- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00You know, I've seen Cheryl do this before.
00:12She just presses a button, and the whole thing collapses.
00:30Wait, wait, wait, wait!
00:58I think I heard a click.
01:01That was my knee.
01:02No.
01:24You want to get the door?
01:28You want to get the door?
01:36You want to get the door?
01:43You want to get the door?
01:45What has happened to America?
02:00It's going to hell in a handbasket, Jim.
02:03Bingo!
02:04B-I-N-G-E-F!
02:07B-I-N-G-E-F!
02:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's okay.
02:12You know what, not now, but Mommy will sing it later for you as much as you want.
02:16Yay!
02:17So, I'm sitting there watching the director's cut of Red Heat, which, by the way, Cheryl, is very good.
02:26Completely overlooked by the Academy.
02:30Anyway, the DVD player breaks down and craps right out on me.
02:34What?
02:34What?
02:35We've only had it a week.
02:36Bingo!
02:37Bingo!
02:42So, I'm going to take this back to Lazy Al's, and I'm going to exchange it and get a new one, but I need that receipt.
02:54My pinky!
02:55My whistle!
03:01Thanks, Jim.
03:01That's where I keep all this stuff I don't want them to have anymore.
03:04My nudie pen.
03:10Hello, Ingrid.
03:12She lives in a pen, Jim.
03:23If she was five feet tall, you'd be gone.
03:25Honey, I've got to find that receipt.
03:35I know I put that receipt in here.
03:37What did you do with it?
03:38Me?
03:39I never take anything out of that drawer.
03:41You're the one who's always losing things, like our honeymoon tickets.
03:44I did not lose those tickets.
03:47You told me to put them in the green suitcase.
03:49You didn't take the green suitcase.
03:51Well, then why didn't you tell me to put them in the green suitcase?
03:53Well, I'm going to tell you to put them in a suitcase you weren't even taking.
03:55Cheryl?
03:55Only you can answer that.
04:00That was ten years ago.
04:03Come on, can't you think of anything recently that I lost?
04:06Uh, ten pounds?
04:09Although, in your defense, you did find them.
04:15That is a cheap shot, Cheryl.
04:17I am storing that one.
04:19Oh, you mean where your hair used to be?
04:28Did I forget a birthday or something?
04:30What's going on?
04:31No, no, no, I'm just sick of you losing things all the time and blaming me, like, like, like my car keys or your sunglasses or the electric bill.
04:39Oh, come on, Cheryl.
04:40Come on, Cheryl.
04:40That was fun.
04:41It was like camping.
04:44Besides, you know what?
04:45You can't stop keeping score with me.
04:48I mean, you store these lists in your head.
04:51Oh, you mean up here with my thick, lustrous hair?
04:57Cheryl.
05:02You are making me very angry.
05:04And very hot.
05:09Now, come on.
05:11It's obvious that someone just broke in here in the middle of the night and stole my receipt.
05:17Yeah, Jim.
05:18It's probably halfway to South America by now, chopped up and sold for confetti.
05:25I know what's in here.
05:27Honey, honey, seriously, you probably don't want to touch anything because the police are going to want to dust for prints.
05:32I'm going to kiss you again.
05:43Ah, Tiffany.
05:47That wicked lady took your sister away.
05:57Hi, welcome to Lazy Owls.
05:59We're too darn lazy to raise our prices.
06:02I bet you hate saying that, don't you?
06:05No, I don't.
06:14Well, this thing is broken here and I want to exchange it for a new one.
06:18Okay.
06:18Can I see a receipt?
06:20Well, my wife lost it.
06:23Wow.
06:24Women, huh?
06:26Oh.
06:26Don't get me started.
06:35No returns without a receipt.
06:37No exceptions.
06:38Oh, come on, buddy.
06:39We all know that rules are meant to be broken, huh?
06:41Are you trying to bribe me with an Arby's coupon?
07:01Okay.
07:02I understand.
07:03You're a worthy opponent.
07:04Let's make this a game of skill.
07:12I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
07:15Seven.
07:16Damn.
07:16I need that receipt, sir.
07:21All right.
07:22I'm thinking of a number...
