- 6 months ago
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00:01Sorry, Cassandra, I'm a bit out of breath. I've just been doing me physical jerks.
00:05Oi, Gazza. Come here.
00:09Don't you tell her that Rodney's still in bed, sleeping off another hangover, will you?
00:12What'd you take me for?
00:13Give me five minutes and I'll write out a list.
00:17All right, Cassandra. Yeah, I'll tell Rodney you called as soon as he gets up.
00:22I don't believe you.
00:23I mean it. I mean in.
00:26Yeah.
00:27Tell Cassandra I'll phone her later. I've got to get this stuff in the freezer.
00:31Raquel says she'll call you later.
00:33Eh? Oh, yeah, she's all right. She's fine.
00:36I mean, women like being pregnant, don't they?
00:39And how are you feeling? Eh?
00:42Good. Me, I'm all right.
00:44I just joined the over-sixties club down on the estate.
00:47Give me a new lease of life it has. Eh?
00:50Yeah, some women there, but I'm not interested in all that.
00:53No. Like a squirrel ain't interested in nuts.
00:56I used to be a bit of a cast-nob in my younger days.
01:01I could tell you a tale or two, Cassandra.
01:03Yeah.
01:04During the war, I...
01:05Eh?
01:06Some of your front door is there.
01:09Oh, well.
01:10Bye for now, Cassandra.
01:11Bye, love.
01:15Mrs Lane.
01:16Oh, may I call you Dora?
01:18May I have the pleasure of this next dance?
01:20Thank you, Lundy, Lundy, Lundy, Lundy, Lundy.
01:29Oh, my God.
01:30What time do you call this, Robbie?
01:32I call this 11.30, young.
01:34What time do you call it?
01:35Disgusting, young man like you, getting up half past 11 in the morning.
01:39Your brother was up and out of here, 7 o'clock,
01:42and then he come back and took that care of that shopping.
01:44Yeah, well, that's because Del has got a job to go to
01:47and money-earning opportunities.
01:49And he's got a woman in his life.
01:51What have I got, eh?
01:53I've got no job to go to.
01:54I've got no wife to say good morning to.
01:57You might be a bit more chirpy
01:59if you didn't wake up with such a hangover.
02:01I have not got...
02:02I have not got a...
02:04I am fine.
02:07There is nothing wrong with me.
02:09Cassandra phoned just what now you were.
02:11You didn't tell her, did you?
02:12Nah, she just wants your cheque towards her mortgage.
02:18Oh.
02:19Yeah, well, I'll sort that out.
02:24Oh.
02:25Morning.
02:26Oh, good morning.
02:26Morning, Rodney.
02:27Morning.
02:29That reminds me, sweetheart,
02:30the video shop's got Nightmare on Elm Street in.
02:35Elm has just been talking to Cassandra.
02:37She's just wanting to know how I was.
02:39Yeah.
02:39You didn't tell her, did he?
02:40No, he said I was all right.
02:41What do you mean he didn't tell her?
02:43Are you all right, sweetheart?
02:45Yeah.
02:46Yeah, I'm okay.
02:47A bit of backache, that's all.
02:49Happens every time we go out in your van.
02:52Just not very comfortable,
02:53especially in my condition.
02:55I'm all right now.
02:56No, no, listen to me, sweetheart.
02:58I tell...
02:58Look, I'll tell you what.
03:00Look, look.
03:00You leave the shopping.
03:01I will continue with the shopping.
03:03You go in there and sit down.
03:04Go on.
03:04Go on.
03:04It's an order.
03:05Go on.
03:06Aye, aye, sir.
03:07Don't forget to deliver our birthday present.
03:09No, all right.
03:11Whose birthday is it?
03:12It's Boyce's little kid, anyway.
03:14You see, that three-wheel van wasn't designed for a pregnant woman with shopping.
03:18I'll tell you.
03:20I guess she's getting bigger by the day.
03:22She's already been banned from the body shop.
03:25If I could just get that engine to run a bit smoother, I'm sure that would help.
03:28I told you, they stopped making spares for that van years ago.
03:32I've tried everywhere.
03:33Breakers' yards, spare shops, archaeologists.
03:38Archaeologists?
03:40Listen to me, Roddy.
03:42Talking about archaeologists, you look as though you've just been dug up from somewhere.
03:45Why don't you take a leaf out of your uncle's book, eh?
03:47Look, he's in there.
03:48He's just joined the over-sixties club.
03:51He looks like a born-again teddy boy.
03:54You're not suggesting I join the over-sixties club?
03:57No, they wouldn't have you.
03:58You look too old.
04:00There's been another mugging on the estate.
04:02Oh, dear.
04:04You don't want to believe all you read, though, Raquel.
04:06A lot of that's exaggerated, you know.
04:08If I got my hands on them, I'd string them up from the nearest lamppost.
04:11Oh, listen to him, will you?
04:12It's nearly the 21st century.
04:14He still wants to hang them up by the neck.
04:16Who said anything about hanging them up by the neck?
04:19Well, I'd better not try anything on me.
04:22I used to box for the naked.
04:24Will you sit down, you soppy old sod?
04:27We'll have my back-to-do-monty on the floor in a minute.
04:29Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
04:41How can I help you?
04:43Oh, it's you, Marlene.
04:46Yes, I am going out to get Tyler's birthday present in a minute.
04:51Marlene, I'm trying to run a business here.
04:53If you remember, I sell quality used cars.
04:58Do you want me to take that old banger down the scrapyard?
05:00Yes, that was lovely.
05:01Get me coat.
05:04A baby grand?
05:06Well, of course I want him to be cultured,
05:08but for God's sake, Marlene, he's only two.
