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00:00Hello and welcome to Mock of the Week.
00:29I'm Dowerberry and joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Hal Cruttenden and Myles Jupp, Alistair McGowan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
00:43We start tonight with a round called Picture of the Week.
00:46I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening. So, what's going on here?
00:51Er, is Putin saying,
00:53Dem, did I put the cyanide in the tea or in the sherry?
00:56Is Cameron in fact trying to upset Putin by trying to drink his sherry in the most gay way possible?
01:05Putin does look really relaxed, doesn't he? I think he's watching one of his favourite sports and maybe two bears killing a dog.
01:12What, bear bear dog? I love bear bear dogs.
01:17I watch it on Russian television all the time.
01:20Cameron, presumably, is just saying,
01:21Two more series and I invade Syria.
01:23Is that David Cameron tries to lighten the mood at the G20 by playing a tiny trumpet?
01:31Are you sure it's not actually a picture of Mr Burns and Smithers?
01:37LAUGHTER
01:41I think they're discussing election strategy.
01:43I think Putin's explaining how he's already won his next four elections.
01:46LAUGHTER
01:49Presumably, they're playing the Obama speech drinking game.
01:53Every time Obama says red line, they have to have a drink.
01:56LAUGHTER
01:57Neither of them are speaking.
02:02LAUGHTER
02:03That's true.
02:05APPLAUSE
02:09Taking apart the entire conceit.
02:12Can I just say at this point that I can't do an impression of David Cameron.
02:16I don't think anybody can.
02:17And in fact, I think I was only asked on this programme tonight,
02:19because Dara, actually, there was a point in a week that Dara was not feeling very well.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:24So they said, um...
02:26APPLAUSE
02:28So we need to cover in case Dara isn't making this show
02:30and looking at the recording.
02:31So if you could come in and do that, it would be great.
02:34Andy Barsons!
02:38APPLAUSE
02:42Particularly, particularly savage Ed Byrne impersonation you're doing there.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:47I never knew he had a love child with Louis Walsh,
02:50but they seem to be living in one giant house together,
02:53raised by Terry Wogan.
02:55Anyway, so...
02:56Don't worry, we won't let him insult you like that again.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:01Do they have the correct answer, please?
03:03They're at the G20.
03:04They are, of course, at the G20.
03:06Thank you very much, Andy Park.
03:08APPLAUSE
03:10Very good.
03:12This is a picture of Vladimir Putin and David Cameron
03:14at the recent G20 summit when Russia played host to world leaders in St Petersburg.
03:19The gathering was at times deemed to be frosty with leaders clashing over Syria.
03:23Do we think Russia were good hosts?
03:25No, I don't. I think they were great, were they?
03:27They slagged us off for being a small island.
03:29They did.
03:30And then Cameron had to come forward and say,
03:31look, we've had lots of achievements, including Shakespeare, the Beatles, and One Direction.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:40And, of course, One Direction making it big in America at the moment,
03:43and we've got to thank the Americans, because, obviously, the more time they spend in America,
03:46the less time they spend in the UK.
03:49APPLAUSE
03:52I think the insult was in translation, anyway, wasn't it?
03:54Because Putin actually said, little country,
03:56and it wasn't about Britain, it was about Cameron,
03:59and he didn't add tree at the end.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:03It was...
04:05They didn't feel that the G20 normally had a rap slam-down session.
04:08Where countries would bang the others.
04:10Oh, there it is.
04:11Oh, Britain, you're so small, you only got one time zone.
04:15Oh!
04:17Can you hear me, Indonesia?
04:18I think you can!
04:20Oh, I'm sorry, Britain, you don't have a Tundra region.
04:22Canada knows what I'm talking about, yeah!
04:25Also, I don't think that Britain does only have one time zone,
04:28and the lowest of these years behind them.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:33If it was bad for Britain being insulted,
04:34there were countries who came out of it worse.
04:36Spain have dropped out of the G20,
04:38and they just got an observer's seat,
04:41which is like, invites them to your dinner party,
04:43going, well, I've got an old deck chair,
04:45you can sit over here,
04:46and you can watch the chat going on,
04:49and some mismatched cuttery we can give you.
04:51We'll chuck you a drumstick every now and again.
04:53Every doctor, you know.
