- 20 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, I can't do another office party.
00:09I've already slept with everyone here.
00:12Oh, yeah.
00:16Olivia, focus. James is coming soon.
00:18Does this post say, I'm over you, but I'll take you back?
00:23No, you just need to perk up your nipples.
00:30It's painful.
00:33Fine, I'll do it.
00:36Look, I am on a mission.
00:38When James sees me, I want him to realize he made a horrible mistake in Paris.
00:45Okay.
00:46Two more steps.
00:50And...
00:50Oh, beautiful heights.
00:55Romantic heights.
00:56Oh, my God, it's the Eiffel Tower.
00:58Please, it's the Eiffel Tower.
01:01Oh, my God, it's a bag.
01:04It's our three-year anniversary, so...
01:06I do.
01:08You do what?
01:08I do really want to open the bag.
01:13It's candy.
01:16So do I bite into it and find something else?
01:20Yeah.
01:21A pecan.
01:24It's marzipan.
01:25In the shape of a camera, because you're a film critic.
01:28The best one at my newspaper.
01:30What did you think it was going to be?
01:31Yeah, yeah, I believe it is.
01:35That.
01:37That.
01:38No.
01:39No, I don't do that.
01:41Look, when we started dating, I told you I never wanted to get married again.
01:44And you said, oh, my God, do you own this plane?
01:48Lots of people say they're never going to do things, and then they do them.
01:51Like in Gone with the Wind, Scarlett O'Hara says she'll never go hungry again.
01:55But then she does.
01:56But we're not going to go hungry tonight because we have reservations at Le Crayon, he said.
02:01Changing the subject.
02:02I don't think I can change the subject.
02:06I want a partner.
02:07I want someone who actually stays for breakfast.
02:10I want someone who's there no matter what.
02:11I want to grow up.
02:13Fantastic sex and exotic locales was fine when I was 35, but I'm 36 now.
02:1737.
02:19Goodbye.
02:20Yeah, I love marzipan.
02:23Focus on the mission, because this is where I turn it all around, okay?
02:26He's going to walk in here, take one look at this, take one look at this.
02:29Realize he lost the best thing that's ever happened to him, maybe even cry a little, and
02:35beg me to come back.
02:36I don't think so.
02:37Why not?
02:38He's in the doorway with Kate Moss.
02:42Abort mission, abort mission.
02:46I can't be anything without you.
02:55I wonder if he'll marry Kate Moss.
02:57Abby, how come you never wonder what good things could happen to me?
03:01Because I'm your sister.
03:04I just think you should forget the handsome gajillionaires who also happen to be your boss.
03:09I mean, look how happy I am since I married Nick.
03:11And you know why?
03:12Because he is stable, well-balanced, supportive.
03:15Yes, Nick would make a good chair.
03:18Excuse me, he would make a great chair.
03:20Oh, listen, look around.
03:22You'll find somebody else.
03:23I get proposed to all the time.
03:25I may be married, no, I'm not entirely sure, but I do know that I cannot go back to Dubai.
03:30Yeah, that's you, Olivia.
03:32I watch movies for a living, so to me, the three stages of womanhood are Meg Ryan in Sleepless
03:37in Seattle, Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail, and Meg Ryan in the grocery store saying, no,
03:41really, I am Meg Ryan.
03:46Hey, excuse me.
03:47Can you help settle a bet between me and my buds?
03:49Well, that's kind of my mission in life.
03:51If you could be stranded on a desert island with one of us, which one would it be?
03:55Oh, well, that depends.
03:57I mean, how could each of you enhance my desert island experience?
04:00Do you have any special skills?
04:01Can you make a radio out of a coconut?
04:04No, but I can take coconut shells, wear them like a fake bra, and dance around like a little girl.
04:09Anybody can do that.
04:11He's right.
04:13You're out.
04:13Come on.
04:14Okay, which one of you two looks better with your shirt off?
04:18Wow, I love this game.
04:20And after we've been running around naked all day, we'll be hungry.
04:22And I can cook.
04:23I'm a chef.
04:24He had me at naked.
04:26Come on, dude, let's try on that girl who keeps reaching for a drink and missing.
04:29Yes, dibs.
04:31Dibs.
04:32I'm Zach.
04:33I'd like to buy you a drink.
04:34Oh, I'm Billy.
04:35You don't have to do that.
04:36Mojito, please.
04:38Perfect.
04:38You know, I bet my buds I could go a whole day eating and drinking, only things that end in toast.
04:43Mojitos, burritos, taquitos.
04:45I did that once, but with things that end in oni.
04:47Pepperoni, spumoni, calzone.
04:49But there wasn't a bet involved.
