- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00So, Ed, I guess you decided to dance on the edge of the knife and go back to Starbucks.
00:06Did what you said.
00:08Ordered my coffee, gave him my name, and stepped to the side like the rest of the morons.
00:16You've come a long way.
00:18That is a far cry from threatening to shove a bean grinder up a barista's ass.
00:25I know, I know I'm late, but it's not my fault.
00:28I'm driving down the freeway and this jerk-off cuts right in front of me.
00:31Luckily, I drifted into the other lane and didn't hit the guy.
00:34Texting saved my life again.
00:37Well, hopefully you weren't wearing your seatbelt either.
00:40Because if you had hit the guy, you wouldn't have been able to fly through the windshield out of harm's way.
00:44Oh, douche.
00:48Anyway, I was argue texting with my mom.
00:50She's mad because another car insurance company dropped us because of all my accidents.
00:54I hate that stupid little lizard.
00:56You mean the gecko?
00:57No, my mom.
00:59But instead of calling her that, I took a moment, found my center, and turned off my phone.
01:04Guys, this is huge.
01:05This is bigger than huge.
01:08Kim Karkrashian kept her beamer on the road and didn't yell at her mom.
01:12Call Anderson Cooper.
01:14No, no, no, no, no.
01:17Lacey's restraint means that all four of you have gone 30 days without an anger outburst.
01:22It's a milestone.
01:22Can we get a cake?
01:24Maybe with a woman jumping out of it?
01:27That's not appropriate, Noah.
01:28You're right.
01:29What if it was an angry woman?
01:32But where would we find somebody like that?
01:36Angry.
01:36Cake-sized.
01:41Tell you what.
01:42Next session, if we've all kept it together, we'll have a little celebration.
01:46Some cake, a little champagne.
01:48Could we get a real big cake?
01:49You know, just in case somebody has a few glasses of champagne and a change of heart.
01:53I'm not promising anything, but me and champagne, stranger things have happened.
02:06You know that thing that you like so much?
02:08That was just a thing that they threw in with the thing that I bought.
02:12It was free.
02:13Well, then I don't feel bad about breaking it.
02:21Okay.
02:22I'm going now.
02:24Get off my bra.
02:28Hey, you want to go to a movie?
02:31Why?
02:32I don't know.
02:32I thought we'd hang out.
02:34Why now?
02:36Is it still early?
02:38No, I mean, why'd you ask me that now?
02:40Well, I was going to ask you during sex, but you and that thing were making so much noise.
02:45Yeah, no, tonight's no good.
02:47Sorry.
02:48Everything okay?
02:49No, everything's fine.
02:50I just have to do my patient write-ups, read a couple of psych articles, watch an episode
02:54of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.
02:57I love watching their faces when they hear their underwear crying and realize they're a mama.
03:03I feel like something weird just happened.
03:05That is what they say right before they look in their crying underwear.
03:10Okay, well, I will see you later.
03:19Hey, Charlie, I have to show you something.
03:22Jen.
03:23Oh, Kate, Kate.
03:25What are you doing here?
03:27Oh, Kate came by to help me.
03:30I was in the shower and my back went out again.
03:32Kate is also a certified massage therapist as well as a real therapist.
03:35She loves the therapies.
03:38See you tomorrow?
03:40Yep.
03:42Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
03:45It's actually great that you're here.
03:47I have to show Charlie something, but I would love your opinion as a gay woman.
03:52Oh, I'm sorry.
03:53Do you prefer lesbian?
03:55I know I do.
03:55I answered either.
04:01Check out Sam's Facebook page.
04:05Oh, man.
04:06It is weird to see her kissing a boy.
04:09It's even weirder to see it online.
04:11Now, that's a long-haired rocker dude, right?
04:13That's not a...
04:14And now I see why you're one of the lesbian here.
04:17Yes, Sam's kissing a girl.
04:21She might be gay.
04:22How do you want to handle this?
04:24Can't assume she's gay just because she's kissing a girl.
04:27Well, how old were you when you realized you were gay?
04:30I don't remember the exact moment.
04:32I just knew heterosexual sex was so disappointing.
04:38There had to be something better.
04:40Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up some drill bits at Home Depot,
04:47walk my rescue dogs, and meet another chick so we can move in together.
04:55What should we do, Charlie?
04:56We hear what Sam has to say.
04:58In the meantime, we Photoshop out the girl, put in Grandma,
05:03creepiest Christmas card ever.
05:04You know, Charlie, we're a lot alike, you and I.
05:11Not really.
05:12Your voice is a lot lower than mine.
05:14Aside from that, I mean, you help people through their problems.
05:18I help people through their problems.
05:20Except I live in my mom's trailer, and you live in...
05:24Where do you live, Charlie?
05:25You're looking for an address?
