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00:00Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
00:29I'm Dara O'Brien.
00:30Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sarah Pascoe and Rob Beckett,
00:34Ramesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
00:44We start with a round call, if this is the answer, what is the question?
00:47On the board are six categories.
00:48Sarah, which category would you like?
00:50Politics, please.
00:51OK.
00:52The category is politics.
00:53The answer is oil, money and missiles.
00:56What is the question?
00:57Is that, erm, hashtag Iraq war spoilers?
01:01Actually, how is Chelsea football club funded?
01:06Is it the three things you need to get on the property ladder?
01:10Is it the rejected title for Tony Blair's autobiography?
01:16Oh!
01:17Lot of Blair fans here.
01:18Yeah, largely.
01:19Is it the Middle East version of rock, paper, scissors?
01:23Is it three things that A&E nurses have found up people's bottoms?
01:38Is it three things America looks for in an enemy?
01:42What tour party are we getting into this show?
01:49There's people over there I'm really annoyed who are huge fans of Wars and Tony Blair.
01:53I'm very sorry.
01:55Is it, since I've grown a beard, what I'm most likely to be searched for at an airport?
01:59Is it what does Abukatada shout at the moment of orgasm?
02:04I'm going to move towards the correct answer again.
02:08Is it, I lost a stone on which diet?
02:11The correct answer is this is things that are going to be affected if Scotland get independence.
02:20That is, yeah.
02:21Whatever it is, it's about Scottish independence.
02:25It is.
02:26Or as I like to call it, the Great British Break-off.
02:29Do you know, my big worry about the whole Scottish independence thing is what happened,
02:36how they introduced Friday morning, how they introduced Good Morning Britain.
02:39Well, I presume what happened, if it's a yes vote, is that on one of the Good Morning shows,
02:43we will see live footage of Lorraine Kelly being arrested and put into a back of a truck
02:49with other well-known Scottish people and being sent back to Scotland
02:53to host a show if she wants up there.
02:55Who knows how she, she'll forage for berries or something, I don't know.
02:58She and other Scots will this and be being driven away and dumped at the border
03:03and I don't applaud that. It clearly is, isn't it?
03:07It hasn't come true, right, Diary?
03:09Yeah, yeah.
03:10That'll show them, that'll show the ones who had no vote.
03:13I'm quite excited for them to go independent, though,
03:15because then when I have a Scotch egg, I can claim to like foreign food.
03:18Yeah, I eat it around, I have some delicacies.
03:24Scotch eggs, not even in the UN.
03:26How foreign's that?
03:27The worry, though, is that as the economy collapses,
03:32they'll go from Scotch eggs and all I have in the end is like mini Scotch eggs.
03:36Which are nicer, in my opinion.
03:38What if it goes really well and they end up really rich
03:40and they become like olden-time kings and start putting Scotch eggs inside Scotch eggs inside Scotch eggs?
03:44Oh, my God, they're like a duck egg inside, like an emu egg,
03:48and then they're like a fabergé to build the outside of it,
03:50and then they'll put sausage on the outside of that.
03:52Why don't they just encase the whole of Scotland in sausage meat?
03:56We're not reverting to calling it Scotchland, all right?
03:58What's that Scotch eggs?
04:00I was talking about Scotch eggs and it'll be like Scotchland.
04:04It's too late, Scotchland. I'm sorry, Scotland.
04:06It's too late, too late now, mate.
04:08It's either one way or another.
04:10I thought Scotch eggs were where Scottish people came from.
04:16I think we're probably not reflecting the tenor of the debate
04:18as it occurred for the last two weeks.
04:19That's what makes me laugh when they'll say,
04:20oh, you can't say anything because they might sway people's opinion,
04:23as if they're going to go,
04:24well, I was going to write no, but Rob Beckett had a good point about Scotch eggs.
04:28The people who actually did join in during the campaign,
04:32how much of an effect did they have?
04:34Well, I mean, David Cameron, he went up to Scotland, didn't he?
04:36He referred to himself as the effing Tories.
04:38Yeah.
04:39I don't think my Scottish people had any clue what he was talking about.
04:41If he'd said seeing Tories...