04:50My sorority was just full of bulimics.
04:53You're funny.
04:54And pretty.
04:55Okay.
05:00You're a really great dancer.
05:01Uh-huh, just another thing I bring to your desert island experience.
05:05Funny.
05:06Yeah, but I'm running out of charming.
05:07I think I have some more back in my apartment.
05:10And some homemade ravioli.
05:12What do you think?
05:14Absa-maybe.
05:14Give me a minute.
05:15Okay.
05:17Quicker.
05:18Quicker.
05:19Quicker.
05:20Oh, screw.
05:24Guys, the golden opportunity has just presented itself.
05:28I'm drunk.
05:28Look, I know this may sound nuts, but I'm thinking of going home with a guy who may be significantly
05:35younger than me, and I just need to know if the situation is empowering or desperate.
05:39Zero for 18.
05:41Empowering!
05:42So, to conclude our tour of the Burrow apartment, this is the spot where we eat, and, uh, that's
05:53the spot where we play Grand Theft Auto.
05:56I killed three hookers and robbed a bank this afternoon.
05:59It was very exciting.
06:00And that's just a spot on the floor.
06:04I call him Steve.
06:06You weren't kidding about having some charming back at the apartment.
06:10And you are a fantastic cook.
06:12Well, I am the second assistant to a semi-important sous chef.
06:16Basically, I boil things.
06:18But one day, I'm gonna have my own restaurant.
06:20Well, I'm making reservations now, because that was, like, the best thing I've ever eaten.
06:24What's for dessert?
06:24I know I set you up with that dessert line, and you were right to jump on that.
06:36But, um, I'm just not a one-night-stand kind of person.
06:40I just never do things like this.
06:42Yeah, but lots of people say they'll never do things, and then they do them.
06:54So this is the spot where we...
07:01Yep.
07:01Okay!
07:01Hey!
07:31What? That hooker's still moving.
07:46What was it like?
07:53Like eating candy.
07:55I love candy.
07:57What kind of candy?
07:59Yum candy.
08:00I'm not kidding.
08:01He smelled like a Skittle.
08:04I feel like I tasted the rainbow.
08:07The whole experience made me feel great about myself.
08:09My pores even look smaller.
08:11Oh, fantastic.
08:14I'm sure I'll never see him again.
08:15So what?
08:18I'm really glad you called me.
08:19Yeah, me too.
08:20Take off your top.
08:23This is endless.
08:26How much time is left?
08:28Was I supposed to be timing it?
08:32I was taking a picture of the back of my head in the mirror.
08:36Please pay attention.
08:37This is the most important moment of my life.
08:40Aw.
08:40Your first pregnancy test.
08:42That's adorable.
08:46Yay!
08:46Didn't you use condoms?
09:04I guess it turns out they're not 100% effective unless you actually take them out of your purse.
09:09Fairly, fairly, fairly.
09:11Always use a condom and an alias.
09:17Is it possible that you kind of got pregnant on purpose?
09:22I mean, maybe somewhere deep down inside you wanted this.
09:25You know what, Abby?
09:26This is just like when we were kids.
09:28You always think you know what I'm thinking.
09:30You always think you know exactly what I'm all about.
09:32The truth is, maybe you're right.
09:33Yes!
09:35I always wanted to be an aunt.
09:36Aunt Abby!
09:39So we're keeping it, then?
09:41Well, I'm a journalist.
09:43I ask the tough questions.
09:45If I don't do it now, I may never get another chance.
09:49Oh, my God!
09:50I'm going to have a baby!
09:51Hey!
09:53So how are you going to tell the baby, baby daddy?
09:57Can we please not call him that?
09:58Let's call him the father of my niece.
10:01I want a girl.
10:03But I finally had a boy toy.
10:06And I only got to play with him for a couple weeks.
10:08Now my boy toy got me pregnant when I tell him he's going to freak out.
10:13I broke my boy toy!
10:17I have got a ten-minute break.
10:19So what did you want to tell me?
10:21Zach, I'm pregnant.
10:25Zach?
10:28Zach, are you okay?
10:29Mm-hmm.
10:29Yeah.
10:29No, I was just all psyched because I thought you came here to do it in the alley,
10:32but it turns out you're pregnant.
10:34I don't know what to say.
10:35You don't have to say anything.
10:37You don't have to do anything.
10:38I just needed you to know in case years from now you need a kidney.
10:42So you'd have options.
10:45So I'm guessing this means we're done.
10:46So I'm going to go because I just saw a rat.
10:49Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
10:52You can't just say something like that and then walk away.
10:55I mean, this is kind of my baby too, right?
10:58Couldn't have done it without you.
11:00Well, then I want to be involved.
