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00:00Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:05Read all about it, read all about it
00:13News of the world, news of the world
00:15Read all about it, read all about it
00:21News of the world, news of the world
00:30Hello and welcome to Mock the week, I'm Dara O'Brien
00:34Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Josh Whittacombe and Ed Byrne
00:38Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Hal Cruttenden
00:40We start with a round call, if this is the answer, what is the question
00:51On the board, six categories, Hal, which category would you like?
00:55Sport
00:56Okay, the category is sport
00:57The answer is yoga, sushi and ice
01:01What is the question?
01:03Is this what Eric Pickles uses to deal with trapped wind?
01:08Is it what would the three wise men have brought Jesus if he was born in Notting Hill?
01:15You think your Chinese tattoo says keep the faith, what does it actually mean?
01:21Is it in fact just what does Madonna smell of?
01:27Is it 16 years from now, what will my son tell me when I ask him what A-levels he's doing?
01:36Is it name three things Nigella won't be asking Charles Saatchi to pay for anymore?
01:40Is it Pingu's rider?
01:45Is it Pingu's rider?
01:48Nothing, I'm doing nothing until I get more sushi in here
01:50What is the strapline to the hit Japanese television programme?
01:55Is it the loose-limbed fish eaters of the Arctic?
02:06Is it, what answer will you get if you ask Paris Hilton to name the elements?
02:12Is it, if you own a bar in Soho, what should you call it to guarantee it'll always be chock full of wankers?
02:18Is it simply, what are three things which are very difficult to sell door-to-door?
02:30It is, name three things that can make you lose the feeling in your legs
02:34Sushi
02:36Do you know what sushi actually is?
02:43Is it what Andy Murray uses to keep up his training regime?
02:48It absolutely is, well done
02:49Yes, the question, I was looking for a name, three things that were part of Andy Murray's preparations for his historic Wimbledon win
03:00This is news that in scorching temperatures Andy Murray defeated the world number one Novak Djokovic to become the first British man in 77 years
03:06To win the Wimbledon men's singles final
03:08An integral part of helping Murray achieve his success was his health and fitness regime
03:12Which included yoga, a 6,000 calorie a day sushi-rich diet and post-match ice baths
03:18Did you watch it? Did you enjoy it?
03:20Did I watch the ice bath?
03:21The ice bath, no, that wasn't, it wasn't broadcast
03:23Apparently, he actually has ice baths in a wheelie bin
03:27And I think that can't be enjoyable, can it?
03:29Particularly if he does it on a Tuesday and gets carried away by the council
03:33It was a historic moment
03:35Because it was after years of naysaying, years of doubt, years of, you know, can it be done
03:40After 77 years, Andy Murray proved that Scottish people can operate in that temperature
03:45I know that the, you know, last year Andy came into the studio
03:52After not winning the final, it's kind of become a little tradition
03:55And I don't want to make a big thing of it
03:57But he's in the back of the room tonight there, enjoying the show, enjoying the show so far
04:00Andy, laughing away there
04:02Yes
04:04Don't freeze frame it, don't freeze frame it
04:06It gives it away
04:07We sent the invitation
04:11He's had a shave since the final
04:13It's amazing
04:14Andy, laughing away, he loved that one, he loved it
04:16Do you like that one as well, Andy? Do you think that's very funny?
04:18Yeah, laughing away, very, very good
04:22The fact that the bloke who was here last year behind him has come back again
04:26Come in, come in, come in
04:27It's good to have him back as well
04:28Good to have Terry there, hiya Terry
04:30It's good to have you here
04:32Yes, he trains, he's in sushi, sushi diet
04:34And what they do is they give him a load of sushi
04:36And then he has to run around the conveyor belt trying to catch
04:38That's been the major part of his training
04:41That's why training is so expensive, those little plates, don't they?
04:44Oh man, sometimes they go, green plate, green plate
04:46And he'll drop all the red plates and just go for green plates and get them set
04:50It's actually a really difficult game to understand
04:53And I think that's, they make it deliberately difficult to make it more exclusive
04:57So everyone's going, why does it go 15, 30, you know, and then 40, love
05:01And it's 40, 30, and surely it's 40, 40
05:03And they go, no, don't be silly, it's deuce, you peasant
05:05They deliberately have designed it like that, haven't they?
