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00:00.
00:02Don't believe in everything you see or hear.
00:07Read all about it.
00:10Read all about it.
00:13News of the world, news of the world.
00:16Read all about it.
00:19Read all about it.
00:21News of the world, news of the world.
00:24Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
00:29I'm Dara Breen.
00:30Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ramesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett.
00:34Josh Whittacombe, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
00:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:40One clap for Rob.
00:43Clap for you.
00:45We start with a game called Picture of the Week.
00:47I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
00:50So, teams, what's going on here?
00:53Is it New Exhibition Disappoints Crowds at London Aquarium?
00:58LAUGHTER
01:00Is it Labour's best hope?
01:02In fact, they've cryogenically frozen him until after the next election.
01:06LAUGHTER
01:08Is it Blue Man Group unveil latest member?
01:10LAUGHTER
01:12He's probably joined the cast of Avatar 2, hasn't he?
01:15The quest for unelectium.
01:17LAUGHTER
01:20APPLAUSE
01:22Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Will I ever be leader of them all? No.
01:29LAUGHTER
01:31Is that the most depressing window in downtown Amsterdam?
01:35LAUGHTER
01:37My worry about it is that he might, he might just have been caught obsessively watching one of those lights that kills flies in restaurant kitchen.
01:48LAUGHTER
01:50Is that what you see if you look in a mirror at midnight and say Miliband three times?
01:54LAUGHTER
01:56OK, back to this. Anyone else?
01:57Is it the Labour Party conference?
01:59It is, of course. Thank you very much, Josh Whittacom. You're absolutely right.
02:01It is a talk. It is a talk. It is a talk.
02:03APPLAUSE
02:05This is Ed Middlebund at the annual Labour Party conference in Brighton this week where new party policies threaten to be overshadowed by revelations from former spin doctor Damien McBride of infighting from Labour's past.
02:16How has his presentation of policies gone?
02:18My favourite policy in his speech was he said, um, if he's elected he's not going to take his shirt off.
02:23LAUGHTER
02:24In public.
02:25Yes.
02:26I like that for two reasons. One, it's attainable.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30And the other one is he said if he's elected that's going to happen, which implies if he's not, he might just, like, streak through Parliament.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:38And that's the most effective way to get elected, isn't it?
02:40Uh, if you say, listen, if you don't elect me, I'm going to take my top off and run through the streets.
02:44We're not going to be voting for him straight.
02:46I'm... I'm...
02:47He's just standing slowly, raising...
02:49LAUGHTER
02:50Oh, yeah, coming off. Coming off, yeah.
02:52That's how this is.
02:53Are you ready for this, Jelly?
02:54Right.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:56It's kind of an Ed Ball tradition at these conferences every year, do you remember what it is?
03:00Plays a football match every year?
03:01He does indeed play a football match every year.
03:03And every year we show photographs of him playing the football match.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:08At the conference.
03:09This is him two years ago, this is him two years ago, this is last year's photograph we have as well.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14They're the standard photograph.
03:16He kind of went for a very different look this year. This is this year's...
03:20LAUGHTER
03:21Amazing!
03:22That is, you know...
03:24He's gone kind of...
03:25He's gone kind of...
03:26It's kind of saucy, if anything, eh?
03:27He's gone.
03:28I mean, he's the one leg up in a kind of a...
03:30Like...
03:31Can you imagine?
03:32You're going to be like your French ladies, Leo.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:35All right, let's move on to the far more entertaining and comedically gifting conference.
03:40In other news, what's going on here?
03:43LAUGHTER
03:45Is he in fact a Dover ferry terminal and he's waving goodbye to the foreigners?
03:50LAUGHTER
03:51Do you think it might be just Nigel Farage going,
03:53I'm in charge because I'm the most normal!
03:56LAUGHTER
03:58LAUGHTER
04:01I'm the electable one!
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04I'm the safe face of UK!
04:06Argh!
