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00:00The world of hope
00:02Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:08Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
00:18We start with a round called, if this is the answer, what is the question?
00:21On the board are six categories.
00:23Catherine, which category would you like?
00:25Could I have world news?
00:27Your category is world news and the answer is 197.
00:30What is the question?
00:32Is it Dara O'Brien's hat size?
00:37Hey, that's really hard, Lee.
00:39What a way to start the series. That is unbelievable.
00:42It's 198.
00:44Is it, what are the first three numbers of the decade
00:48most googled by the staff of Operation U-tree?
00:52On a similar note, is it in fact, how many times
00:55have the Coronation Street writers had to rewrite the script
00:58in the last month?
01:07It's very quiet in the Rovers' return tonight, isn't it?
01:10Wait till the courts throw out.
01:12Is it how many pounds did Amazon pay in tax last year?
01:20Is it?
01:21Yeah, fight the power.
01:23Is it, what is the combined age of Joan Rivers and a one-year-old?
01:27Is it, how many intelligence reports have been produced as a result of the PRISM programme?
01:38Absolutely, thank you very much. You, well done.
01:40Very good.
01:41Yes, the question I was looking for was, how many intelligence reports has GCHQ generated from the US government surveillance programme PRISM in the last year?
01:52This is the news that the US National Security Agency, the NSA, has tapped into the servers of nine internet companies to track online communication.
01:59GCHQ, the British Government Communications Headquarters, has had access to the system since 2010.
02:06Are we alarmed and frightened by this development?
02:08No.
02:09No.
02:10Why would you be?
02:11Next question.
02:14They've tapped into Facebook.
02:16Yeah.
02:17Who is planning terrorism on Facebook?
02:20Who's inviting you to the event Death to the West?
02:22Maybe attending.
02:24I mean, there's someone stockpiling chemicals on Farmville, that is not how it works.
02:30There is always a possibility, I suppose, that terrorists have changed their status, isn't there?
02:35Oh no, I went from sleeper to active.
02:41It's complicated.
02:45Who cares, because people are genuinely worried, because the Americans are listening in, right, and they're telling the British about stuff,
02:50and they're using Chinese technology, so the Chinese are listening in.
02:54Who cares if the Chinese are listening to your conversation?
02:57It's not like the Red Army are going to turn up on your doorstep going,
03:00You've got to stop phoning your girlfriend drunk late at night!
03:03You've got to get over that, man!
03:05She was shown now, you've got to respect it!
03:08Come on!
03:10You've got to get out!
03:12Like, if it is a crime to look at the Facebook of someone you hardly know,
03:16I am in serious shit!
03:19I don't want to be stood in court with them going,
03:22Right, now we move on to the album Corfu 2008!
03:26He's nodding as if, oh, I know that album!
03:29I thought I'd had a few views more than I was expecting!
03:33One way of making sure that no-one's watching you is to present a show on ITV4!
03:39LAUGHTER
03:42How's that going, Milton?
03:44LAUGHTER
03:46Some of them are fine.
03:48Facebook, obviously everyone knows about previous issues on Facebook.
03:51Yahoo, I'm sure they're getting a lot of stuff off Yahoo.
03:54Pal talk it into who they are.
03:56AOL, they're still...
03:58Oh, something was on AOL!
04:00They could practically read them and go,
04:03Why are you still on AOL?
04:04You know, so AOL are very old, but Microsoft were one of the first to be...
04:08They were the first year in 2007, yeah.
04:10Do you think that's what that bloody Microsoft Office paperclip was?
04:13LAUGHTER
04:17You look like you're planning a terrorist atrocity!
04:20You seem to be writing a letter, would you like some help?
04:24No!
04:25And then I'll send it to the CIA!
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28I didn't mind the idea that GCHQ were actually listening to your phone conversations,
04:33cos I thought it'd be nice if there was at least one call centre in Britain
04:36where they gave a toss about what you were saying!
04:39How did the story come to light?
04:41There was a man called Edward Snowden, who is a whistleblower.
04:44He blew the whole gaff wide open, man!
04:46And then went to Hong Kong.
04:48I don't trust whistleblowers cos the last one sent me on a cross-country run with pants on.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54LAUGHTER
04:57He wants to go to Iceland, doesn't he?
04:58He does want to go to Iceland.
04:59And do you know why he wants to go to Iceland?
05:01Because Iceland...
05:02Well, there's no wonder that people who don't keep mum want to go to Iceland.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07APPLAUSE
05:09Yes!
