- 7 weeks ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00hey uh are you billy chase not another disgruntled reader look twilight sucked and nothing you can
00:11say will change my mind no i'm uh sullivan boyd from the sports desk sully you left me a message
00:18about needing help with an article my god thank you yes okay i'm doing an article in the top 10
00:23basketball movies and you are a great writer but you're saying something because to me all sports
00:27sounds like bleep blop blork thank you so much for doing this oh hey oh look at you all over the
00:35place congratulations to you and your husband oh nope no husband no boyfriend no contraception
00:42oh you're gonna be fine all you need is a good game plan like in the deciding game of the 2000
00:48nba finals kobe fed shack the rock the whole night in the end the lakers brought home the hardware
00:52leap blop blork but thank you for the pep talk no problem gorgeous oh and uh by the way i think
01:00twilight sucked too you and me hate the same stuff that's uh kind of romantic
01:03so i met this cute funny guy and even though i'm so gigantic i can't even see if i need a bikini wax
01:14i think he was flirting with me of course he was we're the chase sisters people chase us
01:21and in my current state i can't exactly run so i got caught
01:26anyway it made me feel really good about myself oh look two women with babies wouldn't it be awesome
01:33if you were pregnant right now and you were fatter than me oh my god the bloating the stretch marks
01:40the morning sickness i dream about it all the time well how did the latest baby conversation
01:46go with nick i mean i know he's anxious about the responsibility but is he any closer to changing
01:50his mind no he's sticking to his guns i mean i know we decided for the first three years of our
01:56marriage we were going to focus on our careers have you been married five years it's very frustrating
02:00but i don't want to say anything because it has an adverse effect on the quality of his erections
02:07yes well anything below raging is not acceptable
02:13you know nick he's just afraid of change all he needs is a little push like remember when you
02:19convinced him to cut off his ponytail he still has it in his drawer but it's not attached to his head
02:24anymore and that's because of you you're right so how do we get him comfortable with the idea of
02:30being a father hmm well zach and i were going to ask you guys to be godparents anyway oh my gosh
02:39why don't you guys come over for brunch tomorrow we'll get a few mimosas in them and i'll ask
02:44we just have to time it right after two mimosas he's open-minded after three he blacks out
02:49oh look they're picking up their babies together
02:53those are either really cute dogs or ugly ass babies
03:01oh no this is just completely blowing my mind
03:09it's amazing what is it the third time it's eggs
03:15eggs oh eggs the chameleon of food will you be scrambled will you be over easy
03:26uh billy how's that basketball article going well a lot more exciting than i expected
03:32my collaborator appears to be flirting with me you think everybody's flirting with you
03:37so medium pepperoni and here's some free cinnamon logs for you free logs
03:44i think we know where this is heading free cinnamon logs are part of the promotion it was on the
03:51commercial oh really was undressing me with his eyes in the commercial too
03:55really that's so funny oh nick abby yes what are you about to ask us something
04:05zach and i were going to wait till after the baby was born but we just think you two would make such
04:10incredible parents that we would like you to be our baby's godparents oh my god it's an honor
04:16a surprising honor of course yeah sure because it would help us get used to the idea of being
04:26parents ourselves it just occurred to me and we're going to be parents eventually well eventually i'm
04:32going to be infertile are we really doing this i want to have a baby thing again over eggs benedict
04:39i think doing it over eggs is completely appropriate because every month i make one you do nothing about
04:44it and it dies this was just intended as a lovely gesture i think five years ago it was three
04:52years and now you're saying eventually which is at least another three years and if you add that
04:58i'm too mad to be doing math right now calm down i understand your frustration see if you add three
05:04three to the existing get out fine fine fine
05:10billy zach thank you for a lovely brunch yes we have to do this again sometime
05:17i can't be anything without you
05:23i'm going to be childless forever and ever and ever and then i'm going to die alone because men die
05:35first that's because they're quitters
05:39okay abby i know this is important to you but i think you're going to your dark place kind of quick
05:46here i mean after all it's just one fight this is not just one fight okay this is an ongoing battle
05:51of wills and nick is ferocious as i'm sure you can tell
05:54well if you want to get what you want you're just going to have to be ferocious back like remember
06:01when nick got cold feet about getting married because even at 25 his 401k hadn't vested yet
06:06you and i went off to cabo gave him some time to think and he missed you so much he showed up at
06:12the airport in a tuxedo at first i thought he was a limo driver
06:16so romantic
06:19sweetie you're my sister i'll support whatever you want to do but why don't we try that approach
06:25i mean cabo is off the table because look at me
06:27so what we can still hang out have fun and in time he'll miss your sweet ass
06:32you really think that'll work
