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00:00MUSIC CONTINUES
00:30Thank you very much.
00:32I'm Dara Breen.
00:33Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Nathan Caton and Miles Jupp,
00:37Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
00:42Yes, we are.
00:48We start tonight with our round called Headliners.
00:50Here's a picture of some powerful people getting together this week.
00:54But what does LAGS stand for?
00:56Is it?
00:57Leaders admire glossy surface.
01:02Is it how David Icke sees the G8?
01:05Lizards, aliens, Germans, sociopaths.
01:11A brief concession to reality from David there with the Germans.
01:15Is it?
01:16Lonely angler goes speed dating.
01:18It's probably just Cameron describing what's going to happen, isn't it?
01:25He's probably going, later, after globalisation, strippers.
01:30Is it leaders assembled for Gangnam Style?
01:33I think it might be what you can do in Ellis Skillen at night, which is look at Google or sleep.
01:46Is it in fact look at guilty supplier?
01:49And you've got to look at whoever ran the table you think has been supplying arms to Syria?
01:56It's not the end of the process.
01:59It's not the end of the process.
02:01Putin's not making a lie on why he can't act in that game, is he?
02:03He's just staring at the table.
02:06Is it in fact Nick Clegg's role in the whole thing?
02:09Liberals are getting snacks.
02:14Is it, describing the G8 conference, lame attempt to give a shit?
02:20Cameron's just probably describing what's going to happen.
02:23Smash the system!
02:25Smash the system!
02:28Yeah.
02:30After we've been paid.
02:32Citizen Edison.
02:34But is it just leaders all gather somewhere?
02:39I so wish it did.
02:49Is it leaders attend global summit?
02:51It is of course, thank you very, very much.
02:55Yes, the answer I was looking for was leaders attend global summit.
02:58This is news that David Cameron has played host to world leaders at the G8 summit in Enniskill in Northern Ireland.
03:04The two day event saw the leaders discuss Cameron's proposals for a crackdown on tax havens,
03:08EU and USA trade arrangements and the conflict in Syria.
03:11Well, it's Cameron and indeed the people at Enniskill, and were they good hosts?
03:14The hotel they're holding this summit in is bankrupt.
03:17They're holding a summit to fix the global financial crisis in a hotel bankrupted by the global financial crisis.
03:26It's like holding a session for a drug user in Charlie Sheen's bathroom.
03:31This is a photograph of the leaders outside near Loch Arne looking, for some reason, like a Sabutio team, where they've been nailed to that plank.
03:39So it's like something you send away for in the Sunday Express magazine.
03:42You pay £19.99 a month.
03:45This ceramic model of the world leaders can be yours in ten different parts.
03:50It's like a fairground shooting game for Al-Qaeda.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:55APPLAUSE
03:57They were holding it in Northern Ireland, weren't they?
03:59And I suppose one of the advantages of holding it in Northern Ireland is if they do have any anti-G8 protesters,
04:04people in Northern Ireland are just going to laugh at them, aren't they?
04:07You know, call that a protest, we'll show you a protest.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:13It's good for the protesters themselves, cos I would imagine Northern Ireland's one of the best places to find a cheap second-hand balaclava.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:21I did a tour last year and I was talking about the riots in London, and there was a point where I would go,
04:25did you see the riots in the audience, you know?
04:26And Northern Ireland, Derry, in Derry, they went, riots, my ho!
04:31LAUGHTER
04:32It was like a genuine civic pride in how much better their riots were than the riots.
04:37One bloke shouted, that was a shopping trip.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41And the reason I brought up always is because there's one thing, when it comes to riots,
04:45and this was, this may have been, like, in their minds,
04:47there's one thing that they have in Northern Ireland that the rest of the UK don't have, when it comes to riots.
04:51Do you know what it is?
04:52A loyalty card?
04:53No.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55Hello, John, hello, yeah, back again.
04:58Hello to you again.
04:59Yeah.
05:00A genuine grievance?
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03No, a piece of equipment.
05:05It's actually the UK's, but they're all stored in Northern Ireland.
05:07It's water cannons.
05:08It's water cannons, yeah.
05:09But they could make those friendlier by popping the Barocca in.
05:11Hang on, if you put a Barocca into a water cannon...