05:12I don't give a toss what Beethoven could do when he was three.
05:15Tyler should start off in a smaller way.
05:18Yes, yes, all right, Marlene.
05:20Leave it to me.
05:21I'll surprise you.
05:25Where can I get a mouth organ from?
05:31Thank you for calling Boyce Autos and Car Accessories.
05:33How come...
05:34Oh, it's you, dear old boy.
05:35How's your luck?
05:36Couldn't be better, boys.
05:36You couldn't be better.
05:38Business is so good there aren't enough hours in a day.
05:41I'm thinking of taking on extra staff.
05:43Taking on being the operative phrase.
05:45Roddy, are we going to do something useful like go back to bed, son?
05:50Anyway, Boyce, listen, we've got a birthday present for the ankle biter.
05:55Oh, cheers, Del.
05:56Yes, we're going to have a little celebration,
05:58just a few dear and close friends.
06:01I suppose you and your family could come along as well, if you like.
06:05That's very nice of you, Boyce.
06:07Listen, do you reckon that you could get one of your mechanics
06:10to have a look at my van?
06:11I know just the bloke.
06:13He had a family bereavement recently.
06:15He could do with a good lad.
06:18No, sorry, Del.
06:20I just think it's about time you got yourself something more powerful.
06:25Like what?
06:26I don't know.
06:27A food mixer?
06:29Very funny.
06:30Very funny, Boyce, but that little van does everything that I need it to.
06:34Don't worry.
06:34No, no, Del.
06:35Keep the van for business.
06:37I am talking about a second car.
06:39Now, listen, I've been hearing about all this crime that's been occurring on your estate.
06:44Don't you think it's going to be safer for your Raquel to be driving rather than walking?
06:49Yeah, Warris.
06:51Well, that's the point, Boyce.
06:52I'd never thought of that.
06:53Yes, and I mean, a man in your position,
06:56I mean, you need something that's going to reflect your image.
06:58I've got a lovely Skoda out in the showroom.
07:04Two years old.
07:058,000 miles on the clock, genuine.
07:07You can have it for two and a half grand.
07:09Two and a half grand's a little bit out of my price range, Boycey.
07:13What is your price range, Del?
07:15400 quid.
07:17400?
07:17You can't get a walking frame for 400.
07:19Just a moment, Del.
07:23Your luck could be in.
07:25I've got a cracking little sports coupe.
07:27Came in as a part shop on a Honda Prelude.
07:29Beautiful bodywork, sound engine, really nice little runner.
07:32Just needs a bit of a clean-up, that's all.
07:34Now, I was looking for a grand.
07:37But seeing as how it's my son's birthday and you're a mate,
07:40I'll let it go for 400.
07:42Cushty.
07:43I'll pop down and take the butchers at it later, then, Boycey.
07:45You all right?
07:46Right.
07:47Cheers, Del.
07:48All right.
07:48All right, I'm off down and scrap me.
07:50Are these the keys?
07:52There's been a change of playing.
08:04What do you think, Rodney?
08:06I don't know.
08:08She'll be patting me in me hands.
08:10Wee-hey!
08:11Rodney, you'll never guess what.
08:12I only bought a new car.
08:14Gordon Bennett.
08:15Albert, I thought it was Simon Le Bon.
08:20What are you doing?
08:21What are you dressed up like that for?
08:22I'm playing the over-sixties dominoes final down on Ag's Head
08:26against old Knock Knock later.
08:27So you got a new car?
08:29Yes, a cracker.
08:30Raquel's just driven it back.
08:31It's a beauty, isn't it, sweetheart?
08:32Aye?
08:33Yeah.
08:35One cup of tea, love.
08:37Yeah, I need something, Albert.
08:38So, you're a two-car family now, then, eh?
08:41Well, one car, one three-wheel van.
08:43Which is one car and one three-wheel van more than you got or ever likely to have.
08:47Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Derek.
08:49About to be a job in here for me somewhere.
08:52You'll have to come up with a good excuse before you get a job, son.
08:54I mean, how are you going to explain away them ten years when you were Del's partner?
08:59Albert's got a good point, Rodney.
09:00In all of those ten years, you weren't registered for income tax, national insurance or anything.
09:05Your work record shows you left school at 16 and promptly disappeared off the face of the earth.
09:10I've already thought of that.
09:11I'm going to say I was working for a foreign oil company in Saudi Arabia.
09:15What, straight from school?
09:16Oh, one minute you're a milk monitor, the next minute you're a petrochemist.
09:21No, sorry, bruv, that won't wash.
09:23Couldn't you say you've been on safari?
09:24What, for a decade?
09:27I'd just say you got lost.
09:30A friend of mine went out with a guy who'd spent 12 years working for a safari company in Kenya.
09:35Nah, it's stupid, Rackiel.
09:36Well, it's better than your paper-rounding Arabia cobblers, isn't it?
09:40You haven't thought of joining the Navy, Rodney?
09:43Well, funny enough, Unc, no.
09:47Can I join the Navy?
09:49Exactly.
09:50In the old days, you used to take anyone.
09:52I mean, let's face it, they took you.
09:54But nowadays, you've got to have a cot of the qualifications, haven't you?
09:57I mean, what chance has Lawrence of Peckham got, eh?
10:00I don't mean the raw Navy.
10:03I'm talking about the merchant.
10:05Just think of it, Rodney.
10:07Imagine.
10:08Monday, you sail out to Southampton water.
10:11Tuesday, you throw the bay of biscuit.
10:13Wednesday, you round in Cape St. Vincent.
10:16Thursday, you dock in Algiers.