05:09They have made it particularly difficult
05:10What does it go to? What is the mystery number after 40?
05:13In my head it's 60, I've always presumed it's 15, 30, 40, 60
05:18But they never say it
05:19I know, actually, I genuinely, I mean, this isn't funny, this is actually true
05:22What?
05:22Oh, get off the show, get off the show
05:25Do you want me to say that you misread the memo?
05:28I know what it is, it's um, it's a clock face
05:33So it's 15 and there was 30 and it used to be 45
05:36But they, for some reason over time it became 40
05:38So it's, it is 60, so you're right
05:40Well, you know it's a Dara's team
05:42I'm actually, I'm actually in the league
05:52If I wandered into the wrong studio, it's question of sport on
05:57We've got to play the mystery guest round and what happens next?
06:01Yeah, maybe it's Andy Murray
06:03He's still up there laughing away
06:07You would think, Dara, that maybe if Andy Murray was here
06:09He could have answered your question himself
06:11Probably, yeah, yeah
06:13Although he wouldn't, if you'd asked him a question
06:15He'd have gone, well
06:17Oh Christ
06:19He makes even winning sound like quite depressing
06:24Everything's like, oh well
06:24You know the first wasn't so good
06:26I tried to grow a beard
06:27It's just bunflot
06:29I don't even like tennis
06:30I'm just too scared to tell my mum
06:34It was a fantastic radio commentary
06:36Just when he got to the first of the four championship points
06:40The guy said, the commentator said
06:42And now the moment that none of us
06:44None of us in our wildest dreams imagined would happen
06:51And you think, you couldn't imagine that the world number two
06:59He's of a very limited imagination
07:03What else is this guy going to be absolutely shocked by
07:06He opens a door with a handle
07:07He goes, never in my wildest dreams
07:10There's a whole other room in here
07:15It was 50 degrees heat though, isn't it
07:17And he, he wasn't wearing a hat
07:20And you're thinking, you know
07:21He's strawberry blonde at best
07:23And Djokovic was wearing a hat
07:25And then I went off to make a cup of tea
07:27I came back
07:28And Murray's wearing a hat
07:30And Djokovic is wearing a hat
07:32It seemed like there was only one hat
07:37It was almost like they'd changed ends
07:39And Djokovic had taken off his hat
07:41Was mopping his brow
07:42And Murray had thought, I'm having that
07:46This kind of idea that there's been 77 years of hurt
07:49Isn't true, is it?
07:50Because
07:50No
07:50There's been no one who's been going just like
07:52You're all right mate, I'm sorry
07:54I just
07:55Just remembered we haven't won Wimbledon in 74 years
07:59We're going to have to take the day off work
08:00The pain is too much
08:02He's only 26
08:04He hasn't been waiting 77 years
08:06Can we just clear that up?
08:08But the court queen, she got a message
08:10He got a message from the queen didn't he
08:11She, she is like, she's in her 80s
08:14For 77 years she's been waiting to send that message
08:18And the message she sent was
08:20Congratulations for finally succeeding after 77 years
08:23It's a message she'd pre-written for Prince Charles
08:29They'd say it like
08:30Andy Murray's, he's so inspiring because he trains so hard
08:32And I go
08:33That's not inspiring
08:34Because that means I don't want to do this
08:37And what would be inspiring if they said
08:38He's not just one Wimbledon
08:39He gets up at 11 o'clock
08:40Has a fry up
08:42Then he goes to the leisure centre hungover
08:44And then he goes to Cineworld
08:45And he still wins Wimbledon
08:46That's an inspiring guy
08:50Sitting in the chair between there
08:52He's going
08:54Go out again
08:55Go on
08:56Under arm here
08:58He nearly didn't get to the final though
09:00Did he watch the semi-final?
09:01Yes
09:01They brought the roof on
09:02So he was two sets up
09:04He was whatever
09:04He was ahead anyway
09:05And he and they closed the roof
09:07And his whole momentum went
09:08And the reason they closed the roof
09:09It wasn't raining
09:10It wasn't
09:11They didn't close it to stop the rain
09:12They closed it because they thought it might get dark
09:15And you have to have the roof closed
09:16To have the lights on
09:17You have to have it shut
09:18To turn the lights on
09:19It's the reverse of a fridge
09:24Have they thought of just turning on the lights?