05:13If you just get friendly foam, it'd be like a disco, everyone would love it.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17So if it would be orange, it might be a bit antagonistic.
05:19Yeah.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21Yeah.
05:22All of the UK's water cannons are stored in Northern Ireland.
05:25The funny thing is, if you ask that in Northern Ireland, everyone in Northern Ireland knows that.
05:28If you ask, hey, why were there no water cannons at the London riots?
05:31Everyone in Northern Ireland knows that.
05:33But if you ask in, say, Northampton, why were there no water cannons at the London riots?
05:38The genuine first answer was, host pipe ban.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43And they didn't use it in case middle-class people pretended to riot to get their...
05:48Oh, come on, I'm rioting! I'm rioting near the Bagonias!
05:51I'm rioting...
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54What's been banned for the first time at the GH?
05:58Wives. No partners are allowed.
06:00No partners? No partners.
06:02Golfing resort, Ireland.
06:04It sounds more like a stag do than a summit.
06:07LAUGHTER
06:08Michelle Obama stayed in Dublin, I think, didn't she?
06:11And they went to Riverdance. Is that still on in Dublin?
06:14No, actually, I don't. We must have put it on specially.
06:16Literally, I think they went, what are we going to do?
06:19Er...
06:20I don't think of some dancers lying around, you know,
06:23in parks with their legs still moving, just looking for...
06:27We'll dance for cash written on a time.
06:29APPLAUSE
06:31The Obamas think that the reason that in Riverdance they only use the lower half of the body to dance with is because in Ireland all the arms have been decommissioned.
06:41LAUGHTER
06:43Oh, no.
06:45I like that.
06:46That's really good.
06:47That was...
06:48I think that our work is done.
06:49That's a long journey.
06:51Er...
06:52They usually have a special...
06:54They usually have a special programme of, like, sort of visits and lectures for all the wives.
06:58And, er, you have to feel sorry for Angela Merkel's husband, just generally.
07:02LAUGHTER
07:04Poor old Joe Merkel.
07:08Sorry.
07:09Didn't Barack Obama talk to some of the kids before the G8s started?
07:13I thought that was good, because out of one of the leaders, he's probably the best one.
07:16One, because he's obviously a great speaker, and also because most of the young white kids nowadays are talking like they're black.
07:22So...
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24Probably the only one who came a late.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:27What else does Barack Obama get that Putin wanted?
07:29Michelle Obama.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:32Quite possibly, but...
07:34He got the gym.
07:35He got the gym, yeah.
07:36He got the gym.
07:37There was a fight over who would get to go in the gym.
07:39Because they wouldn't work out at the same time.
07:41Fair enough.
07:42It's very difficult to negotiate with somebody who you've seen vigorously toweling their balls.
07:46Yes.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:48So, what about trains?
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51Can we talk about this later?
07:53No, now's a good assignment, eh?
07:55But he lost, didn't he?
07:56Obama got it, which Putin gave him, because he said he was going to get his exercise by swimming in the lock.
08:01Yes, as a late lock.
08:02Very early in the morning.
08:03It's odd that Putin wanted to swim in an icy lake, because that's normally what happens to his critics.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08You know, Putin, you know, because he loves the hard man image, doesn't he?
08:12This is just a photo opportunity for him.
08:14You know exactly that when he comes out of that northern Irish lake, he'll have a bear going,
08:19I just found this.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:21Just a KGB guy in a suit going, can I get hold yet?
08:23Shut up!
08:24LAUGHTER
08:25What tax reforms have they agreed?
08:29They've agreed, basically, that they should do more with tax havens and they should be more transparent.
08:34There's always ways around it, though, isn't there?
08:36I mean, Jimmy Carr's registered as a Channel Island.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:42I think he's literally registered as a Jimmy Carr, he just pays road tax.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:48LAUGHTER
08:49APPLAUSE
08:51Cameron spoke the other day about how, well, he wanted to clamp down, and I just...
08:56For some reason, it sang to me that he wanted to clamp down on secretive companies in secretive locations.
09:01And there's something...
09:02It's a perfume ad.
09:04It is, yeah.
09:05Secretive companies...
09:06It's all this to do with avoid and evade nonsense, isn't it? Yeah.
09:14You can avoid tax, but you can't evade tax.