05:26It's not going to happen.
05:28There's going to come a night when you're going to beg me to go home with you.
05:32Okay, okay, but until then, let's have a few more years of this
05:35will-they-won't-they sexual tension.
05:40Hey.
05:40Hey.
05:42Glad you changed your mind about going to the movies tonight.
05:44Do you have time for a drink, or should we get going?
05:46No, let's grab a drink.
05:47It'll give you time to get to know Judy.
05:50You're taking this lesbian thing a little far.
05:53No, this is your movie date.
05:54Movie date?
05:55Yeah, I'm not going.
05:57Come on over and meet her.
05:58Excuse me.
05:59You called me and asked me out to the movies tonight.
06:02No, I specifically said, do you want to go to a movie tonight?
06:05I never said anything about me.
06:07I mean, the rest is just some elaborate fantasy world you've created.
06:11Okay, can we at least agree that nobody said anything about Judy?
06:14Come on, you're going to love her.
06:18Judy, this is Charlie.
06:19Charlie, Judy.
06:21Judy teaches film studies at UCLA.
06:23She knows trivia about every movie ever made.
06:25She's a perfect movie companion.
06:27Nice to meet you, Judy.
06:28Can you excuse us?
06:29Can you excuse us?
06:30A little-known film directed by Leo McCary starring Marie Dressler and a very young Charles Lawton.
06:35That's where this song, Kick It Up, Teacup, comes from.
06:38Academy Award Best Song, 1935.
06:42She was free tonight?
06:47What the hell are you doing?
06:48You asked me to a movie after sex.
06:51It obviously represented your symbolic need to cuddle.
06:53You're getting emotionally attached to me.
06:55And we don't want that.
06:57Ergo, Judy.
06:59Are you completely mental?
07:01No, Charlie.
07:02I'm reestablishing that we are not in a romantic relationship.
07:06We are friends.
07:07I'm your therapist.
07:08We have sex.
07:09I do not want things to get weird.
07:12I understand my relationship with you.
07:14I don't understand my relationship with Judy.
07:16So what, this whole thing is to prove some crazy point?
07:19No, it's not a crazy point.
07:20If we start an emotional relationship and it goes south,
07:23and I have counseled enough couples to know
07:25that whenever you get two people together, it never works,
07:28we will end up ruining our friendship
07:33and losing everything we have.
07:35Well, if we split up, you can get in custody of Judy.
07:38If I see one more sign that you are getting emotionally involved,
07:42it is over.
07:42It's over.
07:50Hey there.
07:53Hey there.
07:55A bright little film from 1947
07:57with Judy Canova and Joey Brown.
07:59That was the film debut of Pop Goes the Weasel.
08:05So, how do you know Kate?
08:06We met at a seminar in Buffalo.
08:09I used to be a patient.
08:10Obsessive-compulsive.
08:12But I'm much better now.
08:15Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight?
08:17Come out tonight, come out tonight.
08:20Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight?
08:22And dance for the night of the moon.
08:32Shouldn't she be here by now?
08:34And what time does the bus get here after school?
08:37Well, the straight bus gets here at 3.
08:38The lesbian one gets here at 3.30.
08:40It takes a long time to load all those golf clubs.
08:44Hey.
08:46We need to talk.
08:48Is grandma dead?
08:49No, she's still hanging on with her money.
08:54We just want to ask you about a picture we saw on Facebook.
08:58Oh my God, why are you looking at my Facebook page?
09:00Because until you're 18, we own you.
09:02And we can trade you with other parents.
09:06We have our eye on an honor student in your grade.
09:08Let's talk about this picture.
09:11Which one?
09:13The one of you kissing a girl?
09:15I was just trying to get Jake Slater to like me, and he didn't even notice.
09:19Sam, you don't just do things a boy wants you to do because he wants you to do them.
09:22Yeah, that can lead to a lot of things you don't want to do.
09:25Also known as my 20s.
09:27If a boy doesn't like you because you're straight, you just keep your chin up and be proud of who you are.
09:35Gets better, honey.
09:36Three pages each on what happened, how it started, and how this will never happen again.
09:54I'll like that by Monday, when our 30-day no-anger calendar starts again.
09:59Patrick started it.
10:01All I asked was if maybe you had borrowed that sweater from a person without a home.
10:07I wasn't judging.
10:12For what it's worth, I'd like to say this.
10:15I sincerely regret bringing up the Palestinian situation.
10:24Best party ever.
10:26Yo, yo, what the hell happened here?
10:32We were celebrating 30 days of no-anger incidents.
10:35What happened to the cake?
10:36Actually, if you pour plaster in it, you get a perfect mold of Nolan's face.
10:41Do you mind helping me clean up?
10:42I could.