07:23Sixty-three.
07:23How do you know that?
07:24Well, well, well.
07:48Oh, gee.
07:49What's that, Jim?
07:53The new DVD player?
07:55Why, yes, my darling, it is.
07:59Oh, Jim, you're my hero.
08:02Would you like steakums for lunch followed by afternoon sex?
08:10Well, you know, Cheryl, I really didn't think about that, but yes, I would.
08:14Okay, okay, I get it.
08:18You didn't lose the receipt.
08:20No, I didn't lose the receipt.
08:22That's very interesting.
08:23So maybe you were incorrect.
08:25Maybe you could have been possibly wrong, perchance mistaken.
08:31All right.
08:33I got it.
08:34All right.
08:36Cheryl, excuse me.
08:38I am going to take a nap.
08:41To save up energy for our afternoon sex.
08:44Okay, honey.
08:49You win.
08:50Enjoy your nap.
08:53Bingo!
08:54B-I-S-T-O!
08:56B-I-S-T-O!
08:58B-I-S-T-O!
09:00Bingo!
09:01Bingo!
09:01Bingo!
09:01Bingo!
09:01Bingo!
09:01Bingo!
09:01Bingo!
09:08Boys, I am a genius.
09:12Yeah, spell it.
09:14Yeah, go ahead and make fun of me.
09:16But I just fooled my wife, and she's a very smart lady.
09:20All right, so how did you fool her?
09:22You see, I was going to return this broken DVD player, right?
09:25Okay.
09:25But I needed the receipt, and I couldn't find it, and Cheryl accused me of losing it.
09:32Did you?
09:33Well, yeah, pretty much.
09:36But that's why I went out and bought a new DVD player, so she wouldn't, you know, harp on me for 50 years about the mistakes I made.
09:45Yeah, I know what you mean.
09:47Cheryl still won't let me forget the time when I used her Easy-Bake Oven to cremate my dead frog, Mr. Hoppers.
09:55Well, guys, women.
09:58Women are like a dog with a bone.
10:02They bury it for a while, and then they dig it up when they want to use it against you.
10:06My barber told me that.
10:10You were in the chair long enough to get all that?
10:14I love it.
10:16Yeah, yeah.
10:18All right.
10:19One, two, three, four.
10:26Whoo!
10:27Who's got the magic?
10:29Mom's got the magic!
10:30Sorry!
10:30I am not speaking to you, and don't act like you don't know why.
10:37Okay.
10:41You don't even know what you did, do you?
10:43Uh, overreacted to something small.
10:45Oh, sorry.
10:46That's what you do.
10:49I hate you when you dance.
10:54Stop dancing!
10:56I made your stupid spaghetti sauce last night for my date, and it was awful.
11:01Oh, honey, your dates are always awful.
11:06Okay, what did you do wrong?
11:08I didn't do anything wrong.
11:09I followed your recipe exactly.
11:13One can of tomato paste, three tablespoons of olive oil, one tablespoon of oranges.
11:18Oregano!
11:21I'm not oranges!
11:23You're not making a smoothie!
11:25Oh, my God, Lazy Owls!
11:31This is the receipt for the DVD player.
11:37Jim did lose the receipt.
11:39He is so busted.
11:41Where'd you get this?
11:42From you.
11:43You took it out of that drawer, wrote the recipe on it, and handed it to me.
11:46You are lying.
11:58Oh, man.
11:59Jim was right.
12:00I did lose the receipt.
12:03Wait a minute.
12:05If he didn't have the receipt, how did he get Lazy Owl to take his DVD player back?
12:09Maybe he undid his top button and cried.
12:13I once returned a car like that.
12:17He totally deceived me.
12:19Well, Cheryl, what have I been telling you for ten years?
12:22That man has no good qualities.
12:24Come on, let's go nail him.
12:27No, I can't.
12:29Oh, why?
12:30Well, because then he'll know that I know that he didn't lose the receipt, and he'll say,
12:33how do you know?
12:34And I'll say, because I gave it to Dana, and then he'll say, so it was really you who lost
12:37the receipt, and I don't have anything to say.
12:42Wow.