05:11But he's not employed by the CIA, he was employed by a company
05:15to whom the CIA outsourced their spying needs.
05:18Yes.
05:20Yeah?
05:21Booz Allen, which has, like, the most unimaginative nickname ever, doesn't it?
05:25This is Booz Allen, that's Jogs Phil.
05:28LAUGHTER
05:29And this is getting sucked off behind a Bin's Rodney.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:33You know the news, what's happening here?
05:35It's someone having a bath with inflatable skyscrapers.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41That is, in fact, a whistleblower hiding from the world's press.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45You know, that's what bath time looks like every day if you're a nipple.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50LAUGHTER
05:52Bravo.
05:53Imagine waking up and seeing that out of your hotel window.
05:57You'd think, my God, that was a better night than I was expecting.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:02Do you know what it is or where that is?
06:03It's a massive inflatable duck...
06:05Yes.
06:06...that has been doing a tour of major cities of the world.
06:08It's an art installation.
06:09Yes.
06:10It's ended up in Hong Kong.
06:11It got punctured, I think.
06:13It did get punctured.
06:14It deflated, didn't it?
06:15It deflated quite dramatically.
06:16Yeah.
06:17This is how it looks midway through that process.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19Oh, for God's sake, grow up!
06:20Look at that!
06:21That's fantastic!
06:22That's a genuine...
06:23Wait!
06:24Oh, no, we'll have read this.
06:25We're once in a mockery again.
06:26Genuine human emotion.
06:28And I reacted.
06:29This is how it looks about, like, the following morning.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:34It looks like Eric Pickles has gone swimming and lost his trunks, doesn't it?
06:37LAUGHTER
06:41It was.
06:42It was.
06:43It's an art installation which has travelled the world and it got punctured in...
06:46And it never came here.
06:47Where is that?
06:48Which would be an awful thing.
06:49I'd love to see during the Jubilee, you know, just floating in the background.
06:53A lot of really long, boring events with loads of boats.
06:56Fern Cotton is chatting to some Dunkirk survivors going,
06:59and was it really scary?
07:01And then a giant yellow duck just drifts...
07:04LAUGHTER
07:05If you've ever seen that, mate.
07:07Right.
07:08If you've ever seen that, mate.
07:09APPLAUSE
07:10I agree with you.
07:11I think...
07:12We need more massive inflatable animals.
07:14They could have a massive yellow duck on the river,
07:17they should have a massive inflatable pigeon
07:19at the top of the shard,
07:21and a massive inflatable hamster on the London Eye.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:25I feel really sad for the lady who was disappointed to have missed the duck.
07:35She said it was a childhood dream.
07:38What kind of childhood dream?
07:40Like, yeah, I'm going to quit astronaut school
07:42and go see a giant inflatable duck.
07:44LAUGHTER
07:46Do you think it left Hong Kong when it saw the massive inflatable pancakes
07:49and the massive inflatable hoisin sauce?
07:52LAUGHTER
07:53I think...
07:55It's...
07:56It's a shame it's left Hong Kong,
07:58because as a comedian, I think...
08:00As comedians, I think we probably all regret not taking the opportunity
08:03to go and hear some Chinese people genuinely saying,
08:05this duck is rubbery.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08APPLAUSE
08:10That's it.
08:12Now, this is...
08:13It's not a new story, that one, but this is about it.
08:16Why has the Chinese government now banned the phrase
08:18big yellow duck from internet searches?
08:21Oh, it's some really horrible porn you don't want to see.
08:23No, it's nothing to do with duck-based pornography.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:28Is it a Tiananmen Square thing?
08:29Yes, it is, absolutely.
08:30Because we just passed the anniversary of...
08:32of Tiananmen Square,
08:33and in the run-up to it, people were using that image.
08:36I mean, that's the famous iconic image of Tiananmen Square,
08:38the man standing in front of the tanks,
08:39which has been variously changed on Chinese websites
08:43to images like this one.
08:45So, that's...
08:46LAUGHTER
08:47In many ways, that's more scary.
08:48It's actually more frightening,
08:49that the duck would be the tool of an oppressive state.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53Apparently, the Hong Kong government were going to vote
08:55to see if they could try and feed the duck
08:57through the window of a giant skyscraper,
09:00but the bill didn't go through.
09:03LAUGHTER
09:04APPLAUSE
09:06At the end of that round,
09:08the points go to Josh, Catherine and Andy!
09:12CHEERING
09:14Now, we play a round called The Great Gagsby.
09:17This game...
09:18LAUGHTER
09:19..involves Milton, Andy and Josh.