09:27Apparently the reason why they can't do that
09:29Is because it's so close to Heathrow
09:30A plane might land on them
09:32Well they're not
09:33Planes aren't moths
09:34I see how you got that science show now
09:48Planes are not moths
09:49Do you know what?
09:50It is
09:50The whole thing though
09:51Is going to change
09:53Britain
09:53I think all this week
09:54Children will be getting out
09:55Tennis rackets
09:56And they'll be phoning up their local club
09:57And finding out
09:58It's too expensive to join
09:59My favourite headline was
10:04The sun
10:04You know everyone's been
10:05Been looking at all of his preparation
10:07Everything that's led up to this
10:08And the sun had a headline that said
10:10Murray's amazing routine
10:12That turned him into supermandy
10:14Right
10:14Which they think is a pun on superman
10:17And andy
10:17But actually just makes him sound like
10:19The world's campus
10:20It's a job for supermandy
10:25Why do burglars wear those stripes
10:27They are so fat in there
10:30Did you see those terrible musical montages
10:33At the end of the set
10:35You know
10:36And you're there thinking
10:37Well imagine they did that for us
10:39You know
10:40When somebody here like wins a point or something
10:42Gives the answer
10:43And then there's this
10:44Do do do do do do
10:47You know
10:47It's all in slow motion
10:54Slow motion
10:57That's a good week by the way for a British sport anyway
11:05Yeah
11:05I mean Chris Froome
11:06Yeah I love Chris Froome
11:08Because he's got a name
11:09That sounds like
11:10What it sounds like
11:11When he goes past you
11:13Froome
11:13Yeah
11:15France
11:15I haven't won the Tour de France
11:16In 30 years now
11:18And you think they know their way round
11:19You know it's there
11:20He was raised in South Africa wasn't he
11:31And the only reason he took up cycling
11:33Was because he couldn't get into our cricket team
11:35That was the uh
11:36What
11:36The only reason I'm here is because I couldn't get into Westlife
11:42At the end of that round
11:47Point to Ed
11:48Josh and Andy
11:52Now we play a round called
11:54Mock the creek without a paddle
11:56This game involves Hal and Josh
11:58So if you could make your way to the performance area please
12:00This round is our stand-up challenge
12:01I launch a wheel of news
12:02And wherever chooses to stop one of our performers
12:04Must step forward and talk about that subject
12:06The winner is whoever I think is the funniest
12:07Okay here we go
12:08Let's spin the wheel
12:12The first thing we did is the north-south divide
12:15Hal
12:18The north-south divide
12:19Yes
12:19I believe we should build a wall and make it official
12:22I do
12:22Obviously you know
12:23Northerners can build it
12:28Well pay for it
12:32But it's all built on stereotypes
12:34The assumptions are all
12:35It's all built on stereotypes
12:36I have relatives in Grimsby
12:39Who come to London
12:40And look for London to fulfill its stereotype
12:43So they walk round going
12:44Oh it's so unfriendly
12:45No one chats to each other
12:47And I say to them
12:47Why this constant need to chat
12:52In Grimsby
12:53I said to them
12:56There was a little less chat
12:58And a bit more reading
13:05Grimsby could be a cultural and economic superpower
13:07It really could
13:10The assumption is ridiculous
13:11The assumption that everybody down south is rich is unfair
13:14Like London
13:14Yes very wealthy city
13:16It's also got the biggest concentration of poverty in the UK
13:18Is in London
13:19That's a fact
13:20Not me
13:20Thank god
13:21God no
13:21Don't be silly
13:22No
13:22No
13:24No
13:24No
13:24No
13:25No
13:25This goes tits up
13:26Mummy bails me out
13:27But uh
13:27See maybe that's why I have
13:32I've got a thing about this
13:33Because I am from a very
13:35Middle class southern family
13:37And we are
13:37I am a bit of a middle class southern twat
13:39You know
13:39We're one of those families that meet
13:41And everything is lovely
13:42It's like
13:42How are you
13:43Are you well
13:43Yes I'm lovely
13:44Are you lovely
13:44I'm lovely too
13:45We're not really lovely
13:47We just
13:47We can't do confrontation
13:48The middle classes
13:49That's why you never see us