04:07I mean, that's actually how he always enters a room.
04:10He always walks in and goes,
04:11Farage!
04:12That's...
04:13Yes.
04:14Farage sells tea for party funds.
04:16LAUGHTER
04:18I know he did.
04:19It's good that you bought them off.
04:20I bought them off, Mick.
04:21Nigel, how many immigrants would you be happy with in this country?
04:28LAUGHTER
04:29His cook, his cleaner, his gardener.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:33Yes, it is Farage, obviously, at the UKIP conference, which gave more headlines than Labour could possibly dream of, really.
04:41He was pretending still to be a man of the people, wasn't he?
04:44And this is a man who used to be a stockbroker who went to public school.
04:48You think, if he was truly a man of the people, surely he'd be called Nigel Farage, rather than Nigel Farage.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55You know?
04:56Nigel Farage, what's in garage?
04:57Like garage, rather than garage, you know?
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00By all means, he might live in a village, I don't know, in a cottage.
05:03He enjoys a sausage, quite possibly.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06I mean, the trouble is, though, isn't it, people come over here and they can't pronounce our words, can they?
05:10LAUGHTER
05:11It's an outrage, it's an outrage.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13APPLAUSE
05:18It is funny, though, when you see him acting, when he's being the sane member of the party, when he's the one clamping down,
05:23because who, er, who does he destroy at their party conference?
05:26Godfrey Bloom.
05:27Godfrey Bloom, yes.
05:28What did Godfrey Bloom say?
05:29Who, he, he went to a, er, women in politics, er, discussion and described them all as sluts.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:36And, my main question is, when holding a women in politics set together, who is inviting Godfrey Bloom?
05:42LAUGHTER
05:43It's ridiculous.
05:44It's like having Tony Blair as Middle East peace ambassador.
05:46LAUGHTER
05:48APPLAUSE
05:53What was his defence for calling them sluts?
05:55Well, he said that they, he called them sluts because, er, they didn't clean behind the fridge.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:02Very odd definition.
06:03It's, it is.
06:04Is that an awful euphemism?
06:05No.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:10His idea was that the old meaning of sluts was people who were slatternly or unclean, er, and that he didn't mean slags, er, at all.
06:18Right?
06:19There was a very weak point where you go, well, I meant sluts in the old 18th century, er, well, contemporary sluts.
06:25These women aren't contemporary sluts.
06:27Look at them.
06:28Slides?
06:29No.
06:30There's such a massive story.
06:32Like, that overshadowed the whole conference.
06:34Like, my, my grandmother heard about it and she lives in Bongo Bongo land.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:38I do, I do think, I do think it's a strange problem to choose anyway in terms of deciding tasks around the house because, genuinely, who cleans behind the fridge?
06:51LAUGHTER
06:52Have I missed a thing here?
06:53Well, how do you get behind the fridge?
06:54Yeah, you'd have to move the fridge for a start, right?
06:57Well, you'd have to take out the whole fitted kitchen.
06:59I could, I could, I could...
07:00It's another point that if I ever came home, and my wife works it, but if I ever came home and found her cleaning behind the fridge, I'd have to stage an intervention and go,
07:08Honey, this is, this is going too far.
07:10I just caught you cleaning behind the fridge.
07:12I don't think I could take this thing.
07:14It was enough.
07:15I could get on board with all of our urine being collected in jars, but I can't.
07:19LAUGHTER
07:20But behind the fridge is too far, this is too much, we need to get help here.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26He went, women are better at finding mustard in the pantry than driving.
07:30And I'm like, why are you hiding the mustard from your wife?
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33Who does that?
07:34Has she got a problem?
07:35She's like, on two packs of Coleman's a day, doing lines and stuff.
07:39Yellow all round her nose.
07:41Also, every Sunday morning, he's out with the stopwatch going,
07:45OK, oh yeah, you're making a ham sandwich.
07:47Now, where's the mustard?