04:45You sort of came across like one of these teachers
04:47that was trying to be all really cool, like,
04:49hey, guys, you know, I know you're worried about the bloody exams.
04:52Do you know what I mean?
04:53It's so hard, isn't it?
04:55But I was just listening to some rap music on my way over here.
04:58I just wish I'm totally down with the struggle.
05:01Do you know what I mean?
05:02Shut up, mate.
05:04I don't think you can lose one-tenth of your population
05:06and one-third of your landmass and stay Prime Minister.
05:08Especially when you're the Prime Minister
05:10of the Conservative and Unionist Party,
05:12which is their full title.
05:14Which you know he's got previous, didn't he?
05:15He lost his daughter at the pub.
05:16I find it funny that all, like, the banks are having to move,
05:21and all the businesses are having to move.
05:23Like, the banks are moving down to England.
05:25I feel sorry for the Scottish widow.
05:27She's just lost her husband.
05:28Now she's got to move country.
05:37One of my biggest worries, genuinely, is that if the Scots go,
05:40we lose the most trusted accent in the United Kingdom.
05:44If you call up a health call centre, you want someone to go,
05:47OK, calm down, sir.
05:49I'm a trusted NHS operative.
05:52Calm down.
05:53And what are we left with?
05:54Someone goes,
05:55CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!
05:58The wife's not breathing, don't worry about it!
06:03I really think you might have missed the boat
06:04in worrying about call centres moving.
06:06Yes.
06:08People keep talking about what will happen
06:10with Scotland's relationship to Europe,
06:12if they get a yes vote.
06:13But what about if they really have enjoyed this process,
06:16and so they leave the Great Britain,
06:17and then they decide they want to leave Europe,
06:19and then they decide they want to leave the world,
06:22and they just become a second moon,
06:24orbiting us from above.
06:26It's a dynamic utopia.
06:28Would they still do Scotch eggs?
06:29Yeah.
06:30Quite.
06:31I think Scotland have to stay in the EU,
06:33because the very name, EU,
06:35sounds like a Glaswegian trying to start a fight.
06:39What knock-on effect could it have for the EU?
06:41Oh, well, Spain are worried about it, aren't they?
06:43Because they'll break up.
06:45Yeah.
06:46And the Basques.
06:47Yes.
06:48And the Basques.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Which is a form of underwear.
06:51I don't know how you give a form of underwear independence.
06:54Just take it off.
06:55Yeah.
06:56Oh, OK.
07:04The shipping forecast is going to be a bit buggered, I think.
07:06It's going to have to change.
07:07Is the weather forecast going to pretend that Scotland has no weather?
07:11Well, I think it will probably go...
07:12Are all the weather maps going to stop at Northumberland?
07:14Well, I think it will simply go...
07:15And the way it will go to...
07:16Here.
07:17The shipping forecast will go Thames, White, Dover.
07:21Slight, becoming moderate later.
07:23Cromarty, Hebrides, fourth.
07:25Get your own forecast.
07:27We know, but we're not going to tell you.
07:31Everyone laughed at Mel Gibson in Braveheart, but he predicted this.
07:36Yeah, I...
07:37I'll take that away from him.
07:39I know, I blame Mel Gibson, and he blames the blacks and the Jews.
07:43Oh, does it?
07:44Oh, does it? I've not seen that film.
07:47This conspiracy goes really deep, doesn't it?
07:50Braveheart 2 is a very different film.
07:53Sean Connery's come out, though, hasn't he?
07:55Sean Connery's come out for a...
07:57He's gay! What?
07:59I'm not surprised.
08:02There's always one person, when somebody says,
08:05I knew, I always knew.
08:07Sean Connery supports the Yes campaign but doesn't want to live there.
08:11Cos he's worried if he obviously lives there,
08:13that it'll change the way he speaks
08:15and it's going to ruin his vast array of accents.
08:17So...
08:19The two sides are saying two different things, aren't they?
08:21So the No campaign...
08:23Well, yes, yes, the No campaign...
08:25That's fine.
08:31Fantastic, I'm looking forward to it.
08:33You know, particularly just because, being Irish,
08:35I've stayed out of the whole debate, I found it quite funny,
08:37from an independent country,
08:39that people go, well, it's been a very bitter debate.