06:34i'm not sure but i promise you we will find a solution to this
06:38easy on the revitalizer it's 50 bucks a jar
06:41sorry i'm upset i know okay seriously that's
06:45i can't believe you guys didn't ask me to be the godfather
06:51it might have hurt your chances that you're kind of a pothead
06:58what are you talking about
07:00when i look at you through this fork
07:03you look like you're in jail
07:06no dude
07:09you're in jail
07:11oh no
07:14wow
07:17well that's not the image i want to project
07:20okay how can i handle this problem
07:24drawing a blank guess we'll have to live with it
07:29could quit smoking pot
07:31whoa whoa
07:33settle down okay
07:35i mean quits
07:36uh no
07:38i don't think uh
07:40whoa
07:41i mean you know what i could do i could maybe just you know
07:45take a little break
07:46not quits
07:48you know no finality
07:50just uh
07:51a little respite
07:52some time off
07:54from my weed
07:56i already hate this
08:00okay hey i'm here for you man okay
08:03anyways you can't have any around so we need to get rid of all the pot in your apartment
08:06whoa hey whoa
08:07you can't be serious
08:12this is hard
08:16it would have been easier if you did a list on the top bobsledding movies of all time
08:19because it's a short list
08:20cool running see there we're done
08:22you know you got a great belly laugh
08:25but then again
08:26you got a great belly
08:27wow i haven't heard that compliment since this enormous thing started growing inside of me
08:32are you kidding me that kid has the best seat in the house
08:35damn i gotta go cover the warriors game
08:40how about i come back here afterwards we'll polish this thing off and i'll even buy you dinner
08:44it'll be like a work date
08:45james
08:49can i ask you a question about my body
08:51well i see this ending well for me
08:54sully just asked me out is it possible that at this stage of my girth where my skin is stretched to the point that it may never snap back that someone could find me attractive
09:05yeah it's possible
09:07yeah it's possible
09:07ah thank you
09:09if he's a freak
09:10i retract my thank you
09:15he must be
09:16one of those
09:16pregnifiles
09:17pregnifile what's that
09:19that's not something
09:20yeah yeah sure it is
09:22you know there's all kinds of weird fetishes
09:23like people who are into weird costumes or feet or monogamy
09:28is that all of it
09:33yeah that's it
09:39thought of all that weed
09:43down there in the sewer
09:45being smoked by all those sewer people
09:48what the hell are you talking about
09:51the sewer people
09:53are there not sewer people
09:57no
09:59then who defends the treasure
10:04ladies i give you weed free davis
10:12and his handsome friend me
10:14davis good for you
10:16i don't remember you being weed free since
10:18good for you
10:21so has nick called you yet
10:23screw him
10:24until he comes to his senses
10:26and tells me i am right about this baby thing
10:28i am having fun
10:29i'm not wearing a bra
10:32you know what i want to reel back in an old lover
10:35i take sexy photos of myself
10:38and post them on facebook
10:39it hasn't really worked yet
10:50but i did discover i'm allergic to rose petals
10:53i think it's a great idea to give nick a little reminder of how desirable you are
10:59i mean we sent him those pictures of us in combo with the super hot cliff divers
11:02let's take a picture and post it
11:04okay
11:05okay
11:06give me hot sexy and don't you want to fertilize my eggs
11:09and... oh... there... this will be the push nick needs
11:18oh my god i feel bawdy
11:20now me and my new boots are gonna get hammered
11:23oh i have to go meet sully will you keep gabby company until i get back
11:28yeah
11:28hey
11:33hey
11:34i just found out my boyfriend cheated on me
11:37and i want to get back at him
11:38hi i'm zach
11:40man you're a really good writer
11:44come on
11:45no seriously you see this comma
11:47it's perfectly placed
11:48i wouldn't have put it there but you did
11:49because you
11:50you're special
11:51now you're just busting my balls
11:54i am but you know this is a really good article
11:57thank you
11:59i couldn't have done it without you
12:00you know i was in china for the olympics
12:03tiniest people you ever saw jumping up and down in the sky
12:05bing bing bing
12:06like their asses were replaced by rockets
12:09i wish i could have been there
12:13oh they would love you over there
12:14you'd be like a big golden sexy giant to them
12:16sully um tell me more about yourself
12:29you know do you date
12:30oh of course you date
12:31we're all on a date
12:32but what about the last person you went out with
12:35was she
12:36anything like me
12:37in some ways
12:40i mean we were really into each other
12:42but then it just ended after i think
12:43nine months
12:45oh
12:50what about the one before that
12:53ah that was sherry
12:53that one lasted about eight months
12:55but she dropped early
12:56dropped early
12:59we were in a computer class together
13:00dumb girl
13:01real dumb
13:01okay well that checks out
13:05oh god
13:06this was so much fun
13:07but i gotta go meet my sister at a bar a few blocks away
13:10whoa whoa can i walk you there
13:11you don't have to do that
13:14oh come on
13:15what kind of guy would i be
13:16if i didn't walk a hot pregnant woman to a bar
13:18yo what's up
13:22he hasn't called
13:27he hasn't texted
13:28he hasn't emailed
13:29davis call my phone and see if it's working
13:31no it's me
13:37oh okay
13:39goodbye
13:40screw it
13:43yeah that wasn't ours
13:47thanks had all day to call
13:49or come and get me
13:50go to hell with him
13:51let's go to one of those underground after hours clubs