10:44Or we could leave it like it is and go to a movie,
10:47and then after we come back, you can clean it up by yourself.
10:51Movie sounds great, but I can't.
10:53Apparently it would mean I have some symbolic need to cuddle with you.
10:56Hey, hey, hey, man.
10:57If you don't want to go, don't go.
10:59I just wanted to see Adam Sandler get hit in the nuts.
11:05Am I crazy?
11:06I asked Kate to go to a movie, and she said because it was right after sex that I had feelings for her.
11:10Well, you do, don't you?
11:12I mean, this whole friends with benefits thing is really about two people in denial.
11:15Oh, absolutely not.
11:17Kate and I know exactly what we're doing.
11:19We are experienced psychologists who can handle the complexities of a non-emotional sexual relationship.
11:26Yeah, there's some denial here.
11:29So you do like her?
11:30Well, maybe, but it doesn't matter.
11:32She compartmentalizes love and sex.
11:35She doesn't get attached to the men she sleeps with, and she doesn't want a relationship.
11:38She's unlike any other woman you've ever met.
11:40But she has a bunch of jacked up, unspoken rules, and you broke one, right?
11:44Yeah.
11:44She's exactly like every woman I've ever met.
11:48My only move is to avoid anything that can possibly be construed as romantic.
11:52She said if I cross that line again, sex is over.
11:54It'll never work.
11:55I mean, the rules are unspoken, and the line is invisible.
11:58You know, I saw that on Star Trek.
12:00Your only hope is time travel.
12:04You're right.
12:05You're right.
12:05I need to go back in time to just before you walk through that door and lock it.
12:10You laugh, but there's an episode in the new Battlestar Galactica where the Cylons...
12:15Not a lot of second dates, huh?
12:16No, not a one.
12:20Mom, I'm home.
12:21I'll be right out.
12:23Oh.
12:24Hi.
12:28So what'd you end up doing last night?
12:31Went to the movies with some psycho.
12:32Psycho, 1960, directed by Alfred Hitchcock, starring Tony Perkins and Jenna Lee.
12:38I don't want to know.
12:40Has Sam said anything more about the Facebook pictures?
12:43No, no.
12:45Let go of it.
12:45It's over.
12:46I'm not so sure.
12:48You know how Sam got your nose and your hair and your eyes?
12:54Yeah.
12:55I think she might have gotten the gay from me.
12:58You're not gay?
12:59Somewhere on one of my old laptops, I have proof you're not gay.
13:03Charlie, when I was younger, I had an experience.
13:06I was goofing around with this other girl, and we'd had a couple of wine coolers, and we kissed.
13:12That doesn't mean you're gay, Jen.
13:14It just means you've discovered something that men have known for thousands of years.
13:17Booze makes chicks horny.
13:18Well, there's this other time.
13:22Do you remember Joe Chandler?
13:24Yeah, played third base.
13:25Well, one time you guys were out on the road.
13:27His wife Shauna and I got together, and we hooked up.
13:32Shauna Chandler with the thing with the...
13:34They were nice.
13:37Now, when you say you hooked up...
13:40We did it.
13:42And that's why I think I passed on my gay gene to Sam.
13:49Now you think you have a gay gene?
13:51With all the times I begged you to do it with another chick?
13:54Seriously.
13:56I might have really complicated Sam's life.
13:59Jen, you had a fling.
14:00The worst thing that happened is she inherited your fling.
14:04That doesn't make sense.
14:05Exactly.
14:07I know why you don't want me to be gay.
14:09Because that'd be embarrassing.
14:11It means that you couldn't satisfy me.
14:13That's completely ridiculous.
14:15Anytime I wanted to satisfy you, I did.
14:17And the rest of the time, George Clooney brought me home.
14:19Maybe I am overreacting.
14:25Maybe what threw me was how much I really enjoyed kissing her.
14:29It was very intimate.
14:31Hey, I think kissing's more intimate than sex.
14:33It fools you.
14:35That's why people shouldn't kiss.
14:37Unless they want to show an emotional connection.
14:39I guess that's why hookers don't kiss.
14:42You're bi-curious.
14:43You understand hookers.
14:45If I didn't know how this ends, I would ask you out.
14:50Hi.
14:51How was your day, doctor?
14:52It's about to get much better.
14:54Whatever you call a person with a master's degree.
14:57Master will do.
14:59You wish.
15:08What are you doing?
15:10Why won't you kiss me?
15:12Well, it all started with the movie thing.
15:14I started thinking about what you said about us
15:16not getting too emotionally involved,
15:18and I think that kissing might be part of the problem.
15:21I don't care if you kiss me.
15:25Well, good.
15:26It gets a little confusing.
15:28A lot of people feel something when they kiss somebody
15:30and we can't have that.
15:34All right.
15:34Fine.
