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00:00MUSIC PLAYS
00:02Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:05Read all about it, read all about it
00:13News of the world, news of the world
00:15Read all about it, read all about it
00:21News of the world, news of the world
00:24Hello and welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Daryl Breen
00:31Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Josh Whittacombe
00:34Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney
00:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:40We start with a round called If This Is The Answer What Is The Question
00:49On the board are six categories
00:50Holly, which category would you like?
00:53Politics, please
00:54No problem, politics is the category, let's have a look at the answer
00:5611.5 billion, what is the question?
00:59What is the amount I stand to win if the new royal baby is called Trevor?
01:05Is it how many laxatives is Nigella Lawson going to put in her husband's next case?
01:13Is it how many words are there in an iTunes terms and conditions update?
01:19Is it how much of Eric Pickles' department agreed to cut from their biscuit budget?
01:24Is it how many times does Berlusconi have to be found guilty before he actually goes to jail?
01:29Is it how many times a day do I currently have to listen to Get Lucky by Daft Pulp?
01:41Is it how many Tesco club card points do you need for 10p off a pack of cereal?
01:47Is it how much has Dara O'Brien got his legs insured for?
01:51You've never seen them, you know how magical they are.
01:55Is it how many times does a former Radio 1 DJ delete his internet browsing history when the doorbell rings?
02:02How many Ferreira Rocher has Julian Assange eaten in the last year?
02:10Is it how much money does George Osborne want the government departments to cut in the spending review?
02:22Do we know when the spending review is supposed to kick in?
02:26When is this for?
02:28Well this spending review, it's essentially cut isn't it?
02:30Yes.
02:31They call it review but they mean cuts.
02:32Yes.
02:33I mean imagine we all spoke like politicians.
02:35I in fact reviewed my money, but we don't want to want government departments to cut in the spending review.
02:36Absolutely right, thank you very much Chris Alex.
02:37So thank you very much.
02:38Thank you very much.
02:39Thank you very much.
02:41Yes, the question I was looking for is how much money has Chancellor George Osborne agreed to cut from government departments in his latest spending review?
02:49Do we know when the spending is supposed to kick in, when is this for?
02:52Well this spending review, it's essentially cuts isn't it?
02:56Yes.
02:57They call it review but they mean cuts.
02:58Yes.
02:59I mean, imagine we all spoke like politicians.
03:01I, in fact, reviewed my toenails this morning.
03:05But I haven't been for a hair review for some time.
03:10The departments are all fighting about it, aren't they?
03:12Yes, they are.
03:13And some departments have done worse than others.
03:15The MOD have got off quite lightly, but that's quite understandable.
03:18It's very difficult to negotiate with the MOD, because they've got guns.
03:23I don't think they just walk in and just put them on the table.
03:27Or spin them.
03:29That would be particularly impressive if they said,
03:31Oh, I'm quite happy to negotiate this.
03:32Fzzz.
03:32Yeah.
03:33You know what, the...
03:34Pick a number.
03:37But other departments got off really lightly.
03:40I mean, nothing happened yet again to the Ministry of Sound.
03:43And...
03:43You should have seen their Christmas party last year.
03:47It was massive.
03:48I think they're not kind of thinking it through.
03:50There's easy ways to save money.
03:52I was a student.
03:53That's who you go to.
03:54Like, I just think Osborne make a massive bolognese.
03:57That'll get you through for, like, a year.
04:00And then, I think Britain would save a lot of money if, say,
04:03we just got really drunk before you went out.
04:05That saves you a lot of money.
04:07And, like, if he just gave us his Orange Wednesdays coat,
04:10that would save us a lot of money.
04:11Did you see the cartoon that George Osborne voiced about this
04:15to explain what the cuts will involve?
04:17Is it Tory story?
04:24What did Labour say they would do about these cuts
04:26if they win the next election, which takes place before these cuts go away?
04:28He said he would keep them exactly the same.
04:30There's only one policy he's going to change, he said,
04:32and that was immigration policy,
04:34and that is basically to prevent his brother from coming back from the house.
04:38In other news,
04:39who proposed a singing duet with George Osborne recently?
04:42It was a soul singer, wasn't it?
04:43An American soul singer called Jeffrey Osborne.
04:46Jeffrey Osborne, yes.