13:54where everyone wears a dog collar
13:56that sounds expensive
13:58well where can we go that's free
14:00oh how about your place
14:02i'm sorry i'm just getting off drugs
14:05did you say let's go back to my place
14:07thank you for walking me here
14:14well i wasn't ready to say goodbye to you yet
14:15okay now i'm ready bye bye
14:17you know i'd really like to see you again not on a work date but a date date
14:24yes yes
14:25yes yes
14:26would he weird you out if i kissed you
14:29no no
14:30i don't usually say this after i've kissed someone but there's the guy who got me pregnant
14:49why were you waving at that woman
14:52she's carrying my baby i kind of halfed it
14:55zach this is sully
15:00hey dude
15:01good to know you
15:02i'm a big fan of your work
15:04you want a beer
15:06yeah all right
15:07so he's a cool guy huh
15:11yeah sure for a pregnant file
15:13what okay how come every man in my life knows this word
15:17do you really want to go down that road because pregnant file is just the tip of the iceberg
15:22well i think you are wrong
15:25i really like him
15:27he's a sweet guy we make each other laugh and we have fun
15:30my pregnancy has nothing to do with it
15:33thanks
15:34you are clump and juicy
15:40sorry
15:47there's no polite way to ask you this
15:51are you by any chance a pregnant file
15:55what the hell is a pregnant file
15:56oh
15:57uh well it means someone who is attracted to pregnant women
16:01you know i i'm offended
16:04i'm a nice man with nice desires
16:07sorry i really like you
16:11maybe you're not a pregnant file
16:13maybe i'm not
16:14oh most definitely not
16:16no it's too late
16:17okay now if you'll excuse me i'm gonna go write an article on the top 10 most hurtful
16:21things people have ever said about me
16:23the second is this pregnant file thing and the first one i still can't talk about
16:27i can't believe i'd let you guys get in my head like that
16:35isn't it possible that he is a nice man with nice desires
16:39all right
16:44where's abby did she hear from nick
16:46yeah i don't know
16:48what do you mean you don't know you and davis were keeping her company
16:51and we did
16:52until i started making out with that girl
16:54this couch is so dirty i really feel like i'm having an adventure
17:05you should see the bathroom
17:08it's like being in bangladesh
17:10you know if my sister weren't pregnant i never would have met you
17:16well if my best friend hadn't had sex with your sister i never would have met you
17:21well i'm glad we met each other
17:23me too
17:25you'd make a baby with me right davis
17:27and maybe nick took her home why don't you call him and find out
17:35what if he didn't and we call and she's not there we don't have an answer for where she is
17:39you can't put a good spin on your wife is missing
17:42it's davis how do you know us
17:47okay
17:47hey dude you know where abby is
17:50she's in my apartment right now
17:52and she wants to have sex with me
17:54he knows where she is
17:58listen to me i have a vulnerable tipsy woman
18:01in my living room slash dining room slash photography studio
18:05i'm about to give him the temptation here
18:08hold on man i'm coming
18:09okay this is gonna sound bad but it could be worse
18:12your sister is at davis's and i think he's locked himself in the bathroom because she wants to have sex with him
18:16oh my god
18:18i have a terrible feeling i made this happen
18:21i think i made this happen too
18:24it's nick
18:25zach it's nick
18:27get together
18:28where's abby
18:29we're just on our way to go get her
18:31why don't you go home
18:32no she is my wife and i'm coming with you
18:35okay
18:37i like angry nick
18:40you know you can only push me so far
18:42if you're a woman
18:43if you're a man you can probably push me indefinitely
18:45you're either sleeping
18:50or having really quiet tender sex
18:54let's just get in there while nick is still trying to parallel park
18:58oh god this is all my fault
19:01hello
19:02abby
19:07what are you doing
19:09were you two fooling around
19:10oh thank god
19:13wait a minute then what the hell is going on here
19:16really area jail
19:29you guys are stoned
19:33i am so telling mom about this
19:37i am so telling mom
19:38really don't tell mom
19:40it's just her not me
19:44you are looking at a pot free dude right now
19:46but i am kind of in a silly mood
19:49i was under the distinct impression that you flushed it all
19:53oh zach
19:54poor innocent zach
19:57you never flush it all dude
19:59you always keep some in case there's a war
20:02i saw a rat that had a cat in its mouth
20:07nick you came to me
20:11wait i'm mad at you
20:13wait i'm hungry
20:14wait i'm mad at you
20:16that outfit looks even better in person
20:18is that an olive branch
20:20because i like what you're wearing too
20:22my wednesday vest
20:23but it's friday
20:25i miss you
20:26i miss you too
20:28i'm sorry i've been so stubborn about the baby thing
20:32but if you feel like you're ready then
20:34i am too
20:36we're ready
20:38oh nick
20:40oh i have a wonderful feeling i made this happen
20:45unbelievable
20:53so you make me feel bad for questioning why you liked me
21:00but i think it's clear now that i was right
21:02because
21:02oh
21:03oh what you don't want her to know that you're only going out with her because you're pregnant
21:07i'm sorry i just think you need to know that you're on a date with a pregnophile
21:11billy billy billy billy this is my sister denise
21:15and she ain't pregnant
21:18it's a new episode of two and a half men
21:24cbs next
21:25you
21:28you
21:37you
21:42you
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