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00:00MUSIC PLAYS
00:02Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:06Read all about him
00:10Read all about him
00:13News of the world, News of the world
00:15Read all about him
00:19Read all about him
00:21News of the world, News of the world
00:24Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
00:29I'm Dara O'Breen.
00:30Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Catherine Ryan and Josh Whittakin,
00:35Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
00:45We start with a round called, if this is the answer,
00:47what is the question?
00:49On the board are six categories.
00:51Catherine, which category would you like?
00:53Politics.
00:54OK, politics is the category.
00:56The answer is 307 years.
00:58What is the question?
00:59Is it, uh, how long does an episode of Tumble feel like?
01:05Is it how long before it's safe to play a wobble board again?
01:10In many ways, the wobble board industry was the real victim of what I think.
01:15Is it how much older than her face do Madonna's hands look?
01:19Is it what's the age of Alexander Armstrong plus Testelli plus Claudie Winkleman times Blue Ivy minus Rachel Riley plus me plus the Queen?
01:29No, you're off for a couple of years.
01:31Is it how long before climate change will change Scotland into a viable holiday destination?
01:42No, you're off for a couple of years.
01:43It's not the same.
01:43No, you're off for a long time.
01:44No, you're off for a long time.
01:44You're off for a long time.
01:45No, you're off for a long time.
01:46if loving you was illegal how long would they have to sentence me for really creepy
01:59is it what is the combined age of 307 One Direction fans
02:06without the plastic surgery how old did Joan Rivers look
02:12tragedy plus time no no plus time with Joan Rivers how long her body will take to
02:22decompose it's what she was at Joan peace out okay when will the Jeremy Carl show run out of scum
02:42yeah that's it distance myself from that sentiment okay does anyone give the answer 27 years how long
02:50has Scotland been a part of Great Britain that's absolutely right yes yes the question I was
03:00looking for was how long has it been since the Union between England and Scotland came into being ahead
03:05of next week's referendum Scotland a YouGov poll suggested support for independence is in the
03:10lead for the first time although other surveys indicate the no campaign is still just ahead
03:14it's very highly charged issue and lots of people very strongly about it so it's important that we're
03:18not seen here to be taking sides we remain impartial also helps but there are literally no Scottish
03:23people appearing on the show this way that is not a coincidence no Scottish people publicly want to
03:29give this opinion no I'm not available that week is it just me or every time you hear you go off you
03:36want to go yes squire I know the Scottish people don't like it when people who aren't Scottish discuss
03:43it though because it's very there is a sort of well it's nothing to do with you but it does affect
03:46all of us you know whether Scotland if Scotland go independent that'll affect everybody particularly
03:51you know every country on the planet will now have to buy an embassy in Scotland and you know Greece
03:57can't afford a house in it Ireland Greece and Portugal we'll have to get together and like
04:08share a flat and fall you know if Scotland go independent the chance of a united Ireland is
04:21that much greater good chance that Wales will then leave Yorkshire will leave Cornwall will leave
04:27it'll be the more united queendom of lesser Britain and no Ireland that is what it will be I think we
04:35should just do a thing where wait a kind of one out one in policy so when they go we'll like get Mexico
04:41and then if England want to go in the end we can have a whole new line-up like you know the sugar babes
04:47it could be Mexico Syria and much of weather the United Kingdom Mexico is edging its way in I've
05:05noticed a lot more burrito availability yeah the green is very much the beachhead of the Mexico of the
05:12going part of the United Kingdom was it the it's unusual some of the effects of it if if it's a bit
05:18yes vote and the average rainfall in Britain will go down yeah yeah the average life expectancy in
05:29Britain will go up and the Wimbledon clock will have to be reset at 78 years and also saying things
05:38like you'll have had your tea then will now be racist because I went to begin with anyway we
05:45do think which is like into regional joshing where now it's across international borders that's an act
05:50of war the rhetoric of the no campaign has been very negative yes yes for a no campaign yeah in a way
