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00:00BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING YOU SEE OR HEAR
00:05READ ALL ABOUT IT
00:08READ ALL ABOUT IT
00:10NEWS OF THE WORLD
00:12NEWS OF THE WORLD
00:14READ ALL ABOUT IT
00:16READ ALL ABOUT IT
00:18NEWS OF THE WORLD
00:20NEWS OF THE WORLD
00:24Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dora Breen.
00:27Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson and Josh Riddicom,
00:31Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
00:41We start with a round call, if this is the answer, what is the question?
00:44On the board are six categories. Tiff, which category would you like?
00:47I'll go for Home News.
00:49OK, your category is Home News. The answer is 339 miles.
00:54What is the question?
00:56Is it how far the Proclaimers got before they went,
00:58nah, she's not worth it?
01:01If Scotland votes yes to independence,
01:04how high should they build the new Hadrian's Wall?
01:14Is it what distance from a roundabout
01:16is too soon to slow down?
01:19Is it what distance is the nearest that the HS2 route goes to David Cameron's house?
01:28Is it if you turn on Grind It in Russia, where is your closest match?
01:33What's the distance between Bjork and reality?
01:42Is it how long can a lorry driver go without needing a shit?
01:46LAUGHTER
01:47That's an average, that's an average.
01:49And that obviously, obviously.
01:50That's not, that's not just a start...
01:52He's not like a Mike Ray bump and he's going to go ding,
01:54that's what he's talking about.
01:56Is it how far you have to walk to complete a full circuit of Ikea?
02:01LAUGHTER
02:03Is it if you travel 340 miles by Megabus,
02:07for how long are you regretting that decision?
02:10LAUGHTER
02:12Hey, I run a very good bus company, I won't hear a word about it.
02:15LAUGHTER
02:16Is it how much greater has the Islamic Caliphate got in the last five minutes?
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21That's satirical. It simply didn't work.
02:23The reason it didn't work is because you're sitting next to somebody
02:25who looks so much like he could be a Muslim, people are nervous.
02:28LAUGHTER
02:29I'm not sure.
02:30I should have laughed, then you guys would have been all right.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:35LAUGHTER
02:37APPLAUSE
02:40LAUGHTER
02:42Here's the answer.
02:44How far did the Tour de France go through Britain this week?
02:47Absolutely right, thank you very much, Josh.
02:49Very good.
02:50APPLAUSE
02:52Yes.
02:53The question I was looking for was,
02:55what's the total distance of the three British stages of this year's
02:58Tour de France, which began in Yorkshire at the weekend?
03:01Did you watch us? Did you watch us?
03:02Did you watch us?
03:03Did you watch us?
03:04Yeah.
03:05I'm too coming through London.
03:06I thought that was, you know, to show British cycling its best,
03:09they should probably have, when they got to central London,
03:11had to get a Boris bike.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14It's a bit strange, isn't it, that they've now gone to France,
03:16so the fourth stage is in France, and they've gone to France,
03:18and they've gone by train or ferry, when the obvious answer is,
03:21send them across the Channel on a Pedalo.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:25It's exciting, cos it was in Yorkshire, but it still wasn't very Yorkshire.
03:30There was part of me that was hoping on the final descent
03:33they'd be overtaken by the guy from Last of the Summer Wine in a bath.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:37I was playing the Hovis music.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40He's a very happy Yorkshire, wasn't he?
03:41I mean, that's not a lot of people's traditional view of Yorkshire,
03:44you know, that they would have all sat and watched it go past
03:46and then go, eh?
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49A nice clash of cultures, though, isn't it?
03:51I like the idea of Yorkshire people with French people,
03:53and we're hoping for, like, a big romance to bloom,
03:56where I've got a Yorkshire woman chatting up a French cyclist.
03:59Hey, up, love, voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
04:02LAUGHTER
04:03That would be amazing.
04:04Pet.
04:05LAUGHTER
04:06It was basically, wasn't it, it was York down to Sheffield...
04:09Yep.
04:10..then it was bus to Cambridge, then cycle to London.
04:13A very familiar journey if you've ever tried to catch a train on a Sunday.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:20What I like about it is they've sort of given French names to stuff,
04:23but then you still have, like, Yorkshire bits in.
04:26Do you know what I mean?
04:27Like, you've got, like, the Butter Tubs Pass has become...
