Cameron, just like,
03:39just after this poll came out, then suddenly he's like,
03:41we'll give you loads of powers, honestly, and we'll give you cakes
03:43and it's going to be amazing.
03:44Like, please stay.
03:45We're really going to look after you, I promise.
03:47It's going to be incredible.
03:48We're going to have a theme park and a rollercoaster
03:50and whatever you want.
03:51Like, please stay, please.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54And now they try to stay and he's going,
03:57Oh, yeah.
03:58Er...
03:59Oh, I said a lot of things, didn't I?
04:01Er...
04:02What I didn't understand about the Scottish election thing was,
04:06if the Scottish didn't want to be part of Great Britain,
04:08where were they going to live?
04:11LAUGHTER
04:17The big question which was asked on the night,
04:19and it was amazing how quickly this was asked,
04:20what was the major question people were asking then on the night?
04:22It wasn't yes or no.
04:23No, very quickly it began,
04:25what does this mean for England?
04:26Like, within ten minutes, Scotland was like,
04:29oh, hang on, we're still here, you know.
04:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:32Let's go back down to London and ask people what it means for England.
04:35Well, this one, I think it'll mean for England.
04:36Well, what do you think of it?
04:37I think it'll mean this for England.
04:38And Scotland only goes,
04:39Ah-ha-ha-ha!
04:40Er...
04:41We've not even given you the results yet!
04:43Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know what it is.
04:44The Welsh have been complaining, haven't they?
04:46And it's fair enough, it was always going to be, you know,
04:48the Scots got a parliament,
04:50and the Welsh got an assembly, you know?
04:52So the Scottish had a proper parliament,
04:54and the Welsh, they just had a quick headcount,
04:56followed by singing Morning Is Broken.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59The Welsh are getting stroppy, actually.
05:02I was in Cardiff in Waterstones recently,
05:04and asked for Pride and Prejudice,
05:06and the bloke said,
05:07I'm proud to be Welsh and I hate the English.
05:09LAUGHTER
05:11But it will never stop,
05:12so you get down to smaller and smaller areas, won't you?
05:15Wanting power.
05:16There'll be referenda in smaller and smaller areas,
05:18and then you don't know how to say...
05:19It's the question in the referendum,
05:21it gets to be saying the North-East it would have...
05:22You couldn't have yes, no,
05:23it would have to be aye and no.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26In Essex it would be alright and bollocks to that.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:30In Tensington and Chelsea it would be, er, no,
05:33and OMG, totes defo yar.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:37APPLAUSE
05:39In other news, what has Prince Charles said
05:44is the largest challenge facing the world today?
05:46Is it narrow doorways and you get your ears caught?
05:49LAUGHTER
05:50It's, er, it's climate change.
05:54Yes, it's climate change rather than the narrow doorways.
05:56Yeah, it's not the ears thing.
05:57Or, or...
05:58I thought it was ice buckets.
06:00It's not ice buckets, no,
06:01our ice bucket's the reason for climate change.
06:03No, but they are one of the biggest challenges in, er...
06:05They are.
06:06They are.
06:07Everyone has to do it at some stage.
06:09Yeah.
06:10Charles is worried, apparently,
06:11because it, in...
06:12We've only got another 30 years
06:13until climate change might be irreversible.
06:15And he's, he's therefore worried
06:17that it might ruin his coronation.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:20This is Charles yesterday on the Royal Yash,
06:23which is not, er...
06:25quite as impressive as it used to be.
06:27Yeah.
06:28Is this the summit in New York?
06:29Yes, he's at the summit in New York.
06:30China and India have not turned up to the summit
06:32and they're, like, the worst ones for climate change,
06:34which is ridiculous.
06:35It's, like, Oscar Bistorius not going to an Oscar Bistorius trial,
06:38isn't it?
06:39And he's got the biggest carbon footprint going.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:43APPLAUSE
06:47That's the thing,
06:48I like a bit of climate change, innit?
06:50I was in the garden yesterday, it's September.
06:52It's lovely.
06:53It's October soon, sitting in the garden still.
06:56No?
06:57Do you not have gardens?
06:58That is, that's weather.
07:01That's not climate.
07:02Yeah, where does the weather come from?
07:04The climate.