08:41A very bitter debate here.
08:42People were mean to me on Twitter.
08:44Oh, really?
08:45Oh, really mean to me on Twitter.
08:46During the Irish War of Independence,
08:47my granny hid in a ditch from British soldiers
08:49for an entire night.
08:51So, boo-hoo, Twitter girl.
08:59Meanwhile, what has George Osborne asked the public to design?
09:02Is it a plan for the economy?
09:07No, it is not.
09:11It's a really bad funny...
09:15It's a new pound coin.
09:16Yes, it is a new pound coin.
09:17It's a new pound coin, yes.
09:18It's a new pound coin, but they won't...
09:19Because it's such a big thing,
09:20they're not going to decide, are they,
09:21before the referendum's over?
09:22They're not coming out for a few years yet.
09:23No.
09:24Shall we just not hedge our bets and put Charles on it?
09:25Just in mind?
09:28They talk about designing pound coins.
09:30They've been designing pound coins round my way for years.
09:3220 for 15 quid, if you're interested.
09:36Do they do their own...?
09:37I'd like to think that foragers do their own designs.
09:39Yeah.
09:40They're banging, oh, yeah, that'll be one of mine.
09:42That'll be one of mine, isn't there?
09:43It should be something that reflects the status and value
09:45of the pound coin.
09:46That's what the design should be, shouldn't it?
09:47So, I think the design should probably have a picture
09:49of, like, a shopping trolley on it,
09:51and on the other side it should say, token.
09:54LAUGHTER
09:57It's going to have the coin's head on one side, isn't it?
09:59Yes, that remains.
10:00And, you know, and obviously, you know,
10:02every coin's got a head and a tail,
10:03so if it's got the royal head on one side,
10:05surely it should have a royal arse on the other side.
10:08Prince Andrew, he'd fit the bill, wouldn't he?
10:10LAUGHTER
10:11They should bring back £1 notes.
10:13That was much more fun, wasn't it?
10:14It's just better if one feels rich.
10:15That was not in our lifetime, though.
10:16No, I had one out of currency, just cos it was like...
10:18Player?
10:19LAUGHTER
10:21That was not in your lifetime, what?
10:23No, I'm only young.
10:24Bloody hell, what?
10:25Really?
10:26When were you born?
10:27I'm 86.
10:28Yeah, it wasn't in your lifetime.
10:29LAUGHTER
10:31How long have we been doing this show?
10:33I remember when it was, like,
10:34Roy Bremner and Frank,
10:36who are these children?
10:37I don't know.
10:38One day we'll be sitting in your seats,
10:40telling people we met you.
10:41LAUGHTER
10:46You know, back in the drink.
10:48Oh, you know.
10:50Oh, look at that.
10:51Are we doing?
10:52Before the allegations.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55APPLAUSE
10:56Thanks, yeah.
10:58At the end of that round,
11:00the points go to Ron O'Shea and Gary.
11:03APPLAUSE
11:05Now, we come to a round called
11:09Mock-Eye the News.
11:11CHEERING
11:12This game involves Sarah and Gary.
11:14So, if you could make your way
11:15to the performance area, please.
11:16This round is a stand-up challenge.
11:17I launch the Wheel of News,
11:18and whoever chooses to stop,
11:19one of our performers must step forward
11:21and talk about that subject.
11:22OK, let's spin the wheel.
11:24The first subject is technology.
11:28Who's going...
11:29Sarah?
11:30Hello.
11:31I would...
11:32I'd love to be a dictator.
11:34I think I'd be absolutely brilliant at it.
11:36I think you should all vote for me
11:37in your last act of democracy.
11:38And then, on my first day,
11:40I would ban Facebook.
11:42Facebook is my enemy.
11:43Right, I'll tell you what happens.
11:45My boyfriend will be at home
11:46in a different room on his computer
11:47and he'll shout out something
11:48that you would think was perfectly innocent.
11:50Like, oh, you never told me
11:52that Katie's been to Tunisia.
11:55Katie is my most beautiful friend.
11:57Right, she's absolutely stunning.
