- 6 weeks ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Previously on Accidentally On Purpose.
00:03I'm thinking of going home with a guy who may be significantly younger than me,
00:07and I just need to know if the situation is empowering or desperate.
00:10Zero for 18.
00:11Yeah.
00:11Empowering!
00:13I'm just not a one-night stand kind of person.
00:15I just never do things like this.
00:19So this is the spot where we...
00:20Yep.
00:21Okay!
00:21Your first pregnancy test.
00:23That's adorable.
00:25Yay!
00:26Yay!
00:26My God, a nursery.
00:32Shane did the bears.
00:33He's better at skulls, but we want the bears.
00:36I really like what you bring to my apartment.
00:40You want me to stay?
00:41Yeah.
00:42I miss you.
00:43You should miss me.
00:45I'm fantastic.
00:47Remember our whole boundaries conversation?
00:49Yeah, but when you said, don't touch my stuff,
00:51I thought you meant, like, your soy milk in your computer.
00:54No, I meant, don't touch my stuff.
00:56Baby?
00:57Yeah, she's having my baby.
00:59Cool, huh?
01:00What?
01:01I've got to update my Facebook status.
01:05Oh, yeah!
01:06Yeah, I assumed video figure skating would be physically hard.
01:09I had no idea it would be this emotionally demanding.
01:13Dude, why are you playing as a girl?
01:15Because when I spin around, my skirt comes up.
01:17I'd like to see that.
01:22You've got a tight little cartoon butt.
01:26You know, at first I wasn't really down with you moving in with pregnant lady.
01:29I mean, this setup is so much better than my place.
01:32No roaches, no mold.
01:34It's a box.
01:39Billy, box!
01:41Oh, did you see that?
01:42Did you see me stick that landing?
01:44Yeah.
01:45You look good as a small Asian woman.
01:49I think it's from your office.
01:50Huh.
01:52No, it's from James, my ex-boyfriend.
01:56He sent my stuff back.
01:57All the little reminders that I purposefully left at his house
02:02have now been returned to me.
02:06Now, that's kind of a kick in the nuts.
02:10That is the move of a true breakup master.
02:12No CDs hitting you in the head.
02:14No chicks doing little chick punching.
02:18Yeah.
02:19This is definitely how I'm going to break up with my first girlfriend.
02:24Dude, enough.
02:25All I'm saying is if she was remotely good in bed,
02:27he would have delivered the box himself
02:29so he could hit that one more time.
02:30Ow!
02:32What the heck was that?
02:34My chick punch.
02:36I can't be anything without you.
02:48He mailed you the box?
02:50Oh, that is the work of a breakup master.
02:55So I've heard.
02:56Why did I date the breakup master?
02:58Why can't I meet the relationship master?
03:01Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
03:02So did you open the box?
03:05No, it's too painful.
03:07The only way I'd be able to do that
03:08is if I got plastered first,
03:09but I can't do that
03:10because apparently that's bad for the baby.
03:14Mama loves you.
03:19James.
03:19Uh, yes, Bob, uh, I understand your point of view.
03:29There's nothing in your ear.
03:31I, uh, had a chip installed.
03:36I got your lovely box.
03:38So we're good.
03:38Great.
03:39I'm just glad that douche is out of her life
03:44with his car and his man tan
03:45and his package delivery service.
03:48Um, Zach,
03:49you are right down the hall from her.
03:51And you're a good guy.
03:53And she's having your baby.
03:55And bang,
03:56just like that,
03:57he's married!
03:57Oh, come on,
04:00that, that is insane.
04:02No, it's not.
04:03You know why?
04:04Because it happened to my cousin Earl.
04:05Oh, I heard that dude was a player.
04:10Was.
04:11You want to know what he plays with now?
04:13His kids.
04:15Guys, guys,
04:16don't stress him out.
04:17She's not going to try to marry him.
04:19She's just going to mold him
04:21into a boring, funless drone
04:24whose sole purpose in life
04:25is to accompany her
04:26to the fabric store.
04:29I mean,
04:29Shark Week?
04:30That's canceled.
04:31Peeing in the sink?
04:32Finished.
04:34I mean,
04:35she's going to have your balls
04:36in a bear truck.
04:40But other than that,
04:41you are all good.
04:44I wonder if James
04:45is already dating someone else.
04:48Maybe she needs the drawer.
04:49She probably has a lot of stuff.
04:52You guys are great.
04:53It's going to be okay.
04:57You know what?
04:58You're right.
04:59Because in all romantic comedies,
05:00the heroine starts out
05:01in a very bad place.
