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00:00MUSIC PLAYS
00:02Don't believe in everything you see or hear.
00:08Read all about it. Read all about it.
00:13News of the world. News of the world.
00:16Read all about it. Read all about it.
00:21News of the world. News of the world.
00:26APPLAUSE
00:28Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
00:30I'm Dara Breen and joining me this week are Andy Parsons,
00:33Ed Byrne and Chris Ramsey, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Rob Beckett.
00:37APPLAUSE
00:43We start with a round call.
00:45If this is the answer, what is the question on the board of six categories?
00:48Rob, which category would you like?
00:49Politics.
00:50OK, the category is politics and the answer is 9%.
00:53What's the question?
00:54Um, is it percentage of British people without sunburn?
00:58Essentials today, yes.
00:59Speaking in this room, I think.
01:01Yes.
01:02Is it the percentage of British men who bought for their wife 50 shades of grey,
01:06then tied them to the bed and pissed off down the pub?
01:09LAUGHTER
01:11Is it what percentage of this panel will still be alive
01:14when Dave show the final repeat of this episode?
01:17LAUGHTER
01:19Amen, brother.
01:20APPLAUSE
01:21OK.
01:22Sorry, I'm genuine, Dave.
01:24Genuinely, what percentage of people actually can't believe it's not butter?
01:28LAUGHTER
01:30What percentage of Dale Winton's skin has not been replaced by world of leather?
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43Please, please.
01:44Can we just have a proper answer for once in a show?
01:46Is this the MPs' pay rise?
01:48Is this how much are MPs' pay due to go up by?
01:51Absolutely right, thank you very much.
01:52Ed Byrd!
01:53APPLAUSE
01:55Yes, the question I was looking for was,
01:59by how much should MPs' salaries rise,
02:01according to the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority,
02:04as IPSA, this is the news app,
02:06IPSA review body has proposed a rise in MPs' pay
02:09to around £74,000 a year,
02:11an increase of 9% on their current salary of around £66,000.
02:15Should they get the pay rise?
02:16No.
02:17Why?
02:18Well, because it's easy for me to score points with the audience by saying no.
02:21OK.
02:228 grand's hardly enough to put a secret love child through private school.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:28It's not like football, is it?
02:29In football, you have to stop other countries nicking your best players.
02:32It's not like other governments are trying to nick our politicians, is it?
02:35Cameron's going to be like,
02:36I've said no to Spain, they can't have Gove.
02:38Do you know what I mean?
02:39LAUGHTER
02:40They're trying to buy him.
02:41I feel quite sorry for MPs,
02:43because people all think that all MPs are money-grabbing bastards,
02:47but they're not all money-grabbing.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:52Ed Miliband...
02:53Ed Miliband has said that he's going to stop any Labour MPs
02:56having a second job by the next election.
02:58But, of course, by then, a lot of them won't have a first job.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:02Do they get 15 quid a day food allowance for lunch?
03:05Yes, they do, and the government...
03:07That's like free Subway sandwiches.
03:09That's free footlongs.
03:10That's 36-inch of sandwich.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13That is too much for anyone, you can wear it as a belt.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:16I don't think the...
03:18I don't think the...
03:19I don't think the voucher is exclusively for Subway.
03:24Oh, that's why I've been told.
03:25Yeah.
03:26So it's just like,
03:27oh, this is only redeemable at the Parliament Subway.
03:30LAUGHTER
03:31And the queue is really long.
03:33There's this one Subway guy making...
03:36LAUGHTER
03:37It's the travel stuff, right?
03:39They're being restricted on taxis,
03:40they're not going to be allowed to use taxis any more.
03:42Not going to be allowed to use taxis.
03:43Where are Tory MPs going to get their ideas
03:46if they're not allowed to take taxis?
03:48Stephen Cameron is so basically like a taxi driver,
03:50I'm surprised he doesn't stand with his back to the dispatch box going,
03:53oh, Tony, country's problem is immigration.
03:55That's the problem with his country.
03:57LAUGHTER
03:58They never have proper second jobs, do they?
03:59It's always like a posh sort of business role.
04:01It's never just like...
04:02Cos I had a second...
04:03I used to work in a market and in a pub.
04:04Do you know what I mean?