11:59She went to Tunisia in 2009.
12:03Which means that he's been sitting there
12:04going back through five years of photographs
12:07looking for one of her in a bikini.
12:09I blame Facebook.
12:11In the olden days,
12:12if a man fancied a woman
12:13and wanted to see a picture
12:14of her in a swimming costume,
12:16he had to open a Snappy Snaps
12:17near her house.
12:19And hope that she came in
12:21after her holidays.
12:22If you wanted to perv,
12:23you put some effort in.
12:24That should be fine.
12:26Just because I'm here
12:27on Mock the Week,
12:28I just want to tell you something.
12:29So there's two things you need to know.
12:30My name's Sarah,
12:31but without an H.
12:32So it's spelt S-A-R-A.
12:34And I've always hated that my whole life
12:36because people call me Sarah,
12:37they ask me,
12:38why don't you have an H on your name?
12:39Like, I was anything to do
12:40with that decision.
12:41Also, the other thing is,
12:43I've always heard other comedians
12:45talking about how you get a lot of abuse
12:47on Twitter and people are very horrible to you.
12:49And I've never had any.
12:50And I thought that's because
12:51I was really brilliant
12:52and everyone liked me.
12:53And then, during August,
12:55I got contacted,
12:56because I'd been on Mock the Week,
12:57I got contacted by a lady called Sarah Pascoe
13:00with an H.
13:01And she said to me,
13:03can you warn me the next time
13:04that you're on television?
13:05Because I'm getting a lot of people
13:06saying they wish I was dead or infertile.
13:09And she's a nurse in Exeter.
13:12She works like 70 hours a week
13:14doing this amazing job
13:15and now she's unwittingly acting
13:16as my complaints department.
13:18So, if you didn't like this,
13:19you know who to tell.
13:21Thank you very much, Sarah.
13:25That leaves us with Gary.
13:27Let's see what topic you have.
13:28Let's spin the wheel.
13:30The topic is nationalities.
13:33Here you go.
13:34My next door neighbour's really loud and obnoxious,
13:39so now I know how Canada feels.
13:44I bought some lamb chops.
13:45On the packet it said reared in Wales.
13:47I thought that was just a racist stereotype.
13:55This morning I made a Belgian waffle.
13:57In the afternoon I made a Frenchman talk bollocks.
13:59In Scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit.
14:08When England played Poland at Wembley
14:10there was 30,000 Polish fans in the crowd
14:12and I thought, well fair play to them.
14:14If I'd built it I'd want to have a look round as well.
14:24I like to annoy my Israeli flatmate
14:26by giving him any post
14:27that's just addressed to the occupier.
14:36I was at an Italian zoo
14:37with a Christian friend of mine
14:38so I thought, went in Rome
14:39and pushed him into the lions.
14:43Nan's going to that suicide clinic in Switzerland
14:45but don't tell her it's a surprise.
14:50My grandad was killed by a Zulu.
14:51He was having a shit at Whipsnade
14:53and the roof collapsed.
14:58Well done, very good.
15:00Points again though to Gary.
15:01Thank you very much.
15:08Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
15:10I showed the panel a topical image
15:11and asked them to tell me what's happening.
15:13So, what's going on here?
15:14That's Boris Johnson and he's finally got enough rope to hang himself.
15:22This is from a series of photographs, I believe,
15:24called Characters of Britain.
15:27This is number four,
15:29The Village Idiot.
15:33If you ever wanted a couple of Somali pirates to turn up,
15:37take him off.
15:38Is the captain saying,
15:39No, I said we need a massive anchor?
15:49Is he surrounded by all the women he's been faithful to?
15:55Is it, erm,
15:56Boris Delivers Waterside Benny Hill Tribute Act?
15:58Is it a blonde twat on a boat?
16:04That was the name of your holiday album, wasn't it?
16:05Yeah.
16:08Does anyone know what the news story is?
16:10I think it's a news story about Boris Johnson.
16:13I'll give you that.
16:15What happened this week, Boris in the News?
16:16Is it about him going, standing for election?
16:18It is, of course.
16:19Thank you very much, Rob.
16:20Well done.
16:21Rob Beck, very good.