07:05What I'm saying is, if it goes up a bit, you know,
07:07it's not that hot in Lewisham,
07:08it's nice to have a couple of extra degrees.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11I'm glad you're having a nice day in the garden.
07:14I'm sure there's a polar bear somewhere going,
07:15all right, this seems to be getting smaller,
07:17but at least, at least Lewisham is having a nice day.
07:19Yeah, yeah.
07:20Yeah, yeah.
07:21So, yeah, we've had a rough few years.
07:23And I'm not going to bump into him, anyway, am I?
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26I would love to, ding-dong,
07:28and you open your door and there's a polar bear,
07:29and they're going...
07:31Well, to be fair, luckily...
07:33Holding a tiny piece of ice under his arm.
07:35Because of the...
07:37To be fair...
07:38My height!
07:39Argh!
07:40Because of the...
07:41Because of the narrow doorways,
07:42you won't even be able to get in anyway.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:46The United Nations, they're encouraging people to go vegetarian, aren't they?
07:53Yes.
07:54Because apparently one of the big problems with climate change
07:56is all these cows farting.
07:58So...
07:59Yeah, either we've got to eat less meat,
08:01or we need to give the cows a bit of Pepty Bismol.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04I don't understand that,
08:05because, like, if the cows farting is causing the problem,
08:07then surely eating them is the solution.
08:09I mean, I...
08:10LAUGHTER
08:12LAUGHTER
08:15Do you think we're eating cows as a way of saving, you know,
08:22we should quickly eat all the cows before they fart us into a climate change?
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28I mean, I'm speaking as a vegan, by the way, but...
08:32LAUGHTER
08:33There is a...
08:34There is a...
08:35There is a logical disconnect here, because, like, you know,
08:37you say that, you know,
08:38you don't want to...
08:39don't want to have all these animals that are farting over,
08:40but there is this point we have to go...
08:41We have to just...
08:42What do we do?
08:43Just release them into the public?
08:44And the unlike is that the rest of us who aren't vegans
08:47suddenly go, do you know what?
08:48No.
08:49I'm not going to go ahead.
08:50No more meat.
08:51We all go, no more beef.
08:52Then we know the cattle farmers going,
08:53what am I supposed to do with this lot then?
08:54LAUGHTER
08:55And you go, well, you just let them go.
08:56No.
08:57Let them go back into the wild where they belong.
08:58Feed them to the polar bears!
09:00First!
09:01Cheer up!
09:02How is Paul McCartney trying to help cut emissions?
09:05He's doing a creepy rap.
09:07We can show the creepy rap.
09:08Yeah.
09:09But I must warn you,
09:10once you've seen the creepy rap,
09:12you can't un-see.
09:14The creepy rap is one of those things, actually.
09:16Yeah.
09:17He's a thing for Meat Free Monday that he wants to do,
09:18so he did a recorded video
09:19and slipped into some unusual character towards the end.
09:22This is Paul McCartney's Meat Free Monday rap.
09:25Please, just log in,
09:27pledge.meatfreemondays,
09:29all one word, dot com.
09:32pledge.meatfreemondays.com
09:35pledge.meatfreemondays.com
09:38pledge.meatfreemondays.com
09:41You can do it right now, please.
09:48Do you know what?
09:49I mean, I don't mind the rapping,
09:50but the impression of my dad at the end,
09:52which is...
09:55I'm not sure about Meat Free Monday, you know,
09:57like, because when...
09:59I mean, again, speaking as a vegan,
10:01but my problem with it is...
10:03Oh, God.
10:04Get on board, all right?
10:07Jesus.
10:08You guys disgust me.
10:10Yes.
10:11You're cheese and meat-eating pricks.
10:15Anyway, please, every part of the show,
10:17preface every topic we deal with.
10:19Yeah.
10:20As a vegan.
10:21No, but...
10:22My point is, darling, if I may...
10:23How did you do it for pizza?
10:24How did you do it for pizza?
10:25Mate, I'll tell you what,
10:26pizza, nightmare, right?
10:27Of course, you've missed the main ingredient.
10:28When I first met V, I love pizza,
10:30ordered a pizza, right, with no cheese,
10:32right, no cheese.
10:33Yeah.
10:34What I didn't realise is,
10:35not only does cheese add flavour,
10:36it also has an adhesive quality.
10:37What I got was a box of bread with some vegetables
10:40in the corner of the box.