09:17Yeah, that's right, because avoidance is legal, whereas evasion is illegal,
09:21and if you are sent to jail for evasion, you will find out what it's like to have a loophole abused.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:27APPLAUSE
09:29At the end of that round, Chris, you and Gary are the winner!
09:34Yay!
09:35That's a fucking...
09:37That never happened.
09:38That never happened.
09:39Now we play a round called It Must Be Something I G8.
09:42This game...
09:44LAUGHTER
09:46..involves Nathan, Gary and Miles, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
09:51This round is a stand-up challenge.
09:53I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
09:55one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
09:58The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
10:00OK, here we go.
10:01Let us spin the wheel.
10:04The first subject is showbiz.
10:06Who wants to come in on that?
10:08Miles Jones.
10:09Well, what can I tell you about show business?
10:13Almost, almost nothing.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:17No, in fact, it's very nice to see an audience.
10:20LAUGHTER
10:23To be perfectly honest, that's not always been the case.
10:26I remember doing a gig about 12 years ago in Edinburgh.
10:29I was doing a gig one night and there was one person in the audience.
10:34The entire audience was made up of one person.
10:36Right, and in those days, I was in a double act.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:43If you're in an opera or something and you and the orchestra outnumber the audience,
10:46there is possibly some dignity involved.
10:49If you're in a double act and you outnumber the audience,
10:52that is pretty much the bleakest thing that can happen.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:56But we went for it because we were young and keen.
10:58Jupp and George, we were called.
11:00He's a policeman now, no longer allowed to be amusing.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:04We were going for it. He was actually going all right,
11:05but after about five minutes, the audience...
11:09LAUGHTER
11:11He put his hand up.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:14And we said, you know, what is it, Joe?
11:16LAUGHTER
11:18He said, I'm really sorry to do this to you, but I have to go to the lavatory.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:23We had to wait for him to come back.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:27APPLAUSE
11:30All right, let's spin the wheel again.
11:33Next up, it is nightclubs. Who wants to come in on that?
11:36Lee?
11:37Yes, so, nightclubs.
11:40I've got to a stage in my life now
11:42where I'm not kind of a fan of nightclubs any more.
11:45Little things about nightclubs annoy me,
11:47like nightclub bouncers, for example.
11:49You know you get those big, massive guys
11:51who take their job a bit too seriously, you know?
11:53They stand at the front going, no, no, you can't come in,
11:55you can't, you can't come in, yeah?
11:56I said so, yeah?
11:57I'm here cos I'm the boss, right?
11:59I'm here cos I'm the boss.
12:00It's like, no, you're here cos you haven't got any qualifications, man.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:04Don't get it twisted.
12:06Of course, I don't say that to his face cos I'm not dumb, you know?
12:09LAUGHTER
12:10I've got qualifications.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:13The biggest reason, though, why I don't like nightclubs
12:16is because I don't operate well in nightclubs,
12:18like approaching women, for example.
12:20I've got something in me that in nightclubs doesn't work.
12:23It's called manners.
12:25LAUGHTER
12:26One time I was doing this gig, right?
12:28This out-of-town gig, I was staying over for the night,
12:30so I thought, you know what, I'll go to a nightclub,
12:32you know, check out the local nightlife.
12:33I'm in the club, I see this nice girl, very attractive,
12:35so I thought, OK, you know what, I'll approach her, right?
12:37So I walked up to her and went, hey, how you doing?
12:39You all right?
12:40You having a good night?
12:41And she went, uh-uh!
12:43Idiot!
12:44No, you're trying to shut me up, yeah?
12:45Get me rotted, bitch!
12:46What are you doing, man?
12:47I'm like, well, I'm going to talk to you, man.
12:48Get me rotted, rotted!
12:49I was like, what the hell?
12:57Listen, calm down.
12:59Firstly, all I did was say hello, trying to make polite conversation,
13:02and secondly, you're a white girl in a nightclub in Cornwall.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:10Thank you very much, Nathan.
13:14So, then leave us with Gary.
13:15Let's see what you've been left with.
13:16Let's spin the wheel.
13:19And relationships.
13:25Sorry.
13:26That does actually look like me and my girlfriend.
13:28Apparently, in Norfolk, the marriage guidance service is called Related.
13:37My girlfriend says I'm not very romantic.
13:39The other day, we were kissing on the sofa.