05:03Like in Ghost,
05:03Demi Moore's,
05:04her fiancé was killed.
05:05Or in 51st States,
05:06Drew Barrymore had a head injury.
05:08In Pretty Woman,
05:09Julie Roberts was a frickin' hooker.
05:11The worse it is at the beginning,
05:13the happier the ending.
05:14The gentleman over there
05:15sent to a drink.
05:16Oh, my God.
05:19Chills.
05:20I had a terrible day.
05:21I got the box,
05:22but now I'm moving ahead
05:23and a guy sent me a drink,
05:24which I can't have.
05:25But still.
05:29Holy yes, Batman.
05:34I'm going to unbutton this button
05:35and go over and thank him.
05:37What?
05:37No, put those away.
05:40What if he asks you out?
05:42You're saying it wrong.
05:44What if he asks you out?
05:45It's settled.
05:48I'm going in.
05:56Oh, look at her go.
05:59She's giving him a number.
06:01Here, toss.
06:02Here, toss.
06:04And walk away.
06:06And he asks me out.
06:12Evie, get that snarl off your face
06:15and laugh like I just said something funny.
06:18Are you at least going to tell him
06:19you're pregnant?
06:25At some point,
06:26if you don't shut up,
06:27I'm going to strangle you.
06:30I would really like to see that.
06:35What about Zach?
06:36Are you at least going to tell him
06:37you're going to start dating?
06:39Of course.
06:43Now I am.
06:46Do it with your top off.
06:51I've delivered a lot of bad news that way.
06:53I've got some bad news.
06:56I, uh,
06:57slept with your best friend.
07:00Well,
07:01your iPod fell down the toilet.
07:02We closed the Chili's
07:07next to the office.
07:10Zach,
07:11do you have a minute?
07:15There comes a time
07:16in every pregnant woman's life
07:18when
07:19she has to ask herself,
07:23would Zach be uncomfortable
07:25if I started dating people?
07:26Wow.
07:29No.
07:30I did not
07:31see that coming.
07:34So,
07:35you're okay with it?
07:36Yeah.
07:36Look at you
07:37bouncing back from the box
07:38and in a way
07:38I did not expect.
07:41Yeah,
07:42look at you
07:42dealing with this
07:43in a way
07:43I did not expect.
07:46Because this is working
07:47like a well-oiled machine.
07:49A baby-making
07:51but in a platonic relationship
07:52well-oiled machine.
07:56So,
08:00I've never dated
08:01a lawyer before.
08:03You gonna put me
08:03on the stand?
08:05I'll put you
08:06wherever you want.
08:10Okay.
08:12I'm really glad
08:13I sent that drink over.
08:14I'm having a great time.
08:16Me too.
08:19So,
08:19John,
08:20what if you
08:24are watching a movie
08:25about an incredibly
08:27handsome lawyer
08:27out on a date
08:29with a witty
08:29effervescent movie critic
08:31and all of a sudden
08:32she says,
08:33I'm pregnant.
08:36You'd watch that,
08:37right?
08:40Are you
08:41pregnant?
08:43Teeny tiny bit.
08:47Were you
08:48pregnant when we met?
08:50Not as much.
08:51So,
08:55he reacted
08:56very badly
08:57to the fact
08:57that I was
08:58pregnant.
08:59How badly?
09:00Well,
09:00he was so anxious
09:01to leave
09:02he walked
09:02into a glass door.
09:04Which was funny,
09:06but
09:06Zach is with
09:15a girl
09:15on my couch
09:16and apparently
09:17she's telling him
09:18bad news
09:18because her top
09:19is off.
09:19Hello.
09:31Hey.
09:32Hey.
09:33I'm Heather.
09:34I'm your hostess
09:35over at Zach's restaurant.
09:36I saw you
09:37the other night.
09:38Um,
09:38table 32.
09:40Yes!
09:40Yes!
09:41I didn't recognize you
09:42without your name tag,
09:43which is normally
09:44on your top.
09:46Zach,
09:47can I see you
09:47in the kitchen
09:48about some
09:48important kitchen
09:49topics?
09:55What's up?
09:56Well,
09:56what are you doing?
09:57I'm on a date.
09:58Dates happen
09:59outside the home.
10:00When you have money.
10:04Are you sure
10:05you're okay with this?
10:06Because you're not
10:07acting like half
10:08of a well-oiled machine.
10:09I am!
10:09What do you want me to do?
10:10Help you get her pants off?
10:11Is that a real question?
10:16No!