04:29..gut de Butter Tubs.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32It's quality.
04:33It's like when you hear, like...
04:34..when I hear my family sort of speaking in their mother tongue,
04:37you sort of, we talk, and then you have to throw in an English word,
04:40like...
04:41..Kings Cross St Pancras.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:47What do you think now?
04:48You know, they did change all the names into French to get publicity,
04:51so all the pubs changed names, didn't they?
04:53Yes.
04:54All the pubs throughout Yorkshire changed names.
04:55And you just went into French.
04:56And you think,
04:57how cross was the manager of Pret-a-Manger in Harrison?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04Did you say one of the pubs that changed its name
05:07was called the Yew Tree?
05:09Now, I think they should consider a name change anyway in that pub.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:14I mean, it's a very...
05:15..it's been a huge topic,
05:16but I wouldn't have teamed a pub around it.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:20It's...
05:21I mean, Planet Hollywood was an unpleasant visit
05:23at the best of times with the Yew Tree, is it genuine?
05:26What family fun at the Yew Tree?
05:28LAUGHTER
05:29I don't think so.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:31Just like the fact that you got to see somebody on a bike
05:33with a drug problem
05:34who hadn't just stolen my mobile phone.
05:36LAUGHTER
05:38Watching the BBC coverage on that first day, though,
05:41they described...
05:42Oh, there's 2.5 million people out in Yorkshire,
05:45and they described in many areas
05:47that the crowds were dense.
05:49Now...
05:50LAUGHTER
05:52I thought that was unnecessary
05:53and somewhat regionalist, myself.
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56Well, I watched the coverage of it coming into London,
05:59and although, you know, it stopped being in Yorkshire,
06:02but the commentation was incredibly Yorkshire.
06:04Cos he went...
06:05When they were commentating
06:06and looking at the different places in London,
06:07they could see it,
06:08and the bloke went,
06:09Where's the Shard?
06:10The Shard was finished,
06:11just in time for the Olympic Games.
06:14You can go on right to the top of the Shard.
06:16It's very expensive in my...
06:18LAUGHTER
06:22If you watch,
06:23if you're an avid fan of the Tour de France,
06:25as they go on,
06:26there's always a helicopter shot
06:27to break up just the shots of the cyclists,
06:29of whatever local chateaus there are,
06:31like whatever,
06:32which they sort of did a version of,
06:33but there's one shot of Trafalgar Square,
06:35and the camera of the helicopter
06:37slowly rotating around Nelson's column,
06:40and you go,
06:41I would like to hear the French commentary.
06:43Nobody knows who this man is.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46LAUGHTER
06:48APPLAUSE
06:50Yes, what, by the way,
06:54endangered the safety riders during the stages here?
06:57This was people taking selfies,
06:58and they basically,
06:59obviously,
07:00they sort of would have their back
07:01to the peloton,
07:03and so they couldn't actually see them coming.
07:05And you think it's just a new form
07:07of natural selection, basically, isn't it?
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10Well, wasn't there a lad
07:11who got a selfie with the Queen?
07:13Yes,
07:14and the Queen visited Belfast a couple of weeks ago,
07:16and, yeah, and it was relatively,
07:18he did it really smoothly.
07:19I mean,
07:20you'd hardly spot it happening.
07:21Here's a picture of it here.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26The picture you want
07:28is what that guy behind him
07:30is about to do now.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33Belfast isn't the place
07:34to suddenly jump out
07:35at a member of the Royals, though, is it?
07:36LAUGHTER
07:37It's a very brave move.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40In other news...
07:42LAUGHTER
07:44What medical problem has David Cameron
07:46warned the world about this week?
07:47Posh twat syndrome.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:51This is, uh,
07:52superbugs that are resistant
07:53to the current crop of antibiotics, is this?
07:56Yes.
07:57Yeah, yeah.
07:58Resistant in a proper medical sense
07:59rather than resistant to kind of a...
08:01Oh, I'm not fond of it.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04Apparently the reason bacteria
08:05have got so much worse
08:07is that all the good bacteria
08:08have been put into yoghurt.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:13So, he said it's going to send medicine
08:18back to the dark ages?
08:20Yes, yeah.
08:21I'm not going to go to the doctor.
08:23If I...
