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00:01Read all about it. Read all about it.
00:06News of the world. News of the world.
00:09Read all about it.
00:12Read all about it.
00:15News of the world. News of the world.
00:21Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Daryl O'Brien.
00:24Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Susan Kalman and Rob Beckett,
00:27Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Hal Cruttenden.
00:39We start with a round call.
00:41If this is the answer, what is the question?
00:43On the board are six categories.
00:45Susan, which category would you like?
00:47Politics, please. No problem at all. Politics is the category.
00:50The answer is two. What is the question?
00:53How many celebrities from the 1970s is it still OK for me to like?
00:58LAUGHTER
01:00A very provisional number, that.
01:03Investigation is still ongoing.
01:05Yes.
01:06Do you think what was the population in God's first census?
01:11LAUGHTER
01:17Is it the number of times Dolly Parton's face moved whilst her...
01:22LAUGHTER
01:23Hey, hey, hey, hey.
01:24Are you loving the day?
01:25Hey, you can attack anything on this show,
01:27but you do not attack Dolly Parton.
01:29No, no, no.
01:30You have come into my house and attacked Dolly Parton
01:32between the hours of nine and five.
01:35LAUGHTER
01:36Is it, erm...
01:37Is it what most Glastonbury goers dread doing the most?
01:41LAUGHTER
01:43Is it the number of Milibands it takes to ruin a party?
01:47LAUGHTER
01:48Is it which number most looks like a man kneeling to vomit in a lavatory?
01:53LAUGHTER
01:55Is it the number of tracks on a CD of the Cheeky Girls Best Of compilation?
02:05LAUGHTER
02:06Is it the number of footballers you can bite before you get really told off?
02:10LAUGHTER
02:12APPLAUSE
02:17Is it, erm, if Jeremy Kyle and Jeremy Clarkson went into a room,
02:22how many people in that room would be pricks called Jeremy?
02:25LAUGHTER
02:26Surely this...
02:27This is...
02:28This is Desmond Tutu's middle name.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:32APPLAUSE
02:36Ed, erm, the correct answer for your count, please.
02:38Is it...
02:39What's the highest number Ranulph Fiennes can count to?
02:42LAUGHTER
02:46I wouldn't finish that one.
02:48Is it the votes against Junker?
02:51Junker works for me.
02:52You're absolutely right.
02:53It is...
02:54APPLAUSE
02:59Yes, the question I was looking for was,
03:00how many European leaders voted against Jean-Claude Junker
03:03for President of the European Commission?
03:05This is the news that at a summit in Brussels,
03:07David Cameron was only able to persuade one other European leader,
03:10the Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban,
03:12to join him in voting against Junker with 26 voting for.
03:1626 to defeat for Cameron.
03:192016, nobody was impressed with that.
03:21The only person who was impressed with that was Roy Hodgson,
03:24who thought getting two was a great result against the tough European team.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:30We can't even get people to vote for us in Eurovision.
03:32How are we going to win actual politics?
03:34LAUGHTER
03:36What has been your reaction to Cameron among the European press?
03:38They called him the Wayne Rooney of the election thing, which...
03:41And they didn't mean that in a good way? They didn't mean in a kind of a...
03:43No, they meant it because Wayne Rooney is also very much in favour of decentralisation from Brussels.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:50Cameron's threat was that this will make it more likely that Britain will leave the EU.
03:54And there is a general ramping up, you can see, of anti-EU sentiment,
03:57obviously, during the European elections.
03:59Only this week, the Daily Express ran this headline, this incredible...
04:02So, 450 new EU laws, ruining Britain.
04:06You know, I mean, you just go,
04:07Oh, my God, I can't...
04:08What are these laws that are ruining Britain?
04:09And they put a little box of eight of the ones they thought they were most likely to ruin Britain.
04:14I'm just going to read a couple of them now, and you can just go,
04:16Oh, my God, the country's got a bet!
04:18It's ruined now.
04:19One of them was,
04:20It will be illegal to ship a live dog, cat or ferret,
04:23without a health certificate, signed by a vet.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:27That strikes at the very heart, which is what Britain is for me.
04:30The people's ability to bring their ferret just on a whim.