16:23Don't have a funny all the time, guys.
16:25Get a bit of faculty.
16:26Of course, that's right.
16:27It's a picture of the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson,
16:29who this week has been selected as the Conservative candidate
16:32for Uxbridge and South Ryslip for the 2015 general election.
16:37The people of Uxbridge and South Ryslip are already celebrating.
16:41Just getting a mention.
16:43People are worried about him being Prime Minister,
16:44saying he shouldn't have his finger on the nuclear button,
16:47but let's face it, if Boris saw a button,
16:49he'd be more likely to try and undo it than actually press it.
16:53It would probably change Scotland's view of Trident,
16:55if it was Boris who was in charge of Trident,
16:57they'd probably go,
16:58yeah, we'll just look after it here.
17:01Probably at his best to.
17:02We'll take it offline and just leave it here to Glasgow,
17:04where it's nice and safe.
17:05Is it a good idea, him wanting to be Prime Minister?
17:07I mean, the rate we seem to be losing countries at the moment,
17:09Mayor of London might be the biggest job going, mate.
17:13You can't have him lead in the country.
17:15Do you give me a favour?
17:16We can't have him lead a conga line.
17:19We'll get lost somewhere.
17:20It's a massive insult to Ed Miliband, though, isn't it?
17:22Just like, we could put any old shit in, mate,
17:24and you're not going to have a chance.
17:26Cameron and Boris, they're both Eton,
17:28both Oxford, both Bullingdon.
17:30Yeah.
17:31One of them's really popular, right,
17:32and the other one is supposedly out of touch.
17:35Maybe David Cameron, instead of getting out of bed,
17:37trying to be this sort of clean-cut family man,
17:39what he needs to do is get out of somebody else's bed,
17:41put his suit on in a hedge.
17:46If he's got a canvas, he's got to get votes, hasn't he?
17:48So if someone that famous turned up at your doorstep,
17:50right, and wanted your vote,
17:52you would have fun with them, wouldn't you?
17:54If he turned up, you would go,
17:56you know, I've never voted, Tory.
17:58Go on.
18:00Say whiff-whiff.
18:05Anyway, go on that bike, fool off it.
18:08He is a shagger, though, isn't he?
18:09He's had at least three affairs,
18:11and you think, what are the tabloids waiting for?
18:13Paddy Ashdown had one affair,
18:14got known as Paddy Pantsdown.
18:17What are they waiting for,
18:18given that Boris' surname is Johnson,
18:20and his initials are BJ?
18:29Why has Mars been in the news this week?
18:31Er, referendum, they want, erm...
18:34They want out.
18:35Independence from the solar system.
18:37Yes.
18:38It's the big...
18:39It's the big way they go for.
18:40Yeah, yeah.
18:41This is basically a Big Brother-style competition
18:43where people get to go to Mars,
18:45and if you think...
18:46Yeah.
18:47If you want to go on a reality TV show
18:48and disappear forever,
18:49surely just go on X Factor and win it.
18:54Imagine, though, like,
18:55the injections you need just to go somewhere like India,
18:57imagine what you need to go Mars.
18:58And I was like, why'd you need eight years of prep to go Mars?
19:02I went mad like that the other week,
19:03got on a plane,
19:04didn't prep at all, and I was fine.
19:06Got on it, got there, got off,
19:07and it was hot,
19:08but I dealt with it.
19:11Yes, it's the Mars One Project,
19:12which aims to send 20 people on a one-way trip
19:14to the red planet within the next decade or so.
19:17Er, do you want to spot the key word in that sentence?
19:19Any spot the bit that stood out from that?
19:21Is it one...
19:22It's one way!
19:23That's the bit that I always know through this,
19:24because I know somebody,
19:25a scientist in Dublin
19:26who's put himself up for these
19:27in the last 700
19:28to make into this.
19:29It's a one-way trip.
19:30Oh, God.
19:31No way you're coming back.
19:32And this is the big brother.
19:33Will, tune in!
19:34Grow to love these characters.
19:35Slowly watch them die.
19:40Send back recorded messages
19:42from the panel going,
19:43well, Bob's dead.
19:44Er, sorry.
