- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00what's this it's for billy oh a reward for climbing all those stairs
00:10maybe i'll just go home oh my god it's the crib
00:21okay let me get that dude a little help it's not carrying my baby yet
00:31oh my god this is so exciting the baby's gonna live in this crib for the first two years of his
00:40life it's gonna look so cute when we put it all together
00:44okay it looks good here for now
00:50and there it sat they ignored the box oh no the box got a lot of attentions
00:59oh you're all out of soda better go downstairs to get some more
01:05i should have seen it coming after you did it to the ups guy
01:17dude this box is totally worth four hundred dollars
01:21do you think he ignored it to make some sort of a statement
01:27no i think he was genuinely having fun with the box that's as deep as it gets
01:31well why don't i just come over today and help you put the crib together
01:36no no he'll get to it that's one of the perks of having a boyfriend
01:39why don't you manipulate zach that's what i do with nick
01:42he won't even realize you're doing it it's like killing someone with carbon monoxide
01:47they don't know what's happening it's just smile smile smile dead
01:52smile smile smile you're freaking me out
01:58oh hello boys oh air kiss
02:01so why did you want us to meet you at a gay bar
02:06this is a gay bar you'll find out in a second now go and order us another drink
02:12all right push your rail up
02:16excuse me hold on mary i'll be with you in a second
02:20ta-da
02:22oh my god thank you
02:30oh my god i just realized i'm working in a gay bar
02:37it's nine o'clock you know what that means
02:41are you are you covered in baby oil
02:49it's pam
02:51a little rouge around the nipples
02:54now we know i don't have a camera
03:02i can't be anything without you
03:11dude you gotta like lift some weights or something
03:21because compared to these other guys you look like you're melting
03:23okay be cool please do not blow this for me these people think i'm gay
03:28why do they think that
03:29because i told them i was gay
03:31you don't have to be gay to work in a gay bar
03:34i know that now
03:37look my rent went up i need the extra cash and the tips are amazing here
03:42and i'm good with anything up to second base
03:45excuse me
03:47needs to make me feel better juice over here
03:50i hope for your sake he's talking about a drink
03:53coming to rome
03:57i love this place how come we don't come here all the time
04:01i do i come here with my gay friends once a week
04:03i couldn't look like this without them
04:06fuck me you should have seen me before
04:08if you're not scottish you're a complete disaster
04:16i am scottish
04:18and there's still a little hope for you
04:20so you met a gay guy in the street and that's how you became so fashionable
04:26oh yeah
04:27before she met trent she looked like a baked potato in a kilt
04:30don't take pity on me
04:33i want a gay friend
04:34i found out at work they call me drabby abby
04:37and sometimes when we go late they call me crabby drabby abby
04:42and when it's that time of the month and i'm bloated
04:44oh wait let me guess
04:45flabby
04:46yes flabby crabby drabby abby
04:48i don't understand
04:50i mean look at this cute little sweater set i got at the silent auction at my church
04:54maybe a little gay couldn't hurt
04:59biller
05:14notice anything different about the living room
05:19no why what would be different
05:22come on admit it it was bothering you that i left the crib in the middle of the living room
05:26no i thought it was delightful
05:29okay
05:30well i took care of it
05:33wow
05:37you moved the box
05:40yep
05:41moved it all by myself
05:43need a little back rub later
05:45oh that's so what i want to do to you
05:49so this baby's coming we're getting close huh
05:55yep
05:56you weigh a lot
05:58you think we're ready
06:08you think everything's ready
06:10i guess so
06:11would you dig in there
06:13when i turned the corner of the nursery
06:14i think i really pulled something
06:15frisbee injury
06:16yeah
06:20i guess the nursery's not quite there yet
06:24but what's the difference really
06:25i mean the baby's probably just gonna be sleeping with us right
06:28uh-huh
06:29what
06:31well yeah if you don't get a baby in a crib pretty early
06:36it sort of gets used to sleeping in the bed
06:38oh okay whoa whoa whoa whoa
06:40you mean
06:40in in this bed
06:42in uh
06:43in our bed
06:44with us
06:45yeah
06:48i mean a lot of people do a family bed
06:50you know where the kid just sleeps with the parents
06:51for how long
06:54i don't know it could be years
06:57oh
07:01oh
07:04oh
07:06oh
07:06oh
07:10oh
07:12oh
07:12oh
07:23oh
07:23You know what we got to do?
07:33We got to get that crib together.
07:38Smile, smile, smile.
07:40Dead.
07:45Am I a terrible person for manipulating him?
07:48No.
07:49Oh, good, because I was fantastic at it.
07:51Abby, manipulation is one of the best tools
07:54in the lady toolbox, along with a vagina.