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50He also, he hit a Channel 4 news reporter on the head with a brochure.
07:55Yes, he did.
07:56And apparently, right, this Channel 4 news reporter, he was hit so hard
07:59that he actually damaged his brain and he's now had to become a Channel 5 news reporter.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04So, so sad.
08:06APPLAUSE
08:08We actually have, this is a brochure, and the point that the...
08:13It's Michael Crick, I believe, was it Michael Crick?
08:15Michael Crick.
08:16Yeah, very famous Michael Crick.
08:17Michael Crick made the point that this is a brochure and it's of their conference,
08:20and it features faces, about 270 faces of UKIP members there, and none of them...
08:26Well, they're all white.
08:27And the man said, there isn't a black face on this, right?
08:29And he gave the brilliant counter argument, which is going,
08:32Oh, no, you're racist.
08:34Eh, I've got to say.
08:36Which is, it's like arguing with an eight-year-old.
08:39Oh, these people are all white.
08:41Oh, they're white.
08:42Oh, is that wrong now?
08:43Oh, you're racist.
08:44No, wait, I was...
08:45You're the racist.
08:46No, you're the racist.
08:47Essentially.
08:48And then, and then just hit him on the head.
08:50It is a fine piece of footage.
08:51Do you know what's brilliant about this, though?
08:53About this brochure is that illegal immigrants can cut out the pictures
08:57of just about the right size to make a false passport.
09:03It looks like a kind of racist version of Guess Who,
09:06where you'd go...
09:07Exactly, yeah.
09:08Are they black?
09:09No.
09:10Do they have a beard?
09:12He said he wants to represent the Yorkshire women
09:15that always have dinner on the table when you get home.
09:17I was like, no one wants dinner on the table as soon as you get in.
09:19You want to put your tracksuit bottoms on first,
09:21have a cup of tea, play Candy Crush,
09:23and then graze from the fridge for an hour.
09:25I'm not going straight into a toad in the hole.
09:27Yes.
09:28I've been working.
09:29I've got to get my mustard out, haven't I, at first?
09:35OK, the end of the round.
09:36The points go to Josh, Hugh and Gary.
09:43Our next round is called Newsreel.
09:45We play on a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news
09:48and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
09:50This week's clip features David Cameron and Nick Clegg
09:53visiting a train factory.
09:56Well, thank you very much indeed, Nick.
09:58We're late again.
09:59I said we should take the jag.
10:00You said if we're going to visit trains,
10:01we must go by train.
10:02And, of course, the bloody thing broke down.
10:03Mind the wall, Nick.
10:04Mind the wall.
10:05Mind that wall.
10:06Mind that wall.
10:07Mind that wall.
10:08Well done, Nick.
10:09I wish we could make you disappear permanently.
10:11Anyway, I tell you what,
10:12I'll do all the talking.
10:13You just stand there and smile and aimly.
10:14Right, good morning, everyone.
10:16I'm sorry we're late.
10:17Somebody fell under Eric Pickles at Hemel Hempstead.
10:21And we've come on the replacement bus service.
10:23But now, would you please give a very warm welcome
10:25to the Deputy Prime Minister.
10:32Well, thank you for the warmth of that welcome.
10:33I'm wearing a red tie today to try and look more socialist
10:36than my colleague.
10:37It's not really very convincing, is it?
10:39We're here to announce a massive £40 billion investment
10:42in high-speed rail.
10:43Please feel free to show your appreciation
10:45of the policies of the coalition government.
10:51Well, high-speed rail is vital.
10:52Think of the advantages.
10:53If you are travelling to Birmingham,
10:54soon you'll be able to spend an extra 20 minutes
10:57in Birmingham.
11:03Well, thank you for your enthusiasm.
11:05That was an absolute fucking disaster.
11:07I hate France.
11:09Oh, look at this.
11:10You see this picture I've downloaded?
11:11This is Nick Clegg's head on a woman's body.