19:45Is that Geordie
19:46who does a voice-over game with him?
19:48Is he going to go,
19:49Dear three,
19:50and I can't help thinking
19:51I've made a crap decision.
19:52But it's going to be 2022, isn't it?
19:56When, erm, they can get up there.
19:57It's the same time,
19:58but I think they should move
19:59the Qatar World Cup there.
20:00Because it's...
20:01It won't be a result.
20:02It'll be more hospitable
20:03unless people will die getting it ready.
20:07It's a reality TV show
20:08where people might actually be watched
20:10to, like, suffocate,
20:11starve to death,
20:12or just die of old...
20:13It's going to be worse than Splash.
20:16So there'll be a load of people
20:17that are playing this,
20:18and you're like,
20:19well, I'm an astrobiologist,
20:20well, I'm an...
20:21intergalactic geologist.
20:23I'm Terry!
20:24Exactly!
20:25I'll be a DJ
20:26on the weekend,
20:27event management,
20:28I'm the vibe master!
20:29What should do?
20:31And while the plane...
20:32While the rocket is on things,
20:33you see...
20:34This grime coming out of it.
20:36Terry, turn it off!
20:37No!
20:38Why do I do my voice for idiots?
20:41It's for idiots!
20:42This is...
20:43This is class war, people!
20:44I'm Terry!
20:45I'm Terry the Welsh DJ!
20:47That's it now!
20:48It's going to bring the vibes to us, space!
20:51I can't keep this up much longer!
20:53If you keep doing that Welsh accent,
20:54Romesh will be offended as well!
20:59I'm part Welsh.
21:00But the thing is,
21:02they want to do it in teams of four,
21:04and they want each of those four people
21:06to come from a different continent,
21:07because it's not difficult enough
21:09being up on Mars.
21:10Let's throw a language barrier in there as well.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:12There is a famous story of a Russian cosmonaut.
21:14There were two of them up on the
21:16Mir space station at one station,
21:17going for six months,
21:18just the two of them,
21:19and they really couldn't get on,
21:20didn't get on at all, right?
21:22Right, and they were at opposite ends
21:24of the space station.
21:25Imagine the atmosphere.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:29And one of them said,
21:30I contemplated suicide
21:32while I was up there.
21:33But you can't hang yourself in space.
21:35LAUGHTER
21:37Just slip in the door!
21:44At the end of that round,
21:45the boys go to Rob, Sarah and Andy!
21:47APPLAUSE
21:52Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
21:54so if everyone can make their way over
21:55to the performance area,
21:56I'll read out this week's topics,
21:57and then we'll see what our panellists
21:58can come up with.
22:01The first subject is...
22:09And the Oscar goes to...
22:11A prison in South Africa.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:19Welcome to the National Taxi Driver Awards.
22:22LAUGHTER
22:28And the winner of Spiritualist Medium of the Year
22:31goes to...
22:32I'm getting a D.
22:33David.
22:34Duncan.
22:35Trevor.
22:36Trevor it is!
22:37LAUGHTER
22:38And the Pride of Britain Award goes to...
22:43Scotland.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:51And the award goes to 12 Years a Slave
22:53for most challenging work experience placement.
22:55LAUGHTER
23:01And the award for most dramatic pause
23:03and award ceremony goes to...
23:05LAUGHTER
23:16Sadly, he can't be with us tonight,
23:18so to collect the award on his behalf,
23:20Chief Inspector Harris of Operation U-Tree.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:28And the prize goes to Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
23:30Unfortunately, Dawn couldn't be here tonight,
23:32so...
23:33LAUGHTER
23:34And in order to collect the prize,
23:35please welcome Sharon of the Planet of the Apes.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38LAUGHTER
23:41Thank you so much, thank you so much,
23:42but I just have to say that I was shit
23:44and you should give it to Judy.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:50And the award for most disappointing sound effect
23:52in a TV show goes to...
23:55LAUGHTER
23:56APPLAUSE
23:58This is the Identity Theft Awards,
23:59and I'm your host...
24:00Dara O'Brien.
24:01LAUGHTER
24:02APPLAUSE
24:03And a spectacular entrance from Lady Gaga.