08:24If I turn up with athlete's foot
08:25and end up getting burnt as a witch,
08:26I'm not getting involved.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28I mean, it would be your only choice.
08:29I mean, the guy who farms leeches
08:31is going,
08:32well, well, well.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:34I knew you'd come back.
08:35You've all come crawling back now,
08:37haven't you,
08:38with your infection and what not?
08:40He has had probably quite a bad few years,
08:42the guy that farms leeches, darling.
08:44It's been a rough 300 years or so
08:46since the madness of George the Parrot.
08:49That, you know...
08:50But since, you know,
08:51he's still waiting with his...
08:52He's just stroking the leeches.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54They shall come back to us.
08:56Oh, I don't let the leech sit on my arm.
08:58The leech is stuck to my arm.
08:59I can't get the leech off my arm.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:02The thing that worries me
09:03about going back to the dark ages is...
09:05If you go back to the Middle Ages,
09:07with dementia,
09:08the thing that really worries me
09:09is keyhole surgery.
09:11Have you...
09:12Have you seen the size
09:13of a medieval keyhole?
09:14LAUGHTER
09:16The thing is,
09:17I think everybody's known this,
09:18haven't they?
09:19Yes.
09:20Like, that doctors prescribe antibiotics,
09:21like, too much.
09:22Like, every time you go to the doctor,
09:23I've got...
09:24I feel flu-y.
09:25Antibiotics.
09:26My leg hurts.
09:27LAUGHTER
09:28My leg hurts.
09:29Antibiotics.
09:30I think that I'm developing a bacteria
09:31that's resistant to antibiotics.
09:33Antibiotics.
09:34LAUGHTER
09:35Tell you what,
09:36if I'd done that impression,
09:37it would've got a lot of different reactions.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40It would've been fine,
09:41cos it would've gone...
09:42LAUGHTER
09:43LAUGHTER
09:50Look at the power of life or death.
09:52Whatever you do that.
09:53And I could end any of you.
09:54LAUGHTER
09:57There was...
09:58You're right, though, in...
09:59I'm not...
10:00I'm not sticking up to you.
10:01Er...
10:02He's right there.
10:03This is not a new thing.
10:04The timing of Cameron getting on board
10:06does feel a bit like he did a press...
10:08I've got a press conference
10:09and all hands shoot up and goes,
10:10What about Coulson?
10:11What about Coulson?
10:12What about Coulson?
10:13And Cameron went,
10:14Coulson?
10:15People are dying!
10:16LAUGHTER
10:17He brought it up, didn't he?
10:18He said he brought up antibiotic resistant
10:20super bugs at the last G7 meeting
10:23and apparently Vladimir Putin
10:25was very interested in buying some.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:29How has a scientist in America
10:31been putting the world at risk?
10:32He's kind of mutated a strain of bird flu, hasn't he?
10:35Yes, he has, yes.
10:36To make it...
10:37It's transmissible now between bird and human.
10:40It's...
10:41It's a thing we've tried to avoid.
10:42No, it's not transmissible between bird and human.
10:44It is...
10:45It's transmissible between duck and ferret.
10:47LAUGHTER
10:49That's a pub in Yorkshire.
10:51He is, yeah.
10:52I'm concerned this man has never seen a zombie film
10:54because this is how they all start.
10:55They all begin with this.
10:56They all begin with this, yeah.
10:57Didn't they compare it to a film, though?
10:58Are they...
10:59Contagion?
11:00Contagion.
11:01It was in one of the papers
11:02and an example...
11:03They give two historical examples.
11:05Historical examples of a viral infection.
11:07There was Spanish flu which killed 57 million
11:09and the film Contagion in which 26 million people died.
11:13And you're going, no, the film Contagion.
11:15Nobody actually died.
11:16That didn't happen.
11:17That was all fictional.
11:18You might as well say,
11:20it uses a laser similar to the one used in the Death Star
11:23which blew up the planet all the way.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:26If they wanted to compare it to a film
11:28that brought suffering to millions,
11:29they should have compared it to that one
11:30about Princess Monaco of Kent.
11:32No, is that her name?
11:33It's Princess Mon...
11:34I don't know her fucking name.
11:35Her name is...
11:36I just know it was a terrible film.
11:37Princess Grace of Monaco.
11:38I'm never talking again.
11:39Princess...
11:40Princess Monaco of Kent.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:48Your wife works in medicine, doesn't she?