11:13And up behind him, that's David Cameron.
11:15He's about to give him a right show.
11:17Oh, hello.
11:18How are you doing?
11:19Hello, gentlemen.
11:20I'm afraid we're lost, both here and in government.
11:23I wonder if you can help us find a way out.
11:25Oh, look.
11:26I wonder what you've got on your computer.
11:28Well done, Hugh.
11:33Now we play a round called Gag Theft Auto 5.
11:39This game involves Romesh and Gary,
11:41so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
11:44This round is a stand-up challenge.
11:45I launch the Wheel of News
11:46and whoever chooses to stop,
11:47one of our performers will step forward
11:48and talk about that subject.
11:50The winner is whoever I think is a funnier.
11:52OK, here we go.
11:53Let's spin the wheel.
11:56The first subject is education.
11:58Who wants to comment that?
11:59Romesh.
12:00Er, I used to be a teacher, actually.
12:04Er, I was a maths teacher.
12:05I wasn't a very good one.
12:06Er, but as I found out, it doesn't actually matter.
12:08Er, you can get away with it for quite a while.
12:11Er, but the problem is...
12:13You're Ofsted coming, Ofsted coming.
12:15You've got an Ofsted inspector in the back of your class.
12:17I've got to make sure I'm doing my job properly.
12:19Yeah?
12:20I've got learning outcomes up on the board.
12:22Pythagoras and trigonometry flying all over the shop.
12:25Knocking it out of the park.
12:27Kid in the front row's got a question on straight in there.
12:29Yes, Timothy?
12:32How can I help you?
12:33And then he'd go,
12:34Why are you being weird?
12:36Right?
12:38So then I've got to convey to Timothy without the inspector realising
12:41that I am going to bloody end him.
12:43Right?
12:45Because of political correctness,
12:46all textbooks have got to be multicultural nowadays,
12:48which means that every single question in every single maths book
12:51has got to have a white kid and a black kid in it.
12:54Or a white kid and an Asian kid in it.
12:57Now, I don't know about you,
12:58but I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with a kid of another colour.
13:01If every time I met up with him, you wanted to do bloody maths.
13:04I don't...
13:05The questions you get in these textbooks are amazing.
13:12You get questions like,
13:13Philip thinks that the answer is eight.
13:16Dilip...
13:24Thinks that the answer is ten.
13:25Which one is correct?
13:26And then a kid would put his hand up and he'd say,
13:28I think Dilip's correct.
13:29And I'd say, why?
13:30And he'd say,
13:31Oh, because Asian kids are bods, aren't they?
13:35APPLAUSE
13:41We had uniform at the school.
13:42I agree with uniform.
13:43The problem is they're very strict about it.
13:45We had a sixth form.
13:46Talking to sixth form lads about what they're wearing,
13:48absolutely not a problem.
13:50Got no issue with that.
13:51Talking to sixth form girls about what they're wearing,
13:55something I felt a lot less comfortable about.
13:58But what I actually found was,
13:59if I just looked at them for long enough,
14:01they soon covered themselves up.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:08Thank you very much, Robert.
14:11OK, that leaves us with Gary.
14:13Let's see what you have.
14:14Let's spin the wheel.
14:17And subject is relationships.
14:18OK.
14:19How are you?
14:20I used to suffer from premature ejaculation,
14:25which made me feel selfish and bad for my girlfriend.
14:28Then she suggested I try this special cream
14:30that reduces your sensitivity.
14:32And it really worked,
14:33because now I don't give a shit about her.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:37I bought a vegan friend of mine a fancy cookbook.
14:41Unfortunately, he said he couldn't accept it,
14:43as it was leather-bound,
14:44which meant it was too heavy for him to lift.
14:46LAUGHTER
14:47When I was a teenager, my mum always said,
14:51your bedroom's so messy,
14:53you'll never get any self-respecting girl to come back here.