11:02Are you sure?
11:04Because I can do the rest without you.
11:07I mean, it's such a big responsibility and you're so young.
11:09Look, my dad walked out on me.
11:11And I used to think it was because I'd done something wrong, you know?
11:14I can't stand to think there'd be some little kid out there wondering why his dad didn't love him.
11:19I'm sorry.
11:20I hate your dad.
11:23We are not naming the baby after him.
11:25I want to be there for you, okay?
11:28And him.
11:30Or her.
11:31Or them.
11:31So what do we do now?
11:34That special breathing?
11:37It's a little early for that.
11:38Yeah, just making me feel better.
11:41I mean, I guess if you want, you can come with me to my first doctor appointment.
11:45I'll do better than that.
11:46I'll drive you there.
11:47You will?
11:48Yeah.
11:49Oh, my God.
11:51This is the sweetest, most perfect.
11:53I love you.
11:54What?
11:54What?
11:58So, do you drive a rent-a-van as some sort of a second job?
12:02I wish.
12:04No, I was only crashing at Davis's until his brother got out of prison.
12:07Well, when does he get out?
12:08Yesterday.
12:10Can't wait to meet him.
12:11Well, don't worry.
12:12I'll just sleep in the van.
12:13You're going to sleep in here?
12:14Well, not here.
12:16Back there, you know.
12:17It's nice.
12:18Except when I park on a hill.
12:20Well, lucky we live in San Francisco where there are no hills.
12:27You look pretty in that paper gown.
12:30Well, I feel pretty.
12:33Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.
12:35You do this all day?
12:36This is like robot porn.
12:37Yes, it is.
12:40Okay, Billy, your chart here says you're 37.
12:45You said you were 32.
12:47That was when I thought I was never going to see you again.
12:50There's the heartbeat.
12:52Oh, my God.
12:53And that is your baby.
12:57Wow.
12:58It's beautiful.
13:00It looks just like you.
13:02I know.
13:04I think you should stay with me.
13:06Temporarily.
13:07Until a couch opens up.
13:09Yeah, I don't know.
13:10I don't want to complicate your life.
13:12Why stop now?
13:12So, you're really going to let Zach move in?
13:20You're supposed to taste the rainbow, not let it live in your office.
13:23What is that supposed to do?
13:24Let the father of my child live in a van so he can be hacked up by some crazy drifter?
13:28He lives in a van?
13:29He is the crazy drifter!
13:34Dude, this place is sick.
13:37What's that?
13:39Normoire.
13:40What's that?
13:41Cake plate.
13:42What's that?
13:44Sconce.
13:45Sconce.
13:46Sweet.
13:47You're not going to knock me up, a cougar.
13:51Hello there.
13:53I prefer the term lynx or ocelot.
13:58Dude, she sounds like Shred.
14:02Where's the kitchen?
14:03Why can't Zach and Billy have a relationship?
14:08Look at Ashton and Demi.
14:09Oh, no, no.
14:10This is not a relationship.
14:12We're not having sex anymore.
14:15I'm a mother now.
14:16I have to do what a mother would do.
14:18And my mother never would have slept with him.
14:20Holy crap.
14:21You didn't tell Mom.
14:22Okay.
14:22Zach and I spoke.
14:28And he agreed.
14:29We just need to set boundaries.
14:34Uh-oh.
14:40Look, I like you a lot, but we talked about this.
14:43Remember our whole boundaries conversation?
14:46Yeah, but when you said, don't touch my stuff, I thought you meant like your soy milk in your computer.
14:51No, I meant don't touch my stuff.
14:56Okay, I got it.
15:03Yay, boundaries.
15:09I've made a horrible mistake.
15:11Technically, you've made a series of horrible mistakes.
15:13I feel this weird bond with Zach, which is probably just the hormones, but I have to think of my future, you know?
15:20I mean, I want a husband one day.
15:22One with a checking account and a toothbrush she acquired via purchase rather than dibs.
15:29I just can't believe how complicated everything got.
15:31This?
15:31Oh, this isn't complicated.
15:34What's going to be complicated is when you have to start telling people.
15:38Telling people what?
15:39Oh, hello, boss.
15:41Now, I was just...
15:42I was just involved.
15:43Yeah, of course.
15:45Oh.
15:51You look great.
15:52Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls.
15:55Oh, wait, you do.
15:57Oh, really, you're...
16:00You're glowing.
16:02Did you do something different?
16:03You have no idea.
16:08I thought about us a lot, and I think I'm ready.
16:14Ready?
16:16Now you're ready?
16:17I want us to go to the next level.
16:22Well, what's the next level?
16:25We could live together.
16:26What?
16:27Where?