04:05Like, my dad used to be a carpet fitter and on the dole.
04:07Do you know what I mean?
04:08They've always got posh...
04:09LAUGHTER
04:13How's the government made this week?
04:14It's on cigarette packaging.
04:17Yes.
04:18They were planning to say
04:19that cigarettes were going to have to come in plain white packets.
04:23In Canada,
04:24and they have the photographs on the packets as well,
04:27but they also have...
04:28In the French provinces, like in Quebec,
04:31they've got it in both English and in French, the health warnings.
04:34And I had bought a pack of cigarettes,
04:36and on one side it said,
04:37cigarettes cause cancer,
04:38and on the other side it said,
04:40le cigarette cause le cancer.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:44Was that really entirely necessary?
04:47Is it...
04:48It wasn't for that aloe?
04:49And then, like, the French people,
04:50there is no aloe.
04:51They cannot be talking to us.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53I will smoke with impunity.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56If you wanted to put people off smoking,
04:57just make one cigarette in every packet explosive.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01How about that?
05:03Or...
05:04Or, genetically modified cigarettes,
05:05so that as you smoke them they go,
05:07HELP, I'M SHRINKING!
05:09I'M SHRINKING!
05:10LAUGHTER
05:11It's like the...
05:12It's like the government's drink-aware campaign, though, is it?
05:14Who doesn't actually drink-aware?
05:17Who...
05:18Who has four pints of Stella,
05:19starts dribbling,
05:20punching themselves in the face,
05:22going,
05:23this has come as a complete shock to me?
05:24LAUGHTER
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26Er...
05:27What is Michael Gove being encouraged to do?
05:29Fuck off.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:31That's not going now.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36Chris!
05:37Chris!
05:38He only asked a question,
05:39it's his job.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41OK.
05:42On health matters,
05:43what has Michael Gove been encouraged to do?
05:45Piss off!
05:46LAUGHTER
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52It is...
05:53It is...
05:54Ask again!
05:55Ask again!
05:56Baskin, if you keep asking,
05:57we're going to get the swearing down each time,
05:59so by the end it's just,
06:00shove off, you Nancy!
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02Oh, it really is the last show in the series!
06:05Er...
06:06Er...
06:07When are we playing Kerplunk?
06:08Er...
06:09And...
06:10The difference between...
06:11Can I ask the question?
06:12No!
06:13You've already asked it three times!
06:14Do I need to answer it yourself?
06:15Have you got the answers?
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17Where's the point of us being here?
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21Let's all gather ourselves for a moment!
06:24LAUGHTER
06:25This'll be great, the DVD, they're saying.
06:27Er...
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29OK.
06:30So, what else...
06:31In other health news...
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33What health initiative is coming into schools?
06:35Michael Gove is saying school lunches should be banned.
06:37Why? Why?
06:38Because apparently only 1% of them meet the nutritional requirements
06:41that school dinners are supposed to have.
06:43Yes.
06:44That's the facts!
06:45Yeah, yeah.
06:46I don't have a joke!
06:47Yeah.
06:48It's true!
06:49But essentially, only 1% of them...
06:50I don't know.
06:51I don't like this story anyway.
06:52Is it just me?
06:53I don't want to think about Michael Gove's lunchbox.
06:55LAUGHTER
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58I just don't want to think about it.
07:00Well, I'm sorry, what...
07:02I presume people put it...
07:03What are people putting into it?
07:04Like, are there only 1% of...
07:05Well, not the kind of stuff I...
07:07You see, this seems to be a very unfair story
07:09because they're saying that packed lunches are very unhealthy
07:11compared to the school lunches.
07:12But they're not...
07:13I mean, when I had...
07:14I only had...
07:15I've had packed lunches.
07:16I had brown bread sandwiches.
07:17I had two cubes of jelly.
07:19What?
07:20Yeah.
07:21Yeah.
07:22You mean, that wasn't that, man?
07:23Jelly that wasn't made?
07:24Jelly that wasn't made.
07:25Because my mum didn't like giving us chocolate or sweets or something.
07:27The dense...
07:28The dense jelly.
07:29She used to cut up a jelly,
07:31you know, the cube that you make it from,
07:33and give me two bits of it.
07:34It sounds like I was rushing it.