04:54You all right there, Spain?
04:55See, see, well, there.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:59And the seating plan, do you see all the hassle
05:01with the seating plan?
05:02Well, it's a great shot, isn't it?
05:03It's a fabulous shot, isn't it?
05:04When did they put in the massive roulette ball?
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08That'd be great.
05:09Who's going to speak next?
05:10We'll find out with this.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:13Spain has to run around the outside.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:18Being chased by a bull.
05:20Spain has to run around the outside,
05:21they have to tap somebody on the shoulder.
05:23The person has to get up and run after Spain,
05:25and if they catch Spain before Spain get into their chair,
05:27then they get to keep their place in the G20.
05:30To me, that looks like a meeting of the BBC bosses
05:32to discuss the overspending problem.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36Why don't we just throw a load of money into the middle
05:37and we'll wrestle for it.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40There's no way into the middle
05:41that there would have been some point
05:42where somebody would have called for an aide
05:44and gone,
05:45I've dropped my pen.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49Get my pen.
05:50Discreetly lower themselves into the middle of the moraine.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55Slowly lift the pen back out and go,
05:56Don't mind me!
05:58LAUGHTER
06:00What gift, by the way?
06:01Do you want a Russian gift?
06:03Oh, yes, coasters.
06:04No.
06:05The Ashes of Kim Philby.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09No, it might have been a tea towel.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:13That would have been great at a tiny Ashes thing.
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16They could have played spying tournaments every two years
06:18with the Ashes of Kim Philby.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:21Was it Bill Bryson's book, Notes from a Small Island?
06:24Oh, that would have been a zinger.
06:27Fantastic.
06:28Maybe you've read it.
06:29It covers your entire country in 200 pages.
06:32I think Canada knows what I'm talking about!
06:34LAUGHTER
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37LAUGHTER
06:39She wore that at an international level.
06:41Zing!
06:43I did like it one of those Russian dolls
06:45with Cameron on the outside and then Gordon Brown in that,
06:48and then Tony Blair inside that.
06:50And it descended down.
06:51And then all the way back to Churchill.
06:52All the way down to Churchill.
06:53It was a Sarah Russian doll with British pronouns.
06:56So, Ted Heath was inside Margaret Thatcher.
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00LAUGHTER
07:01Which would have come as a surprise to a lot of people.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:05And a first for Ted Heath.
07:06APPLAUSE
07:07OK, moving on.
07:09What's going on here?
07:10Is it bring your son to work day?
07:12LAUGHTER
07:14LAUGHTER
07:15APPLAUSE
07:16If that is a corgi by the Queen's blanket,
07:20that needs a bit of grooming, doesn't it?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:25Is Charles saying,
07:26Andrew's down!
07:27They've got him!
07:28He fell for it completely!
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31Is the Queen going,
07:32Look!
07:33The Middletons are driving themselves!
07:35LAUGHTER
07:37Is the Queen saying,
07:38Oh, look, Charles, there's Helen Mirren.
07:40I'm going to be playing her in a new Danny Boyle film.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43It's possible they are just enjoying the badger cult.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:47LAUGHTER
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50Maybe...
07:51Maybe they're not speaking.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:55Stop undermining the structure.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04Whilst the Queen was up in Scotland,
08:06who was found by police in Buckingham Palace Gardens?
08:09It was Prince Andrew.
08:10Yes.
08:11And apparently the police stopped him,
08:12they thought he was a waster,
08:13and it turned out they were wrong.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:16He was afforded to me, he'd go,
08:18State your business!
08:19He'd go,
08:20Er...
08:21Tenuous enough.
08:22You there with the tan and the golf clubs.
08:24Before you get into that helicopter.
08:25Who are you?
08:26LAUGHTER
08:27What are you doing here?
08:28They said they wanted him to prove that he was a royal,
08:31and apparently he just stood around doing nothing,
08:34and they took that as sufficient proof.
08:36LAUGHTER
08:37Do you know the most stupid thing about this,
08:38is he apparently said to the policeman who stopped him,
08:41he said,
08:42Do you know who I am?
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45And to which the answer is,
08:46Clearly not.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48He does have that look of a man who's eaten Prince Andrew.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53Did he actually lives in the garden?
08:55He was found in the garden, wasn't he?