09:21If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
09:23This round is a stand-up challenge.
09:25I launch the Wheel of News
09:26and whoever chooses to stop,
09:27one of our performers must step forward
09:28and talk about that subject.
09:29The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
09:31OK, here we go.
09:32Let's have our first topic, please.
09:34The first subject is health.
09:37Can I have somebody in that?
09:39Andy Parsons.
09:40That's, er...
09:41That's one hell of a gingerbread man, isn't it?
09:44LAUGHTER
09:46According to my doctor,
09:48she was saying that, er,
09:50I've got an underactive thyroid.
09:52She said one of the symptoms of this
09:54was lifeless hair.
09:56LAUGHTER
09:59I said I may have had this for a while.
10:01LAUGHTER
10:03Doctor said I was borderline overweight.
10:06I said, surely that also means I'm borderline ideal.
10:10LAUGHTER
10:12APPLAUSE
10:14She said apparently they're using testosterone injections
10:20in men to help them control their weight.
10:23And I was guessing, you know,
10:24if you are full of testosterone, you know,
10:26chances are if you do see a doughnut,
10:28you'll rather more try and shag it than eat it.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:36And apparently, bald people,
10:37apparently, what they're saying in the research is
10:39that bald people aren't, in fact, bald,
10:41their hair is just sleeping.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:44Which is definitely going to come as a shock
10:46when Wayne Rooney's hair wakes up
10:47and finds somebody else just moved in.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:50LAUGHTER
10:51Thank you very much, Andy Parson.
10:53APPLAUSE
10:57OK, let's spin the wheel again.
11:00The next subject is parties.
11:02Who wants to come in?
11:03Josh Whittaker.
11:04Looks like an exciting party, doesn't it?
11:06Um...
11:07I got invited recently to a thing called a traffic lights party.
11:10I don't know if you've been invited to one of these.
11:12What it is if you haven't been,
11:13it's a party for single people
11:15and it is the bleakest thing humanity has ever done.
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19It's a party where you go wearing the colour of a traffic light
11:21depending on your availability to sleep with a stranger.
11:24So you wear red if you're not available,
11:26orange if it's a maybe,
11:27and green if you have absolutely no self-respect at all.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32I didn't go cos I'm a driver,
11:33I know how traffic lights work,
11:34I know how that party's going to end.
11:35It's going to end with one girl stood in green
11:37and then a queue of men with me at the back
11:39slowly pushing forward going,
11:40please be still green when I get there.
11:42Please be still green when I get there.
11:44LAUGHTER
11:49Also, I'm a driver,
11:51I've driven with people,
11:52when they see orange they'll just go,
11:54well that's essentially green if I go out fast enough, isn't it?
11:59Who is wearing red to a traffic light party?
12:01If you're wearing red,
12:02you do not need to go to a traffic light party.
12:04What are your other options?
12:06Turning up at A&E and going,
12:07no I'm fine,
12:08watch the carnage of others.
12:09Thank you very much.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:11Thank you very, very much.
12:12Well done, Geoff.
12:13APPLAUSE
12:18So that leaves us with Milton,
12:19let's see what you've been left with,
12:21let's spin the wheel.
12:24Topic is history.
12:25348 BC.
12:26The breakfast cereal Frosties is invented by Alexander the Great.
12:38LAUGHTER
12:43303 AD.
12:45St George slays the dragon with his new invention, the sword.
12:48The other dragons offer him all the money for 20% of the company.
12:55APPLAUSE
12:581896.
12:59H.G. Wells publishes the book The Time Machine.
13:031897.
13:04H.G. Wells writes the book The Time Machine.
13:062400 BC.
13:07The Chinese merchant Zhang Zhou, the man who discovered gunpowder, is buried on the outskirts of Peking, Western Shanghai and parts of Nepal.
13:24APPLAUSE
13:321571.
13:33You have no new messages.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:41And finally,
13:433642 AD.
13:46H.G. Wells is born.
13:49APPLAUSE
13:51Thank you very much.
13:52You've got the wrong points there for Milton Jones.
13:56APPLAUSE
14:00Our next round is called Headliners.
14:01Here's a picture of David Cameron recently, but what does C-I-E-L stand for?
14:06That is, Brian Blessed standing beside him for some random reason.
14:10Is it what Cameron had for lunch?
14:11Crisps, ice cream, eagle, lilt.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15Is it just simply?
14:17Cameron is entered by Lucifer.
14:18The Lucifer.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:24Is he going,
14:25Cretins,
14:26i.e.