07:35And it was really, really nice,
07:37but for the rest of the day after I've had it,
07:39I was always slightly worried that it might turn into jelly.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:44Just a huge-shaped...
07:46If you drank a glass of water,
07:48it was going to go...
07:50There.
07:51Just split apart and there'd be a huge-shaped jelly there.
07:53That's the biggest jelly baby in the world.
07:55Yeah.
07:56You also said you had brown bread sandwiches.
07:58Brown bread.
07:59Do you mean, like, two slices of brown bread
08:01with a slice of brown bread?
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03You have to...
08:04You're thinking,
08:05how can packed lunches have only one percent
08:07of the nutritional requirement of a school dinner?
08:10What are people putting in these packed lunches?
08:12Is it like a large sandwich and a sugar cube?
08:14You're thinking,
08:15some of the kids must be so stupid,
08:17they're actually eating the plastic box.
08:19LAUGHTER
08:20LAUGHTER
08:22It's more control.
08:24No, no, but they do.
08:25The problem is parents do have control.
08:27Every time they try and solve this problem,
08:29the parents get in the way.
08:30When Jamie Oliver tried it, right,
08:31tried to make...
08:32get rid of turkey twitters,
08:33put healthy food in school,
08:34so mum's at the school gate
08:36passing packets of chips
08:38through to the...
08:39If you want to solve this problem,
08:40it's not a policy thing,
08:41just make the railings thinner
08:43so they can't shove the massive ham...
08:45Sandra!
08:46You're going to have to put your face right up
08:48and eat to feed them to your individual!
08:50LAUGHTER
08:51You know which kids it was?
08:52They go in after lunch with shiny lips
08:53and two rust lines down the face.
08:55LAUGHTER
08:56You're making an excellent point,
08:57but you said turkey twitters.
08:58I genuinely thought you said
08:59when they tried to get rid of
09:00Turkish prisoners.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:02Why are Turkish prisoners
09:04feeding children in school?
09:06Because they are...
09:07What were you thinking
09:08until the rest of that thing?
09:09For the whole thing,
09:10I was going,
09:11well, one of them is called Sandra.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13And that, really,
09:14is the clue as to the likelihood
09:16that I didn't actually say that.
09:17See, that's wrong!
09:18You put it that way, it makes more sense.
09:20They're suggesting that teachers
09:21should eat with the kids,
09:23but the thing is that, you know,
09:25a lot of teachers do currently
09:26eat with the kids,
09:27although it's usually
09:28in the form of a romantic meal,
09:29isn't it?
09:30LAUGHTER
09:31Merry Christmas!
09:32Merry Christmas, DVD owners!
09:34Merry Christmas, DVD owners!
09:36OK, at the end of that round,
09:37the points go to Chris,
09:38Ed and Andy!
09:39APPLAUSE
09:46Now we play a round called
09:48Graduating from Moxford University.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:51This game involves
09:53Rob Beckett and Chris Ramsey,
09:55so if you could both,
09:56please make your way
09:57to the performance area.
09:58This round is our stand-up challenge.
09:59I launch the Wheel of News
10:00and wherever it chooses to stop,
10:01one of our performers must step forward
10:02and talk about that subject.
10:03The winner is whoever I think
10:05is the funniest.
10:06OK, here we go.
10:07Let's spin the wheel.
10:09And the first topic is travel.
10:11Who wants to come in at that?
10:13Chris?
10:14LAUGHTER
10:15I don't know what's happening.
10:16It's all different on the telly.
10:18I take public transport quite a lot
10:21doing this job.
10:22I'm not a fan.
10:24I don't really like being in public
10:25walking around.
10:26It's nothing...
10:27I don't get normal things
10:28in public when I'm walking along.
10:29I don't get normal interactions.
10:31I don't get...
10:32I don't know what time is it.
10:33Excuse me, where's the train station?
10:34I get like...
10:35Do you like leaves?
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Like...
10:38I write a book on it, right?
10:40And the thing is,
10:41as a northerner,
10:42people said to me before I came to London
10:43to do work and stuff,
10:44people said,
10:45Oh, the Tube.
10:46Oh, the Tube's awful.
10:47No one talks.
10:48No one talks.
10:49Good!
10:50That's brilliant!
10:51I don't want nutters on public transport
10:53telling us what they've had
10:54for their breakfast.