11:50She does.
11:51She's a doctor.
11:52Do you reckon this is true?
11:53Do you reckon you can tell what someone's going to be like in bed
11:55depending on which area of medicine they work in, right?
11:57Because you've got, like, the paramedics...
11:59LAUGHTER
12:00This could end badly.
12:01You've got the paramedics, they, like, are quick in and out,
12:03and then you've got the GPs, they cover a lot of the body
12:05but they don't know what they're doing.
12:07LAUGHTER
12:08And then you've got the surgeons,
12:09who like to go and have a rummage around
12:11and leave something behind that shouldn't be there.
12:13LAUGHTER
12:14Often, if you sleep with a GP and you go,
12:16well, is there any chance we could do something special?
12:18I said, no, we'll have to refer you to a...
12:20LAUGHTER
12:21LAUGHTER
12:22And at the end of that round,
12:26the boys are going to rubbish you and Barry!
12:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:32Now we play a round called Tour de Fa-ha-ha-ha-hans.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:37This game is called Tiff and Gary,
12:38so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
12:41This round's a stand-up challenge, I launch the Wheel of News
12:43and whoever chooses to stop, one of our performers
12:45must step forward and talk about that subject.
12:47OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
12:51The first subject is dating.
12:53OK, I'll take that.
12:54OK, Tiff.
12:55I'm pretty glad I'm not single any more,
12:58cos I'm 36,
12:59so I'm at that age where I've had to start saying to guys,
13:02seriously, do you mind not talking to my face?
13:04They're right here.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:06Actually, more like here, now.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11I'm not saying guys don't approach me any more in bars,
13:14they do, but it is to get around me.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17I had a guy come up to me recently in a nightclub
13:19and he went, excuse me, and I went, yes?
13:23And he went, no, just excuse me.
13:25LAUGHTER
13:27So, I don't really understand, though,
13:29the whole objectification of women,
13:31like, until I missed it, right?
13:33But, you know, I don't think I've missed sexism,
13:36but that's what getting older does.
13:38Cos I was always confused by hearing guys talk about women in bars,
13:42you know, and objectifying them, going,
13:44are you a boobs guy or are you a bum guy?
13:46Are you a boobs guy or are you a bum guy?
13:48And as a woman, that's really offensive, right?
13:50Because women, we don't sit around going,
13:53are you a balls girl, are you a penis girl?
13:56LAUGHTER
13:57Are you a balls girl or are you a penis girl?
13:59And I'll tell you why that is.
14:00That is because no woman in the history of the world
14:04has ever said, do you know what?
14:06I'm just a balls girl, me.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:10APPLAUSE
14:12Just really love a pair of balls.
14:16I just love a pair of balls.
14:18I like how they're dry and clammy at the same time.
14:21LAUGHTER
14:22Wrinkly but weirdly smooth.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:26Red and brown.
14:27I like moving them around in my hand
14:29like they're Chinese meditation balls.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:33Well done, Jesse, what's up?
14:35APPLAUSE
14:37OK, that leaves us with Gary.
14:40Let's see what you've been left with.
14:41Let's spin the wheel.
14:44And the topic is health.
14:49The doctor told me to lose some weight.
14:51I said, how?
14:52He said, don't eat anything fatty.
14:54I said, what, pies, chips, that kind of thing?
14:56He said, no, just don't eat anything fatty.
14:59LAUGHTER
15:01I was thrown out of Weight Watchers
15:06for making sarcastic comments
15:08during the weekly weigh-in.
15:10As you can imagine,
15:11I accepted the decision with huge grace
15:13because they threw her out as well.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:20Chair of Dyslexic Society was recently given an OBE.
15:23He said, what's the point?
15:24I can't play the bloody thing.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:32I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics.
15:34Yeah, I bet they've got a few skeletons in the closet.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:40A friend of mine's been suffering from paranoid delusions
15:43and now he thinks he's a chocolate orange.
15:45I worry he's going to be sectioned.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:49Poor Terry.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:54I thought PPI was just something you could get
15:56if you didn't wear goggles at the swimming baths.
15:59LAUGHTER
16:04I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
16:05He wasn't pleased.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:12I once met a girl who confused the tube of KY jelly
16:14with superglue.