04:35Do you know what?
04:37Do you know what?
04:38Fit, fit, fit, fit, fit, fit, skinny thing?
04:40I'm going to bring you to sea in Europe.
04:42OK?
04:43Ow, ow, ow, ow!
04:45Another one that's ruining Britain,
04:47these laws will set out the difference between fruit juice from concentrate
04:51and concentrated fruit juice.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:55Now, that makes perfect sense.
04:57Fruit juice from concentrated is the thing you can do.
04:59Concentrated fruit juice is the bit you have to put water to
05:02to turn it into fruit juice from concentrate, right?
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05It is about time this country learned the difference,
05:07cos I'm sick of accidentally pouring Ribena
05:09and then staring at it going,
05:11Have I diluted this enough?
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13Oh, somebody's going to have to taste this.
05:15I'm not going to taste this.
05:16This could be death in a cup.
05:18Oh, no, no.
05:19Mmm!
05:20Mmm!
05:21Meanwhile, by the way, which Conservative campaign backfired this weekend?
05:24Oh.
05:25This was getting Eric Pickles to wear lycra.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:29This was the campaign to try and see how many working-class Tory MPs
05:33they could find.
05:34Yes.
05:35And they could only find 14 out of 300 that they thought could be
05:39considered working-class.
05:41Which was slightly more than the Labour Party could manage.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45I'm working-class and I'm a Tory.
05:47That's Taurus.
05:48Taurus.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:50Sorry.
05:57The problem is that, for most Tories,
05:59I think hardship is going to Durham University.
06:01That's, like, the worst thing.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03That's the thing, isn't it?
06:04Because it doesn't matter, you know,
06:06if they're working-class background or not,
06:08what the policies are.
06:09I don't care if somebody goes,
06:10We don't give a shit about the NHS!
06:11You know, I don't think,
06:12Oh, well, you're working-class, so...
06:13You have Dick Van Dyke saying a cheery song about privatising.
06:17We're shutting you all down!
06:18We're shutting you all down!
06:19Let's not get involved in doing each other's accents, Romesh.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24Because that's going to look like a lot worse for me.
06:26But that's the thing, that's the thing, you know,
06:28it'd be like, you know,
06:29I can't suddenly rebrand the Tories as, like,
06:31a working-class party.
06:32It would be like me doing that,
06:33just coming on and playing the immigrant vote,
06:34going,
06:35Oh, hello, darling, I'm so glad you're here!
06:37LAUGHTER
06:38Thank you so much for having me all,
06:42a very great one!
06:43You've got to suddenly stop pulling that out.
06:45I don't know why you can't be doing that!
06:47LAUGHTER
06:48Don't knock the boat, right?
06:51No, it's fine, cos...
06:52But then I could do you,
06:54not literally, Rob,
06:55don't get excited.
06:56Barking up the wrong to you, sweetie.
06:58Erm...
06:59Oh, oi!
07:00Oh, oi!
07:01Oh, oi!
07:02Oh, oi!
07:03Oh, come out!
07:04Oh, come out!
07:05Among your many gifts,
07:06and ear for accent!
07:07Yeah!
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09APPLAUSE
07:10Is that your...?
07:12Oh, I'm turning!
07:14Oh, I'm turning!
07:15Oh, I'm turning!
07:16Why is it so slow?
07:17It's like, I'm coming round from an operation!
07:19LAUGHTER
07:20I'm like,
07:21Oh, Mum, why is the man bad?
07:23But that is...
07:24But that is...
07:25I'm externalised!
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27You'll swim, wouldn't it be better?
07:29I've got to get up that chimney!
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33The point is...
07:34To me, Rob,
07:35That is exactly what you sound like.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38Is this you trying to make sure that we've done...?
07:40I've sent a little bit of tension on my team.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43To be honest, to be honest,
07:44I, I, I, I, I hesitated to call the team,
07:46and...
07:47..where about the point!
07:48..where about the point!
07:49Shall we please go back to the Tories?
07:50Sorry.
07:51Well, there was this Tory MP David Amess
07:54He has apparently been doing
07:56all of the research into Tory working-class MPs.