08:56Yes, he was.
08:57He was walking around the ground.
08:58Did he actually lives in the garden?
08:59LAUGHTER
09:00He had a big...
09:01A big...
09:02A big stick of the dump.
09:03Does he live in the garden?
09:04That's what I want to know.
09:05Has he fallen so far down the royal packing order
09:07that he now actually just lives in the garden?
09:09Of...
09:10Of nuts and berries.
09:11Yes.
09:12What was the timeline of this, though?
09:13Is this before the burglary,
09:14or was this after the burglary?
09:15It was after...
09:16Sorry, yeah, there was a burglary at Manbrook Inn...
09:18Two days beforehand.
09:19Two days beforehand.
09:20At least there was a lot of...
09:21They were all on a little bit more...
09:22Yeah, yeah.
09:23I didn't think that man was still hanging around there,
09:24did they?
09:25Two days off in the burglary.
09:26They often accrue to the scene of the crime.
09:27LAUGHTER
09:28That's one of the things I've learned about the criminal class,
09:31is that what it is.
09:32Who...
09:33Who did they contact, by the way,
09:34to give a comment on this break-in?
09:35Oh, Michael Fagan.
09:36Michael Fagan.
09:37Oh.
09:38Michael Fagan, who broke into the burglary 30 years ago
09:39and sat on the edge of the Queen's Bed for an hour,
09:41until eventually...
09:43I think it's like she said,
09:44Would you like a cup of tea?
09:45And he said,
09:46I'll just ring for a while,
09:47something in my room!
09:48LAUGHTER
09:49They almost said that...
09:50Would you like a cup of tea?
09:51They said that was very dangerous, didn't they?
09:53Because he sat on the edge of the Queen's Bed,
09:55but the edge of the Queen's Bed,
09:56it's up to a quarter of a mile away from the Queen's.
09:58LAUGHTER
09:59I can't believe people aren't breaking in the whole time
10:01to Buckingham Palace.
10:02It's one of the few places where there's a flag
10:04to tell you if anyone's home or not.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:13They leave the flag up.
10:14Right?
10:15They leave the flag up and one light in the hole.
10:17That...
10:18LAUGHTER
10:19And...
10:20The whole country was shocked, I think,
10:21by the burglary.
10:22Everyone was thinking,
10:23how can you get an intruder into the past?
10:24We were all shocked by it,
10:25except Helen Mirren,
10:26who was probably thinking,
10:27right, that's another film for me to do with it.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:29Liam Neeson...
10:30The Queen, too.
10:31Who's in my house?
10:32LAUGHTER
10:34Liam Neeson playing the burglar,
10:35Liam Neeson playing the burglar,
10:36going,
10:37so, you're probably wondering how I got into your bedroom,
10:39Your Majesty.
10:40How does Aslan ever get anywhere?
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43Came in through the wardrobe.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45I honestly thought you were going to go with Taken instead.
10:48LAUGHTER
10:49You were going to say,
10:51I have a very specific set of skills.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:55I don't see adult films,
10:56I just see the child films.
10:57Yes, OK.
10:58What is anyone talking about?
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01LAUGHTER
11:03LAUGHTER
11:04LAUGHTER
11:05Perhaps, Miles,
11:06we weren't talking.
11:07LAUGHTER
11:08LAUGHTER
11:09APPLAUSE
11:11Very good.
11:14At the end of that round,
11:15the points go to Miles,
11:16Hal and Andy.
11:17CHEERING
11:18I'm really happy.
11:19APPLAUSE
11:20Now, we play a round called
11:24Set Your Phasers To Fun.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27This game involves Hal and Gary,
11:29so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
11:32This round is a stand-up challenge.
11:34I launched the Wheel of News,
11:35and whoever chooses to stop,
11:36one of our performers
11:37must step forward and talk about that subject.
11:39The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
11:41OK, here we go.
11:42Let's spin the wheel.
11:45First subject is building.
11:46Who wants to comment on that?
11:47Hal Crotten.
11:53Building, um, freaks me out a bit.
11:55Well, builders.
11:56Builders intimidate me,
11:57cos I've had builders come to work at my house,
11:59and they work for, like, two days,
12:01then go away for a week.