10:41So...
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43LAUGHTER
10:44APPLAUSE
10:45OK, at the end of that round,
10:50the points go to Ramesh Hallie and Andy.
10:53APPLAUSE
10:58Now we play a round called
10:59English Jokes for English People.
11:01This game...
11:02LAUGHTER
11:03..involves Ramesh and Milton,
11:05so if you could make your way
11:06to the performance area, please.
11:07This round is a stand-up challenge,
11:08I launch the Wheel of News
11:09and whoever chooses to stop,
11:11one of our performers will step forward
11:12and talk about that subject.
11:13OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.
11:15APPLAUSE
11:18The first subject is education.
11:19Who wants to go on that?
11:20Ramesh.
11:24Well, as a vegan...
11:26LAUGHTER
11:30I had to...
11:31I wanted to supplement my son's education,
11:32so I'm helping him to learn to read.
11:35That's one of the things that I'm doing
11:36and helping your child to read
11:38is one of the most magical and rewarding things
11:41that you can do as a parent,
11:42on day one.
11:44LAUGHTER
11:46After that, it's one of the most frustrating,
11:48annoying,
11:49I'd rather punch myself in the face repeatedly
11:51than ever do this again activity
11:53that you can ever do.
11:54And let me tell you why.
11:55They do not care about making sense.
11:58LAUGHTER
12:00Right?
12:01They'll just read all the easy words,
12:02when they get to one they don't know,
12:04instead of trying,
12:05they'll just look at the picture
12:07and just throw something random into the sentence
12:09without any regard for what effect that has
12:12on what they're saying.
12:14And I'm supposed to not get angry.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17I'm supposed to not get angry when my son goes,
12:19Jack...
12:21went...
12:22strawberry?
12:23LAUGHTER
12:25How could that be what it said?
12:27How could it be, Jack went strawberry?
12:29What are you talking about?
12:30What would that even look like?
12:32How could that be what it said?
12:34Tell me.
12:35I tell you what, you think that's what it said,
12:36you go strawberry now.
12:37Go on.
12:38LAUGHTER
12:39Right, go strawberry.
12:40That's what you think it said.
12:41APPLAUSE
12:42Stop crying, go strawberry.
12:44Go, go strawberry.
12:45Why didn't you do it?
12:47Go kiwi then, I don't give a shit.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:50You're not doing it are you?
12:51I tell you why not,
12:52cos it doesn't make any bloody sense!
12:53LAUGHTER
12:54Well, I think I'm overreacting.
12:56LAUGHTER
12:57Thank you very much, John.
12:59APPLAUSE
13:00OK, that leaves us with Milton.
13:04So, let's see what you've been up with Milton.
13:06Let's spin the wheel.
13:08And the topic is family.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11LAUGHTER
13:23My uncle, he was a cruel man.
13:25He knew we lived in a bungalow.
13:27Yet, every year for Christmas,
13:28we always got a slinky.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:33It's a miracle my sister's getting married.
13:36I went to the printers to get the invites,
13:37and he said,
13:38well, what typeface?
13:39I went...
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41She seems to like him.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:47My grandfather,
13:49during the war,
13:50he broke the Enigma code machine.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:53Then he went AWOL.
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59Well, it's not quite true.
14:00Then he became an owl.
14:01LAUGHTER
14:04My grandmother,
14:05she's been talking about downsizing,
14:07and now,
14:08she's in a little urn.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:17My other grandmother,
14:18she was a children's writer.
14:20You may have seen her book,
14:21Jack Goes Strawberry.
14:23LAUGHTER
14:24I haven't always been popular with my family,
14:32as a vegan.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:40That doesn't normally work.
14:42LAUGHTER
14:44Recently, my family all clubbed together
14:46and got me a voucher for a clinic in Switzerland.
14:49LAUGHTER
14:50LAUGHTER
14:52APPLAUSE
14:53Hey, well done.
14:54Points out for David Jones.
14:55Come on back in.
14:56APPLAUSE
15:01Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
15:03I show the panel a topical image
15:05and ask them to tell me what's happening.
15:07So, what is going on here?
15:09LAUGHTER
15:10Is it an advert for Match.com?
15:12LAUGHTER
15:13Literally anybody can find love.