14:27Liberals.
14:29LAUGHTER
14:35Is this why we're so unpopular in Europe?
14:37Is it Cameron's interpreter exceptionally loud?
14:41LAUGHTER
14:43Bonjour!
14:44Has he seen Boris up on a window ledge and it's, er, Cameron insistently encourages leap?
14:53LAUGHTER
14:55Maybe he's just trying to have a nice time.
14:57Cameron never has a good day and he's saying,
14:59Can't I enjoy London?
15:01LAUGHTER
15:03That'd be great.
15:04A musical montage of Cameron hanging off the back of a bus, er, putting on a hat, er, for one day, I'm in Trafalgar Square, spinning around.
15:16That'd be great.
15:18Aw, let's all chip in for him to get, like, one of those hop-on, hop-off tickets.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:24The C is for Cameron and it's about electability.
15:25Anyone know what it is?
15:26Couple it in ecstatic love.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:30Is it...?
15:31Is it...?
15:32Let me shout, sweet nothings in your ear!
15:35Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
15:37Slash!
15:38Er...
15:39I'm coming!
15:41LAUGHTER
15:43Can we please get the correct answer, please?
15:44It's something like...
15:46Cameron is electoral liability?
15:48Yes, I'll take that.
15:49Oh!
15:50Well done, Josh Willicombe.
15:51Very good, thank you.
15:53APPLAUSE
15:54The answer I was looking for was, Cameron is electoral liability.
15:57This is news for the first time in his Premiership.
15:59David Cameron is less popular than the Conservative Party is overall.
16:03The findings come in a recent poll conducted by former Tory Treasurer, Lord Ashcroft,
16:07revealing disappointment in Cameron's performance
16:09and leading some to question his position as head of the party,
16:12most notably, presumably, Lord Ashcroft.
16:14Er...
16:15But is it...?
16:16Even if people like Lord Ashcroft are turning against him,
16:17Er...
16:18Is this the end for Cameron?
16:19Is this the end?
16:20I don't know.
16:21What are you looking at me for?
16:22LAUGHTER
16:23For Cameron to be less popular than his own party?
16:26He's like the Dappy to his N-dubs.
16:28He is the Terry Katona to his Atomic Kitten.
16:31He's the Justin Bieber to Canada.
16:33It's low.
16:34LAUGHTER
16:35He also uses turns of phrase like, er...
16:38I have to say...
16:39I have to say...
16:41Imagine him at home.
16:43I have to say, this is a really marvellous salad dressing.
16:46Do you have to, David?
16:48LAUGHTER
16:49Do you have to say that?
16:50Are your wife and children being held hostage?
16:52LAUGHTER
16:53By Balsamic Jihad?
16:55LAUGHTER
16:56So, when Balsamic Jihad died, do they get 72 bottles of extra virgin olive oil?
17:05LAUGHTER
17:07APPLAUSE
17:09How has he fallen out with some of his own MPs in the last one?
17:15Gay marriage.
17:16Gay marriage was the major one, yeah.
17:18A lot of Tories aren't happy about gay marriage, which is kind of odd,
17:21cos a lot of them are gay and married, from what I can tell you.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:26I'm all in favour of campaigning for same-sex marriage, but as a married person with young children, I'm more concerned about a some-sex marriage.
17:37LAUGHTER
17:39That's going to affect family life. I don't know how.
17:43Partly if you, if there are gay people happy somewhere in the world, you just, you know it.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:52Sipping there having tea with your wife, you can hear it in the distance, pounding disco beats of a great gay marriage.
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59You know it's somewhere there and you're lucky to have to.
18:01Oh, you'll have to get a divorce now.
18:02This is a sham! This is a sham!
18:04This whole institute we signed up for is now worth nothing!
18:09Who is it?
18:10AMCA!
18:11No! Don't care to!
18:13I mean, there's not much enjoyment of marriage that goes around from what I can tell from when I grew up.
18:17Sorry, that was a bit bleak.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20Lord Dealer, the former one of his former police chief, tried to put through a spoiler bill.
18:26I do like the idea of spoiler bill. That's a guy you don't want to have in your life, isn't it?
18:30One spoiler bill. Did you, did you, did you see the episode of Game of Thrones?
18:34Let me tell you exactly what happened.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36Who invited spoiler bill to the party?
18:39Walking around ruining shit.
18:41Oh, have you not seen the end of Breaking Bad?
18:43Oh!
18:44Ah!
18:45What? Don't tell me!