10:18Friday, it's your turn in the barrel.
10:21Right?
10:22There was nothing like that on any of my vessels.
10:27Two funny ones, but nothing like that.
10:31Well, what do you reckon, Rodney?
10:32Yeah, well, if it's all the same to you, Unc, I think I'll take a rain check on this one.
10:35I don't know what you're missing.
10:37Yeah, well, that suits me.
10:39Do you know what I've been thinking?
10:42Try it as independent traders.
10:43It's been going through a period of commercial augmentation, hasn't it?
10:47No, I've been doing all right, Rodney.
10:50I was thinking that things must be getting pretty hectic for you on the old business front, eh?
10:54Oh, yeah.
10:55Oh, straight, Rodney.
10:55It's one power breakfast after another, it is.
10:57Yeah.
10:59Yeah, I suppose it ain't all champagne and back gumming for you yuppies, is it, eh?
11:03I know, as you were saying earlier, you were thinking of taking on more staff.
11:05So, um, well, seeing as I'm temporarily between positions and, uh, if the conditions are acceptable,
11:12I'm willing to work for you.
11:15Hmm.
11:15No way, Pedro.
11:18Look, I've got all the...
11:19No way, Pedro.
11:21I don't need you, Rodders.
11:23Look, I could be very useful to you during this period of growth.
11:26Oh, yeah, oh.
11:27Well, I'm a good salesman.
11:30Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
11:31You couldn't sell a black cat to a witch.
11:33Yeah, but now, now I've got managerial experience.
11:40No.
11:41I could computerise your entire business.
11:45No.
11:46I have got executive qualifications.
11:50No.
11:53Well, can you lend us a fiver, then?
11:55A fiver?
11:56Didn't realise things were that bad, Rodney.
11:58And you want to be my financial advisor.
12:02There can be anything.
12:06Yeah, well, I'm desperate, aren't I?
12:09All right, Rodney, I'll tell you what.
12:10I will give you a job with Trotters Independent Traders PLC.
12:15Fine.
12:15And what wage structure will I have?
12:19Wage structure?
12:20Well, I don't know.
12:20It'd be the same as before, wouldn't it?
12:22Good.
12:24So what was that, then?
12:26What was that?
12:27I mean, if I've got cash on the hip, I'll pay you.
12:29All right.
12:31And what title will I have?
12:33Well, we'll call you Lord Rodney.
12:35I meant company title.
12:40See, I was thinking you could call me your director of commercial development.
12:44Yes, yes, all right.
12:46No, that sounds very good to me, yeah.
12:48All right, then, so.
12:50As it says in the Bible, clothes maketh the man.
12:53So I want you to whip round your flat a bit lively.
12:56What, and pick up my best soap?
12:57No, pick up your car cleaning gear.
13:02What do you reckon?
13:05How much do you reckon I paid Boycey for it?
13:12What, he charged you?
13:14I stole it off him, Rodders.
13:16400 knicker.
13:18Yeah.
13:20It's a peach.
13:21It handles like Maradona.
13:24Oh, Del, look at her paint work.
13:26It's got no shine to it.
13:27By the time I finished, it'll look brand new.
13:31Oh, er, Rodney.
13:35Listen, I've been, er, I've been meaning to ask you something.
13:40And look, it's a little bit embarrassing.
13:42So, er...
13:44I ain't cleaning it.
13:45You bloody well are.
13:46Oh, no.
13:48The days when I used to do all your dirty work are long gone.
13:51I used to run my own computer section, Del.
13:54I was an executive.
13:55And now you're cleaning my Capri gear.
13:57Now, you seem to forget, Rodney, that you are my employee.
14:02Since you left Cassandra and your job,
14:05you've been eating and sleeping in my flat for Nick's.
14:09Now, if you want to hand in your resignation, that is all right by me.
14:12I'll help you find a little bed set.
14:14I'll even give you a little leave-in present.
14:17A paraffin eater and a mousetrap.
14:18All right, I'll clean it.
14:22Are you quite sure about that?
14:24Yes.
14:27Thank you very much.
14:29I'm most grateful.
14:33Look at that lot over there.
14:35Looks like the Tepty Tea folks day out, doesn't it?
14:39Albert's looking very smart.
14:41He must be after one of the ladies.
14:44I wonder if it's old Lil with the airy walk.
14:46Or is it the willow manky, her with the disposable teeth?
14:50You should have more respect, Mike.
14:52Those women went through a war for us.
14:53Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.
14:58It'd be lovely if Albert could meet some nice old lady to keep him tumbling.
15:04Do you know who he's after?
15:05Yeah, your mum.
15:08My mum?
15:09Yeah, that's right.
15:10Him and his mate are after sorting her out, look.
15:12It's fine not having this.
15:14No.
15:14But if your mum plays her cards, right?
15:17Mum?
15:18I don't have a word with you.
15:20Yeah, all right, Molly.
15:21Talk to you in a minute.
15:22Can I get you a drink, Dora?
15:24You don't mind me calling you Dora, do you Dora?
15:26Of course I don't mind, Albert.
15:29I just got Dora a drink.
15:32Why'd you let Not-Not get you a drink?
15:34It was my turn.
15:35You can buy me a drink in a minute.
15:37Yeah, all right.
15:39How'd a kid's birthday party go, boys?
15:41Oh, it was very successful, thank you, Trigger.
15:43All the right people were there.
15:44And Del and Albert turned up.
15:48Thank you very much, boysie.
15:49Now he's gone.
15:51Who's for another one, then?
15:52All right?
15:52Come around.
15:55Yeah, Mike.
15:55Yeah, Mike.
15:56Give me a minute.