07:58He said he was working-class
08:00because he didn't have a telephone when he was growing up,
08:03he had to lean out the window and shout very loudly.
08:07And I still have to do that at my home,
08:10that's just due to the level of reception that I get from OT.
08:15I didn't know, like, I've been working class,
08:18but I didn't know Radio 4 existed until I was asked to be on it.
08:21I thought...
08:23No, no, cos I thought it was one of them new ones,
08:30like One Extra or the Asian Network or something like that,
08:33you know, one of the digital ones.
08:34Do you know what's happening here, though?
08:36I didn't mean to be rude, you sound really lovely.
08:38It's almost... We're like opposites.
08:41It's like, you know, a tract.
08:43We could end up together.
08:45What does it make us feel like?
08:49Sorry, this could be like Katie Price and Peter Andre.
08:52I don't know.
08:53I don't know.
08:54I don't know.
08:55It would be a spin-off on BBC Three
08:57of how this relationship is going.
08:59In other news, under proposed health guidelines,
09:02what could we see banished from our diets?
09:04Sugar.
09:05Sugar.
09:06Sugar's very, very bad for you.
09:07And there's a lot of sugar in fizzy drinks.
09:09Your daily requirement of sugar is in one single can of Coke.
09:12This was released by the Department of...
09:14You already know this.
09:16Who is the Minister of...
09:18Come on, do we have to keep telling you this stuff?
09:21Just put it down.
09:23It is a fruit juice problem, isn't it?
09:25Because fruit juice apparently contains as much sugar as fizzy drinks.
09:28So, in which case, the man from Del Monte, he say,
09:31Oh, shit.
09:33I'm just thinking, I always knew OJ was a killer.
09:45I'm just going to stop watching that at 14 years.
09:50What I love about that is how you can put that straight on Dave.
09:54Yeah.
09:55The problem with drinking, the problem with just drinking water is,
10:00it just tastes like your mouth, doesn't it?
10:03I don't want to taste my mouth.
10:05They want to ban fizzy drinks.
10:06I don't know how they're going to come into my house and stop me doing it,
10:09but I think if they ban it and make me drink water,
10:11then the opposite should apply.
10:13And when I go swimming, I should be allowed to swim in, like, Fanta.
10:16The thing is, they give you all these warnings, but, like, I can't,
10:21you know, I just ignore it, because the warnings aren't strong enough.
10:24Like, I can't stop smoking, for example.
10:26You know, like, they tell you all these bad things,
10:28like heart disease, lung disease, I can't stop.
10:30Like, they could tell me, like, they were going to take my children away
10:33if I didn't stop smoking.
10:35I'd, like, cut down to ten.
10:3920% of kids they reckon now are obese by the time they leave junior school
10:44aged 11.
10:45So somebody needs to tell them that big school is just a name.
10:50It's not a description they have to live up to.
10:55It's the language they use. It's a paper thing, isn't it?
10:57Because the headline that I saw said that we had,
11:00the government, have declared war on sugar.
11:03It's not really a war, is it?
11:05Nobody's gone, well, it's morning, we wrote to Tate and Lyle.
11:09No response has been forthcoming.
11:14I'm afraid to tell you from this moment, we are at war with sugar.
11:20There is no war.
11:23There is no war.
11:25There is no war.
11:27We're always using this term, war on drugs.
11:31We've had, you know, war on sugar, war on drugs.
11:33And actually, you look at those two things.
11:35That's two opposite things.
11:36Sugar makes kids fat.
11:38Drugs make kids thin.
11:40Maybe there's some middle ground.
11:42In a family situation, smack can be a punishment and a reward.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:51OK, at the end of that round,
11:52of course, everybody, Rob Sheehan and Randy!
11:58Now we play a round called Gag of Thrones.
12:01This game involves Rob and Hal,
12:03so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
12:05This round is a stand-up challenge.
12:07I launch a wheel of news and whoever chooses to stop,
12:09one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
12:11OK, here we go.
12:13Let's spin the wheel.
12:15First topic is holidays.
12:16Who wants to come in at?
12:17Rob.
12:19I love a holiday.
12:20I'm terrible at the languages, though, when I go away.