08:00Oh, Abby, I have got a surprise for you.
08:02Really? What?
08:03Hi, I'm Bob.
08:06Is this my...
08:07Mm-hmm.
08:07Oh, my God, you're gay.
08:09Oh, he sure is.
08:11Bob, this is Abby.
08:12Abby, this is Bob.
08:14Now, Bob is a Scorpio.
08:15He has a ferret named George Clooney.
08:17And he makes him in French onion soup, so you can tell.
08:20The secret's to Melty Gruguer with a little baby torch.
08:23I feel like my life is changing already.
08:30So, anyway, Larry, the ex, still has some stuff at my house.
08:33He wants to come by and pick it up.
08:35So should I not be there, or should I be there completely naked?
08:41Jerome, Jerome, Jerome.
08:43I hate seeing you on this emotional rollercoaster.
08:45I mean, you're better than Larry.
08:47You deserve more than a bodybuilder just trying to get his green card.
08:52I loved his laugh, his tofu scramble,
08:54the way that he would carry me from room to room.
09:01Listen, mister, you are a gorgeous hunk of man, okay?
09:04And there isn't a guy in here who doesn't want a big hot slice of Jerome.
09:07There isn't?
09:09No.
09:10So, what time do you get off?
09:122 a.m.
09:14Oh.
09:19Hello?
09:20Anybody home?
09:22Hey, I want to show you something.
09:25Okay.
09:26Close your eyes.
09:28Okay.
09:29Okay, open your eyes.
09:36Oh!
09:38Oh, my God.
09:39You put the...
09:41And you hung the...
09:42Oh, and look at the cute little...
09:45Oh.
09:46Oh, you are so gonna get it, mister.
09:48Oh, no.
09:57Oh!
09:59Oh, I see.
10:03You put all of your stuff in my room.
10:11How do you amass that much crap at 22?
10:14When I was 22, all I had was a Miata, a thong, and a diaphragm,
10:17and it was a great year.
10:20Thanks for nothing.
10:22Bob was very disappointing.
10:24We rode the bus.
10:25He sat.
10:26I stood.
10:26He wanted to go to the 99-cent store
10:29and buy soap and shorts
10:30and out-of-season greeting cards.
10:33I thought he was gonna take me from drabby to fabby.
10:37But instead, he just took me to the food court at the mall.
10:39Who put some orange chicken on a Cinnabon?
10:42I'll take my course.
10:43Isn't Bobby's hypoglycemic?
10:45He has to eat 11 times a day.
10:47It's either that or have a pump installed.
10:50Chicken on a Cinnabon?
10:51That is brilliant.
10:52You want someone better.
10:54You go out and find them.
10:56How?
10:56Sweetie, we live in San Francisco.
10:58Just go out there and sing four bars of Lady Gaga.
11:01They'll be crawling all over you.
11:06Can you help me get these pants off?
11:07Please tell me you're wearing underwear.
11:19I'll tell you, but it won't make it true.
11:20So, uh, this might be a weird time for me to ask you this.
11:34Or a perfect time, but, uh,
11:36I got myself in a bit of a situation with Jerome.
11:39Uh-huh, suck it in, dude.
11:41Yeah, well, the thing is, Jerome came on to me
11:44and, you know,
11:46he's going through a real rough patch right now.
11:50Uh, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, you know,
11:54because he's a really cool dude.
11:55So, I told him I had a boyfriend,
11:58so I guess, you know, what I'm asking is, uh,
12:00well, do you think you could be my boyfriend?
12:04Whoa, your junk looks like it's been crushed in.
12:09Anyway, let me ask you this very uncomfortable question
12:13one more time.
12:16Will you be my boyfriend?
12:18No, man, I'm not going to do that.
12:20Come on, man.
12:21I helped you put that crib together.
12:23I still got a splinter in my pinky.
12:27Actually, that's a pen mark.
12:30I mean, the least you can do is just, you know,
12:32pretend to love me for an hour.
12:33Dude, it's just not believable.
12:35I mean, do you really think you could get a...
12:37a me?
12:37Do you really think you could get a me?
12:46Yeah, like easily.
12:50Yeah, you're probably right.
12:52The truth is, I'm just so excited to show you off.
12:55Hi.
13:02So you had a surprise for me,
13:04now I have a surprise for you.
13:07Close your eyes.
13:08Like where this is going.
13:10But I just had some weird stuff at Davis's,
13:12so I think I should probably take a shower first.
13:14My stuff is gone.
13:22Right.
13:23Your stuff is gone.
13:24To a better place.
13:26Let me take you on a tour of your stuff.