15:16LAUGHTER
15:18He's saying,
15:19every time I look in the mirror,
15:20I see a woman.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:24He's saying,
15:25apart from the door frame and this coffee mug,
15:26is there superglue anywhere else?
15:28LAUGHTER
15:34The caption probably says,
15:35he wears blue twill non-iron with button-down collar.
15:39LAUGHTER
15:40She wears a look of exasperation.
15:43LAUGHTER
15:44Oh, yes.
15:45That is his wife, Justine Thornton, actually.
15:46It's his wife saying,
15:47er,
15:48er,
15:49if I get rid of the spider,
15:50will you go back in?
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52Hey, hey, hey,
15:53don't joke.
15:54Don't joke.
15:55It's spider season, all right?
15:56There's some massive spiders knocking about.
15:58Do you know why there's so many spiders now?
15:59Do you know why there's so many spiders?
16:00Why there's so many spiders?
16:01Because it's hot.
16:02Because of climate change.
16:03Oh, no!
16:04Oh, no!
16:05Oh, no!
16:06Yeah.
16:07Oh, swings and round about swings, isn't it?
16:09Yeah, isn't it?
16:10Like a Sydney garden.
16:11But look at it.
16:12Dumb, dumb, this huge spider coming down the garden.
16:14All eight legs.
16:15Ah!
16:16Ah!
16:17Ah!
16:18Is he saying,
16:19in one hand I have a mug,
16:20in the other hand I'm using to do a little reshuffle?
16:23LAUGHTER
16:25Tragically, he's probably saying,
16:26well, I put seven o'clock on the invite,
16:28it's nearly midnight.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30LAUGHTER
16:31LAUGHTER
16:32LAUGHTER
16:34APPLAUSE
16:36LAUGHTER
16:38APPLAUSE
16:40All right.
16:41Somebody tell me what it actually is.
16:43Is it...
16:44Is it...
16:45So it's doing a Labour Party conference?
16:46Yeah, that's good enough.
16:47It is.
16:48Er...
16:49Of course it is.
16:50You're absolutely right.
16:51Thank you very much.
16:52Well done.
16:53APPLAUSE
16:55Yes, of course.
16:57It's a picture of Ed Miliband and his wife Justine Thornton
17:00who were in Manchester this week for the Labour Party conference,
17:03giving his big speech on Tuesday afternoon.
17:05How is he doing?
17:06His current personal approval ratings are minus 46.
17:11LAUGHTER
17:12The only place they're lower is within his own family.
17:15LAUGHTER
17:17Minus 46 sounds like a temperature in North Pole,
17:19which apparently is not cold enough.
17:20LAUGHTER
17:22Yeah, but you're mistaken, because that's not climate change, mate,
17:24that's just the weather.
17:25Yeah, yeah, exactly.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:27Erm, it's...
17:28The thing about Miliband, it's not really what he's...
17:30It's just how he says it.
17:31And it's just, he's just...
17:32Guys, guys...
17:33It sounds like he's just a sneeze away from talking properly.
17:37LAUGHTER
17:39It's like, guys...
17:40Guys!
17:41Look, cos you think maybe, if he has that sneeze,
17:44he might be a really passionate, like, speaker and be like,
17:47Guys!
17:48Guys!
17:49Shh!
17:50I swear down you, we're going to cut the deficit,
17:51get our country back!
17:52Come on, I'm coming for you, bruh!
17:54I'm full labour!
17:55APPLAUSE
17:59The problem is, don't...
18:00His speeches are boring, aren't they?
18:02Let's be honest, political speeches are boring.
18:04Liven it up, stick them on a trampoline.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07Cos I would watch it.
18:08The trampoline pan would only work if the camera was at, like,
18:11a height where he had to jump to get into shot.
18:13Yes!
18:14That is a political speech.
18:15You're supposed to go,
18:16I suggest...
18:17Please back up!
18:18That's...
18:19It's a government tablet, too!
18:20You're suggesting Cirque du Soleil take over, or...
18:23Hold on!
18:24Hold on, I'm saying, it's more people watch that than the speech.
18:26All sorts of things would be more interesting on the trampoline.
18:29Sex would be better on the trampoline.
18:30What, with Ed Miliband?
18:31No, not with Ed Miliband.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:38He's basically made it fun for the Tories,
18:40cos they could say anything they want.
18:41He's unelectable.
