- 2 days ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Jim, would you please tell the girls to finish their cereal?
00:06We're running late for school.
00:08Girls, finish your cereal.
00:10You don't like it.
00:12Put some sugar on it.
00:30Okay, are you girls ready to go?
00:39Yeah!
00:40Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy! Bye, Daddy!
00:46Jim?
00:47Well, thanks.
00:51Yeah!
00:54Oh, good.
01:00Geez, Jim, why don't you just buy a new one?
01:05What do they cost, like 80 bucks now?
01:08Yeah, well, that's 80 bucks they'll be collecting interest in a kid's college fund.
01:12Honey, you never started a college fund for the kids.
01:15I'm waiting to see which one's the smart one.
01:20Okay.
01:21Okay.
01:30Better.
01:37Danny, do you want to come to dinner on Saturday night?
01:39Our little brother is bringing his new girlfriend.
01:42Oh, great.
01:43When did Andy get a girlfriend?
01:45He didn't tell you.
01:47What do you guys talk about at work?
01:48Well, stuff.
01:50You know, like we found a thumb on the work site the other day?
01:52We still talk about that.
01:53Well, Andy is dating Ruby's piano instructor, Alicia.
02:01When did Ruby start taking piano lessons?
02:04Honey, where do you think she's been going every Saturday for the past month?
02:09Out.
02:11There.
02:12You know.
02:13Why are we peeing for piano lessons?
02:15I was going to teach her how to play.
02:17Oh, yeah, like you were going to potty train her.
02:19Anybody can pee sitting down.
02:21Just wait till you see me with the boy.
02:26No hands.
02:27No.
02:28In the snow.
02:33Writing his full name.
02:38Now that takes lessons.
02:42Do you mind if I bring somebody to dinner?
02:46Really?
02:47His name is Dr. Josh Nelson.
02:50He's a cardiopulmonary surgeon.
02:52A doctor?
02:53Since when?
02:55What, she didn't tell you?
02:56What are you guys talking about on the phone?
02:59You.
03:01Really?
03:01Yeah, fewer shoes.
03:04Anyway.
03:05I finally found a straight, single, successful man.
03:09A man with ambition.
03:11And I don't mean how many donuts he can eat without throwing up.
03:15Seventeen.
03:16Seventeen.
03:16Seventeen.
03:20Oh, that's really good, really.
03:39Alicia's teaching style is so unique.
03:42I don't think of myself as a teacher.
03:44I'm more about watching the child's natural talent evolve on its own.
03:50So you're more like a $25 an hour babysitter.
03:56He's kidding.
03:57We love you.
03:58Honey, she just watches.
04:01You know what?
04:02Actually, it's time for dinner.
04:04So why don't we have the grown-ups in the dining room, kids in the kitchen.
04:07I want to eat with the grown-ups.
04:10I know, sweetie.
04:11Just fourteen more years.
04:12Yay!
04:15You know what?
04:15My date's going to be a few minutes late, so I'll just go wait outside for him.
04:19Dating a doctor.
04:23Ruby is so talented.
04:26Well, she probably gets it from me.
04:27I play the harmonica.
04:29Oh.
04:31Yeah, like in jail.
04:36Yeah.
04:36Yeah, it's kind of hard to hide a piano during a strip search.
04:40Alicia, why don't you sit over there, away from Jim?
04:49So, I hope everyone brought their appetite, because Cheryl cooked like half a cow.
04:54Actually, I'm a lacto-vegetarian.
04:58Oh.
04:59I thought you people killed yourselves because a spaceship was coming.
05:05Ouch!
05:07No, we just don't eat meat or eggs.
05:10It's not a cult.
05:12Well, do you believe in God?
05:14Of course I believe in her.
05:15God is not a girl.
05:25How do you know?
05:26Because God is a boy's name.
05:32Alicia, I don't want you to worry.
05:34And you told us you were a vegetarian, so the girls and I made you a five-peen harvest loaf.
05:39I think I'll have some of that, too.
05:42I've been a vegetarian for three weeks now, and I've never felt better.
05:47Really?
05:48So those five Slim Jims today, that didn't count?
05:56More, please.
05:57I'm sorry, honey.
06:03I fell off the wagon, but I've been clean now since 2... 4.30.
06:12Hi, everybody.
06:14This is my date, Dr. Josh Nelson.
06:19Actually, Josh is fine.
06:20Okay, Dr. Josh.
06:25Excuse me.
06:27Ooh, big accident on the Eisenhower.
06:31Looks like Mr. Louder's going to get his heart after all.
06:34Oh, well, I guess I'm going to have to get used to this.
06:40My apologies.
06:41It was really nice meeting all of you.
06:43Oh, yeah, be sure.
06:44Bye.