13:41She said, how about we take this into the bedroom?
13:43I said, okay, you get the other end.
13:48When she suggested we try playing doctors and nurses,
13:51I was really hoping for something sexier than being left in a corridor for two days.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:57My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby.
13:59Her mum's agreed to help out.
14:00Just till I get hard.
14:01LAUGHTER
14:08She's going to see that on telly as well.
14:09That's terrible.
14:15They always say you'll find the love of your life when you're not really looking,
14:19which was true.
14:20But by then, I'd run her over.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:27I've been trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her key ring,
14:29but she just keeps fobbing me off.
14:30LAUGHTER
14:35When I heard you could nabby a sperm donor by post, I came in a jiffy.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39I went to a swingers club, the doorman goes, it's £15 to get in,
14:46or you can pay £20, that includes a meal.
14:48I paid £20, I went in, this oiled, naked guy comes up to me,
14:51he goes, hello, my name's Emil.
14:56LAUGHTER
15:00I once had a one-night stand and I didn't get an erection, that isn't cool.
15:03Luckily, the woman I was with was really understanding,
15:05she just said, don't worry, that used to happen to me.
15:07LAUGHTER
15:11Well done.
15:12In that round, points for the guy and the lady!
15:14Come on back.
15:21Now we play a round call.
15:22If this is the answer, what is the question?
15:24On the board of six categories, Nathan, which category would you like?
15:27Health, please.
15:28OK, your category is health and the answer is eight.
15:32What is the question?
15:33Is it, when talking to Barack Obama, how many black friends does David Cameron claim to have?
15:39LAUGHTER
15:41Is it, what might bras look like if breasts were arranged vertically?
15:46LAUGHTER
15:50So, according to figures given to the tax office, how many coffees has Starbucks ever sold?
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56Yeah.
15:57Is it, um, after what hour are you legally permitted to consume square mint chocolates?
16:03LAUGHTER
16:05Is it how many times has Julian Assange watched the complete DVD collection at the Ecuadorian embassy?
16:16LAUGHTER
16:17Is it, in fact, how many Father's Day cards did Boris Johnson get?
16:22LAUGHTER
16:23LAUGHTER
16:24Is it, how many episodes of Top of the Pots from the 1970s are safe to repeat?
16:28LAUGHTER
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30Is it, how many thousand people are looking at this thinking, why is Lamar doing comedy?
16:36LAUGHTER
16:37LAUGHTER
16:42Who did Lamar?
16:44LAUGHTER
16:45Is it, in fact, how many days should this year's winner of The Voice reserve for their career?
16:51LAUGHTER
16:54So, yeah, it's about the NHS.
16:55Is it, in fact, how many commandments are there now for patient care?
17:00Yes, you're absolutely right. Thank you very much, Andy Parsons. That is it.
17:03APPLAUSE
17:04Yes, the question I was looking for was, how many care commandments are being proposed for hospitals to help improve standards for patients?
17:12This is the news that the Care Quality Commission proposes that doctors and nurses should be issued with eight fundamentals of care to ensure that patients are treated well.
17:20The Charter to be displayed in every ward and GP surgery across the country is one of a number of proposals to improve standards of health care.
17:27Now, obviously, tradition, there are ten commandments, but they felt unnecessary to include the one about the donkey.
17:33Er, so...
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35The one about the donkey?
17:37It's a donkey. It's an oxen, isn't it?
17:39Welcome to Mock the Week, 458 BC.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:43Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's drip.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47Thou shalt have a right to wear a gown that doesn't show your bum.
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51Food that can be cut with a knife.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:54I was so desperate for money, my nan was in hospital recently and they had to kick her off her trolley because they were taking it back to Asda for the pound.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00I've heard your nan's off her trolley anyway.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:03I can't offend any more family today.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06In other news, what has been compared this week to a bad pub quiz?
18:11This?
18:12Not the week.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14APPLAUSE
18:15That is the least of the things that's been said about this.
18:21It's the UK citizenship test, isn't it?
18:24It is the citizenship test, yes.
18:25This isn't part of the problem, the questions are too trivial, they said, right?
18:28I think they should just ask them, like, real British questions like, for example,
18:32what scares you more, terrorism or snow?
18:36Snow? Welcome to the country!
