- 2 days ago
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Previously on Accidentally On Purpose.
00:03We're running late. They're going to give away our seats at the premiere.
00:07What's the rush?
00:08Oh, sorry, officer. I was just, um...
00:10Are you going into labor?
00:12Yes.
00:13Yes.
00:14Billy wants us to go to the premiere for her.
00:17Oh!
00:18You weren't kidding about this police escort, huh?
00:20That's how I do things. Hardcore.
00:22If you're my friend, I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.
00:24If you're my enemy, I will hunt you down.
00:25It will end badly for you and everyone you care about.
00:27Officer Rabbits!
00:30Or should I say, Uncle Officer Rabbits?
00:34Does she have the baby already?
00:36Oh, son of a bitch!
00:48What's going on here?
00:49What does it look like? I'm moving this couch?
00:51I'm having a...
00:52Oh!
00:54Baby.
00:55So the first one was a lie.
00:59Catch on quick.
01:01Sorry.
01:02I'm a bit of a wise-ass.
01:04But pain makes me sarcastic.
01:07How's this for sarcastic?
01:09I'm taking you in.
01:10Is that a joke?
01:11No joke.
01:12You're going to jail.
01:13But it's a great jail.
01:15That was sarcastic.
01:17No, no, please.
01:18He needs to be with me.
01:20You.
01:21Take her to the hospital.
01:22Daddy's going with me.
01:23Billy, I'm sorry.
01:24No matter what it takes, I'll be there when the baby's born.
01:26I love you.
01:27I love you, too.
01:29I'll try to keep it in me as long as I can.
01:31No, I won't.
01:33No, I won't.
01:35Davis, you got to look out for it for me, man.
01:37Yeah, man, I'm on it.
01:39One hundred percent.
01:43Just concentrate on your breathing.
01:46I'm just not ready to have a baby right now.
01:48There's no way I can do this without drugs.
01:52I'm just going to go back to my apartment, okay?
01:55Inside my nightstand, there's a shoe.
01:56Inside the shoe is a balled-up sock.
02:00You know what?
02:01Just bring the whole shoe.
02:03It's always how I pictured this day.
02:07Hi, I called a few minutes ago.
02:08I'm Billy Chase.
02:09I'm Gavin, Dr. Rowland's nurse.
02:12We've started getting your room ready.
02:13Hey, why don't you two switch places?
02:18Of course.
02:20Okay, so, you're good?
02:23Good.
02:24What?
02:25No, no, no, no.
02:25You can't leave me.
02:27No, no, no, no.
02:28No, no.
02:29Hey, hey, hey, hey.
02:30Hey, come on.
02:31You've doubted yourself before.
02:33You can do this.
02:33You didn't think you could eat those 23 hot dogs
02:35to win the free hot dog, but you did.
02:38I was high.
02:41Hey.
02:41All you have to do is stand there
02:44and occasionally mumble something supportive, all right?
02:47Imagine you're at a strip club.
02:50Okay.
02:51But it'll be hard to put dollar bills down there
02:53when a baby's coming out.
02:55I can't be anything without you.
03:05Look, I know I did a bad thing
03:07pretending my girlfriend was having a baby that first time, but...
03:10You wasted time, money, and valuable city resources.
03:13And you hurt me.
03:17Say it.
03:19And I hurt you.
03:22You hurt me.
03:24So if I was you, I'd just settle in
03:26because your file's going to the bottom of the stack like any other hump.
03:29But you don't understand.
03:30I need to be there for her.
03:32Okay?
03:32Come on, dude.
03:32She's having my baby.
03:35Well...
03:35My girlfriend's having a baby, too.
03:37Mine, too.
03:39They're copying me.
03:40Stop copying.
03:41You're a whiny little bitch.
03:43It's just my time.
03:46And my day just keeps getting better.
03:50Your cervix is...
03:51Is this your husband?
03:56No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
03:58Oh, God, no.
04:01I am way out of her league.
04:06So, is your husband on his way?
04:08Oh, Zach's not my husband.
04:09He's my boyfriend.
04:10And he's in jail.