18:46I thought I'd never seen the end of Breaking Bad.
18:48Can you tell me what you've yet seen in Game of Thrones?
18:51197 tits!
18:53LAUGHTER
18:54Which Tory Grandi has voiced concern over gay marriage?
18:58How's his Norman?
18:59Norman Tebbet.
19:00Norman Tebbet, yes.
19:01He said, what is to stop me marrying my son to avoid inheritance tax?
19:06To which you think, well, probably the fact that you're married to someone already, like your son's mother.
19:11LAUGHTER
19:12And possibly the reaction of your son.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16We are not consummating this!
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19Although it's unusual that he would, he would offer up his own son for marriage,
19:22and without checking if the son was OK with this particular plan.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26If his son is watching, you can do better!
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30APPLAUSE
19:35Who are other Tory Grandis? Baroness Knight, what did she say?
19:38Oh, she tried to be positive, and she said, um, I like a lot of homosexuals, a lot of them are into antiquing.
19:44No, she said they're very good at antiques.
19:46Oh, they're good at antiques?
19:47Yes, very good at things like antiques, that's the, uh, there.
19:49That's not, that's not how it works.
19:51When, when you come out, you don't go, well, I realised I was gay,
19:54when I realised I was obsessed with both types of Chippendale.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:59It saves time, though, doesn't it, if you can combine dogging with a car boot sale.
20:03LAUGHTER
20:04Have you ever seen one of those gay pride marches where they go,
20:06what do we want? Furniture. When do we want it?
20:08A hundred years after it was made.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:11I'd be slightly...
20:12They'd have to root them very carefully, they don't pass through any really good antique shops,
20:15because the whole parade grinds your heart. Oh, that is lovely.
20:19Uh...
20:20Wait, in that photo, just at the left of her,
20:22she seems to be being watched by a wolf.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:29She doesn't want gays at all so she can continue to dominate the drag queen circuit.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:36You can tell me to party in a bit of trouble, aren't they?
20:38Because the average age of their members is 68.
20:41And you're thinking, if they have another winter, like last winter...
20:44..or what's out of the next general election?
20:47LAUGHTER
20:49The, er, why was Britain's Got Talent incorrectly titled this week?
20:52Because of the talent.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:56APPLAUSE
20:58Also, although there being a lack of talent to exempt Jack Carroll,
21:01who's a legend and well done Jack, er...
21:03Oh!
21:04But the, er...
21:05The talent wasn't British.
21:06Yes, the talent was not British.
21:08Imagine that.
21:09I know.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:13Your visa could still run out better, er...
21:16LAUGHTER
21:17As could mine.
21:18Eh, sorry.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20That would be alright.
21:21Yes, it was one of the people who won?
21:23Oh...
21:24Attraction! Attraction! Attraction!
21:25Attraction!
21:26Hungarian, right?
21:27They were Hungarian. Look at these immigrants enjoying themselves.
21:29LAUGHTER
21:30The last thing about, er...
21:31Living off our money here, bloody immigrants on the telly,
21:34taking all of them, er...
21:36Oh, there's a run to me, er...
21:37LAUGHTER
21:38Yeah, they weren't staying.
21:39They did their act.
21:40Interesting, they did their act in Hungary,
21:41and they did it in a German talent show,
21:43and they didn't get past the second round in either of them.
21:45Do you know what the German one was called?
21:46Superdalen!
21:47Das Supertalent!
21:48Yeah, Das Supertalent!
21:49Yeah, Das Supertalent!
21:50Mit Attraction!
21:51Ja, stimmt!
21:52LAUGHTER
21:53Diese Nacht an The Supertalent,
21:55mit der Singers und der Dancer!
21:57LAUGHTER
21:58Und der Funky Time!
22:00LAUGHTER
22:01What event overshadowed the performance?
22:04Oh, it was Simon Cowell being hit by some eggs.
22:07Yes.
22:08It was a shame that they weren't still in the delivery lorry,
22:10wasn't it?
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12Or...
22:13in the chicken.
22:14That would be particularly good
22:15if you meant to egg him via a chicken, er...
22:18Extraordinary, isn't it?
22:19A woman throwing her eggs at Simon Cowell.
22:22That is a great act of optimism.
22:24LAUGHTER
22:25At the end of that round,
22:27the points go to Chris Hew and Milton!
22:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:31Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
22:36so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
22:39I'll read out this week's topics,
22:40and then we'll see what a panelist can come up with.
22:42OK, here we go.
22:44The first subject is...
22:46LAUGHTER
22:47That's me.