06:00like if you think of it as being a breakup you know rather than being like it's again uh you know I don't
06:05think this is working out and I want to leave you rather than responding with like but come on we're
06:09such a great team the great times we've had together rather be like that the results have been like
06:13you're gonna leave you'd be nothing without me personally I'm just impressed at the speed at which the no campaign managed to get Kate pregnant
06:29quite incredible isn't part of the problem though is that you know the Scots the English Welsh and Irish they've all got very strong identities whereas when anybody thinks of a British identity they tend to think of a sort of watered down English stereotype more of a sort of Hugh Grant sort of figure whereas of course that's not the accurate English stereotype is it much more accurate fat tracksuit and chips getting sucked off in Magaluf
06:59Irish Welsh Welsh or Irish that is the vision that we should be showing people you're right the answer is staring you straight in the face and it is fried chicken and I know this because I was about 10 years old during the French Canadian referendum in Canada and uh and they're really upset you know they felt their French culture wasn't being respected in Canada now French Canadians don't realize they're not considered French anywhere else in the world
07:29in France but in Quebec but in Quebec they wanted it PFK poulet frites Kentucky and they banged on about that for ages and as far as I remember I was 10 years old we gave it to them and they were relaxed
07:41wow that's great so it was huge to just driving vans up to uh up to Scotland and just going hey
07:50you can change the name so it'll be muck kfc and muck mcdonald's just yeah we just call it kill monarch fried chicken
08:04is anyone else worried about the future of the great british bake-off
08:09surprising that it hasn't been more of an issue to be honest yeah they're going to rename it three weeks left what if they go that invalidates the result of this series
08:20bread week next week what the game is just before bread week these people are animals
08:27yeah I think Britain carries on though doesn't it well does Britain yeah the United Kingdom just becomes a slightly different thing but Britain still exists doesn't it
08:36great Britain goes yeah it does great Britain goes but Britain remains could we scale it down and just become good Britain
08:41instead of UK okay yeah because you still got Wales poor Wales we won't be the United Kingdom anymore Wales is I'm literally right here
08:57no campaign have tried to rebrand the union to make it more sexy don't they so what they've tried to learn from the fact that Brad and Angelina became known as
09:07Brangelina they've tried to take England and Scotland and put them together and call them England
09:12but this is it is independence I'm sorry I haven't really got involved at all right as an Irish person you kind of feel no no no this is for you to to worry about like whatever because the issues in Ireland when we were looking for independence
09:26fruit were very distinctly different and it was like at no point during Michael Collins negotiations of the treaty in 1919
09:34would it have changed if somebody would lead in and go but what currency will we use oh you're right sorry
09:39yeah we hadn't thought this through actually yeah sorry but equally it is kind of weird because you're going there not a shot fired this is
09:47independence without I'd like anyone being killed you know look at any country who's gained independence whatever
09:52this is the most peaceful we would have loved if it dependence was going yeah I got work and then I'm gonna
09:59coffee then I'm gonna get independence then I'm going to do Pilates
10:04their secret weapon is they've offered to reduce five a day to three a day
10:09the English are worried about losing the oil but I was thinking why don't we just you know boost up the
10:18fracking on the Scottish border right to make make you know good our energy needs and then if it all goes
10:25tits up we'll have a physical divide as well as a constitutional divide you're essentially you want
10:32to blow a hole between we could then like all sit on the side and push it off with our legs how deep is the
10:42hole that you're hoping to that you would put and it was really honest with you I haven't thought
10:46through all the implications I would say that the whatever about the politics the geology of your
10:52suggestion is also relatively weak and then we'll drag Mexico into place at the end of that round the
11:07points go to Ed here and Gary
11:14now we've had a round called jock the week this game
11:20involved Josh and Gary see if you could make your way to the performance area please this round is a stand-up challenge