16:15I asked how it happened,
16:16but sadly her lips were sealed.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19LAUGHTER
16:21Very good.
16:22Well done, the both of you.
16:23Point down for Tiffany Zimmerton.
16:24Come back, sit down.
16:25APPLAUSE
16:30Good work.
16:31Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
16:33I show the panel a topical image
16:35and ask them to tell me what's happening.
16:37So, what's going on here?
16:39Is this when they got the news
16:41Cliff Richard have been caught in traffic?
16:43LAUGHTER
16:44Are they, in fact, watching Prince Philip
16:47trying to talk to the Williams sisters?
16:50LAUGHTER
16:51LAUGHTER
16:52Is it, erm, news in from the palace,
16:56the Queen is dead?
16:58LAUGHTER
17:00What, to get their news from Old God?
17:03I hadn't heard that story, Peter, during the week.
17:05Yeah.
17:06You'd think they'd have got more coverage
17:07than a passing reference on Mock the Week.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:11Have they, er, have they just seen themselves
17:13on the giant screen?
17:15LAUGHTER
17:16Is...
17:17LAUGHTER
17:19Have Kate and Wills hired private detectives
17:21to spy on each other?
17:23LAUGHTER
17:24Have they just found out that the Royal Premier
17:28of Mrs Brown's boys has been cancelled?
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31I don't think I know what it is.
17:33They have just witnessed Princess Monaco of Kent.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:38Finally.
17:39Finally do the turn.
17:41APPLAUSE
17:43It's a new thing where they, erm,
17:44they do, like, public executions of illegal immigrants.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47Do your laugh.
17:48Do your laugh.
17:49Do your laugh.
17:50I mean, come on, guys.
17:51I'm sorry.
17:52LAUGHTER
17:53LAUGHTER
17:54I found that good.
17:55That was OK.
17:56LAUGHTER
17:57And you know what it actually is.
17:59I think they're at Wimbledon, aren't they?
18:01Yes, they are at Wimbledon.
18:02Thank you very, very much.
18:03You, of course, are at Wimbledon.
18:05APPLAUSE
18:06Yes, of course.
18:09This is a picture of Prince William and Kate Middleton
18:11cheering on Roger Federer
18:13before he was defeated by Novak Djokovic
18:15in the men's Wimbledon final.
18:17The summertime champion Federer lost in five sets to Djokovic
18:20in a gripping match that lasted nearly four hours.
18:23He won, he ate the grass,
18:25or, as some people were saying,
18:28he lost his balance and hit the court with his teeth.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32He said the grass was the best meal he'd ever had.
18:36Which...
18:37I mean, I've not tried Serbian food, but it must be.
18:40LAUGHTER
18:41Also, if he ever wins on clay,
18:43it's going to be an absolute horror show, isn't it?
18:45LAUGHTER
18:46Is that what they mean when they say a tennis player's seeded?
18:49LAUGHTER
18:50He looks like he's getting ready to get seeded right now.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:54APPLAUSE
18:56LAUGHTER
18:58It's pretty dangerous with Boris Becker there
19:01and the crowd shouting,
19:02Roger, Roger, it's kind of dangerous.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05He's going to take that as an instruction
19:06and start looking for a waitress, isn't it?
19:08What's the problem there?
19:09He's scary looking now, isn't he?
19:10Becker, he looks like he's having a permanent allergic reaction
19:12to a bee sting.
19:13LAUGHTER
19:14It's sort of like a boiled ham in a wig, he's...
19:17LAUGHTER
19:18It was lucky they finished when they did,
19:20cos, I mean, the smell of burning in the players' box.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24People going, we've got to get Boris out of the sunshine,
19:26either that or brush him with a bit of egg.
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29We've...
19:30We've got to do something.
19:32I like how after he won,
19:34he dedicated the prize to his future wife and future baby
19:38and all the audience went,
19:39oh, that's so sweet,
19:40apart from his current wife and current baby.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:44It's obviously sad that Murray got knocked out in the quarter-final
19:47and he was effing and blinding, wasn't he?
19:49You know, five minutes before the bloody game
19:51and people saying they were shocked by him.
19:53But let's face it,
19:54a Scotsman walking around, talking to themselves,
19:57shouting expletives to nobody in particular,
19:59it's not really that much of a shock, is it?