22:48Unlikely lines from a cosmetics commercial.
22:52Do you want tighter, smoother skin?
22:54Why not try getting fat?
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57LAUGHTER
23:01For a rich all-over tan,
23:03get into a bath David Dickinson's just got out of.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06LAUGHTER
23:08Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
23:11Feel like a failure?
23:12Think you can't go on?
23:14Then take 200 Nurofen.
23:16That should do the trick.
23:17LAUGHTER
23:18Maybe she's born with it.
23:22Maybe she got it off that guy in Ibiza.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:28Now, Daphne here is wearing a lot of concealer.
23:32Daphne?
23:33LAUGHTER
23:35APPLAUSE
23:37What's my secret?
23:42I murdered my first husband.
23:44LAUGHTER
23:45One thicker full of lips,
23:49then try telling a nightclub bouncer he's a twat to his face.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54APPLAUSE
23:59Clinique.
24:00Because Clinique reminds me of chlamydia and stuff.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:04LAUGHTER
24:06This eyeliner really works.
24:11And it tastes good, too.
24:13LAUGHTER
24:14That's why we call it Chicken Ticker Mascara.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17APPLAUSE
24:19I'm Dean Gaffney.
24:22And I'm worth it.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25LAUGHTER
24:26For the most relaxing bubble bath imaginable,
24:31why not have a little cheeky wank when you're in this?
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35LAUGHTER
24:39Do you dream of longer, fuller lashes?
24:42Then you should try re-evaluating your priorities.
24:45LAUGHTER
24:47LAUGHTER
24:49Sweaty from the tube, frizzy hair from the rain,
24:52black snot, she's got the London look.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:57APPLAUSE
25:00Three steps to a better skin.
25:02No crisps, no chips, no burgers!
25:04Yes.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07APPLAUSE
25:08OK.
25:09The next topic is...
25:11Unlikely things to hear on Doctor Who.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:15When I was giving you a quote as your cleaner doctor,
25:18I was giving you a quote from the outside.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:23LAUGHTER
25:24There isn't going to be a new doctor.
25:29I'm being replaced by a helpline.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:33APPLAUSE
25:34Yeah!
25:35APPLAUSE
25:36That is the last time we park the TARDIS outside the Portaloos at Glastonbury.
25:45LAUGHTER
25:46D'Avros, we meet again.
25:51Oh, Lord Sugar, I'm so sorry.
25:53LAUGHTER
25:55LAUGHTER
25:56Hey.
25:57Saw you from across the TARDIS and I think I regenerated in my pants.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:03Doctor...
26:04Doctor...
26:05Doctor...
26:06You must help me.
26:09I think I'm a pair of curtains.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:13Tragic news about the Ood.
26:14There's been a terrible flu-d.
26:15They tried to escape into the wo-d.
26:16But it didn't do any good.
26:17Another old do-d.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20LAUGHTER
26:21Tragic news about the Ood.
26:25There's been a terrible flu-d.
26:26They tried to escape into the wo-d.
26:28But it didn't do any good.
26:29Another old do-d.
26:31APPLAUSE
26:33No, I'm the doctor who works for the World Health Organization.
26:39LAUGHTER
26:41LAUGHTER
26:42APPLAUSE
26:44Yes, I mainly hang around young women.
26:48Yes, I was on television in the 1970s.
26:50Where are you going with this?
26:51LAUGHTER
26:53You've got to believe me, Clara.
26:57This is our best chance.
26:59Now, unzip my flies and I'll explain later.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:04Let's go forward in time by an hour.
27:08Then we get a quid off the pizza.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:13LAUGHTER
27:14Now, the first thing to remember on planet Xenon
27:18is turn off data roaming.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:23We are ten million years in the future.
27:26H.G. Wells has just got married.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:32You are the doctor.
27:35Or...
27:36I am the tracheotomy patient.
27:38LAUGHTER
27:43LAUGHTER
27:44I am the doctor.
27:45I am 1,200 years old.
27:47And this is my assistant, who's 27.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:50LAUGHTER
27:51LAUGHTER
27:53At the end of that round, the four is going to be Josh,
27:55Patton and Andy.
27:56CHEERING
28:01And that's the end of the show.
28:02This week's winners are Andy Parson, Patton Ryan and Josh Willicom.
28:07CHEERING
28:08Commiserations to Chris Harrison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
28:11CHEERING
28:14I'm Joe O'Brien.
28:16Good night.
28:17APPLAUSE
28:19MUSIC
28:21MUSIC
28:22MUSIC
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