15:58Them over by the jukebox.
16:00The morons from outer space.
16:01Who are they?
16:02I don't know, Del.
16:03They've been using the pub for about two weeks now.
16:05Yeah, I know.
16:06I didn't think they were regulars.
16:07Like I say, I don't know nothing about.
16:09I think they're friends of the old mongrels down there.
16:13Here, Ollie.
16:14Ollie, just a minute.
16:15Come here, son, will you?
16:16Would you like Del?
16:16Yeah, listen.
16:17See that gang over there by the jukebox?
16:20Do you know anything about them?
16:20They started coming in here about a fortnight ago.
16:23Oh.
16:24Have they been hanging around the estate, like, at night?
16:27Yeah, a couple of times.
16:28Do you want me and the boys to beat them up?
16:29No, no, no, no.
16:31Wait.
16:32I don't want no trouble in this club.
16:33What are you drinking, Albert?
16:35I'll have a large navy rum beer.
16:39Puts lead in your pencil.
16:44Well, there's a thing.
16:45Get on Knock Knock and drink, will ya?
16:47I'll have a pint of Audrey, dear.
16:50Hey, Albert.
16:51Why do they call him Knock Knock?
16:53Because he's a very bad dominoes player.
16:56I'm a bad player than you, Trotter.
16:57Why? You've never beaten me a dominoes in all your life.
17:00I could beat you out of anything.
17:01Even when I was at school, I could beat you out of anything.
17:04Oh, come on, boys.
17:05Calm down.
17:06Stop acting like grown-ups.
17:09I had a laugh to myself tonight, now.
17:11Did you drink?
17:12Yeah.
17:13Why, something happened?
17:15Yeah, I was walking across the estate, past the garage block.
17:19It was half past seven at night, pitch black.
17:22And there was Dave, polishing an old banger.
17:26Well, it takes.
17:27Oh, my God.
17:29I've forgotten all about my director of commercial management.
17:32What?
17:32You've left him cleaning your car at night?
17:34Yeah, well, I've forgotten he worked for me.
17:38What's old Albert and Knock Knock playing at?
17:40I don't know.
17:40It looks like Ninja Dominoes.
17:42What are you drinking, Boisey?
17:44Give him a large navy run.
17:46Look at my clothes.
17:52Well, I told you to wear your car cleaning gear, didn't I?
17:55Look, a director of commercial development does not wear stonewashed wranglers and Doc Martins.
18:00He does when he's cleaning the governor's capery gear.
18:03And I've got a sore figure in my eye.
18:04Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.
18:07Yes.
18:07That's where my hand went straight through the bodywork.
18:10Look at that.
18:11Bleeding, see?
18:12That's blood.
18:13You got him blasters, mate.
18:14Yeah, give him a bl...
18:15What do you mean your hand went straight through the bodywork?
18:17There's a big rust hole in the wing.
18:19Boisey's blokes had filled it full of newspaper and filler, then sprayed over it.
18:23That is slanderous, Rodney.
18:25That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle.
18:28They were yesterday's newspapers.
18:32Were they really?
18:34Now, you took that car a scene, Dale.
18:36I don't owe you no favours.
18:38That's a bit unfair, Boisey.
18:40What about that 36-piece tea service he sold Marlene last month?
18:43Oh, yeah, that came in very handy.
18:45I gave it to the Boy Scouts' fete for their rifle range.
18:47But that was genuine Dresden.
18:49Yeah, genuine antique Dresden.
18:51And it was guaranteed dishwasher-proof.
18:57I can't believe him sometimes.
19:00I don't know how you can ask me, with my executive qualifications,
19:03to go round the garage block and clean the Pratt-mobile.
19:07You let Dale here, you call it that.
19:09Yeah, and what about that very important client I had come over from Belgium?
19:13I wanted two tickets for Wimbledon, so I could impress him.
19:15You said, leave it to me, boy.
19:17See, I've got a contact at Wimbledon.
19:19Well, I got you two tickets, didn't I?
19:21That's right.
19:21They drew nil-nil with Ipswich.
19:23That makes us even.
19:25No way, Pedro.
19:28I'll see you later, Dale.
19:29I'll go and meet you.
19:30Yeah, all right.
19:31What would you like, Dora?
19:33How about a large snowball?
19:34Oh, lovely.
19:36Mike?
19:38Large snowball for Dora.
19:39Oh, ah, that's better.
19:47All right, sweetheart?
19:49Yeah, I'm fine now.
19:50Oh, cushy.
19:51Oh, I'll pick up me Capri gear in the morning
19:54and I'll get me director of commercial development
19:56to drive the van back.
19:59Dale, I don't want to nag.
20:01Good, I'll put a record on.
20:02Can we afford to splash out 400 pounds on another car?
20:07I mean, do we really need another car?
20:09Yes, we do.
20:11You see, the reason why I thought...
20:12Look, just because the van gives me back eight
20:14was no reason for you to buy another car.
20:16No, I know, but if you listen, you see, there is a very...
20:18It's a waste of money.
20:19You do realise we've got a baby on the way, don't you?
20:21Yes, yes, I do.
20:22Little things do remind me.
20:24You just shut up and listen for a minute, I'll explain.
20:27Look, it's a very dangerous world out there, Raquel,
20:29and I don't want you walking down to the shops or the laundrette.
20:32I want you to drive.
20:34That way you'll be safe and sound.
20:35Now, do you understand what I'm saying?
20:37Is that why you bought it?
20:39Yes.
20:40Oh, aren't you lovely?
20:42Yes.
20:44Lovely chocolate.
20:46Do you?
20:48Well, you're only human, aren't you?