06:47So, what do you think?
06:50Guy's got wives all over the place.
06:52Hey, do you guys want to come over tomorrow and watch the Bears game?
06:59Oh, honey, please.
07:01I mean, vegetarians don't sit around and watch football on Sunday.
07:06They're probably out dancing around a pole praying to a cabbage or something.
07:10Actually, Jimbo, I'm a huge football fan.
07:18Jimbo?
07:20Honey, honey, look.
07:21There's some grizzle over there you missed.
07:23You might want to grab it.
07:25See, see, Jimbo.
07:29Alicia's from Wisconsin.
07:34I'm a Packers fan.
07:40In my house?
07:42Guess what's for dessert?
07:43Actually, Andy's been watching the Packers games with me, and I think he's starting to warm up to them.
07:56I've just been checking them out, looking at a few brochures.
07:59You know, seeing what they're all about.
08:03You're dead to me.
08:04You're dead to me.
08:13What?
08:18What do they do now?
08:20You know, Jim, Alicia is Andy's first girlfriend since Carrie.
08:24And your behavior tonight was embarrassing.
08:27You can only embarrass yourself.
08:29And you should know.
08:32What about you?
08:34Interrupting me and giving me looks and stuffing bread in my mouth with no butter?
08:40If I didn't do that, you'd be...
08:44I'd be fine, honey.
08:46And you'd be out of a job.
08:49Come on, I can take care of myself.
08:51I'm not Ruby or Grace.
08:52I know.
08:53They have manners.
08:56Do you know that Packer fan ate the centerpiece?
09:00We all ate the centerpiece, Jim.
09:02It's called the salad.
09:07Honey, she was a guest in our home,
09:09and now she thinks you're a big jerk.
09:13I don't give a rat's ass what Andy's girlfriend thinks of me.
09:18I mean, that's more important to you.
09:20You're the one that cares.
09:22Everybody cares.
09:24Everybody cares?
09:25You're so obsessed with this people liking you.
09:28Jim, when you're rude, it reflects on me,
09:30and we both reflect on Andy.
09:32Yeah, well, when you kick me, it reflects on you,
09:35and it hurts me.
09:36All right, I hear you.
09:39You want me to back off?
09:41Yeah, let's try that for a change.
09:43Let's just let Jim be Jim.
09:47Okay, honey.
09:48If that's what you want, you got it.
09:50Fly, little meat-filled birdie.
09:52Fly.
09:53Hey, guys.
10:03Hey, Andy.
10:05What's that bacon?
10:10Sweet mother of God, that tastes good.
10:14Hey, I thought you were a vegetarian now.
10:17Alicia and I broke up last night.
10:19I'm taking it out on the animals.
10:21Bears, Packers.
10:25Bears.
10:25There you go.
10:28Hey, Ruby, enough with the twinkle-twinkle.
10:30How about some little star?
10:33Oh, Andy, I'm so sorry about you and Alicia.
10:36What happened?
10:38She found a turkey leg and a baggie taped to the back of the toilet tank.
10:43You know, like the gun in The Godfather.
10:52As far as I'm concerned, Andy, you just dodged a big, fat five-beam bullet.
10:58Oh.
10:59Jim, they just broke up.
11:01No, no, Dana.
11:02We're not doing that anymore.
11:04What are we doing?
11:05We're going to just let Jim be Jim.
11:10You're welcome.
11:11Oh, come on, Andy, be real.
11:13I mean, Alicia was a controlling pain in the butt.
11:16You know, looking for some schmo she can push around, you know?
11:20Am I right?
11:21I guess.
11:22I mean, some little boy she can mold into some freak vegetarian Packer fan, right?
11:28Yeah.
11:29I mean, you're not some she-god-loving little boy.
11:32You're a man.
11:34Yeah.
11:34A meat-eating bears-loving man.
11:37My name's Andy, and I love bacon.
11:41Now, you see that, Cheryl?
11:43You see that?
11:45Will you stop censoring me?
11:46I can take a man whose spirit is broken, whose heart is shattered,
11:50and make them not that way.
12:01Okay, you see here, Curly, he's going to make breakfast for Larry and Moe.
12:06But pay special attention to the pancake syrup.
12:10It's really glue.
12:12Moe is going to be really pissed.
12:15Hey, sweetie.
12:16Hi, baby.
12:17How is your piano lesson?
12:19Good.
12:19Andy.
12:21Hey, where are you going?
12:23It's a Curly.
12:26No, thank you, James.
12:28Goodbye, James.
12:29What's with the James?
12:32Uh-oh.
12:33This formal guy is mad at you.
12:37What did I do?
12:39Alicia and I have chosen to resume our relationship.
12:41And in light of certain opinions you expressed about m'lady,
12:46I no longer feel at ease in your presence.