04:11So, that sounds classy.
04:14He did ask me to marry him,
04:16but I said, I don't know,
04:17since he's 22 and I'm 37
04:18and this whole thing started out as a drunken one-night stand.
04:23Lucky, lucky baby.
04:26Just so you know,
04:27we'll need the baby's full name for the birth certificate
04:30before you leave the hospital.
04:32Okay.
04:33Um, then we're going to need a late checkout.
04:38Okay, so...
04:40we finally decided on a name.
04:42But I didn't submit my new list yet.
04:45Well, the most important thing is to avoid names
04:47that mean kids can turn into a hurtful rhyme.
04:50Like in third grade, you know,
04:51they called me Blabagale.
04:53Oh!
04:53I showed them.
04:55Stopped talking for a year.
04:57They thought I went deaf, suckers!
05:03So, the name...
05:04Oh!
05:05Let's say it at the same time.
05:06Okay.
05:07Ready?
05:07One, two, three.
05:10Henry Crotchuk.
05:12Crotchuk?
05:16Lucky, lucky...
05:17Yeah, yeah, your family's perfect.
05:21Sorry, I got here as quick as I could.
05:24Hello, Davis.
05:26Hello, Olivia.
05:30Hello, Davis.
05:31Hello, Olivia.
05:32What, are you guys in a play?
05:33What's going on?
05:33Nothing.
05:39Nothing.
05:40You know, we're just trying to put aside
05:41our natural disdain for each other
05:43because of the coming miracle.
05:45Yes, today is all about you, Billy.
05:48Just imagine,
05:50in about 18 hours from now,
05:51you are going to be a mom.
05:5318 hours?
05:5618 hours?
05:58Oh, suck it up.
06:00My mother had to perform her own C-section
06:01with a broken whiskey bottle.
06:03It's Billy.
06:12Billy!
06:13Zach's been arrested
06:14and I need you to get him out of jail
06:16because I'm in the hospital
06:17and I'm in labor.
06:18Yay!
06:19Oh, wait, some of that sounded bad.
06:24It is.
06:25He's at the Lombardo station.
06:27The arresting officer was Rabbits
06:28and I really, really need Zach here, Abby.
06:31We are on it.
06:32You can count on us.
06:33Nick's had three Shirley Temples,
06:35but I think he's okay to drive.
06:38Olivia, can you go back to my place
06:39and get my pre-packed overnight suitcase?
06:41It's in that closet in the dining room.
06:43Yeah, of course.
06:44I should help you.
06:46After all,
06:47there's probably a lot of junk in that trunk.
06:52That's okay if I leave, right, Nurse Gavin?
06:55You should definitely leave
06:56because I called security five minutes ago.
07:00Great!
07:01Oh, we're gonna get that suitcase.
07:03Can't wait to get my hands on that suitcase.
07:06Not if I beat you to it.
07:09It's a really great suitcase.
07:12When they bring it by,
07:12I'll see what all the shouting's about.
07:17You're naming your kid Henry.
07:20Oh, that's my name.
07:24It was.
07:25Well, now it's Nadine.
07:29It suits you.
07:31I'm telling you, sailor,
07:32you're saying all the right things.
07:34The problem
07:41is the last name.
07:44Okay.
07:45So the hospital baby bag is packed,
07:48but where's my music thingy?
07:50Huh.
07:50That's a funny story.
07:53You remember that flank steak I made
07:55that kind of tasted like metal?
07:56Yo, Zach, look, we did it.
08:05One nipple normal,
08:07the other one hard.
08:15You tenderized my music thingy?
08:22But I had put together
08:25the perfect birthing playlist.
08:28I was gonna have our baby
08:30to Salt and Pepper's
08:31Push It, Push It real good.
08:34Well, I wanted the baby
08:35to have my last name,
08:37so neither of us
08:38are getting exactly what we want.
08:41The first song your son's gonna hear
08:43is Push It?
08:44I'll save the dress for him.
08:47I gotta be honest.
08:49You don't seem like much of a catch.
08:51You're in jail.