20:49Fancy a cup of tea?
21:03Del, it's Albert.
21:05What about Albert?
21:06There's no need to panic, all right?
21:08What's happened to Albert?
21:09He's been mugged.
21:10He's been what?
21:11Does he hurt?
21:11Well, I don't know, but he has got double vision.
21:14Where's this happen, Rodney?
21:15In his eyes.
21:16Oh, no, no, sorry, yeah.
21:21As he was walking home from the pub,
21:22I was just coming back from Jevons,
21:24I saw this ambulance there,
21:25this big crowd of people around there.
21:26Did he recognise anyone?
21:27No.
21:27All he knows is there was four of them.
21:29Well, look, they got him down to the hospital.
21:30Come on, let's go.
21:31All right, all right, you stay there.
21:32All right, sweetheart, you don't worry.
21:34Listen, we'll sort it out.
21:35All right.
21:39You dick stick, Rodney.
21:42He's just going to put some clothes on
21:44and then we'll go.
21:46I said he might be suffering from shock for a few days.
21:53Yeah.
21:54You just wait till I get my hands on the bastards what did it.
21:57Then you'll see what a state of shock really looks like.
21:59Now, you stay out of it.
22:00The police can handle this perfectly well on their own.
22:02No, I don't need the old bill.
22:05People in this area are used to sorting their own problems out.
22:09It's traditional.
22:09You know, I remember once when I was, well, about ten years old,
22:14Mum had some of her jewellery nicked by this good-looking Italian bloke.
22:17Well, he wasn't good-looking after my dad had finished with him.
22:19Well, how could he be certain he was guilty?
22:23Because of the evidence, Rodney, the evidence.
22:25Dad found one of Mum's earrings on the back seat of this bloke's car.
22:29Oh, it's all right, Mum.
22:34It's all right.
22:35Just the door.
22:36Stay there.
22:36It's all right.
22:37Calm down.
22:37Calm down.
22:42Hi.
22:43Oh.
22:44Hi.
22:46Just came round to see how Albert was.
22:48Yeah, well, he's, uh, he's not too good at the moment.
22:52Well, come in.
22:53Hi.
22:56Oh, hello, Cassandra.
22:58I heard what happened to Albert.
23:00How is he?
23:01Well, he looks bloody horrible, doesn't he?
23:03Well, they stole his watch, his wallet, everything.
23:04I know.
23:06How are you feeling, Albert?
23:07I'm a bit bruised, dear.
23:09I was jumped on by five of them.
23:11Yes, all right.
23:11Well, you just keep five of them.
23:14I thought it was...
23:15Never mind, never mind, never mind.
23:19Rodney, why don't you make Cassandra a nice cup of coffee?
23:22Hmm?
23:23In the kitchen.
23:26Eh?
23:28In the kitchen.
23:30Oh, yeah.
23:32Should I make a cup of coffee?
23:39Après moi, la deluge.
23:42Don't say in the Latin quarter.
23:49So, you're working for Del again?
23:52Yeah, yeah.
23:52Yeah, it wasn't an easy decision.
23:54I've had loads of offers from local companies.
23:57Well, you know what these headhunters are like.
24:00Well, no, not really.
24:01Del's asked me to be his director of commercial development, you know.
24:05Seek out new openings, find gaps in the market.
24:07And if a gap doesn't exist, create one?
24:10Yeah, yeah.
24:10That sort of thing, yeah.
24:11So I thought, well, that'll do me.
24:13Lovely jubbly.
24:14Huh?
24:15Well, I tell you, it is pressure all the way.
24:18I am never off that phone.
24:20Oh, you've cut your finger.
24:21Eh?
24:22Yeah.
24:22Del got me to clean his car yesterday, in the app.
24:25Yeah, well, I just did it as a favour, you know.
24:28I don't know if you've noticed his new car parked downstairs.
24:31The green Pratt-mobile.
24:34Does he know you call it that?
24:35No.
24:36I don't think he'd be too pleased.
24:38So, things are going well?
24:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:44We're into property development now, theatre.
24:47Toilet rolls?
24:49Yeah, well, that's just the direct retail sales branch of the company, you know.
24:53We've got our contact in the city.
24:55What, the White City?
24:58There's no need to laugh at us, Cass.
25:01I'm not laughing at you, Rodney.
25:02I'm just trying to break the ice.
25:04Oh.
25:04So, how's our flat?
25:09Much the same as when you left it.
25:11Wish I could say the same about you.
25:13And what's that mean?
25:15You've changed.
25:16You're getting more like Del.
25:18You're full of front and bullshit, Roddy.
25:21Look, you're even wearing the same clothes as Del.
25:23These suits happen to be a new line we're selling, that's all.
25:28These are Romanian.
25:30You're just wearing to let the punters know what they look like.
25:33Do you think that's why?
25:35We do know our market, Cassandra.
25:38And I'm not getting like Del.
25:40You are, Rodney.
25:41Look, you're even wearing a Del Boy starter kit.
25:45Del told me to wear this because we're...
25:48Look, understand one thing, Cass.
25:50I'm not getting like Del.
25:52No way, Pedro.
25:54No way, Pedro.
25:55Look, I am very busy, Cassandra.
26:00Yeah.
26:01Well, I'll see you, Rodney.
26:03No, I didn't mean it like that.
26:04Goodbye.
26:05Look, I'll give you a bell during a...
26:07It's all right, all right.
26:15It's only me.
26:16I was just putting the security chain on.
26:18No one can get in.
26:18You're safe now.
26:19You all right?
26:21Yeah, I'm all right, son.
26:22What are you doing in that?
26:23I'm just looking in my old box.