11:26I launched a wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop one of our performers must step forward and talk about the subject
11:31okay here we go let's spin the wheel the first subject is weather who wants to spin that Josh
11:38my parents live in Devon where they had these storms earlier this year I got I am very strange text off
11:47my mum just before the storms she said Josh just so you know the storms are on their way so I've put the
11:52wheelie bin in the shed not sure what men to do with this information I wasn't gonna thank God for
12:02that I've been worrying that's not what you do before a storm go should we get the kids inside no no no
12:07get the wheelie bin in the shed mate take another month to order one of them from the council watching
12:13the news going terrible storms hit Britain 14 wheelie bins are missing I couldn't care less I live 250
12:20miles away how strong are these storms that I need to watch out for the bin the people I feel
12:26sorry for during the storms are the on-the-spot reporters they are people that know their bosses do
12:30not value them at all they are people who've got to work and the boss has gone have you heard there's
12:35a terrible storm on the way do you think I should go home better than that mate I'm sending you down
12:42to the edge of the sea well you're going to interview a man whose umbrella is inside out
12:48people I don't like the people that complain during the storms people complain their flights were
12:53cancelled I wouldn't complain if my flight was cancelled during the storms I'd complain if I
12:57got to the airport and my flight was the only one that wasn't cancelled if you got to the airport
13:02they went easy jet flight E4597 is going to have a go for it okay that leaves us with Gary let's see
13:17what you've been left with spin the wheel and subject is transport we go go I had a nightmare on the
13:28journey over here and luckily that woke me up just before I ran over a small child the other day I
13:40lost control at a roundabout and then it went absolutely bonkers on the swings I stopped in a
13:47lay-by there was a sign saying no dumping now sir I was just having a wee I joined a breakdown
13:55service for Scousers it's called the AA calm down calm down they can't fix your car now well they'll
14:01nick you a new one the Paralympics taught us all that sometimes we should stop and put ourself in
14:09the place of people with disabilities and I have to say those parking spaces are brilliant in the car
14:19on the way over here I kept hearing this annoying whiny noise so I pulled over my girlfriend got out to have
14:24look at the engine and I drove off the other night I saw a couple weaving all over the street I said
14:33honestly get a loom
14:34I accidentally filled the escort with diesel she died
14:46okay points for both of you there come on back come on back
14:55okay our next round is called picture of the week I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me
15:09what's happening so what's going on here Cameron's saying to the Welsh people he's going look look at the
15:15kind of guests I bring to countries that don't ask for independence
15:18is it the weirdest ever edition of snog marry avoid
15:27in this relationship he's me and I'm Nick Clegg
15:33is he so posh Cameron that he's not playing air guitar but he's playing air loot
15:45is Cameron going so then the black guy says to the waiter he's standing right there isn't he
15:54is he saying I'll be home late tonight this one's dragging me out for a pint
16:08is this proof that leaders are shape-shifting lizards that's Cameron Obama and Angela Merkel
16:15he's going here I've been telling him how you're all going to help me catch the known terrorist Abu Gaveni
16:23is he saying we used to have one of these fellas at the Bullington Club these to bring us drinks and
16:32play some jazz piano
16:33no the actual is a NATO summit which is being held in Newport yes indeed well don't thank you very much you
16:43yes this is a picture of US President Barack Obama and Prime Minister David Cameron during
16:52the recent NATO summit head of the Celtic Manor golf club and hotel in Newport South Wales the
16:57summit marks the first time that a serving American president has visited Wales and talks were dominated by
17:01Afghanistan the situation in Iraq and the conflict between Russia and Ukraine I love the idea that
17:07lots of world leaders their first thing they see of Wales is Newport basically isn't it if you go
17:14there strip club takeaway strip club takeaway if you're a lap-dancing chef you get a lot of work in
17:21Newport did they mean to me in New York but just have an autocrack nightmare what security measures were