12:03And you end up making that phone call to them,
12:05and it makes me feel like a little kid
12:07whose parents have split up
12:09and the dad's being really crap.
12:10It's the same conversation.
12:11You said you'd come on Saturday.
12:13You said you'd be here on Saturday.
12:15LAUGHTER
12:17I'm really sorry, mate.
12:18I've been really busy.
12:19I can make it Tuesday.
12:20Do you promise you'll come on Tuesday?
12:22LAUGHTER
12:23Can we go to the park?
12:24I love you.
12:25LAUGHTER
12:27They intimidate me.
12:29I've had a builder come and give me a quote
12:30on a problem in my house
12:32and make it worse right in front of my face.
12:34Literally, feeling my wall,
12:36going, yeah, feel that damp, mate.
12:37That's chronic.
12:38That's soaking wet, yeah?
12:39All round there.
12:40That's soaking wet, yeah?
12:41I put a little knife in, yeah?
12:42Watch it crumble.
12:43Look at the plaster
12:45fall away from your wall.
12:46Look at the size of that hole in your wall.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49That hole wasn't there when you arrived.
12:50It's massive, ain't it, mate?
12:51It's massive.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:57You know, doctors don't go,
12:59I think you've got brittle bones, mate.
13:01I do.
13:02And then stamp on your leg, do they?
13:04LAUGHTER
13:05See that, mate?
13:06Your leg was like a twig, yeah?
13:07LAUGHTER
13:10I think you've got a dodgy heart as well.
13:12Boom!
13:13See you're having arse at, you see?
13:14LAUGHTER
13:15I...
13:16I actually tried to help this builder finish our kitchen.
13:19And he just stopped and went,
13:21Mate!
13:22And I kind of jumped,
13:23cos I'd been momentarily transfixed
13:25by the beauty of the bubble
13:26in the spirit now.
13:27LAUGHTER
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29He just stopped and said,
13:32Seriously, mate, leave it.
13:33You don't know what you're doing.
13:35I'll finish it off.
13:37And that night I had a dream
13:39that I was making love to my wife.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:43And he walked in and said,
13:45Seriously, mate, leave it.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:47You don't know what you're doing.
13:48I'll finish it off.
13:49APPLAUSE
13:50Thank you very much.
13:52Hal Frodner!
13:54APPLAUSE
13:55APPLAUSE
13:57OK, it's Gary now,
13:59so let's see what topic you've got, Gary.
14:00Let's spin the wheel.
14:01Topic is childhood.
14:08As a child, I was made to walk the plank.
14:10We couldn't afford a dog.
14:12LAUGHTER
14:14My six-year-old refuses to eat anything
14:17other than alphabetti spaghetti.
14:19Luckily, he's dyslexic,
14:20so I just buy him normal spaghetti.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:23Seems to work.
14:24Dad, these are all elves.
14:25Yeah, it's Welsh.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:30I bought him some medicine for his ADHD.
14:32On the side of the bottle,
14:33it said, Concentrate.
14:34I thought, if he could do that...
14:35LAUGHTER
14:39I bought a really nice 12-year-old Scotch.
14:41Obviously, his parents weren't pleased.
14:42LAUGHTER
14:43I hate people who complain about breastfeeding in public.
14:49Like, I don't want to see it.
14:50Or, that's disgusting.
14:52Or, you can't do that.
14:53You're not a woman.
14:54LAUGHTER
15:00And that's not a baby.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:04As kids, we always enjoyed dipping ginger nuts
15:06into a steaming hot cup of tea.
15:07But, of course, nowadays, that's called bullying.
15:09LAUGHTER
15:14I shouldn't do that, by the way.
15:15Ginger jokes are the last vestiges of racism in comedy,
15:17and they started a ginger pride movement
15:19to stamp that shit out.
15:20They had a march in Hyde Park.
15:21Well, they were going to do it when the sun came out.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:29Nan always said that when she was young,
15:31she never had to worry about leaving her back door open.
15:33What a slag.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:47I'm totally going to get in trouble with the family again.
15:49This is really not worth it.
15:52You've got to look after your health as you get older.
15:54The other day, I did a poo
15:55and noticed there was a little blood in it.
15:56I said,
15:57Oi, bruv, get out of me toilet, innit?
15:58LAUGHTER
16:02Well done, Gary Delaney.