12:22Do you know what I mean?
12:23I still say jalapeno.
12:25I know it's jalapeno,
12:26but I don't speak English properly.
12:27I don't know why I should start having a go at Mexican.
12:29LAUGHTER
12:32I like getting on the plane.
12:33The plane's fine.
12:34I still love the little symbol that says no smoking.
12:36I was like, why have they still got that there?
12:37When was the last time we saw someone trying to smoke on a plane?
12:39They might as well have no barbecues up there.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:43I've never seen anyone on a plane like...
12:45Sorry, sir, no smoking.
12:47Since when?!
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49I get worried on a plane with a little ashtray.
12:51I think, how old's this plane?!
12:53LAUGHTER
12:54I went to Barcelona recently with the in-laws and me girlfriend.
12:57They're a bit posh and stuff.
12:58They go out for dinner and I've got a bit of a basic palate.
13:00They're all eating weird food.
13:01They go, oh, Rob, do you want some cured meats?
13:03I was like, depends what I was wrong with it in the first place.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:07I don't do paella, either.
13:09It's just busy rice, isn't it?
13:11LAUGHTER
13:12It's a special fried rice that's got well out of hand.
13:14LAUGHTER
13:16I think, as well, in Barcelona, what's weird is,
13:19they try and sell you drugs late at night.
13:21It's really odd.
13:22I was walking along and I was a bit hungry,
13:23so I hadn't eaten any dinner.
13:24And this bloke came up and was like, coke, weed, pills?
13:26I was like, no, thanks, mate.
13:27I was like, after a bit of KFC.
13:28Right?
13:29He goes, KFC?
13:30I've got a bit of that.
13:31I was like, no you ever, mate.
13:33Not unless you've got a deep fat fry in your bum bag.
13:36LAUGHTER
13:37As I go to walk off,
13:38he whips out a little plastic bag of powdery stuff like,
13:40here it is, KFC.
13:41I'm like, yeah, of course it is, mate.
13:42And I walk off.
13:43Ten minutes later, I think to myself,
13:45what if that was a secret blend of 11 herbs and spices?
13:48LAUGHTER
13:50APPLAUSE
13:52APPLAUSE
13:54OK, that leaves us with Hal.
13:56Let's see what you've been left with.
13:57Let's spin the wheel again.
13:59And the subject is marriage.
14:05Right.
14:06I have been married 14 years.
14:10I know, I look too young.
14:12People say silly things when we've been married a certain amount of time.
14:15If you say, oh, we've been married 14 years,
14:16people say things like, oh, you get less for murder.
14:19Ah!
14:20You don't!
14:21I've checked.
14:23LAUGHTER
14:26Why do people compare marriage to prison as well?
14:29There's far more sex in prison, isn't there?
14:32LAUGHTER
14:34I am joking, obviously.
14:35My wife is absolutely my best friend.
14:37My best friend in the world, she is.
14:38Obviously, I'm not her best friend.
14:39No.
14:40Lisa's her best friend.
14:41LAUGHTER
14:42LAUGHTER
14:46But we've got two children as well, two girls, thank God,
14:50cos I'd be rubbish with boys, wouldn't I?
14:52Imagine a little boy coming from school saying,
14:54Daddy, Billy Smith has got to bring £2 for school every day
14:57or else I'm going to get a kicking.
14:58I'm like, look, calm down.
14:59Ask Billy if we can set up some sort of direct debit.
15:01Whatever's easiest for him.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:04But my daughters...
15:05My daughters worry about me.
15:07I know that's wrong.
15:08My oldest daughter, she came up to me when she was about eight,
15:11she did this, and this is absolutely true,
15:12came up to me very seriously and said,
15:15Daddy, are you gay?
15:18LAUGHTER
15:20My mum, my mum was always convinced I was gay.
15:23I was to bring my wife and kids over to dinner,
15:26my mum would be going,
15:27Ooh, still living in denial.
15:28Shut up, Mum.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30When I was 16, I bought my first proper girlfriend home,
15:34and I said to my mum, can she stay over in my room?
15:37My mum was like...
15:39LAUGHTER
15:41LAUGHTER
15:43OK.