13:50On the Jeremy Kyle show
13:52Ever
13:52Ever
13:52She's sleeping with your best mate
13:55Well obviously I'm not happy about it Jeremy
13:57She'd be rubbish
13:58Didn't she
13:58They're having a baby
14:02She stole money off you
14:03To buy drugs
14:04She is a bit of a character
14:05Isn't she
14:06Thank you very much
14:10How
14:11Well done
14:11Now we're left with Josh
14:17Let's see what you have
14:18Let's spin the wheel
14:19The topic is the home
14:22Josh where to come
14:24My flatmate
14:26Is kind of
14:28Filling our kitchen
14:29Full of all the kind of
14:30Pointless things my mum has in her home
14:33Now
14:33I don't know if you've got
14:35We've just got this teabag saucer
14:36The saucer for teabags
14:38It's a very useful item
14:40If you haven't got it
14:41What it is
14:41It's a saucer
14:42That you keep halfway
14:43Between your kettle
14:44And your bin
14:46It's basically
14:50For when you make a cup of tea
14:51And then you get the teabag
14:52Look across at the bin
14:53And go
14:53That's a journey isn't it
14:58That's three or four yards
15:00I need a stop off
15:02That's like driving to Leeds
15:03I can drive timeless
15:04Then you walk
15:06Halfway
15:07Put your teabag down
15:08Go back
15:09Pick up your cup of tea
15:09And walk past the bin
15:10And out of the kitchen
15:11All we've done is
15:13Create a kind of teabag death row
15:14That's all we've done
15:15We've got our teabag saucer
15:17And our breakfast bar
15:18If you haven't got a breakfast bar
15:19What it is
15:19It's an extra yard of sideboard
15:21And it's for eating your breakfast
15:23So when you wake up in the morning
15:24You want to eat your breakfast
15:25But you think
15:26Bloody hell
15:26It's too early for a table
15:28Isn't it
15:28I mean I can't handle one of them
15:32Until lunch time
15:33I mean
15:33What I want is something slightly higher
15:35And less comfortable
15:36That's what I'm looking for
15:37I mean
15:37There's one thing I don't want to eat at
15:40At 8am
15:40It's a bar
15:41That is the reason I feel so shit
15:42In the first place
15:43Well done
15:45Good birthday dude
15:46At the end of that round
15:48Points to birthday dude
15:49Come on back
15:50Now we play a game called
15:58Picture of the Week
15:59I show the panel a topical image
16:00And ask them to tell me
16:01What's happening
16:02So teams
16:02What is going on here
16:04Is this a poster for the film
16:08Shakes on a plane
16:09I don't know what
16:16I don't know what it is
16:17But whatever he's done
16:18He's thought
16:19I'm going to sit here
16:19The other two windows
16:20Haven't got curtains
16:21To me
16:25It looks like an Islamic
16:27Fundamentalist fruit machine
16:29I'm trying to get three beers
16:32Brilliant
16:35Someone is thinking
16:37Just two more stickers
16:38And I'll have completed
16:39My Panini world terrorist ticket
16:41Is this the new Al Qaeda edition
16:45Of Guess Who
16:46Does he have a beard
16:48No
16:48Is this the new design
16:54For the new red stripe can
16:55But I've never seen anybody
17:00So desperate
17:01Not to go back to Jordan
17:02Since Peter Andre
17:03It's
17:04It is
17:06I wanted it to be like a rom-com
17:13And Theresa May was going to change her mind
17:15At the last minute
17:15And run to the airport
17:16She'd be bashing on the window
17:20Going no
17:21And then she'd turn around
17:22And there he is
17:23I was never leaving
17:26I was never leaving
17:26They hired a private charter flight
17:31Didn't they
17:31People going
17:32You couldn't really go
17:33On a scheduled flight
17:35You aren't going to want to fly
17:36With Abu Qatada
17:38On the same plane
17:39Although ironically
17:40It's probably the safest flight
17:42You've ever been on
17:43If they put that as the
17:46You know when you have to click on the plan
17:47On the
17:48When you're booking a seat
17:49There'd just be a picture of Abu Qatada
17:50I'm not going to go next to him
17:53I'll upgrade
17:53I think
17:54I'm going to make seven pounds
17:56It costs fifty grand
17:59Apparently
17:59To hire a private jet
18:01For him to fly
18:01And they were thinking
18:02Of putting him on Ryanair
18:03But apparently
18:04There's a special beard supplement
18:05And it would have been
18:06Where is he heading to now?