26:25Hmm.
26:26See that?
26:27What's that?
26:28That's where I was born.
26:29Tobacco Road.
26:30Oh.
26:31Yeah, down by the docks.
26:32Yeah, that's right.
26:33Look, that's where he was born, sweetheart, look.
26:35Oh.
26:36See that there?
26:37That's the front of Tobacco Road.
26:39There's your nan.
26:40There's your granddad.
26:41He just joined the army doing his bit for king and country.
26:44Oh, yeah.
26:46Why's he got a vest and plimp soles on?
26:48Oh, he just deserted.
26:51Albert, tomorrow, would you like us to take you back to where you were born?
26:56No, I ain't there any more, dear.
26:58I knocked it down.
26:59Oh, that film you want to see is coming on in a minute.
27:03Oh, thanks.
27:04Hey, what film's that, then?
27:05Out of Africa.
27:06Oh, not another documentary about AIDS, is it?
27:10No, it's a film with Robert Redford.
27:12You don't ever tell me about the time I was in Africa?
27:15Yeah, thousands of times.
27:16No.
27:17Why?
27:18What happened, Albert?
27:19Oh, well, during the war...
27:22During the war, I was on this hospital ship.
27:24We'd just picked up some of the wounded from Monty's North African campaign.
27:28We dropped them off in Durban.
27:31Yeah, I helped some of the lads off the ship.
27:34Tragic to see some of them.
27:36Bloody tragic.
27:38I cried for them.
27:40Daft, eh?
27:41No.
27:42There's nothing to be ashamed of.
27:44I cried when me mum died.
27:47Yeah, but you were only 16.
27:49I was a full-grown man.
27:50Yeah, well, I shed a tear or two, didn't I,
27:53when Rodney got married and left home?
27:56Cried even more when he came back.
27:57Most frightening thing in all my life happened while I was in Africa.
28:03We docked in Durban and a couple of black blokes came out.
28:06It was nice because me and my mates wanted to go and see the jungle.
28:10We jumped at a chance.
28:11Well, you like that when you're young, ain't you?
28:13Yeah, well, we've all done it, haven't we?
28:15Yeah, so we got up on this open lorry and went off and after about two hours the undergrowth got thicker and thicker, deep in the heart of the jungle.
28:25Anyway, somehow or another I got cut off from the rest of the party and I found myself in this clearing.
28:31I just started to retrace my steps when I heard a noise.
28:37I looked round and standing there was the biggest lion I've ever seen.
28:43Oh, well, you need all that, don't you?
28:45I looked at him, he looked at me, we just stood there looking at each other, when suddenly he went,
28:56ROAR!
28:58What's happening?
29:01Are you all right?
29:01Are you all right?
29:02Oh, yeah.
29:05I did a very childish thing.
29:10I wet myself.
29:14Poor grown man, I wet myself.
29:18It's all right, all right, honk.
29:20Nothing to be ashamed of.
29:23Any bloke would have done the same thing, coming face to face with a man eating lion.
29:29I don't mean when I was in the jungle, I meant now, when I went,
29:33ROAR!
29:40I don't believe it.
29:49Oh, long.
29:52I've gone.
29:52Yes, gone.
29:53You've got a change of clothes in the airing cupboard.
29:56All right?
29:57Yeah.
29:58How's Albert?
29:59Well, he's not his old self.
30:01Huh?
30:02Oh, good.
30:03What do you mean, good?
30:04No, it's just a joke.
30:05I bloody well hope it was and all.
30:06Yeah, all right, we'll keep you there, right?
30:08No, no, no.
30:13What?
30:14Oh, nothing, nothing.
30:15No, sorry, no.
30:29So, he's no burdening?
30:32No.
30:34No, he hasn't been out for ages.
30:35The doctor said he should try to get back to a normal life, you know.
30:38Yeah, that's right, I was there.
30:40Hmm.
30:41You know, I reckon the...
30:42I reckon the problem is, right, you're being very kind and considerate, aren't you?
30:49I mean, you're being patient, understanding.
30:52Oh, yeah.
30:54Well, that's not normal, is it?
30:56What do you want?
30:57A doughboy around here, old Rodney?
30:58Ah, no, you see, that's normal.
31:00Do you see what I'm getting at?
31:02Well, it's flat, right?
31:02It's all hurly-burly, people shouting and arguing at each other, isn't it?
31:06I mean, we don't mean any harm, it's just the way we are.
31:09But now, we're treating Albert with kid gloves.
31:12Now, if it goes on much longer, he'll start using that as the norm.
31:16And then when we go back to the real normality, he'll go back into shock again.
31:20So, you reckon we ought to toughen up on him?
31:22Well, I mean, gently, gently approach ain't worked, has it?
31:25I can't be hard on him, Rodney.
31:27No, well, I mean, nor can I, but...
31:30We'd be doing it for him, wouldn't we?
31:35Otherwise, Dale, believe me, he's going to take root in this flat.
31:39Yeah, maybe.
31:41Well, here you are, huh?
31:44No, no, no, no, son.
31:45I'll sit over there.
31:46All right.
31:47All right, if I have a bandy, Dale.
31:50Yeah, it's all right, I'll get you.
31:52No, no, no, no, it's all right, you know where it is.
31:54Go on, help yourself.
31:55Yeah.
31:57Well, we have got a very, very busy day ahead of us tomorrow, Dale.
32:02Oh, yes, yes, yes, we have, haven't we, Rodney?
32:04That's right, yes, so we won't have any time to go down to Packies and get any shopping, will we?
32:07No.
32:08And we can't expect Raquel to do it, can we?
32:10Not in her condition.
32:11No, certainly can't.