15:44But don't stay up all night talking about boys.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:49APPLAUSE
15:51OK, very good.
15:52Point to Hal there.
15:53Well done. Thank you very much.
15:55Bravo.
15:56Coming to town.
15:57APPLAUSE
15:59Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
16:03I showed the panel a topical image and asked them to tell me what's happening.
16:06So, what's going on here?
16:08LAUGHTER
16:09Yeah.
16:10Is it from the Uruguayan Daily News?
16:13Shoulder-wielding thug.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:17Hurts our hero's precious tooth enamel.
16:21LAUGHTER
16:22Is it three men trying to make up the French flag
16:26and having a massive argument about it?
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30Is it the goalkeeper, the bloke in red, going,
16:32I have an itch.
16:33Just there.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:35Just in the back of my knee.
16:36There.
16:37Just there, there's going.
16:38LAUGHTER
16:39Is it Suarez imagines a half-time orange?
16:42LAUGHTER
16:44Is it England's opponent's play sitting down to give England a chance?
16:49LAUGHTER
16:50APPLAUSE
16:51And you know it actually is.
16:55Is it the Luis Suarez bite?
16:57Of course it is, absolutely.
16:58Thank you very much, Rob Beckett.
17:00APPLAUSE
17:02Yes, of course, it's Luis Suarez,
17:04who has been banned from all football-related activity for four months
17:08after FIFA found him guilty of biting Italian opponent Giorgio Chiellin.
17:12That's all, that's collecting stickers, that's creepy-uppy.
17:17If he goes online to play FIFA, it'll go, no.
17:20LAUGHTER
17:21It'll stop him nothing.
17:23Nothing.
17:24He gets out of the team photo, he gets out of training,
17:26so basically if you bite people, you get out of doing stuff.
17:29So if I bit my mother-in-law, can I get out of that christenin on Sunday?
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33I'd imagine so.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35So his argument in his defence was,
17:38I lost my balance, falling on top of my opponent,
17:41hitting my face against him.
17:43It was at that point in which my penis entered the vacuum cleaner.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:48That's why I'm in...
17:49To yours as well.
17:50..in this accident and emergency room.
17:53I thought it was quite erotic, because it was just...
17:56It was like, ah...
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59And er, I mean, for me, when I've bitten people in the past...
18:06Yes.
18:07LAUGHTER
18:08..I would er, bite my initials into the back of the person
18:12that I was...
18:13What's wrong with that?!
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15It just so...
18:16Just it.
18:17What are you, Zorro?
18:18No, but you would just...
18:20As they were sleeping, just gently...
18:22You'd mark them, mark them, gently,
18:24know your initials into them.
18:26How heavily sedated were these balls?
18:28Oh, yes.
18:29I'm just a little cut, mate!
18:32Getting bit on the back!
18:34All I'm saying is, actually, not since Top Gun,
18:37have I seen such a homo-erotic scene...
18:40It was quite, you know, I'll do that.
18:42Because he came from nowhere and then came in and...
18:44He didn't quite nuzzle the man, it has to be said.
18:46He's doing nothing for people with big teeth, is he?
18:48I think you've got lovely teeth.
18:49You have lovely teeth.
18:50Thanks.
18:51But when you was at school and you had big teeth,
18:53people were like, oh, you're going to bite me?
18:55But now, yeah.
18:57LAUGHTER
19:04People, loads of people actually gathered outside his house, didn't they?
19:07Loads of fans gathered outside his face.
19:08Because apparently it's very easy to spot his house,
19:10because there's a sign on the gate which says,
19:14the dog is the least of your worries.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:22If he's not allowed to take part in any football-related activity,
19:25he could actually just come and play for England, couldn't he?
19:27LAUGHTER
19:29Did you see that the Uruguayan head of state, he came out, didn't he,
19:33in support of Suarez?
19:34That was embarrassing, yeah.
19:35What did he say?
19:36He said, FIFA are a bunch of old bastards.
19:39LAUGHTER
19:40That's interesting for a head of state, isn't it?
19:42You wouldn't expect the Queen to come out and go,
19:44well, Set Blatter, what a tosser he is!
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47He went over from the balcony going, wanker!