10:55Right?
10:56I want to be left alone.
10:57You know, you're in the Tube.
10:58If you've never been in the Tube,
10:59come to London just to go on the Tube.
11:00It's an incredible experience.
11:01No one...
11:02Literally...
11:03Silence!
11:04It's amazing!
11:05Someone could just burst into flames
11:07on the Tube
11:08and all you'd get is one man looking up
11:10from a Kindle going,
11:11prick.
11:12Excuse me,
11:13can I just squeeze past?
11:14I'm very sorry.
11:15I don't mean to cause a fuss,
11:16but I'm in Zone 8
11:17in my Oyster Carl's Mountain.
11:18I'm very sorry.
11:20Good man, Chris.
11:21Well done.
11:22OK, that leaves us with Rob.
11:23Let's see what you've got.
11:24Let's spin the wheel again.
11:25And the topic is...
11:26Class.
11:27You're stuck with this.
11:28You're stuck with it.
11:41You're stuck with it.
11:42Yeah, I'm working class.
11:43If you're not sure,
11:44there's a little test you can do
11:45to see if you're working class or not.
11:46You normally work in class
11:48if your television is bigger than your bookcase.
11:50That's how it works.
11:51You normally work in class if your television is bigger than your bookcase.
11:55That's how it works.
11:57Even Mum's house, big 50-inch plasma on the wall,
11:59little Billy bookcase from Ikea next to it.
12:02BVD's on it normally. That's how it works.
12:06The thing is that my girlfriend's very middle-class, that's a problem.
12:09She used to be upper-class, but we're together now.
12:12And...
12:17Her sister has got a boyfriend, right, called Rupert.
12:22Rupert.
12:24That's in the name.
12:29I'm not having a go, it's a decent name, I just never thought I'd meet one.
12:35I was in a pub with him, Rupert, do you want another Malbec? What's happened to me?
12:39The thing is, though, when they go round their house, right, they...
12:42Like, in my house, growing up, Saturday night, you'd have dinner on your lap
12:45watching you being framed, right?
12:46Bit of a chavvy way to have your dinner, that's what we used to do.
12:48You'd go round their house, you'd sit in the conservatory,
12:50you'd have wine, talk about politics, right?
12:52And I started thinking, this is how you should do it, innit?
12:54This is how you should do dinner.
12:55Then after about ten minutes, I realised I haven't got an opinion,
12:58and I'd quite like to see a dog fall in a puddle.
13:02Well done.
13:03Well done to both of you. Points to both of you.
13:05Come on back, well done.
13:07Lovely stuff, come on.
13:08Well done, Chris and Rob there.
13:14Now, we play a game called Picture of the Week.
13:18I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
13:21So, teams, what's going on here?
13:23Oh, I see.
13:24Is it from the Daily Mail and it's Romanian asylum seekers swim to Britain?
13:29Is it thousands queue to use Brighton's ordinary jet ski?
13:35Is it scenes from the first ever live Where's Wally?
13:42Is it just bollocks, I thought I was the only one who had this idea?
13:46That bloke there at the front going, Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!
13:56I'll be on the red tape.
13:57Is it whole town of Brighton take part in fire drill?
13:59Is it Arabian Railway Station floats into Brighton?
14:05Is it, so, this is the queue for tickets for my new tour, Roaring Forties.
14:11Oh, no!
14:12You've even got to plug in. Well done. Very good.
14:15Is it, entire country embarrassed to have thrown a sickie at once?
14:21Is it an extract from Dora Brain's Bunga Bunga workout team?
14:27We do it on beaches up and down the country. It's quite beautiful.
14:31And you still don't know what it is.
14:32You still don't know what it is.
14:33You still don't know what it is.
14:34You still don't know what it is.
14:36Yeah.
14:37Is it shock as a UK newspaper has used same thought all five years in a row
14:40to let illiterate people know it was hot yesterday?
14:43Is it from the wildlife documentary When Sharks Can't Be Arsed?
14:53Is the beach just busy cos it's nice or not?
14:54Yeah, it's exactly what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:58Sometimes, boredy or not, you just cut to it.
15:00Yeah, it's Brighton Beach, of course.
15:03It's one of the many resorts heaving with sun seekers in the recent hot weather.