15:35New kissing it is.
15:37Let's get to it.
15:42Stop.
15:42What?
15:45It's weird.
15:46It feels like we jumped to the middle.
15:49They're going to be okay.
15:50They're going to be a great time, Samer.
16:00Stop.
16:01Nope.
16:02Not working.
16:04I need a beginning.
16:05I need an amuse-bouche before the filet mignon.
16:09My bouche is not amused.
16:12It's all right.
16:13Give it a minute.
16:14We'll get you there.
16:15It's okay.
16:15You okay?
16:29I'm sorry.
16:30I don't know what's wrong.
16:31This has never happened to me before.
16:33It's okay.
16:34It's fine.
16:35Happens to a lot of women.
16:39We'll try again a little bit.
16:41Maybe you could drink some water.
16:43You know, to wet your whistle.
16:48Don't they make products for this kind of thing?
16:50I have a vagina for this sort of thing.
16:52And it usually works.
16:55I think it's the kissing.
16:57I need it to get aroused.
16:59Somewhere in my twisted psyche,
17:01I've tangled up romance and sex.
17:06Okay.
17:07If you need it, I'll do it.
17:09Don't you need it?
17:13Crap.
17:15You don't need it.
17:19You want to talk about this?
17:20No.
17:21Obviously, I'm coming down with something,
17:23and I think you should leave.
17:24Okay.
17:25But it'll just take a minute for things to settle down.
17:29Oh, hey.
17:30That look just took care of it.
17:31My problem is,
17:36this woman I've been writing to for the last five years
17:38wants a commitment.
17:40Well, good for you, Ernesto.
17:41You got a girlfriend.
17:42Charlie, I don't want a girlfriend.
17:44I don't want to be tied down, honey.
17:46You're in prison.
17:49You're going to be here for the next 20 years.
17:51What if I want to write to another woman?
17:55Appendorship is hot.
17:57But sometimes,
17:59a guy just wants to see a strange envelope.
18:04It's true.
18:05You show me a letter with beautiful handwriting,
18:07I'll show you a guy who's tired of reading it.
18:11What is it with women?
18:12All they want is a commitment.
18:14You know?
18:14Well, sometimes it's more complicated than that.
18:17There are women out there who don't want commitment.
18:18There are women out there
18:20who don't want any emotional involvement.
18:22There are women out there
18:23who are so afraid of commitment
18:24and emotional involvement,
18:25they say all they want is sex.
18:27I'll bet she keeps it real nice down there, too, honey.
18:34I think it's a good time to mention
18:36that when I bring up examples of people,
18:38I'm not talking about a specific person
18:40you can track down when you get out.
18:43Charlie, I think there is a specific person.
18:46And it sounds like you need to say something to her.
18:48Sometimes you've got to tell a person how you feel
18:51before they feel safe to say what they feel.
18:54Well, I think that's a good lesson
18:55for all of us to remember.
18:56You know another good lesson?
18:58Never cook meth in a Walmart.
19:02Sound advice, Wayne.
19:04We don't want to put all those
19:05mom-and-pop meth labs out of business.
19:10I'm glad you decided to keep your appointment, sir.
19:13This is therapy.
19:14You're my therapist.
19:16We keep things separate.
19:18So, what would you like to talk about?
19:21I'm having problems with my best friend.
19:23Charlie.
19:24Not you.
19:25I got a lot more friends than you.
19:27Go on.
19:28I'm also sleeping with this best friend.
19:30Charlie.
19:31Not you.
19:32I sleep with a lot of my friends.
19:34I've also got this therapist with a huge ego.
19:37Charlie.
19:37Not you.
19:38Okay, that was you.
19:42But what I really came to talk about is
19:44what I might be feeling.
19:46All humans have feelings.
19:48You have feelings, too?
19:49Well, I am a human, am I not?
19:52I'll reserve my answer on that.
19:54Although that is what a cyborg would say.
19:57All right, come on.
19:57Let's cut through all the clinical crap
19:59and talk about what we might be feeling.
20:01Sure.
20:02We could do that.
20:03And it may lead to the miracle of love
20:06and unicorns dipped in magic.
20:09Or the end of our friendship and sex
20:11and everything we currently know and share.
20:15Or we could slightly modify our relationship.
20:20And I could agree to go to the movies with you
20:23and you could agree to kiss me.
20:28How long do I have to decide?
20:31I mean, I already did,
20:32but I don't want to seem impulsive.
20:34Movies and kissing, final answer.
20:36I think we can handle this, don't you?
20:38Yes, I do.
20:40I think all of our years of psychological training
20:41has brought us to this moment.
20:45May I kiss you now?
20:47You may.
20:53Ow!
20:54Ow!
20:57Yeah!
20:57I'm ready.
21:19I'm ready.
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