19:50LAUGHTER
19:52What sort of reception did the England players get on their return?
19:55Nothing.
19:56Yeah, nothing.
19:57One man and a dog turned out.
19:58The crowd turned out, this is at the airport where the England players...
20:03It's not that surprising that nobody showed up.
20:06The England team spent almost as long in baggage reclaim
20:09as they did in the group stages.
20:12LAUGHTER
20:13She's not even a fan, that one.
20:15She's the official who looks for illegally shipped ferrets.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:19I got quoted in the Sun during the week
20:21because I tweeted midway to, I think,
20:23South Korea's last group game,
20:25because I was just sick of every time we just cut to
20:27another unfeasibly glamorous people
20:29who've clearly been put in by FIFA to create this image of,
20:32yeah, come to FIFA World Cup events.
20:34It's where fun people hang out!
20:36Rather than what football matches properly are,
20:38which is, fat blokes from Newcastle,
20:40er, stripped to the waist in December going,
20:42oh, yeah!
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45And the amount of people who got really angry at me
20:47for taking our women away, er...
20:49LAUGHTER
20:50So, basically, you irritated loads of people last week
20:52and now you're mentioning it again
20:53so as you can irritate them one more time.
20:55LAUGHTER
20:56It was quite funny to watch it get angry a bit.
20:57What I noticed was when it's like a penalty shootout
20:59and they focus in on the crowd and they're all worried,
21:01oh, my God, we're going to go to the World Cup
21:02and then go,
21:03big screen!
21:04Yeah!
21:05LAUGHTER
21:08It's on the internet where Lion's been, he's on the big screen,
21:10he's got his hat cut,
21:11something like that and then you see him just look like that
21:12and he goes...
21:13LAUGHTER
21:14LAUGHTER
21:15He's all lappy!
21:17The thing is, it just adds a pressure that you...
21:19I don't know how everyone else watches the football
21:21but I enjoy the football immensely and, er,
21:23especially when, you know, all day and you just
21:25make yourself comfortable.
21:26So, it's pants and vest, it's a die-hard outfit
21:28and, er, you dress like John McLean,
21:31you've got several tubs of Pringles so you can alternate
21:33between them.
21:34Yeah.
21:35Because I can fit my whole fist in a...
21:36Oh, Pringles.
21:37And, er...
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39So, you're there, you've got crisps on you,
21:41the cat's licking it off your face.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:44And you're just lying.
21:45And then, on the screen there's this,
21:47beautiful Brazilian woman,
21:48like,
21:50and you're like, fuck you!
21:51Just fuck you!
21:52LAUGHTER
21:53I agree.
21:54I entirely agree.
21:55APPLAUSE
21:57It also, it creates a false impression.
21:59And also, one of the joys of watching sport,
22:01all sport is half that room are really unhappy.
22:04I want to see the unhappy one.
22:06Show me the child whose face got painted,
22:08now crying it off.
22:10LAUGHTER
22:12I want to watch it sport,
22:13not like, hey, we're so beautiful!
22:15We're so...
22:16LAUGHTER
22:17That's why I tune in.
22:18Right, er...
22:19And you're the tearful scouts,
22:20that's football!
22:22The thief is like, oh!
22:23John-jong-jong-jong-jong-jong-jong-jong-jong.
22:25No!
22:26That's not football,
22:27that's not sport at all.
22:28LAUGHTER
22:29At the end of that round,
22:30the points go to Rob, Susan and Andy!
22:32APPLAUSE
22:34APPLAUSE
22:36Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
22:38so if everyone can make their way
22:39to the performance area, please.
22:40I'll read out this week's topics
22:42and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
22:45The first subject tonight is...
22:47Things a sports commentator would never say.
22:50LAUGHTER
22:51Apologies, er, the sport you're watching
22:55is apparently squash.
22:57And not, as I said earlier,
22:59tennis in prison.
23:01LAUGHTER
23:03APPLAUSE
23:05Oh, I am sorry,
23:07you don't need a lip reader to see what he said
23:09after that challenge.
23:11He said,
23:12Fuck off!
23:13LAUGHTER
23:15One hundred and eighty!