04:47And the reason he did it was because at the G8 last week,
04:50Obama kept on calling George Osborne Jeffrey.
04:54He did it throughout the meeting, apparently.
04:56Three times in a meeting.
04:57Three times in a meeting he called him Jeffrey,
04:59because he got very, very confused.
05:00I don't know how he confused him with a soul singer,
05:02because everyone knows George has no soul.
05:05But the worst bit was he called him,
05:08he called Osborne Jeffrey,
05:09and he called Cameron and Clegg Zippy and Bungle.
05:15I think Obama's just getting revenge
05:16for the time that Prince Philip called him Waiter.
05:22It's not so on call.
05:24If I, I would worry now,
05:25if I met Barack Obama,
05:27that he would call me Ann.
05:32Ann Wedicombe.
05:33Not because I look like Ann Wedicombe, no.
05:35No, it's not because he looked like him either, right?
05:38You've got to presume that Obama
05:40didn't actually think it was Jeffrey Osborne,
05:42the soul singer.
05:43May I also say congratulations to Jeffrey Osborne
05:45after his 1982 hit On the Wings of Love.
05:49How well he's reinvented himself in the last 30 years
05:52to become Chancellor of the Exchequer, right?
05:55It's not a facial resist similarity problem.
05:58I think Obama always gets confused.
05:59Do you reckon for his first term,
06:01he thought Hillary Clinton owned a card company
06:03and Gaddafi was a duck?
06:04I think Obama probably just walked into that room
06:09of people and said,
06:10I'm sorry,
06:11you just all look the same to me.
06:12In other news,
06:21which former European leader
06:22is facing doing jail time?
06:25I'm hoping it's Hitler.
06:27Hitler.
06:30They found him.
06:33It's about time he's got his come off punch, isn't it?
06:35That'll show him.
06:36That'll stop his cough.
06:38Yeah, yeah,
06:38he'll earn his lesson then.
06:39MJ, a couple of months in Chokey.
06:44No, who is it?
06:45Who is it?
06:45Berlusconi.
06:46It's Silvio Berlusconi,
06:48who got you up for seven years.
06:50Yeah, seven years for sleeping
06:51with an underage prostitute,
06:52but he's offered to serve 25
06:53if he can share a cell with them.
06:57To be fair to Berlusconi,
06:59people get at Berlusconi,
07:01but to be absolutely fair to him,
07:02he's one of the very few politicians
07:03who has genuinely tried to engage
07:05young people in politics.
07:06Do you know who he sent around
07:09to collect this underage prostitute,
07:12who he sent around
07:12to collect her from jail?
07:14Mick Jagger.
07:14No, no.
07:16He sent around one of his ministers
07:18who used to be a showgirl.
07:20Send for my ministers.
07:22Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
07:24No, I need you in minister mode.
07:26Well, to be, that's what I mean.
07:27Takes off the big feather thing.
07:29What do you want?
07:31Berlusconi.
07:32Berlusconi had an excellent record,
07:34actually, of employing women
07:36in government.
07:37What he'd do is he'd see a woman
07:38that he fancied,
07:40ask her if she wanted a job,
07:41and then give her one in the cabinet.
07:45Oh!
07:46Oh-ho!
07:46Oh-ho!
07:47Boom!
07:48Ah, I'm here all week.
07:49I don't think he's ready
07:51for the sort of bunga-bunga parties
07:52they're going to have in prison.
07:56Do you know what?
07:57You think he needs to be wearing
07:58some kind of bunga-bunga?
08:00Yeah.
08:00It really hurts me about bunga-bunga.
08:02What's the thing that really irritates me
08:03about bunga-bunga, right,
08:04is not that I haven't had bunga-bunga,
08:07but I'll die never knowing
08:08if I've had bunga-bunga,
08:09because no-one will explain
08:10what bunga-bunga is.
08:11And I'd like to think
08:12that I've done a lot of things
08:13and maybe bunga-bunga was one of them.
08:16But in other news,
08:17which fashionable pair
08:18have been in trouble with the law?
08:19Is it Wallace and Gromit?
08:20Yes.
08:21It's Dolce and Gabbana.
08:23It is Dolce and Gabbana.
08:23Why are Dolce and Gabbana?