18:42So you can do whatever the hell you want.
18:43Do you know what I mean?
18:44Like, we're going to kill everyone.
18:45Yeah, but I'd rather that than vote Ed Miliband.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:48So what changes does Ed Miliband propose to bring in about voting?
18:50Is it that, er, 16-year-olds can vote?
18:52Yes, absolutely, 16-year-olds.
18:53And 17-year-olds.
18:54Cos that would be really weird,
18:55if you just let 16-year-olds do.
18:56You don't worry, what, you're 17?
18:57No, you can't.
18:58Cos you've gone hormonal again.
18:59Oh, you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down.
19:01We don't know.
19:02You're going to have a gap year.
19:03Yeah, but that's a great one.
19:04Listen, all young people are going to have a gap year
19:05of about 40 years before they vote again anyway.
19:07Yeah.
19:08What do Labour want public sector employees to have to declare?
19:10Their class.
19:11Their class, yes.
19:12Or their class.
19:13Which is it?
19:14Oh, no.
19:15I'll give myself away, haven't I?
19:16The clue.
19:17Your clue.
19:18The clue.
19:19There's two ways I definitely can find out
19:21if someone's working class in public sector's jobs.
19:23One,
19:24the clue.
19:25The clue.
19:26The clue.
19:27The clue.
19:28There's two ways I definitely can find out
19:29if someone's working class in public sector's jobs.
19:31One,
19:32put bingo pens in the stationing office.
19:34If they go,
19:35you know they're in.
19:36The other one is put on a coat strip.
19:38Because my aunties,
19:39they'll go to Syria
19:40if there's a rest stop and a tour guide.
19:42Love a coat strip.
19:44Anyway.
19:45Middle class people don't want to self-identify as middle class.
19:48The middle class want to be,
19:50you know,
19:51because it's more authentic.
19:52You know,
19:53middle class is such a bland state of affairs.
19:55It's not bland.
19:56What is it?
19:57Have you tasted some of their food?
19:59What kind of flavour's going on in there?
20:02Isn't it?
20:03It's not bland being middle class.
20:05Have you mistaken middle class for Indian?
20:11The nan's incredible.
20:13What do you call them?
20:15Nan's.
20:20Hey, hey,
20:21you ate,
20:22we was in Birmingham the other week doing a gig,
20:23and you had cream on top of your goulash.
20:25No, listen.
20:26Hey.
20:27Ooh.
20:28Hang on.
20:29Why are you eating goulash?
20:30Goulash is...
20:31Yeah, yeah.
20:32It's nice in goulash.
20:33I'm not that much of an idiot.
20:34It was nice.
20:35It was a vegetable goulash, wouldn't it?
20:36I could have a beef goulash,
20:37but hold the beef.
20:41Rob and I had an argument,
20:43a discussion about the fact that I thought it would...
20:45I thought it had combined so much with the goulash
20:48that it rendered the situation untenable,
20:50but Rob said,
20:51you've got to scoop that out, mate.
20:52I don't know what's wrong with you.
20:53He's got to scoop that out.
20:54He's not vegan.
20:55He's eating cream over here.
20:57I can't believe it.
20:59I haven't even heard of it in Lewisham.
21:02Oh, we're such great mates.
21:06It's a natural boundary,
21:07which is why we put five people in between the two of you.
21:13OK, at the end of that round,
21:15and a third for the round of Charlie and Andy.
21:21Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
21:23so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
21:25I'll read out this week's topics,
21:26then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
21:29OK, here we go.
21:31The first subject is...
21:34Unlikely things to hear on a news programme.
21:38As I report from my sixth day here in war-torn Syria,
21:41I think the lesson learned is
21:42that I should never have called my producer a wanker.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:49According to statistics,
21:50the French economy is now the weakest growing
21:52of all the economies in Europe.
22:00Sport Now, all Manchester United fans,
22:02please look away.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06You've reached Al Jazeera News,
22:10which means you're only 20 channels away
22:12from actually finding porn.
22:14LAUGHTER
22:18Here, you'll never guess who's dead.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:23Just time now to see what the papers say.
22:33LAUGHTER
22:35We will now attempt to talk to the survivors of the Clifffall.
22:38You all right, mate?