14:55But luckily, they weren't the ones I was going after.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58I watched the director's cut of a porn film.
15:00At the end, he actually fixes the washing machine.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:04I was in a sex shop,
15:05I saw a dildo described as nine inches long and realistic.
15:08I thought, well, which is it?
15:09LAUGHTER
15:10The Archbishop of Canterbury recently said
15:11he couldn't support gay marriage
15:12without first having a mandate.
15:13Honestly, if he's that bothered, I'll go out with him.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16One time at a party,
15:17I chucked my car keys into a big bowl,
15:19and everyone just stared at me,
15:20and I said,
15:21you know what?
15:22You know what?
15:23You know what?
15:24You know what?
15:25You know what?
15:26You know what?
15:27You know what?
15:28I was watching a really weird porno the other day,
15:30that was just a fat man,
15:31crying and wanking at the same time.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:33And then I realised I hadn't turned the telly on.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:36Thank you very much, Gary.
15:37OK, points for both of you.
15:38Come on back.
15:39APPLAUSE
15:41Our next round is called
15:43In The End.
15:45If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
15:47On the board are six categories.
15:48Romesh, which category would you like?
15:49Science, please, Dara.
15:50Science, OK.
15:51Your category is science,
15:52and the answer is 1.75 billion years.
15:54What is the question?
15:55Is it how long it would take Joey Essex
15:56to spell the word?
15:57That's the word?
15:58That's the word.
15:59That's the word.
16:00That's the word.
16:01That's the word.
16:02Is it...
16:03Is it...
16:04Is it...
16:05How long will I wait for a girl to text me back
16:06before I'm sure she's not interested?
16:08Is it...
16:09How long will I wait for a girl to text me back
16:11before I'm sure she's not interested?
16:13Is it...
16:14OK, which category would you like?
16:15Which category would you like?
16:16Science, please, Dara.
16:17Science, OK.
16:18Your category is science,
16:19and the answer is...
16:201.75 billion years.
16:21What is the question?
16:22Is it how long it would take Joey Essex
16:23to spell the word hypothetical?
16:25Is it...
16:26What is the best before date for coal?
16:28Is it...
16:29How long will I wait for a girl to text me back
16:32Is it how long it takes for a bowl of porridge to cool down?
16:39Is it how long does a panda go between shags?
16:43Is it...
16:44Is it...
16:45Is it...
16:46Is it how long will it take my iPhone 4
16:48to download iOS 7?
16:50Is it on my first trip to Nando's,
16:53how long did I sit at my table
16:55before realising you had to go up to order?
16:59That's sweet.
17:00And he's going,
17:01Oh, they're very slow in here.
17:04Twirling your napkin and wondering,
17:06Well, I shall write a very harsh review of this.
17:10Is it...
17:11If you booked onto a Ryanair time machine,
17:14how far from where you want it to be
17:16would you in fact go now?
17:18Is it how long we've got on after it's too hot to live on?
17:21That's absolutely right.
17:22Well done, Rob.
17:23Thank you very much.
17:24Yes, the question I was looking for was,
17:25how many years maximum do scientists predict
17:27human beings have left on Earth?
17:28This is the news that scientists have estimated
17:29that the Earth could possibly support life
17:30for up to a further 1.75 billion years.
17:32And after that time the planet will become uninhabitable.
17:34Why would it become uninhabitable?
17:361.75 billion years, they reckon, right,
17:38that then the Earth is going to, like, get so hot
17:40because the sun will expand
17:41and the temperatures will soar
17:42and the oceans will disappear.
17:43And you're thinking,
17:44that is one hell of a long-range weather forecast, isn't it?
17:46How hot does it need to get
17:47before I get on Earth?
17:48How hot does it need to get
17:49before I get on Earth?
17:50How hot does it need to get
17:51before I get on Earth?
17:52How hot does it need to get
17:53before I get on Earth?