08:24They've been convicted
08:25of tax fraud in Italy,
08:27which is like being convicted
08:29of paying for underage sex
08:31in Italy.
08:33I think this is a great example
08:34of the trickle-down effect
08:36of high fashion,
08:36because they actually committed
08:38tax evasion in 2005,
08:41and only now has it hit
08:41the high street.
08:42LAUGHTER
08:43LAUGHTER
08:43LAUGHTER
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45LAUGHTER
08:46And at the end of that round,
08:50the points go to Josh,
08:51Holly and Andy.
08:53CHEERING
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54Our next round
08:57is called Newsreel.
08:59We play in a recent piece
09:00of footage featuring people
09:01in the news
09:01and ask Hugh to suggest
09:02what might be being said.
09:04This week's clip features
09:05David Cameron.
09:06Oh, I love being out and about
09:07campaigning.
09:08It's a chance for us
09:09to get to know genuine voters
09:10on the doorstep
09:11and find out what they think
09:11about our policies.
09:12So, um...
09:13So, tell me, sir.
09:14Uh, what do you, uh...
09:16What do you feel
09:16about, uh, a gay marriage?
09:19What, to you?
09:20Piss off!
09:21LAUGHTER
09:21No, I didn't...
09:22Do you mind if we just, uh,
09:24step up here for a minute?
09:25Just got a small, uh, chore to do.
09:27There we go.
09:27That's, uh...
09:28That's Boris's house.
09:29I'm just, uh,
09:30popping a dog tear
09:31through the door.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:32Anyway, I think that's enough
09:33campaigning for now.
09:34I'm, uh, a bit tired.
09:35Haven't had a holiday
09:36since a beta.
09:36That's nearly three weeks ago, so...
09:38Well...
09:39Oh, hello!
09:40Hello!
09:41Yeah, this is good, isn't it?
09:42This is a chance for me
09:43to show that I'm not a geek.
09:45Yeah, that's right, David.
09:46Ed, sorry.
09:47Um, yes, I'm not a geek.
09:49I'll tell you what, though.
09:50Why are there so many leaves
09:51that there's only one tree?
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54Why do...
09:55I think perhaps we should
09:56just get on with campaign.
09:58Maybe if you go in here...
09:59Oh, good, the shop!
10:00I can buy some, uh,
10:01Cynex.
10:03Yeah.
10:03It's...
10:04Hello, I'm the, uh...
10:05Oh, there's no need
10:06for you to introduce yourself,
10:08young man,
10:08and don't tell you who you are.
10:09You're from, uh,
10:10Wallace and Gromit.
10:13No.
10:14Anyway, welcome to, uh,
10:15Liberal Democrat HQ.
10:17This is a very important thing.
10:18We're stuffing thousands
10:19of, uh, envelopes,
10:20uh, with my job applications
10:22for when I lose my seat
10:24in the next election.
10:25Hello, Nigel Farage here.
10:27I drive a big purple bus.
10:29That's a euphemism.
10:30Anyway, uh,
10:31people understand UKIP's policy
10:33on immigration.
10:33But we have others.
10:34Uh, I believe, for example,
10:35that all British people
10:36should be allowed, like me,
10:37to dip their clothes
10:38in mustard.
10:40Ooh!
10:41Well done, you did it!
10:46Now we play a round
10:47called Wheel I Am.
10:49This game...
10:50...involves Andy,
10:54Gary and Josh.
10:55So if you could make your way
10:56to the performance area, please.
10:57This round is a stand-up challenge.
10:59I launch the Wheel of News
11:00and wherever it chooses to stop,
11:01one of our performers
11:02will step forward
11:02and talk about that subject.
11:04The winner is whoever I think
11:05is the funniest.
11:07OK, here we go.
11:07Let's have the, uh,
11:08first topic.
11:09Let's spin the wheel.
11:11The first topic is
11:12science and technology.
11:13Who wants to come in on that?
11:14Andy Parsons.
11:18Uh, I quite fancy
11:19being a wind farmer.
11:22No, because I think
11:23out of all the farmer jobs,
11:24it's got to be the easiest,
11:25doesn't it?
11:29You know,
11:30cock crows,
11:31ooh, wake up,
11:32out of bed,
11:33check the wind's blowing,
11:34yes it is, brilliant,
11:35back to bed again.