17:30implemented for the summit oh there was a ring of steel as a term uses which was that a fence yes
17:36a fence yes big things they uh what they did they put a fence around they put it around summer
17:43Cardiff as well around the castle which they should have just it's a castle on reflection you know you're
17:51right there is a rather a large wall as part of the castle but they had like SWAT teams and to 2am on a Friday
17:57night in Cardiff I want to see the hen party versus SWAT team kick off
18:02yeah what did Barack Obama do immediately after the summit he did a rather extraordinary thing which was he got his he's got his own
18:08helicopters called marine one yeah and marine one was flying him I think to London and he made it stop on the way because he wanted to see Stonehenge he said it was the highlight of his tour
18:18that is Newport for you ladies and gentlemen
18:23Barack's no stranger to wonders I mean he himself is an unarmed black man in America who's never been shot by the police
18:31do you know what I did like about the whole thing though what did you like about the whole thing
18:35some of the entertainment that they had what did they have as entertainment you know one of the things they were entertained by
18:40Prince Charles's official harp player
18:45huh that's badass
18:47because if you think about it like I'm not I'm not a big royalist but when you got something like Obama rolling into town
18:53there's not many other world leaders can sort of outdo him you know you've got to go royal on his ass
18:59you know this guy nobody else has got air force war in a marine war around like that but you can still go
19:04have you got your own official harpist
19:06that's pretty sweet
19:09can you can you have your own dream sequences
19:12oh
19:14he's there but he's the Prince of Wales why doesn't he doesn't have whale music surely that's more his thing
19:19is he not that kind of way no he's not the Prince of all whales
19:26it's not like beast master I call forth the way
19:32with them and my official harpist
19:40misunderstood that for 40 years
19:46even this photo I like to think he's just said what Congress won't let you have your own harpist
19:53baby play him something
19:55we had a harp in our house
19:58how many the Prince of Wales could afford
20:00we had a harp in our house
20:01how Irish are you
20:02I'm unbelievably Irish
20:04I am the most Irish person of all
20:06come dance with me in Ireland
20:08we had a harp in the house yeah
20:11with the poor children of your town
20:13allowed to come and play the harp
20:15no
20:16they would dance as I played
20:17they would dance as I played
20:18they would dance as I played
20:22I've got an image of you now as the Pied Piper of Dublin
20:28very much so
20:29leading the kids away
20:30a pair of green culottes
20:31there will come a court case when they will replay this as evidence
20:34I come from a very different world
20:39did you have clothes that you could put on when you were playing the harp
20:44no I played it naked
20:45you straddle it
20:48you straddle the harp naked
20:50a leg on either side right
20:51but you hold your genitals close into the ramp
20:53so they're not there
20:54and then you
20:55if you're drunk
20:56if you're drunk you just bang it with your lads
21:00bing bing bong
21:01bing bing bong
21:03I challenge you all
21:04none of you who can play the harp with your penis
21:07but I am
21:08none of you is there a man here who can play the harp with people
21:11do you just call it your lads
21:14your lads
21:15that's your lads
21:16that's your lads
21:17no it's not
21:18that's your lads
21:19we're in the harp playing country
21:20that's what you call us right
21:22so you're playing a harp with an organ
21:24that's the best
21:25so you know what
21:32psychologically this is doing me the world of good
21:35because my dad was a bishop
21:36so I used to spend quite a lot of my childhood dressing up as a bishop
21:39and I thought I was weird
21:40have you still got a harp?
21:44I don't have a harp
21:45there was a harp in the house when I grew up
21:47and it's still there
21:48so now you have to go into like music shops to do it and stuff
21:53I might buy it
21:54I might buy it
21:56some day
21:57sir
21:58sir
21:59sir
22:00sir could you please at least wear a condom
22:04other people have been trying that harp
22:06you don't want to get harpies
22:08yeah
22:09yeah
22:11yeah
22:12oh
22:13that kneel under that
22:15well that's the NATO summit coverage
22:17this show
22:24this show man
22:25it makes some points
22:26it makes some points
22:27satirically
22:28you know
22:29what's wrong Britain
22:30too much truth for you
22:31yeah
22:32wake up sheeple
22:34lifting the world from your eyes
22:38back in the round
22:41and
22:42here's our Josh, Katherine and Andy