32:13So, what are we going to do then, eh?
32:18Well, we'll have to send Albert down to the shops.
32:21Albert, you'll have to go down to the shops.
32:23I can't go out there, Dale.
32:25Yes, you can.
32:26I don't feel really up to it yet, Dale.
32:28Wait.
32:29You go down there and get them fish fingers.
32:33You listen to me.
32:35Rodney and I are very busy at the moment, because Trotter's independent traders are going through
32:39a phase of commercial augmentation, right?
32:43And what with Raquel dropping her chavvy.
32:48I mean, we don't want any lame ducks, right?
32:51Because you're getting under our feet.
32:53You understand what I'm talking about?
32:54So, you better get up and get out, because you're no good to us the way you are.
32:57All right?
33:04Yeah.
33:06I understand, Dale.
33:11I understand.
33:14Good night, boys.
33:14That was a bit hard, wasn't it?
33:26A bit hard?
33:27You just told me they should toughen up on him, didn't you?
33:29I'm just saying, you know.
33:31He was a bit tougher than I expected, that's all.
33:37Comfortable in that chair, wasn't he?
33:40Yeah?
33:41Oh.
33:41Just take this in to Uncle Albert, and then I'll do your muesli.
33:56Oh, lovely jubbly.
34:00Oh, look.
34:01All these other ones say the same thing.
34:03Albert Trotter lost its son.
34:05Oh, he's gone.
34:06Gone?
34:07Where's he gone?
34:07Well, he's not there.
34:08He's left a note.
34:09I won't get under your feet any longer.
34:12Your loving uncle, Albert.
34:14What is he there?
34:18That's because of what you said last night.
34:20Because of what I said?
34:21I didn't want to say anything until you told me to say something.
34:23Now, don't you blame me, Derek.
34:25I was only trying to get him out of his flat and back on his feet.
34:27I am not blaming anyone.
34:28Will you two stop arguing?
34:29Go and find him.
34:31Well, where's he gone?
34:32I don't know.
34:32Go and look.
34:33Oh, she's right.
34:34Come on, let's go.
34:35Um, I'll take the van.
34:36You take the Pratmobile.
34:37Yes.
34:37What do you mean, Pratmobile?
34:52We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
34:59We're so sorry if we caused you any pain.
35:05We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
35:11But there's no one left at home, and I believe I'm going to lay.
35:18We're so sorry, but we haven't had a thing.
35:46All day, we're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
35:53But if anything should happen, we'll be sure to give a ring.
36:01Hello.
36:11No, Rodney, no, no luck at this then.
36:14How about you?
36:15We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
36:16We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
36:17We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
36:22We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
36:23We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
36:24We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
36:28But we haven't done a bloody single deal here.
36:32We're so sorry, Uncle Albert.
36:37I don't know.
36:38No, I don't know.
36:40But the kettle's on the boil, and we're so easily going away.
36:44And there's an easy-going way.
37:14And there's an easy-going way.
37:44It's all right, hunk.
37:49What are you two doing here?
37:52We were worried about you, silly old git.
37:55We've been looking all over London for you.
37:58We found your note.
38:00How did you know I'd be here?
38:02Just a guess, really.
38:05You were born around here, weren't you?
38:07Yeah, Tobacco Road.
38:10My house was somewhere around here.
38:17What's this all about, then, eh?
38:20Running away from home at your age.
38:22A lot of things been going through my mind lately, Del.
38:26I didn't know if I was coming or going.
38:30I feel I let the family down.
38:33I let you two down.
38:36Oh.
38:37Don't be so bloody daft.
38:40You didn't let anybody down.
38:42I needed to be alone for a while.
38:45But where were you gonna go?
38:48I hadn't given it much thought, Ronnie.
38:52I didn't realize things had changed so much, I...
38:55When I first left home, I was about 15, I...
38:59Just come down here and got a job on a tramp steamer.
39:03Life seemed easier then.
39:06Well, things ain't all that much different now, but...
39:11You can always come home.
39:14To your family.
39:17Thanks, sir.
39:18Come on, then, let's go.
39:20You know...
39:22Once upon a time, ships from all over the world used to sail in here.
39:27The water used to be covered with a film of oil.
39:30And when the sun shone on it...
39:33It sparkled.
39:35Of all different colours.
39:38When I was a kid, I used to think rainbows lived in the water.
39:44So you was a bit of a divvy in them days and all, were you?
39:48Oi.
39:50Oh, sorry.
39:52There were tugs nudging freighters into position.
39:57Cranes lifting out timber from Canada.
39:59Bananas from Jamaica.
40:02The pubs and the cafes, they were filled with sailors from a hundred countries.
40:09By the time I was seven, I could swear in ten different languages.
40:13Hmm.
40:14There used to be streets all around here.
40:17Loads of two-up-and-two-down houses.
40:20Doctors' mansions, they called them.
40:24Ragamuffins kicking footballs up against the wall.
40:27Women used to come out and chase us away with their brooms.
40:30Ha, ha, ha, ha.
40:32Yeah.
40:34They were rough people.
40:37They were good people.
40:39During the Blitz, some of them painted a sign on the roof of a warehouse.
40:44So that the Luftwaffe pilots could see it.
40:47They said,
40:48Dear Adolf, you can break hard windows,
40:55but not our hearts.
40:56Look at what I've done to it now.
41:06Yeah.
41:08It's terrific, isn't it?
41:10Terrific.
41:13Yeah.
41:14I mean, do you know how much some of these drums are worth, Rodney?
41:17I'll tell you how much they're worth.
41:18They're worth an arm and a leg.
41:20You know, Lord Lindley's got one of these.