23:20This man is rubbish at golf.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:25Knee-ow!
23:27Knee-ow!
23:28Knee-ow!
23:29Knee-ow!
23:30He's clearly hurt his knee.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:34Italy have had three shots in the second half.
23:38Tetanus, rabies and hepatitis.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:41APPLAUSE
23:43And here come the Coxless Four,
23:47so the women's tennis doubles can begin.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:51APPLAUSE
23:53And as we wait for the final of the butterfly,
23:57it's hard to believe that just yesterday
23:59all these competitors were still caterpillars.
24:02LAUGHTER
24:07And there's a new event here
24:09at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.
24:12Yes, get ready for shouting at your own reflection
24:15in a shop window.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:22Wow, unbelievable service.
24:24Three full bars on T-Mobile.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:28LAUGHTER
24:30And there's been a nasty clash
24:31in the Nigeria-Brazil game,
24:33lime green with yellow.
24:35Argh!
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37LAUGHTER
24:38For those of you who want to watch
24:40the equestrian events,
24:42get your butler to press the red button now.
24:45LAUGHTER
24:47APPLAUSE
24:49Welcome to the Nazi Pro-Am Golf Tournament.
24:53Hitler, as usual,
24:55is in the bunker.
24:57LAUGHTER
25:02Wayne Rooney has managed a full 90.
25:04Previously, his eldest was 76.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08APPLAUSE
25:12And the Queen takes the Bishop.
25:15This is turning out to be quite the royal wedding.
25:18LAUGHTER
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21And Suarez is being substituted.
25:23He's not injured, he's just full.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:27LAUGHTER
25:28LAUGHTER
25:29What an incredible backhand there from the Qatari president.
25:34LAUGHTER
25:35APPLAUSE
25:37APPLAUSE
25:38All right.
25:39The next topic is...
25:41Unlikely lines from a thriller.
25:46We meet at last, Mr Bond.
25:48I'm from the child support agency.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:52LAUGHTER
25:53I will look for you.
25:57I will find you.
25:58And when I do,
25:59you count to ten and try and find me.
26:01LAUGHTER
26:03APPLAUSE
26:05The story about the man that was killed getting a blowjob.
26:10Die hard.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:13LAUGHTER
26:14I have your wife.
26:18And unless you give me 15 million dollars,
26:22I will give her back to you.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:26LAUGHTER
26:27LAUGHTER
26:30Someone in here is the killer.
26:33Is it John?
26:35Is it Sally?
26:36Or is it that massive bear?
26:39LAUGHTER
26:41LAUGHTER
26:42OK, let me talk to the Navy Seals.
26:56Oink, oink!
26:58LAUGHTER
27:04They were strangers on a train.
27:06And they remained that way because they were British.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:12LAUGHTER
27:13The cause of death is unknown,
27:15but his last words were...
27:17Parachutes of a pussy!
27:19LAUGHTER
27:21LAUGHTER
27:22LAUGHTER
27:23LAUGHTER
27:25There's a mole in our organisation.
27:27Toad, ratty, badger.
27:30Any idea who it might be?
27:32LAUGHTER
27:33LAUGHTER
27:34You are too late.
27:38Too late.
27:39Look at the timer.
27:40In 15 seconds,
27:42my ready meal will be ready.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:45LAUGHTER
27:51Say hello to my little friend, Alan.
27:54Hello.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:57The truth!
27:59You can't handle the truth!
28:01So thank you for signing up to the Mail Online website.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:10And that was the horrible moment that the comedian realised
28:12it wasn't a good thing to look like an Asian Rolf Harris.
28:16LAUGHTER
28:18OK, at the end of that round, the point's going to rob Susan and Andy!
28:22APPLAUSE
28:24That's the end of the show.
28:26This week's winners are Andy Parton, Susan Carman and Rob Beckett!
28:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:33COMMISERATIONS TO ROMA TRUNK AND NATHAN, HUGH DELLIS AND HOWARD CRUTTENDON!
28:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:39I'm Dara Breen.
28:40Good night.
28:41MUSIC
28:42MUSIC
28:43MUSIC
28:44MUSIC
28:45MUSIC
28:46MUSIC
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