22:40LAUGHTER
22:41LAUGHTER
22:42LAUGHTER
22:44LAUGHTER
22:48LAUGHTER
22:50After the fire in the aromatherapy candle factory,
22:54the situation is now calm.
22:57LAUGHTER
22:59LAUGHTER
23:00LAUGHTER
23:01And now over to our foreign correspondent.
23:05Do you speak...
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08... evenly?
23:09LAUGHTER
23:14Now it's time for the news near you.
23:16Hello!
23:17LAUGHTER
23:23APPLAUSE
23:25There are human remains on the blood-stained streets
23:27and the despair in the eyes of everyone you meet.
23:29Rob Beckett for BBC News.
23:31Magaluf.
23:33LAUGHTER
23:38There continues to be heavy shelling here.
23:40Romesh Ranganathan at the peanut factory.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:43APPLAUSE
23:50Now it's over to our toys and games correspondent,
23:53Natasha Kaplunk-ski.
23:55LAUGHTER
24:01And eventually the sun will go supernova,
24:03the earth will become dark and frozen,
24:06and everyone will die.
24:09That was the long-range weather forecast.
24:11LAUGHTER
24:17To my right, in my peripheral vision,
24:19Andy Parsons is showing us his penis.
24:21More on that as it unfolds.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:31We go over now to our vegan correspondent.
24:35LAUGHTER
24:36I'm terribly sorry.
24:37Your pastry have gone strawberry.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40And David Cameron has delivered on all his promises to the Scottish people.
24:50LAUGHTER
24:55Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's papers,
24:57so the Times and the Telegraph lead with industrial strife,
25:00and in the sun we can see that Caroline from Dagenham
25:02has got a terrific pair of norks.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07OK, the next topic is...
25:10Things you wouldn't hear on a medical show.
25:14I'm sorry, I know nothing about the inner workings of the human body.
25:17Honestly, hand on my heart, it's...
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21I'm Dr Christian, and remember, however embarrassing your condition is,
25:28you'll never look as weird as I do.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:35Health officials have shut down the village fete.
25:37Apparently there was an outbreak of tombola.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:42LAUGHTER
25:44I think we've got the balance about right here.
25:46The hospital is clean, but the nurses...
25:49are filthy.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:53LAUGHTER
25:54We'll be starting the procedure by numbing your breasts.
25:59Numb-numb-numb-numb-numb-numb!
26:01LAUGHTER
26:11Well, that really is an enormous growth, Mr Thomas.
26:14I think it might be better to leave it.
26:16And remove you.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:19Um, please let me assure you, it's perfectly normal and the swelling will go down.
26:29It's just that I find you really attractive.
26:35And if you've been affected by any of the issues on embarrassing bodies tonight,
26:38think how I feel. I had to touch it!
26:45So, if you'd like to bend over, I'm just going to check your prostate.
26:49Maybe slightly uncomfortable.
26:51I'm going in now.
26:54Look! No hands!
27:02Now, our next guest, believe it or not, is both a poo and a lice inspector.
27:07Sorry, police inspector.
27:13Of course I know what I'm doing. Give me the defribulator. I'm going to defrib something.
27:19LAUGHTER
27:19Yes, I'm afraid it's the big C.
27:25Yep. Jeremy Hunt is paying the hospital a visit.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29APPLAUSE
27:30This week on Embarrassing Bodies...
27:36FIFA.
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38I'm afraid there's been a problem with your X-ray. He's put a sex tape of you up on the internet.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52This is where obese people need to step up to the plate, step away from the plate.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:00LAUGHTER
28:01So, I'm off to give blood, or as I like to call it, self-harm for a biscuit.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:09People say, give blood, give blood, but it really freaked the kids out on Christmas morning.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16Welcome to another episode of Bush Doctors, or as I call them, gynaecologists.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:25APPLAUSE
28:27In just one week on a lad's holiday, Kevin got an SCD, had his stomach pumped, and lost a finger.
28:34Legend!
28:35LAUGHTER
28:36LAUGHTER
28:37OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Romesh, Holly and Andy.
28:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:43And that's the end of the show. This week's winners are Rob Beckham, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
28:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:56Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Robert Dranganathan.
29:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:04Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O'Brien. Good night.
29:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:11...
29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:14LAUGHTER
29:16LAUGHTER
29:16AND APPLAUSE
29:18Absolutely fuckin'
29:20APPLAUSE
Be the first to comment