12:43I must have no life, because I find this fascinating.
12:49What are you doing?
12:51Oh, listen carefully, little sister.
12:54Men are like a dog with a bone.
13:01They'll bury it for a while, but they'll dig it up when they need to.
13:06Also, there's the chewing and the licking, but...
13:11Well, all right, hang on.
13:13What's that?
13:14They're trying to get me for jury duty.
13:17Oh!
13:19Hi, boys.
13:20Time to ring.
13:21See ya.
13:24Watch the door.
13:26Okay.
13:27What am I looking for?
13:29If you see Cheryl, say something.
13:32Like what?
13:34Like, hey, Jim, Cheryl's coming.
13:37Seems a little long.
13:43How about blue canary?
13:45Just watch the damn door.
13:49Blue canary!
13:50No, no, really.
14:00It's a blue canary.
14:05What are the odds?
14:10What are you doing?
14:12I am returning this broken DVD player.
14:15I thought they wouldn't take it without a receipt.
14:18Oh, I have a receipt from the new DVD player.
14:23That's just wrong.
14:26How do you sleep at night?
14:28In the nude with your sister.
14:35Okay, okay.
14:36All we're gonna do is we're gonna go in there,
14:38we're gonna get our money,
14:39and then we're gonna get out.
14:40So be calm.
14:44Don't worry about me.
14:46What's that in my veins?
14:47Oh, it's ice water.
14:50Okay, Mr. Iceman.
14:55Stay close.
14:58Hey.
14:59Hi, welcome to Lazy House.
15:00We're too darn lazy to raise our price.
15:02Sweet mother of God, we're locked in!
15:09It opens in, sir.
15:11Just pull it.
15:12Oh, sorry.
15:27I wanted to return this for cash.
15:29Okay, can I see your receipt?
15:33Oh.
15:34Oh, I think I can scare one up.
15:44Okay.
15:45There's a problem.
15:49Aside from this frozen tater tot,
15:52the serial numbers on this DVD player
15:59and this receipt don't match.
16:01What happened to the customers always write?
16:04That goes out the window
16:05when they're trying to rip us off.
16:08All right, I'm gonna call my lawyer, sir.
16:15One second, please.
16:19Yes, I'll hold.
16:20Yes, uh, Johnny Cochran, please.
16:29Sir, that's a price scanner.
16:43If you walk out right now,
16:45I won't call the police.
16:46It opens in, sir.
17:06Hey!
17:13Blue canary.
17:15So, what are you guys doing?
17:23Well, we were just, um,
17:25talking man stuff.
17:27Yeah, you know, we were, uh,
17:29I was gonna do some measuring and stuff,
17:31and I was thinking maybe,
17:33I don't know,
17:33I'll change the garage into a
17:35study for my books.
17:38Why, is the rack next to the toilet
17:41getting too small?
17:46What's this?
17:48Oh, uh,
17:49that's the DVD player.
17:52Oh.
17:54Really, that's funny,
17:55because the girls are in the house
17:56watching a DVD right now.
17:58So, you want to tell me
18:07what's going on?
18:11Dana.
18:12What?
18:13Oh, come on!
18:14This is the only reason
18:15I really come over here.
18:16You think I like to watch him eat?
18:18All right.
18:26So, what's going on?
18:29Well, uh,
18:30you know,
18:31long story short,
18:35and here we are.
18:38Yeah, so, uh,
18:41you want to give me
18:42the slightly longer version?
18:44Phew.
18:46I lost the receipt
18:47and bought a new DVD player,
18:48and here we are.
18:49Oh!
18:51Unbelievable!
18:54All right.
18:55I'm standing in front of you,
18:58totally vulnerable.
18:59If you want me to take my pants off,
19:02I will.
19:08Why would I want you
19:09to take your pants off?
19:11Just an expression.
19:14Come on.
19:15Come on, Cheryl.
19:16Give it to me.
19:17All right.
19:17All right.
19:17I'm going to.
19:19All right.
19:20All right.
19:21All right.
19:22I'm not pulling any punches.
19:24I know.
19:24I know.
19:25All right.
19:28Oh, damn it!