13:32Much like a squirrel places its nuts,
13:35I have placed your items in various advantageous spots
13:38around the apartment.
13:41Say you want to get dressed in the morning.
13:42What's the first thing you need?
13:44My stuff back?
13:48Underwear.
13:50Underwear?
13:52The couch.
13:56You have to lift it up a little bit.
14:02But on the bright side, when I moved it,
14:04I realized it was a pull-out bed.
14:05I had no idea.
14:09All right, so you got your underwear.
14:10Now you need some pants.
14:12Where do we go for that?
14:14The pantry.
14:24Anyway, I made a map of all your stuff.
14:30You are here.
14:32No, wait.
14:33Here.
14:34No, wait.
14:36Here.
14:37Do you have any inkling that this isn't going very well?
14:48I do now.
14:50Look, I know it's ridiculous,
14:52but so was you turning my bedroom into a goodwill donation center.
14:56Well, if you didn't like all the stuff in the room,
14:58then why didn't you just get rid of some of your crap
15:00and make room for mine?
15:01Because everything in that room is essential and necessary.
15:08Ski jacket?
15:11Seven robes?
15:14Okay, this dress, let's be honest,
15:16you're never fitting into this again.
15:17That's my stomach flu dress.
15:20Every girl has one.
15:24You have a floppy hat collection like I've never seen.
15:28Who are you, Molly Ringwald?
15:29You know who Molly Ringwald is?
15:34So it's more important that those hats are in your room than me.
15:38Come on, Zach.
15:39It's not my room.
15:40It's our room.
15:42Well, it doesn't feel like that right now.
15:46Ugh.
15:50Why are you so upset?
15:51Because you expect me to go on a frickin' scavenger hunt
15:54in order to get dressed.
15:55It's really more of a treasure hunt because you have a map.
15:58Look, I tried to do something nice,
16:01but if we're really gonna be a family,
16:02then you gotta start compromising.
16:04That's our room, and I need my stuff in it.
16:07I just need to get my jacket.
16:10I need to go do something for Davis.
16:13Jacket.
16:14Jacket.
16:18See how easy that was?
16:19When I saw all of his stuff in my room,
16:26it just hit me.
16:27We were really doing this.
16:28We are together.
16:30I mean, I love him,
16:31but I just wish everything in this relationship
16:33didn't jump out from behind a tree and ambush me.
16:36Well, don't think of it that way.
16:38Think of it as something jumping out
16:39from behind a tree and loving you.
16:41I'm no one to give advice.
16:46Several people think I'm a man.
16:51Hi, I'm Abby.
16:53Can one of you help me become the lady
16:54I've always wanted to be?
16:57Wow, you look fantastic.
16:58Where are you in your transition?
17:00Oh, I still need a lot of work.
17:03I haven't even gotten highlights
17:04or advice on which skirt length is in this season.
17:09Well, you have an amazing tape job.
17:11Oh, I sure do.
17:13We're taping it all up.
17:14Snap.
17:18I thought you were a transsexual.
17:22I have big hands.
17:23Yes, I met this Adonis
17:31at the dog park six months ago.
17:35You know, sometimes when the light
17:36catches his hair just right,
17:38I say to myself,
17:40I'm the luckiest man in the world.
17:44You know, we have super gay sex
17:46like 24 hours a day.
17:50There you are.
17:52Uh-oh.
17:53I'm sorry.
17:54I'm sorry I was so selfish.
17:57I want the mess.
17:58I want you.
17:59I want you in my room.
18:00I want you in my life.
18:02Hey, your boyfriend's kissing a pregnant girl.
18:04What's going on here?
18:06I don't know,
18:07but I intend to find out immediately.
18:11Get away from him.
18:12He's my boyfriend.
18:17Huh?
18:18Zach is my boyfriend.
18:19That's why I can't go out with Jerome.
18:22Oh.
18:24Oh.
18:27You didn't tell me you had a hot little piece
18:30on the side, you bastard.
18:31I don't see why I can't be with the both of you.
18:41There's enough of me to go around.
18:45It'll be a cold day in hell
18:46before I share you with anyone.
18:48Oh.
18:48You don't deserve him.
18:56Call me.
18:57It turns out that the cute bartender
19:12was involved in this incestuous little freak show
19:13and the sad thing,
19:14I'm so lonely,
19:15I was actually kind of jealous.
19:16Uh-huh.
19:16Well, you have no reason
19:20to be jealous of anyone
19:22because even though I just met you,
19:24I can tell that you have a lot to give to someone
19:26and whoever ends up getting you
19:28is going to be really, really lucky.
19:31Do you have a gay man in your life?
19:33No.
19:34Well, you do now.
19:35No.
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