17:54This is the news that scientists
17:55have estimated that the Earth
17:56could possibly support life
17:57for up to a further 1.75 billion years.
17:59And after that time the planet
18:00will become uninhabitable.
18:01Why would it become uninhabitable?
18:021.75 billion years,
18:03they reckon, right,
18:04that then,
18:05is it?
18:06How hot does it need to get
18:07before I can call my house
18:09a villa?
18:10Yeah.
18:11Is it, like,
18:1235 degrees?
18:14Or...?
18:15I'm sure...
18:16There's some architectural part
18:18of a villa as well,
18:19not just...
18:20It's sunny.
18:21It's just a bungalow
18:22with a pool, innit?
18:23Yeah.
18:24Is it?
18:25It's not going to make much...
18:26I mean, I don't care anyway,
18:27it's not going to make
18:28much difference to me
18:29unless Omega-3
18:30is more powerful
18:31than we ever imagined.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:35If you take...
18:36If you add 1.75 billion
18:37to the total time
18:38we've been on the planet
18:39as a species so far,
18:40the total is
18:411.75 billion.
18:42So,
18:43it's pretty much unlikely
18:44we're still going to be
18:45around at that stage.
18:46It's an unfair time
18:47for it to happen, though,
18:48isn't it?
18:49Just when the Eurozone
18:50will be coming out of recession.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52Exactly.
18:53If it's going to be
18:54too hot in 2 billion years,
18:55whatever,
18:56it's ages away,
18:57it's going to be well nice
18:58for a good couple of thousand, innit?
18:59A really nice temperature
19:00for a few thousand years
19:01before we worry about that.
19:02It's a very British reaction, isn't it?
19:03Oh, well, it's going to be
19:04uninhabitable by being too hot,
19:06but for a while in Britain
19:07it'd be bloody lovely, wouldn't it?
19:08Bloody lovely, yeah.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10The worrying thing for me
19:11is that, you know,
19:12you think, well,
19:13it's going to happen in 1.75 billion years
19:14and so it doesn't really affect me,
19:15but unfortunately,
19:16as a Hindu,
19:17I believe in reincarnation.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19LAUGHTER
19:20I'm seriously worried
19:21that I might be a goat
19:22when the big, er...
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24It really occurs, yeah.
19:25Did he come back
19:26as an oven glove?
19:27LAUGHTER
19:33That's important that you said that at the start.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:36I would have read it.
19:37See if I'm right here, Dara.
19:38Yeah.
19:39So the sun is like Helen Mirren
19:41in that the older it gets,
19:43the hotter it gets.
19:44Is that how it works?
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46Essentially, yes.
19:47Because Helen Mirren...
19:48Helen Mirren started burning hydrogen.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:50But as...
19:51as she's grown older,
19:52she begins to burn helium
19:54and larger elements
19:55until eventually she...
19:56Did she talk with a higher voice then?
19:57At that point.
19:58She's going to burn iron
19:59and explode her outer layers
20:00across the...
20:01Are we still talking about Helen Mirren now?
20:02Or the sun?
20:03I can't quite remember.
20:04Does this mean Helen Mirren
20:05is going to turn into a white dwarf?
20:06LAUGHTER
20:07Yes.
20:08Yes.
20:09That would be remarkable.
20:10At some point,
20:11it would be great if she did.
20:12Hello, Helen.
20:13Hello.
20:14Er...
20:15What are we talking,
20:16like, inside of a McDonald's apple pie?
20:17Is that...
20:18It's going to be...
20:19You know how hot it's going to be?
20:20Every day,
20:21the sun is going to say
20:22what a scorcher
20:23and there will be a picture
20:24of a girl on Bournemouth Beach.
20:25Yeah.
20:26Where will we be?
20:27Oh, well...
20:28We'll be on one of those,
20:29the new sort of galese,
20:31or whatever it's called,
20:32or Kepler...
20:33Kepler 22B galese.
20:34Yeah, they're a new...
20:35There are planets that we...