22:49now we come to scenes we'd like to see
22:51so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area
22:54I'll read it this week's topics then we'll see what our panels can come up with
22:57okay here we go the first subject is unlikely small ads
23:05for sale one harp really really used
23:10for sale one hang glider don't call before two as we're attending a funeral
23:19for sale engagement ring never used would suit heartless bitch
23:27do you need a dog walker you lazy bastard
23:38comedian seeks new harp for no strings attached sex
23:44after leaving an abusive relationship I'm looking for a fresh start contact Scotland
23:57for sale freezer not working properly would make ideal fridge
24:10flexible nanny required my wife only does a missionary position
24:14for sale
24:18for sale
24:19Mitsuki 400 AK X3S with extended cab and vortex box with two brushes
24:25would suit somebody who knows what the fuck it is
24:33retired celebrity looky likey seeks alternative employment
24:36also for sale
24:38wobble board didgeridoo
24:39and paint brushes
24:40and paint brushes
24:45do you enjoy moonlit walks in the park
24:47then you might have witnessed a murder last Thursday
24:54internet troll seeks stupid fat whore lesbian bitch
24:57for stimulating conversation and walks on the beach
24:59for sale
25:03for sale book of logic puzzles
25:05would suit somebody who wants a book of logic puzzles
25:08correction
25:17last week's notice was mistakenly placed in the men seeking men column
25:22but actually I am genuinely seeking someone to demolish my back entrance
25:25laughter
25:26laughter
25:27laughter
25:28laughter
25:29laughter
25:30okay the next topic is
25:31unlikely lines from a superhero movie
25:35come quick Batman
25:36Catwoman has just regurgitated Robin at the kitchen door again
25:41laughter
25:42laughter
25:43laughter
25:44laughter
25:45he stopped us again
25:46laughter
25:47damn you lollipop man
25:49laughter
25:50laughter
25:51laughter
25:52laughter
25:53laughter
25:54laughter
25:55hey storm
25:56I got something needs blowing
25:58laughter
25:59laughter
26:00laughter
26:01laughter
26:02laughter
26:03the dark knight rises
26:05has a quick tug
26:06goes flaccid again
26:08laughter
26:09laughter
26:10laughter
26:11laughter
26:12laughter
26:13laughter
26:14spiderman is dead
26:15and so is flyman
26:17swallowed by there was an old lady woman
26:20laughter
26:21laughter
26:22laughter
26:23laughter
26:24laughter
26:25how is my date with spiderman
26:27well you know how the average person swallows seven spiders in their sleep
26:31what if it's like a million more than that
26:33laughter
26:34laughter
26:35laughter
26:36laughter
26:38oh my god there's a coach full of children about to fall off a bridge on the M40
26:43still not to worry I can take the M1 instead
26:46laughter
26:48laughter
26:49a gas leak at the orphanage sounds like a job for me the human torch
26:54laughter
26:55you are the superhero every man wants to see girl on girl
27:03laughter
27:04laughter
27:05help we need to film these scenes quickly this must be a job for cameraman
27:13of all the mutants Magneto was the hardest to deal with as he was bipolar
27:24laughter
27:25laughter
27:26laughter
27:27I am patient man I work out every day eat a high fiber diet and simply outlive my enemies
27:34laughter
27:35laughter
27:36laughter
27:37laughter
27:38laughter
27:39laughter
27:40faster than a speeding bullet stronger than an ox and that's why we'd like you to piss in this cup
27:45laughter
27:47laughter
27:49they're getting away what do we do patient man we wait
27:53laughter
27:54laughter
27:55laughter
27:56laughter
27:57laughter
27:58laughter
27:59laughter
28:00spiderman spiderman does whatever a spider can
28:05help I'm stuck in the bath
28:07laughter
28:08laughter
28:10applause
28:11laughter
28:12applause
28:14I wonder what he's thinking I wonder if he likes me I wonder if I'm fat
28:20Wonder Woman
28:21laughter
28:22laughter
28:23laughter
28:24laughter
28:25laughter
28:26Is that your advice Thor? Normally I just cook from frozen
28:31laughter
28:33laughter
28:34laughter
28:35The gates to the netherworld are opening! Thor! Hit them with your fucking hammer!
28:46laughter
28:47laughter
28:49laughter
28:50At the end of the round the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary!
28:52And that's the end of the show! This week's winners are Ed, Byron, Hugh, Dennis and Gary Delaney!
29:06CHEERING
29:10Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Katyn Ryan and Joshua Thecombe!
29:15CHEERING
29:16Thank you for watching, I'm Gary Green, good night!
29:19Good night!
29:21hahaha
29:22APPLAUSE
29:26thank you, good night!
29:27Kato Lack
29:28Kato Lack
29:29Kato Lack
29:31Kato Lack
29:33Kato Lack
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