20:02LAUGHTER
20:03With Murray, there's always that thing,
20:05there's always that sort of age-old joke
20:07where when he's winning his British
20:08and when he's losing his Scottish,
20:10and this time he got battered
20:11and you can't get more Scottish than that.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:14APPLAUSE
20:16It's got to be, er...
20:18It's got to be, er...
20:19Andy Murray, big fan of the show. OK.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:23What was special with the women's final this year?
20:25It was short.
20:26It was quite brief.
20:27Weird, didn't it?
20:28Because it's normally the men that are quicker.
20:30Hello!
20:31LAUGHTER
20:32Hello!
20:33That just happened!
20:34LAUGHTER
20:35There was Eugenie Bouchard.
20:37Eugenie Bouchard.
20:38Yeah, she made it into the final,
20:40and she's named after the royal family,
20:43her and her twin sister Beatrice,
20:45which is why now she spends her entire life
20:48flying round the world earning large amounts of money
20:50for just doing a few hours' work each week.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:53Has to be actual members of the royal family, though,
20:55which is why she doesn't have a brother called Harry.
20:58Yeah.
20:59Or an auntie called Monaco of Kent.
21:01Er...
21:02LAUGHTER
21:03Is this...
21:04Is this episode going to end up with all of us hung for treason?
21:07LAUGHTER
21:09Or we carried through the streets of Dublin?
21:11Yes!
21:12LAUGHTER
21:18In other news...
21:19What did French police recently lose at Marseille Airport?
21:22A giant Toblerone.
21:23LAUGHTER
21:24This is fantastic.
21:25They did, erm...
21:27They were doing a security test, weren't they,
21:29where they got sniffer dogs to find explosives,
21:31Semtex, that they had hidden,
21:33and the dogs couldn't find the explosives,
21:35and then the policemen who'd hidden the explosives
21:38couldn't remember where they'd hidden them.
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41If a sniffer dog can't sniff out the bomb,
21:43then that's just a dog.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:46That is a tough thing to turn into a dog
21:49and, like, take the badge off a dog.
21:52You're just...
21:53You're just...
21:54Demoted to a dog.
21:55Ooh!
21:56You're off the wheel.
21:57LAUGHTER
21:58This explosive they lost,
21:59I gather it was called C4.
22:00C4, yeah.
22:01Which presumably means
22:02they got another chance to find it again an hour later
22:04on C4 Plus One.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:10I suspect the problem...
22:11I suspect the problem, honestly,
22:12with the sniffer dog
22:13was that it had been sniffing drugs all afternoon,
22:15couldn't remember what explosives smelt like.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18I was supposed to be looking for some C4, man,
22:20but I am.
22:21Off my tits, bruv.
22:23I tell you.
22:24This has been the best day ever.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27Do you want a screenplay?
22:29Yeah, it's about a dog.
22:30It's about a dog who's a sniffer dog
22:31and has lots of adventures.
22:33It's really good.
22:34I've worked on it for a long time.
22:35It's like, amazing.
22:36Awww!
22:38We should do this more.
22:40We should do this more!
22:41This is great!
22:42Awww!
22:43Apparently that's what it's like.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:46OK, at the end of that round,
22:49the points go to Josh, Tiff, and Andy!
22:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:59Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
23:01so if everyone can make their way to the performance area, please.
23:03I'll read out this week's topics
23:04and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
23:06OK, here we go.
23:07The first subject is...
23:10Unlikely things to hear at the dentist.
23:16I think you may have to wear braces.
23:18It's just that you're very fat
23:20and your trousers keep falling down.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:24I'm just a bit surprised at all.
23:26When I said, uh, spit it out,
23:28I wasn't expecting you to say you were shagging my wife.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:32LAUGHTER
23:36Hello, uh, is that Mr Chang?
23:38We need to change your appointment.
23:40No, we can do 2.15 or 2.45.
23:43LAUGHTER
23:49Welcome to Dick Van Dyke, the dentist.
23:51I'm afraid it's worse than bad breath.
23:53You've got supercalifragilistic extreme halitosis.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:58APPLAUSE
24:00I wouldn't say that your root canal is in a bad way,
24:04but I've just found a shopping trolley in it.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:13Do you want a lollipop for being such a brave boy?
24:15Of course you do.
24:16That's why your teeth look like cheesy Wotsits, you little prick.