11:39Alternatively, you know,
11:40cock crows out of bed,
11:41wind's not blowing,
11:42so do all I can do about it,
11:43back to bed again.
11:46Because they never actually invent
11:48what you want them to invent.
11:49I am still waiting
11:50for a decent alarm clock, yeah?
11:52Maybe one that doesn't
11:54in fact alarm you, right?
11:57Maybe one that just
11:57nudges you awake, right?
11:59Gives you a little cuddle,
12:00makes you a cup of tea,
12:01little tickle downstairs,
12:02then phones up work
12:03so you can't come in.
12:07Thank you very much,
12:07Andy Pyrton.
12:08APPLAUSE
12:09OK, the next subject, please.
12:14And the next subject is
12:16charity.
12:16Who wants to come in?
12:17Joshua Whitaker.
12:20Charity work doesn't
12:22always go well.
12:23I had a situation
12:24when I was 10
12:25and my school was
12:26raising money
12:27for the local church roof,
12:28because it's always
12:29the church roof.
12:30I don't know what the problem
12:31is with church roofs.
12:33It's like they're spending
12:34the money elsewhere.
12:34You're going,
12:35yeah, well, the roof's ruined,
12:36but it was just
12:36installed a hot tub,
12:37so come and praise
12:39the Lord in there, yeah.
12:41We all had to do
12:42different things,
12:42and me and my best friend
12:43Thomas decided
12:44what we were going to do.
12:44We were going to walk
12:45the three miles
12:46to our nearest market town
12:47wearing Wellington boots
12:48full of custard.
12:49We thought this would be good.
12:50It would have been good,
12:51but for one small issue,
12:52which was when preparing
12:53the custard for
12:54the Wellington boot,
12:56my mum didn't think
12:57that we might want it
12:58served at a lower temperature.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:04I tell you now,
13:05there are few things
13:06in your life more terrifying
13:07than looking at your
13:08Wellington boots
13:08and seeing them steaming
13:09like the entrance
13:11to stars in their eyes.
13:13I said, I'm not putting
13:14my foot in there,
13:14that's boiling hot.
13:15Mum, I said,
13:15isn't that the challenge?
13:16No, that is not the challenge.
13:19I don't know if you ever
13:19put your foot in a
13:20Wellington boot
13:20of boiling hot custard.
13:21A few of you might have.
13:23What is it?
13:23It's similar to a hot bath.
13:24With a hot bath,
13:25it goes somewhere like this.
13:25It goes,
13:27that is too hot.
13:29With a Wellington boot
13:30of boiling hot custard,
13:31more like this,
13:32that is too hot.
13:33And suctioned on.
13:36Like a medieval torture
13:38devised by the Chuckle Brothers.
13:40You know,
13:41this is doubly humiliating
13:42because I've had to go in
13:42three times
13:43to break the skin
13:44on the custard.
13:46Thank you very much,
13:47Josh Willicombe.
13:48APPLAUSE
13:48OK, that leaves us
13:52with Gary.
13:52Let's see what topic
13:53you've been left with.
13:54Let's spin the wheel.
13:57And the topic is education.
14:01One time at school,
14:02I lost my thesaurus.
14:04I couldn't find the words
14:04to describe how upset I was.
14:12I remember sitting
14:13in psychology class
14:15learning about Pavlov,
14:16thinking,
14:16no, stupid dogs.
14:18And then the bell went
14:18and we all had lunch.
14:21I'm sitting at home,
14:22this guy knocks on my door.
14:23Have you ever considered
14:24an alternative energy supplier?
14:26I'm like,
14:26no,
14:26I'm quite happy with food.
14:27It's got to be a tough job
14:36going round door to door
14:37encouraging people
14:37to photosynthesise.
14:42I can give you
14:43the leading cause
14:43of anaphylactic shock
14:44in a nutshell.
14:49I've got the memory
14:50of an elephant.
14:51I remember one time
14:51I went to the zoo
14:52and saw an elephant.
15:00My nan recently claimed
15:01that she once gave
15:02a handjob to Albert Einstein.
15:04What a stroke of genius.
15:08Technically,
15:08shoplifting from the Apple store
15:10only counts as scrumping.
15:15Sex education lessons
15:16at our school
15:17were pretty weird.