12:51Oh, Andy, I was just trying to pump you up when you were down.
12:54No matter.
12:56From this day forth, I shall work with you,
12:58I shall be in the band with you,
13:00and I shall borrow money from you.
13:03But that's it.
13:05Andy, come on.
13:06Let's talk about this.
13:08Cheryl, you're my sister, and I love you,
13:11but I just can't be here anymore.
13:13Now, if you'll excuse me,
13:14I have to go pick up some...
13:17tofu.
13:18Good day to you, my lord.
13:22Andy...
13:22I said good day!
13:27You see, Jim?
13:29What?
13:31Andy, hold on!
13:35Just for the record,
13:36I want you to know that he's on your mother's side of the family.
13:48So, Alicia takes us to this great kosher vegetarian restaurant
13:52called Soy Ve.
13:53Huh?
13:54And Andy bets that he can stump the sitar player.
13:57So, Dr. Josh picks Little Red Corvette,
14:00which is funny because he drives a Lexus.
14:03Oh!
14:05We laughed and laughed.
14:09Oh, wait, Dr. Josh was there?
14:13Barely.
14:14He was giving CPR to the maitre d'.
14:17You see, Jim,
14:20one of Andy's sisters gets to go out with him and his girlfriend
14:23and share in his newfound love and happiness.
14:25The other one is married to you.
14:30Well, here's another way to look at it.
14:32Where's the pretzels?
14:35Oh, come on, honey.
14:36I'm sick of this.
14:37I've invited Andy and Alicia over three times this week,
14:40and he keeps making lame excuses.
14:43Oh, honey, who cares?
14:44I do!
14:45You see, this is what happens when I let Jim be Jim.
14:50You know, honey, you don't have to say everything that comes into your mind.
14:53Well, I'm holding something back right now.
14:58Oh, honey, would you talk to Andy for me?
15:01Why?
15:02I didn't do anything wrong.
15:03Typical macho guy.
15:06You know, I think deep down,
15:08little Jim is dying to communicate with little Andy.
15:12You know, you and I have very different ideas
15:15of who little Jim is.
15:17I got some pretzels.
15:34Hey, is Andy coming or what?
15:36I don't know.
15:38I insulted his woman.
15:40Apparently, you don't do that now.
15:42One, two, three, four.
15:56Hey, Willie, Ed, Joe.
15:59Harmonica guy.
16:02Sorry I'm late,
16:03but my overbearing, Packer-loving girlfriend had a flat.
16:07Well, great.
16:08You ready to play?
16:09I don't know.
16:12Is there something you want to say to me?
16:20Go to him, Jim.
16:33Hey.
16:35Hey.
16:36Um, yeah.
16:40You know?
16:41Sure.
16:43Pretzel?
16:44Ah, thanks.
16:48Okay.
16:49All right, let's get back to him.
16:50Oh, by the way,
16:51at least you and you are invited over to Sunday dinner.
16:54Ooh, not such a good idea.
16:56Oh, come on.
16:57I'll be nice.
16:58Jim, you're not the problem.
17:00Come on.
17:00He's always the problem.
17:04What's the problem?
17:06Cheryl.
17:07For some reason,
17:08Alicia doesn't like being around her.
17:11My Cheryl?
17:14Not me, Cheryl?
17:16Now, Alicia told me this in confidence.
17:18Promise me you won't tell Cheryl.
17:20I promise.
17:22You're going to tell her, aren't you?
17:26Oh, yeah.
17:28One, two, three, four.
17:33All right.
17:34Well, well, well, well, I made up with Andy.
17:49Oh, honey, that's great.
17:52And I asked Alicia and Andy to come over for dinner on Sunday.
17:57Fantastic.
17:58But they're not coming.
18:02What did you do?
18:05I didn't do anything.
18:07It turns out, I'm not the one she doesn't like.
18:12Apparently, she doesn't like you.
18:20What?
18:20What?
18:21Yep.
18:21Not a fan.
18:22Did Andy say why?
18:27Nope.
18:27Just doesn't like you.
18:29Not her cup of tea.
18:31You rub her the wrong way.
18:32A thorn in her side.
18:33I did it!
18:38And it's fine.
18:40What do you want for dinner?
18:42Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
18:44Not so fast.
18:45First, I want to hear it.
18:47Hear what?
18:48I want to hear you say,
18:50Jim, you weren't the problem.
18:54I, Cheryl, was the problem.
18:56Not you, Jim.
18:59I, Cheryl, was the problem.
19:04Signed, Cheryl, le problem.
19:11Jim, I don't care what Alicia thinks about me.
19:14All that matters is that she likes Andy.
19:17That's what's important here.
19:22It is!
19:23What?
19:28Sometimes life tickles me.