24:19LAUGHTER
24:22And now if you inhale the gas
24:24and try and guess what I had for breakfast.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:29LAUGHTER
24:33Yep, you're right.
24:34They are false.
24:35Had a good feel while she was unconscious.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:38LAUGHTER
24:42Heeeeee!
24:44No, don't worry.
24:45That's not the sound of the drill.
24:47It's just that my receptionist is Scouser.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:50Your dental hygienist will see you soon.
24:56She's just going for a shit.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:04Upper right, six.
25:06Lower left, seven.
25:08Sorry, I'll be with you as soon as I finish this game of battleships.
25:11LAUGHTER
25:13Can I think of a celebrity whose veneers I'd like to copy?
25:19Erm, probably Princess Monaco of Kent.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:24APPLAUSE
25:28Why do I want a crown?
25:29Well, I'm Princess Monaco of Kent.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32LAUGHTER
25:37This is most unusual, madam.
25:39You don't seem to have any teeth at all.
25:41What's that?
25:42You're here for a smear test?
25:43That's next door.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:45LAUGHTER
25:48OK, the next topic is...
25:59The next topic is...
26:02Unlikely lines from a children's book.
26:06And Sleeping Beauty slept for a hundred nights.
26:09In fairness, it had been a massive bender.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:16Ah, black beauty, she said.
26:19I'm glad I bought you rather than the rampant rabbit.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:28The dragon looked at him scarily.
26:30Little Hobbit stepped up to him and said,
26:32Hello, I'm Josh Wadda Cub.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:40I'm not doing the laugh. I'm not doing the laugh.
26:42LAUGHTER
26:44What big eyes you have, Grandma, said Little Red Riding Hood.
26:49Yes, said Grandma.
26:50I'm off my tits on methamphetamine.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:54APPLAUSE
26:56APPLAUSE
26:58You do not like green eggs and ham.
27:00Well, tough, this is a Wetherspoons.
27:03LAUGHTER
27:04Mr Toad, Ratty and Badger all went on an adventure in the motor car.
27:10Then Mr Toad accidentally said something racist on camera
27:13and was on his final warning from the BBC.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:18I bet you wish you were like me.
27:21I fall over all the time and I never hurt myself, said Mr Bounce.
27:26Oh, fuck off, said Mark Cavendish.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:34And behind the jumpers and the coats at the back of the wardrobe,
27:37there he was, Julian Assange.
27:40LAUGHTER
27:41I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow you for five pounds.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:54Well, what shall we call our baby, said Mr Dizzy.
27:58Ooh, let's think, said Miss Rascal.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:03Spot wondered why he'd been placed into the sack with the brick.
28:12But either way, this was going to be the best trip to the canal ever.
28:16LAUGHTER
28:19The Fat Controller went on a business strategy course.
28:23And from then on, he wanted to be known
28:25as the horizontally gifted Chief Operations Manager.
28:28LAUGHTER
28:30LAUGHTER
28:33Well, Cinderella, she said, I'm your fairy princess,
28:37Princess Monaco of Kent.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:46Charlie couldn't believe he was being allowed into the chocolate factory.
28:50His girlfriend had been dead against it for years.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:54It was maybe because Mr Tickle could reach around doorways and through windows
29:09that he came to the attention of Operation Newtree.
29:13LAUGHTER
29:17And then you just have to try and pay your mortgage off before you die.
29:19Good night, son.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:24And the end of that round.
29:26The point's going to rubbish Hugh and Gary!
29:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:34And that's the end of the show.
29:36This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Chip Stevenson and Josh Widdicombe.
29:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:41COMMISERATIONS TO ROMA SHRANGANAYTON, Hugh Dennis and Gary the Lady!
29:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:50I'm Dara Breen.
29:51Good night.
29:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:54I have given you...
29:55a highlight, hpготов and I have to wait 00't wait.
29:56Go away!
29:57Here is your mentor, Phil Dara, will...
29:59how far was it?
30:01That's short to see the text all the time you have to take it?
30:02There's a nice reward.
30:04It was a request from, but no WAG the hope and unreal.
30:07He invited Boomer Scott to Mitt sendoest peeve.
30:09He called his faithful men through our class.
30:10But...
30:12the large friend Amanda restricts Geatherman's doing not so well.
30:16Meanwhile he hired San чего.
30:18He was a Hackney and Pikachu
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