20:36Thousands of planets, aren't they?
20:37Yeah, the idea is
20:38that we would have moved
20:39to another planet.
20:40In the...
20:41In whatever it's called,
20:42the Goldilocks...
20:43Yeah, that the planet
20:44would be suitable for life,
20:45yeah, but which means
20:46it's probably life on,
20:47in which case then we arrive,
20:48essentially, immigrants.
20:49It'd just be fantastic.
20:50We arrive in a hideously
20:51ironic turn of face.
20:52We arrive and go,
20:53hello,
20:54Oh, we're not having those
20:55earthlings here.
20:56Oh, they'll drive prices here down.
20:57Yeah.
20:58Why is it called Goldilocks?
20:59Goldilocks was,
21:00it's neither too hot nor too cold.
21:01Oh.
21:02It's a porridge reference,
21:03because that's apparently
21:04very important,
21:05when you're a planet.
21:07OK, let me explain to you basically.
21:08Bette Midler likes porridge,
21:09but Bette Midler doesn't like
21:10hot porridge,
21:11she likes kind of
21:12medium-tempered porridge,
21:13before she explodes
21:14and engulfs the entire planet.
21:15OK, that's the way
21:16scientists always talk to
21:17each other about this stuff.
21:18When did Helen Mirren
21:19become Bette Midler?
21:20Oh, fuck, it's not.
21:21It was Helen Mirren.
21:22Bette Midler!
21:23Tell me a little Freudian slip.
21:24Yeah, sorry.
21:25Bette Midler.
21:26Someone finally sees Bette Midler.
21:28Someone finally sees Bette Midler.
21:30Yeah, we all have the shadow
21:31underneath Bette Midler's wings,
21:32where it'll always be cooler
21:33under her wings.
21:34That's where the wind is.
21:35OK.
21:36Sorry.
21:37I can't believe it there, anyways.
21:38OK.
21:39What bad news did Ryanair have this week?
21:41Is it, er,
21:42nobody had excess luggage
21:43so they didn't make a profit?
21:44Yes.
21:45Ryanair, yeah.
21:46It was.
21:47Ryanair, yeah.
21:48It was.
21:49It was.
21:50It was.
21:51It was.
21:52It was.
21:53It was.
21:54It was.
21:55It was.
21:56It was.
21:57It was.
21:58It was.
21:59It was.
22:00Ryanair, very much the UKIP
22:01of International Airlines.
22:02It was a survey, wasn't it?
22:03It was a survey, yeah.
22:04It was a survey, yeah.
22:05By Whitch magazine that said
22:06that their customer service was terrible.
22:08Surprise, surprise.
22:09There are no examples.
22:10Yeah, there was a Whitch survey
22:11in which they were the worst
22:12of a hundred well-known brands
22:13because they were the worst
22:14in terms of customers.
22:15This is unsurprising given
22:16that they have charged people
22:17for wheelchairs, er, in the past.
22:20They said that 99% of complaints
22:22were dealt with within seven days.
22:24And you go,
22:25that is still too long to be on hold.
22:27I don't know.
22:28They charge that to see everything, though, don't they?
22:31Yeah.
22:32You know, and you're thinking,
22:33you know, you could quite imagine
22:34being on Ryanair,
22:35hear a tannoy announcement
22:36or there's been a loss of pressure
22:38in the cabin
22:39and then a second tannoy
22:40hands up those people
22:41who want to rent an oxygen mask.
22:45I'd pay for the oxygen mask
22:46but I'd want to use it.
22:50I'd get really irritated on planes.
22:51I know it's there
22:52but it's never ever popped down.
22:53Has it ever popped down for you?
22:54I've never had a pop down for me now.
22:56No, but you know it popping down is a bad sign.
22:58Oh, I know.
22:59You don't want to go,
23:00great, the air mask's down.
23:01This one's going to be great, guys.
23:03And then turn to my child and go,
23:04wait your turn.