18:10He's heading to
18:11Is it Mwakar prison?
18:14Mwakar prison
18:14Mwakar prison
18:14Which the telegraph are complaining
18:16Is too nice
18:17Yeah
18:17Well the telegraph image
18:18It's too nice a prison
18:19I think the telegraph
18:20Presumed
18:20Because the prison has
18:21You know
18:22And I think
18:23His cell has a bed
18:24They don't hang him up there
18:25Down from the ceiling
18:26My favourite one
18:28Was
18:28There's a prison supermarket
18:30And you think
18:31Wow there's probably
18:32A few things going missing
18:33From there aren't there
18:34There's like
18:35One cashier
18:36And 43 store detectives
18:37There's a pottery room
18:40As well
18:41And I've just got an image
18:42Of him making
18:43Like the scene from
18:44Ghost with him
18:44And then Osama bin Laden's
18:47Ghost in the Patrick's Ways
18:48And then you've got
18:50Abu Hamza's hook
18:51Ruining it
18:54Go away
18:57Whose popularity has risen
18:59As a result of his
19:00Deportation
19:01Andy Murray
19:01Andy Murray
19:02Because Andy Murray
19:04Was pretty popular
19:05On Saturday
19:05And then
19:06He got deported
19:07Early on Sunday morning
19:08And by Sunday evening
19:09Andy Murray was like
19:10The most popular man
19:11In the country
19:12Isn't that true Andy
19:13Andy's having a big laugh
19:14About that
19:14Oh you can't
19:18Stop putting on the
19:20Freeze
19:20It was Theresa May
19:22It was Theresa May
19:23Theresa May
19:24The Home Secretary
19:25Theresa May
19:25Who is the most
19:26Extraordinary
19:27Sounding politician
19:28You've ever heard
19:29In your life
19:30She constantly talks
19:30Like that
19:31Like she's that far
19:31Off going
19:32Bat shit
19:32Really hard
19:35Being home secretary
19:36Stop asking
19:37These really difficult
19:38Questions
19:38Why has it been
19:41A challenging week
19:42For Ed Miliband
19:43Because he's still
19:44Ed Miliband
19:44He's Ed Miliband
19:45May we have
19:53Some specifics please
19:54Is his brother
19:54Coming to stay
19:55How are things in
20:00New York
20:01Really good
20:01Actually
20:02Yeah
20:02Oh really
20:04You think we should
20:05Move on from this
20:05Where did Andy
20:10Have tea
20:11The day after
20:11His win
20:12Number 10
20:13Yes he did
20:14He went to number 10
20:14Met with political
20:15Leaders there
20:16Yeah
20:16And they laughed
20:17They laughed awkwardly
20:18The political leaders
20:18There they are
20:19All laughing
20:20While Andy Murray
20:20Looks on going
20:21What happened
20:22There you think
20:22It's so funny
20:23Literally nothing
20:25Amusing has happened
20:26Why are you all laughing
20:27He's still laughing now
20:28Look at him
20:29Look at him there
20:29There he is
20:30Just laughed
20:32Him away
20:32Oh god
20:34I wish he'd come again
20:35Last year when he lost
20:42In his moment of need
20:43We looked after him
20:44Now he can't be arsed
20:46Can he
20:46He's swanning with the prime minister
20:48He's dead to us
20:49I prefer to think
20:51That we were there
20:52When he needed him
20:53And now
20:54We let him fly
20:55We let him fly away
20:56Go
20:57Go
20:58Go
20:58If he loves us
20:59He'll come back to us
21:00I don't think we need to worry
21:02Since he came to see us
21:03He's won the US Open
21:04He's won Olympic gold
21:06He's won Wimbledon
21:07I've heard
21:08Arsene Wenger's been on the phone for tickets
21:10Now we come to scenes we'd like to see
21:22So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area
21:24I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with
21:28OK here we go
21:30The first subject is
21:32Unlikely things to hear on daytime TV
21:35Well these four date from the early part of last century
21:40Some wear and tear
21:41A little bit of tarnishing there
21:42But please welcome today's loose women
21:45Welcome to Channel 4 Daytime
21:52Or as you said to your boss this morning