16:04Well done, both of you.
16:05Points for both of you.
16:06Come on back.
16:10Our next round is called,
16:11If this is the answer, what is the question?
16:13On the board are six categories.
16:15Alistair, what category would you like?
16:17I'll go for sport, please.
16:18OK, your category is sport.
16:20The answer is...
16:2256 years.
16:23What is the question?
16:24Well, is it Eddie Izzard's next challenge
16:27for sport relief?
16:28I'm going to run for 56 years without stopping.
16:32In three languages, we're the family of chinchillas.
16:34Ooh.
16:37Is it when somebody says they're 13 online,
16:40how old are they actually?
16:43Is it, er,
16:44when is the next train to Morden via bank?
16:47LAUGHTER
16:48Is this how old Dara will look when he's 45?
16:53LAUGHTER
16:54Oh, Jess.
16:57It's just so fresh.
16:5845, 12 years ago.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01Is it,
17:02how long have BT been telling me my call is important to them?
17:05LAUGHTER
17:06Is it, what is the age difference between the male and female presenters
17:11on Sky Sports News?
17:13LAUGHTER
17:14Is it, er,
17:16how long is part two of The Hobbit?
17:18LAUGHTER
17:20Is it, er...
17:21How long does 56-year Ron Sayle Woodstain last for us?
17:25LAUGHTER
17:26I...
17:27I don't know about you guys,
17:28but this is the age of consent for my daughters.
17:30LAUGHTER
17:32Is it, at the time...
17:34of the Big Bang,
17:36how long had Bruce Forsythe already been alive?
17:39LAUGHTER
17:41Is it,
17:42how long you could travel in space...
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46..with the right oxygen supply
17:49and just Dara being for company?
17:51LAUGHTER
17:53APPLAUSE
17:57OK.
17:59Is it...
18:00We'd both be very happy, thank you very much.
18:02Is it, er,
18:03how long is the gap between each edition
18:05of the monthly magazine,
18:06I'm No Good At Maths?
18:08LAUGHTER
18:09LAUGHTER
18:10Is it, er,
18:11pick an arbitrary length of time?
18:13LAUGHTER
18:18Is it,
18:19how much bad luck if you break a glitter ball?
18:21LAUGHTER
18:22LAUGHTER
18:23LAUGHTER
18:24APPLAUSE
18:27Proper joke.
18:28What?
18:29And you know what...
18:30Yeah, what...
18:31Is it the gap between Tokyo Olympics?
18:32It is absolutely the gap between Tokyo Olympics.
18:34It is absolutely the gap between Tokyo Olympics.
18:35Thank you very, very much.
18:36Oh, brilliant.
18:37Brilliant.
18:38APPLAUSE
18:39Yes.
18:40The question I was looking for is,
18:41what will the gap between Olympic Games be
18:43for the newly announced 2020 host city Tokyo?
18:45This is news that Tokyo has beaten rivals Madrid
18:47and Istanbul to save the 2020 Olympics and Paralympics.
18:51The last time the city hosts the Olympics was in 1964.
18:54Well, France can be pissed off, aren't they?
18:57Cos, like, Japan's got it, Spain didn't get it,
19:00and Turkey didn't get it.
19:01Now, Spain didn't have any money,
19:03Turkey's next to a war zone,
19:05and Japan's had some nuclear meltdown,
19:07and still Paris can't get the Games.
19:10LAUGHTER
19:11Aren't the 2020 Olympics Olympics
19:13Olympics for people with perfect vision?
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16It'd be harsh for the 2020 Paralympics blind events,
19:22if you expect that as well, honestly.
19:24LAUGHTER
19:25I think the mascot for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics
19:28has got to be Godzilla, hasn't it?
19:30LAUGHTER
19:31I mean, it'd be fantastic,
19:32they're all doing the sailing,
19:34and then suddenly this mascot looms out of the sea.
19:37LAUGHTER
19:38They'll break world records,
19:39they'll never have sailed that quickly.
19:41They said, didn't they,
19:42they said that Fukushima's no problem,
19:44cos it's... how far away is it?
19:45It's 100 miles away.
19:46Yeah, so that gives them lots of time
19:48to stop the mutant lizard destroying the opening ceremony.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51I didn't know Boris Johnson was going.