15:06Temperatures in parts of the country have trumped those in the Mediterranean
15:10where people are taking advantage of one of the longest heat waves in years,
15:13seeing temperatures rise to 30 degrees and above.
15:17Amazing. It's amazing.
15:19I was at Waterloo yesterday trying to get home
15:22and it was boiling, it was baking hot
15:25and the guards said all the trains are delayed because the tracks are warped.
15:28And I said, well, why is that a problem?
15:30He said, because south-east trains has become south-west trains.
15:36The N25 melted as well.
15:38It did matter.
15:40It's like our whole transport system has been designed by Dali, essentially.
15:43I don't think so.
15:44I don't think so.
15:46Why is it a problem with the N25 melts?
15:49All you do is you get a nice big knife, you spread it out, you've got another lane.
15:53I just fill all the gritters with sun cream.
15:56That'll sort out, innit?
15:57It's like, that'll be all right.
16:00Factor 50 will be all right.
16:02It did say that road menders, you know, were dispatched immediately to repair it.
16:07What did they do?
16:09It only melted because it's a soft southern road.
16:16That's all that happened.
16:17The A19, the A19 has pissed itself, it's been drinking for three days, it's sunburnt, it's still hanging in there.
16:25Apparently doggy sunscreen, the sales of that are up 500%.
16:31What a ridiculous thing that is.
16:34Dogs just like the shade, right?
16:36No dog has ever gone, oh, I'm just going to lie here, poaching my internal organs, I reckon I can take ten more minutes.
16:47It's very difficult for dogs to hold that reflecting thing under their cheek like that.
16:51They use those funnels.
16:52Oh, these are funnels?
16:53Oh, those are!
16:54You don't need sunscreen for pets, because pets have fur, and it keeps them warm in the winter and cool in the summer.
17:07If you put sunscreen on, it's just basically putting hair gel on them.
17:11They're trying to keep cool and not go on the pull, aren't they?
17:15How do you know about hair gel?
17:17A little bit of this, Ed.
17:20This is me going out for the night.
17:21I'm ready to roll!
17:24My favourite thing about when it's hot is when I go and check my gas meter, and it's still on 40 quid, and it's been on 40 quid for a week.
17:31To be fair, though, in the winter it's on 40 quid, because my uncle sorted it.
17:35It's all...
17:40Probably not the thing you want to admit on national television.
17:44There's been a 204% increase in barbecue sales.
17:48Right, and a 176% increase in charcoal sales, which means, Dara, that 28% of people forgot to buy charcoal.
17:57There he was.
17:59Nine million sausages sold by Tesco this week.
18:02Really?
18:03That's four pigs.
18:04And three horses.
18:08And three horses.
18:10Many horses died for that joke.
18:12Quite angry, though, in the summer.
18:13Everyone gets quite angry.
18:14It's more road rage in summer, isn't there?
18:15Because it's sort of hot.
18:16People wouldn't get out and fight.
18:17Like, in winter, no-one's going to get out.
18:18Do you know what I mean?
18:19Like, if someone's really annoyed you and cut you up, you're going to,
18:20come on then, but...
18:21Oh, it's minus three.
18:22See you in spring.
18:23Do you know what I mean?
18:24The cutting-up thing.
18:25The cutting-up, I don't really cut people up.
18:27I'm a very excellent driver.
18:28But I hate it if I'm in a taxi and the taxi cuts somebody up,
18:31because the person who gets cut up always looks at you, the passenger,
18:35like you're the one at fault, like you ordered the taxi driver.
18:38Get me to where I want to go now.
18:39There's an extra tenner in it if you just step on every toes, right?
18:43So any time I'm in a taxi and the taxi ever cuts somebody up, right,
18:45I always make sure I'm rammed up against the window doing this.
18:48Why might we be hearing more of this sound?
18:58Because it's the summer.
19:03No, but longer of that sound.
19:05Have they been allowed to play their chimes longer?
19:07Yes, they have.
19:09There was a law that passed, a chime law passed.
19:11I mean, there are various small laws passed this week,
19:13like gay marriage, for example, but no, we're not talking about that.
19:15We're talking about the chime laws,
19:17where ice cream men are allowed to play for 12 seconds
19:20rather than for four seconds.