21:54Working from home
21:56Well coming up next
22:02Two programmes you don't want to get confused
22:04Escape to the Huntryside
22:05And Bargain
22:06Hang on
22:06The next programme is Pointless
22:14It's the Jeremy Kyle Show
22:15Coming up
22:22Teletubbies uncut
22:24Yes you're going to get to see Tinky Winky's Winky
22:26And Gypsy's La La
22:28Next
22:33Judge Judy
22:34I have
22:35She's shit
22:35Hello and welcome to
22:42Let's decorate the shit out of this house
22:45This week we're decorating the shit out of a three bed semi in Orpington
22:49So let's do it
22:50Let's decorate the shit out of this house
22:53Next up another property programme
23:01Which is pretty offensive
23:02When we consider you're all unemployed
23:04Hello welcome to this morning
23:10I'm Philip
23:11I'm a man on television
23:12So I can go grey
23:13And look older
23:14This is Holly
23:15One wrinkle
23:16And she's finished
23:17So David wants to retire by the sea
23:25So we advised him to buy in Norwich
23:27Because by the time he's retired
23:28The sea will have come to him
23:30Next on Flog It
23:36The team meet their greatest challenge yet
23:38A dead horse
23:40And now a trip round Dara O'Brien's head
23:50In Hair Hunters
23:52Next up the Austrian version of Cash in the Attic
24:03It's family in the basement
24:05Hello and welcome to
24:12Let's cook the shit out of some dinner
24:14And now on BBC One
24:19Let's make an appointment with doctors
24:21If we phone now we may be able to see them next Thursday
24:24Welcome to A Place in the Sun
24:31The show that's for people who aren't sure if they want to live in Britain
24:33Or move abroad
24:34First up Abu Qatada
24:36Next up on ITV3
24:43It's a cutting edge American drama
24:46I'm only joking
24:47It's Taggart again
24:48Hello and welcome to
24:54I'm going to sell these antiques if it fucking kills me
24:57Unlikely things to hear in hospital
25:05I'm afraid we've lost him
25:08But in my defence Dr Dre is just a stage name
25:11Right
25:16I'm afraid you have had a stroke
25:19So can you now take your hand out of my trousers
25:21The good news is I can save your leg
25:29The bad news is I can't save the rest of you
25:32His heart's stopped
25:37Quick
25:38Get the defrib
25:39Ah sorry he's dead
25:42Look who's the doctor here
25:47Me or you
25:47Seriously I've been awake for so long
25:49I can't even tell anymore
25:50OK I think we should remove the mole
25:56How did it get up there?
26:04Welcome to Ashford Hospital
26:06Why not join me in playing
26:08Pregnant or Fat
26:10Now students we know the operation has been a failure
26:18Because we heard a buzzing and his nose lit up
26:21Welcome to the cardiology unit
26:32Boom
26:32No you've got to leave this afternoon Mrs Smith
26:40We need your bed
26:41I'm shagging a nurse in it at four o'clock
26:44Your husband is in a stable condition
26:49His room's filthy and there's horse shit everywhere
26:51You could look at it that way
26:58Or you could think of it as gaining a hook
27:01So him that's my former husband
27:10Well because you asked me to bring in my ex-ray
27:13I'm afraid we're a bit short of time today
27:21Do you mind if we pull the sheet over you now?
27:31I'm sorry we're all full up at A and E
27:34We're going to have to send you to B and Q
27:37You'll just feel a small prick
27:44And then I'll pull my trousers up
27:46And it won't bother you again
27:46Now what seems to be the pro-
27:52Fuckin' hell!
27:55Okay
27:55And the boy's going to Chris Heughan Howe
27:58And at the end of the show
28:06This week's winners are Andy Parsons
28:09Josh Ridicom and Ed Byrne
28:10Commiseration to Chris Addison
28:15Hugh Dennis and Hal Cundland
28:17Thank you for watching
28:19I'm Darren Green
28:20Goodnight
28:21I'm Darren Green
28:26I'm Darren Green
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