19:33No.
19:35What?
19:36Oh, come on, Cheryl.
19:37You can't stand this.
19:40You're obsessed with being liked.
19:41You've always been like that.
19:43I have not.
19:45Oh, come on.
19:46You thought the romper room lady hated you
19:48because she never saw you through her magic mirror.
19:50Oh, she saw me.
20:00This is just eating you up inside, isn't it?
20:03No, it is not, you guys.
20:05I am fine with this.
20:09Really.
20:09Well, she said it so many times, she must be fine.
20:23Shut up!
20:23What?
20:39It's my kid.
20:40What do you care?
20:42Back down.
20:43Back down.
20:43Oh, come on, Grace.
20:56Let's go see Ruby.
20:57Go ahead.
20:58Oh, yay.
21:00Hi.
21:01Hi.
21:01Sorry I'm late.
21:02Oh, hey.
21:03Where's Dr. Josh?
21:04Oh, his grandma had chest pains and he went running.
21:07I'm coming, Granny.
21:09This is Chip.
21:12Oh.
21:12Chip works in the mail room at my office
21:14and he has all the time in the world for me.
21:16He drives a Corolla.
21:19Come on, there's this great bar I want to take you to on Ross Street.
21:22You're 21, right?
21:26Oh, Ruby, you were so awesome.
21:28You were like a teeny-weeny white Ray Charles.
21:33Music is a universal language and it speaks to our soul and we listen.
21:40I hate piano.
21:41Can I quit?
21:44Well, you know, it's okay with me, but you know who loves piano?
21:47Santa.
21:50Daddy, can I have a cookie?
21:52Oh, sure, baby.
21:53Why don't you both go get some cookies over there?
21:56All right, and fill up your pockets.
21:58We paid two bucks a seat.
21:59Oh, hey, there's Alicia.
22:03Why don't we go over there and tell her how good the performance was?
22:05Honey, no, no, not now.
22:06She's busy.
22:07She's talking to some other parents.
22:09Oh, I wonder why.
22:11Oh, it's because she likes them.
22:13Maybe she does.
22:14Honey, I told you, I don't care.
22:17I know, honey.
22:19Alicia, come on over here.
22:21I want to talk to you about the show.
22:23Oh, that recital was so great.
22:26Well, Ruby's a wonderful student.
22:28And she'll be even better when she kicks in with those other fingers.
22:32Well, she has a great teacher.
22:34Oh, well, we've got an advanced class coming up if you're going to be...
22:37Why don't you like me?
22:40Andy?
22:43Hey, look, an exit.
22:44Alicia, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable.
22:52And it's okay if you don't like me, really.
22:55I mean, I just kind of want to know, why don't you like me?
23:00Not that it means anything to her.
23:03I never said I didn't like you.
23:05I just said I didn't like being around you.
23:08God, splitting hairs here.
23:11Why?
23:12What's wrong with me?
23:14Well...
23:14Be honest.
23:17This is going to sound strange.
23:18It's...
23:19It's just...
23:20You're so...
23:22Perfect.
23:25Huh?
23:25I mean, you're this perfect mom with this great house and these terrific kids.
23:32And you're pretty and smart.
23:35And here I am, starting up a relationship with Andy.
23:37And I feel like you're the standard I'm being held up to.
23:41Let me get this straight.
23:43What you're really saying is, you like me too much.
23:49Guess I was just jealous.
23:51Well, you do realize that I'm married to him.
23:57Hey, how you doing?
24:01You know, the truth is, I am so not perfect.
24:04I mean, what you saw was an isolated little slice of my life.
24:09Right before you guys came, I was in ratty sweats,
24:11humming my daughter's dress with a stapler.
24:14Thank you for telling me that.
24:15It's true.
24:16I feel a lot better.
24:17Well, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go ruin the rest of Andy's day.
24:26I want to hear you say it.
24:30Say what?
24:31Say, you, Cheryl, are not the problem.
24:35You, Cheryl, are in fact delightful.
24:41Signed, Jim, the jackass.
24:44I'm not signing that.
24:47Oh, honey, do you know that every time a husband is wrong, an angel gets its wings?
24:52Okay, honey, you're perfect, and I'm the him, and what's she doing with him?
25:02Oh, honey, don't worry.
25:05Someday, somewhere, someone won't like me.
25:08Oh, yeah, and the apes will rule the planet, blah, blah, blah.
25:13Come on, let's go.
25:14How come everything always ends with apes ruling the planet?
25:18Well, all they need are their thumbs, honey.
25:20Hey, speaking of thumbs, did I tell you I found one at work?
25:23Yeah.
25:23Oh, yeah, and the apes will rule the planet.
25:25Oh, yeah, and the apes will rule the planet.
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