18:40I'll give you a sample of the question, just so you get the idea of what stuff is being asked.
18:44And the problem is, you cherry-pick any of these, you can make it all seem ridiculous,
18:47but they're quizzes, stuff like this.
18:49Which of the following statements is correct?
18:51The mousetrap is a play that's been running in London's West End since 1952,
18:54or it's an environmental policy aimed to prevent mice from destroying crops.
18:58LAUGHTER
18:59I like the way that you...
19:00It's like an ad for the mousetrap which it needs, you know?
19:03Other questions.
19:04Which sport can be traced back to 15th-century Scotland?
19:07Surfing, Formula One, golf or motorbike racing?
19:10LAUGHTER
19:14I'm sure Chris is off the test.
19:15But this isn't like a bad pub quiz.
19:16This is like one of those quizzes at the end of the...
19:18before the break on ITV.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:21It is very, very difficult though, isn't it?
19:23Because you've got to decide what to do with immigration.
19:25Everybody's got their different views on it.
19:27And the thing is that you have to make sure that people are going to fit in.
19:30And I had this fantastic conversation with this Blake this week,
19:33who went, what I should do, what I should do is I should just ask one question.
19:37Right, they should say, should there be immigration?
19:41And if they say no, you should let them in.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46Well, they should have been great if midway through the test,
19:49it would stop and go, OK, you've got Welsh citizenship.
19:52LAUGHTER
19:54Do you want to stop?
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58LAUGHTER
20:00D-d-d-d-d-d!
20:03It's difficult, though, isn't it? For English citizenship, you should simply go, you know,
20:08can you make this sound?
20:11I think all they need is, rather than have a test, they should give more that crib sheet they give to
20:16Indian call centre workers, you know, hello, this is Tony.
20:19No, it's not Tony.
20:22What's the weather there, like Tony?
20:24Rainy-est, yes.
20:26We've been found out, we've been found out, shut it down, shut it down!
20:29Move to Lahore, move to Lahore, open up again.
20:33Which publication did Charles and Camilla feature in recently?
20:37Reader's Wives.
20:40Very much not, no.
20:42They're in the Beano.
20:44So that's two outmoded institutions for the price of one.
20:48That's right, they've got a new strip called Lord Snooty and his Homeopath.
20:52Yes, that's it in the Beano, yes, celebrating their 75th anniversary.
20:56Hang on, hang on, hang on, what was that? Put that back up again.
20:58How was that you just popped up? No, not that one.
21:01Don't the one, the one you hid from us.
21:03Show us that one again.
21:04We've all seen it.
21:05Show us that one again, we've seen it.
21:07You've...that!
21:08LAUGHTER
21:11What the hell was that?
21:15When were you planning to run that one in?
21:18Some of us come out of that really badly.
21:21Andy appears to be a baby.
21:24He's tiny!
21:25Andy's a baby!
21:26I paid to be Minnie the Minx or something.
21:28I am huge!
21:30I look like a giant...
21:31You look like Sigourney Weaver or something.
21:35LAUGHTER
21:37Which one of us is holding the love beads?
21:39LAUGHTER
21:41Because they ain't going anywhere near me!
21:44LAUGHTER
21:46You look a bit like Wayne Rooney.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:50Really?
21:51Well, we're all the losers there.
21:52Great, that's been done by the person who actually draws them into the Minx.
21:55Yes.
21:56Why are we losers?
21:57Surely that's a life win, then.
21:58Why would you look at me?
21:59I'm like a tree!
22:00I'm a tree with a...
22:01Have a potato!
22:02With a smaller potato hovering on top of that potato.
22:04Well, listen.
22:05They've given me a chin that makes me look like a stealth bomber.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:10OK, at the end of that round, the points have got Andy Nathan and Miles!
22:14APPLAUSE
22:16Now we come to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
22:22I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
22:25OK, here we go.
22:26The first subject is...
22:29Unlikely things to hear on radio.
22:32You're listening to Radio U-Tree, the cream of the 1970s broadcasting live from Pentonville.
22:39LAUGHTER
22:41This is Jazz FM. You're listening by mistake.
22:47LAUGHTER
22:50This is The Breakfast News.
22:53The Prime Minister had porridge, the Home Secretary had muesli.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:58My piles are giving me so much bloody green...
23:03No...