15:17The teacher made us
15:18shout out rude words
15:20to get out of our system
15:20like bum,
15:21willy,
15:21cocks
15:22and we had to carry on
15:23doing that until he came.
15:29Thank you very much,
15:30guys and ladies.
15:31I want to give a point
15:32to everyone there.
15:32Well done.
15:33Come on back.
15:42Now we play a round
15:43called Picture of the Week.
15:45I show the panel
15:45a topical image
15:46and ask them to tell me
15:47what is happening.
15:48So teens,
15:49what is going on here?
15:51Have they revealed
15:52the new title sequence
15:53to Dad's Army?
15:55Are you sure
15:56it's not the new
15:57easy jet route
15:58from London
15:59to Glasgow?
16:01I wish it were.
16:02Is it a route
16:03from Hawaii
16:03to Ecuador
16:04made longer
16:04to accommodate
16:05the length
16:05of new in-flight movie
16:06The Hobbit?
16:09Is this the carbon
16:10footprint
16:11of a fair trade grape?
16:15Is it in fact
16:16the school run
16:17for Angelina
16:18and Brad?
16:24Is it the new route
16:25for stacking
16:26over Heathrow?
16:28Is it places
16:29easy jet
16:29consider as London?
16:30Yeah, you know
16:34the correct answer is.
16:35Is it an American
16:36estimating where
16:36Europe is?
16:40Somewhere.
16:42It's the route
16:43that Edward Snowden
16:44is attempting
16:45to take
16:46to avoid
16:47US justice.
16:48That's absolutely
16:49right.
16:50Thank you very much.
16:50Yeah.
16:51Yeah.
16:51This is the escape route
16:56that whistleblower
16:57Edward Snowden
16:57planned to take
16:58after he left
16:59the United States.
17:00Snowden first flew
17:01from his home
17:01in Hawaii
17:01to Hong Kong
17:02where he leaked
17:03secrets
17:03before escaping
17:04to Moscow.
17:05He was then
17:05due to fly
17:06into Ecuador
17:06via Havana
17:07but at the time
17:08of this recording
17:08he's still
17:09in the transit
17:10area of
17:11Moscow Airport.
17:12Mentally
17:13you should all
17:14be transported
17:15to a man
17:15sitting on
17:16one of those
17:16blue chairs
17:17Bing bong
17:18Havana
17:22Bing bong
17:23and he's sitting
17:23there just
17:24you know
17:24Him and a lot
17:26of people
17:27in trench coats
17:27and trilbies
17:28with newspapers
17:29with high holes
17:30cut out.
17:32Bing bong
17:32Bing bong
17:33I don't know
17:34they're kind of
17:35struggling to catch
17:36him as he comes
17:36off the plane
17:37I've got a plan.
17:38Have they tried
17:39standing there
17:40with a board
17:40with Edward Snowden
17:41written on it
17:41just standing there?
17:44He said he was
17:45relieved to land
17:46in Moscow
17:46but then he was
17:48flying Aeroflot
17:49so I should imagine
17:50everybody was
17:51relieved to land
17:52in Moscow.
17:52Ah, cruel Aeroflot.
17:53God, I flew
17:54now I flew Aeroflot
17:55once from
17:56when I was a student
17:57I flew Aeroflot
17:59from Beijing
18:00to Moscow
18:02and I sat next
18:03to a bloke
18:03who had a mole
18:04and he had a hair
18:05growing out of his mole
18:06which was brushing
18:08against my face.
18:11If you found to flee
18:12if you did actually
18:13reveal a thing
18:13where would you
18:14you know
18:14it's very difficult
18:15to find the way
18:15you could go
18:16but if you were to
18:16lie low
18:17Devon
18:18Leicester
18:18No one would ever
18:22look for you
18:22in Leicester
18:23See I love that
18:23I love that
18:24Richard III
18:26he was there
18:26for ages
18:27He was literally
18:32lying low
18:33A little lie low
18:34and I'm going to say this
18:35to my wife
18:35when I said
18:35where would you go
18:36if you had to
18:37lie low
18:37and she went
18:38probably my parents' house
18:39and you're going
18:40you're not getting
18:41the immediacy
18:42I'm trying to get
18:43across here
18:43She thought you said
18:44where would you go
18:45if you wanted a lie low
18:46She was supposed to do
18:46There were loads of journals
18:50the flight that he was
18:51supposed to take
18:52do you know what seat
18:52he was in?