08:53You won't let me stab you.
08:54And who's gonna marry
08:55a guy named Crawchuck?
08:59I'll marry him.
09:02See?
09:03Thank you, Nadine.
09:05Nadine Crawchuck.
09:07I like the sound of that.
09:10But I gotta tell you,
09:11I got a bunch of chaos.
09:19Don't touch anything.
09:20Police stations are a breeding ground
09:21for disease.
09:25It's this kind of attitude
09:26that keeps us off
09:27the amazing race.
09:29Abby!
09:30Oh, hi.
09:31Officer Rapids?
09:33I'm Abby,
09:34and that adorable man
09:35handcuffed over there,
09:36um, not the bald guy
09:38or the lady dude,
09:39is my kind of sort
09:41of brother-in-law.
09:42So I'm here to bust him out.
09:43Oh, legally.
09:45So I would like to post his bail,
09:47uh, preferably using a combination
09:48of credit cards
09:49and gift certificates.
09:50The bail won't be set
09:51for at least another
09:52four to six hours.
09:53You're being a tad
09:55unreasonable, Officer Rapids,
09:57and you do not want to be known
09:59as unreasonable rabbits.
10:00I have known
10:01the pain of a hurtful nickname.
10:04Don't worry, buddy.
10:05We'll keep you out of jail.
10:06But if we don't,
10:07the first thing you do
10:07when you get in there
10:08is kick someone's ass.
10:09That's how I survived space camp.
10:11Look, lady,
10:14I hear a million sob stories a day,
10:16and most of them
10:16aren't in English,
10:17so I don't know
10:17what the hell
10:18they're talking about.
10:19But none of that
10:20really matters,
10:21because I don't like him,
10:23and I'm beginning
10:24to not like you.
10:27This is a power trip, huh?
10:29They give you a badge
10:30and a gun,
10:30and you get to play God?
10:32Well, my sister
10:32is counting on me
10:33to get her baby daddy
10:34to the hospital.
10:36Now, you're holding
10:36on to something of mine,
10:37so I'm gonna hold
10:38on to something of yours.
10:39Well, give that back.
10:42Why?
10:43Why?
10:43What are you gonna do about it?
10:48Abby's been arrested?
10:57Well, I have the baby.
11:00Really?
11:01Yeah, you guys took so long
11:02I'm already pregnant
11:03with another one.
11:04Here's your ice water.
11:08Anything else
11:09I can get for you,
11:09dirty stranger?
11:13Dr. Rowland.
11:14Oh, my God.
11:14I'm so glad to see you.
11:16Yeah.
11:17I didn't need to see
11:18the Rolling Stones tonight.
11:21Where's that?
11:22Jail.
11:23Boom.
11:24Just warm the office pool.
11:28Okay, let's take a gander
11:30at the old moneymaker, huh?
11:34Oh, six centimeters.
11:35Shouldn't be long now.
11:36But Zach's not here.
11:38Olivia, help.
11:39Look, don't worry about it.
11:42I know people
11:42at every precinct
11:43in this town.
11:44If they don't let him go,
11:45they're gonna read about it
11:46in tomorrow's front page.
11:51Yeah, she's gonna get arrested, too.
11:57Hey.
11:58I slept with her.
12:01I don't care.
12:05I can't believe this.
12:06Zach's not gonna make it.
12:07I can't do this without him.
12:09Look, Dr. Rowland,
12:10I need to reschedule.
12:11I'll move my nail appointment
12:12to next Tuesday,
12:13but I'm not ready
12:14to have a baby yet.
12:15You should have thought of that
12:16before you got pregnant.
12:18Okay, did you somehow
12:19swallow my mother?
12:21You'll stay with me, right?
12:22I can count on you
12:23at least, can't I?
12:24Absolutely.
12:26All right, substitute daddy,
12:27scrub up and get ready
12:29because I'm gonna need you
12:30to hold the baby
12:31as it comes out.
12:32Now, get a good grip
12:33because it's gonna be
12:34kind of slimy.
12:35Passing out.
12:36What?
12:37Passing out.