10:20Okay,
10:20okay,
10:21look,
10:21we'll just stay
10:21out of the living room,
10:22all right?
10:23I just need to know
10:24something.
10:25Does it bother
10:26this girl at all
10:26that I'm about
10:27to have your baby?
10:29No,
10:29that's what's
10:30so great about this.
10:33She thinks it's cool
10:34I'm sticking around,
10:35so thanks to you
10:36I'm like a hero.
10:37Glad I could help.
10:43So,
10:44how'd it go
10:44with the
10:45ho-ho hostess cupcake?
10:47Did you get
10:47to the creamy center?
10:50Very subtle,
10:51dude.
10:53Well,
10:53I took her back
10:54to my room
10:54and then,
10:55you know how
10:56it's gonna be
10:56the nursery
10:56with the bears
10:57on the wall?
11:07So you're saying
11:35the bears talked
11:36you out of it.
11:38Okay,
11:38first of all,
11:39I didn't say
11:39they talked
11:40and it was
11:40just that one bear.
11:43The other one
11:44was kind of cool.
11:45Weren't you listening?
11:46Did you eat
11:46one of those
11:46special brownies
11:47I left in the freezer?
11:50They're not
11:50in the freezer.
11:52You're making
11:52them right now.
11:57Excuse me,
11:58Time and Space Police.
12:02I don't know,
12:03man,
12:03everything in the nursery
12:05reminds me
12:05I'm gonna be a dad
12:06and what can I say?
12:07I just didn't
12:07want to do it in there.
12:08So take her
12:09to your van.
12:10I love having
12:10sex in your van.
12:16Okay,
12:16how's this
12:16for my online
12:17dating profile?
12:19Slightly pregnant
12:20woman seeks mate.
12:23For the record,
12:24I objected
12:24this whole thing.
12:25This whole thing.
12:25Hey,
12:26how about this one?
12:26Okay.
12:27Single mother-to-be
12:29likes to dance.
12:30And I think
12:31any guy
12:32who would want
12:32to go out
12:33with a pregnant woman
12:33is gonna be weird.
12:35And you should
12:36listen to me
12:36because I'm your sister
12:37and I'm the only one
12:38here in a mature,
12:39committed relationship.
12:41However,
12:42I will say
12:42that headline
12:43is adorable.
12:44Yay!
12:45And done!
12:46And send it!
12:46Hey,
12:49do you have a knife?
12:50Yeah.
12:51Because apparently,
12:52not only is this box
12:53hard to open emotionally,
12:54it's also hard
12:55to open physically.
12:57Wow.
12:57That's a lot of knives.
12:58They're my chef's knives.
13:00What you doing?
13:02Looks like you're
13:03covering the bears.
13:04Yeah.
13:05You know those adult
13:06hotels that have
13:07those different rooms
13:08to have sex in?
13:09Like,
13:10the jungle room,
13:11the heart-shaped room,
13:12and then
13:12the mirrored room?
13:14Well, none of them
13:15have the nursery room.
13:16At least you've got
13:17some action.
13:18All I got was
13:19a handshake
13:20and a good luck
13:20with that.
13:22And it's hard to date
13:23when you're having
13:24a baby.
13:25Yeah, it sucks.
13:28This is a weird
13:29conversation, huh?
13:31Well, it's the first
13:32time I've had it.
13:33Ah, yes.
13:35Got it.
13:35Here's your knife.
13:36It's a little gluey.
13:38Yay.
13:43Want me to leave?
13:44No, please don't.
13:46This box contains
13:48the memories
13:48of the most meaningful
13:49relationship I've ever
13:50had.
13:51Yeah, well,
13:52just for the record,
13:53that guy's a giant douche.
13:57And go.
14:00And...
14:01open the box.
14:05See?
14:06That wasn't so bad.
14:08Ah, you're right.
14:09A couple of earrings.
14:12A half deodorant.
14:14Condoms?
14:16Oh, and minty floss.
14:22Holy crap.
14:23Sweet.
14:25These aren't mine.
14:27Douche.
14:30Good morning.
14:32Up or down.
14:36Come on down.
14:40So, when I got that box...
14:43Here we go.
14:45I was scared to open it,
14:47you know?
14:48Because I thought it was
14:49going to bring up all of
14:49these emotions and regrets.
14:51Like, maybe I made a huge
14:52mistake breaking up with you.
14:54But then, surprise!
14:57Another woman's underwear.
14:59Billy.
14:59I just want to know,
15:00did our relationship mean
15:01anything to you?