18:5417A
18:54Yes it was
18:5517A
18:55That's Aeroflot seat 17A
18:57that he was supposed
18:57to be there
18:58Did he sit next to a man
18:59with a massive mole
19:00and a hair growing out?
19:02He is the massive mole
19:03I'm hoping
19:10I'm hoping
19:10at some stage
19:11they release a statement
19:12going where is he?
19:13He's where he's always been
19:14He's in our hearts
19:16Really?
19:18More like
19:19because he crosses the world
19:21all the time
19:22nobody's ever seen him
19:23he's there
19:24like whatever
19:24and anything you write
19:26any letter you write
19:27he gets to read
19:28He's Santa Claus
19:30should we all be
19:34leaving mince pies out
19:35from us
19:35is that how we have it?
19:37The CIA will trap him
19:38in the end
19:39with just a little
19:39glass of sherry
19:40and carrot
19:41and two of his toys
19:42Mommy mommy mommy mommy
19:43look Edward Snowden's
19:44been here tonight
19:44the carrot is half eaten
19:46yes
19:46all my emails
19:48have been read
19:49who could we soon be
19:51seeing on the back
19:52of a five pound note
19:53is it the queen?
19:55okay depends which way
19:56you turn the note
19:57you're absolutely right
20:00but I think let's define
20:01that as being the front
20:02of the note right
20:03who's on the other side
20:04of the note
20:04to the queen
20:05unlike the earlier question
20:06I hope the answer
20:07isn't Hitler this time
20:08it's at the moment
20:11it's someone called
20:12Elizabeth Fry isn't it
20:13who is I think
20:14Stephen's mother
20:16or the person
20:17who invented
20:17Turkish delight
20:18Churchill is going to be on it
20:22and there's been
20:23a bit of controversy
20:23because he's knocking off
20:24a lady Elizabeth Fry
20:26and if he was
20:27from the note
20:28rather than getting
20:29that would be
20:31hell of a note
20:31though wouldn't it
20:32you fold it
20:36a certain way
20:37they start doing it
20:38this is the proposed
20:42five pound note
20:43with Churchill's face
20:43mind you critics
20:45of their big segment
20:46well that means
20:47there'd be no women
20:48on the note
20:48have been assuaged
20:49by a move
20:50I think they should
20:52have a feminist icon
20:53on it
20:53not least
20:54because it means
20:55it would be very
20:56uncomfortable
20:56for men to go
20:57to strip joints
20:58just like the idea
20:59of them having to put
21:01Emmeline Pankhurst
21:02in a woman's G-string
21:03I've just got to say
21:04I'm not a huge expert
21:05on them
21:06but if you're putting
21:07fivers into a G-string
21:08you're at like
21:09the most low rent
21:10strip joints
21:10it really is
21:12they're going to
21:12love you
21:13and you go
21:14one of these
21:15maybe
21:15five pounds
21:17for you
21:18I have some change
21:19how much do I get
21:22for four pounds
21:23twenty
21:23they have to have
21:26a woman on the
21:27five pound note
21:27because if they put
21:28one on the next one
21:29up she'd become
21:29known as the
21:30tenor lady
21:30if you were
21:37governor of the
21:37Bank of England
21:38and it was your
21:39choice who goes
21:40on the notes
21:40wouldn't you have
21:41a bit more fun
21:42than that when you
21:43go fiver
21:43that's me and
21:44Menorca
21:45tenor
21:47that's me meeting
21:48Kofi and Anne
21:48twenty
21:49naked lady
21:50how did that
21:50get in there
21:51fifty
21:53me and Jeff
21:53let me lift off
21:55some of the
21:55other prototypes
21:56that are included
21:56for the month
21:57because this is
21:57an ongoing debate
21:58because they
21:58change them
21:58all the time
21:59for the fiver
22:00the initial
22:00plan was
22:01to have
22:01this
22:02and then
22:05the value
22:06rises steadily
22:08for the tenor
22:09obviously
22:09we have
22:09this
22:10particularly
22:11jaunty face
22:12twenty quid
22:13that actually
22:14works
22:15that actually
22:15shockingly
22:16does
22:16that really
22:17means
22:18something
22:18that would
22:19stop you
22:19spending
22:20that
22:20there's
22:20no way
22:21you'd
22:21put that
22:21down
22:22no I have
22:22to keep
22:23that
22:23because he
22:23won't
22:23put that
22:24back in
22:24your pocket
22:25there are