12:38Are you okay?
12:39John.
12:44God, this is going on forever
12:46and I have to get there in time.
12:47What's the longest it's ever taken
12:48for a baby to come out?
12:50Well, I heard about this one woman
12:51in the Himalayas
12:52who was in labor for a week.
12:54Really?
12:54Yeah, she died.
12:57Oh, this is not a helpful story.
13:00No, it's not.
13:01God, I can't believe
13:02I didn't even have it together
13:03enough to be there
13:03for my own son's birth.
13:05I mean, my father
13:05was a son of a bitch
13:06but he was there
13:07when I was born.
13:09God, Billy must think
13:10I'm the biggest loser
13:11on earth right now.
13:13You?
13:13What about me?
13:15I'm her sister.
13:16If anyone should be there,
13:17I should.
13:18I feel awful.
13:20You have to tell me
13:21where you got those booze.
13:22Olivia, what are you doing here?
13:30I'm here to use
13:31my journalistic connections
13:32to get them out.
13:34Now, which one arrested Zach?
13:36You know, grumpy puss
13:37behind that desk.
13:38And don't touch his hat,
13:39he's very attached to it.
13:40Marion?
13:50Olivia?
13:52Oh, my God.
13:53Darling, you're alive!
14:01Olivia and Abby can catch up
14:02but we've got to get you
14:03to the hospital
14:04to meet your son, mister.
14:05How did you get a Porsche?
14:06Oh, it's my brother's.
14:07He gave it to me
14:08when he met Antonio
14:08and moved to Florence.
14:11My brother was...
14:12An expatriate.
14:13I know, it's surprising.
14:17Billy, I'm out
14:18and on the way.
14:19How you doing?
14:20They won't let me eat.
14:21Tell them to let me eat!
14:24Dude, it's all going down, man.
14:26It's a bit dicey there
14:27for a minute
14:27but then they gave me
14:29a shot now.
14:29I'm pumped!
14:33Okay, Nick.
14:34Let's see what this baby can do.
14:35I'm way ahead of you.
14:36Yeah.
14:36Yeah.
14:36Yeah.
14:38Okay, you're at nine centimeters.
14:59Hey, when your peeing guys
15:00measure their penis,
15:01do they get to use centimeters?
15:04That would sound
15:05a lot more impressive.
15:06Let's go easy
15:08on the penis talk
15:09down there.
15:11The point is
15:12you're not quite there yet.
15:14This is not quite there?
15:17I know this sounds
15:17hard to believe
15:18but I think the baby
15:19has a knife.
15:21Well, it is
15:22a rough neighborhood.
15:24Now listen to me, baby.
15:26What's the rush?
15:28The next time
15:28you're going to be
15:28anywhere near
15:29one of those things
15:30is after the bar closes
15:31and all the good-looking guys
15:32have already gone home.
15:33My son is going
15:35to be very handsome
15:36and he will be
15:37taking ladies home
15:38early and often
15:39but he won't try anything
15:40because that's just
15:41the kind of guy he is.
15:44Guess who's here?
15:46Me!
15:49Where's Zach?
15:51He and Nick left before us.
15:52I thought he'd be here.
15:54I am aware
15:55that you're anxious
15:55but I do not have
15:56a spotless driving record
15:57by accident.
15:58It's just five more blocks.
16:00And that is statistically
16:01when most accidents occur.
16:05Well, I really think
16:07Zach should be here
16:07because this thing's
16:08kicking my ass
16:09from the inside out.
16:11Doctor, what should we do?
16:13Hold her.
16:14Talk to her.
16:14Tell her something
16:15to distract her.
16:16I made friends
16:17with a transvestite prostitute.
16:19Another one?
16:20Big deal.
16:22Uh, I slept with Olivia.
16:25Uh, you what?
16:27That's good.
16:30Yeah, more stuff like that.
16:31Tell her where.
16:31Uh, okay.
16:32Uh, yeah, in your living room,
16:34kitchen floor,
16:34on your bed,
16:36where your head goes.
16:38Oh, Olivia!