24:04She should probably cover that up.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06LAUGHTER
24:07And the winner of this year's Academy Award...
24:09..is St Joseph's Academy Academy Award...
24:10..is St Joseph's Academy...
24:12..press that in.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14And here, at the Sat Nav Award...
24:15..is St Joseph's Academy...
24:16..press that in.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:18..and here, at the Sat Nav Awards...
24:19..we'd like just to take a moment...
24:20..to remember the people we've lost this year.
24:21LAUGHTER
24:22APPLAUSE
24:23APPLAUSE
24:24APPLAUSE
24:25APPLAUSE
24:26..
24:53Thank you for awarding me...
24:54..Sexual Fetishist of the Year.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56And let me tell you, this...
24:57..is going straight up my arse.
24:58LAUGHTER
24:59APPLAUSE
25:00APPLAUSE
25:01OK, the next topic is...
25:02..unlikely lines from a romantic novel.
25:06This is the last time...
25:07..that we can be together...
25:08..he said.
25:09Aren't you going to say...
25:10..something?
25:11BEEEH!
25:12LAUGHTER
25:13LAUGHTER
25:14Yes!
25:15Yes!
25:16Yes!
25:17Yes!
25:18Yes!
25:19Yes!
25:20Cried Alex Salmond.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23As Christian Grey tied her to the bed...
25:24..using some cotton-stretched slacks...
25:25..and then...
25:26..he said...
25:27..he said...
25:28..this is the last time...
25:29..that we can be together.
25:30..ICOLOGY
25:32FIVE
25:34Yes!
25:35Yes!
25:36Yes!
25:37Yes!
25:38Cried Alex Salmond.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:45As Christian Grey tied her to the bed...
25:48..using some cotton-stretched slacks...
25:50..and then started beating her around the back...
25:51..with some Sicilian lemon cheesecake...
25:52..she suddenly realised...
25:53..that he was heavily in.
25:54To end her.
25:55..怎樣ot.
25:56And then her mind began.
25:59heavily in to M&S.
26:09It's for you, she said, my hair in a locket.
26:13Oh, fuck it.
26:15I wanted that cough, sweet.
26:23Harold ran his hand up Connie's thigh.
26:26She giggled, made a note of it and later on got £60,000
26:30at a sexual harassment tribunal.
26:36I want your breasts, your legs, your thighs.
26:40I'm on the phone to Nando's love, what do you want?
26:46He searched her eagerly with his tongue,
26:49its tip exploring every crevice, every orifice.
26:52God, he loved being a customs officer.
26:56LAUGHTER
27:10Sarah's love made him feel like a young boy again,
27:12so he went off to find one.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:16She found him on Tinder and lost him on Grindr.
27:26When she was in the shower, he went through her iPhone
27:29and found something disgusting.
27:30She came out as he was leaving.
27:32Come back. It wasn't me.
27:34They gave them free to everyone.
27:36I'd never download a U2 album.
27:38LAUGHTER
27:44They gazed into each other's eyes
27:46and their thoughts were so in tune,
27:48they both thought the exact same thing.
27:50You'll do.
27:52LAUGHTER
27:54Sean knew that the love of his life had to have a good sense of humour,
27:58because while she was laughing, she wouldn't be watching her drink.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:04Sean, it's not even me, for God.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:08He looked at her naked body and then he looked into her eyes.
28:18His heart started pounding and he felt a tingling sensation.
28:22What a shit time to have a coronary.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:29For the first time in her life, she reached a shuddering, juddering orgasm.
28:34She had no idea that such a thing could happen
28:37if you leant against the hot point during the spin cycle.
28:40LAUGHTER
28:45As Mr Darcy kissed her neck, she flushed angrily.
28:48Get out! I'm having a shit!
28:50LAUGHTER
28:51LAUGHTER
28:56At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Sarah and Andy.
29:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:07And that's the end of the show.
29:09This week's winners are Andy Parton, Sarah Pascoe and Rob Beckett.
29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:17Commiserations to Robert Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
29:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:24Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.
29:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:27And we're going to go...
29:29..of the show, you're doing the show.
29:32Let's go.
29:34..of the show.
29:40Thank you for watching the show.
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