19:21Is it because of childhood obesity
19:22that they need more time to get to the ice cream?
19:24Yes.
19:25Yeah.
19:26Yeah.
19:27There is a real problem with ice cream vans.
19:31I'm not sure this is funny, but it's kind of interesting.
19:33OK.
19:34Which is that it's all based on a national consultation
19:36they had about the future of ice cream vans.
19:38And do you know how many responses they got
19:40to the national consultation?
19:4299. Tell me it's 99.
19:4450.
19:45No.
19:46No.
19:47No.
19:48No.
19:49No.
19:50Gradually.
19:51OK.
19:52At the moment we're recording now,
19:54what is the nation gearing up to?
19:57What is...?
19:58No.
19:59No.
20:00That's not true.
20:01A royal baby.
20:02Yes, it is, yeah.
20:03David Beckham was asked, wasn't he,
20:04as to what he thought the kid should be called,
20:06and he said he thought it should be called David,
20:08but only if it was a boy.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:13And you're freaking...
20:14You're thinking, when has David Beckham got so sensible
20:17about names?
20:19Auckland, Harper, Cruise.
20:21You can't tell whether it's male or female,
20:24or a boat trip round New York.
20:26LAUGHTER
20:27It has to be something that goes with princess
20:30or eventually queen.
20:31So...
20:32Well...
20:33Latifah.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:35Or of the south.
20:36Those are...
20:37Do you have a better name?
20:38Greatest hits.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41APPLAUSE
20:42What name they give the baby should depend on
20:46what they take as a surname.
20:48So if they're going to go with Windsor,
20:50if it's a girl, Barbara,
20:51and if it's a boy, Legoland,
20:53and if they're going with Cambridge,
20:54either way, Travel Lodge.
20:56LAUGHTER
20:57It's the key of that.
20:58It's the state of Britain today, though,
20:59that Prince Charles is going to become a grandfather
21:02before he's even got his first job.
21:04I mean, that's a tragedy, isn't it?
21:06Yeah.
21:07That is a tragedy.
21:08And he lives in an estate.
21:09You look like I'm going to be out there.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:11I don't know how you discipline a royal baby, though.
21:13What's that?
21:14I don't know how you discipline a royal baby, though.
21:16What's that?
21:17I don't know how you discipline a royal baby, though.
21:19What's that?
21:20I don't know how you discipline a royal baby, though.
21:22What can you do to a royal kid to go, like,
21:24right, you've been naughty, you're grounded.
21:25Well, in Buckingham Palace, quality.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28The only bit that I'm really looking forward to
21:30is the bit where they finally announce the baby
21:33when Prince William comes out onto the balcony,
21:35going,
21:36Hey!
21:37Have a handy!
21:38Hello!
21:39Hey!
21:40Hi!
21:41A man with children.
21:46Just a bunch of giraffes on the balcony.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:50Oh, at the end of that round,
21:52the points go to Chris Ed and Andy!
21:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:57Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
22:00so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
22:03I'll read out this week's topics
22:04and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
22:06OK, here we go.
22:07The first subject is...
22:09Questions omitted from this year's exams.
22:12Using pie, distract the fat kid next to you
22:16so as you can copy his answers.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:21APPLAUSE
22:23Using only the English language,
22:26write something.
22:28LAUGHTER
22:30LAUGHTER
22:32Ah!
22:33History.
22:34Henry IV,
22:35Henry V,
22:36Henry VII.
22:37Which was the greatest hoover the caretaker ever had?
22:41LAUGHTER
22:42LAUGHTER
22:47Maths.
22:48Robert has 400 stamps.
22:50He'd like to put them in 12 different albums.
22:52He wants to have them equally in each album.
22:54How many friends does Robert have?
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57Do you know the way to San Jose?
23:02LAUGHTER
23:03Ah!
23:04Religious studies.
23:08If two men have been married for ten years,
23:11for how long will they burn in hell for?
23:14LAUGHTER
23:16If the fluid has been flowing at 21 litres a minute
23:21for 15 minutes,
23:22what on earth is wrong with my bladder?
23:24LAUGHTER
23:25LAUGHTER
23:30Fill your name at the top of the exam paper.
23:31If it's Tyler or Charmaine,
23:32get up, leave the school and never come back.