19:53Yeah.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:55How are they...
19:56So what are the...
19:57What are the Japanese government going to do about Fukushima?
19:59In my experience,
20:00these things tend to sort themselves out.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:03Yeah.
20:04Give it a couple of million years,
20:06it'll be fine.
20:07This too shall pass.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:10Ten million years, yeah.
20:12Just over during the Olympics,
20:13the rowers don't fall out of their boats,
20:14you know, into the radioactive water.
20:15Double skulls?
20:16Yes, actually.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:18Cops of fours.
20:19I'm really...
20:20LAUGHTER
20:22The...
20:23No, they're...
20:24The Fukushima is...
20:25Yeah, they're going to build an ice wall
20:27to trap the world,
20:28cos the water's dripping out of them.
20:29Is it being solved by the X-Men,
20:31or something?
20:32I'm not saying they're going to build it with their minds.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:35They're going to have to take with the machine and stuff.
20:37Look at the...
20:38Storm.
20:39Make ice wall with your bread.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42What will the ice wall do then?
20:44You've did physics.
20:45It'll block the bad things
20:47from getting into the other place.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:52Obviously, I've, you know,
20:53made that a little bit more comprehensible.
20:55LAUGHTER
20:56They've actually restarted fishing off Fukushima,
20:59haven't they?
21:00And, er, so you can now apparently get real fish fingers.
21:03And, er...
21:04And a cod drumstick.
21:05So, er...
21:06Which sports, by the way, er,
21:08are back in the Olympics
21:09that looked like they weren't going to be in?
21:10Wailing.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:12Yeah.
21:13Yeah.
21:14You what?
21:15They'll pack them right backwards at that.
21:16Yeah.
21:17Yeah.
21:18Yeah.
21:19A kiss chase.
21:21Yeah, a kiss chase is in.
21:22LAUGHTER
21:23Hide and seek, they're doing that.
21:24Hide and seek?
21:25What? Somebody actually did propose hide and seek.
21:27Iraq would win that.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:31Which of David Cameron's current favourite projects
21:33is coming under increasing criticism at the moment?
21:35This is the, er, HS2,
21:37the high-speed rail link between London and Birmingham.
21:39Yes.
21:40National office have said
21:41that it is based on assumptions
21:43that don't actually tally with real life.
21:46And I'm guessing one of those assumptions
21:48is the idea that anybody wants to get to Birmingham
21:51in a hurry.
21:52LAUGHTER
21:54But they keep talking about the spiralling costs
21:56and I think, well, why build it as a spiral?
21:58Surely if it just builds it flat.
21:59LAUGHTER
22:00LAUGHTER
22:01We should be proud of our rail network anyway,
22:03cos the British Rail network is absolutely fantastic.
22:06The British trains provide, for example,
22:08unparalleled views of the British countryside, don't they?
22:10Often, without the blurring effects of velocity.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:14LAUGHTER
22:17But apparently it's going to cost £80 billion,
22:19£80 billion,
22:20and you'll think surely it would be cheaper
22:23to find anybody who wants to get to Birmingham in a hurry
22:26and just buy them a house in Birmingham.
22:29LAUGHTER
22:30For £80 billion,
22:31you could knock down Birmingham
22:32and rebuild it closer to London.
22:34LAUGHTER
22:39APPLAUSE
22:40At the end of that round,
22:41the points go to Arthur, Hugh and Gary.
22:44APPLAUSE
22:46Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
22:48so if everyone can make their way over
22:50to the performance area, please.
22:52I'll read out this week's topics
22:53and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
22:55OK, here we go.
22:57The first subject is...
22:59Unlikely things for a sports commentator to say.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:05And the starting pistol's gone off
23:07and Oscar Pistorius has got his arms in the air,
23:10claiming his innocence already.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:16Well, good news here in Flushing Meadow.
23:18Murray has broken Djokovic.
23:20Both legs, one arm.
23:21He won't recover from that.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:26Oh, clearly that's a dive by Tom Daley.
23:29LAUGHTER
23:31LAUGHTER
23:33So it's one all at half-time
23:35and, er...
23:36Sorry, I'm finding it hard to concentrate here.