15:02Because if it did,
15:03you wouldn't have put
15:03another woman's underwear
15:04in my box.
15:12Can I get a word in here?
15:13Sure.
15:14Okay, first of all...
15:14No, I changed my mind.
15:15It doesn't matter.
15:17Because you know what
15:17I should be doing?
15:18Thanking you.
15:20Thanking you for saving me
15:21from a lifetime of finding
15:23other people's underwear
15:24in my boxes.
15:26For your information,
15:27I'm going on a date tonight
15:28with a man.
15:29Another man.
15:30A great man.
15:34They're yours.
15:37We bought them that day
15:38in Paris.
15:40Okay, how about...
15:43these?
15:45Whatever.
15:47I am, how do you say...
15:50tipsy.
15:51What do you think of me?
16:04I mean, it didn't work out
16:05between us,
16:05but I would never
16:06intentionally hurt you.
16:07You broke up with me.
16:10I guess...
16:12getting that stuff back
16:13just hit me harder
16:15than I realized.
16:16Hey, you want to turn to wear?
16:21Sure.
16:24Sue, awkward high five.
16:30I hope this date turns out
16:31to be all you're looking for.
16:33I have a good feeling about it.
16:37So, about my internet date...
16:39Um, he's married.
16:41And, on top of that,
16:42his wife's pregnant, too.
16:43And we have the same doctor.
16:45And I asked him to leave.
16:48Ah, just plop them both down here.
16:50And bring some ketchup, too.
16:52I don't want to say
16:53I told you so,
16:54but I told you,
16:55so goodbye.
16:56Wait, wait, wait.
16:57He ordered lobster and left,
16:58and you love this place.
16:59Come down here.
17:00I will take a pass on that.
17:03Why?
17:03You love lobster.
17:04Well, because,
17:05as I said earlier,
17:06I am in a healthy,
17:08mature relationship,
17:08and I am having sex
17:10with my husband right now.
17:11Okay, all right.
17:16Why did you answer the phone?
17:18Because I've entered
17:19several sweepstakes.
17:21Oh, okay.
17:22Okay.
17:36Hi, James.
17:43I feel bad about
17:44the elevator yelling,
17:45and I'm at that place
17:46we live on Fillmore.
17:48My date ended early
17:49for classy reasons.
17:52And I wanted to buy you a drink.
17:55Thank you for buying me
17:56the underwear,
17:57which turned out to be
17:57surprisingly breathable.
18:05Hey.
18:06Hey.
18:07What are you doing here?
18:08I thought you were on a date.
18:10I was.
18:11How'd it go?
18:13This van is great.
18:15And no bears.
18:20Anyway, Abby called,
18:21and she kept on saying,
18:22okay, all right,
18:24which was strange.
18:26But whatever.
18:27Um,
18:28I thought you might
18:28like some company.
18:29Is the gentleman joining you?
18:32Yeah, okay.
18:36So,
18:39your date left early.
18:44I gotta tell you,
18:45there's a reason why
18:46Julia Roberts was never
18:47pregnant and single
18:48in any one of her movies.
18:51Turns out it's a lot harder
18:52to overcome
18:53than being a hooker.
18:56Billy,
18:56don't worry about it.
18:59you are beautiful
19:01and you're funny
19:02and you got
19:02a cool job,
19:04awesome TV,
19:06insurance.
19:09You got would be lucky
19:10to have you.
19:12Well,
19:12in a stunning reversal,
19:13this has now become
19:14a good night.
19:14to more weird
19:21conversations
19:21and fewer boxes.
19:24Do you buy me
19:25a new knife?
19:26Yeah.
19:26Seriously,
19:27it's destroyed.
19:35You got two desserts?
19:37Shut up.
19:38Zach,
19:43how long
19:44am I supposed
19:45to wait in the van?
19:52This is some excellent
19:53food,
19:53pregnant lady.
19:56That's just
19:57because you're more
19:57baked than the food
19:58you're eating.
19:59No.
20:00No,
20:01you can tell
20:01this comes from
20:01a classy place,
20:02you know,
20:03like the kind of place
20:03that puts ice
20:04in the urinals.
20:05I love peeing
20:08on ice.
20:11It's like having
20:12laser heat eyes
20:13but with your pee.
20:17Did I say that thing
20:18about my pee out loud
20:19or just thinking?
20:23You just thought it.
20:26Wait a minute,
20:27how do you know
20:28that I asked you that?
20:30You asked us what?
20:35Are we talking
20:38right now?
20:40Seriously,
20:41can anyone hear me?
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