22:29issues of
22:29nation
22:30and nationality
22:31so this
22:32is the
22:3350 euro
22:34note
22:34which was
22:35the original
22:36you look a bit
22:38like Gorbachev
22:39with that
22:39five
22:39on it
22:40at the end
22:46of that round
22:47the boys
22:47go to
22:47Josh Holly
22:48and Andy
22:49now we
22:53come to
22:54scenes
22:54we'd like
22:55to see
22:55so if
22:55everyone
22:56can make
22:56their way
22:56over to
22:57the
22:57performance
22:57area
22:57I'll read
22:58it this
22:58week's
22:59topics
22:59and then
22:59we'll see
22:59what our
22:59panels
23:00can come
23:00up
23:00with
23:00okay
23:01here
23:01we go
23:02the first
23:03subject
23:04is
23:04things you
23:06wouldn't hear
23:07on a fitness
23:08dvd
23:08okay let's
23:11get you
23:11sweating in
23:12your own
23:12living room
23:13I know
23:13you're an
23:14illegal immigrant
23:15today we're going
23:22to work on our
23:23three problem
23:24areas
23:24that's
23:25bums
23:25tums
23:26and
23:26Afghanistan
23:27do you want rock hard buns
23:33then you need to get to greggs at around five o'clock in the afternoon
23:37really stretch it out come on really stretch it out you're nearly there can you feel the burn can you good okay now you've got your leotard on we can do the exercise
23:49so that's three minutes in and it's time to wave goodbye to our american viewers
23:58hi i'm il mcpherson and welcome to wankercise
24:08hello and welcome to get thin on heroin
24:19i got rid of all the extra weight i had when i was pregnant just by leaving him on a stranger's doorstep
24:28if you find weights really boring do what i do don't wait
24:38now i find squats very important because i can't afford to pay my own rent
24:46are you still too big to fit into that dress
24:53don't worry about it just go to leeds the women there don't seem to give a shit
24:57and now i can completely fit into the bikini
25:07of course sometimes my cock flops out
25:09hello and welcome to pilates at home all the fun of pilates without the embarrassment of farting in a church hall
25:21hello and welcome to dora brian's bunga bunga workout
25:28okay the next topic is unlikely things for a vet to say
25:41of course your monkey's got diabetes you've been feeding him coco pops for 20 years
25:48i know it's expensive mrs smith but if you want your cat put down you're going to have to make nine appointments
25:57no i'm afraid timmy won't be coming out of hibernation soon
26:06and that's because he's not actually a tortoise he's a frae bentos pie
26:10so what i'm going to do is i'm going to cut open the stomach of your rottweiler
26:18and hopefully i'll have both of us out of here in no time
26:21ah if only they could talk i'd be in prison
26:32the bad news is we've had to chop off one of fido's legs but the good news is you put roller
26:42skates on him that's three million hits on youtube right there
26:45you're right mrs thomas this is the first beaver i've seen now what pet have you brought in
26:52the good news is your snake has survived the bad news is he's never going to walk again
27:02well sir if you think this treatment is too expensive
27:10i suggest you get your meerkat to find somewhere cheaper
27:13well yes your horse is a little bit overweight but it's nothing to worry about
27:23oh it's a dog
27:24we just had the re uh we just had the test results back on the cows and it's
27:34it's not good i'm afraid they're 10 horse meat
27:38i'm afraid it's dead mr forsyth but i would say maybe you shouldn't have kept it on your head
27:47for so long
27:48i'm afraid i'm going to have to put your dog down
27:56robert you're a fat lazy arsehole who couldn't catch a stick to save his life
28:00mr johnson you spoil that dog not only are you overfeeding him but he's quite capable of
28:07licking his own ball
28:09and that's the end of the show this week's winners are josh rillicombe harley walsh and annie parson
28:17commiserations to chris allison hughes and gary delaney
28:27thank you for watching i'm gary goodnight
28:39english goodnight
28:49you
28:50you
28:51you
28:53you
28:54you
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