23:38Gareth Southgate has just had me in absolute stitches.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:46And that's an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction
23:48for the Ukrainian women's shot putter there
23:50as a bollock pops out.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55Well, do you know, I've completely forgotten
23:57when England won the World Cup.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00LAUGHTER
24:01APPLAUSE
24:06One hundred and thirty kilograms.
24:09This would be a world record,
24:10but this small Peruvian is determined
24:13to swallow it and get it through customs.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17And as he approaches the corner at 200 miles an hour,
24:24they really need to check out this cyclist for drugs.
24:28LAUGHTER
24:32And as a mark of respect,
24:34the Great Britain water polo team will be wearing...
24:36armbands.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40LAUGHTER
24:43Croquet does not get better than this.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:51Well, my watch has three additional minutes.
24:54Don't buy a Rolex from a street market.
24:57LAUGHTER
25:00Hello, I'm Michael Owen.
25:02Welcome to the millions of you watching on BT Sport.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07LAUGHTER
25:08And he's got four off one ball.
25:13It's a lot of children that Lance Armstrong has fathered.
25:16LAUGHTER
25:20And the sumo wrestler grunts as his opponent enters the ring.
25:24Pretty sure that move's illegal.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:30Well, it's 1.30 and the covers are still on.
25:33Kevin Peterson simply won't get out of fucking bed.
25:36LAUGHTER
25:38APPLAUSE
25:39Ah.
25:42And Tiger Woods is going for his third hole of the afternoon.
25:45Surely by now he should have left the hotel.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:48LAUGHTER
25:49Ah.
25:51And welcome to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics sailing competi...
25:55Oh, my God! Godzilla!
25:57Oh, Godzilla!
25:58Ah!
26:01OK, the next topic is...
26:04Commercials I've never made it to air.
26:08I wipe my arse with Colgate.
26:11LAUGHTER
26:12LAUGHTER
26:13And now, I've got a ring of confidence.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:22APPLAUSE
26:24If it tastes like butter and spread straight from the fridge,
26:27you've probably had a power cut.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:31Condoms.
26:32Because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:41LAUGHTER
26:43LAUGHTER
26:45Ryanair.
26:47Because I'm worth shit.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:51APPLAUSE
26:52As leader of the Labour Party, I always like to look my best.
26:57It's very important to me to have a smooth finish,
26:59which is why I use the Mac 4.
27:01As I often say,
27:02that was a close shave, wasn't it, Gromy?
27:05LAUGHTER
27:06LAUGHTER
27:09Frosties.
27:10They're...
27:11They're all right.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:16New BG from Garnier.
27:18Exfoliate, hydrate, epilate, urinate.
27:21Probably not that last one.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:26Unlimited minutes, unlimited texts, unlimited music downloads.
27:30Yes, it's our new twat-on-a-train tariff.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:40Have a break.
27:41Have a wank.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:49Maybe she's born with it.
27:50In which case, I probably shouldn't take the piss.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:58Pekele has to walk for five miles every day for fresh water.
28:01That's why she ought to be thinking about the new Mazda.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:07LAUGHTER
28:09Coco Chanel.
28:11Say it's bloody horrible, I'm sticking to Horlicks.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:18LAUGHTER
28:21Liddle.
28:22Because life didn't work out as you planned.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:25LAUGHTER
28:30Hi, I'm Kevin Bacon, doing an ad on British TV.
28:34What happened?
28:36LAUGHTER
28:39Have you got that bloated, uncomfortable feeling in your stomach?
28:44Then try going for a shit.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:47The DFS furniture sale is...is not currently on.
28:54LAUGHTER
28:56APPLAUSE
28:59This Christmas, get Mock the Week on DVD.
29:02Featuring all the regulars, Dara O'Brien.
29:03But brilliant!
29:04And coming out of this week is Andy Parson.
29:06Who do you?
29:07Milton Jones.
29:08Erm...
29:09And of course, don't forget Mickie Flanagan.
29:11East End of London.
29:13And of course, everybody, very good, Chris Alistair.
29:16LAUGHTER
29:18APPLAUSE
29:19And that's the end of the show.
29:20This week's winners are Andy Parson, Hal Crudlin and Miles Jupp.
29:33CHEERING
29:36Commiserations to Alison McGowan, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
29:41CHEERING
29:42Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.
29:44APPLAUSE
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