23:04You're listening to Smooth FM.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:08This is the Somali shipping forecast.
23:13Don't go out there!
23:15LAUGHTER
23:17LAUGHTER
23:18This is Magic FM. Pick a frequency, any frequency.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:25APPLAUSE
23:27F9, hit.
23:31A2, miss.
23:33C3, hit.
23:35That was the battle shipping forecast.
23:38LAUGHTER
23:39APPLAUSE
23:40You're listening to Radio 3.
23:45Anyone?
23:46Anyone?
23:47Anyone?
23:48Anyone?
23:49Bueller?
23:50Bueller?
23:51LAUGHTER
23:54On Talk Radio today, we've been discussing what a tosser Nick Clegg is.
23:58And now on the line, we've got David from Central London.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:07That was God Is Dead by Black Sabbath.
24:09You're listening to Vatican Radio.
24:13APPLAUSE
24:17And at number one this week, Jedward.
24:19Proving that teenage girls cannot be trusted with money.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:23Well, I'm in the eye in the sky with the travel report.
24:28I've waited 20 years to file this particular report.
24:31If I look down, I can see...
24:33Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow...
24:36LAUGHTER
24:39Don't touch that dial!
24:41I'm defrosting a pie.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45Next up on Radio 1, Nick Grimshaw.
24:49He's not very good, but he's only 28,
24:51so he definitely didn't get up to anything in the 1970s.
24:54LAUGHTER
24:59Next, Ed Miliband lays out his policies in
25:01I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:08It's now 10pm on Radio 4.
25:10And before the news, his five minutes of free porn.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:19OK, the next topic is...
25:21Things you wouldn't hear on a science documentary.
25:25My favourite element is helium.
25:28I can't speak highly enough of it!
25:30LAUGHTER
25:35The solar system is so vast
25:38that it could comfortably accommodate your mum.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:47The most fascinating thing is,
25:48if you really spend enough time
25:50looking at the alignment of the stars,
25:52your wife will leave you.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:59They call it dark matter.
26:00Well, whatever it is, I've tried to flush it four times,
26:03and there's somebody there.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:08The light from this new, distant planet
26:11takes so long to get here
26:12that we're actually seeing things that happened years ago.
26:15And that's why scientists have named it...
26:17Dave.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21Tonight, we're discussing sports science.
26:26Is it a real job, or is it just P.E. when it's raining?
26:31LAUGHTER
26:36In our next experiment,
26:37we're going to prove that putting Dara O'Breen
26:38in a room full of young people
26:39still doesn't make science interesting.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:42LAUGHTER
26:43Ooh!
26:44Ooh!
26:45Ooh!
26:46LAUGHTER
26:47APPLAUSE
26:52I think we've got the points.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:56So, if we look through the telescope,
26:58we can see the biggest black hole ever found.
27:04Oh, no, I've left the lens cap on.
27:06LAUGHTER
27:11Weren't D-Ream shit?
27:13LAUGHTER
27:18How does your granny's stair lift work?
27:21Well, it's all to do with nanotechnology.
27:24LAUGHTER
27:25Yeah.
27:29No, Nigel, that's not how you make a test tube, baby.
27:32Get your penis out of the test tube.
27:34LAUGHTER
27:40So, this is amazing.
27:41Right, so, what you're saying is that somewhere, Professor Cox,
27:43in a parallel universe, there is a me with hair.
27:47That's right, Dara.
27:51The end of that round.
27:52LAUGHTER
27:54Nobody gets any points at the end of that round.
27:58Everyone come back.
27:59Chris, Hugh and Gary get the points.
28:02APPLAUSE
28:06And that's the end of the show.
28:07This week's winners are...
28:08Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
28:12APPLAUSE
28:14Commiserations to Andy Farsons, Nathan Catons and Myles Jock.
28:19APPLAUSE
28:21I'm Dara Breen.
28:22Good night.
28:24APPLAUSE
28:25And the news will be from New Zealand.
28:31How are you, Peter?
28:36Last week is the meeting.
28:37Through the team, as a Terry Aliyair.
28:38After the team has arrived...
28:39Do you want to see the last week of the day?
28:40I'm going back to the end.
28:41It's about the day.
28:42It's about from New Zealand.
28:43It's about from New Zealand,
28:44it's about from New Zealand,
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