16:28Sometimes at my place, sometimes at your place.
16:32That's not living together.
16:34It's not?
16:34I miss you.
16:38You should miss me.
16:40I'm fantastic.
16:42There are other men who realize that.
16:45Men who don't keep their emotions hidden like they're nuclear codes.
16:48Available.
16:49Mature men.
16:50It's getting more complicated.
16:51It's getting more complicated.
16:52What are you doing here?
16:55I thought I'd bring you lunch.
16:56I made you a spinach salad.
16:58It's full of iron.
16:58That'll be good for the...
16:59Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
16:59For the baby.
17:00What?
17:00Why doesn't anyone know what ba-ba-ba-ba-ba means?
17:04Baby?
17:04Yeah.
17:05She's having my baby.
17:06Cool, huh?
17:08Wait, who is this clown?
17:10I'm Zach.
17:11I'm the father.
17:12What?
17:12I've got to update my Facebook status.
17:16Wait a minute.
17:16Wait.
17:16You're having this punk's baby?
17:18What is this?
17:18Some desperate cry for help?
17:19Not desperate.
17:20It's empowering.
17:22Hey, who do you think you're talking to?
17:23Are you going to talk to somebody?
17:24You talk to me.
17:25Am I going to have to call security?
17:26Why, he can't handle me yourself, Grandpa?
17:28Oh, he's a fantastic.
17:30Yes.
17:30You should know that I know Krav Maga.
17:31Fine.
17:32Call him.
17:32I'll fight him, too.
17:33Is that James?
17:34Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
17:38What are you doing?
17:40There's no reason you should even care.
17:42I know I've screwed up a lot with you, but I've always cared.
17:50Are you going to eat that salad?
17:52Hey, roomie.
17:58Let me help you with that.
17:59Hey, surprise party.
18:03You met Davis and Ryan, and this is Shane.
18:06He just got out of prison.
18:08Not violent drug-related.
18:10Oh.
18:12Good.
18:12Does he babysit?
18:14Say hi to Billy, guys.
18:15Billy?
18:15Yes, the night is dropped by four.
18:16She doesn't look that old.
18:18Is that not okay that they're here?
18:21Because they were just helping you.
18:22No, that's fine.
18:22I just need to put these groceries away and maybe eat an entire sheet cake.
18:27Don't go in there.
18:28Oh.
18:29Are you freaking kidding me?
18:34What are you, walk around going Hulk hungry?
18:38It was an accident.
18:39But no worries.
18:40Shane thinks he can reattach it.
18:41He learned lots of handyman skills in the joint.
18:43Really?
18:44What is your problem?
18:45You.
18:46You.
18:46You.
18:47You pick me up in a bar.
18:49You call me again.
18:50You have some kind of crazy magic super sperm.
18:52You're like the worst one I'd stand in the history of time.
18:54Hey, right back at you, okay?
18:56I don't know how they did things in your day, but nowadays, girls say stuff like,
18:59Hey, dude, I'm not on the pill.
19:01In my day?
19:05This is still my day.
19:09It's not even lunch in my day.
19:12God, why did I let you move in?
19:14Let me move in?
19:15I don't need to be here.
19:16I was fine on my own.
19:17Oh, yeah, you were thriving.
19:18Why don't you just move back to your old place?
19:20It's parked right outside.
19:21Love to.
19:22Hey, Shawshank, you want to fix that fridge?
19:26I'm packing up your crap.
19:27No, I'm packing up my own crap.
19:34Oh, my God, a nursery.
19:39We painted it lavender because we didn't know what sex the baby is,
19:42and pink plus blue makes lavender.
19:46Shane did the bears.
19:50He's better at skulls, but we went with the bears.
19:53I mean, do you like it?
19:54We can paint it any color you want.
19:56It's wonderful.
19:57So, I'll just get my stuff.
19:58No, you can't.
19:59I mean, please don't.
20:00I really like what you bring to my apartment.
20:06You want me to stay?
20:08Yeah.
20:08I mean, you might want to keep the truck as a nice little pied-a-terre, but...
20:12sure.
20:13Where are you guys going?
20:29Never mind that blow-up.
20:30Just hormones.
20:31It's all good.
20:39Were you using my grandmother's urn as a water pipe?
20:41I just want to say...
21:02I know this is weird, but I'm really glad I met you.
21:06Me too.
21:11Is the floor too hard?
21:13Nah.
21:15This is kind of romantic.
21:19I'm not sleeping with you.
21:21I know.
21:23Okay.
21:26Hey, so what do you want for breakfast?
21:29I can make, uh, eggs florentine, chocolate chip waffles, fruit smoothies.
21:34I love you.
21:35What?
21:35What?
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