16:39Oh, I'm not ashamed
16:39of anything I did to him.
16:41I am a little.
16:48Can you at least
16:50wear the gloves?
16:52You're getting palm sweat
16:53all over the steering wheel.
16:54Oh.
16:57Don't worry.
16:59I'm getting everything.
17:00Over the shoulder!
17:01Over the shoulder!
17:03Abby, over my shoulder!
17:05Okay, all right.
17:07If it makes you feel any better,
17:08way more people than this
17:09have gathered around
17:10to see my vagina.
17:14That does not make me feel better.
17:16Nor I.
17:20Billy!
17:21Sarah!
17:22Oh, man.
17:23Did I miss you today?
17:24I love you.
17:26I love you, too.
17:27Oh!
17:30Who's next?
17:31He's downstairs.
17:33Apparel was half off
17:34at the gift shop.
17:36So glad you finally made it, bro.
17:38Thanks for being here, man.
17:40Yeah, man.
17:40I got this scene under control.
17:42She's at nine centimeters,
17:44and I'm at 16.
17:47Why are you two holding hands?
17:50They slept together.
17:51Oh!
17:51You will do anything to steal focus.
17:56Okay, we're getting close now.
17:57I'm going to need you to push.
17:59The breathing's not working.
18:01I don't think I can do this.
18:02Rubber back!
18:03Get her some ice chips!
18:05Rubber back with ice chips!
18:06Uh, I'm passing out.
18:09What?
18:10He's passing out.
18:11You okay?
18:12Gone.
18:14Okay, yeah.
18:15Get him out of here.
18:16In fact, everybody out.
18:17But...
18:17Yeah, bye, everyone.
18:19Come on.
18:20I'll stay,
18:21if that's okay with you.
18:26Zach,
18:26I'm really scared.
18:28Something about this
18:29doesn't feel right.
18:31I wish I had my music.
18:32Music.
18:34Music.
18:34Uh...
18:35Oh!
18:37Push it.
18:52Push it good.
18:54Push it.
18:56Push it real good.
18:57Salt and pepper's here
18:58and we're in effect.
19:00Want you to push it, girl.
19:02Move it by day.
19:03Are we singing or not?
19:04What's that?
19:07Oh, sorry.
19:09Ooh, baby, baby.
19:11Baby, baby.
19:12Okay, here we go.
19:13One final push.
19:14Lock and load now.
19:16Push it.
19:18Push it good.
19:20Push it.
19:21Push it good.
19:23Push it.
19:24Stay on the beat.
19:25Stay on the beat.
19:32Who's your daddy?
19:34Me.
19:34He's so beautiful.
19:38Takes after his mom.
19:40Give mommy a high five.
19:42High five.
19:42Down low.
19:43Too slow.
19:44Good joke, darling.
19:46Hey, what's up, little baby?
19:48I like your hat.
19:49I got one just like it.
19:53Nick, it's our nephew.
19:55Finally, you're not the one
19:56in the family
19:56with the smallest feet.
19:59He's adorable.
20:02You guys will still pay attention
20:03to me, though, right?
20:08He's smiling.
20:09You know, I think Henry and I
20:21should have the same last name.
20:23Yeah, I'm cool with that.
20:25Henry Chase.
20:27No, Henry Krawchuk.
20:29Well, what do you mean?
20:32Well, what I mean is
20:33I know I took a couple months
20:35to get back to you
20:35on your marriage proposal.
20:38The offer's still valid, right?
20:42Four more minutes.
20:43Well, the answer is yes.
21:00So we're engaged.
21:02Yeah.
21:02Look, I don't want to put
21:06any pressure on you,
21:08but how long do you want to wait
21:09before we have kids?
21:10Look, I don't want to put
21:10any pressure on you,
21:11but how long do you want to wait
21:13before we have kids?
21:15Whoa!
21:16ורה.
21:17All right.
21:18Let me see.
21:19How long do you want to have kids?
21:21Yes.
21:22Have a good day.
21:23Work and win-y.
21:25See.
21:25Have a good day.
21:27See.
21:27Have a good day.
21:37а
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