19:31Perfect opportunity to bust you,
19:33and I can't do it.
19:35What do you mean?
19:36Oh.
19:37Oh.
19:38I took the receipt
19:39out of the drawer.
19:40I wrote a recipe on it,
19:42and I handed it to Dana.
19:49Whoa.
19:52Jim.
19:53Don't.
19:55Please!
20:00I can't even look at you right now.
20:07Come on.
20:08We both lied.
20:09Oh, don't drag me into your web of deceits.
20:15Wait.
20:15You got the receipt.
20:16I can return the DVD.
20:18Okay.
20:18Okay.
20:18Okay.
20:18Okay.
20:19Okay.
20:19Here's where my story gets funny.
20:24I burned it.
20:26Why?
20:28Well, because I knew that sooner or later you'd find it,
20:31and then you just lured it over me.
20:33Well, I bought a new DVD player because I didn't want you to lord it over me.
20:37I didn't want you to put it on that list of yours.
20:39Oh, man.
20:41The amount of time we spend keeping score is just exhausting.
20:44It is.
20:45It is.
20:46Oh.
20:48Cheryl.
20:51Oh, what are we doing here?
20:52I mean, we're keeping lists on each other.
20:56I mean, there's got to be some good things on that list or we wouldn't be married all these years.
21:02I've got good things on the list.
21:03Really?
21:04Yeah.
21:05What?
21:06Oh, um.
21:06Oh, here's one.
21:08We'll eat anything.
21:12How about a good thing that's not insulting to you?
21:15Oh, oh, okay.
21:16Oh, oh, I know.
21:17Oh, no.
21:18No.
21:19Oh, oh.
21:21Oh, no.
21:22Cheryl, come on.
21:24What are you doing to me here?
21:25Oh, okay.
21:26Okay.
21:27Okay.
21:28Well, I was kind of safe in this one, but, um.
21:30Um, he was a good father and a loving, devoted husband.
21:37What?
21:40It's my widow's list.
21:42It's the kind of stuff I was saving for your funeral.
21:47You think you're going to live longer than me?
21:49Oh, Jim, you ordered a side of eggs with your omelet.
21:56Okay.
21:58Here goes.
22:00I'd like to thank you both for coming.
22:13Cheryl, I have more friends than that.
22:16Dead!
22:22Since we were married, a day hasn't gone by that Jim hasn't made me laugh.
22:27Even if it was at him rather than with him.
22:35Oh, and he is such a good father.
22:38Like, like, all the times he stayed up all night with Ruby when she was sick.
22:43Or, oh, oh, when Gracie dropped her teddy bear in the lake and he jumped in with all his clothes on to save it.
22:50Yeah, I remember that.
22:51A brand new roll of life savers ruined.
22:59Anyway.
22:59Blank and I would like to invite you all up to our lavish estate for champagne and caviar.
23:09Who's Blank?
23:10My boyfriend.
23:12Yeah.
23:13He's that cute doctor who fought so valiantly to save you.
23:16You're too much.
23:23Well, let me ask you something.
23:24Hmm?
23:25Did he kiss like this?
23:28Hmm.
23:29Hmm.
23:30No.
23:31No, he didn't.
23:32Actually, he kissed like this.
23:35Hmm!
23:35Hmm!
23:40Hmm.
23:41I'll kill him!
23:47But first, this.
23:54I just looked everywhere for that receipt and I just couldn't find it.
24:02Oh, it's hot in here.
24:06Yeah.
24:11Anyway.
24:23So, um, if I don't get $200 by tomorrow morning, my twin sister and I aren't going to be able
24:30to pay the enrollment fee for the lingerie contest.
24:37Yeah, okay.
24:38Oh, yeah.
24:39Yeah.
24:39Yeah.
24:41Yeah.
24:42Yeah.
24:43Yeah.
24:45Here.
24:45Here.
24:46And here's the universal remote on the house.
24:48Just take that.
24:55Oh.
24:58It opens in.
24:59Yeah.
25:08Gotcha!
25:11Yeah.
25:13Yeah.
25:14Oh.
25:14Yeah!
25:16Hey!
25:33Yeah.
25:38Yeah.
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