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36APPLAUSE
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38Using only the mass of the ass
23:41and the angle of the dangle,
23:43calculate the measure of the pleasure.
23:44LAUGHTER
23:46LAUGHTER
23:47APPLAUSE
23:48Yes.
23:49APPLAUSE
23:50If a man travels 12 miles each day
23:52to buy a loaf of bread,
23:54how long before he realises that living in the countryside is shit?
23:58LAUGHTER
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00LAUGHTER
24:02Are multiple choice exams too easy?
24:05Eh?
24:06Yes.
24:07LAUGHTER
24:09LAUGHTER
24:11APPLAUSE
24:13Optician's final exam.
24:16What do you think are the main causes of short-sightedness?
24:19And now?
24:20How about now?
24:22And now?
24:23What about now?
24:24And now?
24:25What about now?
24:26And now?
24:27LAUGHTER
24:28LAUGHTER
24:30Media studies, trick question one.
24:33Name a business like show business.
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37LAUGHTER
24:38LAUGHTER
24:39APPLAUSE
24:41APPLAUSE
24:43APPLAUSE
24:44Geography.
24:45What is to blame for climate change?
24:48A, the sunlight,
24:49B, the moonshine,
24:51C, the good times,
24:53or D, the boogies?
24:55APPLAUSE
24:56APPLAUSE
24:57OK, the next topic is...
25:00..things a weather forecaster would never say.
25:03The sun'll come out tomorrow!
25:08Bet your bottles, darling!
25:10BUZZ!
25:11APPLAUSE
25:12APPLAUSE
25:14And these are the worst floods since records began,
25:19which was last year,
25:20when all the records were destroyed in that flood.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:24LAUGHTER
25:25This is a map, I'm not a giant.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:31LAUGHTER
25:33It's going to be a bit blowy today.
25:36It's my birthday and me wife promised me one.
25:39LAUGHTER
25:41Later on it's going to be raining cats and dogs,
25:45because a bomb's gone off in Battersea.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:48LAUGHTER
25:49Well, it was cloudy earlier.
25:55I think I may have a urine infection.
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59It's well hot, innit?
26:04LAUGHTER
26:06LAUGHTER
26:08Well, it was a frosty start for some of us this morning,
26:13cos I came in pissed again
26:15and accidentally got in bed with me mother-in-law.
26:18LAUGHTER
26:19LAUGHTER
26:21Well, you'll be glad to know that scientists
26:23have finally explained
26:24why we've been enduring this rather long spell
26:26of disappointing weather.
26:28Apparently, we live in Britain.
26:31LAUGHTER
26:33LAUGHTER
26:34And over the next three days,
26:38we will see some spells of rain.
26:41The entrails never lie.
26:43LAUGHTER
26:46Things should be getting a lot cooler.
26:48I've just made friends with a black man.
26:50LAUGHTER
26:52LAUGHTER
26:54LAUGHTER
26:56Well, I'm afraid you're going to get wet laser on.
27:00I'm following you, and I've got a bucket.
27:03LAUGHTER
27:09I'm sure the ladies are going to be wearing skimpy bikinis tomorrow.
27:12It could reach 90 degrees,
27:14which is not bad for a man my age.
27:17LAUGHTER
27:19LAUGHTER
27:24It is going to be a scorcher,
27:25so, guys, you might as well just staple your balls
27:27to the inside of your thigh,
27:28cos those bad boys are going nowhere.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31LAUGHTER
27:36Thank you very much, Dave.
27:37Yeah, pretty easy reporting on things
27:38that have already happened.
27:39Now, predicting the future.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43And now the shipping forecast.
27:49Dogger.
27:50Car park.
27:51My penis.
27:52Rising slowly.
27:54LAUGHTER
27:56OK, the end of that round,
27:57the points go to Chris here in round!
28:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:06And that's the end of the show.
28:08This week's winners are
28:09Andy Farsons, Ed Byrne and Chris Landy.
28:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:14COMMISERATIONS TO CHRIS ADDISON,
28:18Hugh Dennis and Rob Beckett.
28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:23I'm Gareth Breen.
28:24Good night.
28:25APPLAUSE
28:26MUSIC
28:27MUSIC
28:30MUSIC
28:31MUSIC
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