23:05It's very important that I do me first.
23:08No, we'll just have one for the entire family.
23:13Er...
23:18It's like a buddy procedure at diving.
23:20Yeah, it is, yeah.
23:21They're thinking of actually charging.
23:23You can actually think of getting porn on Ryanair
23:26as a pay movie.
23:28You don't want the person sat next to you
23:31watching porn on the flight, do you?
23:33Then pretending the entire flight
23:35to be trying to get something out of their pocket.
23:38If you were watching porn on a Ryanair flight,
23:40at least you could watch somebody being screwed
23:42in a more uncomfortable space than you're in.
23:44OK, at the end of that round,
23:49the point's going to Rob, Ramesh and Andy.
23:58Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
24:00so if everyone can make their way over
24:02to the performance area, please.
24:03I'll read out this week's topics
24:05and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
24:07OK, here we go.
24:09The first subject is
24:11things you wouldn't hear on a DIY show.
24:13Many people have written to us asking
24:16how you can make your house greener.
24:18Simple.
24:20Paint it green.
24:25And there it is.
24:26A perfect patio.
24:27And the police won't suspect a thing.
24:34No, don't bother putting the kettle on there.
24:36We'll crack on with the work straight away.
24:41The walls are plastered
24:42and I'm a little bit shit-faced too, to be honest.
24:51Welcome to Bollywood Does DIY.
24:53Episode number one.
24:54Change the light bulb.
24:59I couldn't do that.
25:00I'm Nick Knowles and no matter how many DIY programs I make,
25:06I'll never be as famous as my sister Beyonce.
25:12This week on Grand Designs,
25:15two more middle-class tossers piss away their life savings
25:18on some glorified Wendy house.
25:20After three hours of sawing, six hours of hammering, and sanding all day, it's done.
25:33Finally, your neighbours have moved out.
25:35So for the best finish, rub vigorously up and down with a piece of sandpaper, but be warned, you may get a very sore penis.
25:46We sandblasted several layers of varnish off, but sadly, there was very little of the real Dale Winton left.
25:59This week, John from Peterborough successfully put a roll of wallpaper up himself, so we're taking him to hospital.
26:11We've got 24 hours to renovate Sharon's house. Let's start by smashing her back doors in.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:21Sarah Beanie has helped Andy convert his semi into a full boner.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:31OK, the next topic is...
26:34Unlikely lines from a romantic novel.
26:38He gazed into her eyes and said,
26:40Is it better with this lens or this lens?
26:42LAUGHTER
26:45Godfrey looked behind the fridge.
26:48He was in luck.
26:49She was a slut.
26:50LAUGHTER
27:00He made love to her like no man had ever done before.
27:02It was so intense, she dropped her chips.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:10Fancy a coffee, she said.
27:12He realised his luck was in and started taking his clothes off.
27:16At which point, he got kicked out of Starbucks.
27:19LAUGHTER
27:22They skipped hand in hand through the wood.
27:25Oh, look, he said, a yule tree. How appropriate.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31He was a strapping officer from World War One.
27:37She was disappointed with uniformedating.com.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:45Daisy was everything he looked for in a woman.
27:48Pissed with low self-esteem.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52LAUGHTER
27:55She danced as if no-one was watching.
27:57But people were watching, and she looked like a twat.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:02LAUGHTER
28:04At last, I have found you.
28:07I have found you. Is it really you?
28:09Are you...
28:11Wally?
28:13LAUGHTER
28:14Does this story have a happy ending, he asked her.
28:21She snapped back.
28:22Happy ending, $50.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:26OK, points at the end of the round for Rob, Romesh and Andy.
28:31APPLAUSE
28:37And that's the end of the show.
28:38This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Romesh Ranganathan and Rob Beckett.
28:44CHEERING
28:46Commiserations with Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
28:51CHEERING
28:53Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.
28:55Good night.
28:56APPLAUSE
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