41:23And Michael Caine.
41:24Oh, yeah.
41:27Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it, eh?
41:31I could do with a bit of this.
41:33No, I could see myself with a nice little black Porsche parked outside,
41:37with the old windsurfer strapped to the roof rack.
41:42And have a few friends down, you know, from the city,
41:44and we'll have a private party in the pub yonder.
41:47Poff a few glasses of the old Moet.
41:50Because I'm a champagne and liver sausage sandwich man.
41:55Then we'll watch the old current bun go down,
41:58behind the Docklands Arena.
42:01Oh, yeah.
42:03Paradise.
42:05After a few years, when the old property prices start to rocket,
42:11we'll knock it out of some rich Arab for twice the purchase price.
42:14Lovely jubbly.
42:21You all right, Albert?
42:22I'm all right, love.
42:23You didn't have to go running off like that.
42:26Del didn't mean anything.
42:27I know, he explained it to me.
42:31It's just that I felt like a failure.
42:35I'm not a coward, Raquel.
42:37There was nothing I could do.
42:38There were six of them.
42:39I know.
42:43Albert, nobody thinks you're six of them.
42:47All right.
42:49Where's Rodney?
42:50Went out for a drink again.
42:53Well, that explains it.
42:54I met a couple of winos this afternoon.
42:56Drunk as newts they were.
42:58Said they were celebrating St. Rodney's Day.
43:02I hope he hasn't gone to the Nag's head.
43:04Why?
43:04What's happening down there tonight?
43:05Nothing.
43:06I just hope he hasn't gone down to the Nag's head.
43:15Is that the bell, Del?
43:16Yes.
43:17Yeah.
43:19No.
43:20You get it, will you?
43:21I'm busy.
43:22Raquel?
43:23No, Raquel can't go.
43:24She's busy and all.
43:25You answer it.
43:26Me?
43:27Mm.
43:28You.
43:29Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of, is there?
43:31I'm here, aren't I?
43:32You're going to have to answer the door sometime or another.
43:34It might as well be now.
43:35It might as well be now.
43:36It might as well be now.
43:37Albert, answer the door.
43:46Who's there?
43:46Knock, knock.
43:53It's Knock, Knock.
43:54Oh, is it?
43:58I can't see him, Del.
43:59Of course you can't see him.
44:00You haven't opened the door yet.
44:02I don't want to see him.
44:03I can't face it, Del.
44:04Oh, come on, all right.
44:06All right.
44:06Look, I'll go, I'll go.
44:08You can talk to Knock, Knock, Albert.
44:10He's your friend.
44:11I don't want to talk to him, not at the moment.
44:13But he's most probably come to see how you are.
44:15I might even have bought you a bunch of grapes.
44:17No, I'm not feeling all that well.
44:21I think I'll go to my room.
44:23Oi!
44:24You stay right where you are.
44:26Yes, that was Knock, Knock.
44:30Yes, that was Knock, Knock.
44:32And look, he brought this back for you.
44:34That was a bit of luck, wasn't it?
44:36Oh, it's your pocket watch, Albert.
44:38Where's he got it from?
44:39He found it under the bushes on that patch of grass near the swings.
44:42What, where Albert was mugged last week?
44:44No, where Albert and Knock,
44:46Knock, whilst walking home from the pub last week, had a fight.
44:52He had a fight?
44:53Yes, over Marlene's mum.
44:57And Knock, Knock knocked him out.
45:00You never were mugged, were you, you lying old git?
45:04What about his money that went missing?
45:06Well, he lost it all, didn't he?
45:08At Domino's to Knock, Knock.
45:10Oh, Albert.
45:13I didn't know what to say.
45:14I felt silly losing to a man three years older than myself.
45:18He kept saying he was bettering me at everything.
45:21So I squared up to him and he hit me.
45:24You realise the problems that you've put us to?
45:27I mean, the police have been out there making investigations.
45:29I've been running around looking for five muggers.
45:32Six.
45:32Six?
45:33Oh, it's six now, is it?
45:35Any more offers?
45:36I was embarrassed.
45:38Once I said it, I couldn't go back.
45:40Oh, Del, you should have been down and that's it.
45:44It was a punch-up to end all punch-ups.
45:47Well, what happened then?
45:48Well, that gang of skinheads was in there, right?
45:50The ones that Del said had mugged Albert.
45:52Anyway, you know Oily Olly, the greaser, right?
45:54His gang's come in.
45:55They've only attacked the skinheads.
45:57God, there was blood up the wall.
45:58There was grease on the ceiling.
46:00Olly and his boys took a right hammer in.
46:03Well, it turns out them skinheads ain't skinheads at all.
46:05They're coppers.
46:08They're what?
46:08They're undercover policemen.
46:10They was put on the estate a couple of weeks back
46:12when the mugging started.
46:13Oh, no, my God.
46:17What's up, Del?
46:19Well, anyone, anyone would have done the same thing,
46:21wouldn't they, eh?
46:22You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?
46:27Well, I wanted to get revenge for that dozy old twonk.
46:30So I sort of, I gave Olly a hundred quid to sort it out.
46:35Oh, for God's sake!
46:37This baby will be born premature if I hang around you much longer.
46:41Yeah, well, be fair, sweetheart.
46:42They looked like muggers, didn't they?
46:44Well, when Oliver and his army get out of hospital,
46:47I've got a fair idea where their first port of call's gonna be.
46:50And me too.
46:53They better not try anything when we're around.
46:56I was Royal Navy Boxing Champion.
46:58I'm gonna kill him!
46:59I am!
46:59I'm gonna kill him!
47:00No, no, no, no!
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